American and Palestinian (Non-Muslim and Muslim) Marriage?

[expatriate]

I apologize if this post illuminates my ignorance of Muslim faith and culture.

I am American woman, I met a Palestinian man on neutral soil (neither of our countries). We fell in love. He is back in his country now. He has asked me to marry him.
I am reading everything online that I can find about middle eastern and american relationships, interfaith relationships, international relationships, etc. There are horror stories and encouraging stories--but mostly it is Christian websites that discourage women from marrying outside the faith. I have very strong values I will not compromise on (integrity, honest, caring, kindness, human equality...) but I am not a strict Christian. Indeed, I fall more into the category of agnostic. He knows this. Culturally, I recognize that I am christian. My family is very devout Christian which I feel would benefit us as they would relate a lot with the Muslim faith. For me, marrying outside of the faith does not matter and I know my family would accept him and his faith.

He is Muslim and says he is not "really" religious--meaning laid back a little I guess. But he certainly believes the Muslim faith and cares about it's guidelines for living. In our relationship on mutually foreign soil, our differences were not a negative issue. I know that when we move to either his country or mine these differences will become very real. More importantly, when we have children I know this will matter in every way.

I was raised in a strict christian setting (very strict) and I do not like an extremely religious environment. I like a more moderate approach to religion outwardly--though I do care about spirituality inwardly. I respect spiritual principles and understand how important faith is to a person. I get it. This is why I am concerned. I understand how deep religion goes inside because of my own upbringing. I am concerned that our religious differences will be too difficult for HIM.

I love him and have fallen in love with him but I will not let my emotions make the most important decision of my life. I have never felt this strongly about anyone. I am seriously in love with him. I am 30 years old and I have never felt this before. I have never been treated with so much respect by a man in my entire life. I know in the United States many women think that Middle Eastern men don't respect women--but from my experience with this man--it is American men who don't respect women. He is such an awesome, friendly, outgoing and caring person.

I am asking him to be patient while we communicate long distance and get to know each other more and more and to ask the difficult questions. To see if we have enough in COMMON to have a happy marriage. To see if we can make a life plan about where we live, how we teach our children, how we respect each others different beliefs, and so on.

My questions for the forum are:

What kinds of questions should I be asking him?

What kinds of questions should he be asking me?

What are the chances that his family will accept me? Even if HE is okay with me--I do not want to marry a person who will be harming their family and isolated from their family because of marrying me. And I will not be decietful with his family about who I am and how we plan to raise our children. I will be polite but I think it is wrong to lie to them. I don't want to lie to them about how we would plan to raise the children. I don't want a marriage built on lies.


Is there space in the Muslim worldview for an inter-faith marriage? Meaning, the couple share religious backgrounds with each other and neither spouse changes their religion.

Is it possible to have "bicultural" children in the Muslim world view? Meaning, children raised understanding the values and cultures of both parents? In other words, the children would not be raised 100% Muslim with no other influences.

(This probably means that the children would be "Liberal Muslim" and less literal Muslim meaning looking at concepts more than literal interpretations. In Christianity, I was raised in a faith that was very orthodox and literal and I prefer a more values/concepts based interpretation of holy books. I recognize that this is potentially offensive to many (perhaps even the man I want to marry!). I have no problem with no pork, no alcohol, halal meats, and *fairly* modest dress. I have no problem learning about the Muslim faith, holy days, culture, foods, customs, etc. I do have a problem with no freemixing. In the United States this would be very difficult for me to abide by. I have many close appropriate male friendships and I believe that men and women can be appropriate friends. Because of my upbringing, I would be a more conservative parent than many Americans. For example, I would not let my daughter go on dates with boys alone. However, once she was 18 years old I would consider it her choice. I feel strongly that the way Muslim men respect women is something I want my daughter to understand. I would consider myself lucky to have this part of Islam in my life. I think if he is not a strict Muslim (which I realize may be an oxymoron to many of you) we can compromise on many things. I would not want alcohol, drugs, pornography, and things like that in the home ever. I would be very invested in teaching the children solid values--perhaps many of which come from Islam. I would WANT them to understand who they were and where their father came from. I would also want them to understand where their mother came from.)

Example of potential problem: If we have a daughter, can she marry a non-muslim man? Since I am American, it would be strange to me to put such a restriction on my child (because I am not Muslim). I get it if everyone is Muslim. But why would I tell my daughter she could not marry a man like my brothers?


How happy are Muslim people who live in the United States from what anyone has heard? (We have discussed moving there but I worry that he will not be happy in such a different environment.) What level of discrimination to people face?

I recognize that falling in love is transitory and that it is not a reason to marry. Even though I have never felt so strongly about anyone in my life I am prepared to walk away for the happiness of us both if necessary. Thank you so much for helping me to understand more about the Muslim faith and responding to me. I am doing a lot of internet research, but I feel that talking with real people is the most accurate way to get answers.

[جوري]

Many Muslims marry 'people of the book' I think you both are best at judging how well this will work out for you..

I think talking about children the marriage of those children is way pre-mature for now, can you even guarantee that you'll be able to bare children or what the sex of that child will be to jump the gun on the marriage of this female child? Or whether the child will conform to your liberal ways and not come out as a devout Muslim or a devout satanist? Try to take this one step at a time, overwhelming yourself is sure to put an end to this marriage before it even starts..

and thus I wish you the best...

[Asiyah3]

Peace Expatriate,
Do you believe in Allah's existence?

[PouringRain]

From what it sounds like, you seem to both be at similar places in your spirituality/ religiosity. That is a good thing, imo, compatible. You asked what questions you should ask, and I think those questions would be questions that any person should ask. Things like how you plan to raise your children, if any, especially considering it is an interfaith marriage. If you both discuss things and are willing to reach compromises, then I don't see where there should be a problem. The problems occur when one spouse marries another, expecting that the other will change after marriage (and the one who changes is the one with the false expectations). Is he okay with you having male friends, and if so, will he still be okay with it after marriage? Those types of things are important to discuss. Also, even if he says he will be okay with it after marriage, it is impossible for one to really know, and he may find after marriage that he is not okay with it. Right now, from a distance, it is easy to think that one might be fine with something, but when the two of you are together and reality hits, he may experience feelings that he did not anticipate. As you both plan to go forward with this, I also think it would be best to each visit each other's places of residence (country of residence) on more than one location before "tying the knot." You mentioned that you haven't decided yet if you will move there or if he will move to where you are. This will not only give you both the opportunity to experience each others culture/ hometown/ family, but also will allow you each to see how the other is in familiar/unfamiliar surroundings.

All the best! Let us know how it turns out. :)

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[expatriate]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

I laughed at the comment about me worrying about a daughter I don't even have 20 years down the road.....Point well taken. I'm not a person who likes to make mistakes so it is natural for me to play out the full scenario before I jump in. But I agree--you can't know what a child will believe. It would be totally fine with me if my children followed another faith. It is most important to me that they are happy and have strong values. And as a parent, that they witness a healthy and loving marriage.

Do I believe in Allah? Probably not in the sense that I am supposed to. As I said, I have very strong values but I haven't literally believed much of religion for a long time. That said, I don't literally believe in God--as in a person, male or female. I am also not as hardlined as most atheists. I believe in feeling as well as science. I believe that people have mystical experiences that are real. I find myself believing in fate even though my own intellect laughs at me for it. I believe in ethics which are not based only on logic but on the heart. The god I believe? I believe god is the word we use for love. A force of love. A force of hope. It is always there. Incidentally, I don't believe in Satan (I have no idea of the Muslim concept or non-concept of evil. For me evil is what happens when people go against their compassion for themselves, for others and for the earth. I have seen this evil and it is terrible--but for me it is attributed to an inner lack as opposed to an non-earthly pull.

I have been reading a lot about the Muslim faith and trying to understand the difference between the Christian God and the Muslim Allah. At first glace, at least, the two figures do not appear to be conceptualized in the same way. I don't mean that it isn't all one god--but that the traditions frame the nature of god differently.

[N1LOY]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

I laughed at the comment about me worrying about a daughter I don't even have 20 years down the road.....Point well taken. I'm not a person who likes to make mistakes so it is natural for me to play out the full scenario before I jump in. But I agree--you can't know what a child will believe. It would be totally fine with me if my children followed another faith. It is most important to me that they are happy and have strong values. And as a parent, that they witness a healthy and loving marriage.

Do I believe in Allah? Probably not in the sense that I am supposed to. As I said, I have very strong values but I haven't literally believed much of religion for a long time. That said, I don't literally believe in God--as in a person, male or female. I am also not as hardlined as most atheists. I believe in feeling as well as science. I believe that people have mystical experiences that are real. I find myself believing in fate even though my own intellect laughs at me for it. I believe in ethics which are not based only on logic but on the heart. The god I believe? I believe god is the word we use for love. A force of love. A force of hope. It is always there. Incidentally, I don't believe in Satan (I have no idea of the Muslim concept or non-concept of evil. For me evil is what happens when people go against their compassion for themselves, for others and for the earth. I have seen this evil and it is terrible--but for me it is attributed to an inner lack as opposed to an non-earthly pull.

I have been reading a lot about the Muslim faith and trying to understand the difference between the Christian God and the Muslim Allah. At first glace, at least, the two figures do not appear to be conceptualized in the same way. I don't mean that it isn't all one god--but that the traditions frame the nature of god differently.

A little knowledge of science makes man an atheist, but an in-depth study of science makes him a believer in God.