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anonymous
06-26-2010, 05:35 AM
There's a girl I wanna get married to and I told my family about her. This girl earlier had a fiance but she broke her engagement with him because he hardly cared for her and she was very unhappy with him. My mom knows about this but not the reason for the broken engagement. In my culture, it is highly preferred to have an arranged marriage and if you have a love marriage then eyebrows are raised and so I requested my mom to go and arrange it with the girl's mother. The girl has a tan complexion, not the fairest of women but I still love her and she loves me. These are the only two problems with the girl.

Somehow my Dad supported me and convinced my Mom to go the girl's place to talk to her mother. My mom went there and totally insulted the girl and her mother by talking with them in private, she didn't blast them up but she said the most hurtful things to them in a normal tone. Now the girl and her mother both are intensely hurt and say this marriage can't go forward.

I brought this up in front of both my parents but my Mom feels she did not do anything wrong. This really fired me up and I behaved very very very rudely with them but to no avail. Even now my Mom doesn't have even a shred of regret or guilt in her heart for her crime. And on the girl's side, her mother says that she will never get her daughter married to me. We both love each other. what do i do?
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Hamza Asadullah
06-29-2010, 09:52 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
There's a girl I wanna get married to and I told my family about her. This girl earlier had a fiance but she broke her engagement with him because he hardly cared for her and she was very unhappy with him. My mom knows about this but not the reason for the broken engagement. In my culture, it is highly preferred to have an arranged marriage and if you have a love marriage then eyebrows are raised and so I requested my mom to go and arrange it with the girl's mother. The girl has a tan complexion, not the fairest of women but I still love her and she loves me. These are the only two problems with the girl.

Somehow my Dad supported me and convinced my Mom to go the girl's place to talk to her mother. My mom went there and totally insulted the girl and her mother by talking with them in private, she didn't blast them up but she said the most hurtful things to them in a normal tone. Now the girl and her mother both are intensely hurt and say this marriage can't go forward.

I brought this up in front of both my parents but my Mom feels she did not do anything wrong. This really fired me up and I behaved very very very rudely with them but to no avail. Even now my Mom doesn't have even a shred of regret or guilt in her heart for her crime. And on the girl's side, her mother says that she will never get her daughter married to me. We both love each other. what do i do?
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallah khayran for sharing your issue with us. Firsly my brother you must realise that it is forbidden for you to have any kind of relations or contact with any girl before marriage.

A Hadith narrated by Al-Tabari and Al-Baihaqi on the authority of Ma`qil ibn Yassar that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “It would be better for one of you to have himself stabbed on the head with an iron needle than to touch a woman that is illegal for him.”

You must fear Allah because if you were to die in the state of having relations with her then what would become of you and what would you say to Allah? A relationship is not a guarantee for marriage and that is why so many get so hurt because they pursue haraam relations before marriage and then go through pain and torture when things go wrong. It will obviously end in a bad way because it started in a bad way.

The couple create false dreams and hopes in their little bubble and then their relationship does not end up going towards marriage and they end up getting scarred for a very long time finding it difficult to move on. You must not make this mistake and you cannot expect to get blessings in your pursuit for marriage if you are having relations or contact with her, therefore you must cut off all contact with her immediatley.

Secondly you should realise that Allah has given our parents particularly our mothers the highest of status. They bore us in their stomachs for 9 months and raised us all of our lives and have done so much for us that we cannot even comprehend. We are in the protection of their duas and the love they have for us is incomparable. Therefore we must NEVER even say "uff" to them let alone shout and argue with them. Even if they treat us the worst and oppress us, we are obliged to treat them the best . So be patient towards your mother and always think to yourself of what she has done to you for shaythan wants to build up hatred and resentment inside of you towards your mother because he knows this will destroy you.

Therefore treat your mother the best no matter what she does towards you and speak to her in a loving and gentle manner always keeping in the back of your mind that she ONLY deserves the best treatment no matter what she does towards you. Surely your children will treat you the way you treated your mother and parents.

In regards to your situation then know that it does not mean just because you happen to have had a relationship with this girl that she is the best for you for marriage. If she had relations with you then surely she is capable of having relations with others. You must go to an experienced and reliable scholar and discuss your situation with him and he will advise you best as to what your next steps should be. If he thinks it is best then he may even mediate things between your family and hers but he will know what to do after you tell him properly about your situation.

Therefore follow his advice, treat your mother the best always and NEVER even say "uff" to her and leave all contact and interaction with her immediatley and tell her that you must do things the right way. Ask of Allah to do what is best for you and if you end up marrying her then that is what is best for you but if you don't then Allah has someone better for you so have FULL trust in him and rely upon him for he will do what is right and best for you and we do not know what is best for us.

and Allah knows best in all matters
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cat eyes
06-29-2010, 10:23 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
There's a girl I wanna get married to and I told my family about her. This girl earlier had a fiance but she broke her engagement with him because he hardly cared for her and she was very unhappy with him. My mom knows about this but not the reason for the broken engagement. In my culture, it is highly preferred to have an arranged marriage and if you have a love marriage then eyebrows are raised and so I requested my mom to go and arrange it with the girl's mother. The girl has a tan complexion, not the fairest of women but I still love her and she loves me. These are the only two problems with the girl.

Somehow my Dad supported me and convinced my Mom to go the girl's place to talk to her mother. My mom went there and totally insulted the girl and her mother by talking with them in private, she didn't blast them up but she said the most hurtful things to them in a normal tone.
Humm so she was with another guy before.. there is no such thing as engagements in islam!! love and all that caring and responsibility stuff happens after marriage not before it didn't she know that?

also why on earth do you want to have a full blown argument and cause resentment between you and your mother over a stupid girl?? you need a reality check. we are muslims NOT KAFIRS who treat there mothers like ****. maybe she has her reasons for doing what she did. mothers know a lot more then we think they do.

also you were the very one who got your parents to sort out all this in the first place.its no ones fault only your own.
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Ummu Sufyaan
06-30-2010, 08:52 AM
:sl:
your mum saying those things indicates her dislike and disapproval for the girl which is why she isn't feeling guilty/thinks she hasn't done anything wrong.

what is there about this girl that your mum doesn't like?

forgive me for being intrusive, but your post indicates that you have meddled with the previous engagement of this girl (sorry if this isnt the case). you probably didn't intend to meddle in the way im making it sound, but it none the less reached a point where she broke it off. my point? she wasn't your territory and you had no right doing that. i dont know what you mean by treating her badly, and its a good thing that she did break it off with him if this was really the case, but what you done doesn't make up for it and 2 wrongs don't make a right.

This really fired me up and I behaved very very very rudely with them but to no avail.
no wonder. this isn't the way to get your point across. if i had a son and he did that to me, i'd tell him to say his goodbyes to her. actually, i'd probably do a lot more than that. if anything, it seems that your parents are letting you go easily.

Even now my Mom doesn't have even a shred of regret or guilt in her heart for her crime.
what? dont you think thats being a bit dramatic. do you shred any regret for the way you spoke to your parents?
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