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anonymous
06-03-2010, 04:32 AM
Salam everyone

I need some advice about some friendship problems that I am going through now..

I have a very close circle of friends of nine girls (we've known each other for 7 years now!). They're not all practising, but alhamdullilah, they are very respectful, kind, considerate friends. Recently, we all found out that one of our friends (who is part of the group) has a boyfriend and has kept it secret for 3 months.. We just found out last week.

We're all so shocked, and we can't believe it - I've always told them that boyfriends are haram etc. and they know.. However, what the rest of the girls in the group are saying is that what hurts the most is that the girl with the boyfriend lied to the rest of us about where she's going, what she's doing and sometimes left us to go see him.. (and that they don't mind her having a bf)
I made it clear that for me, the bigger part that hurts me is to see one of my very close friends committing sin.

I spoke to the girl today, and I don't know where our friendship stands. I know the rest of the girls in the group do not want to remain close friends with her, but rather just a classmate. Thats how I felt first, now Im not so sure..

Alhamdullilah, Im practising, and I always try and help get my friends more into Islam (not forcing or continuously preaching though!) The thing is the girls with the bf had one a year ago (and the exact same thing happened with us finding out and her saying sorry)

She's so regretful for keeping everything quiet and knows shes lost her friends through not telling us about this and through the lies..

I don't know what to do, I told her, before being scared of telling me, were you not scared of committing sin infront of Allah, how will you answer Him.

When I met her today, she was in tears, apologizing for everything, but she still (well thats how I understand it) wants to contiue her relationship with her bf, but wants our friendship to remain strong still. She used to be much closer to me, and she has gone through alot of family problems where I've been there to help, which is why she has nearly given up on the rest but is still trying to regain her friendship with me..

I had so much hope for this girl - I prayed to Allah to guide us all, esp. her on the straight path etc.. I don't know what to so anymore :(

What do I do? Bearing in mind that she won't stop seeing her bf even if our friendship remains, and the saying of the Prophet (SAW) about choosing good friends..

Thank you in advance for you help.
Your sister in Islam
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Iam#1
06-04-2010, 07:58 AM
hey
when you love or like someone you are surly going to have problems with him or her whyy??? because you care for them and you care to tell them that they are doing something wrong just to correct them and all this because you care for them
the thing about that she lied to you people just forgive and forget and never repeat that in fornt of her as u mentioned that she's been thorugh family problems etc and you have supported her
can you think whyyyy is she getting involed in a guy ???? because he is taking care of her or giving her attention which she didn't get during her family problems or whatever and guys do show care and attention
so what you can and your friends can do is to forgive and forget come on ALLAH ALMIGHTY is great and even HE forgives who are you people who cannot forgive what if for one of your lies you are not forgiven . think about it ask all your friends to forgive her
and start giving her extra attention and care talk to her and make her feel special so that the one guy she thinks makes her feel special is nothing in front of you all give her attention make the the center of everything you people go out make her the first one to choose where to go and what to do you people thorugh up party make her the first one to know it all of you talk to her privatly and share a small secret even though the whole gruop knows it but show it to her that she is special surely 1 guy is going to loose don't tell her to leave him she will leave him herself when she sees she has all from you guys and very less from him
all that sparkles isn't gold but give her time to know what is real gold and what is just a sparkle
forgive her and please give her the extra care and attention she needs pleasee she needs that and the guy is giving it to her by talking about her hair and blah blah just be good friends and help her out and tell her that its ok if she has a bf but ask her not to trust him so that she will have it in her mind and sooner or later INSHALLAH she will find the right path with the help of you people
PROPHET (SAW) did say that choose good friends but dear you've already choosen a good friend now she needs help she is on a wrong path according to you so as a friend now is the time to guide her remmber you have already choosen a good friend
take care
may ALLAH ALMIGHTY bless everyone and you all remain good friends forever and you are a good friend MASHALLAH
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Alpha Dude
06-04-2010, 08:08 AM
Great advice. Your friends are being nothing but drama queens. What's done is done. She doesn't need to tell you guys. In fact, exposing one's sins is haraam, so she's done nothing wrong in that respect.

Does she even plan on getting married? Advise her to think of the marriage option if she isn't considering it. Nobody wants her to be in a haram relationship, but it's very hard to see clearly when they're in love. So keep advising her toward good and don't feel like you've been hard done by.

Give all your silly friends who feel upset a slap while you're at it. <_<
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anonymous
06-04-2010, 08:27 AM
Thank you sooo much for your replies. Jazakumullah Khairan, may Allah reward you.

I have taken your advice. We are all going to seperated this year, as we're all off to different Uni's. I'm just a bit worried that we won't give her that much more attention she needs and she will stay with her bf for a very long time? What do you think? Shall I still try my best, but advise her every now and then about her bf?

Initially, I thought I should take a walk with her, to get us talking again like we used to, and then I'd talk to her about why she has a bf, and thats its clearly haram so it would be best if she leaves him for the sake of Allah?

But now, I think I shouldn't do that?

Jazakumullahukhairan
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anonymous
06-04-2010, 08:29 AM
She is not considering marriage at all - I know that for sure...
She just wants a relationship with the boy..
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Alpha Dude
06-04-2010, 08:52 AM
Initially, I thought I should take a walk with her, to get us talking again like we used to, and then I'd talk to her about why she has a bf, and thats its clearly haram so it would be best if she leaves him for the sake of Allah?

But now, I think I shouldn't do that?
I don't see why not. Make dua for her guidance and be frank with her whenever you see her. Talk to her, don't preach. Nobody is likely to take the advice of people who preach and act all in your face. Use tact, show concern and make her feel guilty every time you see her.
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anonymous
06-04-2010, 09:52 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
I don't see why not. Make dua for her guidance and be frank with her whenever you see her. Talk to her, don't preach. Nobody is likely to take the advice of people who preach and act all in your face. Use tact, show concern and make her feel guilty every time you see her.
Jazak Allahu khairan for your reply..

I will do so - she's just advertised her relationship on fb, by changing her relationship status to 'ina relationship with ____ '

What do I do?! This is getting worse! She probably did that so no one comes to her/ sees her and questions her about him? (If she hasn't told them about him or if they seem them together..)
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Alpha Dude
06-04-2010, 10:10 AM
The thing is the girls with the bf had one a year ago (and the exact same thing happened with us finding out and her saying sorry)
You mean this same girl had a bf a year ago and now she has another?

Does she pray salah? If not, she has a bigger problem on her hand and this bf thing is just a symptom of a larger iman related problem.

Perhaps send her this link. InshaAllah it'll help. Send it to all your friends via email and include the names in the send to box so she doesn't feel you're aiming it at her specifically.
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Masuma
06-04-2010, 10:37 AM
Asalamu Alikum Wa Rehmatullahi Wa Barakatuh!

Having a gf, bf relationship is totally haram in Islam. I think you should give her small lectures about it. Try to be polite and strong in your argument. Share with her texts describing Allah's power and majesty. Maybe then fear of Allah would stop her from doing that. InshAllah Allah will guide her. If she doesn't stop, then tell her parents. I know this would sound bad and she would call you many6 things, like "your so cruel" or "how could you do it to me, your friend", but believe me, if you really love your friend, try to save her "akhirah". (the next life)

Further more, I think my brother Hamza81 would give a better reply. I can request him to. Don't worry. K?
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Masuma
06-04-2010, 10:46 AM
Sis, I've requested my brother Hamza81. InshAllah he would soon reply.
Don't worry, you'll soon get a best advice ever! :)
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anonymous
06-04-2010, 03:32 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
You mean this same girl had a bf a year ago and now she has another?

Does she pray salah? If not, she has a bigger problem on her hand and this bf thing is just a symptom of a larger iman related problem.

Perhaps send her this link. InshaAllah it'll help. Send it to all your friends via email and include the names in the send to box so she doesn't feel you're aiming it at her specifically.
Yes, unfortunately its her..
And no, she doesn't pray - most of the girls in our group don't pray 5 times, some pray 3 times a day, some pray 5 times but 2/3 of the prayers are prayed late and the rest none..

MashAllah, the link is excellent, I will forward it them InshAllah..

The only difference between this girl and most of the rest of the group is that she has a bf - other than that, iman, prayer, etc, with them is the same, eg. even if they wear scarves outside, in weddings/parties/pic on fb, they're not wearing scarf etc..

The girl with the bf, she's really close to her youngest uncle, and when he found that he told her off and kept going on and on, telling her to stop, but then realised that he was just getting her to hate him so stopped trying..

Im going to a different Uni to all of them, and won't see them that often - but I'm not sure whether to keep close to them or stay away? And what to do/say to the girl with the bf?


format_quote Originally Posted by An33za
Asalamu Alikum Wa Rehmatullahi Wa Barakatuh!

Having a gf, bf relationship is totally haram in Islam. I think you should give her small lectures about it. Try to be polite and strong in your argument. Share with her texts describing Allah's power and majesty. Maybe then fear of Allah would stop her from doing that. InshAllah Allah will guide her. If she doesn't stop, then tell her parents. I know this would sound bad and she would call you many6 things, like "your so cruel" or "how could you do it to me, your friend", but believe me, if you really love your friend, try to save her "akhirah". (the next life)

Further more, I think my brother Hamza81 would give a better reply. I can request him to. Don't worry. K?
Jazak Allahukhairan for your reply, and the request..
I have spoken to her (and the rest) every now anad then about Islam and keeping on the staight path etc.. When I found out about the girl having a bf, she texted me and said she didnt tell me because she was scared. I texted her back then telling her that before being scared of me, were you not scared of Allah, of answering Him on the Day of Judgement, of committing sin in front of Him -

She read it, didn't know what to text back though. I asked why do you even have a bf, she just chuckled and said yh, but I don't interact with him or anything!! She knows its haram, but she can't stop herself (thats what she said about listening to music anyway)

Its all confusing and long, I know

Thank you all for being so patient and advising me.. May Allah reward you all..
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Alpha Dude
06-04-2010, 03:51 PM
In that case sister, concentrate more on getting her to forge a relationship with Allah. If she doesn't pray in the first place then she's not going to listen to you in regards to this. No matter what you say about boyfriends being haram, she'll most likely ignore.

If she's going to persist with the relationship, tell her that she should at least strive to make it halal. I.e. via marriage. Keep suggesting marriage to her. What's the point of having boyfriends. Tell her she should have more self worth and not pass herself around the first guy that gives her attention.
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aadil77
06-04-2010, 03:57 PM
you should tell this friend of yours to have some modesty and stop acting like a slu t, tell her sooner or later her boyfriend will use her and dump her like some crap
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Alpha Dude
06-04-2010, 04:05 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by aadil77
you should tell this friend of yours to have some modesty and stop acting like a slu t, tell her sooner or later her boyfriend will use her and dump her like some crap
Sounds abrasive but this is good advice. Tell her that these guys are only playing with her. They are using her and when they're bored, they'll move on to the next and treat her like crap. InshaAllah she will see sense.
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cat eyes
06-05-2010, 01:28 PM
the guy will dump her and find somebody else and only she will find out for herself it don't matter what others tell her she will never listen


guys just want to have some fun for a couple of months then they eventually get bored and find another naive girl to fool around with sure hey hes probably even with other girls at same time


Btw is it really healthy for your iman to be hanging around with girl like that? friends are meant to be of some benefit for you.. but i know in my experience they really do influence you in a huge way but you might not realise it.
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Hamza Asadullah
06-05-2010, 11:15 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
Salam everyone

I need some advice about some friendship problems that I am going through now..

I have a very close circle of friends of nine girls (we've known each other for 7 years now!). They're not all practising, but alhamdullilah, they are very respectful, kind, considerate friends. Recently, we all found out that one of our friends (who is part of the group) has a boyfriend and has kept it secret for 3 months.. We just found out last week.

We're all so shocked, and we can't believe it - I've always told them that boyfriends are haram etc. and they know.. However, what the rest of the girls in the group are saying is that what hurts the most is that the girl with the boyfriend lied to the rest of us about where she's going, what she's doing and sometimes left us to go see him.. (and that they don't mind her having a bf)
I made it clear that for me, the bigger part that hurts me is to see one of my very close friends committing sin.

I spoke to the girl today, and I don't know where our friendship stands. I know the rest of the girls in the group do not want to remain close friends with her, but rather just a classmate. Thats how I felt first, now Im not so sure..

Alhamdullilah, Im practising, and I always try and help get my friends more into Islam (not forcing or continuously preaching though!) The thing is the girls with the bf had one a year ago (and the exact same thing happened with us finding out and her saying sorry)

She's so regretful for keeping everything quiet and knows shes lost her friends through not telling us about this and through the lies..

I don't know what to do, I told her, before being scared of telling me, were you not scared of committing sin infront of Allah, how will you answer Him.

When I met her today, she was in tears, apologizing for everything, but she still (well thats how I understand it) wants to contiue her relationship with her bf, but wants our friendship to remain strong still. She used to be much closer to me, and she has gone through alot of family problems where I've been there to help, which is why she has nearly given up on the rest but is still trying to regain her friendship with me..

I had so much hope for this girl - I prayed to Allah to guide us all, esp. her on the straight path etc.. I don't know what to so anymore :(

What do I do? Bearing in mind that she won't stop seeing her bf even if our friendship remains, and the saying of the Prophet (SAW) about choosing good friends..

Thank you in advance for you help.
Your sister in Islam

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallah khayr for sharing your issue with us sister as it shows you have concern for your imaan and your friend.

My sister we should realise that these relationships are the cause of the anger and wrath of Allah and never last and are also the cause of immense pain and anguish and can leave a person scarred for a very long time.

You must make her aware that she must fear Allah and what were to happen if Allah were to take her and death was to arrive whilst she was in this state. Remind her but not all the time only here and there for iof we be too frequant then it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

One of the most important things we must do, which sadly many people neglect, is that we should avoid bad company. People we should avoid taking as friends those who speak too freely, who miss Salah, who do not dress modestly, who backbite, slander etc.

The company of such people is poison; just even sitting and talking with them will lead one to commit sins. Just as a person who sits for a long time with a perfume seller begins to smell nice, and a person who sits by a gutter cleaner begins to smell awful, similarly a person who spends time in the company of the wicked eventually gets affected badly by them.

We also have to realise sister that all we can do is inform our families, friends and those who we are wanting to enjoin good upon and forbid from evil, the best we can, be a good example to them and make dua to Allah that he guide them towards the right path and away from the path that may cause their destruction.

You must continue to show your disaprovement of what your friend is doing and you must also stop hanging out with her on a frequant basis. Whether we like it or not bad company or our friends who indulge in sin will influence us gradually. We are who our friends are therefor we must not keep friends who indulge in grave sins lest their bad influence rubs off on us.

You can see her now and again for the purpose of inviting her towards good and forbidding her from evil and everytime you do see her then you must remind her of the great sin she is doing and remind her of death and the hereafter and that these relationships will never get her anywhere but give her pain. Make her aware of why you are moving away from her so that she realises how much you dissaprove of it. Make her realsie that what she is doing is a grave sin and one not to be taken lightly.

You should also e mail and text her Islamic reminders once a week particularly on death and the hereafter and always make dua that Allah saves her from destruction and makes her realise of her wrong doing.
Sister i would advise you sister to join sisters circles, halaqas and sisters programmes as these are beneficial gatherings where you can learn knowledge and mix with and find good and pious sisters who you can befriend and a good friend will help you towards Jannah and encourage you in doing good deeds which will please Allah and the bad friend will have the opposite effect.

We should try to spend as much time as possible with pious, righteous and learned people and keep away from keeping bad friends and those who are loose in their talk and have a bad influence towards you. These people are not your real friends trust me.

The Prophet (saws) said, “The case of the good companion and the bad companion is like that of the seller of musk and the blower of the bellows (iron-smith). As for the seller of musk, he will either give you some of the musk, or you will purchase some from him, or at least you will come away having experienced its good smell. Whereas the blower of the bellows will either burn your clothing, or at least you will come away having experienced its repugnant smell.” [Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim]

Remember: “All friends will be enemies of one another on that Day (Day of Judgment) except those of the virtuous.” (al-Qur’an 43:67)

Therefore let us go towards righteous company and leave company that will not benefit us in this world or the next for bad company will be out enemies in the hereafter.
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Masuma
06-06-2010, 02:26 PM
^ told you! :)
And sis, if none of the above works then try my advice too. Simply tell her parents about the bf and they would know how to take care of the situation. The source of this 'beneficial' advice is actully an urdu joke.

''piyar, mohabbat aur dosti, ye aisay rhishtay hain jinhain dunya ki koi taqat bhula dainay par majboor nai kar sakti siwai aik cheiz k aur wo hai...
''abbay di jutti'' ! :D

aaahahahaa! lol
i hope no one understands it. :D

Hail to ''abba's jutti''! When nothing else works, this would surely set people on the right track! lol

Peace :D
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Rhubarb Tart
06-06-2010, 02:48 PM
I think that would make it worse. And who knows what her parents are like? I think she just continue reminding her friend.

Telling parents may put her friend in a situation that would hurt her further. E.g. force marriage or maybe violence. It really depends on whether she knows the parents well and knows they will do the right thing. If the parents are type of parents that would force their daughter to marriage, I wouldn’t be so quick to tell them. :heated:
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Rhubarb Tart
06-06-2010, 02:49 PM
Or even advise the sister to marry him.
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dew of paradise
06-06-2010, 04:09 PM
My personal experience says in all our life we try to make happy a person who loves us or we do,we should do that m not objecting but if we were gona try to make happy ALLAH & his Prophet pbuh we will be successful!on the judgment day everybody will be asking for forgiveness.even propet JESUS PBUH will be sayin to Allah i dont ask anything for my mother,propher ibrahim pbuh will be sayin to Allah i dont ask anything for my father,All the prophets will be sayin to Allah we dont ask anything for our ummah,but our most beloved Prophet will be asking to Allah forgive my ummah!its a shame for us we ruin our lives for who we love!is it not a shame for us to try to make Allah & his Prophet pbuh happy?we should feel shame that myself 1st and we dont know how we are gona show our faces to Allah & his Prophet pbuh???!!!
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aminahjaan
06-07-2010, 06:07 AM
I am or actually was in the same situation, my best friend has a boyfriend and it's really weird. I hate seeing her with him, WHILE in hijab. So you know what I'm doing? I am running, running as far away as I can from her. My friend always said "Boo hoo, my life sucks, my parents are this, my life is like that, the whole world is against me, boo hoo." It's code for "I'm weak, and insecure, and I want attention sooo badlyyyyyyyy." She's crazy, let her be crazy. If she feels bad but doesn't wanna stop the relationship? Guess what: It means she actually doesn't feel bad and will continue the relationship because she is taking HIM over Islam, and of course, her "friends" which would be you. Please stop seeing her, she's not classy enough to be around you.
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anonymous
06-30-2010, 07:09 PM
(Original Poster)
Asalamualaikum

Jazakum Allahkhairan for all your advice. Thank you all so much for your replies.
It really has helped me. I'm really sorry about replying late, I haven't seen my 'friend' for three weeks, I've had exams, and so I wasn't in touch. She texted asking me to forgive her (for her lying etc.) and stuff, but I didn't text back.

Her parents know, but can't stop her. So thats just really upsetting to see!

I think I'm just going to stay away from her. She wants to continue the relationship. I don't want to have to do anything with it or her, best stay on the straight path, right? She knows I don't like the fact that she's got a bf, but she's still with him.

I was going to talk with her, but now I'm thinking maybe not.. What's the point? Shes not going to stop.. Do you think Im making the right decision? Or should I meet up with her, and see what she has to say when I tell her its haram, and I want her to stay on the right path, and this isn't going to help her?

Wasalam
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
06-30-2010, 07:27 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by An33za

''piyar, mohabbat aur dosti, ye aisay rhishtay hain jinhain dunya ki koi taqat bhula dainay par majboor nai kar sakti siwai aik cheiz k aur wo hai...
''abbay di jutti'' ! :D

aaahahahaa! lol
i hope no one understands it. :D

Hail to ''abba's jutti''! When nothing else works, this would surely set people on the right track! lol

Peace :D
lol ha you geeky joker lol

But trust some parents arent able to deal with such situations soo good man, this can make an invidividual worser like become more rebellious n aggresive towards there parents, the parents should be understanding, as we are all Humans and we have ALL been through such a time in our dear lives! So theres a way to speak, as some parents are un-aware or dont have no Islamic Principles they become aggresive towards the child and beat em , i dont believe all children learn that way so yeah but then just my opinion and all feel free to disagree but its still my Onion :D
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Hamza Asadullah
06-30-2010, 07:35 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
(Original Poster)
Asalamualaikum

Jazakum Allahkhairan for all your advice. Thank you all so much for your replies.
It really has helped me. I'm really sorry about replying late, I haven't seen my 'friend' for three weeks, I've had exams, and so I wasn't in touch. She texted asking me to forgive her (for her lying etc.) and stuff, but I didn't text back.

Her parents know, but can't stop her. So thats just really upsetting to see!

I think I'm just going to stay away from her. She wants to continue the relationship. I don't want to have to do anything with it or her, best stay on the straight path, right? She knows I don't like the fact that she's got a bf, but she's still with him.

I was going to talk with her, but now I'm thinking maybe not.. What's the point? Shes not going to stop.. Do you think Im making the right decision? Or should I meet up with her, and see what she has to say when I tell her its haram, and I want her to stay on the right path, and this isn't going to help her?

Wasalam
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister you should continue to show your disaproval of what she is doing and that means not being the same with her like you were when you were her friend. You should now and again using wisdom and tact continue to tell her how wrong her actions are and try to instill the fear of Allah in her heart. You should also make her aware the reason why you are wanting to keep away from her and that you do not wish to associate yourself with those who do haraam.

She does not have any shame that even her parents know and she still continues to be with him. She will get very hurt one day and you should make her realise that there is no blessings in what she is doing and that she will get very hurt then who will she turn to? Remind her is she not ashamed to be having a haraam relationship knowing that Allah, her parents and friends are angry at her?

You are doing the right thing sister because she cannot get support for what she is doing for is she wants to continue with her relationship then she must do it alone and also pay the consequances alone because she can't expect everyone else to pick up the pieces when things go wrong which they will do.

Continue to give her dawah every so often and make much dua for Allah that Allah makes her realise that she must get out of this haraam relationship immediatley. Whatever happens guidance is in the hand of Allah and only she can get herself out of this so make the best of your own life and get as close to Allah as you can and make dua for ehr and give her dawah now and again for that is all you can do.

and Allah knows best on all matters
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
06-30-2010, 07:36 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
(Original Poster)
Asalamualaikum

Jazakum Allahkhairan for all your advice. Thank you all so much for your replies.
It really has helped me. I'm really sorry about replying late, I haven't seen my 'friend' for three weeks, I've had exams, and so I wasn't in touch. She texted asking me to forgive her (for her lying etc.) and stuff, but I didn't text back.

Her parents know, but can't stop her. So thats just really upsetting to see!

I think I'm just going to stay away from her. She wants to continue the relationship. I don't want to have to do anything with it or her, best stay on the straight path, right? She knows I don't like the fact that she's got a bf, but she's still with him.

I was going to talk with her, but now I'm thinking maybe not.. What's the point? Shes not going to stop.. Do you think Im making the right decision? Or should I meet up with her, and see what she has to say when I tell her its haram, and I want her to stay on the right path, and this isn't going to help her?

Wasalam
Aslaamu Alaaykum


As long as you have told her it is Haraam then you have done part of your job but do pray for her as she is following her desires clearly and know that her following them desires wont get her no benefit so still keep her in your Duas and that May Allaah subhanu Wa tala guides her!

For if she had known she would have stopped SubhaanAllaah and feared Allaah

If you are still able to talk with her tell her that that Allaah is watching you and that there shall be a day for where you will be questioned and you will be on your own with nobody to help you but your deeds infront of the Allmighty standing with shame, tell her to remind herself as death can approach the soul when Allaah wills!

And May Allaah have mercy on her and guide her to the true path, Ameen

And forgive me ive said anything wrong or bad

Wa Alaaykum Salaam
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Ummu Sufyaan
07-01-2010, 06:37 AM
:sl:
Her parents know, but can't stop her. So thats just really upsetting to see!
why cant her parents stop her? this is odd as they are the ones in authority here.

I think I'm just going to stay away from her. She wants to continue the relationship. I don't want to have to do anything with it or her, best stay on the straight path, right? She knows I don't like the fact that she's got a bf, but she's still with him.
i think if you can use your friendship with her to your advantage and be clever about it, then you can stop her from committing this evil. how about something along the lines of putting a condition that she can see and talk to you if only she has left the guy. of course this could backfire as well, so you have to be clever about the way you go about it.

have you tried talking to her on a personal level and telling her how much you are concerned about her, rather then just preach?
Reply

anonymous
07-01-2010, 10:47 PM
Salam everyone,

So, I met up with her today, and it was so sad. She was so upset, she knew that she had lost all the friends in our circle of friends. To be honest, I have missed her, because this is someone who I have been friends with for 7 years, and have helped her out more than anyone with everything, family problems, friendship problems etc.

I was clear with her, and told her how it really hurt to see a friend do something wrong and they know it. She told me this was something serious and that the guy also wanted to stop sinning but they weren't ready for marriage. She also said her mum knew, but hasn't said anything directly to her. Thats when I told her she's got two options, either stop seeing each other until marriage (she said that was harsh) or get engaged (which I think is highly unlikely to happen right now).

Im so confused. Part of me tells me to stay friends, not to abadon her, to stick with her, and to continue making duaa that Allah guides her, just feel like I shouldn't leave her, but the other part of me tells me that no, leave her, and its for the best. I don't want a bad name to be seen with someone whos goes out with a boy either. I don't know what to do.

She kept saying to me that I was a really good friend to her, and that she's so sorry for everything she's put me through. She talks to me normally now, like everythings ok, she knows I'm still against her having a bf. I told her how it was really upsetting, and that I had so much hope for her to stay on the right path, (all her sisters went down the wrong path), and I should add her dad left her mum too.

At the end of the day, I told her I couldn't force her, it was her life, she's going to answer back to Allah and it hurts to know that she's sinning.

Thank you all very much for reading this, and please advise me, now that I have told her how I feel. Should I ask her whether she would be prepared to leave the guy for Allah?

May Allah reward you for all your advice and help and grant you the highest of Jannat.
Jazkum Allah Khairan
Wasalam
Reply

Hamza Asadullah
07-02-2010, 07:09 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
Salam everyone,

So, I met up with her today, and it was so sad. She was so upset, she knew that she had lost all the friends in our circle of friends. To be honest, I have missed her, because this is someone who I have been friends with for 7 years, and have helped her out more than anyone with everything, family problems, friendship problems etc.

I was clear with her, and told her how it really hurt to see a friend do something wrong and they know it. She told me this was something serious and that the guy also wanted to stop sinning but they weren't ready for marriage. She also said her mum knew, but hasn't said anything directly to her. Thats when I told her she's got two options, either stop seeing each other until marriage (she said that was harsh) or get engaged (which I think is highly unlikely to happen right now).

Im so confused. Part of me tells me to stay friends, not to abadon her, to stick with her, and to continue making duaa that Allah guides her, just feel like I shouldn't leave her, but the other part of me tells me that no, leave her, and its for the best. I don't want a bad name to be seen with someone whos goes out with a boy either. I don't know what to do.

She kept saying to me that I was a really good friend to her, and that she's so sorry for everything she's put me through. She talks to me normally now, like everythings ok, she knows I'm still against her having a bf. I told her how it was really upsetting, and that I had so much hope for her to stay on the right path, (all her sisters went down the wrong path), and I should add her dad left her mum too.

At the end of the day, I told her I couldn't force her, it was her life, she's going to answer back to Allah and it hurts to know that she's sinning.

Thank you all very much for reading this, and please advise me, now that I have told her how I feel. Should I ask her whether she would be prepared to leave the guy for Allah?

May Allah reward you for all your advice and help and grant you the highest of Jannat.
Jazkum Allah Khairan
Wasalam
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister she has caused this to herself. She decided to go against her friends, family and Allah all for having a haraam relationship with a guy. It is her who has made this decision and she has to pay the consequances for making that decision. She cannot expect everyone to be the same towards her when she is doing what she is doing. Therefore you must keep a distance from her but at the same time talk to her now and again giving her dawah towards the straight path and also send her fortnightly Islamic texts and e mails trying to instill the fear of Allah inside of her heart. You keeping a distance from her is the best way of her knowing that what she is doing is wrong/ If you decide to stay close to her then she will not feel that way.

She has to realise the seriousness of what she is doing. You should also make her realise that she will get very hurt and that she cannot expect anyone to pick up the pieces once she gets hurt because she has been told and warned so many times but she has decided to go against her friends, family and Allah. She has chosen him over everyone including Allah. Therefore sister you are doing the right thing by keeping a distance. Make the best of your own life and get as close to Allah as possible. It is a sign of a good Muslim when you hate what Allah has forbidden and you like what Allah has enjoined upon us to do.

Keep close to pious company and increase your worship of Allah especially because Ramadan is coming. Make dua for her that Allah gives her guidance and also continue to give her dawah only now and again and Islamic reminders in the form of texts and e mails.

and Allah knows best in all matters
Reply

anonymous
07-02-2010, 07:35 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Hamza81
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister she has caused this to herself. She decided to go against her friends, family and Allah all for having a haraam relationship with a guy. It is her who has made this decision and she has to pay the consequances for making that decision. She cannot expect everyone to be the same towards her when she is doing what she is doing. Therefore you must keep a distance from her but at the same time talk to her now and again giving her dawah towards the straight path and also send her fortnightly Islamic texts and e mails trying to instill the fear of Allah inside of her heart. You keeping a distance from her is the best way of her knowing that what she is doing is wrong/ If you decide to stay close to her then she will not feel that way.

She has to realise the seriousness of what she is doing. You should also make her realise that she will get very hurt and that she cannot expect anyone to pick up the pieces once she gets hurt because she has been told and warned so many times but she has decided to go against her friends, family and Allah. She has chosen him over everyone including Allah. Therefore sister you are doing the right thing by keeping a distance. Make the best of your own life and get as close to Allah as possible. It is a sign of a good Muslim when you hate what Allah has forbidden and you like what Allah has enjoined upon us to do.

Keep close to pious company and increase your worship of Allah especially because Ramadan is coming. Make dua for her that Allah gives her guidance and also continue to give her dawah only now and again and Islamic reminders in the form of texts and e mails.

and Allah knows best in all matters

Jazak Allahu Khairan brother. May Allah reward you abudantly for all your help and grant you Jannat-al-Firdaws. Your advice has helped me so much. I will take on the advice you have given me, and will send her texts and emails every now and then. It's quite hard because she seems to talk to me like Im still best friends with her on msn and I just try to stay away. I was abit silly at first, like yesterday, when I was being very soft and nice with her, and telling her not to worry, and helping her. She was letting alot of her feelings out, and I was being very comforting, but now I know thats not right. She did remind me by saying your a really good friend but don't forget what I put you through, but I was feeling too soft to say anything. Now, I've learnt - I will continue making duaa for her, and distance myself from her.

I really really appreciate all your help, and everyone else's of course. Jazakum-ullahu Khairan.
Reply

cat eyes
07-02-2010, 09:41 PM
it must be so difficult but i think that her iman might be weak and she is desperately in need of dawah sister :(

i think you should stop talking to her totally so she can see that this evil path shes going down is not doing her any favors, because she will realise that nobody decent wants be around her. not talking to her and only emailing her once in a while might make her cop on

sis if she aint ready for marriage, this relation ain't going to last very long is it but she probably has it in her head that she wants to stretch this relationship out as possible until she is ready and then the guy will probably turn around and ditch her.

im sure you have already warned her of the dangers that she might get pregnant and things like this? this is if she falls in to zina of course well if she continues on meeting this boy it will more then likely happen
Reply

Hamza Asadullah
07-02-2010, 11:09 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
Jazak Allahu Khairan brother. May Allah reward you abudantly for all your help and grant you Jannat-al-Firdaws. Your advice has helped me so much. I will take on the advice you have given me, and will send her texts and emails every now and then. It's quite hard because she seems to talk to me like Im still best friends with her on msn and I just try to stay away. I was abit silly at first, like yesterday, when I was being very soft and nice with her, and telling her not to worry, and helping her. She was letting alot of her feelings out, and I was being very comforting, but now I know thats not right. She did remind me by saying your a really good friend but don't forget what I put you through, but I was feeling too soft to say anything. Now, I've learnt - I will continue making duaa for her, and distance myself from her.

I really really appreciate all your help, and everyone else's of course. Jazakum-ullahu Khairan.
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, trust me sister you are doing her a favour by distancing yourself because that way she will be more likely to realise that she cannot carry on this way. Make her realsie that not only has she lost her friends but what must her mother be going through and what about Allah. What does she feel when she knows that Allah is watching her and is angry with her. Tell her does she think that Allah will put blessings into her relationship with that guy? Tell her that she will get very hurt and that it will be all her own doing because she was warned.

You should tell her that if she and the guy are really serious about each other then they would involve their families and at least do nikah now and then ruksathee later. If she is not willing to do that then why is she with him? For pass time?

Make her feel ashamed of herself and show her no more sympathy. Give her dawah, send Islamic texts and e mails now and again and block her on msn so only you can see her online and maybe talk to her on there now and again giving her dawah only. Do not give her any sympathy because she has created this situation for herself and you should let her know whenever she tells you her problems that how does she expect to have blessings in her life when she is doing so much haraam?

Make her realise that she will never have peace in her heart and life with the way she is carrying on. Make the best of your life now and treat your family the best. Get close to Allah and worship him as much as you can for life is short and we will regret all the time we have wasted. Remember me in your duas to.
Reply

anonymous
07-03-2010, 01:35 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Hamza81
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, trust me sister you are doing her a favour by distancing yourself because that way she will be more likely to realise that she cannot carry on this way. Make her realsie that not only has she lost her friends but what must her mother be going through and what about Allah. What does she feel when she knows that Allah is watching her and is angry with her. Tell her does she think that Allah will put blessings into her relationship with that guy? Tell her that she will get very hurt and that it will be all her own doing because she was warned.

You should tell her that if she and the guy are really serious about each other then they would involve their families and at least do nikah now and then ruksathee later. If she is not willing to do that then why is she with him? For pass time?

Make her feel ashamed of herself and show her no more sympathy. Give her dawah, send Islamic texts and e mails now and again and block her on msn so only you can see her online and maybe talk to her on there now and again giving her dawah only. Do not give her any sympathy because she has created this situation for herself and you should let her know whenever she tells you her problems that how does she expect to have blessings in her life when she is doing so much haraam?

Make her realise that she will never have peace in her heart and life with the way she is carrying on. Make the best of your life now and treat your family the best. Get close to Allah and worship him as much as you can for life is short and we will regret all the time we have wasted. Remember me in your duas to.
Assalamu-a'laikum,

Once again, jazak-Allahu Khairan for your reply. I spoke to her and I said everything that
you mentioned in your reply. And it got her really thinking, that she was on the verge of crying. I spoke to her about worldy desires, the Akhirah, Allah's anger upon her. It seems to have made a bit of progress. I then asked her again whether this was serious, not just teenage (she's 18) love. And when she said it was serious, I said well, then your halal option is to do the nikah. Thats when the problem of parents maybe disagreeing came in, and the fact that she's got an older sister. I've told her to do the Istikhara prayer and see the outcome. I gave her this website http://www.islamicacademy.org/html/D..._Istakhara.htm. Do you think I did the right thing. After this, I also want to send and tell her more about Islam to get her to practise. (Yes, unfortunately, she's not a practsing muslima)

She's going to do istikhara tonight inshallaah and we will see tomorrow

May Allah reward you immensely for all your help. You are in my duas.
Reply

Ummu Sufyaan
07-03-2010, 04:10 AM
:sl:
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
Salam everyone,

So, I met up with her today, and it was so sad. She was so upset, she knew that she had lost all the friends in our circle of friends. To be honest, I have missed her, because this is someone who I have been friends with for 7 years, and have helped her out more than anyone with everything, family problems, friendship problems etc.

I was clear with her, and told her how it really hurt to see a friend do something wrong and they know it. She told me this was something serious and that the guy also wanted to stop sinning but they weren't ready for marriage. She also said her mum knew, but hasn't said anything directly to her. Thats when I told her she's got two options, either stop seeing each other until marriage (she said that was harsh) or get engaged (which I think is highly unlikely to happen right now).

Im so confused. Part of me tells me to stay friends, not to abadon her, to stick with her, and to continue making duaa that Allah guides her, just feel like I shouldn't leave her, but the other part of me tells me that no, leave her, and its for the best. I don't want a bad name to be seen with someone whos goes out with a boy either. I don't know what to do.

She kept saying to me that I was a really good friend to her, and that she's so sorry for everything she's put me through. She talks to me normally now, like everythings ok, she knows I'm still against her having a bf. I told her how it was really upsetting, and that I had so much hope for her to stay on the right path, (all her sisters went down the wrong path), and I should add her dad left her mum too.

At the end of the day, I told her I couldn't force her, it was her life, she's going to answer back to Allah and it hurts to know that she's sinning.

Thank you all very much for reading this, and please advise me, now that I have told her how I feel. Should I ask her whether she would be prepared to leave the guy for Allah?

May Allah reward you for all your advice and help and grant you the highest of Jannat.
Jazkum Allah Khairan
Wasalam
if she is making progress in regards to her iman and you feel you have a positive affect on her in regards to her iman, i say keep her (as long as it isn't affecting your own iman).

you said she thinks its harsh to separate from the guy, tell her its harsh, but it needs to be done an thats just life...we just need to pull outselves together and things actually arent always as daugting as we make them out to be, once we actually put the effort in.

with situations like this, if you want to change people, the best way to advice them is to let them hear something they like first (this will soften their hearts to whatever advice you need to give them) then you tell them what needs to be done. i dont know what your friend is like so im not sure if this will be the best advice, but if i was in that situation i would say something along the lines of "its normal and understandable to like someone, but it doesn't make it acceptable to act outside the permissible guidelines" whatever you feel will appeal to her, work though that.

remember, it doesn't always work to say "fear Allah" "there is an aakhira" etc...sometimes saying things indirectly appeals to people more because if they dont have that religious upbringing, then the minuete they hear "hell" "haram" etc then they will asscoaicte it with religion and shaytaan has this way on playing with peoples minds.

of course saying those things is just as affective and shouldn't be disregarded. shes your friend and you know her best, so just try to guide her according to what level of knowledge she is at.

sometimes its not good to leave these people because all their reality is, is that they are screaming for help. as long as it isn't affecting your iman, upsetting your parents and as long as they are making progress in improving i say stick with them, not as a friend but as someone who wants the best for them and tries to guide them <--- note the difference.

when you are advising her, you aren't only doing so as her friend, you are doing it as a sister in Islam who is worried about her...you are giving dawah to her and the da3ee does not/shouldn't give up easily. be firm with her when/if needed and be kind with her if/when needed.

all the best.
Reply

Hamza Asadullah
07-03-2010, 11:21 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
Assalamu-a'laikum,

Once again, jazak-Allahu Khairan for your reply. I spoke to her and I said everything that
you mentioned in your reply. And it got her really thinking, that she was on the verge of crying. I spoke to her about worldy desires, the Akhirah, Allah's anger upon her. It seems to have made a bit of progress. I then asked her again whether this was serious, not just teenage (she's 18) love. And when she said it was serious, I said well, then your halal option is to do the nikah. Thats when the problem of parents maybe disagreeing came in, and the fact that she's got an older sister. I've told her to do the Istikhara prayer and see the outcome. I gave her this website http://www.islamicacademy.org/html/D..._Istakhara.htm. Do you think I did the right thing. After this, I also want to send and tell her more about Islam to get her to practise. (Yes, unfortunately, she's not a practsing muslima)

She's going to do istikhara tonight inshallaah and we will see tomorrow

May Allah reward you immensely for all your help. You are in my duas.
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, you should continue to try and instill the fear of Allah inside of her heart and to make her realise that our time here is short and this life is only but a few hours in comparison with the hereafter. You should also make her realise that if she actually wants to have a future with this boy then she is certainly going to ruin that if she continues to have this haraam relationship with him. You should emphasise to her that she MUST get both families involved as soon as is possible because there is no point hiding behind the fact that his or her parents may not agree. The longer she leaves it then the worse it is going to get for her. She has to face this now and not waste a second more having this haraam relationship otherwise there will NEVER be any blessings or any possibility of a future for both of them.

So she must realise that she must do things the right way if she wants any hope of a future with this boy. That means that she must involve both families straight away and stop interactions with him. She needs top reaslise that she is being very naive and foolish in pursuing this when she knows it is wrong. She also needs to know that she will get very hurt if she does not do things the right way now. Now is her chance to try and do things the right way and if she refuses then she will have to pay the consequances later on.

She needs to sacrifice in order to put the wrongs she has done right. You must also tell her that once both families are in touch and she has stopped all interactions with him then she can make isthikhara a few times and make dua to Allah to do what is best. Then she should rely upon Allah and whatever is best for her will happen. She should realise that continuing to see him will endanger any hope of them being together in the future and will continue to anger Allah and what if she were to die in this state? What would become of her?

You must be firm with her in this and not be sympathetic because she must realise that she cannot continue this wrong that she is doing. She should also realise that you trying to stop her is a blessing from Allah for her because most girls and boys nowadays who are in relationships do not even have any positive influences in their lives to try and stop them from doing haraam.

Try your best to instill the fear of Allah into her heart and tell her not to waste her youth for worship ion ones youth is the best of all worship and once her youth is gone then she will regret it forever for wasting it on these haraam pursuits which will only give her pain and anguish.

Tell her Allah wants her close to him and that she should do things the right way immediatley and repent to Allah sincerely with the intention of never repeating such a grave sin . Ramadhan is coming so this is the best time for her to change her ways now and then dewvelop her imaan and deen throughout Ramadhan.

You must emphasise to her the importance of Salaah and that it is the purpose of our life. This thread will help her to understand the importance of Salaah and also suggest a Salaah plan that she can follow so she can eventually begin to pray Salaah at a steady pace:

Not praying Salaah 5 times a day? Here's the solution!

http://www.islamicboard.com/worship-...-solution.html


Here are also some very beneficial lectures on death and the hereafter which you should make her listen to, to increase her imaan and fear of Allah:


Angel of Death!!! - Sheikh Ahmed Ali

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUzRJXlB2uA

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 1/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieX7ZQtHl0s

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 2/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KK_2sVGMW08

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 3/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpmzA2hk1Bo

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 4/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km39GfL62TQ

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - The Journey of the Soul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAwHEXE3-n0


HARD HITTING Lecture on HELLFIRE & the Day of JUDGEMENT! يوم القيامة والجحيم

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O6L_fBk7VM

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 1/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWTehIeCOUU

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 2/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXTtk7rWx_U

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 3/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmiD86w9fBc


Islam - Punishment of the Grave by Sheikh Riyadh ul Haq

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWb-hYIm2WE

Death and the Grave by Murtaza Khan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r2nzJVecqo

How can we not appreciate what we have after watching this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkEBUC0APMg


and Allah knows best in all matters
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