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Umm Amatullah
04-21-2010, 09:08 PM
:sl::sl:

Right, this is a problem that has been itching my head for a few months, wa laakin Allah tests His 'ibaad and upon us is to be patient.

I did a dhulm against my beloved and I mean beloved dear companions, they are closer to me than any blood sisters (although I don't have any blood sisters). I find it belittling to call them my friends, for I took them as sisters. Anyway, here is what happened:

I was told by my sisters that they would wait for me in order to go home together, so I trusted them and continued in my task and then as planned went to see where they were...Now I didn't find them for 15 minutes roaming around, eventually being a human being and being attacked by shaytaan I started to feel upset and angry; I was also giving many miscalls...which were not being answered, this added to the tension. When I got the line through, she said she had gone to the city centre, I felt speechless and just had to cut the phone. Now there were other reasons increasing my tension, which I will explain inshaa Allah, but what happened after this was life-changing. I went to the city centre myself and just happened to see them there, I felt a surge of anger and ran upto them and I hit one of them hard...at first she thought it was a joke to get her attention, but my anger was written all over my face. I actually felt like crying and couldn't speak, I wanted to show them as well I was angry at them and al hamdu lillah I had sense to leave the scene. While walking alone, I realised my mistake and went home drenched in guilt. I cried a lot, I asked one sister forgiveness via MSN, she seemed to say it's okay but she wouldn't really speak much over that. The sister I hurt, I texted about twice, telling her she could do the same to me, I would compensate...but she she didn't reply. The next day I went looking for her, when I eventually found her, I said salam, she replied and I said am sorry to her...she rudely said she had work to do....I was distraught and gave her time to complete her work and then returned to talk to her. When I did return, she started shunning me and I had to chase her and grab her hand asking for forgiveness with watery eyes...she said that she had forgiven me...but to stay away was better...I said no with tears in my eyes, she said yes and let go of my hand :'(. I cried immensely...That was the last we properly spoke, about 5 months ago...

The other reason for my increase in tension in that incident was that during my company with my sisters, I used to be neglected and sub-consciously this started to put some negative emotions in my heart. I never hated them, just used to wonder why are they doing this to me? Sometimes, I would be with them and they would speak a different language I have yet to understand fluently ('arabi)...or once I sat right near them...I waited for them to address me; I waited more than 30 mins, they didn't even look at me. That day I thought I had to talk to them about what was going on. On MSN I had 2 heart to hearts with them. There I found they didn't even feel there was friendship, they thought I was too different, yet I chose them for their wonderful deen. They didn't like conversing with me for that reason. When I tried to advise them away from backbiting or such, to them it seemed like stopping their conversation and not fitting in. Also, in the beginning of our company, we had a few debates about our difference in deen... I realised my mistake and made tawbah, my sister never came upto me saying it hurt her feelings and I assumed all was well. Later on, in this heart to heart, I find out that this had caused a barrier between us, ya'ni she was hurt by it and let it reside in her heart...apparently thereafter she started taking any of my religious advice as force on her, although seriously it was just normal religious talk. I didn't know of this barrier, but asked for her to give me a chance...she supposedly did...but...

After my apology and dreadful guilt, my other sisters consoled me and those sisters wouldn’t want anything to return to normal and just wanted the relationship to be left at salam. I was even forced out by my beloved sister, when she said if she felt awkward in my company, she would leave the Islamic society of our college…as she and I were in the board. This shut my mouth for a while and I somehow managed to cope. Although sometimes I would cry in the night and feel awkward, I really didn’t know what was going on and why I felt so upset when I had accepted. Then I heard they were feeling tension from me...now it was just salam and sometimes I would be shunned, especially by one sister who I regrettably couldn’t say a word to for a month. I thought I had to write a letter to them, saying let this grudge be over and let’s be warm with each other and I am extremely remorseful…plus I didn’t want the Islamic society to be affected (technically, the other sis never turned up for our meetings since). They said they needed more time, I cried and realised what it was…I missed them and wanted them back…I made a firm decision to want that company again and still have trust in the du’aa that I make…

Time went by and I was becoming drained of energy and really stressed…so I emailed them about 2 months ago wanting a face to face and reunion. I told them I missed them etc, but they didn’t reply, but a week later one popped up on MSN. I thought she had deleted me, but she was there and I ended up supporting her and forgetting my tension, we decided on a distant relationship. Then I became very sad and upset again, qadrullah, I thought she had deleted me from MSN…she came again and asked my why I was upset. I tried to refrain from saying it was her, but I ended up having to. I tried to justify myself this time, but I couldn’t and she said to me she will never forget what happened but she has forgiven- plus because I was being “persistent” she wants to end the friendship (all I did was send a letter and then weeks later 2 emails, because I was upset)… I told her she has left me and that is causing me pain, as well as the fact that I was responsible for it. She for some reason had to go and it has been two months, she hasn’t completed the conversation.

In the process, I asked a sister who was my advisor, she said to me that what my sisters did was as an excuse. As in they used what I did, to find an excuse to leave me as they had already problems with my company. My heart was obviously broken and my good opinion of them cracked a bit, this sister is the head sister and she has been an intermediate of mines, as in she has been talking to them on my behalf. After being scared of Allah’s punishment, I secretly forced the other sister into an MSN conversation…she caused me to have an emotional fit afterwards because she said what I did was beyond extreme, I was admitting my mistake, but for her the mistake was too extreme…beyond extreme. She said she forgave me, but won’t forget and she just told me to start afresh and she needs to go, sleep well…I thanked Allah for increasing the hardship…but still ended up in agony, I even was grasping for breath. SubhanAllah.

Now am so sorry, but that background had to be there. Is salam enough to sustain a once close relationship? What if immediately after salam you are turned away or sometimes you aren’t given salam at all, or turned away for more than three days then salam, etc, what if you try to uphold ties by helping them whenever possible? They say this is reconciliation, just salam (that too a dull one) and khalaas, no more, after college I guess I am forsaken.... I am heartbroken and upset and so guilty. They say there is no grudge, but they cannot forget . I am confused, please advise me…
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happy
04-22-2010, 03:58 PM
Subhanallah Firstly everyone make mistake and from what you write there were a lot of negative that happen between you and the other sister especially after the religious debate so my advice to you is forgive them and whatever bad things they did to you and just get on with your life.If the sisters say to you they feel there is barrier between you and them cuz of the being from different ethnicity however that is ignorance and inshaalah by the mercy of Allah one day you will find a sincere sister who love you who you are and for Allah sake not you being Asian, African etc. Inshaalah don't worry too much people we care come to our life and then they go for many reason but life have to go on and if they don't want you to have relationship with them then surely you cannot force them.
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cat eyes
04-22-2010, 04:28 PM
just managed to read all your post wow lol humm sis ive often been upset with my friends but never hit them. this is wrong and hope you repented to Allah for it :) i think the reason for them all being distant from you is because this incident really shocked the sister and now she probably feels uncomfortable to be around you again. being abused can emotionally effect somebody for quite a long time even though she accepted your apology i would just leave it here and i would not worry about those other sisters who dont want to be your friends. your only friend is Allah remember this. there is certain limits on how close i get to another sister now because i have been hurt in the past.
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aadil77
04-22-2010, 04:59 PM
Sis how old are you? that kind of jelousy or annoyance is childish, maybe when you all grow up a little you'll forget about it and make up again.
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islamirama
04-22-2010, 05:07 PM
wa'alaikum as'salaam wr wb

No offense but your actions and anger is one of the root causes of all this. This is why prophet (s) said to control your anger. You don't go start hitting people because you are upset and then expect to have things back to normal. If someone had done that to me, i be like go away emtionally unstable person and would not be friends with them anymore. Yea, i'd be nice afterwards if they apologize and all that but you kiss what you had before good bye. Although you are sorry for what you did and everything, which is good, but i doubt you will ever go back to having that same relationship. Somethings just can't be undone. You need to learn to control your anger and your emotions, it seems like you get emotional very quickly. You also need to learn some patiences, jumping to conclusions right away and getting upset is not the right way. The prophet (s) said make up 70 excuses for your brother before you think bad of him.

With that said. Your adviser sister hit the nail on the head. These arab girls used to neglect and ignore you, spoke in different language so to not have you part of it, and whats more they even stated they didn't feel any friendship between you and you are too different to be part of their group. So i don't know what wonderful "deen" of theirs were you impressed by. Putting on hijab and pretending to islamic isn't all that deeni.

Despite all your pleas and attempts to get back with them, they refused to have anything with you and give you the cold shoulder. You may have thought of them as sisters, more than just friends but you need to wake up and see the reality. You are not one of them and they are not accepting you as one. You need to learn to let go and move on, there are plenty of other muslimahs in the world and inshallah you'll find more friends and real friends who would want to be with you. No need to keep showing your desperate to have them back, have some self-respect and move on. Know that this chapter of your life is over. You can keep your relationship with them as they keep it, be kind and diplomatic but that's about it. Go find sisters who will accept you as one of their own and won't think of you as different or ignore you or talk in different language to keep you out.
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Alpha Dude
04-22-2010, 05:20 PM
Wa alaykum salam
No offense but your actions and anger is one of the root causes of all this. This is why prophet (s) said to control your anger. You don't go start hitting people because you are upset and then expect to have things back to normal. If someone had done that to me, i be like go away emtionally unstable person and would not be friends with them anymore. Yea, i'd be nice afterwards if they apologize and all that but you kiss what you had before good bye. Although you are sorry for what you did and everything, which is good, but i doubt you will ever go back to having that same relationship. Somethings just can't be undone. You need to learn to control your anger and your emotions, it seems like you get emotional very quickly. You also need to learn some patiences, jumping to conclusions right away and getting upset is not the right way. The prophet (s) said make up 70 excuses for your brother before you think bad of him.
I agree. Try to see it as a lesson that you can learn from, sister. Your anger betrayed you. The mentioned incident and subsequent fallout that you experienced should remain with you as a strong reminder to always control your anger InshaAllah, unless when necessary.
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cat eyes
04-22-2010, 05:27 PM
sis i would also like to advise you to listen to some ruqiyah vids. play it everyday and you might possibly see a difference in your behaviour :)
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Umm Amatullah
04-22-2010, 05:28 PM
I know I got angry and all, I realised that very day and I am still in such a sea of sorrow. I came here not to increase in guilt but for some sincere advice, but I wonder why I ever tried, when Allah is the only one who will understand me. Personally, I am so upset only Allah understands. It was mistake and I am not generally a person who is angry and but that day I became angry. Why would I hurt the sacred arm of my beloved sister? I am sorry but you have made friends in life, who she was was a sister born from the womb of the heart. I know things cannot be unchanged, but the depth of the sea of guilt that I am sinking in, only Allah is keeping me afloat. When they wronged me, I forgave them and could have easily left and I didn't...If that day I was in my senses, I would have given them a gift instead of hitting. It was not because they were 'arab, no, but it was a way they sometimes neglected me. They do have a wonderful deen, but as we are all humans, they have flaws too. One of them teaches me tajweed still and the other I call her muhibb al Qur'an. My life is cheap before the price of their existence. Laugh o people, but I am serious...she was my sister in the way of Allah and still is. She is the zeenah of my dua, I pray they both be my companions in jannah, waAllahu 'alam.
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CosmicPathos
04-22-2010, 05:52 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Umm Amatullah
I know I got angry and all, I realised that very day and I am still in such a sea of sorrow. I came here not to increase in guilt but for some sincere advice, but I wonder why I ever tried, when Allah is the only one who will understand me. Personally, I am so upset only Allah understands. It was mistake and I am not generally a person who is angry and but that day I became angry. Why would I hurt the sacred arm of my beloved sister? I am sorry but you have made friends in life, who she was was a sister born from the womb of the heart. I know things cannot be unchanged, but the depth of the sea of guilt that I am sinking in, only Allah is keeping me afloat. When they wronged me, I forgave them and could have easily left and I didn't...If that day I was in my senses, I would have given them a gift instead of hitting. It was not because they were 'arab, no, but it was a way they sometimes neglected me. They do have a wonderful deen, but as we are all humans, they have flaws too. One of them teaches me tajweed still and the other I call her muhibb al Qur'an. My life is cheap before the price of their existence. Laugh o people, but I am serious...she was my sister in the way of Allah and still is. She is the zeenah of my dua, I pray they both be my companions in jannah, waAllahu 'alam.
If they were THAT close to you, they should not get emotional on just one beating that you gave her especially after you have sincerely apologized. Everyone makes mistakes. Seems she is using that as an excuse to go away from you. And you are degrading your dignity by calling her "the zeenah of my dua." of course we make dua for every Muslim but not in the way you are doing it.
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Umm Amatullah
04-22-2010, 06:04 PM
What I mean by that ias everybody has something special they ask foir in thgeir du'aa.. that is that special thing. It doesn't mean that everything else is inferior...but if there is anything ion the dunya I intensely make dua for...it is mostly to do with them.
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
04-22-2010, 06:49 PM
Aslaamu alaykum..
I read your story sis and SubhaanAllaah i can feel the way you feel, i can see you did ask for forgiveness many times from your friends, but they dont seem to want to get back, i guess you will just have to leave it at that and ask Allaah to help you, they dont want to be around you or whatever but remember Allaah is always there when you are in need not only in the time of time but always, since he created you!....My advice is just move on and be patient and maybe this is what Allaah willed also so am sure theres a reason behind it ...i dont know if my advice is the best or even good to begin with InshaAllaah i helped out , and forgive me if i said anything wrong

wa alaaykum salaam...
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Umm Amatullah
04-22-2010, 07:41 PM
Wa 'alaikum asalam wa rahmatullah,

No, I felt warmth in your advice al hamdu lillah. It is true that I have done my part, I try to move on...but in a way I still feel for them and fear for them. I don't want any evil to come their way. I don't want them to be touched by any evil, may Allah grant them hidayah. They probably don't know, but there is a sister that cries wanting their good...but it is life and I have to walk on. Everything is qadrAllah, there are reasons for everything. In the beginning I was okay with it, just upset here and there...then I just happened to pass by an article about stress, it said "trust Allah but tie your camel" for some reason there came an enlightening in me and I just went to on a very long journery thereafter. I started thinking actually maybe I can have them back if I make du'aa to Allah...And I still make my du'aa, trusting Allah even if I die...because I don't want to give up in my du'aa' to Him :) I may cry here and there, it is not like my life has stopped, it has a cloud of hardship...which I know one day will fade. I think maybe because they were neglecting me, it could be that we would all have to go through a purification period and maybe later things will change inshaa Allah. I can't have their company back unless they don't learn about true adab within a company...but yes I will try and go on inshaa Allah...but I will never leave them inshaa Allah...even if I just keep them in my du'aa. I know something amazing is yet to happen al hamdu lillah.
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Umm Amatullah
04-22-2010, 08:05 PM
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
04-22-2010, 08:39 PM
Aslaamu alaaykum...
Ameen to the dua. and MashaAllaah may Allah make it easy for you and indeed what Allaah does is for your own best sis...
Life is a test and live to please Allaah in th ways he Commands! (such a beautiful word Command dont u think?) :)..You can ask Allaah whatever you want, and he may test your patience, and he knows whether that action is better for you or not, and if it is, he may grant you what you want in the hereafter..Be Patient, and remain busy on your deen..:) InshaAllaah, you need any help , the brothers and sisters on this forum are here to help you out always..Also look at the life of the prophets, their lives were set as examples for us dear sister, they had worse than us but they kept calm and patient and at the end they got the best out of it, so if we follow them we will also get the best out of this whole Life...so remmeber their stories, it may ease your pain for you..recite the Quraan everyday, or as much as you can and supplicate to Allaah..be sincere and indeed Allaah listens, people forget that..look what Allaah says in this ayah here"Then do ye remember Me; I will remember you. Be grateful to Me, and reject not Faith.":, that should make you feel safe and make you smile, surely Allaah has given you soo much..thing of the blessings of Allaah, and think that this is a gift from your lord..hope this makes you smile sis Indeed :)...ooh and read about the story of the life of the final Prophet Muhammad sallahu alayhi wa salam...think about how it will feel to be infront of him InshaAllaah...

Wa alaaykum Salaam
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Umm Amatullah
04-22-2010, 10:41 PM
Wa 'alaikum asalam wa rahmatullah,

Yes that's nice, actually a little exciting seeing that if this life is hardship without reform...then almost certainly, if we had faith and patience, we will have ease in the next inshaa Allah :) A reward is awaiting for patience. This is how Allah expresses His love to us I guess and He can only alleviate hardship so I will try and live with the clock...as in I will see what time will bring about inshaa Allah. Al hamdu lillah 'ala kulli haal.
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
04-23-2010, 11:59 AM
^ Alhamdulillah sis ..indeed...:)
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Cabdullahi
04-23-2010, 08:50 PM
what would happen if you treated them for a meal at a good restaurant thats what i would do....it might make things better insha'Allah
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Umm Amatullah
04-23-2010, 10:20 PM
They are not prepared to even speak beyond salam and I said to them in the beginning I 'll do whatever you want as a compensation (of course if I can do it) paraphrased slightly, but it didn't nudge them. I think they don't have a grudge, they just don't want me back...I would gift them if I could have, but now after so many months I just don't see that happening.
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islamirama
04-23-2010, 11:52 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Umm Amatullah
They are not prepared to even speak beyond salam and I said to them in the beginning I 'll do whatever you want as a compensation (of course if I can do it) paraphrased slightly, but it didn't nudge them. I think they don't have a grudge, they just don't want me back...I would gift them if I could have, but now after so many months I just don't see that happening.
Perhaps you should cut your losses and find new friends. They apparently don't believe in second changes, and honestly if someone had done what you did i wouldn't be friend with them either. It's just over, deal with it and move on. Then again i wouldn't have been acting like them in the first place.
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Umm Amatullah
04-24-2010, 01:02 PM
Honestly, I will give you some advice inshaa Allah. This is our ummah, not any western culture we are talking about. Our ummah prides itself in unity and is one of our greatest weapons. Honestly, if you can't cope with your friend wronging you, then I am sorry you are not a friend. Technically, it is the right of a Muslim to have their mistakes overlooked. Allah is solely the perfect one, we are all imperfect and we make mistakes...you might do a mistake against somebody you love and they will leave you, if you could thus know how painful it feels to be estranged by somebody you loved then you will sympathise. If you don't feel pain at all, then you didn't love your companions and in Islam friendship has a whole new dimension. We love each other for the sake of Allah and don't let the slightest pin destroy the bond. Our goal is to please Allah. I am not being boastful, but using myself as an example. I had a friend and still do, who used to annoy me to the ground. She would insult me, shun me at particular times and sometimes tease me and even bully me! I know she hasn't been acting like a friend, al hamdu lillah I am intelligent enough to know that. I don't accompany her, but still I don't mind talking to her on the phone or MSN or have small meetings here and there...or even share my thoughts, because the bigger picture is unity and I shouldn't have to care if she is hurting me, every person you leave for them hurting you, you leave them to a wolf- known as shaytaan. You need to learn to be tolerant, if somebody hurts you, you don't cut the relationship subhanAllah. You make excuses for your brother and I would say treat them and gift them. PLease Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. I know my beloved companions did not do so, but we all have to try. You will be forgiven the way yuou forgive others. Yahya ibn Mu'adh once said "
“A friend is the one who you don’t have to remind to remember you in his (her) supplication, and that you don’t have to flatter and impress, and that you don’t have to apologize to.”

SubhanAllah, you cannot want or even expect to have a perfect friend who will always please you and won't hurt you. It is a simple thing, if you can't overlook somebody's mistake you can never expect to be their lovers. You need to learn to be the best to your companions and most importantly be tolerant. Look at these two stories from the lives of the companions radhiAllahu 'anhum:

There occurred an argument between Abu Dharr, and Bilal-may Allah be pleased with them both- and even though they were both Companions of the Prophet (SAW), they were still human.

During the argument, Abu Dharr became angry and said to Bilal, “O son of a black woman!” Thereupon, Bilal complained to the Messenger of Allah (SAW). The Prophet (SAW) called Abu Dharr and said, “Did you insult Bilal?”

He replied, “Yes.”

The Prophet (SAW) said, “Did you mention his mother?”

He replied, “When someone is insulted, usually his father and mother are also mentioned, O Messenger of Allah!”

The Prophet (SAW) replied, “You are a man with traits of pre-Islamic ignorance.”

He asked, “Even when I am this old?”

The Prophet (SAW) replied, “Yes.”

The Prophet (SAW) then taught him the manner in which he should deal with those who may be seen as below his social status, saying, “They are only your brothers. Allah has placed them in your care; and whoever Allah places in one’s care then let him feed him with what he eats himself, clothe him with what he clothes himself. Let him not overburden him with that which he cannot bear. And if he does overburden him, then let him lend a hand.

What did Abu Dharr do then?

Abu Dharr went to see Bilal and apologized. He sat on the ground in front of Bilal and he became closer to the ground till he rested his cheek on the dust, and said, “O Bilal! Put your foot on my cheek!” (Muslim)

This is how eager the Companions were to set out the flames of enmity before they became strong, and even if they became strong, they would do their best to prevent them from spreading.

A disagreement took place between Abu Bakr and Umar (May Allah be pleased with them both), where Abu Bakr made ‘Umar angry.

‘Umar went away from Abu Bakr in a state of anger. When Abu Bakr saw this, he regretted it and feared that the situation may exacerbate. Thus he went after ‘Umar saying,
“Forgive me, O ‘Umar!” But ‘Umar refused to turn to him.

Abu Bakr kept apologizing and following ‘Umar until he reached his home and shut the door in Abu Bakr’s face. Upon this, Abu Bakr went to the Messenger of Allah (SAW). When the Prophet (SAW) saw him coming from afar, he noticed something different about him and said, “This Companion of ours seems to be in trouble.”

Abu Bakr sat down quietly, and it wasn’t long until ‘Umar also regretted his mistake. May Allah be pleased with them all! How pure were their hearts!

‘Umar headed to the Prophet’s gathering, greeted everyone and sat down next to the Prophet (SAW) and told him the story, along with how he turned away from Abu Bakr and did not accept his apology.

The Messenger of Allah (SAW) became angry. When Abu Bakr saw his anger, he began to say, “By Allah, O Messenger of Allah! This is only because I was the wrongdoer. I was the wrongdoer!” He began to defend and make excuses for ‘Umar.

The Prophet (SAW) said, “Will you leave my Companion alone? Will you leave my Companion alone? When I said, ‘O people! I am the Messenger of Allah to you all’, all of you said, ‘You have lied!’ yet Abu Bakr said, ‘You have spoken the truth!”(al-Bukhari)

Companions are those that you love for the sake of Allah, not those that when you become angry with them due to a mistake they make, you leave them,. You don't use your friends and don't break friendships, look to please Allah and things become very easy al hamdu lillah.
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islamirama
04-24-2010, 05:07 PM
here's some advice you in return.

What did the sahaba do after that bilal incident? He told bilal to put his foot on the face of this sahaba. They both embraced each other like brothers afterward. What did your friends do when you asked for forgiveness, did they, like bilal, embrace you and made up or are they still ignoring you and keeping everything just platonic?

This is our ummah and not western society but also a believer is never stung twice from the same hole. I don't have to hate the person but i'm not obligated to remain friends with someone i don't want to.
Yahya ibn Mu'adh once said "
“A friend is the one who you don’t have to remind to remember you in his (her) supplication, and that you don’t have to flatter and impress, and that you don’t have to apologize to.”
Share that with your "friends" they are more in need of it than i am.
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Umm Amatullah
04-24-2010, 06:31 PM
Inshaa Allah, I know our situation is different, but I thought I would post it as an advice in general for everybody.
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