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anonymous
06-02-2010, 06:11 PM
This might be kind of long and I'm sorry, but I have nowhere else to go. I really need to just talk and get some advice. I've been trying to be a good muslim, but I have failed. I've been reading the text. I've been posting on this site off and on for sometime. I've tried my best but I've failed everywhere. I've failed in my faith, I've failed in my relationships, and I don't think I can fix anything. I've been with my fiancee since 2007. About a year later I found Islam. Well actually I've always known Islam. I just have never tried to take the proper steps until a couple of years ago. I had every intention on us getting married, but each time we set a date something happens to stop it. She lost her job, I put myself in debt trying to keep a roof over our heads. Then she got pregnant with our first child. She has two from a previous marriage. So I'm really messing up with my faith at the time.

I've never really got along with her family. Mainly her mom. It's just we come from two different backgrounds. My family is very conservative, and we don't really share our feelings. Her family is the exact opposite. They are very close, where mine are not. For the most part I go to all of their family functions except their yearly camping trip. I just don't like to camp. I'm a very clean person so the thought of not taking a daily shower bothers me. Other than that I make it to most of their functions if I'm not working or just not wanting to go which is rare. They have birthday parties for all of their kids which range from 1-17. So I'm there sometimes every other weekend or so. I skipped a few events at the beginning, and they made the comment that I didn't like them. Which wasn't true. I'm just not a social person. I get worn out when I'm around alot of people. I'm a classic introvert. So earlier in the year I got into a huge fight with her mom which has seriously hurt our relationship. I forbid my fiancee's oldest from staying the night on their christmas get together. I only did since at the time he was lying to us, and he skipped school when he was grounded. I thought that by taking that away from him he'd learn his lesson. The boy is only 8 so I thought skipping school at 8 was a definite problem that needed to be taken care of now. Since then I haven't tried to go to family get togethers as much. I've only been to one. Then for the last month her oldest was lying to us again, getting mouthy, stole from us, and finally not doing what we told him to do. So we grounded him. Then he was grounded, and was mouthing off to his mom when I wasn't there. I told him if he screws up again he won't be going to their get together last Sunday. Well Sunday morning came around and he was playing when he wasn't supposed to be. I got him, and so did she after I got on him. So we both said he couldn't go. I stayed home since I was on-call anyways, and well it's her family. They got mad about it, and they just made the excuse that he's being a boy and all of what he's done is normal. While I agree a certain amount of misbehavior will occur, but not to his extent.

Sunday night we got in a huge argument over her family. I got very upset, and told her to leave, but I wanted to keep my son. She wouldn't let me so I tried to grab him from her, and she pulled away. I grabbed her arms and pushed her back so she would let go. I took him away, and she jumped up to grab him from me. I put my right arm out and pushed her a bit. It was more of an arm for her to keep her distance. I didn't try to hurt her, nor would I. I feel horrible about it. I should have never put my hands on her. I wish I had just went outside or just went to bed. I should have, but I didn't.

Her mom and her came by Monday and we talked a bit. They both seem to think I'm wrong for having a stronger bond with my son compared to her son's. It's not that I love him more, I don't. I love the three of them the same. I just have a stronger bond with my son. And her mom thinks I'm too hard on the oldest. I am hard on him, I'll admit it. I don't hit him except spanking, but that's rare these days. And I never left marks. I'm just hard on him, because I want him to be a responsible person growing up. He had several behavioral issues when I first came around. He would throw himself on the ground, crying , and yelling at his mom. He would bite her, hit her, and kick her. He even swore at her. This was all due to her ex-husband being a very bad person. He doesn't do that stuff anymore though. So we've made progress so far. He's a smart kid, and he does well in school. I just want to keep him going down the right path. So I am hard on him since no one else was before me. His father would smack him around, and his mother was too lenient. And her family just didn't do anything about anything.

And one thing that upset me was I found out that she has been telling her family everything I've said about them. I've never said anything to my family about what she has said about them. I just didn't think it was the right thing to do.

I tried talking to her about us getting counseling, and I don't know. Yesterday she seemed like she thought it was a good idea, but then this morning she thought it would be pointless. I don't know if I can fix this.
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Ummu Sufyaan
06-03-2010, 09:37 AM
:sl:
You are only a failure if you let life pass you by without doing anything about the state you are in. You haven’t died yet, so there is still hope and time. What efforts are you putting in to make some sort of change in your life?

What is wrong with your iman? Why are you failing in that regard? Again, what efforts are you making to make it better? Once we start making an effort in our lives, we realize that we aren’t failing, but rather some things just need fixing here and there.

Are you married to the woman? I’m sorry, it’s not clear. If not, do something about this... Consult an imam for starters.

It sounds like you are having trouble with certain things your wife’s family do and it’s just being expressed in the wrong way.

Do you want my honesty?
You need to be willing to understand her family. You have married a revert...just because they have reverted, it does not mean they leave everything from their past life behind. This is because they have been raised differently and have done things differently from a non-revert Muslim. Sometimes these things still remain a part of them, even after they convert. This is the revert themselves, so what about their non-Muslim family? Do you think that they are going to understand how we choose to raise and run our families when this isn’t the way they have been taught and/or it is something they are not used to? In the west, things are done completely different and family life is different so you need to clarify issues. You need to (as I said) understand her family first, this is so that you can see where conflict is bound to crop up, and try to avoid it. I think with non-Muslim people, they tend to not get involved in their kids’/grandkids’ life like we do so again clarify the matter. Take the good about how they raise their kids and work around the bad. Speak up when and where you need to...dont force your views on people.
Explain to her family/get her to explain to her family that you aren’t a social person and anything else you have issues with the way they do things so that they can understand you better and maybe things will start changing.

I think there is a misunderstanding on both ends and i seriously think it is being blown out of proportion on both sides. It really doesn’t need to reach the point of telling your wife to get out. It’s understandable if you are angry, but that’s was just far.

On the side here, avoid getting your child stuck in the middle of your arguments and try to reach a compromise and sort things out before it reaches this point, otherwise it will stress both parents out and even more so the child.

Your wife isn’t right to go back to relate whatever you said about family to them, so whatever issues you have with her, whether it is regarding this issue or otherwise, again speak to her.

About her oldest. I can’t help but feel that you are sort of pushing your role as a new parent, husband, son-in law onto everyone without being conscious on the consequences. Im not saying what they are doing is right, but at the same time, you need to relax a little bit. Parenting isn’t only about authority; it is about understanding the child as well.

This isn’t your child, so things are going to be done slightly different and you will have to treat/raise him slightly different at first to your own kids. First, you need to get to know him, once this happens this will forge a sort of friendship. Once you have the friendship, he will grow to love and respect you...then this is when he is more likely to listen to you. If he loves and respects you, he will feel bad for “betraying” you. See how that friendship has affected him when you have told him off? In such a case he doesn’t want to anger you and so there is a reason for him to seek your acceptance and forgiveness.

From his point of view, it doesn’t make sense for him as a child, and it isn’t easy for him to take in that someone other than his real parents are going to raise him and have authority over him, he needs time to adjust and get used to it. So be careful and be wise about how you choose to use your authority over him
Of course, you can also talk to his mother to talk to him, since she is someone more familiar to him. Another thing, perhaps he is acting up because he misses his biological father?

I can’t help but feel that is something else is buried underneath and keeps resurfacing in the wrong way. Perhaps this particular issue is what is really causing everything and everyone to be upset with one another? I think it is more than her family and your child etc...i don’t mean to probe, but perhaps there is something deeper there that isn’t getting resolved.

What is the relationship between you and your wife like? Forget everything else, what are you two like? You don’t have to answer but just contemplate and see if there is other areas you need fixing up in your marriage and relationship with your wife. Other than the issues you mentioned in your first post, Do you generally get along with your wife? Do you spend time together? How much time and how do you spend it. Are you both putting in sufficient effort to maintain a healthy marriage? Do you harbor ill feelings towards one another without speaking or doing anything about it?
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