I don't know how long I can keep this up

[AhlaamBella]

:sl:

I really need some advice. I have this best friend. We have been so close for almost 10yrs. I come from a practicing revert family, she comes from a westernised asian family. She is the only one who wears a scarf in her family but that is just out of habit because we both went to an Islamic school and that was the uniform. We went to different colleges. She went to a strong catholic college and her group of friends were either non-muslim or your typical doss-about asian girls. We kept drifting and it seemed the only time I enjoyed spending time with her was when I had weak Iman - and it just got weaker when I was with her.

I know I shouldn't spend my time with people who decrease my Iman like that but she is my best friend and I love her so much. Recently my Iman has been on the increase alhamdulilah but as usual - hers isn't. I try and talk to her about Islam but she has this one cousin who is practicing but she preaches to the extent that even I want to tell her to give it a rest as she does it in such a self-righteous way. The whole family mocks this cousin and I know if I start sounding like her there is no way my best friend will listen.

Every time I make a little progress, her family (mainly her sister and her mum) undo everything. She decided to start wearing the Jilbaab but she wore it for a day, her mum ranted on about how awful it looked, how stupid it was and that was it. She took it off.

Now she has gone on a weekend away to London with her old college friends and I'm so scared for her. She becomes a total different person when she is with them. She almost goes from weak Iman to none at all.

Her lack of Iman used to just be annoying but now it's really starting to weigh me down. I just found photos of her without her Hijab on on Facebook and I burst into tears. I don't know what to do anymore. She is going away to uni in september and I know I'll lose her forever.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam
first adn foremost know that the job of a daa3i, is really hard so dont expect an easy road and givjg up and getting restless will be useless. even if you see some progress in her, take that as a positive sign...you just never know.
someone i know said it took her 25 yrs (i think) of preaching until her preaching sunk in ad of course it is only Allah who guides.

the reason why she is "rebounding" is probably because something fundamental in her is missing. this "fundamental" thing is the thing that will motivate her and keeps her strong in her tests-such as the influence of her family. first she needs to know Allah. she needs to love him and realize why she is in this dunya-in other words teach her creed/aqeedah first. I say this because the reason why she isn't grasping certain Islamic concepts that you may preach to her about, is because there is no bases to being with. so for example, when her mum influences her the way she does, she finds herself easily swayed because that strong iman isn't really firm to begin with, and hence her keeping strong in her rials isn't going to be firm either..

have you tried changing your method of Dawah with her. saying "sister its really important not to hang out with guys." is probably something she has heard over and over again to the extent that she has become almost desensitized to it-it doesn't work with her anymore. dont go straight for the kill and dont state the obvious. be indirect when giving dawah (if you arent already)

have you concentrated more on her then on your dawah towards her. when people feel that the only reason you are hanging out with them is to preach, they may feel like they are being used. this isn't to say to give up being around and hanging out with people for the sole purpose of giving dawah to them - by all means, sometimes this is the best type of friendship, but at the same time, be enthusiastic to give something back to them-something they like, other then your dawah.
people may not have the iman you may have to understand the importance of being around people solely for the sake of preaching to them, so its important to attend to their needs as well. in this way, you may be also making them develop a love and respect for you since they are getting to know you on a personal level, and hence this channel maybe the actual means where they become genuinely interested in what you have to say.


give dawah to her according to her level of understanding. you say she comes from a not so religious background? in that case, "tailor" you dawah to fit her criteria and situation. maybe she if forced to commit the sins she does, because her family have threatened her or something drastic like this. in this case, you need to tell her to start with the basics. tell her to get her obligatory duties down pat then start to work her way up. perhaps even be her mentor/someone she looks up to, if you can but never give up on her.


sometimes just be straight up. just say "look i love you for the sake of allah, and its just because im sincerely worried about you, that i tell you this. i dont intend hardship for you, so please dont take it that way....."
if you are as close as you say, she will take you seriously, and may even be flattered by it.

another important thing to remember is to give her dawah to what naturally appeals to her this way she will understand and have that natural inclination towards what you tell her (makes yours and her job easier). so "target" her natural likes. maybe she is inspired by women who make a difference. look up our rich history and im sure you'll find stories of inspirational women.

always humble yourself, be "welcoming" and warm to her questions, dont put her down or laugh at her in anyway (not saying you do). so in other words, be a true friend.