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truemen
06-17-2010, 07:04 AM
:sl: to all

I want to discuss one of my problem with you .

Actually , I donot have any self confidence and a very very coward men. I am above 25 and live with my parents.

I hesitate too much meeting new people , and feel very fear while tallking to new people.

Currently , my mother is planning to marry me and I too want to marry but the problem is as i the marriage will be totally arranged and when ever i think of how might my wife be with me and how all thing will go , i have to make realtionship with new people i feel so tense and nervouse that i fall sick , its almost like a fever and due to tension i cannot eat properly.

I donot know why i feel soo tense in this situation (by the way i also feel the same tense while doing some ohter things too).

I donot know how to over come my tense and fear.

Please also pray for me that Allah will help me and give me courage.
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Hamza Asadullah
06-27-2010, 12:51 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by truemen
:sl: to all

I want to discuss one of my problem with you .

Actually , I donot have any self confidence and a very very coward men. I am above 25 and live with my parents.

I hesitate too much meeting new people , and feel very fear while tallking to new people.

Currently , my mother is planning to marry me and I too want to marry but the problem is as i the marriage will be totally arranged and when ever i think of how might my wife be with me and how all thing will go , i have to make realtionship with new people i feel so tense and nervouse that i fall sick , its almost like a fever and due to tension i cannot eat properly.

I donot know why i feel soo tense in this situation (by the way i also feel the same tense while doing some ohter things too).

I donot know how to over come my tense and fear.

Please also pray for me that Allah will help me and give me courage.
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallah khayr for sharing your issue with us. My brother it is clear that you suffer from some type of anxiety attacks when in public or social situations. Know that you are not alone in this and there are treatments available for your condition. I would urge you to go to a counsellor and psychologist preferrably Muslim to discuss these your issues and they can help you inshallah.

Sheikh Ahmad Kutty gives some advice about overcoming anxiety and worry and states:

Anxiety and worry can be overcome by seeking refuge in Allah through consistency in dhikr. As Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim has pointed out, dhikr entails manifold benefits, the most important of which is that it brings us closer to Allah while keeping us away from Satan, who whispers all kinds of thoughts and suggestions in our minds and hearts. The next most important benefit of dhikr is that it removes all feelings of grief, worry, and anxiety from our hearts and bestows on our souls true serenity, joy, peace, and bliss. Allah says, ( Those who believe and whose hearts find tranquility in the remembrance of Allah. Lo, it is in the remembrance of Allah that hearts find tranquility) (Qur’an: Ar-Ra`d 13:28).

We also read that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to look expectantly towards Prayer (being the perfect means of dhikr) as the true source of bringing joy to the heart. He said, “The true joy of my heart is in Prayer.” It is also worth remembering that, according to Islam, Allah alone is the Ultimate Source of Peace; His name is As-Salam.

Therefore, I advise you to practice dhikr consistently so that it becomes your second nature. This can be achieved through consistency: The first step is to be diligent in performing your salah consistently and regularly at the appointed times, while being fully awake and mindful of the meanings and feeling the true spirit of it. Second, condition yourself to turn to Allah always in du`aa' (suplication) and istighfar (seeking Allah's forgiveness). An excellent way of establishing consistency in dhikr is by forcing yourself to say and meditate on the power words such as the following:

"Subhan Allah wa bihamdihi subhan; Allahi al-`azheem"

(glory be to Allah, and praise be to Him; glory be to Allah the Glorious).

"Subhan Allah wa bi hamdihi `adada khalqihi, wa ridha'a nafsihi, wa zinata `arshihi, wa midada kalimatihi"

(glory be to Allah and praise be to Him in a manner that befits the [infinite] number of His creation, and as it pleases Him, and as it befits the true weight of His throne as well as His infinite knowledge).

Furthermore, condition yourself to read the following du`aa' on a regular basis as they have been prescribed by the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) for repelling anxieties and gaining serenity and peace. You are best advised to read them an odd number of times (preferably three) in the mornings as well as at night prior to retiring to bed:

La ilaha illa Allahu al-`azheem al-haleem; la ilaha illa Allahu, rabbu al-`arshi al-`azheem, la ilaha illa Allahu, rabbu as-samawati wa al-ardi wa rabbu al-`arshi al-kareem

(There is no god but Allah, the Glorious, the Clement; there is no god but Allah, Lord of the mighty throne; there is no god but Allah, Lord of the heavens and the earth, and Lord of the noble throne).

Allahumma inni (if you are male say: `abduka wa ibn `abdika ibn amatika; if you are female say: amatuka wa bintu `abdika wa bintu amatika), nasiyati bi yadika madin fiyya hukmuka `adlun fiyya qada’uka as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitabika aw `allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi `ilm al-ghaybi `indaka an taj`ala al-Qur’ana rabi`a qalbi wa nura basari wa jila’a huzni wa dhahaba hammi

(O Allah, I am Your servant, son/daughter of Your servant, my forelock is under Your firm grips, Your decree in my case is sure to be realized, and Your judgment is just. I ask of You by invoking every single name that You possess, with which You have called Yourself, or You have revealed in Your scripture or You have instructed any of Your creation or You have kept hidden with Yourself in the knowledge of the unseen realities to make the Qur’an the spring of my hearts, light of my eyes, and dispeller of my grief and remover of my anxieties).

Ya hayyu ya qayyumu bi rahmatika astaghithu

(O the Ever-Living, the Eternal Source of all beings! I beseech Your mercy and assistance).


Here are also more resources for you to help you with your condition inshallah:

25 Ways to Deal with Stress and Anxiety

http://www.soundvision.com/info/peace/stresstips.asp

Islam's Treatment for Anxiety and Worry

http://maseeh1.tripod.com/advices7/id150.htm

I pray Allah improves your condition. This is a test for you so never ask Allah "why me" but accept it and remain patient and steadfast and Allah is with those who are patient and the reward of patience is Jannah.

and Allah knows best in all matters
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Ummu Sufyaan
06-27-2010, 01:40 PM
wa alaykum us-Salaam

learn how to stand up for your self and be stronger. its not easy, but you will get used to it, inshallah and life is worse without strength.

you feeling nervous about meeting new people isnt due to cowardice, but probably social anxiety. this is normal and can be help.
these social issues can be easily fixed, but you need to take it step by step. dont try to change all at once, but introduce yourself to social situations as long as you feel it is within your scope of self confidence. once you build that confidence, go at a faster pace.

1. why do you fear to be social with people? is it a self esteem issue where you think of yourself as someone lowly not worthy of their company? whatever the reason, strive to reverse it.

2. take practical steps to get you to feel conformable with socializing...

a) small talk. start your conversations small. take them as they come and dont get ahead of yourself. for example: the situation is that you meet someone new at a function
you: *smile*
them: wa alaykum *smile back*
you: *notice they have a different accent* subhanallah brother where are you from?
them: *mentions where he's from*
you: oh yeah, i traveled there last year, awesome place. i especially liked the hospitality of the locals.

the point is is that you have found common ground with that person, which develops into a level of comfortably with them, and suddenly you will find that they/you invite one another for lunch..

b) "manipulate"/direct the conversation so it is something you are comfortable and familiar with. only talk about things where you know and can be sure where the conversation is going. this is so that you dont feel awkward and anxious if something unexpected comes up. for example you may meet someone who likes photography (if you like that as-well) direct the conversation towards what the best places to take photos is at, the time of day, the type of camera to use...use your knowledge too your advantage which it is something you are familiar with and hence will be more confident.

c) befriend people who are more talkative then you. this is because they will be doing most of the talking, and you will mostly do the listening.

d) without eavesdropping, listen to the way people talk and what they talk about. this is so that you can get an idea of how conversations are meant to be. i know it sounds trivial, but a unsocial person forgets these things since they aren't engaging is socializing. you may reach a point where you just dont think certain things should be said and so you choose to remain quite, just simply because you find that kind of talk useless. it may very well ...but all these tend to improve social skills

e) plan your conversation. this sort of is like point d only you aren't directing the conversation towards you, but just generally it gives you a rough idea of how your conversation maybe like so that you dont get awkward and timid.

when you see that you arent "clicking" with someone, dont think that its a failure or that you cant socialize, it just maybe that you aren't on the same wave length as that particular person...once you see that you have something in common with someone, conversation and being social with them, will come very easy, inshallah.
to add to the last paragraph, if you don't feel as if you are clicking with someone, it could also be that you aren't of their social status, cultural group, etc. these things also affect how well we "click" with people. just find people you are comfortable with and inshaAllah you will find that socializing really isn't a problem.


-you feeling nervous about meeting a new potential is also normal and can also be helped. be strong, learn what to do, ask people you know how they dealt with it and what they did to clam down their nerves. implement their advice and stay confident. keep your resolve strong and try your best not to give into your weaknesses...remember it will only harm you. i know someone (brother) who lost 3kg when he went to see a prospect...and that was only over a duration of days.
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Salahudeen
06-28-2010, 06:26 AM
I know how you feel akhi, it's as if I wrote that post myself, social situations just totally stress me out, it's as if you don't know how to act, like there's no rule book to follow, I've found the more you just throw yourself in the situation it gets slightly easier, it's like jumping in the deep end over and over again. You get less nervous each time, but if you stop jumping in the deep end for a while you'll soon become nervous again.

This is how I get, I think it is called social anxiety disorder.
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