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theStig
05-14-2010, 06:26 PM
A few days ago a female muslimah I know from when I met her at school 3 years ago sms'es me. We kept in touch through facebook and chat seldom. She tells me that she's gotten arranged engaged. From the tone of her message, and the content, I could tell that she wasn't too thrilled about it. She said something like "that's not what she had in mind" or something, but conceded that life is short and that the real life is after this one. That is true. She told me that I'm the only she told. I don't know why. But that's the scenario.

What do I do? Do I:

1) Convince her that she should go through it even though she's not fully certain about it? That with time she will find peace in this decision?

2) Tell her to think long and hard before making such a big decision. Because this is a decision that will be with her for the rest of her life. And that yes this life is short, but it does not mean you have to settle for something that you are not content with.

I don't know what to do. I certainly do not want to come inbetween a bond that is being made. But I also don't want her to be unhappy or unsatisfied with her decision. How do I help her in the best way where the end result is best for her? I know a cousin of mine who married underpressure from his parents. Now he's divorced and about to enter into a second marriage of HIS choice. What should I do? Of course, I am praying for her and wishing her happiness.

Cheers
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Asiyah3
05-15-2010, 10:35 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by theStig
She tells me that she's gotten arranged engaged. From the tone of her message, and the content, I could tell that she wasn't too thrilled about it. She said something like "that's not what she had in mind" or something, but conceded that life is short and that the real life is after this one. That is true..
I don't know what to do. I certainly do not want to come inbetween a bond that is being made. But I also don't want her to be unhappy or unsatisfied with her decision. How do I help her in the best way where the end result is best for her? I know a cousin of mine who married underpressure from his parents. Now he's divorced and about to enter into a second marriage of HIS choice.
If she's sure she doesn't want to get married then she shouldn't.

What do I do? Do I:

]1) Convince her that she should go through it even though she's not fully certain about it? That with time she will find peace in this decision?
Is the guy religious and does he have a good character? Do you know why she wasn't content or doesn't want to get married?

May Allah grant her happiness and a religious spouse. Ameen.
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marwen
05-15-2010, 10:54 PM
the option 2 you mentioned is always valid.
format_quote Originally Posted by theStig
2) Tell her to think long and hard before making such a big decision. Because this is a decision that will be with her for the rest of her life. And that yes this life is short, but it does not mean you have to settle for something that you are not content with.
But as sis "**muslimah**" said, you have to know why she doesn't want to go through it, so you can give her a better advice.
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theStig
05-16-2010, 01:51 AM
I am not sure. She never told me that part.
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Alpha Dude
05-16-2010, 08:36 AM
:sl: I say just leave her alone. Don't pry in her business. Tell her to pray Istikarah and make as much dua as possible for guidance and leave it at that.
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S_87
05-16-2010, 12:45 PM
are you male? from your name im guessing you are.
if so, break all contact with her.
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Asiyah3
05-16-2010, 03:55 PM
:sl:
(Actually forget my advice) I agree with Alpha Dude and Amani.
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theStig
05-16-2010, 04:19 PM
So .. not help her at all..

even though she could potentially make a mistake?
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Asiyah3
05-16-2010, 04:21 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by theStig
So .. not help her at all..

even though she could potentially make a mistake?
:sl:
What if you advice her wrongly?
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theStig
05-16-2010, 04:30 PM
And what if I don't?
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theStig
05-16-2010, 04:33 PM
The point I'm trying to make is...

A human being is hanging on by the skin of their teeth. If they let go they'll fall off the cliff. I want to help this human being. I see that the human being is a girl. So what I just back off because she's a girl, make no contact, and let her fall? Because there's no one around. If there was I'd certainly find a female to help her up. I'm just trying to help her. I haven't seen her in 3 years. The only advice I'd ever give to her would be through text. Letter writing.
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Asiyah3
05-16-2010, 04:42 PM
****edit****
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Alpha Dude
05-16-2010, 07:22 PM
:sl:
format_quote Originally Posted by theStig
So .. not help her at all..

even though she could potentially make a mistake?
You mention that she told only you and that too unexpectedly, given that you seldom chat. Perhaps she has feelings for you. Perhaps she is wanting you to propose to her and this was her way of letting you know that she's about to be 'taken' and thus leaving only a small window to act? Who knows. Women tend to do weird things like that. :)

Anyway, if she carries on telling you how depressed she is about the decision, then and only then ask her what is wrong etc., otherwise don't pry.

Who knows, she could just have had a 'moodswing' before and might already have gotten over it by now. You asking and talking to her further about it might just open up healed wounds and take her into the realms of uncertainty again.

She's her own person. She's an adult. She's responsible for her own behaviour and is able to make her own life changing decisions. You don't need to baby her, nor does anybody else.

If Allah has willed to test her with something horrible, it will happen regardless and there will be divine wisdom behind it. So don't spend your time worrying about hypotheticals.

Make dua for her. Tell her to make dua for her guidance and pray istikarah over and over but other than that, just leave her to do her thing.
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distressed
05-16-2010, 07:43 PM
[QUOTE=Alpha Dude;1327883]:sl:

You mention that she told only you and that too unexpectedly, given that you seldom chat. Perhaps she has feelings for you. Perhaps she is wanting you to propose to her and this was her way of letting you know that she's about to be 'taken' and thus leaving only a small window to act? Who knows. Women tend to do weird things like that. :)

Who knows, she could just have had a 'moodswing' before and might already have gotten over it by now. You asking and talking to her further about it might just open up healed wounds and take her into the realms of uncertainty again.

QUOTE]

hmm ?? moodswing ?? & women are weird ?? LOL ;D thats a bit harsh ??

How come shes only told you?? like sum1 else has said, maybe she likes you ?? if shes a genuine problem, then i dont believe she has no other closer female friends to talk to . if shes not spoken to you in 3 years its a bit personal to come out with such heartache dont you think ?? either way you cant really do anything can you ?? apart from advise, as the others have said, tell her make dua.

D
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GuCcI
05-16-2010, 08:55 PM
sad and interesting...

tell her to pray istikhara and follow her gut/instictive feeling... and just leave it at that. It's not your place to tell her what decision she should make, I think you know that already. If at this point, she really does like you maybe she should come out with it ASAP lol.
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theStig
05-16-2010, 09:23 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
:sl:

You mention that she told only you and that too unexpectedly, given that you seldom chat. Perhaps she has feelings for you. Perhaps she is wanting you to propose to her and this was her way of letting you know that she's about to be 'taken' and thus leaving only a small window to act? Who knows. Women tend to do weird things like that. :)

Anyway, if she carries on telling you how depressed she is about the decision, then and only then ask her what is wrong etc., otherwise don't pry.

Who knows, she could just have had a 'moodswing' before and might already have gotten over it by now. You asking and talking to her further about it might just open up healed wounds and take her into the realms of uncertainty again.

She's her own person. She's an adult. She's responsible for her own behaviour and is able to make her own life changing decisions. You don't need to baby her, nor does anybody else.

If Allah has willed to test her with something horrible, it will happen regardless and there will be divine wisdom behind it. So don't spend your time worrying about hypotheticals.

Make dua for her. Tell her to make dua for her guidance and pray istikarah over and over but other than that, just leave her to do her thing.
Thanks! this is good advice. I think I will just let her be. If she is still a bit meh about it that's when I could advise her. Prying is not my style anyways. And I don't think she has feelings for me. She's a little older than me so don't think that's a possibility.
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theStig
05-16-2010, 09:24 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by GuCcI
sad and interesting...

tell her to pray istikhara and follow her gut/instictive feeling... and just leave it at that. It's not your place to tell her what decision she should make, I think you know that already. If at this point, she really does like you maybe she should come out with it ASAP lol.
Good advice as well. I guess that's what I'll just tell her. "Go with your gut. May Allah be with you". :) Thanks.
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Lonely Gal
05-16-2010, 09:29 PM
i think if she comes to u again, I think u shud advise her that she really needs to think about this before she gets married cos then it will be too late and plus even harder to get out of
She may want to do this for her fam but if her heart aint in it now and it dont work out, it'l be harder for her parents to accept divorce etc.
Once u have advised, and u wish to not keep in touch then let her know..and ur reasons for it so she is clear on everything
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S_87
05-17-2010, 10:08 AM
what advice would you give her? think of her decision? if she IS unsure as you think then she IS thinking about her decision!

Im not saying she may not need help but the last thing youll want is for her to get CONFUSED
what would you do, and dont laugh at this because it does happen especially when a person is in difficulty and they see someone showing kindness, what if she turns n falls for you? what would you do then?
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theStig
05-17-2010, 03:14 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by amani
what advice would you give her? think of her decision? if she IS unsure as you think then she IS thinking about her decision!

Im not saying she may not need help but the last thing youll want is for her to get CONFUSED
what would you do, and dont laugh at this because it does happen especially when a person is in difficulty and they see someone showing kindness, what if she turns n falls for you? what would you do then?
I'm not sure what exactly you're saying. If what you are saying that my influence will in any way get her to develop feelings for me then that is just false. I really am not the kind of guy women fall for so I'm quite certain that will not happen.

Besides, I don't think I'm going to pry in her business. Let her be.
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S_87
05-19-2010, 10:19 AM
good decision....
about the other thing dont be too certain though, shaytaan is always there, it can take just a few kind words...
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theStig
05-19-2010, 10:39 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by amani
good decision....
about the other thing dont be too certain though, shaytaan is always there, it can take just a few kind words...
Sure. But you really consider that a work of shaytan? That is just human nature and nothing happens without the will of Allah.
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S_87
05-20-2010, 09:31 AM
the sister is engaged..it is not down to human nature if she is talking to someone who is not her mahram and possibly developing feelings for him. that is a disaster and the work of shaytaan
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Gabriel Ibn Yus
05-20-2010, 09:49 AM
Its up to her man to make her feel good with him.
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cat eyes
05-20-2010, 09:55 AM
agree i dont know why your getting involved in an ingaged womans buisness. don't try and say the shayytan wont play his tricks because he will. it might be that you wont fall for her but women are different humans entirely and are more inclined to get attached quicker because of there sensitive nature. you might end up giving her all the wrong signals and making her confused

the second thing is you dont know the other guy just because she is going to do arranged marriage dose not mean its a bad thing. if she gave any hint that shes being foced into it then she should get in touch with another sister. dont just assume.

i kinda agree with alpha dude too, women are kinda like that maybe she wants you and she giving you hints
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أبو سليمان عمر
05-20-2010, 01:40 PM
The point I'm trying to make is...
the point we are making is...
A human being is hanging on by the skin of their teeth. If they let go they'll fall off the cliff. I want to help this human being. I see that the human being is a girl. So what I just back off because she's a girl, make no contact, and let her fall? Because there's no one around. If there was I'd certainly find a female to help her up. I'm just trying to help her. I haven't seen her in 3 years. The only advice I'd ever give to her would be through text. Letter writing
since when did doing somthng haram be ok to help someone which you are not even sure it will be help
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theStig
05-20-2010, 01:40 PM
If she's giving me hints, then what am I supposed to do about that?
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Asiyah3
05-20-2010, 01:44 PM
^"will you marry me?"
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Gabriel Ibn Yus
05-20-2010, 01:49 PM
Good advice. Very manly.
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Asiyah3
05-20-2010, 02:02 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Gabriel Ibn Yus
Good advice. Very manly.
What do you mean?
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Gabriel Ibn Yus
05-20-2010, 02:04 PM
That it is a good advice. If he is interested in her he should offer her security on the level that
she currently has.
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Asiyah3
05-20-2010, 02:14 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Gabriel Ibn Yus
That it is a good advice. If he is interested in her he should offer her security on the level that
she currently has.
:sl:
Why did you say it was very manly? Lol. Am I supposed to take that as a compliment? Not that I mind, just saying.
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Gabriel Ibn Yus
05-20-2010, 02:28 PM
Well, for him it seems like an appropriate advice.
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theStig
05-20-2010, 02:51 PM
Wait what?

You're joking right?
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Abdul Wahid
05-20-2010, 02:58 PM
Edit ------------
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Asiyah3
05-20-2010, 02:58 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by theStig
Wait what?

You're joking right?
Yes, I was just kidding.
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Alpha Dude
05-20-2010, 03:01 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by theStig
If she's giving me hints, then what am I supposed to do about that?
She is not allowed to consider two proposals at the same time. She can only consider your proposal, should you desire to marry her, after she explicity says no to who she has atm.

If she really is trying to give you hints, it's better you just ignored.
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