Mother in-law and marriage issues

[lost---]

Salaam folks,

I am new to this forum. I wanted bit of advice... i would appreciate if someone could advise me on my situation.

Recently after a few years of marriage I called for divorce. I had enough of my wife's constant disrespect and lack of due care. It's been building up for a while and even though her family has addressed her several times she continues to be swear and talk to me with disrespect.

She called her mother around at the point i called on divorce. I would like to point out that I did apologies and state divorce is not the solution. Anyway, the mother in-law came around and started talking about irrelevance stuff and was commenting on things which she knew nothing about. I corrected her and also advised her that she was a large problem in our marriage. I was quite frank and showed little regard for her by that stage she was already trying to say divorce is the only option and we were never right for each other. Hardly the case; the mother in-law has taught the wife little and respect is clearly something which is lacking in my wife. The mother in-law saw my points as attacks; my points were harsh but factual. The mother in-law proceeded to insult me and my mother (who was not present in the room) and also made a few comments about my background. In all fairness earlier in the conversation when the mother in-law was saying 'i knew this marriage was cursed from the start, there were no blessing....' blah blah blah i responded by saying something condescending to her; happy to expand if you require. I believe such witchcraft talk has no place in such a issue when husband and wife are experiencing difficulties and such idol worshipping 'cursed' talk is unacceptable - I was clearly annoyed by her pointless input.

Anyway, things between the wife and I are better but she still continues to disrespect me, i am still unhappy but she has stepped up her game with respect to taking care of me and the home and I really do appreciate this! I really do!

The issue is do i apologies to the mother in-law and leave it at that? Do i tackle the points/insults she raised or do I let it be. Personally I can not stand my mother in-law. She has a bad affect on my wife and she ends up repeating things her mother says. Personally I want to be far away from the mother in-law but i think my wife wants me to say sorry for the condescending comments I made and the way i spoke to her.

I understand it is tough to comment on a few lines and there is much more then just the above and i realise i am wrong to speak to an elder like the way I did even if they are talking such rubbish.

What do you think?

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

Sometimes people say and do things that are beyond logic and inexplicable. We have little control over their words, actions and the way they think. It's counter-productive to argue with them. Things in all likelihood will always escalate with one wrong miscalculation in the words chosen. So in my humble opinion, the best thing would be to ignore anything that doesn't sit well with you and forget about trying to 'correct' her. Be patient and keep calm. Let her have her say, unless there is truly going to be an adverse impact.

Elders don't usually take well to youngsters telling them they are wrong. There is no need to raise the chance of conflict by saying something that might not be necessary.

Silence is usually the better answer to ignorance.

[PouringRain]

I agree with Alpha Dude..... but also I would apologize to her. You did confess that you said some condescending things as well, so I would apologize for the things you may have said which were out of line and then close your mouth and hold your tongue beyond that. It is possible that she may see your apology as an open door to "discuss" things again or to bring things up...... so after the apology then just hold your tongue before things can escalate again. :)

Sorry to hear about all the problems in your marriage. I'll say a prayer for you that everything goes well for you.

[lost---]

Thank you for your response.

Indeed, I accept that I was wrong. I am finding it really hard to even think about going there.

Her 'no wonder you ended up being like you are, having a mother that you have' comment really hurts quite badly.

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[جوري]

:sl:

I think I may have missed something.. all throughout I thought you'd actually gotten a divorce and were reconsidering due to a poor exchange of words.. if you are staying with your wife, then may I suggest all three of you seek a marriage counselor .. I doubt that the matter will be resolved through apologies obviously something has been festering for years and then just burst out of a place that could no longer contain it.. if you desire this marriage and a long term relationship then ignoring the problem isn't as productive as getting to the root of it.. especially when you say your wife is disrespectful .. I think mutual respect between spouses is a key cornerstone to a successful marriage or even any relationship be it your boss or mother in law etc.

and Allah swt knows best

:w:

[PouringRain]

Thank you for your response.

Indeed, I accept that I was wrong. I am finding it really hard to even think about going there.

Her 'no wonder you ended up being like you are, having a mother that you have' comment really hurts quite badly.

From your initial post it sounds like she has said a lot of very hurtful things. This is something you will need to learn to forgive and let go of so that it doesn't continue to cause you grief and to steal your peace and joy in life. We can't control what others do or say, only what we do and say and our attitudes. Dealing with people who are difficult, unhappy, and poisonous is not an easy thing.

I agree with The Vale's Lily about if you and your wife stay together. Unless the problems are resolved then they will continue to leak poison into your marriage and steal your peace and joy. A third party (counselor) is the best way to help, but there are no guarantees. A lot of it will depend on how receptive your wife (and mother in law) are. If you are not staying together, then that is where I agree with what Alpha Dude said.

All the best.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
would you ever accept your wife to speak to/about your mother how you have spoken about your MIL?

why dont you just ignore your mother in law in the matter you dont agree with her in, and speak to your wife about her manners?

[lost---]

My mother inlaw insults are as follows;

1. Their family don’t like me at all and think I am an ass
2. no wonder you turned out like you did when your mother is like so
3. You live like people did 200 years ago.
4. you should have married a Pakistani girl rather then my daughter (the wife is a British born lass with Indian roots; her mother is a ex-hindu, muslim convert but still thinks like shes a hindu at times)
5. you have no friends and have issues keeping relationships
6. She went on to say that she is not the problem and the problem is with me.


She was quite aggressive in her approach; hardly behaving like an elder should.

[lost---]

When you are having issues with your wife the last thing that is needed is for a MIL to come and make things worse!

[Myself]

i understand it must be hard. on the other hand, leave aside your mother in law, if you think your wife is also a trouble maker (apparently she was/is very disrespectful) why would you want to make peace with her? and did you not already call for a divorce?

hopefully things will get better for you inshaallah.

[lost---]

Dispute the chats the wife is rude as ever.. there is no stopping this girl. Truly unhappy.

Planning to move soon... will start looking soon. Hopefully we will take the family away from the inlaws.

[Ali_008]

:sl:
It was totally pointless to get the Mom-in-law involved in this thing. She ought to take her daughter's side. Being a Mother, she'll find some reason to forgive her daughter's mistakes anyhow and you were bound to end up being the villain.

You don't need to worry about it so much as you're not gonna see her everyday like your wife. A simple apology as well won't hurt anyone. You should apologize to her and if she does the same to you for making such statements about your mother then you can consider it as apology accepted and error regretted.

And your wife!! Brother, this is a very common issue these days of abusive family members. There's nothing much you can do about it. In all these times, you have to be patient. At the same time, give Da'wah. I know it gets hard. I've been in your shoes and have lost my cool a lot of times as well. Ultimately, we need to follow the example of the Prophet (SallAllahu Alayhi Wasallam).

[cat eyes]

:sl:mashallah for staying with your wife. not many men would if the wife was ignorant so its good your making a go of it!

I Would really suggest counseling might be good for both of you. and i would ignore her mother, the more you talk back to her, the more she will probably poison her daughters mind against you.

i know it might be difficult to ignore this but i think staying silent is the better option. if her family is thinking bad about you. make duaa for them

always remember to recite your protective duas against the evil eye or black magic because that just might be one of the causes of your wives behaviour and Allah knows best. :wa:

[Trumble]

Anyway, things between the wife and I are better but she still continues to disrespect me, i am still unhappy but she has stepped up her game with respect to taking care of me and the home and I really do appreciate this! I really do!

What do you think?

I think you need to think very carefully about whether you deserve her respect. All I see is an arrogant egomaniac, I'm afraid. 'Stepped up her game to take care of you' ?! ... bah...

You need a complete change of attitude if you want to save the marriage; counselling can only go so far. Sorry to be so blunt.

[Banu_Hashim]

Salaamu 'Alaikum Brother.

You need to show respect and humility in the face of your mother-in-law despite whatever she throws at you. You will be held accountable for what you say and so will she. Also, are you taking care of your wife and attending to her needs? Just a thought. Your mother-in-law's comments show a resentment that has most likely been harbouring for years, perhaps even since your marriage to your wife. I think you need everyone around the table at once and discuss everything like adults (without personal insults) and agree on a way forward.

And Allah (SWT) Knows best. All the Best Bro,

Fee Amaanillah.

[Snowflake]

Trumble, if a wife isn't going to take care of her husband, who is - the neighbour?

To the O.P.

I don't think you need to go out of your way to apologize to your MIL. There is a risk that an apology will result in bringing up past differences which will result in another argument. In future just be polite and don't say more than what is necessary. Whether she is wrong or not, at the end of the day she is older than you and she is your MIL, and for that she deserves your respect. Moving away is a good idea and you will soon find out if things are better that way or not. Make the effort to pray and read the Quran together. Read books or listen to lectures on the muslim marriage. Allah says He rewards those who do good deeds in this duniya and the akhirah, and the prophet (saw) said, the best of amongst you are those who are best to their wives. If you both remain conscious of Allah's and each other's rights, the problems in your marriage will automatically disappear - whether you're with your mother in law or not.

[Trumble]

Trumble, if a wife isn't going to take care of her husband, who is - the neighbour?

Erm, he could get off his backside and take care of himself perhaps? Radical thought I know. Of course, in a good marriage husband and spouse take care of each other, but it seems to me the OP isn't big on reciprocity. My apologies to him if I'm wrong.

[Asiyah3]

^If I may ask are you Chinese/Indian/Korean or did you convert to Buddhism?

[nousername]

Moving away may not be fair to your wife, since she has rights to see her famiy

[CosmicPathos]

Trumble, have you gotten rid of your ego? Every human being is an egomaniac.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salaam folks,

I am new to this forum. I wanted bit of advice... i would appreciate if someone could advise me on my situation.

Recently after a few years of marriage I called for divorce. I had enough of my wife's constant disrespect and lack of due care. It's been building up for a while and even though her family has addressed her several times she continues to be swear and talk to me with disrespect.

She called her mother around at the point i called on divorce. I would like to point out that I did apologies and state divorce is not the solution. Anyway, the mother in-law came around and started talking about irrelevance stuff and was commenting on things which she knew nothing about. I corrected her and also advised her that she was a large problem in our marriage. I was quite frank and showed little regard for her by that stage she was already trying to say divorce is the only option and we were never right for each other. Hardly the case; the mother in-law has taught the wife little and respect is clearly something which is lacking in my wife. The mother in-law saw my points as attacks; my points were harsh but factual. The mother in-law proceeded to insult me and my mother (who was not present in the room) and also made a few comments about my background. In all fairness earlier in the conversation when the mother in-law was saying 'i knew this marriage was cursed from the start, there were no blessing....' blah blah blah i responded by saying something condescending to her; happy to expand if you require. I believe such witchcraft talk has no place in such a issue when husband and wife are experiencing difficulties and such idol worshipping 'cursed' talk is unacceptable - I was clearly annoyed by her pointless input.

Anyway, things between the wife and I are better but she still continues to disrespect me, i am still unhappy but she has stepped up her game with respect to taking care of me and the home and I really do appreciate this! I really do!

The issue is do i apologies to the mother in-law and leave it at that? Do i tackle the points/insults she raised or do I let it be. Personally I can not stand my mother in-law. She has a bad affect on my wife and she ends up repeating things her mother says. Personally I want to be far away from the mother in-law but i think my wife wants me to say sorry for the condescending comments I made and the way i spoke to her.

I understand it is tough to comment on a few lines and there is much more then just the above and i realise i am wrong to speak to an elder like the way I did even if they are talking such rubbish.

What do you think?

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallah khayr for sharing your issue with us. Firstly brother we should realise that Allah has given a lot of honour to the elderly therefore we must respect all elders even if they disrespect us. Rasulallah (Pbuh) was the best of all people and he was the best in character and people treated him the worst and in return he did not take revenge and treat them bad but he actually treated them the best. This is what made people fascinated by him and people reverted to Islam in drones just by watching Rasulallah (Pbuh) and the way he conducted himself.

You should also realise that speaking to people in a harsh and condescending manner will only bring about bitter reactions and defence barriers of the person going up. You should desist from this approach and never use such a manner to anyone particularly your elders.

Good manners and showing respect are great rewards so therefore no matter what your mother in law says to you or how she treats you, you shoudl be patient and treat her with honour and respect and remember that the way you treat your elders then that is how you will be treated when you are an elder. So give her utmost hnour and respect and remember you are doing this for Allah and it is between you and him not you and your mother in law then will you not please Allah and treat her the best?

Also brothr have patience with your wife and when you want her to change something about her then o it in a gentle manner using wisdom and tact because women are from the left rib of Adam (As) which is quite brittle and therefore if you try to bend it too much then it will break so be gentle with her always and by you showing her love and being gentle with her when wanting her to chabge her ways will be much more effective than using harsh words or force. If she does something that you disaprove of then just say to her " I dissaprove of what you have done and need some space from you so think about your actions" and walk off and have space from her for a while so that she realises her error.

Also remember that the best man is he who treats his wife the best so treat your wife the best and also realise that you are not without flaws so lso work on yourself and your patience and go as close to Allah as possible so that Allah brings blessings and peace into your home and your lives.

and Allah knows best in all matters

[cat eyes]

Yeah i honestly would be not able to talk back to an elderly person even if they were jumping down my throat over something. it just dose not suit a young person to talk back either.. and in my experience our elders are more inclined to get hurt quicker.. maybe because of menapause and things like this. ive been in so many situations even dealing with kafir people, they would be angry but i honestly feel to much pity for them to talk back. a good way to control anger is think of one million things why you should not talk back. that really helps me in real life and dealing with complicated situations.