Du'a request for sister

[gs450la]

:sl:

Dear Brothers and Sisters,
I posted a request a while back for my 13 year old sister who had expressed extreme negative/rebellious/abusive behavior towards my family and I. To summarize the main points: She uses vulgar/obscene language (F-word, B-word, retarded, etc) towards us, she yells constantly and refuses to do anything when she is told to, she throws anger fits and unleashes her anger whenever and wherever she feels (she gets angry at the smallest of things, she expects all of her demands to be fulfilled and has no consideration as to whether the other person is able to comply with them and whether they are sick/unwell, etc.

This is just a brief summary, as going through all of it again and writing it down for you all is just too painful for me to do yet again. We have suffered financially, emotionally, and have crumbled as a family due to her behavior. We have tried talking to a school psychologist and they referred us to counseling. She refuses to go to counseling...she admits THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM, that is upsetting her, but she won't disclose it to us as she says she doesn't trust us. She gets ANGRY all the time, but she won't tell us.
I am very worried about her, because if she doesn't let this get out now, it will hurt her. She has already threatened suicide a few times and has said she will run away.

Trust me, I am not being dramatic/exaggerating anything. It is very serious at this point and I am even contemplating referring her to a psychiatric ward for a little bit of time. I honestly don't know what has gone wrong, is this allah's way of punishing us for something, or did someone do nazar?

If there is any light in the tunnel, she does pray Kazaa at night before she sleeps.

My parents are hard-working immigrants from Pakistan who love their children and want the best for them. This is no way to live life and I really wish that there were someway allah (SWT) could have mercy on them. My dad is sick and she treats him like he's an animal and makes him do her little chores.

Is there any dua I can make for her anger or anything I can read? I guess the point of this thread was to just elicit some powerful dua's from you guys. I am very upset and distraught and our family is about to completely shatter permanently. Any tips or suggestions are always appreciated.

Sincerely,
Ehsan

[Snowflake]

:sl:

May Allah protect you all from evil. Ameen. Firstly brother, I ask you not to be offended by what I say. Allah knows my intention is not to cause you hurt or embarrassment. I might be wrong, and I pray I am wrong in this case. I just want to bring this up as God forbid it may be a possibility. Is there any sign, hint, or inkling that your sister may be a victim of sexual child abuse. I'm so sorry for mentioning this, but I'm saying it because I've seen/read about enough cases where young children display extreme anger at the world, their families and even hurting themselves because they have been abused. I pray this is not the case with your sister, but it is something that cannot be ignored either. Sometimes, when we suffer from an emotional/physical trauma, the reactions might come much later than when the event actually took place. Please gain your sister's trust by ignoring her bad behaviour and befriending her. Tell her you understand how sometimes you want to talk to someone but you can't. This will make her form a connection with you. The fact she says that she can't trust her family suggests that she thinks she will get into trouble for saying whatever she has locked up inside her. She should not feel that way. She should feel that no matter what, her family is on her side and she won't be blamed. That is the only way she will feel safe enough to trust her family.


You can't do this in one conversation. She can't be expected to be told all this and end up believing it. She has to feel that it is true. And she will only feel it is true if you are being truthful. It could take a while for her to believe it, so don't give up. tell your family the same. I know how this must be testing everyone's patience. But right now your sister needs help. Her anger is sign of something much deeper and she doesn't know how to handle it. God forbid, the cause is child abuse. But whatever it is, it is definitely a cry for help.


I'm sorry imsad

[gs450la]

ASA

Dear Scents Of Jannah,

Thanks for the response, I am not offended whatsoever, I have explored much worse options in my head.

The thought of previous abuse has crossed my mind. But I really can't seem to recall any such situation. The thing that hurts is that we can't figure out what is wrong because she wont tell ANYONE! Even the school counselor who came to our house because she refused to go to school could not get anything out of her. I am VERY concerned because we don't know what is bothering her. I will definitely explore your suggestion, though.

Until we figure out what exactly is bothering her, we can't progress much and our life as a family will continue to suffer and the peace that is in our house will vanish. My father is almost 52 and he is unwell and she expects him to do just about everything for her (get her water upstairs, clean her room, bring food up, clean her clothes) She treats him like an animal and shouts at him/calls him names. She refuses to let anyone else help him.

Honestly, she appears evil. But you are right, she is just a child and she is definitely manifesting this behavior for a reason. My mom has given up hope on her and it is just my father and I who are working towards getting her into counseling. She breaks the law (doesn't wear helmet when bike riding and doesn't where seatbelt). She has absolutely no fear of anyone (police, parents, even god I think). Honestly, she is so insecure and accuses you of being out to get her at the slightest moment. She gets EXTREMELY angry when she hears something she doesn't like and starts gasping (this is not a dramatization, it is real)

This problem has destroyed the peace and happiness in our house and we are all miserable. My mom blames everything that has gone wrong with my sister on my father because she says he gave in to her too much. She says she is in menopause and can't deal with stress anymore. She is proposing to divorce my father and separate from him to avoid the stress of my sister.

Please pray for us and make dua's for our livelihood.

Sincerely,
Ehsan

[piXie]

:salamext:

I'm really sorry to hear this, and pray that Allaah eases all your family troubles. If it is okay to ask, at what age did your sister start behaving this way?

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[cat eyes]

do you know what she is a teenager and most teenagers act that way believe me.. my sister was just as bad. your family might be making this a bigger issue then it is. our children our certainly a test for us. but i totally would not rule out the fact that there might be something going on with her. my sister had a hard time at school she would get in to fights with other girls. the reason why a lot of teenagers are depressed is because there having hard time at school and they don't want to tell any one about it not even there family. they just keep everything to themselves. my sister told me everything what happened because i found a text msg on her fone so she had to tell me then what was going on. your sister does not want to show anyone that shes weak so shes putting on this tough mask to hide everything. she is showing all the signs that she is getting bullied but i might be wrong and Allah knows best. i will keep u in my dua inshallah

[cat eyes]

ASA

Dear Scents Of Jannah,

Thanks for the response, I am not offended whatsoever, I have explored much worse options in my head.

The thought of previous abuse has crossed my mind. But I really can't seem to recall any such situation. The thing that hurts is that we can't figure out what is wrong because she wont tell ANYONE! Even the school counselor who came to our house because she refused to go to school could not get anything out of her.

here are some signs that she might be a victim of bullying.. read down through the list and see if she has any of them inshallah


A child that's being bullied can show signs of insecurity in other areas of life; they may become fearful, angry, sad, or even depressed. If you have a gut feeling that your child is being harassed or picked on, there

are many ways to help them adjust and become stronger so they learn how to stand up for themselves. Children often show early warning signs of bullying, but you do need to keep an eye on their behavior to find out if it's a problem in their lives. Amongst others, six warning signs that your child is being bullied include:

1. They seem afraid or anxious to go to school. Mornings are rough for most children, but you might find yours avoiding riding the bus, or taking a longer walk to school than necessary. Your child is simply experiencing fear, and the sooner you can identify their behavior, the easier it will be to make some changes.

2. They suddenly lose interest in school. The child who used to be eager to head off to classes now seems disinterested and talks less about their day. They may seem distracted or distant when you talk about school, or might change the subject quickly. Bullying can often lead to a damaged self-esteem; these children will blame themselves and have difficulty standing up for themselves.

3. They exhibit eating and appetite inconsistencies. Many children will lose their appetite, or engage in overeating in an effort to soothe themselves. If they don't have healthier alternatives to cope, this may even develop into an eating disorder.

4. They have trouble sleeping. Many children will experience nightmares, insomnia, or even sleepwalking. These are all indicators of anxiety and insecurity, and bullying at school can often be a trigger point.

5. They have unexplained bruises, cuts, or scars. Some children will hide the fact they are being bullied out of shame, and may brush off any marks from fights as simply 'falling down' or knocking into something.


I pray that Allah reveals everything to you about whats going on with your sister. make sincere dua. trust in Allah and he will never let you down

[Al Mu'minaat]

Aslamalakaium..

May Allah help your sister.. and guide her.. Ameen..

[gs450la]

ASA,

Dear Brothers and Sisters,
I am going to explore the option of Bullying further, but with school out, it will be hard, but she seems to be very into friends. She started to manifest this behavior at age 11 (precisely two years ago)...however it was at a milder stage.

I know that this is definitely not usual of other teenagers, it is way out of the ordinary....maybe it is a result of being spoiled by dad...it is a mystery at this stage, but I will definitely make efforts to resolve this...

My parents are honestly on the verge of divorce because of this....thanks for the prayers and dua's and words of wisdom....

I hope we can survive this as a family and come out okay.

Sincerely,
Ehsan

[Woodrow]

:sl:

First I hope I am wrong. Reading this your sister is experiencing many symptoms of traumatic abuse. This would be by somebody she trusts, not necessarily a family member, but somebody very close to her that she should have been able to trust.

The trauma could be something physical or emotional. It can also be she was enticed into doing something she did not want to do such as shop lifting or trying drugs etc. But whatever it was somebody very close to her is involved. Could be anybody a favorite teacher, a trusted friend a parent of a friend etc.

She is not going to be able to break loose from the self imposed prison she now lives in. Her lashing out and temper tantrums are her attempt to separate herself and isolate herself in her own private prison.

Right now your sister is very much in need of family love. It is doubtful she would benefit from any counseling at this time, but those close to her can get some help in learning how to cope with her. The local Mental Health clinic should have some literature in how to deal with an abused child.

[Sawdah]

Aslamalakaium..

May Allah help your sister.. and guide her.. Ameen..

ASA,

Dear Brothers and Sisters,
I am going to explore the option of Bullying further, but with school out, it will be hard, but she seems to be very into friends. She started to manifest this behavior at age 11 (precisely two years ago)...however it was at a milder stage.

I know that this is definitely not usual of other teenagers, it is way out of the ordinary....maybe it is a result of being spoiled by dad...it is a mystery at this stage, but I will definitely make efforts to resolve this...

My parents are honestly on the verge of divorce because of this....thanks for the prayers and dua's and words of wisdom....

I hope we can survive this as a family and come out okay.

Sincerely,
Ehsan

Ameen. InshaAllah brother.

May Allah bring relief to your family from this difficulty. Thumma Ameen.

[Hamza Asadullah]

:sl:

Dear Brothers and Sisters,
I posted a request a while back for my 13 year old sister who had expressed extreme negative/rebellious/abusive behavior towards my family and I. To summarize the main points: She uses vulgar/obscene language (F-word, B-word, retarded, etc) towards us, she yells constantly and refuses to do anything when she is told to, she throws anger fits and unleashes her anger whenever and wherever she feels (she gets angry at the smallest of things, she expects all of her demands to be fulfilled and has no consideration as to whether the other person is able to comply with them and whether they are sick/unwell, etc.

This is just a brief summary, as going through all of it again and writing it down for you all is just too painful for me to do yet again. We have suffered financially, emotionally, and have crumbled as a family due to her behavior. We have tried talking to a school psychologist and they referred us to counseling. She refuses to go to counseling...she admits THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM, that is upsetting her, but she won't disclose it to us as she says she doesn't trust us. She gets ANGRY all the time, but she won't tell us.
I am very worried about her, because if she doesn't let this get out now, it will hurt her. She has already threatened suicide a few times and has said she will run away.

Trust me, I am not being dramatic/exaggerating anything. It is very serious at this point and I am even contemplating referring her to a psychiatric ward for a little bit of time. I honestly don't know what has gone wrong, is this allah's way of punishing us for something, or did someone do nazar?

If there is any light in the tunnel, she does pray Kazaa at night before she sleeps.

My parents are hard-working immigrants from Pakistan who love their children and want the best for them. This is no way to live life and I really wish that there were someway allah (SWT) could have mercy on them. My dad is sick and she treats him like he's an animal and makes him do her little chores.

Is there any dua I can make for her anger or anything I can read? I guess the point of this thread was to just elicit some powerful dua's from you guys. I am very upset and distraught and our family is about to completely shatter permanently. Any tips or suggestions are always appreciated.

Sincerely,
Ehsan

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazkallahu khayran for sharing your issue with us. This situation must cause a lot of pain and grief for the family but never ask Allah "why us" or that "why" is he punishing you. We must always accept the decree of Allah and never question his wisdom. We know nothing for us to even begin to question him.

Continue to support one another and strengthen the ties in your family so that you can support each other through this difficult perioud. Get support from counsellors so that your family can get through this difficult time. Have full hope, trust, faith and reliance in Allah and remain patient and steadfast.

Continue to give love and support to your sister for she is also going through a very difficult perioud. Continue to try to get to the root of the problem by showing her love, affection and support and constantly telling her that she can trust you and that you are there for her. Inshallah she will eventually tell you the root of her problem.

It may also be advisable to establish if there is any sihr involved, so you can contact a learnined and experienced scholar so that you can rule it out. Continue to seek advice off professionals and continue to show her love and support and ask of Allah and i pray whatever is best will happen for you inshallah.

and Allah knows best in all matters.

[gs450la]

:sl:

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

As always your prayers and words of wisdom are a huge relief to me. I thank you for it from the bottom of my heart.

I have been very busy and stressed these past few weeks because of my MCAT exam and my grandmother's stroke this week. In any event, things have continued to get worse at home.

I have been trying to be nice and be patient with her but she makes it very difficult. However, that is still no excuse for losing my temper.

An incident happened yesterday. She was in the kitchen with my father and she yelled profanity to him as a joke. Normally, she says it anyways but I had already been upset by her previous actions and I had a fight with my mom earlier. I told her to stop it and I told my father that he shouldn't financially support a child as rude as her, as in my experience, I have yet to meet a child as rude and abusive as my sister in the united states (regardless of race/ethnic background). She got angry for my remarks and started provoking me. She said that she is always right and I am wrong. Our 9 year old brother was in the room as well and she told him to say bad things about me and say that he hates me. I got very irritated and started to go upstairs. However, she continued to yell at me and I just couldn't take it anymore and came back to argue with her. She attempted to through a glass at me and I grabbed her to stop her.

She is a tom boy and enjoys proving that she is "STRONG" and muscular. So she attempted to bite and grab my arm. She also attempted to grab a knife and stab me. My dad interfered and I grabbed her bandana wrapped around her head and accidentally pulled a few strands of hair. Afterwards, my dad grabbed my hands and started to squeeze them very hard. In addition to pounding me outside. A few neighbors saw this and got worried.

I was getting late for work so I just ran upstairs as fast as I could, grabbed my clothes/wallet, and got in my car and changed in a Starbuck's nearby. I was really shaken by the incident and was angry at myself.
I was wrong to have hit her as this gives her more amunition. I have been taking all of her vulgar nasty comments and remarks inside me for months. I have tried to stay quiet when she is abusive and negative, and haven't said anything so as to avoid what just happened.

She is really pushing limits here with us and my mom has given up. She says that my dad is the one who said yes to her all the time and gave into her commands, so he will be the one to pay the price and fix my sister as she can't get through to her anymore.

My sister has a problem accepting reality and won't listen to anything that is said to her. She calls my dad multiple times a day and complains/yells (at the top of her voice) that she wants Starbuck's energy drinks, Tacos, she wants to go outside with friends. Now he bought her a bike and she goes outside on her free will as she has money. She doesn't wear a helmet and goes whenever she feels like it. She is definitely the definition of white trash by her demeanor and she always buys male clothing. He is on the verge of losing his job because he has had to leave work multiple times because of her demands, she demands that he is the one who must take her. I keep on telling him that he has the option of not answering her phone calls and letting her scream and beg. he should take the phone, laptop, mp3 and bike away from her, but he says that it will make her worse and act out more.

Honestly, my grandmother is getting even worse, I will probably have to re-take the MCAT and my sister is just not sympathetic to anything that doesn't involve her directly or her friends. She only cares about her social life at school. She won't go anywhere that she does not want to go. So going to a counselor or scholar is almost impossible. She needs a way to find out how to control her anger and realize her behavior is unaccpetable.

I just don't know what we can do. My dad says she is just like my mom and that the only way to control her is to be nice to her and give into her demands. We are honestly at the verge of losing everything thanks to her. I just wish we could go back 5 years ago and control the environment she was in (i.e. put her in a private school).

Till then, thank you all for your support and advice. I genuinely feel miserable and you're prayers are a blessing to me.

Thanks,
Ehsan

[Alpha Dude]

Bro, wow. I have to say, it seems your father is going about this so wrong. She needs to be set straight! No sane person would tolerate her.

No need to go to a psych. Good old fashion discipline of some kind would go a long way. Unfortunately it seems she's been so 'free' that it would be extremely hard to control her no matter what you do now though.

Don't give in to her demands. She's an attention seeker and your father ought to man up. I find it really sad that he's let it go so far.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
-reverse psychology comes to mind. try that but be careful how you use it because it may have a bad affect in that it could just make her even worse.

-her friends...what are they like? her school atmosphere, what is it like?

-is there any type of ibaadah in your home? does anyone pray?

-could it be a result of reaching adolescence.

-what is the atmosphere in your home? do other of your family members argue, fight etc? is there a lot of males in your home...since you said she likes to act like a tomboy she may feel the need to fit in and so she acts tough. Generally speaking what is her place in your family? is she the black sheep? has she been abused?

-your father needs to toughen up becuase if her parents cant stop her, i dont know what will. since he is the one she listens to, perhaps he can discipline her accordingly. for example when he gives her money, make it with conditions or he shouldn't give it to her until and unless she has proven that she will listen. so use the money and other such things that she gets, as "bargaining" tools.

a few weeks ago i had a little "incident" with one of my 4 year old nephews where when i had to hold a toy of his (to put it away), he came up to me and snatch it out of my hand. i thought this was one incredibly rude way to get something off of someone so i refused to give it to him. he naturally got a little angry and all but i still refused until i made sure that he knew that he wasnt going to get it, until he asked nicely. and it sort of worked. he didnt listen straight away but a few times after that, when he wanted somethign from me he would ask in the manner that he knew was going to get my attention.

your situation is slightly different from mine, but in essence its the same thing. you have to use what she wants as bargaining tools in order to discipline her. so my point is, in that moment where your sister is kicking and screaming is the perfect oppurtunity to teach her manners becuse in affect what she is saying is "if i want something from you, then its up to me to earn it...you have the authority to deny or give it to me and if i want you to give it to me, then i have to go by your rules." so set her some rules. it will be hard at first, but remember in the long run its for the better inshallah. dont give up and keep being persistent. she maybe stubborn at first but after a while inshallah she will come around.

- another thing is if you want your sisters ways to be set aright, the person who disciplines her, must ensure that they are practicing what they tell her as well. its no use to say "you have to clam down" when everyone else is fighting one another and/or the general family dynamics is unsettled.