expectations not met in marriage

[anonymous]

Salaam,

I have now been married for over a year now. My husband always been very controlling and whatever he wants he must get it his way. We live with the inlaws and my life is hell with them. The MIL and SIL hate me and the mother cannot stand me spending any time with my husband.

Me and my husband both have well paid jobs and have a really reasonable income together and individually. But he refuses to move out of the house as he would like to stay at home and look after the parents - even though this is possible living in seperate housing.

I have no space or privacy and when i want to spend time with my husband he always goes and spends it with the family. I try to help my MIL as much as i can by doing household chores. She brainwashes my husband - everytime me and him speak she interupts and always has her say in our business. iF I mention this to him he says i am selfish and will say other things to upset me.

When i tell him lets go out lets do this he only accepts when nobody is at home otherwise we are not allowed to do anything together. The house is always overcrowded and i feel i cant breathe at times.

What shall i do? other married women out there would you put up with this??

I am now pregnant and i feel tired all the time and feel i cant do this anymore he is not meeting my needs.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
try talk to your husband and let him know that even if you do move out you wont prevent him from looking after his parents. i know it can be hard to try to please and like people who hurt you, but again even if you do move out, offer to cook, etc for your in-laws every now and again, just to show that you don't want to cut them from your life.

to curb people's hurtful words when they cut you from speaking, is don't say anything at all and anything you need to say, reserve it for privacy/when others aren't around. say it in an indirect way because sometimes saying something straight up, goes in one ear and out the other :[

if your sister in law is mistreating you, stand up to her. you aren't anyone's punching bag. this is disgusting. and why isn't your sister in law looking after her own parents since the parents need looking after?

you going through this whilst pregnant is worrying...stressed out mother=stressed out baby.

which ever method you have tried using to get your husband to understand you, try a different method? maybe something different needs to be done? get your parents to speak to him? try something different he may have become "desensitized" to the current method you have been using.

if all fails, go speak to a reliable imam.

[anonymous]

i dont get much privacy thats the problem and he will not move out. i just feel depressed i feel alone i feel they are against me and so is my husband as he will always believe them over me. would this be a valid reason for divorce i just cant take it anymore.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

^see an imam.

go to your parents so that you (and thus your baby) will feel more at ease.

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[Salahudeen]

interfering in laws are all ways a problem :(

[Asiyah3]

i dont get much privacy thats the problem and he will not move out. i just feel depressed i feel alone i feel they are against me and so is my husband as he will always believe them over me. would this be a valid reason for divorce i just cant take it anymore.

:wa:

A separate accommodation is your right. Try telling your husband that you could move somewhere up close and he can still take care of his parents and visit them often insha'Allah. If you could visit a reliable imam together, he'll insha'Allah advice your husband.

[cat eyes]

id speak with a reliable imam.. if u can, try and get him to talk with the imam over the fone too. this might make him see sense.

Let the scholar decide whether divorce is better option here or not but only you can make the decision and nobody is in your shoes so they don't know what its like.

Have you spoken with a scholar sister?

[anonymous]

Even if i were to have another house i would feel happy but he will always be round his families house and expect me to be there,if i dont go he wont be by my side he will always be there - so again is that worth it?

I havent spoken to any scholor as of yet but i am very unhappy. His parents are young and not ill - they can take care of themselves - if they were old i would want to serve them too but they manage to do things much better than i do.

MIL went mad when i mentioned this and feels im taking her son away. Her hubby and her get on well and so do all her kids and grandchildren so its not as if she is alone.

[Salahudeen]

That is weird, maybe if he was the only child I could understand a little where they are coming from but she has other kids also :hmm: this kind of family politics is common in Pakistani families I've noticed. I don't know about other nationalities, but Pakistani's most of the time have this family politics and it's so irritating.

[cat eyes]

tell him to get his act together for sake of Allah. neglecting his wife has its consequences too if not in this life then in the next in fact i was listening to a good long lecture on it.

maybe some one here could give you email for u to contact a scholar.

[anonymous]

Thank you for your replies. I felt as if i was being too demanding but i am glad i am not. the whole point of me getting married was to create my own family with him and spend time with him. I spend more time with his family than him and if i want to do something only if his family are OK with it we are allowed to go. This is wrong for me to say but i have a lot of resentment to the MIL i really do she doesnt let her precious son go.

i am so angry.

[zakirs]

Thank you for your replies. I felt as if i was being too demanding but i am glad i am not. the whole point of me getting married was to create my own family with him and spend time with him. I spend more time with his family than him and if i want to do something only if his family are OK with it we are allowed to go. This is wrong for me to say but i have a lot of resentment to the MIL i really do she doesnt let her precious son go.

i am so angry.

Its a common problem sis. Deal with patience and try to win your MIL's trust. Its something like trying to impress your boss in office ;). All the best

[anonymous]

i have done nothign wrong to MIL always nice to her and do what she says. Even at times she when she starts coughing she asks my husband to sleep with her so i dont spend anytime with him.

she even comes cleans my room when im at work - i know she goes through my things too.

[cat eyes]

i have done nothign wrong to MIL always nice to her and do what she says. Even at times she when she starts coughing she asks my husband to sleep with her so i dont spend anytime with him.

she even comes cleans my room when im at work - i know she goes through my things too.

when you say she asks him to come sleep with her, do u mean at night when everyone goes to bed?:-\

does this happen daily? does this happen during day time? is his mum really sick as in does she have any health probs? it seems like this really is actually a big issue for you.

the fact that hes not spending time with you is quite odd to me :hmm: especially if both of you are living under one roof, there should not be any excuse not to give you any time.

when you talk with a scholar, tell him about those sleeping arrangements. i believe firmly that when the child has reached in to his adult years there should be no sleeping with the parents.

well about the cleaning room part and going through your things.. sometimes i get the urge to do that when im in my sisters room but its only because i care.

[anonymous]

i personally think it happens when she knows i want him to myself - i feel that i should as i am his wife and carrying his child !!!!

It is a huge issue that is driving me crazy!!

she is not disabled or has ehalth problems that affects her doing household chores or going out shopping etc she is perfectly fine in that sense.

No she should not enter my room - i need something to myself and its always clean so why does she have to go in. Im ont he verge of filing for a divorce and then im scared as i am early months of being pregnant.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

i personally think it happens when she knows i want him to myself - i feel that i should as i am his wife and carrying his child !!!!

don't take this the wrong way or anything and what your inlaws are doing are certainly not right, but thinking your husband belongs solely to you isn't right either. of course people shouldn't butt in, be considerate of you and all the rest of it, but that expectation that he is all yours, needs to be changed =)

you shouldn't expect/discourage anyone from seeing their family, its not only wrong, but it may work against you in that knowing that you want full "possession" of him, may be the reason why your in laws are also so adamant on keeping you separate from him. of course you have rights to see him and all and it is completely wrong for anyone to expect and prevent you from otherwise, but try to adopt the middle way in this.

i know these inlaw issues can be sensitive, but i do strongly believe that if both sides just try to get along, then they probably would. i don't know why these things get blown out of proportion. he's their son and your husband...what the hell is the problem exactly :hmm:

[Rabi'ya]

:sl: sister

there are a few points I feel I can contribute inshallah

Firstly, do ur in laws(forget ur hubby for a min) practice Islam, or try to practice Islam? I mean if they do, and they are close to certain scholars you can try to educate them this way. By watching lectures/listening to lectures or attending in person if there are some in ur area. Try to get ur in laws to go with u to lectures. Try to involve yourself with ur MIL and SIL and say that its "girly time" and that he should allow you to form a relationship with them. inshAllah this may work, and u may be able to puit ur differences aside. If this doesnt work then at least you can honestly say uve tried.

Secondly, I would certainly see a scholar whom ur husband trusts. Simply ask the scholar the duties of a husband in as much as basic provisions are concerned. for example housing, clothing etc. If he hears this from someone respected in the community, instead of u only then perhaps he will heed the advice.

It sounds to me as if he is not performing many of his husbandly duties yet expects you to do extra than urs. Tell him this in plain, certain terms.

I will keep you in my duaas. It is difficult living in someone elses house and trying to feel at ease. InshAllah if I can help then feel free to PM me. MAy have a few more tricks up my sleeve. lol

May Allah make it easy for you and protect your baby from hearm. ameen

ooooh another thing, do you want your baby to be brought up in this environment. from personal experience a rift within a household is not good and is definitely felt by the child.

[cat eyes]

why not give him a taste of his own medicine sis and you spend loads of time with your family?:hmm: and when he asks you to meet him, you tell him your busy with your own family. *wink wink*:D usually this sometimes works because the person gets a feel for how the other one is truly feeling. id honestly give that a try then inshallah he will probably know how hurtful it is then he will go and complain to his family eventually they will have to talk to you then both your family and his family can sit together and sort this out once and for all!

[anonymous]

me and my family live such a long distance apart - im talking a good few hours - 5 hours and i have work commitments too - i use all my holiday i get with them but it dont seem to bother my hubby at all.

[CosmicPathos]

That is weird, maybe if he was the only child I could understand a little where they are coming from but she has other kids also :hmm: this kind of family politics is common in Pakistani families I've noticed. I don't know about other nationalities, but Pakistani's most of the time have this family politics and it's so irritating.

Are you Indian?

These kind of family politics are in all families. I've seen and met worst white families.

[Salahudeen]

Are you Indian?

These kind of family politics are in all families. I've seen and met worst white families.

no I'm Pakistani, I wouldn't know if it exists in other families since I don't have much contact with non pakistani families. So I can only speak from personal experience.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salaam,

I have now been married for over a year now. My husband always been very controlling and whatever he wants he must get it his way. We live with the inlaws and my life is hell with them. The MIL and SIL hate me and the mother cannot stand me spending any time with my husband.

Me and my husband both have well paid jobs and have a really reasonable income together and individually. But he refuses to move out of the house as he would like to stay at home and look after the parents - even though this is possible living in seperate housing.

I have no space or privacy and when i want to spend time with my husband he always goes and spends it with the family. I try to help my MIL as much as i can by doing household chores. She brainwashes my husband - everytime me and him speak she interupts and always has her say in our business. iF I mention this to him he says i am selfish and will say other things to upset me.

When i tell him lets go out lets do this he only accepts when nobody is at home otherwise we are not allowed to do anything together. The house is always overcrowded and i feel i cant breathe at times.

What shall i do? other married women out there would you put up with this??

I am now pregnant and i feel tired all the time and feel i cant do this anymore he is not meeting my needs.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazkallah khayran for sharing your issue with us. My sister it is important for all of us before we get married to know what our rights are. This is so that the husband and wife can be aware of what each others rights are. Your husband should realise that it is your right to have adequate living space where you an have privacy. It is also your right that your husband spend quality time with you.

You should sit him down and have a serious word with him about your feelings and that you feel that he is not fulfilling your rights. Do not become argumentative and do not shout but say it in a firm manner so he knows your serious. If he starts saying your selfish etc then make him realise how serious you are that you have even contemplated divorce. This will make him realise his actions and make him think twice before going off on one.

Make him realise that he must not disregard what you say but take it seriously and that you are feeling as though he is not fulfilling your rights. If he still does not want to listen then you should consider talking to an elder or respected member of the family who can mediate things between you. You should also seek advice from a learned and experienced scholar as he would advise you best on what steps to take. The scholar should also have a serious word with your husband in regards to the rights of a wife and that he must fulfil them.

Take the right steps and ask of Allah sincerely to help you and to make your husband realise your rights and for him to take you more seriously. I pray that whatever is best happens for you inshallah.

And Allah knows best in all matters