spiritual struggle *need help badly*

[anonymous]

this is just a little descritption of an awful predicament i seem to be in and would really appreciate it if you could all pitch in and give me a hand. it would be even better if someone who has been in the same shoes, to advise me as well :) i really and desperatley am in need of some help. i've been so hesitant to speak or seek help about this, but its getting ridicilous.

a few years ago (now nearly four) i had some trouble with my deen. i didn't disbelieve in it, alhamdulillah, but i was severally trialed with it. what happened was i was stupid enough to fall for the deception of shaytaan when he used to (and still does) come to me during prayer and tell me that my wudoo wasn't right, i was doing too many/too less sujoods, my ghusl wasn't right, and my recitation during prayer wasn't corrected. it used to take me so so long (abnormal lengths of time, really) to complete my prayers. in fact by the time i re-done my wudoo and my prayers over and over again, i'd finish one only for another to start. and even after that, i would still worry if my prayers were acceped! my whole life was on hold because of this-im not joking. the only thing i seemed to do was pray.

to cut a long story short, over the course of these four years, due to this wiswaas i was pretty much trialed in all aspects of my prayers to the extent that i had lost that really nice sweetness that comes with prayer. its really sad because i used to be so eager for prayer, i loved the tranquility i used to have during prayer. i used to revovle my life around my prayers, look so so keenly towards them i couldn't wait for the next one. i used to eat before praying so that my hunger wouldn't distract me. i loved it, i really did.
but things happened due my own ignorance and sillines and now all those nice feelings, have turned into hardship :cry:
im slowly and slowly realizing where i have gone wrong and trying my best to rectify it, however im carelss with prayer. i dont pray it on time, i dont have that fear that im being carelss in it. it doesnt tap away at my conscious like it used to. i mean i fulifll the obligations, but its a joke, really. it feels like such a task. i feel eager for the day to finish so that i know that my prayers are done for the day. what kind of insincere heart must i have :(

it really saddens me that people can take like 5 mins to pray a four raka'ah prayers, whereas it will take me like 15 :embarrass

other things are happening to me that i feel that it is due to my weak iman. other problems seem to be stemming from this one, such as my weak iman, my lack of motivation to study the deen (i can list the books and what my routine was when i used to be more into the deen, that i have completely left off for no good reason) there really isnt any barakarah in my time. it was strange because i used to get so much accomplished in one day, and used to fit it in whereas now, i get nothing done, and the time just fly's.
all these are tell tale signs that somethign is deeply wrong with my heart and iman. there's certain things about me that im beginning to realise that werent there before such as my tempations to show off in ibaadah. i was never like this. im beginning to lose that paitence i used to have where i would do things for the sake of allah such as forgive people, forgive your family lest ties will be cut even if i would be in the wrong...

so yeah, that was an overview and as you can all tell, im in dire need of help :cry:

[Alpha Dude]

:sl:

1. Ignore the waswas. 15 mins for 4 raka'a is not practical at all and something is definitely not right. If you ignore them a few times, you will have greater control. You just have to make the first step.

2. Strive to 'connect' with Allah. If you felt Allah was watching you whilst you prayed, it is unlikely you would seek to put on a show for others.

Salah is a time for you to be in the presence of Allah. Don't make it just a set of whispered words and bunch of physical movements.

[PouringRain]

Salah is a time for you to be in the presence of Allah. Don't make it just a set of whispered words and bunch of physical movements.

I think Alpha Dude gave some good advice, but I especially like this last part. I believe, when saying something over and over and doing the same motions over and over, it can be easy to fall into the problem where it has become an automatic function and takes little thought. Then it is easier for the mind to wander onto other things; such as you describe with worrying about wudu, the condition of your prayer, etc. Instead, in prayer, your focus should be on God. From the minute you begin performing wudu and coming to the intention, just let your mind focus on God and his greatness. Let the words from your mouth be full of love and admiration for who he is and what he has done for you. I would suggest that before you pray again, you take a few moments to just contemplate what prayer is, its importance to you, who God is to you, and then consider the words of your prayer and their depth, magnitude, significance, etc. Then, when you come to pray, place yourself in an attitude of complete adoration, worship, thanksgiving, joy, humility, etc. Focus on God.

I was re-reading just last night about all the things that nullify a prayer and about doubts in prayer and what is valid what to do for them.

[cat eyes]

:sl: Sister you know when you said you were repeating your prayer over and over again until you got it right. i admire you that however i believe for you to go to these extremes to please Allah did not come from shayytan sister.

Shayytan will say things to you like ''aah it dose not matter if you do things wrong, hurry up and do it or dont do it at all, it dose not matter about your wudhu being done proper or not''

this is something like shayytan would do to turn your heart against salah rather then make you do it at all.

Think you might have been told by other muslims who are not really educated.

Islam is an easy religion and Allah dose not request for anybody to go to these extremes.

Just do your wudhu as best u can and pray as best you can.

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[zakirs]

i have the problem of forgetting number of sujoods i did too :(. I would suggest you do not close your eyes and make sure your mind doesn't wander anywhere during prayer.Try to recollect the meaning of the recitation while reciting the prayer.All the best bro :)