format_quote Originally Posted by
luvAllah
Salaam brother,
thank you so much for your advice. My idah is not over yet, I still have 2 more months. Brother I live in a small town and I don't know any scholars so is there any way you can direct me to some. At this moment I don't wanna give up but my heart is broken into million pieces. I feel as if he was never happy and wanted a way out and I made it easy for him. Subxaanallah I feel so much pain from all of this and how my husband and elders all blaming me as if this was something I did out on my own, me and him both agreed for me to get the birth control even I told him if he doesn't want me to I won't but we had a consensual agreement and it was something that we were both happy with but I am the one that gets the blame and allah only knows the pain I suffered from that thing. With all am going through I still want to save my marriage and he doesn't and am so confused of weather he actually ever loved me as his wife and our family. So brother I want to give it another try with the help of a scholar so please direct me to one if you can!!!
Al hamdulillah you’re still within your idah period. Yet I’m worried about raising your hopes after reading that your husband wasn’t happy anyway. May I ask why you feel your husband wasn’t happy? Do you mean he was unhappy all along, or he became unhappy after the contraception started affecting your moods? What is his behaviour toward your child like? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. But it will help understand your situation.
If you give your location ukhti, myself or someone else might be able to put you in touch with a scholar/imam close to you. Also is there a pious and knowledgeable person you know who can act as an arbitrator between you both? If there is please appoint that person to talk to your husband and remind him that divorce is the most hateful thing in the eyes of Allah, and should only be exercised when it becomes impossible to live together – and that is AFTER every attempt to fix the marriage has been exhausted.
Finally sister, please don’t mind what I’m going to say next. It’s as hard for you to hear as it is for me to say. And please don’t think even for a second that I’m saying that somehow all this must be your fault. Astaghfirullah, I’m not. I’m saying it because once I had to ask myself the same question when my marriage was heading toward divorce. That question was, “Is it something I’m doing that is causing my husband to be the way he is?” I had to put myself under the microscope and see what faults I might find that could be contributing to how he treats me. When it wasn’t apparent to me, I asked him instead. Hamdulillah, he said it was nothing I was doing. But had he said anything, I would’ve stopped that thing immediately. Although our marriage did not recover, I feel satisfied that I did not do anything that directly resulted in its breakdown. So my sister, it’s good to ask our self this question, just to make sure that our actions aren’t the cause for marital disharmony, and to have the chance to fix things. Some people don’t say it but they let small things they don’t like fester inside until they spoil and become poisonous. I suggest you also ask your husband and if there is anything about you that makes him unhappy. Tell him to tell you as you want to change whatever he is unhappy with. And if he gives you the chance, then show him you meant it.
Al hamdulillah, there is still hope sis. So please don’t delay in doing whatever you can. Include lots of voluntary ibadah in your efforts and make lots of dua. If you want to cry and beg, then do it. Don’t let pride hold you back. Show your husband in every way you can how much you love him and want to save this marriage. Btw, where is your husband now? You should be living under the same roof until after the idah is over. You are in the first stage of divorce, but you are still his wife and have all the rights of one. The first two divorces are revocable. It is only after the third you become non mahram for each other. So use your rights wisely, and find a practicing muslim to intervene on your behalf. May Allah set your affairs in order dear sis. I really feel for you. : (
wa alaykum assalam