abusive husband

[nessaa]

I went back to pakistan to get married, and its been nearly three years we have no children.
When i was in pakistan everything was fine, i really didnt want to get married as i was only 19 and was in university howvere i was not allowed to return to the UK unless i did. my parents chose him and i agreed as i had no choice. however, i thought i will make this marriage work no matter what. He arrived to the UK four months after and things begun to change.
He doesnt make an effort to talk to me or ask me how i am or doesnt enjoy spending time with me. he goes to work and comes back and sleeps or goes on the internet, but he will never show me what he is doing.
Recently he started hitting me. I have been diagnosed with depression llast year and he forces me to do things which i am reluctant to do. he manipulates me in taking all my money which i earn, and makes me return anything i buy for myself.
I feel i dont love him, i have no feelings for him. I feel suffocated.

My family are not being very supportive, they say everything will get better, but i think i have come to a point that i dont want things to get better i just want to be happy.

[islamirama]

Your family was wrong to force you to marry against your will. This is unislamic and you probably could get your marriage annuled on this basis alone. As for them not being supportive, they should fear Allah for the injustice they are doing against you. Do not worry about what they say or care, I don't know how abuse your husband has gotten but the best thing to do is talk to an imam or scholar (you can ask at www.fatwa-online.com or i can get you in touch with someone).

here's a bit similar situation in which the scholar recommended divorce.

The husband should realize that he is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. Allaah has enjoined upon him to treat them in a good and proper manner and to treat his family kindly. Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you is the one who is best towards his wife, and I am the best of you towards my wives.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami, 3314). Part of that good and kind treatment means not beating one’s wife in a severe manner and not insulting or cursing her. He should realize that this is a violation of the trust with which Allaah has entrusted him.

More @ http://islamqa.com/en/ref/13803

[marwen]

I went back to pakistan to get married, and its been nearly three years we have no children.
When i was in pakistan everything was fine, i really didnt want to get married as i was only 19 and was in university howvere i was not allowed to return to the UK unless i did. my parents chose him and i agreed as i had no choice. however, i thought i will make this marriage work no matter what. He arrived to the UK four months after and things begun to change.
He doesnt make an effort to talk to me or ask me how i am or doesnt enjoy spending time with me. he goes to work and comes back and sleeps or goes on the internet, but he will never show me what he is doing.
Recently he started hitting me. I have been diagnosed with depression llast year and he forces me to do things which i am reluctant to do. he manipulates me in taking all my money which i earn, and makes me return anything i buy for myself.
I feel i dont love him, i have no feelings for him. I feel suffocated.

My family are not being very supportive, they say everything will get better, but i think i have come to a point that i dont want things to get better i just want to be happy.

imsad
I am really sorry for you sister. that's always the problem when parents force their daughter to marry someone she dosen't love to marry him. But now, as things are done, it's useless to talk about the causes, and try to find solutions is better. But I can't tell you what to do, because I'm not a scholar, besides as you have children, this can be more difficult. Try to ask some Imam or scholar, may be he tell you what's the best solution.

[S<Chowdhury]

I went back to pakistan to get married, and its been nearly three years we have no children.
When i was in pakistan everything was fine, i really didnt want to get married as i was only 19 and was in university howvere i was not allowed to return to the UK unless i did. my parents chose him and i agreed as i had no choice. however, i thought i will make this marriage work no matter what. He arrived to the UK four months after and things begun to change.
He doesnt make an effort to talk to me or ask me how i am or doesnt enjoy spending time with me. he goes to work and comes back and sleeps or goes on the internet, but he will never show me what he is doing.
Recently he started hitting me. I have been diagnosed with depression llast year and he forces me to do things which i am reluctant to do. he manipulates me in taking all my money which i earn, and makes me return anything i buy for myself.
I feel i dont love him, i have no feelings for him. I feel suffocated.

My family are not being very supportive, they say everything will get better, but i think i have come to a point that i dont want things to get better i just want to be happy.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR :raging::raging::raging: what is it with these men who believe the can beat there wives like this, he should not dare raise a hand to you................


There is nothing in the Qur’aan that suggests that a man is allowed to hit his wife like this.

1 – The Qur’aan enjoins good treatment of one's wife: she is to be honoured and treated kindly, even when one no longer feels love in one's heart towards her. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“and live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good”

[al-Nisa’ 4:19]

2 – The Qur’aan explains that women have rights over their husbands, just as their husbands have rights over them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allaah is All-Mighty, All-Wise”

[al-Baqarah 2:228]

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) enjoined kind treatment and honouring of one’s wife, and he described the best of people as those who are best to their wives. He said: “The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

I'd agree with the above advice a scholar or imam is much better idea
I hope things work out for you sister
:wa:

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[Binyamine]

Peace Mercy And Blessing of Allah be upon all of us.

I hate it, when people change their colour.

Sister in Islaam, have firm trust in Allah. Only he can help you.

[Lonely Gal]

im so sorry to hear what u are going through, i can understand about parents not being supportive and always hearing the line 'it'll get better'
although my husband has not raised his hand to me, we still have no relationship but 'everything will get better'
this is clearly not doing u any good in health and i urge you to seek help in what action you can take.. may all ur hardships be replaced with joy.. Ameen
Keep praying and ask for Allah swt's guidance.

[Lonely Gal]

if u have come to a decision or when u do, i think be firm with ur decision and let everyone what it is.. keey strong and you'l always have Allah swt to guide u and be on ur side.

[almuraaqabah]

"And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed Signs for a people who reflect (30:21)."

ABUSE IS RELATIVE

Tayyib, abuse is relative and unfortunately, w/ the increasing of the evil characteristics of mankind...as we get closer to the yaumal-qiyaam, the creativety of various forms of emotional, mental, religious/gender abuse etc. are taking more "sophiscticated" and deviousforms lf abuse and turns for the worst.

It is becoming more imperative that women, children and nowadays, many men increase themselves in the "practical" knowledge of islaam as well as many other forms of necessary, self preservational types of knowledge to shelter themselves and their families from all sort of abuses.

May Allaah give all of us of His shelter and tawfeeq. Aameen.

[Kabeer]

Kick him in the balls!

Nah, but in all seriousness, tell your family, and get a divorce. Maybe your marriage could possibly be annulled anyway as you were forced into it

If its really bad, report him to the Authoroties as well.

I sincerely hope your situation gets sorted and you are free from this, I feel for you.

Peace

[islamirama]

This is not a homework help or advice on troublesome family member or other silly nilly or minor issue that everyone can start giving advice and start saying give divorce or do this or do that. I know many of you would like to help but i advise you to refrain from giving your advices and opinions on this matter and other such matters in the future. These are life altering situations and complexities that can do without your wisdom. Serious matters like these need to be discussed with an Imam or scholar. We should advise the sister to be patience, know that this is haram what he is doing and she should seek guidance from the learned scholars of the ummah. That should be the extent of our consultation on major issues like these.

[Kabeer]

This is not a homework help or advice on troublesome family member or other silly nilly or minor issue that everyone can start giving advice and start saying give divorce or do this or do that. I know many of you would like to help but i advise you to refrain from giving your advices and opinions on this matter and other such matters in the future. These are life altering situations and complexities that can do without your wisdom. Serious matters like these need to be discussed with an Imam or scholar. We should advise the sister to be patience, know that this is haram what he is doing and she should seek guidance from the learned scholars of the ummah. That should be the extent of our consultation on major issues like these.

She doesnt need a scholar or an Imam to tell her that she needs to get out of this stupid situation.
You need to use your own brain sometimes in life, it's called common sense.

Peace

[marwen]

She doesnt need a scholar or an Imam to tell her that she needs to get out of this stupid situation.
You need to use your own brain sometimes in life, it's called common sense.

Peace

I'm affraid you're making a quick decision. I know the situation look very hard and it's difficult for our sister to continue living this life, but
who knows? may be Allah will make some changes in the husband's attitude and all these problems will be end. Even though I agree with your point of view, I prefer not to make decisions that may make Allah angry . I agree with brother islamirama : a learned imam or a scholar can will make a better decision.

[Kabeer]

I'm affraid you're making a quick decision. I know the situation look very hard and it's difficult for our sister to continue living this life, but there is also children who need a steady relationship between their parents, and who knows, may be Allah will make some changes in the husband's attitude and all these problems will be end. So, even though I agree with your point of view, I prefer not to make decisions that may make Allah angry. I agree with brother islamirama : a learned imam or a scholar can will make a better decision.

Re-read the original post. There are NO children.
This is a very young girl forced into this against her will, and then cruely treated.

Be realistic rather than dreaming of some ideal situation where all the player's in her world play by Islam (since none have as of yet). Ofc she should tell the husband she will not stand for any of it, so either he changes that second or gets a divorce, it's simple as that. I don't see a single reason she should stay with him when she didn't want him in the first place and he is an ass.

Unfortunately not all Imam's are wise, (yes most are, but still why chance it when logic is slapping you in the face)

Peace

[marwen]

Re-read the original post. There are NO children.
Peace

yes, I'm sorry, I think I read the first lines quickly so I misunderstood this part. though it's slightly better they haven't children in common, but anyway, I told you I agree with your point of view, I mean what kind of husband is that? But our duty here me and you is just to tell about our point of view, but neither to fix solutions, nor to make decision for people. You know that's people's life, and it's very dangerous to make decisions in their place.
I want you just to understand that some decisions are to be made only by the concerned people : no one will decide for you the partner you will be married with, and no one will decide for you if you have to make divorce or not, only learned people are able to give the right advice. I don't say that you are not learned in islam, but unless have not the duty of an Imam or a mufti, you cannot give a final decision.

assalamu alaykom.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
go see a reliable shiekh about your situation and above all make dua.
may allah ease your burdens.

*in general*i just dont understand how fathers/families can give their daughters away to jerks.

[nessaa]

Thank you for the replies everyone. as many of you have suggested is to see a scholar, which i alread have. He advised a temporary seperation, however how is this possiable? when i asked my sister if i could stay in her house she told me i was being silly. there is no one that can help me.

And how can I leave my home and go to a hostal or somthing, it would make the situation worse, everyone will class me as the one at fault. i know it shouldnt matter what people think. but it really does, especially your family.

As for me and my husband things have got worse he isnt speaking to me because i didnt cook him what he wanted. he is so manupilative that he makes me feel its my fault.

I cry when i write this because i pray for strength to help me get over this situation yet ive been praying for 3yrs and not much has changed

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Thank you for the replies everyone. as many of you have suggested is to see a scholar, which i alread have. He advised a temporary seperation, however how is this possiable? when i asked my sister if i could stay in her house she told me i was being silly. there is no one that can help me.

And how can I leave my home and go to a hostal or somthing, it would make the situation worse, everyone will class me as the one at fault. i know it shouldnt matter what people think. but it really does, especially your family.

dont you have another sibling :? an auntie?

As for me and my husband things have got worse he isnt speaking to me because i didnt cook him what he wanted. he is so manupilative that he makes me feel its my fault.

if you know you haven't done anything wrong, dont take a bar of it. some people can be so "slimey" and will blame others for their own flaws and mishaps. in other words they like to dump the blame on someone else. the minute they see you falling for it, they will take more advantage of you.

[Lonely Gal]

it is very common for the man to make the mrs feel guilty, been there and got the trophy. he does wrong but then still has a smart way of making it out that he's the victim in everything.
i really feel for you and hope u gain the strength to get tru this...
just remember u are not doing wrong.. keep telling urself over and over if u have to.. u are not the guilty one, you are the innocent victim..

[cat eyes]

i dont think the marriage was a mistake but the asshole who they choose for her was a mistake. was it some one from with in there own relatives sister or outside of the family?

[-Fallen Angel-]

i dont think the marriage was a mistake but the asshole who they choose for her was a mistake. was it some one from with in there own relatives sister or outside of the family?

From what i've seen, if your husband is related to you in some way, or are good friends with your parents/family, they tend to be abusive. Then again Pakistani husbands are abusive... grrrrr:raging: makes me angry. I'm pakistani too imsad Inshallah i won't be a bad person like this sisters' husband.

Sister nessaa
I think you should maybe seperate from your husband for a while, although i've seen this happened with a lot of people i know (wife leaves away for a while, husband becomes nice and brings her back) and then he acts like his usual self again, but it won't hurt to give it a go. If it doesn't work out even after that, you may want to speak with the scholar again and possible think about getting your marriage annuled or a divorce, as you say it's been three years and he's been making it bad for you. I hope things work out for you in the end Inshallah, have strength and don't give in to this tyrant, if he beats you it only shows what kind of a coward he really is.

[cat eyes]

i dont think its about being pakistani or any other origin i just believe its having no fear of Allah :( having lack of knowledge about the deen and not even caring. alot of them are very laid back. alot of my friends husbands are pakistani but there are good only because they are imams of the local mosques

[-Fallen Angel-]

That's true but i'm saying that some pakistani men are like that, from what i've seen. But these kind of people are very ignorant.

[cat eyes]

That's true but i'm saying that some pakistani men are like that, from what i've seen. But these kind of people are very ignorant.

its how they are raised even the schools in pakistan they hit the pupils. in pakistan theres no age limit on when you can and cannot hit your kid so alot of them are afraid of there parents also they grow up with this mentality and thats how they treat there wives like that mind you they get an awful lot of influence from there relatives and family also who would be telling him to hit his wife to control her behaviour

[nessaa]

my husband is not a reletive or family friend. and his familyis very good people they even admit he has anger problems.

he has no islamic knowledge at all he will never go to friday jummah even if he has the oppertunity too. we leave right next to the mosque however last time her went was back in June. Yet before marriage i was told he prays 5times a day.

we spend day and evenings not talking to each other is this really how a marriage should be?imsad

[Lonely Gal]

its clearly not how it should be, it should be filled with love and happines..
i hope u get that happiness soon
xx

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

my husband is not a reletive or family friend. and his familyis very good people they even admit he has anger problems.

he has no islamic knowledge at all he will never go to friday jummah even if he has the oppertunity too. we leave right next to the mosque however last time her went was back in June. Yet before marriage i was told he prays 5times a day.

we spend day and evenings not talking to each other is this really how a marriage should be?

im not sure if this has been bought up before, but maybe speak to his family to speak to him?

[S<Chowdhury]

my husband is not a reletive or family friend. and his familyis very good people they even admit he has anger problems.

he has no islamic knowledge at all he will never go to friday jummah even if he has the opportunity too. we leave right next to the mosque however last time her went was back in June. Yet before marriage i was told he prays 5times a day.

we spend day and evenings not talking to each other is this really how a marriage should be?imsad

:sl: Sister,
Well if his family is good why must they lie about him praying Salah 5 times a day ? Anyway this is beside the point what done is done now, of course that's not how marriage should be like, there has to be some sort of communication between each other. Sister Ummu Sufyaan made a good suggestion perhaps if you contact his family regarding the issue and maybe they could all try together to resolve his issues.

[islamirama]

he has no islamic knowledge at all he will never go to friday jummah even if he has the oppertunity too. we leave right next to the mosque however last time her went was back in June. Yet before marriage i was told he prays 5times a day.

IF a Muslim doesn't not pray than he is no longer a Muslim, and if he misses 3 jummah without a valid excuses then he has left Islam. This could be grounds for divorce in it self. You should talk to an imam as stated many times before. Either go talk to one, go online at www.fatwa-online.com or i can provide you email for one.

[zana]

my husband is not a reletive or family friend. and his familyis very good people they even admit he has anger problems.

he has no islamic knowledge at all he will never go to friday jummah even if he has the oppertunity too. we leave right next to the mosque however last time her went was back in June. Yet before marriage i was told he prays 5times a day.

we spend day and evenings not talking to each other is this really how a marriage should be?imsad

This is not acceptable at all sister, what you should consider is sitting down and laying the rules including the ones that islam shows a husbands responsibilities. I can imagine what you are going through as i know it must be very hard to live with someone you are not compatible with.

Inshallah you will be very happy soon.

[happy]

subhanallah sis make Allah make things easy for you and what goes around comes around.When you make dua you need to have faith in Allah that he will respond you.From what you say this is not how marriage should be why not try to live with your friend.Sis this live is test and you deserve to be happy.I ask Allah to take you out of this difficult and it doesn't matter what your family or aother people think becuase all that matter is your happiness.......................................http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/S.../CyberCounselE this is counsellor and they might be able to help you

[Kabeer]

yes, I'm sorry, I think I read the first lines quickly so I misunderstood this part. though it's slightly better they haven't children in common, but anyway, I told you I agree with your point of view, I mean what kind of husband is that? But our duty here me and you is just to tell about our point of view, but neither to fix solutions, nor to make decision for people. You know that's people's life, and it's very dangerous to make decisions in their place.
I want you just to understand that some decisions are to be made only by the concerned people : no one will decide for you the partner you will be married with, and no one will decide for you if you have to make divorce or not, only learned people are able to give the right advice. I don't say that you are not learned in islam, but unless have not the duty of an Imam or a mufti, you cannot give a final decision.

assalamu alaykom.

Wasalaam,

Yes I should clarify, it is my opinion, and I am not a Mufti or scholar, but it's a sensible one imo. Now Nessaa has said she has already spoken to a scholar and the solution is not easy to work with because of the people involved (which is what I said in my earlier post, she isnt in an ideal world where the players are playing by islam).

Nessaa, go to the mosque and explain the situation and ask for their help, maybe they will be able to help you in your temporary seperation. Otherwise ask them if this is not possible ask if divorce is a sensible option.
If you are not happy because your marriage is not being fulfilled by your husband you have rights, so exercise them, unless you are content to play along with the game dealt to you.

Peace

[cat eyes]

IF a Muslim doesn't not pray than he is no longer a Muslim, and if he misses 3 jummah without a valid excuses then he has left Islam. This could be grounds for divorce in it self. You should talk to an imam as stated many times before. Either go talk to one, go online at www.fatwa-online.com or i can provide you email for one.

brother it depends on an awful lot of things for examples some scholars say that a man has not left islam if hes still feeding his wife and maintaining for her and maybe doing other things that Allah is pleased with which others cant see. maybe hes doing something which Allah likes so thats why we are told not to be judging others.

we have never met this brother and even if we did we should not be so quick to judge.. it could be very well that he dose not even know the importance of salah. he probably has never went to an islamic lecture in his whole life. so brother we should fear Allah before we go putting the poison in to a woman to turn her more against her husband. this is not what she needs to listen to right now.

[sully]

stuff like this make me sad imsad and a little mad! hmph!!!:raging: but its not so easy to come out of a relationship even if the answer is plain and simple. We dont need to quote hadith or quran to know that this is wrong. Everything is easier said than done! Every1 will tell you to leave him sis, and insha'allah if you do, make sure you are able to support yourself if the worse comes to worst!

[nessaa]

many have suggested i go to the local mosque, im sure everyone will understand this when i say the local mosque is run by the community meaning the pakistani community.

A new issue has arose with my husband today he is accusing me off having wrong relationships. And checking through mobiles, emails and even my bag for recipets ???

As i have mentioned before I dont want to make this marriage work anymore, this man is unbearable. However, i need the courage to make my life liveable. as the days go on i feel my health is also at risk, i have no physical strength, i am constantly tired and anxious.

I need someone to get me out of here...

[Grofica]

Kick him in the balls!

Nah, but in all seriousness, tell your family, and get a divorce. Maybe your marriage could possibly be annulled anyway as you were forced into it

If its really bad, report him to the Authoroties as well.

I sincerely hope your situation gets sorted and you are free from this, I feel for you.

Peace

I Agree with Kabeer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kabeer]

many have suggested i go to the local mosque, im sure everyone will understand this when i say the local mosque is run by the community meaning the pakistani community.

A new issue has arose with my husband today he is accusing me off having wrong relationships. And checking through mobiles, emails and even my bag for recipets ???

As i have mentioned before I dont want to make this marriage work anymore, this man is unbearable. However, i need the courage to make my life liveable. as the days go on i feel my health is also at risk, i have no physical strength, i am constantly tired and anxious.

I need someone to get me out of here...

Salaams sister,

I understand, that stupid cultural thinking ticks me off. Ok then maybe try a non-local mosque? (i know not the most helpful suggestion).

Is there no one in your family you can trust to help you get away in this situation?
I guess it depends where you are in the world...I would have said say what city you are in and maybe someone here could help, but really dunno how to trust someone online in such a situation.

If not then maybe you will have to try the social services or something, tell them you were forced here against your wishes etc. And seek a divorce, this is not something you deserve.


(since you said you really want to escape) Maybe your family are just expecting you to not take action, you probably just have to take action and then maybe someone in your family (the one you think is the most understanding) will support you. So pack your bags, and leave, once you have left, then it's a new situation they will have to accept.

I really wish I could help you more than this.

peace

[innocent]

May Allah give you the strength to leave this man as that is the only solution that I can advise. Go to a womens refuge if you cannot find anyone to help you? And maybe get the police involved for the abuse you have suffered. You have wasted 3 precious years of your life on this man please dont waste anymore because you will never get them back. Please keep us updated on your situation sister let us know what you did.

[★ηαѕιнα★]

Dua to remove depression

Praise be to Allaah.

In al-Saheehayn it was reported from Ibn ‘Abbaas that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say, when he felt distressed:

“La ilaaha ill-Allaah al-‘Azeem ul-Haleem, Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb il-‘arsh il-‘azeem, Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb is-samawaati wa Rabb il-ard wa Rabb il-‘arsh il-kareem (there is no god except Allaah, the All-Mighty, the Forbearing; there is no god except Allaah, the Lord of the Mighty Throne; there is no god except Allaah, Lord of the heavens, Lord of the earth and Lord of the noble Throne).”

And it was reported from Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say, when something upset him:

“Yaa Hayyu yaa Qayyoom, bi Rahmatika astagheeth (O Ever-Living One, O Everlasting One, by Your mercy I seek help).”

And it was reported that Asmaa’ bint ‘Umays (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me: “Shall I not teach you some words to say when you feel distressed? ‘Allaah, Allaah, Rabbee laa ushriku bihi shay’an (Allaah, Allaah, my Lord, I do not associate anything with Him).’”

It was reported from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No person suffers any anxiety or grief, and says:

‘Allaahumma innee ‘abduka wa ibn ‘abdika wa ibn amatika, naasiyati bi yadika, maadin fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka, as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘andak an taj’ala al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every Name belonging to You which You named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety)’

- but Allaah will take away his sorrow and grief, and give him in their stead joy.”

Al-Kalim al-Tayyib by Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah, edited by Shaykh al-Albaani, p. 72

http://islamqa.com/en/ref/5112/dua%20help

[Hamza Asadullah]

many have suggested i go to the local mosque, im sure everyone will understand this when i say the local mosque is run by the community meaning the pakistani community.

A new issue has arose with my husband today he is accusing me off having wrong relationships. And checking through mobiles, emails and even my bag for recipets ???

As i have mentioned before I dont want to make this marriage work anymore, this man is unbearable. However, i need the courage to make my life liveable. as the days go on i feel my health is also at risk, i have no physical strength, i am constantly tired and anxious.

I need someone to get me out of here...

:sl: sister you should act on the scholars advice immediatley. He has given you correct advice and you should not hesitate in doing this. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks for they do not understand your situation aswell as you do. What town are you from so that i may try and get you in touch with people who may be able to help inshallah.

:wa:

[distressed]

Salaam,

Im really sorry to read of your situation sister. Ive had many friends in similar positions as to yours. there are no kids which makes it a whole lot easier..if you've made your mind up and dont want to get treated like crap then you know what to do. only you can make that decision but be firm about it and dont be scared.! No1 deserves to be treated the way you have done! I really feel for you, i used to have an auntie in a similar position. if theres no love, then personally i think theres no need to stay together. I dont agree with talking to an imam..cos he doesnt know wat goes on between you 2 ? its your decision and your decision only. !

be strong.!

[glo]

I agree with innocent.

If you are worried that you may not find appropriate support at the mosque due to cultural pressures, then there are other services available.
The police and women's refuges are certainly two options.
Here is a link to Refuge, a domestic violence charity in the UK.

There is also the forces marriage unit (see link here). It was really set up to support British citizens who have been forced to marry abroad and who are unable to return to the UK - but they may still have useful information for you in your situation. They treat all information confidential!

Don't lose hope, continue in your faith and pray - but please, please don't be passive and wait for somebody else to help you.
You have to actively go out and seek help to get out of this situation!

I wish you well. If you want to talk more, you can PM me.

[OurIslamic]

Astaghfirullah, what he's doing to you is WRONG and Haram. Is there anyone you can talk to?

[AhmadibnNasroon]

my husband is not a reletive or family friend. and his familyis very good people they even admit he has anger problems.

he has no islamic knowledge at all he will never go to friday jummah even if he has the oppertunity too. we leave right next to the mosque however last time her went was back in June. Yet before marriage i was told he prays 5times a day.

we spend day and evenings not talking to each other is this really how a marriage should be?imsad

if what you say is true, that is he has abandoned the salah and doesn't even go to jummu3ah; then this man might not even be a Muslim at all

[CosmicPathos]

Salaams sister,

I understand, that stupid cultural thinking ticks me off. Ok then maybe try a non-local mosque? (i know not the most helpful suggestion).

Is there no one in your family you can trust to help you get away in this situation?
I guess it depends where you are in the world...I would have said say what city you are in and maybe someone here could help, but really dunno how to trust someone online in such a situation.

If not then maybe you will have to try the social services or something, tell them you were forced here against your wishes etc. And seek a divorce, this is not something you deserve.


(since you said you really want to escape) Maybe your family are just expecting you to not take action, you probably just have to take action and then maybe someone in your family (the one you think is the most understanding) will support you. So pack your bags, and leave, once you have left, then it's a new situation they will have to accept.

I really wish I could help you more than this.

peace

How can you just accuse whole culture like that? What about the cultural effect on the scholars who live in the West? No one can claim to be free of any cultural effects. It shapes our world views as we grow up, no matter how much you remain in denial.

You think the culture you grew up in, I assume the UK, is superior to Pakistani culture, because I see that you can shrug off things as calling them "stupid cultural." Not all Pakistani men behave like the husband of the OP yet they represent their culture. Your illogical and emotional demeanor and utterly disgusting world views prove that you are not a man, yet. Grow up.

[Kabeer]

Salaams,

How can you just accuse whole culture like that? What about the cultural effect on the scholars who live in the West? No one can claim to be free of any cultural effects. It shapes our world views as we grow up, no matter how much you remain in denial.

You think the culture you grew up in, I assume the UK, is superior to Pakistani culture, because I see that you can shrug off things as calling them "stupid cultural." Not all Pakistani men behave like the husband of the OP yet they represent their culture. Your illogical and emotional demeanor and utterly disgusting world views prove that you are not a man, yet. Grow up.

Did I say all culture is to blame? No.
Did I even say Pakistan? No.
Did I say Pakistani men are like this guy? Of course not, READ.

I was speaking of, and placing the blame on certain parts of culture, certain bad sides which exist in south Asian communities (and I wasnt talking about the man in that post, I was talking about her families attitude). I dont understand why you are so defensive and jumping off on tangents nothing to do with what I was saying.

How does this have anything to do with how much of a man or how grown up I am?
Maybe you are the one that has some personal growth to do, actually think about what I said and not putting words into my mouth, throwing childish insults, and being unnecessarily defensive.

Peace

[gladTidings]

Salaam

First of all I think its inappropriate that the members in this thread are having their own disputes in the sisters thread. We all have our opinions on the situation but I think it would be more appropriate to offer advice here.

I have a friend in a similar situation, however, she didn’t speak about what she was going through until only recently (after being stuck in her marriage for almost 12 years). For a long time she would blame herself for what he would do to her. She felt trapped in the marriage since he would tell her that if she ever left him, there would be no one out there for her and she believed him. He made sure she had little contact with her family and friends, most of who are now very distant from her so she felt even more alone and depended on him completely. One morning she found the courage to leave him and came to stay with my family but as soon as she realised what she had done she went back. He hadnt realised that she had left. I wish it didn’t end this way but today, she is still with him, because the truth is she has let him control her completely, she is mentally not the same person I knew 10 years ago and I cant seem to help her since she will deny everything.

Sister, it seems you have already made the decision to leave him, if that is right then don’t harm yourself by staying with him any longer than you have to. You don’t want to wake up in the same situation in 10 years time and then wish you had left him.

As glo said, there are women’s refuge’s out there and you should be able to contact them if you have no one else you can contact.

Finally please take care of yourself.

I pray that Allah swt protects you x

[cat eyes]

Salaam

First of all I think its inappropriate that the members in this thread are having their own disputes in the sisters thread. We all have our opinions on the situation but I think it would be more appropriate to offer advice here.

I have a friend in a similar situation, however, she didn’t speak about what she was going through until only recently (after being stuck in her marriage for almost 12 years). For a long time she would blame herself for what he would do to her. She felt trapped in the marriage since he would tell her that if she ever left him, there would be no one out there for her and she believed him. He made sure she had little contact with her family and friends, most of who are now very distant from her so she felt even more alone and depended on him completely. One morning she found the courage to leave him and came to stay with my family but as soon as she realised what she had done she went back. He hadnt realised that she had left. I wish it didn’t end this way but today, she is still with him, because the truth is she has let him control her completely, she is mentally not the same person I knew 10 years ago and I cant seem to help her since she will deny everything.

Sister, it seems you have already made the decision to leave him, if that is right then don’t harm yourself by staying with him any longer than you have to. You don’t want to wake up in the same situation in 10 years time and then wish you had left him.

As glo said, there are women’s refuge’s out there and you should be able to contact them if you have no one else you can contact.

Finally please take care of yourself.

I pray that Allah swt protects you x

lovely advice sister. sad about your friend imsad

[Kabeer]

Salaams,

Salaam

First of all I think its inappropriate that the members in this thread are having their own disputes in the sisters thread. We all have our opinions on the situation but I think it would be more appropriate to offer advice here.

I agree, definately no place in this thread. I was randomly attacked for offering advice to the sister in question, I felt I should respond.
Yes and it is sad about your friend :(.

As for sister Nessaa, she hasnt logged in or responded for 2 weeks...I hope you are ok...

Peace

[EllyDicious]

Oh my God, he's being so unfair to you!
What surprises me the most is your family! They don't seem to care and the fact that they pushed you into a forced marriage sounds like they wanted to "throw" you out of home as soon as possible. It's like they wanted to get rid of you because their non-caring attitude shows the same thing.
I can't believe your family is doing this to you.
I hope you get divorced as soon as possible. I don't know you personally, but no woman should be treated like he's treating you. This is not what marriage should be like. He's totally showing lack of respect [let alone love].
If he has anger problems [like his family says and like it seems to be] let him get a treatment for himself. This doesn't mean you should suffer because of the problems he might have.
Sure, you're his wife but I don't think he deserves you for the way he's treating you.

[GuCcI]

Wow, that's so sad. I hope he didn't see this thread, or she could get in more trouble by him :(
I don't think anyone here knows who she is to check up on her eh?