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Grofica
04-10-2010, 04:00 PM
What can i tell my friend she is depressed and i need some good words of wisdom for her...

She wants a child but she had problems so that the doctors told her she may never...

but this is the email she sent me today and i really dont know what to say....

FRIEND: My sister in law is pregnant again… I am the only grand child that has no children. My brother will now have 4. Look at these pics. I am out there all alone with nothing…. I am alone really alone and I don’t understand.
ME: God has a plan for everyone and you are you or I to judge it. Why don’t you live your life not thinking badly of god for what he has NOT given you but for what he HAS given you?
FRIEND: What has he given me??? I have no family, not even a hint of one. I have worked for everything that I have. I have sacrificed my love, my time, my home, my money plus whatever else. I have nothing left to give and it still isn’t enough. I have opened my home to strangers and provided for them. I have given money to people who needed it more than me. I have done all kinds of good deeds. I have done as I felt he has asked and then some so why can’t he bless me why can’t he give me the one thing that I want most out of live. Why can’t I be a mother and have a beautiful child that I can love and care for. What have I done wrong? I don’t expect you to know how I am feeling because you have never had the problem. I’m sorry to have bothered you with this. Thanks for trying to help me but I don’t think that’s just not possible right now. Have a good night.
someone please help
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cat eyes
04-10-2010, 05:07 PM
Allah can still grant her a child. there is something which she can recite. it is said that the person will become pregnant from reciting it. i will try and find it inshaAllah and will get back to you but she should never give up and she should not hold resentment towards Allah because this will surely not help her.
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cat eyes
04-10-2010, 05:42 PM
anything is possible.

Al-Mutakabbir
(The Majestic)
Recitation of this name before having intercourse with wife will blessed with righteous child.
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Lonely Gal
04-10-2010, 07:49 PM
the best ur friend can do is continue makin sincere dua and May Allah swt grant her a child.
I know how helpless u must feel as I have an older sis who is in the same situation
I have read somewhere below, but please seek proper guidance on its source as i cannot provide it
Al-Awwal
(The First)
Recitation of this name, 1000 times for 40 Fridays will help in getting a child.

Al-Lateef
(The Subtle One)
One who recites this name 100 times after performing two rakats of Namaz will gets all his desires fulfilled.

Al-Qadir
(The Able)
Recitation of this name helps in fulfilling one’s desires.

If a barren woman fasts for 7days and each day after makin iftari reasi Al-Baari'ul-Musawweru (the Giver of Life, The Fashioner of Shapes) 21 times, Allah swt will grant her male children

Not sure if this is what Islam says but I have heard a woman went to see Pir Siddique in Birmingham who gave her something thaveez or powder to each, possibly names of Allah swt to read and she became pregnant. Now please dont hold me to this as I am going by what I have read/heard, if anyone knows what i have stated is not correct please do advise.
The bottom line is ur friend must keep focused and continue with dua, I hope Allah swt grants her a child.. If Allah sdwt wills it will happen..

Tell her not to give up hope, my sister has been married over 10 yrs, may Allah swt also grant her a child..
Ameen
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glo
04-10-2010, 07:51 PM
I am not sure that there is more you can say to your friend, Grofica.

She is hurting and grieving for the children she may never have ... and in that process she is feeling angry with God.
Allow her to express herself for now. Don't lecture her.
These are feelings she will have to work through, before she can reach acceptance and submit herself to God's will for her.

Try not to judge her.

I believe that God understands our human emotions and feelings and frustrations, and that he is happy to carry us through those times when we rail against him - never ceasing to love of and forgive us in his boundless mercy!

Just be there for her and make yourself available to listen.
Let her know that you will not abandon her!
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Alpha Dude
04-10-2010, 07:59 PM
Asalamu alaykum,

A change in perception is needed.

Life is very short. We shouldn't feel we are entitled to anything from Allah. He will test us in our lives the way he desires. Our task is to submit to his will. Easier said than done, but that is the ulitmate solution.

I hope inshaAllah the following will be of some help. It was intended for somebody else here but it's very relevant to her too.

First step is to accept that this world is temporary and a test. You have to wholeheartedly accept and believe this. Without this belief, you will never be able to let go of the bitterness that you have direct toward Allah for what you incorrectly assume as being unfair treatment. Conviction in belief is needed by us. We need to have a strong connection with Allah. It's no use professing belief if we are not going to hold on to it completely, in good times and bad.

When you have this conviction, you realise everything in this world is a mirage. Whether good or bad befalls you, you remain content. You don't be too happy when good things happen and you don't be too sad when bad things happen. You realise while such events have an affect on us, they are only there as part of a trial. They are nothing but temporary events. Nothing to get too excited about. Remain passive and calm whatever happens.

While desires to have good things happening to us during our stay on this world is a natural inclination we all have, they are not things that we should feel we have an entitlement to.

Don't look at other people and see them being given more or better than you. Everything we do have is Allah's blessing and mercy upon us and any of those things that Allah has blessed us with can be taken away at any moment.

I've seen it before with people, when they continue on this path of bitterness. They bring themself nothing but misery in every sense. They allow themselves to become misguided due to their consistent negativity and pessimism in belief and when somebody comes to warn or guide them, they are blind and deaf, as though they have had their eyes gouged out and ears cut off. Allah will bring misguidance upon you if you rebel against him and continue along this path.

You wholeheartedly have to submit to what Allah has willed to test you with. You be content with whatever befalls you.

What is your purpose? To build a happy life here? To make a name for yourself among the people? To have a good reputation? To have a big house and several cars? Or maybe even if you're a humble person, you just want peace and you'd be happy with that? Have a happy married life? Good children? Relief from all illness? Whatever it may be. None of this is what we should ultimately be yearning for or thinking we have a right to. They are all secondary to our primary purpose, which is to worship Allah in the manner that he has told us to. You can do this worship under any circumstance, in good times or bad. So therefore don't get hung up on these issues. Ultimately, good or bad, they are all distractions that divert your attention from your true goal of attaining the pleasure of Allah.

The Sahaba, may Allah have mercy on them, would give their lives for Islam. Would you be able to do the same, if you were put in a position where you had to fight for your faith?

Allah is what we think Allah to be. If we make dua thinking Allah is never going to answer and think of him as this unfair being that answers everybody else's dua but neglects ours - by Allah, our duas will most likely never be answered. We need sincerity, conviction and certainty when we make dua. We need to think of Allah in an extremely positive light when we connect with him from our heart and ask sincerely and patiently persevere, whether he gives us what we want or not.

Believers should be doing this at all time regardless, but if circumstance is such that you can't do anything about your situation, what else is there left to do but to submit, resign and accept what Allah has chosen to test you with? Isn't that the most rational approach given that you have at least an inkling of belief in Allah? Won't you do what he has told you to do at times of hardship?

Generally, when a hardship befalls one, I've noticed the first reaction is to curse. This is not how a believer should behave. Allah has said:

Surah Baqarah:

155. And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).

156. Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: "Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return."

157. They are those on whom are the Salawat (i.e. blessings, etc.) (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided-ones


Verse 156 is the famous one that we all know: Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi' raji'oon.

Ask yourself, what is your personal goal in life? Is it to seek Allah's pleasure and pass this test that you are on, or something else? If it's not the former, then you need to make it your goal.

Strive to strenghten your connection with Allah. Dua is an excellent method to achieve this. Consistently persevere when you make dua. You have to be sincere and talk to him as though you are indeed asking of a benevolent, loving, caring being that will help you out of the problem that you are facing and make it easy for you. Anything contrary to this then you're destined for failure.

Hardships are a form of tough love from Allah. Allah does indeed give the believers hardship in order to strenghten them, to punish and wipe their sins and sometimes even to guide them out of heedlessness.

Just 5 years ago, Astaghfirullah, I had a similar bitterness as you do. Why me? I always had good intentions and thought I was a good guy, why did bad things happen to me? I always wanted to practise Islam all my life, but I never got around to it. It was hardship that jolted me into action.

I thought to myself, all this time I've never truly practised like I was supposed to and things haven't gone my way. Why don't I for once do as I am told and see what happens? Alhamdulilah, my entire perspective on life changed. Things did get better. Although on the surface, I still face difficulties in life, my perspective is different. I don't think Allah is unfair at all. Now every single hardship I've experienced in my life make sense and I realise their importance in moulding my character into what it is now. If I had to live life again, I would want the same hardships. Even though at the time, they were very testing. So you see, there is definitely divine wisdom behind everything. I'd still be heedless now, if I didn't have calamity befall me.

Brother or sister, your bitterness is never going to get you anywhere and it will destroy you if you let it fester. Break your nafs. Stop assuming you're entitled to having everything you wish for being given to you. You're entitled to only what Allah wills upon you. Be patient and have conviction.

Look at the lives of the Prophets peace be upon them. They had extremely tough lives. They were the most beloved of Allah yet they were tried very harshly. I believe in the case of certain sahaba, they used to get upset when hardship left them, because they thought Allah was angry with them. That kind of approach to life can only come about due to strong connection with Allah and utter renunciation of the world. This is something we should all aim for.
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Lonely Gal
04-10-2010, 07:59 PM
can i ask is she married?
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CosmicPathos
04-11-2010, 03:35 AM
@ grofica: Without sounding harsh, I think its about time that you tell your friend to visit the third world and meet random people on the street. The dying ones. The suffering ones. The malnourished ones. The unfortunate ones. Not being able to bear a child is a painful experience to live with it but she should start putting her suffering in perspective with global suffering. Then she might ask herself if she has the right to complain?
Its pretty emotional on her part to tell you that you cant understand what she is going through just because you did not experience that. I think thats a very selfish comment. No one is born on a bed of roses. And no one is spoon fed in life. No one is denying her suffering. But she needs to start worrying about the suffering of mankind, not just herself.
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غزالی
04-11-2010, 06:07 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Grofica
What can i tell my friend she is depressed and i need some good words of wisdom for her...

She wants a child but she had problems so that the doctors told her she may never...

but this is the email she sent me today and i really dont know what to say....

someone please help
Sister, The same situation was also with my one friend. He has 3 duaghter but he also want the son. He himself said that he always asked God for son, day and night and always remain depressed for that. he said on night in Tahajud prayer (Midnight prayer) i have start complaining to Allah (God) and asked 'you most give me son and all the night i have insisted on it and finally i got it'.
Now he met me after 4 years and i have asked about his child. He told me that my family life is very bad and miserable now. My that son has a desease that all the time he continue weeping. we can't sleep whole night not at day time.we have checked him to many qualified doctor but they could not find what's problem with him..Now we neither can live with him nor we can kill him as it is haraam. Then he (My friend) has told me the Golden words, very important to remember, that "we don't know what is better for us, Only our Creator Know, so we should have trust on his decision for us, If we pray to him for any of our need, we should ask him to give us with hafia (which is better, easy and Good for us)"
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Grofica
04-11-2010, 06:32 AM
First i will say she is not Muslim but

She was married for 10 years (or so) but the marriage disovled when she found out her husband was with another woman. Right now she is with no one but during the time she was married is when she found out that even with surgery the chances of carring a child are low... and everytime her sister-in-law or whom ever gets pregnant she understandable gets depressed.

I dont know what to say honestly and i thank you for all the words of wisdom.

In regards to Mad_Scientist... I think your right. i mean she has been some places like that but i agree people choose not to see what they dont want to. But i think she should be happy with what she does have. I have been in some real bad spots in my life and honestly i dont know how i made it out ok... so i have a differnt perspective on things. i agree she is being selfish... and i understand her pain at not having a child but she is a little over the top with it.

And honestly it makes me agree just a bit that she is keeping a "tab" (or list) of "good deeds" she is chisten but even in that your not supposed to count the things you have done... your supposed to do them from your heart not to be paid back later...

I agree she needs someone to talk to and i want to be there for her and not judge her but i also want to change her mind a little bit... she cant live in a sea of sorrow.
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sophie22
05-03-2010, 11:06 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by hafizsaad
Sister, The same situation was also with my one friend. He has 3 duaghter but he also want the son. He himself said that he always asked God for son, day and night and always remain depressed for that. he said on night in Tahajud prayer (Midnight prayer) i have start complaining to Allah (God) and asked 'you most give me son and all the night i have insisted on it and finally i got it'.
Now he met me after 4 years and i have asked about his child. He told me that my family life is very bad and miserable now. My that son has a desease that all the time he continue weeping. we can't sleep whole night not at day time.we have checked him to many qualified doctor but they could not find what's problem with him..Now we neither can live with him nor we can kill him as it is haraam. Then he (My friend) has told me the Golden words, very important to remember, that "we don't know what is better for us, Only our Creator Know, so we should have trust on his decision for us, If we pray to him for any of our need, we should ask him to give us with hafia (which is better, easy and Good for us)"



im not muslim but i just wanted to ask u are you still in touch with this friend of yours? if you are then tell him about cupping i think Muslims call it hijama. my Muslim friend showed me this website called healthmeanswealth.co.uk you email them and tell them what area you live in they email back with contact details of hijamma therapists in your area, please pass this website on to your friend so he can find a cupping therapist for his son. here is the website:

http://healthmeanswealth.co.uk/
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S<Chowdhury
05-03-2010, 11:38 AM
I know your friend isn't Muslim but in general for everyone 10 tips to fight depression

10 Tips to Fight Depression
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Snowflake
05-03-2010, 03:25 PM
:sl: You tried your best sister. However I find it's harder to pacify a non muslim with talk about God's plans and His mercy and blessings. I also doubt it's a purely biological need that is driving this lady to despair. Childless people do at some point come to accept that it will never be and move on with their lives. It sounds as if this lady wants a baby to fill a void in her life. She may feel that having a baby will mean having someone who will love her despite all her faults and never let her down. She sees the mother-child bond as an unbreakable one and because she has been betrayed, this is one bond she feels won't ever let her down. In short, she is wanting a baby to fill this whole in her life. But babies don't always stay babies. They grow up, move out and sometimes never look back. If you, yourself cannot fill the void in your own life, how can anyone else do that for you? You can show your friend this if you think it's appropriate.

Even if your friend is not a muslim, tell her that God is merciful and withholds something we want when He knows that thing is bad for us. Did all those elderly people who have been left in old people's homes and forgotten, think that their beloved and badly wanted child would do that to them one day? I'm sure they wish they could turn the clock back. Happiness is inside us. Anything else that we acquire is only our perception of happiness. In reality happiness is what we draw out of our souls like drawing water from a well. Only that happiness will truly quench our thirsty hearts. And that happiness that comes from the soul, comes from nowhere but the remembrance of Allah. God isn't only for muslims. He is for all His creation. She can remember Him as she wishes.


However, this is an opportunity to give your friend dawah. Give her a translation of the Holy Quran, amongst other reading/audio material and just be there for her. Sometimes we don't need advice. Just listening to ourselves gives us the answers we're searching for. May Allah give her guidence. Ameen.
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