format_quote Originally Posted by
anonymous
Salam aliekum Sister Umm Sufain (I'm original poster).
I agree i need to change my mind set but i don't know how to . it is still a mystery for me.
i think the way to go about this, is to reflect back on whatever it is in life that you feel is your hardship/test. i say hardships becuase due to the pressure they are accompianed with, in some ways they alert us on what needs changing. write them down. whatever it is you think is your hardship, write it out.
from there, write down the manner in which you react to your hardships. think about it carefully. by you reflecting upon your reaction to your hardships, you will realize what you are doing right and wrong...once you can distinguish what it is you are doing wrong, you can change it and one you realize what you are doing right, you can continue it.
be honest with yourself, but dont be hard on yourself. dont blame others, dont make excuses for yourself...dont be bias, becuase without you realizing it, this will affect your "results"
sometimes its also useful to ask people what we are like, and that can also help us to realize our mistakes and the way they need changing.
let me explain more things about this issue:
There is something strange and absurde going with me . i think I enjoy avoiding other peoples and probably find joy in loneliness. why ? i have no Idea.
I had a good opportunity to marry a very fine girl and she was loving me despite my situation , however i did all i can to make her upset and push her away from me.
Each time i encounter a person which Loves me (especially in opposite sex) I strangely begin treating him/her rudely for the purpose to push them away .and i turn back to my Lonely Empty world. why i'm stupidly doing this ? i really don't know. probably i feel scared to disappoint those who love and respect me.. so unconsciousness i try killing the relationship in the cradle before it grows and then i would be forced to fulfill my responsibilities toward these social relationships.
either that, or you are too scared to be emotionally close to people? perhaps you fear that if they know you you will scare them off and/or they may use you in one way or another?
and as you said, you feel that you will disappoint them. brother, please realize that although you will meet people who will strongly differ with some opinions you have of particular things, for the most part, people aren't how you perceive them. you either have people who are close to you and understand and sympathize with you-thus being good people you can turn to and relax with, or you have people who are horrible and spiteful and thus bad people who aren't really worthy of your time and energy. either way you are not loosing.
another reason why you could be reacting the way you do with other people, is your lack of confidence and ability to socialize. it isn't becuase you dislike towards people or that you have an intention to hurt them, you are probably just one of those people who get scared and anxious if a liking is shown/expressed towards you. this scares you, and so you build a barrier around yourself in the form of bad manners as to scare people off and avoid speaking to them. correct? and this "bad manners," tend to stem form your fear of socializing? you hate it, and will do anything to avoid it-especially those people who seem to like you.
it seems that you are one of those people who is more likely to form a friendship with someone, if it is you initiating the like/inclination. if it is otherwise, ie people showing a like towards you, you feel scared and anxious and probably have moments where you "mentally" breakdown and just go blank and very timid.
socializing is good for you and good for people around you becuase it helps us, as human beings, to understand and sympathize with one another-dont cut it from your life...work around your problem.
these social issues can be easily fixed, but you need to take it step by step. dont try to change all at once, but introduce yourself to social situations as long as you feel it is within your scope of self confidence. once you build that confidence, go at a faster pace.
1. why do you fear to be social with people? is it a self esteem issue where you think of yourself as someone lowly not worthy of their company? whatever the reason, strive to reverse it.
2. take practical steps to get you to feel conformable with socializing...
a) small talk. start your conversations small. take them as they come and dont get ahead of yourself. for example: the situation is that you meet someone new at a function
you: :sl: *smile*
them: wa alaykum *smile back*
you: *notice they have a different accent* subhanallah brother where are you from?
them: *mentions where he's from*
you: oh yeah, i traveled there last year, awesome place. i especially liked the hospitality of the locals.
the point is is that you have found common ground with that person, which develops into a level of comfortably with them, and suddenly you will find that they/you invite one another for lunch..
b) "manipulate"/direct the conversation so it is something you are comfortable and familiar with. only talk about things where you know and can be sure where the conversation is going. this is so that you dont feel awkward and anxious if something unexpected comes up. for example you may meet someone who likes photography (if you like that as-well) direct the conversation towards what the best places to take photos is at, the time of day, the type of cmaera to use...use your knowledge too your advantage which it is something you are familiar with and hence will be more confident.
c) befriend people who are more talkative then you. this is because they will be doing most of the talking, and you will mostly do the listening.
d) without eavesdropping, listen to the way people talk and what they talk about. this is so that you can get an idea of how conversations are meant to be. i know it sounds trivial, but a unsocial person forgets these things since they aren't engaging is socializing. you may reach a point where you just dont think certain things should be said and so you choose to remain quite, just simply because you find that kind of talk useless. it may very well ...but all these tend to improve social skills
e) plan your conversation. this sort of is like point d only you aren't directing the conversation towards you, but just generally it gives you a rough idea of how your conversation maybe like so that you dont get awkward and timid.
when you see that you arent "clicking" with someone, dont think that its a failure or that you cant socialize, it just maybe that you aren't on the same wave length as that particular person...once you see that you have something in common with someone, conversation and being social with them, will come very easy, inshallah.
It seems i'm a lazy and irresponsible guy. I don't want to fulfill my social responsibilities! one doctor i saw in the past told me that frankly and rudely..and yet i'm incorrigible!
I'm now reflecting deeply why i'm fleeing my responsibilities . my conclusion is that i'm doing this as a revenge from my parents mistakes . my parents didn't teach us to be responsible children . i'm not exaggerating they have made really big mistakes through our family life
My conclusion is i'm making this whole cinema just as an unconscious revenge from a disappointing and tensioned relationship with parents . I was expecting more from them but they disappointed me deeply.
Now i know you will again tell me that i should not say that of my parents. I said i'm loosing my faith and don't care anymore about anything.. if you really know the details of how miserable life we had as a family i think you would change your mind.
Now i know it doesn't help to blame my parents for my failur ; but i can't control this. as long as i'm in this situation i'll always blame them.
I want some hand to pull me out of this misery. yet Nothing ! its too late now ..i had many occasions in past and i let them go..Now i have to pay the price..and I'm paying it beautifully!
do you know what else it could be? you overally thinking. dont leave yourself alone with your brain for too long
your parents...you are using this as an excuse. perhaps they have wronged you, but what are YOU doing to make things better for yourself. how people treat you and how you react to them, are completely two different things.
realize that when you make excuses for yourself (at the same time avoid the other extreme of being too hard on yourself), the real problems tend to go unnoticed and you dont give yourself a chance to fix them. they get buried under the mask of "its only becuase..." or "he/she is the one who made me do that..." etc etc. try to push these out of the way, so that you give yourself a change to change for real.
give your parents a break. you dont have to agree with what they do, but always in your heart forgive them. with anyone else i probably would have advised you to ignore them, but these are your parents...think of all the times they have sacrificed their days and nights for you.