Update on my life

[gs450la]

:sl:

Hope everyone is doing well and wanted to wish everyone a blessed Ramadan Mubarak!

I also wanted to look for my previous post, but decided I would just make a new thread to update everyone.
I finished my MCAT and got my result recently, it wasn't so good and I am going to have to retake in September 2nd.

My sister has been having days where she is more forgiving/nice but she wants something in return. She has started to at least listen to me sometimes and let me do some of the errands my 51 year old dad does (so that is a relief for his health). However, her angry and violent behavior still remains and we are trying to get her into counseling. She refuses to go the school that is near our house and says she will be homeschooled if she doesn't get to go where she wants. She still uses violent profanity and is very anxious unsecure whenever she is asked any question. She continues to spend a majority of time in her room and is disrespectful to mom and dad. She has said that she is no longer a believer in Islam and no longer wants to go to sunday school/fast during Ramadan. (THIS SCARES ME SO MUCH) it scares my parents as well, but she is at the stage, where saying soemthing to her 20 times would have no effect. my parents are even frightened of her (the damage she will do, threats of suicide, running away) so they can't reprimand her for anything. In honesty, she runs our house (she demands food at 2AM in the morning, she gets it from dad), water in her room, clothes washed at 12 AM by my dad. We fear her for her actions and under US law, she can practically kill us and get away with it ( she has tried to stab me twice and has severely beaten my 9 year old brother, my father and mother). She calls my mom and dad a B*tch, and uses the F-word and constant profanity all the time. She is constantly threatening to bust our walls/doors, break our electronics and has vandalized our homes many times whenever we say "No".

If we call the police, she will say that we are hard Pakistani parents and are trying to raise her in a strict Muslim environment when that is not the case. She knows she can milk my dad for anything (seriously!) because he is afraid of her actions and doesn't want to see her unhappy. She doesn't even care that we are fasting. So we are in a huge dilemma. She needs psychiatric care/counseling immediately, but it is a challenge getting her to go. Please pray that she gets the help she needs. School starts September 7th and she will physically refuse to go the school that she is placed in next year. So my dad might have to quit his failing business to work at home with her, I'm praying that doesn't happen.

My mom has had enough and says that my dad made her bad and she can't deal with anymore stress. They have been fighting for the past two years over my sister and now she has had enough and can't take it anymore. She says he has given her confidence and power to rule and divide the house. He never helped in discipling her an chose the easy way out by spoiling her. She has now devleped anxiety and insecurity about herself because of this. I found out the other day that she has been having an affair with another man as my father is now pretty much my sister's slave and she has no companionship as I am busy. I saw her text messages and heard a phone conversation. I was crushed and I know it is wrong and haraam, but she says it is not my business. It really hurts though. She says that her marriage to my dad is over because he is a controlling and different person than her and she wants to part ways. She has also been getting expensive procedures to make her look younger and thinner.

My dad is stressed out enough over my sister and also found out that my mom is having an affair. he has not confronted her about it, but she has been abusive and cold to him. He says he has had enough and he can't deal with my mom after 22 years. They both want to divorce and part ways. A big part of me says that this will be good for us as it will get rid of the fighting that goes on ( I might be able to focus on studying, my 9 y.o. brother might be able to escape). She says that he has cost her daughter and destroyed her. He says that my sister was mentally unstable because of my mom.

My mom has totally lost it though, she says she just wants to focus on her life and wants to spend money on making herself feel better. Her mom had the stroke about a month ago and is healing very slowly and with a lot of pain, but she just wants to focus on herself and her aesthetic treatments/procedures.

Our business is financially suffering because of all this stress. My dad is spending less time on it because he is always trapped with these antics. His health has suffered, everyone's mental health has suffered because of this stress. He says he wants to sell our home because the payments are too high and we can't get a re-finance on our home. He just wants to divorce my mom and lead a separate life. My mom wants the same and I think it would be good. I am just worried about how much more this will destroy my sister psychologically.

I am so miserable and stressed right now. My parents are both hard-working immigrants from Pakistan who came here 15 years ago with dreams, now everyting is falling apart. They are both in their 50's and all the savings and work they have put into life is coming to an end. It is very heartbreaking. Right across the street, there is another guy who has half the education my parents do, a bigger house for less money than what we originally paid and he seems to be enjoying life every day. He seems to be minting money (playing music loud, and enjoying every possible ammenity). It makes me think that some people are just born with luck in their future.

I appreciate those du'as and advice on my situation. I honestly don't know what to do. I am 20 years old, but feel like a little child after dealing with all the stress. I hope that not even my worst enemy has to deal with this as it seems so overwhelming. I almost wish I could turn back the hands of time, but that is impossible to do.

Thanks and best regards,
Ehsan

P.S. sorry for typos, I am very tired at the moment and just need to vent.

[aadil77]

I thought your sister was just one of them rude and ill mannered kids, but it sounds like she has actually lost her mind. Why let your family break up because of her, get authorities involved and throw her into a mental institute. Stop fearing the police like typical desi's, the worse (best) that will happen is that she'll get taken away. How old is she now? if she's in her teens I'd pick her up and throw her out the house along with all her belongings, its time you give her some hell, don't let your whole family suffer because of her. If your dad is too sympathetic towards her then sort her out yourself.

About your comment on the guy with the big house - Allah tests every person, that with all his money with not save him from Allahs tests

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

She needs psychiatric care/counseling immediately, but it is a challenge getting her to go.

she doesn't need this. not unless there really is something up...but to me this sounds like an out of control teenager.

So my dad might have to quit his failing business to work at home with her, I'm praying that doesn't happen.

this is what is destroying your family. every thing she demands you give it without asking or without her working for it or earning it.

with due respect, your dad needs to toughen up. i think that is the key to it...any efforts will be useless unless whoever gives her her own way figures out a way on how to subdue her behavior. he needs to use what ever he gives her as "bargaining tools." i think its best if advise him first, rather then trying to change your sister.

what is the relationship with her, as her brother? will she listen to you?

what are the methods your family uses to try stop her behavior? giving her everything she demands will NOT work.

[Snowflake]

:sl: I'm sorry to hear of your troubles brother. I personally don't feel your parent's divorce can damage your sister anymore. I also don't think your sister is to blame for everything. When Islamic teachings are absent from family dynamics and relationships, then we cannot entirely blame one person for their ill conduct.


I don't know why I feel compelled to say this, but it is the Truth. On the Day of Judgement you will accuse your parents of neglect, because on that Day every single human being will be concerned with saving themselves.

Allah, subhana wa ta 'ala says in the Quran, "The Day man will flee from his own brother, his mother, his father, his wife, his children: each of them will be absorbed in concerns of their own on that Day." [Sural al ‘Abasa, 80:34-37]


So my advice to you my brother is to stop letting your family ruin you. I don't know what to tell you to say to your parents. They know their deen, their limits and duties. They are also old enough to know if they have neglected it. But do remind and advise your parents gently, and then leave it. Other than that you are not responsible for the actions of two sane adults. My heart goes out to your siblings and especially your little brother. I understand you feel responsible for their welfare. But to be of any good to them you have to be good to yourself. The environment you're in now isn't healthy for your psychological and mental well being. You need to do two things to be successful in life and inshaAllah change your life around. If that means moving out, then so be it.


1) You need to learn the deen - without the deen there is nothing but destruction and failure.
2) You need a stress free environment to concentrate on your studies for better future prospects.


Then you can be in the position to offer your brother and sister a healthy Islamic environment to live in.But once again, I must add, that at the end of the day, you can only try, but ultimately everyone is responsible for their own actions. So whether you succeed or fail in making a difference to anyone else's life, be sure that you do everything according to Allah and His Rasuls (saw) teachings to succeed in your life in both worlds. I don't know what else to say to be honest. I hope others can give you better advice than I have inshaAllah. May Allah grant you help and ease. Ameen.



:wa:

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[IbnAbdulHakim]

i know someone who has been in your situation for the past 10 years.

and the girls only gotten worse...

I can think of nothing better then seperation.












but ofcourse the family i know has never truelly gone deep into the religion.
If you take the brave steps to change your family, and your environment... then perhaps Allah will change your circumstances.




Honestly... the parents shouldnt have to suffer so much!

[Rhubarb Tart]

salam

Your father should divorce your mother immediately. There is absolutely no excuse for her action and what makes it worse is that she blames it on him! Subhallah! Her action is appalling and a lot worse then what sister has ever done. I don’t why your sister scares your mother so much, when your mother is still continuing the affair. This is a major sin.

I am sorry you have to through this during Ramadan. But I suggest you take yourself away from the situation like sister Scents of Jannah suggested. I think your sister is mentally ill. This is way beyond adolescence phase.

[Alpha Dude]

She's not mentally ill. Just self-absorbed, arrogant and highly pampered. No amount of counselling from 'professionals' is likely to 'cure' this.

InshaAllah she sees sense. I don't think there's much that can be done about her state. Some things in life she will just have to work out for herself the hard way.

May Allah guide everyone in your family and protect the innocent, ameen.

[Danah]

All of what I can say is may Allah ease your life and end your problem with peace. Maybe if they got divorce things will be better, but where your sister will live with?
Your father will keep on spoiling her and obey her orders, so if she will live with him he has to be more serious about it.

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Aslaamu`Alaaykum Brother

I am sorry to hear about your situation esp in the month of Ramadhaan, And Ramadhaan Mubarak to you too.
The best advice i can give you is wake up for Tahajjud Salaah and raise your hands and cry and speak to Allaah as your friend/your companion/your creator to help you through this time of hardship. As ive mentioned before many times in other posts the best believer is who smiles through the time of hardship and i know its really really hard in your situation.

This life is test and we surely will have hardships in life that feel as we cannot deal with it anyone(Allaah does not burden us with what we cannot deal with) but trust in Allaah and dont lose hope for this loadsaaa patient is needed brother. Also you can check my Signature and ill share some Quranic verses.

"If a good befalls you, it grieves them, but if some evil overtakes you, they rejoice at it. But if you remain patient and become Al-Muttaqun (the pious - see V.2:2), not the least harm will their cunning do to you. Surely, Allah surrounds all that they do." [Al Imraan chapter 3 verse 120]

Also Bro
Alllaah says in surah At-Tawbah verse 51
"Say: 'Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us: He is our protector': And on Allah let the Believers put their trust."

In Surah Ash Shu`araa verse 217:"And put thy trust on the exalted in Might, The Merciful."


Allaah also says in Surah Al Baqara verses 155-157

"Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere, Who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return":- They are those on whom (Descend) blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance."

Insha`Allaah they help and if i said anything wrong forgive me and hope you recieve more advice on your parents and how to deal with them inshaAllaah

May Allaah ease your affairs between your family and keep you patient in all situations,Ameen

Wa`Alaaykum Salaam

[gs450la]

:sl:

It always fills my heart with peace whenever I hear from all of you brothers and sisters.

I want to thank you for your dua's, words of advice, and even just taking the time to read my troubles. Perhaps I have sinned before, but I am making every effort possible to be a good and better human being/muslim. I am trying to shed the positivity out to the world as much as possible. I volunteer, pray more regularly, and try to sin as less as possible. I have genuinely made a turn around in my life within the past couple of years due to the troubles.

Now to answer the questions. I wholeheartedly agree that my father has spoiled my sister and her behavior is largely as a result of his actions. He tried to protect her from my mom's strict teachings and gave her "another option" at all times. He gave her food from McDonalds/Rubio's at any time of day and he has made himself her servant. He bought her $100 clothes whenever she wanted. However, now she has gotten so entangled with friends at school that we don't even recognize her (she is always at home with them) that we hardly see her. So we don't know what other influence is around her.

According to my father (who is usually the one who drops/picks her up at her outings), her friends are good and well-mannered, much different from her. They value their education and are "normal" in his eyes. He admits that he has spoiled her, but says he also spoiled me and I didn't turn out that way. He says that she has a genetic mental abnormality that causes her to loose control of her anger, be insecure, and have little confidence. My mom also has the inability to listen to others and she speaks loud/looses control of her anger. My mom is very rude with a majority of the people she comes into contact with and is very lazy. There is a big resemblance between them in a lot of ways (mannerism, voice, inability to listen) so he thinks this is a genetic psychiatric problem. I'm not entirely sure, but I can't just deny the possibility that exists as it is possible.

However, at this stage, even if he tries to (which he has) cut her off of things (she does run away, she grabs a knife and threatens to slit her wrist). Then the police gets her and she says that her parents hit her (which they have in the past). Thus, our problems get even worse.

If this is at all a good thing, she doesn't wear clothes that are overly vulgar. She only wears skinny jeans, because she is a whitewashed pakistani who listens to emo music. She doesn't like Pakistani/Indian food and would prefer Mexican/American food so maybe that has to do with it. She just tries to disassociate from our culture/religion as much as possible. Last year, she would at least fast, now not at all. She is also a tom-boy and buys boys clothing (has more friends that are boys as well). Maybe this is a result of a closer connection with dad, and very minimal contact with mom?

The reason I mentioned my neighbor is that he is also a fellow Pakistani Muslim (from a similar background) and he and his wife drink, use profanity and wear vulgar clothes yet it seems they have everything that we need. My parents are always fighting because the outside lights don't work, the sprinkler spills water to the car, or something or the other. This also contributes to unrest in the house. Because my mom (who hardly lifts a finger) curses my dad and says he doesn't do a thing in the house.

We are honestly always fighting and I think counseling would help. But you guys are right, that no matter how much I try, the decision to change will be others, not mine. I can only help myself. Please pray that I am able to do so. My grandmother just seems to be getting sicker. My mom, in addition to having the affair (which just ended) is facing criminal charges for assaulting a few individuals. School starts september 7th for my siblings, I am worried about the hell my sister will put my dad through. Honestly, I love my dad in spite of what has happened and I want to be a good son and help him as much as possible. If I knew he would be alright, I would have no issue going and leaving all on my own.

to Muslimah, thanks for the verses, I will read more into them as I have time.

Are there any types of special dua's I should make during ramadan? I have been so busy I didn't get a chance to pray taraweeh at masjid yesterday...so I will just pray at home today.

Also, are these hakim's like Khan Baba, worth trying? Maybe they can make a special dua or a potion of some sort for my sister ( I know it sounds crazy!) But I thought I would ask..

Thanks,
Ehsan

[cat eyes]

:sl: sorry to hear about this brother but your sister is mentally ill and she needs help as soon as possible before she does any harm to herself and others.

i disagree with the members who say she does not need any help SHE DOES this is not normal behaviour for a young girl her age.

the fact that she wants to be alone is a clear sign of depression. alarm bells should be ringing here

the way she gets angry and stuff.

i think you should take this to a scholar inshallah about your parents.
:wa:

[Alpha Dude]

Are there any types of special dua's I should make during ramadan? I have been so busy I didn't get a chance to pray taraweeh at masjid yesterday...so I will just pray at home today.

Brother, your post is full of pain. May Allah make things easy for you, ameen. Make dua at the time of iftar, there's a greater chance of acceptance at that time.

[Alpha Dude]

As Scents of Jannah mentioned, there are fundamental problems in the household that stem from the lack of regard your parents show for Islam. InshaAllah we can all see the importance in raising pious children.

this is not normal behaviour for a young girl her age.

Agreed that this is not normal behaviour yet I don't think this is an illness as such. Allah knows best whether any counselling by psych would benefit. Kids these days are too smart, they'll just twist and use everything the psych says somehow for their own gain.

Then again, maybe it is an illness? Perhaps she has the 'spoilt brat' syndrome. :)

[Snowflake]

:sl: I agree with sis cat eyes. There is something much much deeper going on with your sister than just being spoilt. Spoilt children do not threaten others with knives. The worst they do is shout and throw child-like tantrums to get their own way. Your father, mother and sister seem to be triangle. The reasons for each of their behaviour seems to be linked to the other. Something is bothering your sister, and the only way she feels she can deal with it is to lash out and create situations that aren't normal. Maybe because she can't identify with normality. She is still a kid in many ways and we can't blame her alone. She need professional help.

As for your parents, please consider this verse.. Allah subhana ta 'ala says in the Quran: "Believing men and believing women are the protecting friends of each other: they enjoin right and they forbid wrong." Qur`an 9/71

The Prophet (saw) said, "When you see an evil act stop it with your hand. If you can't, then speak out against it with your tongue. If you can't, then at least hate it with all your heart. And this is the weakest of faith." Sahih Muslim, Book 1, Number 79


This beautiful verse and hadith applies to us regardless of what our relationship is with another muslim is. We must also tell our parents when they are wrong - when they transgress the limits set by Allah subhana wa ta 'ala. We must tell them because we want to save them from Allah's punishment and displeasure. Not to humiliate them. You must also call them to learn the religion and stress to them the importance of implementing it in their lives. Normally Islam instructs us to advise others with kindness. However I don't know if you are allowed to be a bit more stern with your own mother with regards to her conduct. I am not saying your mother committed adultery as in physically. Astaghfirullah. Only Allah knows that. But if a woman goes out wearing perfume where non mahrams will be able to smell her perfume is considered as an adulteress act then you can imagine the seriousness of this matter. Again you must be firm in your advice, and certainly not try to justify her behaviour by blaming circumstances. You should also enlighten your father as to what he is supposed to do when he knows his wife is engaging in lewd behaviour. This is not from me. But from Allah, exalted be He, in the Quran.

..Wa allaatiy takhaafoona nushoozahunna fa'idhoohunna wahjuroohunna fiy al-madhaaji'i wadhriboohunna fa in ata'nakum falaa tabghoo 'alaihinna sabeelan inna Allaha kaana 'aliyyan kabeeran."
(...And (as for) those (women) from whom you anticipate rebellion, admonish them, avoid them in the sleeping place and hit them. If they obey you, do not desire and further way to (harm) them. Surely, Allah is Knowing, Great.) An-Nisaa:34

Now that you have done what Allah commanded, start thinking about yourself. Moving out doesn't mean you cannot still care of your father. Your father may seem old to you, but he isn't. He is only 51. Please stop feeling responsible for something they have brought upon themselves. When we make mistakes, you can be sure life will teach us lesson we will never forget. No person or teacher can do that job better. So advise and then let everyone deal with their mistakes themselves. Wallahi, I'm not being harsh. I don't know how else to say all this. But please forgive me if I've unintentionally hurt your feelings. Think about yourself, your deen, future and akhirah brother. Fulfil the rights of your parents. But don't destroy your life. Islam doesn't require that from you. May Allah be with you.


wa alaykum assalam.

[Snowflake]

Are there any types of special dua's I should make during ramadan? I have been so busy I didn't get a chance to pray taraweeh at masjid yesterday...so I will just pray at home today.

Also, are these hakim's like Khan Baba, worth trying? Maybe they can make a special dua or a potion of some sort for my sister ( I know it sounds crazy!) But I thought I would ask..

You can make dua to Allah anyhow you like brother. Whatever words you beseech your Creator with, He listens and answers. Just make dua as it comes form your heart inshaAllah.

But be wary about going to anyone who gives taweez and the like. Allah is yours and mine as much as He is anyone else's. If we weren't dear to Allah he wouldn't give us the right to worship Him. salah is the greatest form of worship and Allah has given all of us that right. Then why not the right to ask for His help?

As Scents of Jannah mentioned, there are fundamental problems in the household that stem from the lack of regard your parents show for Islam. InshaAllah we can all see the importance in raising pious children.
Agreed that this is not normal behaviour yet I don't think this is an illness as such. Allah knows best whether any counselling by psych would benefit. Kids these days are too smart, they'll just twist and use everything the psych says somehow for their own gain.
Then again, maybe it is an illness? Perhaps she has the 'spoilt brat' syndrome. :)

Allahu alam brother. I reckon there's something more because I've seen young girl's behaving exactly the same and worse, but when they were given counselling all sorts of things came out that no one had ever guessed might be the problem. Whatever it is, we pray to Allah to give this family understanding of the deen. Ameen.

[Muhammad]

Assalaamu Alaykum brother,

I'm sorry that I cannot reply to your post in detail at this moment, but I am very sad to hear of the extreme difficulties you are going through. I just wanted to comment on this part:

Also, are these hakim's like Khan Baba, worth trying? Maybe they can make a special dua or a potion of some sort for my sister ( I know it sounds crazy!) But I thought I would ask..

I'm not sure what kind of 'hakim' you are referring to, but by the sounds of it, you must stay away from such people. Do not place your complete trust in any human being because only Allaah (swt) has the power to change things, and Allaah (swt) commands us to ask Him for what we need, not rely on others to be sort of 'middle-men' - this paves the way for corruption of the pure Tawheed that Islam teaches. In addition to du'aa, one idea is to try and recite Qur'an over your sister because problems like black magic and the evil eye are cured in this way, not by using 'potions' made by people claiming to have special powers. But getting your sister's cooperation will probably be difficult...

Insha'Allaah I will try to provide more information later, unless someone else does so first.

May Allaah (swt) rectify the affairs of your family and guide you all, Aameen.

[gs450la]

:sl:

Thank you all for your insight. I think my sister's problem is psychological. It is not at the stage anymore where we can accomplish anything by just being blunt and straightforward with her. We have to sugar-coat things now. I hope the problem can be remediated with counseling. We have to be very tactful with her.

I must get back to studying now and I will continue to make dua's. I will also be hoping for your dua's and will pray for all of us. I hope allah (SWT) showers blessing on all of you.

However, I have read the responses, and once I have time I will try to see more.

Hope Ramadan is going well for everyone thus far!

Regards,
Ehsan

[Ummu Sufyaan]

^is she insecure? other than your family problems, does she have any other personal issues going on? maybe your family problems are simply a way which she express her real troubles...i mentioned this in your other thread, but your whole family environment, what is it like? is it violent/aggressive/unpeaceful? what is her relationship with your parents? i think both extremes from your parents are affecting/confusing her. everything needs to be considered and looked at in relation and in proportion with one another.

i think her behavior is a whole lot of things just added up into one disastrous problem. as people mentioned, there needs to be some sort of Islamic environment happening.

[aadil77]

theres a limit to how much disrespect parents should tolerate, your sister has crossed that limit more than enough times

you should kick her out now - cause she's gonna walk out anyway once she's independant enough, save yourself the trouble and get rid of her now

[Hamza Asadullah]

:sl:

Hope everyone is doing well and wanted to wish everyone a blessed Ramadan Mubarak!

I also wanted to look for my previous post, but decided I would just make a new thread to update everyone.
I finished my MCAT and got my result recently, it wasn't so good and I am going to have to retake in September 2nd.

My sister has been having days where she is more forgiving/nice but she wants something in return. She has started to at least listen to me sometimes and let me do some of the errands my 51 year old dad does (so that is a relief for his health). However, her angry and violent behavior still remains and we are trying to get her into counseling. She refuses to go the school that is near our house and says she will be homeschooled if she doesn't get to go where she wants. She still uses violent profanity and is very anxious unsecure whenever she is asked any question. She continues to spend a majority of time in her room and is disrespectful to mom and dad. She has said that she is no longer a believer in Islam and no longer wants to go to sunday school/fast during Ramadan. (THIS SCARES ME SO MUCH) it scares my parents as well, but she is at the stage, where saying soemthing to her 20 times would have no effect. my parents are even frightened of her (the damage she will do, threats of suicide, running away) so they can't reprimand her for anything. In honesty, she runs our house (she demands food at 2AM in the morning, she gets it from dad), water in her room, clothes washed at 12 AM by my dad. We fear her for her actions and under US law, she can practically kill us and get away with it ( she has tried to stab me twice and has severely beaten my 9 year old brother, my father and mother). She calls my mom and dad a B*tch, and uses the F-word and constant profanity all the time. She is constantly threatening to bust our walls/doors, break our electronics and has vandalized our homes many times whenever we say "No".

If we call the police, she will say that we are hard Pakistani parents and are trying to raise her in a strict Muslim environment when that is not the case. She knows she can milk my dad for anything (seriously!) because he is afraid of her actions and doesn't want to see her unhappy. She doesn't even care that we are fasting. So we are in a huge dilemma. She needs psychiatric care/counseling immediately, but it is a challenge getting her to go. Please pray that she gets the help she needs. School starts September 7th and she will physically refuse to go the school that she is placed in next year. So my dad might have to quit his failing business to work at home with her, I'm praying that doesn't happen.

My mom has had enough and says that my dad made her bad and she can't deal with anymore stress. They have been fighting for the past two years over my sister and now she has had enough and can't take it anymore. She says he has given her confidence and power to rule and divide the house. He never helped in discipling her an chose the easy way out by spoiling her. She has now devleped anxiety and insecurity about herself because of this. I found out the other day that she has been having an affair with another man as my father is now pretty much my sister's slave and she has no companionship as I am busy. I saw her text messages and heard a phone conversation. I was crushed and I know it is wrong and haraam, but she says it is not my business. It really hurts though. She says that her marriage to my dad is over because he is a controlling and different person than her and she wants to part ways. She has also been getting expensive procedures to make her look younger and thinner.

My dad is stressed out enough over my sister and also found out that my mom is having an affair. he has not confronted her about it, but she has been abusive and cold to him. He says he has had enough and he can't deal with my mom after 22 years. They both want to divorce and part ways. A big part of me says that this will be good for us as it will get rid of the fighting that goes on ( I might be able to focus on studying, my 9 y.o. brother might be able to escape). She says that he has cost her daughter and destroyed her. He says that my sister was mentally unstable because of my mom.

My mom has totally lost it though, she says she just wants to focus on her life and wants to spend money on making herself feel better. Her mom had the stroke about a month ago and is healing very slowly and with a lot of pain, but she just wants to focus on herself and her aesthetic treatments/procedures.

Our business is financially suffering because of all this stress. My dad is spending less time on it because he is always trapped with these antics. His health has suffered, everyone's mental health has suffered because of this stress. He says he wants to sell our home because the payments are too high and we can't get a re-finance on our home. He just wants to divorce my mom and lead a separate life. My mom wants the same and I think it would be good. I am just worried about how much more this will destroy my sister psychologically.

I am so miserable and stressed right now. My parents are both hard-working immigrants from Pakistan who came here 15 years ago with dreams, now everyting is falling apart. They are both in their 50's and all the savings and work they have put into life is coming to an end. It is very heartbreaking. Right across the street, there is another guy who has half the education my parents do, a bigger house for less money than what we originally paid and he seems to be enjoying life every day. He seems to be minting money (playing music loud, and enjoying every possible ammenity). It makes me think that some people are just born with luck in their future.

I appreciate those du'as and advice on my situation. I honestly don't know what to do. I am 20 years old, but feel like a little child after dealing with all the stress. I hope that not even my worst enemy has to deal with this as it seems so overwhelming. I almost wish I could turn back the hands of time, but that is impossible to do.

Thanks and best regards,
Ehsan

P.S. sorry for typos, I am very tired at the moment and just need to vent.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my brothr jazakallahu khayran for sharing your issues with us again. My brother everything you have described about your sister seriously indiciates that she may be possessed. I have seen very similar behaviour from people who have been possessed. You need to urgently get hold of a properly qualified and experienced Islamic Scholar who deals with ruqya and not any old "peer" and at least establish whether or not your sister has any effects from sihr or posession and that way you can at least have some peace of mind that it is definatley not posession. Don't let her know that someone is coming around for the purpose of checking her just let him come in and see her.

Once the scholar comes around your house and sees your sister he will be able to establish straight away whether or not she has any effects of posession. After you have done this then get back to us inshallah

[Alpha Dude]

They need to know this - not only so they can advise you and your family but also so they can have a record/report of your sisters behavior. I think for them to have a record and know the situation would be helpful... especially incase your sister should try taking wrong advantage of the police :ermm:

That's a clever idea.

[gs450la]

:sl:

Thank you all for the replies and advice.

I can only get the help of an islamic scholar if my parents aren't so scared of being "shamed" in the community. However, I will try for that later on.

Tomorrow at noon, there is a meeting at noon between my father, my sister, and a private counselor that I found. My sister admits she has anger issues and she is going under the guise that these issues will be treated. I am hoping and praying that this visit will have some positive effect on her and will make her see that what she is doing is wrong and will develop a level of understanding in her.

School starts September 7th and she thinks that she will get to go the school that she wants (we'll call it school A) because she threw a fit in front of the school counselor. But that school is full, and she will have to attend the school that is literally in front of our house (school B). Yet she says she will "die" before she attends school B or gets separated from her friends. She will go for homeschooling before she goes to school B. She has even listed School A on her facebook page as the Class of 2014. So it will be a huge mental shock for her when she realizes she can't go to school A. My father knew that she would be going to school B since june, but still never told her because he said he wanted to avoid a fight.

A big part of me hates my father for what he has done to my sister. I know it's wrong for me to feel this way. But my sister could have been a normal, responsible , and sweet girl had he not "babied" and spoiled her all the time. There is always a "back door" for her out of every situation. He can't say "No" I'm fasting, I can't take you today. He can't ask the question, " Who are you visiting?" Why are you buying that $80 jacket? WHy do you wear punk clothes? WHy do you always have to have the volume on MAX at your radio station? Why do you bang the car door? Why do you always cuss ( say f*ck, c*nt, b*ch,etc.) He never enforced any rules on her, and then my mom just gave in as well. She maintained a good relationship with my dad because he always gave her the option to do whatever the hell she pleased. He just says that this is the only way to "save " her as if she isn't listened to, she will committ suicide. He says counseling might make things a little better, but she is a serious mental patient. I am afraid she will end up killing him one day if she doesn't get better.

In January 2010, my dad had to leave for Pakistan for 2 weeks. THus mom was the only authority in the house. Things were a lot better between mom and my sister, they would bond more and talk more. I honestly feel as though my sister had a better demeanor when mom was around. Now she calls mom a B*tch whenever my mom asks for simple things. What i wouldn't give to go back 5 years... Alas, we can never go back in time. Time gone never comes back no matter how much you want it to.

I know in my heart that if my dad worked to his full potential (which he did prior to November 2007-when my sister really got bad), he could be very successful and happy. Perhaps he could have spent a little more time with my mom who is also going through menopause.

Honestly, I'm in my room studying all day ( for my MCAT on 09/02/2010) and I don't feel like coming down for iftar because my parents will fight or there will be some sort of obscenity coming out of my sisters mouth. I just pray to allah (swt) from the bottom of my heart that my sister gets better, she assimiliates into the norms of Islam/our culture, and our family problems get better as it is very sour at this point. No matter what happens, I still love my sister and I want her to be successful and a good muslim. I want whatever is bothering her to go away and for her to control her anger.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Also pray that tomorrow the meeting with the counselor will yield good results that will put us in the right direction. I know that if she is untreated/nobody tells her the wrongs of her ways, she will eventually really go away from this family and not associate with us at all. It is already painful enough that she is either in her room, outside, or away from us whenever we go anywhere.

I pray that alllah(SWT) blesses everyone with happiness, wealth and peace, iA.

Blessings,
Ehsan

[Alpha Dude]

:sl: Brother do you recite quran in the house? Try make a routine where you recite it at least for half an hour a day with an audible voice. I just feel it might be a good step toward encouraging your sister.

[gs450la]

:sl: Brother do you recite quran in the house? Try make a routine where you recite it at least for half an hour a day with an audible voice. I just feel it might be a good step toward encouraging your sister.

:wa:

Thanks for the advice. I will try to read more regularly. However, she is hardly ever at home because she is at a social outing with her friends (movies, dinner, etc.). But I will still try to re-arrange things so that I can do it while she is around.

Today she had the meeting with the counselor and the counselor said that there was a problem that is complicated and she said she will refer her to someone else. When the issue of school came up she said there is no way she is going to go the school that is near our home...non-negotiable! She didn't even listen to the counselor saying that there is budget cuts, etc. so that is why she was not allowed to go the school of her choice....she just won't accept reality and this is largely in part to my dad "babying" her too much.

I just pray that she will change and peace will come to our house.

Back to studying! Less than 2 weeks before mCAT date and I have to do well this time.

Please continue to make dua for me and my family.

Jazakallah,
Ehsan

[Danah]

^ may Allah ease your exam for you and may you do much better this time.

May Allah ease your family affairs, guide your sister and grant you all peace and happiness at home

[Snowflake]

^Ameen thumma ameen ya Rabbil alamiin subhana Allahil adheem

[gs450la]

:sl:

Dear Bros and Sisters,

Hope Ramadan is going great and all of you are being blessed this season.

Not much has really changed. We are trying to find a Marriage Family Therapist that is affordable for my sister. The counselor we saw suggested that we found one.

School starts on Tuesday (09/07/10) and she is trying to scream at the top of her lungs and is making all sorts of threats. Her transfer to the school she wants got denied and she is trying to get us to talk to the superintendent to reverse it. The school she wants is full and due to budget cuts they can't accomodate her since it is not her home school.

She says she will not go to any other school other than she wants and will get homeschooled with my father having to quit her job. Man this weekend is really going to be stressful.

Looks like my parents are finally headed with the divorce direction as well. The school mess and my sister's drama is really going to intensify things!

Please pray for us....I don't even know what I want as a resolution to all of this. I just hope that my sister realizes that she needs to accept reality and she can't just use profane words (b*t*h, f***, etc.) when talking to her parents and others. It is really difficult at this stage though.


Aside from reading the quran, and praying, any special dua I can make?
Best,
Ehsan

[gs450la]

:sl:

Dear Brothers and Sisters,
School starts tomorrow and she is still giving us trouble. She wants my dad to fight with the district office to allow her to turn over her request. Because she "can't live without her friends"

Please pray for us!

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
Don't give in. let her scream and kick about all she wants. just ignore it...she needs to know who is boss. tell your dad not to listen.

what im getting at, is no matter how extreme ones personality may be, there is always some way or another you can get through to them. with your dad, since he is the one who gives her her own way, if he turns around and stands up to her (it doesn't have to be in manner where he is shouting at her as maybe the impression im giving, but just merely being firm and persistent and not giving in, should do the trick). this will "shock" her since it isnt something she is used to.

what will she do if she doesn't get her own way? she's too young to have any money to change schools right, so she will have no choice anyway.


things are going hay wire becuase there is no leadership.

once she actually listens, take the time out and sit and talk with her becuase there could really be something wrong and that wouldn't be fair or right to leave it ignored.

if she doesn't go to the school she wants still be fair and let her see her friends still. friends are important and so is socializing. by you letting her see her friends despite that the fact that she isn't going to the same school as them, will show that 1) you don't mean to abuse your authority over her (as she may be taking it) and 2) if she shows she is being "rewarded" she will be inclined/compelled to listen to anything else you may tell her.

so basically, by giving her what she wants in return for her giving you what you want, it shows that you are being fair and then that's when she is likely to listen.

but like i said first she needs to take you/her dad seriously. if she sees he doesn't care, she wont either.

[gs450la]

:wa:

Thank you all for your dua's. Well I suppose the worst that could happen actually happened today.

She woke up at 8 AM to go with my dad to the districts office and to try to talk to them/beg them to let her go to El Dorado. The director was not there at that time and told them to come back at 1:30 PM.

My dad came back home with my sister as he had to go to work. School starts at 8:25 on Monday at her new school. However, she refused to go at all costs and felt sleepy. So she went to sleep and laid in her bed. My mom had to go to work as well but she was angry that my sister did not go to school. She called the district office and told them about the situation.

Apparently, in the US it is ILLEGAL for a child to not be enrolled and attending a school unless other arrangements are made. When they found out she did not attend school they got furious and brought a police officer to our home at around 10:20 AM. The police officer went up to her room and told her she had five minutes to come down.

My sister was crying and complaining to my dad and said she didn't want to go. But she was forced to go and she still started to cry when she was at the school. She didn't take her back pack with her so that means she won't be doing any homework/bringing any home.

When my dad found out that she was taken with the police. He was furious and said it was my mom's fault. He started to drive to the school and went to speak to the principal. He told them he would sue the school for bringing a policeman to get his daughter from his home.

The principal said that my sister had been sad and depressed all day and that she was sitting and not talking to others during lunch. My sister is used to getting what she wants all the time and I think she was optimistic/hoping that she would be able to get her way this time. She is extremely angry and i don't know if this will have a good effect on her.

We are trying to find therapy ASAP. I blame my father in my heart for spoiling her but I can see things through his perspective.

Please pray for us, I think the worse has happened. School ends in a little bit and my dad is going to pick her up. I don't know what we will do tomorrow. Please pray for my sister that she understands what is reality.

Thanks,
Ehsan

[gs450la]

:sl:
Don't give in. let her scream and kick about all she wants. just ignore it...she needs to know who is boss. tell your dad not to listen.

what im getting at, is no matter how extreme ones personality may be, there is always some way or another you can get through to them. with your dad, since he is the one who gives her her own way, if he turns around and stands up to her (it doesn't have to be in manner where he is shouting at her as maybe the impression im giving, but just merely being firm and persistent and not giving in, should do the trick). this will "shock" her since it isnt something she is used to.

what will she do if she doesn't get her own way? she's too young to have any money to change schools right, so she will have no choice anyway.


things are going hay wire becuase there is no leadership.

once she actually listens, take the time out and sit and talk with her becuase there could really be something wrong and that wouldn't be fair or right to leave it ignored.

if she doesn't go to the school she wants still be fair and let her see her friends still. friends are important and so is socializing. by you letting her see her friends despite that the fact that she isn't going to the same school as them, will show that 1) you don't mean to abuse your authority over her (as she may be taking it) and 2) if she shows she is being "rewarded" she will be inclined/compelled to listen to anything else you may tell her.

so basically, by giving her what she wants in return for her giving you what you want, it shows that you are being fair and then that's when she is likely to listen.

but like i said first she needs to take you/her dad seriously. if she sees he doesn't care, she wont either.

:wa:

Thank you for the response sister. I agree with you and I have been given this advice thousands of times.

But the main obstacle that I have is my father...he refuses to see her in pain and crying. He thinks she is a mental nutcase/and is doomed for mental failure the same way my mom is.

He says that if she doesn't get what she wants-she will committ suicide. He also says that he is just waiting for her to mature and be with her friends from school so that when she starts college, she will be able to live on her own.

This is all such a nightmare honestly...I'm not even kidding. I have never had to deal with something so stressful and heartbreaking in my whole entire life. I wouldn't even wish this misery/pain on my worst enemy. :exhausted

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
^ you cant advise your father? perhaps you need to get the the issue as to why he is like this and work from there.

i've seen parents who are afraid to disciplinary their child for reasons such as fear that they are being too harsh, or that the child has had something happen to him/her (eg an illness) and so the parent/s feel more attached/concerned over them.

is she the only girl in the family? is she the youngest? perhaps he saw his own paretns being to harsh on him and sisters and so affected him. i've seen this happen as well where the father saw his own father being too harsh in discipline....

so what im trying to get at, is that you may need to understand his reasons why and work from there. he may need gentle advising and reminding. it shouldn't be direct because he thinks what he is doing is right, so telling him his parenting needs abit of modifying might offend him (and rightfully/understandably so), but in a way that corresponds and compliments his way of thinking.

[gs450la]

:sl:
^ you cant advise your father? perhaps you need to get the the issue as to why he is like this and work from there.

i've seen parents who are afraid to disciplinary their child for reasons such as fear that they are being too harsh, or that the child has had something happen to him/her (eg an illness) and so the parent/s feel more attached/concerned over them.

is she the only girl in the family? is she the youngest? perhaps he saw his own paretns being to harsh on him and sisters and so affected him. i've seen this happen as well where the father saw his own father being too harsh in discipline....

so what im trying to get at, is that you may need to understand his reasons why and work from there. he may need gentle advising and reminding. it shouldn't be direct because he thinks what he is doing is right, so telling him his parenting needs abit of modifying might offend him (and rightfully/understandably so), but in a way that corresponds and compliments his way of thinking.

:wa:

She is the only girl in the family and the middle child (older boy 20 years old, and 9 year old brother). She 2 months shy of turning 14.

He believes that she has the same mental illness that my mom supposedly has and that she is unable to accept reality. He says that she must be treated nicely in order to get his point across. This is why he sugarcoats everything before talking to her.

We are at a rift as to the school issue. my mom is pressing her to go and she says that if she does not go she will call school authorities/police to focefully take her. On the other hand, my dad says that she is distraught and depressed about not being able to go to the school where her friends attend and says that he will threaten to sue the district in order to get them to comply with their request.

This has gone too far. Man, the unfortunate thing in life is you can't go back 3-4 years and change things....we would have been so much better off.

However, I continue to pray to allah for his mercy and for him to make my sister understand. I just hope that whatever decision we make gives her the best platform for her to be successful and is in her best interest (mentally, physically, etc.)

It is a very challenging time for us! Please pray for us.

Sincerely,
Ehsan

[gs450la]

:sl:

Today she refused to go to school again and there was a mandatory meeting between my parents and the principal/district officials. My mom showed up in her car and my dad had no luck in getting my sister to come. The prinicpal was furious and then tried to call her and persuade her to come. My sister eventually gave in and came there.

At the meeting, they told my parents that today is the third day of school and if she misses any more school due to unexcused absences, she will be labeled a truant and criminal charges will be fined against my parents and my sister. In addition, the District Attorney will be notified. My sister was told loud and clear today that she will not be able to get to go to the school she wanted as it is full. She cried and said she would get herself expelled.

I feel bad for her because I know that it must be difficult having to deal with the fact that you have no friends and don't know anybody in a new high school. All her contacts were at the high school that is full. I am afraid that she might resort to hanging with a rougher crowd and might end up in the wrong hands in the influence of drugs, alcohol, etc.

I just don't know what to do. I am going to comfort her as much as possible, I am just worried her potential and future might not be at jeopardy.

[IslamicRevival]

Mods please delete

[alcurad]

one of the biggest issues here is parents arguing constantly & disrespectfully. children imitate their parents, and the most damage is caused when the parents do not respect each other. this angle can't be really changed without commitment from both, and it's impossible for a child to 'unlearn' that it happened, but it would help immensely if the discord between your parents lessened. don't look for 100% solutions here, just what works. you can facilitate this and should if you want any normalcy to return, as the eldest child you Do have a voice, and and staying cooped up in your room is not going to help, even if it doesn't resolve everything it will help a lot.

secondly a teenager rebelling is quite normal, and IMO her 'problems' are not really all hers. now, dramatic proclamations of suicidal intent are rarely that, rather a cry for help. a person seriously contemplating suicide almost never says it openly, it's mostly an 'in your own head' thing, your sister's emotional outbursts are best dealt with by being firm but kind. this is too fuzzy I know, so for convenience see it this way, humans operate according to a very simple algorithm, the probability of rewarded action being repeated are high, % low for punished action. this varies according to the intensity/affect of the action and severity or type of reward and punishment. the problem here is that your sister is being rewarded fro very negative behavior, the more she 'pushes' the more she's rewarded, this is the crux of the problem, and without getting your dad at least to see this not much will happen.

one possible way of dealing with this could be the financial+emotional angle, your father might be extremely spoiling your sister but surely even he can see that by only rewarding negative behavior she's becoming a liability to the well being of the family, both emotionally and financially, the emotional part of this is easy to explain, the financial part is not just in the expensive things she might buy etc, but the ability of your father to efficiently conduct his business. this last is important, as it serves as a major incentive, and isn't just words of doom, but very real.

to start things have a talk with your dad, tell him that you need to talk to him, and then ease into your points, be as rational and unemotional as you can, and may allah make it easy for you.

[Danah]

May Allah ease your family affairs

Today she refused to go to school again and there was a mandatory meeting between my parents and the principal/district officials. My mom showed up in her car and my dad had no luck in getting my sister to come. The prinicpal was furious and then tried to call her and persuade her to come. My sister eventually gave in and came there.

At the meeting, they told my parents that today is the third day of school and if she misses any more school due to unexcused absences, she will be labeled a truant and criminal charges will be fined against my parents and my sister. In addition, the District Attorney will be notified. My sister was told loud and clear today that she will not be able to get to go to the school she wanted as it is full. She cried and said she would get herself expelled.

I feel bad for her because I know that it must be difficult having to deal with the fact that you have no friends and don't know anybody in a new high school. All her contacts were at the high school that is full. I am afraid that she might resort to hanging with a rougher crowd and might end up in the wrong hands in the influence of drugs, alcohol, etc.

I just don't know what to do. I am going to comfort her as much as possible, I am just worried her potential and future might not be at jeopardy.

at least that might change her a bit toward your parent because she will know that what is happening to her now is something not related to anyone in the family. I hope she will change to better especially when she saw your parent supporting her in her decision to move to that school.

[gs450la]

:sl:

First off, wanted to wish everyone a belated Eid Mubarak! I hope everyone had a wonderful Ramadan and had lots of blessings.

Things, are still tense at home with my sister. My parents were told that since she had missed school she would be a truant as those absences were unexcused. If she missed further school, the district attorney would be involved and criminal charges would be filed against my parents.

Last week, she was refusing to go to school and this week she got sick and missed two days of school. Today, my dad picked her up and she just totally exploded in tears and said she won't go to the school anymore. She will only go to the school that she wants and just won't accept reality. She is totally refusing and says she doesn't care if the police come and file a criminal complaint against my parents. She will go to Juvenile Hall if it comes to that.

This is all very upsetting. I don't think any of you guys will have advice for something of this magnitude as clearly this is psychological and she won't give us one valid reason for not going other than saying that her friends aren't there. She refuses to make new friends nor does she try to interact with those at the school.

This is all so upsetting and depressing. My father seems at the verge of renting an apartment so he can make her go that school and he is very stressed out with everything.

Please make some du'as for us and if there is anything that I can recite to restore the peace in the house (any surah) or anything please let me know. I am doing the best I can, but this is really taking a toll on me and my life.

Thanks,
Ehsan

[gs450la]

:sl:

Hope everyone is doing well...just thought I'd drop in an update on how things are going. A big thanks to everyone for all the prayers and thoughts/advice.

My dad begged my sister to go to school last week and she agreed as long as he would do something. He took her and my little brother to the bay area to meet with cousins as well as his brother and sister in law to see if they would be able to convince her. My sister still refused.

On Monday, my dad finally had enough of begging her and getting her ready each and every morning. He rented an apartment near the school of her choice and was able to get a spot for my sister in that school. My sister is very happy about this.

My mom doesn't even know about any of this and it is all being done behind her back. I thought and so did she that the school that is near are house attracted a better lot of people since it was in a better area and would be better for her. She said just give it one month of actually going to the school (which my sister did not do she repeatedly tried to make lame excuses to get out of going to school).

My father thinks that psychologically it would be best to keep her around the set of friends she has had in the past even though we don't really know them. :hmm:

So now, I think the divorce ball is going to move into full swing. my mom will think that my sister knows how to manipulate things and will always be able to get what she wants. She has been on silent terms with my dad for about a month now and the school district knows it as well. They have been on different pages on this issue.

She is starting menopause so she is going to be extra angry.

Now we are just in the process of selling the house as we can't get a refinance on our mortgage and it's just too much money to pay every month...with the eminent divorce and the fact that dad has gotten an extra apartment it's pretty certain that the family will be divided. My sister is very happy about this as it means she will be spoiled all the time now without any pesky mom. I am just concerned about the psychological implications it will have on my 9 year old brother who already suffers from a learning disability.

Allah (SWT) knows best. I just hope we can sell the house for a good price and sell the business for a good price as well so that financially both of my parents will be able to independent and comfortable.

These days I just get plagued with mental thoughts of what I could have done differently 5 years ago, 3 years ago, 2 years etc. it's so overwhelming. Unfortunately, there is no dua for time travel into the past. I have started school this week and I am looking into seeing a counselor.

I have learned a good lesson from all of this and that is to be a good practicing muslim as that keeps your heart at peace in times of distress.

Please continue to keep us in your dua's.

Regards,
Ehsan

[Snowflake]

:sl: The troubles plaguing your family are indeed sad to hear Brother. May Allah have mercy on you and your family. Ameen. Is there anyway, you can get your parents to see an islamic counsellor? Given the right advice from a knowledgeable person may help save your parents marriage. Someone needs to remind and help them come towards the deen. I know you have a lot on your plate already, but please try to exhaust all possibilities of preventing the break up of your family inshaAllah. May Allah make your life easy and grant you success in both worlds. Ameen.

[gs450la]

:sl: The troubles plaguing your family are indeed sad to hear Brother. May Allah have mercy on you and your family. Ameen. Is there anyway, you can get your parents to see an islamic counsellor? Given the right advice from a knowledgeable person may help save your parents marriage. Someone needs to remind and help them come towards the deen. I know you have a lot on your plate already, but please try to exhaust all possibilities of preventing the break up of your family inshaAllah. May Allah make your life easy and grant you success in both worlds. Ameen.

:wa:

Thanks for the response sister. I just don't think they can make it work anymore. It's just more problematic/disruptive for them to continue. My mom is very unstable emotionally and she snaps in seconds. She can't control her emotions and anger. My dad says she is insane and my sister is the same way.

He says that if my sister gets what she wants she will be in a psychological well enough state to focus on her academics and progress in life. He says her psychology is very dangerous and she can be suicidal if she doesn't get what she wants.

I honestly don't know if this is correct or he is just trying to cover up the fact that he spoiled her.

Mom found out today about the apartment and that they weren't here. She was explosively angry and she disenrolled her from school. The school says that my dad should take the matter to family court in order to retain full custody of my sister.

This just hurts me so much...all because one school? not willing to accept reality? Everything is falling apart because of this. It hurts immensely.

[gs450la]

Hi everyone,

Well at least my parent's are on speaking terms with regards to how to arrange things now (selling house, divorce, etc.).

However, my sister still isn't happy even after tearing our house apart. She wants my dad to buy new furniture for the apartment. This morning she was yelling at him at like 8 AM. Then when my loudly told her from downstairs "beta please don't yell in the morning" she responded by saying "F*ck off b*tch"

This is all so stressful. She constantly has my 9 year old brother in her room with her when she is yelling at my parents and swearing her profanities I am afraid he might not get into the same bad habits.

Please make dua for us.

Thanks,
Ehsan

[aadil77]

Hi everyone,

Well at least my parent's are on speaking terms with regards to how to arrange things now (selling house, divorce, etc.).

However, my sister still isn't happy even after tearing our house apart. She wants my dad to buy new furniture for the apartment. This morning she was yelling at him at like 8 AM. Then when my loudly told her from downstairs "beta please don't yell in the morning" she responded by saying "F*ck off b*tch"

This is all so stressful. She constantly has my 9 year old brother in her room with her when she is yelling at my parents and swearing her profanities I am afraid he might not get into the same bad habits.

Please make dua for us.

Thanks,
Ehsan

Wow. How old is your sister again?

Once I'd hit the age of 17, I was told that I'm now old enough and if I were to get into any kind of trouble - my mum would not have any of it and she'd kick me out the house immediately.
Now if your sister does not even have this insecurity of being kicked out onto the streets with no money, no home etc, then what reason has she got to even give the slightest bit of respect to your parents? Clearly she does not fear Allah, and clearly she has nothing to fear from your parents as they have not set aside any consequences of her misbehaviour. You need to have something to threaten her with, without that theres no hope - this is the way I see it.

[gs450la]

:sl:

Just thought I'd give you guys a slight update on how things are turning. My sister is still very angry all the time and still hasn't given up her use of foul language even after everything she has done to the house. She gets angry if my dad doesn't take her to IHOP right away or doesn't buy her donuts after school. She threatens him with running away, committing suicide, and not wearing the seatbelt. She is seeing a therapist for the past month and a half and the therapist is still evaluating the situation. This is all just so sad. :( My sister is literally blackmailing us as much as she wants...she has made life miserable for us, completely.

My father has been cleaning out his savings and his income is not what it used to be. Honestly, my sister is the most selfish kid in America. So disrespectful and so rude. It's unbelievable. She has destroyed our house and family and yet she is still not happy.

Please make dua for us.

Sincerely,
Ehsan

[Muhaba]

^plz stop blaming your sister all the time. I read above that your mother was having an affair. I hardly think that was your sister's fault. when does a parent start having affairs because of a child? I think your parents are the cause of their own problem. As for your sister, I'm unsure whether she has a psychaitric problem or whether she has behaviorial problems caused by your parents' marital problems. If it's a psychiatric problem, then she should be taken to a psychiatrist who can give her medicine, etc. If it's a behaviorial problem then it should be dealt with appropriately. If your father doesn't know how to deal with it, then he should get guidance from someone.

I hope your problems are solved.

[gs450la]

^plz stop blaming your sister all the time. I read above that your mother was having an affair. I hardly think that was your sister's fault. when does a parent start having affairs because of a child? I think your parents are the cause of their own problem. As for your sister, I'm unsure whether she has a psychaitric problem or whether she has behaviorial problems caused by your parents' marital problems. If it's a psychiatric problem, then she should be taken to a psychiatrist who can give her medicine, etc. If it's a behaviorial problem then it should be dealt with appropriately. If your father doesn't know how to deal with it, then he should get guidance from someone.

I hope your problems are solved.

:sl:

I am in no way making any excuses for my mother. However, my father isn't the world's greatest husbands either. It was an arranged marriage and they have had disagreements all the time. They would make up however, and when I was younger, being the naieve person that I am, I tried my best to sway them away from divorce. My father didn't like to socialize much and would always accuse my mother of having affairs when I was younger (like 5 or so). However, their problems lessened after the birth of my sister. My mother's career had suffered at the same time and we moved to another state. My father's parents came to live with us and there were a lot of problems around that time (2002). My father's attitude towards my mom had completely changed and he would always try to act as a superior to her decisions. In addition, he would give money to his relatives and speak to them over the phone secretly. This led to a breach of trust between the two. He would spend less and less time with my mother. We moved to a new home and my sister started to grow older. She knew that my parents weren't always on the same page and took advantage of the situation by trying to manipulate the rift in her favor. She knew my dad is the type of guy she could threaten and he would do anything for her. Together they made a team and would go out to eat, would go out shopping, to the park whilst telling my mom that they were going to regular school and Islamic school.

This started roughly three years ago, when my mom found out about these outings she was furious as her trust was violated. A specific instance, my sister was supposed to go to sunday islamic school, mom got her ready and sent her with dad thinking that that's where they were going. However, it was later found after the principal of the islamic school called that she never went to sunday school. My mom was worried and called dad to find out that they had lied to her and he went to go buy her $100 clothes. She was furious and got angry at both of them. Ever since then, my sister has been manipulating the disagreements in her favor and has caused countless distress between them. She threatens suicide and my dad thinks she will follow through, and gives into her commands. Whenever she wants anything, she asks him and he gets it for her. Thus, my father is to blame for not working with my mother and being honest. He is letting my sister exploit and abuse him at the age of 52. He does her laundry for her every Sunday night at 12AM, she doesn't have the decency to get her own clothes to get ready in the morning and he even takes car of that for her. That's a lot of work and I am so utterly concerned about his physical health.

Not trying to blame my sister entirely, but at the same time, she has crossed the limits and is now playing the situation to make things go in her favor. My father is too gullible and foolish to fall for this, as he thinks she is suicidal and will follow with suicide if her demands are not met. Whenever we go out somewhere to a Pakistani party, or just outside in general, my mother pleads with her to go, and she refuses still. We haven't been able to go on a family trip in ages. After the whole drama with the school, she has immense hatred towards my mother and me. And refuses to talk to us. Whenever I ask her how she is, she just ignores me. Whenever my mom asks her, she also ignores us.

Yesterday, my mom turned 50 and she didn't even come downstairs to wish her a happy birthday. She didn't give my mom a hug or didn't even cut the cake. She said foul things to my mom on her birthday and said she would never give her any attention or importance in her life. This really hurt me and my mother very much.

Again, I don't make excuses for my mom, but I can see how she would have felt compelled to go through with the affair. My sister has taken up all of my dad's time, and has made it virtually impossible for my parent's to have any semblance of the marital relationship that is typical in society. She wants 24/7 time with my father and wants him to give up his responsibilities to my brother and I, as well as mom, in addition to his responsibilites as a professional. The bank has forced us to sell our home (that we have lived in for 5 years) and our financial condition is so poor that I am sometimes unable to justify paying for necessities. By the grace of Allah, we had been doing so well up until things started to get ugly in our house, that I had full health insurance, a nice car, and money to spend on education. But now I am finding myself giving those up due to my father's inability to work to his full potential. I am truly sad about losing the house, but at the same time, we aren't a family anymore. That's what makes a house a home as long as its filled with people who love and care about each other. So I guess it's the right thing to do. Honestly, my sister and mother don't see eachother for days. LOL

I am saddened and worried about the health of my father, as my sister is being so selfish, that she won't let me pick her up from school even. Thus, my dad has to make 4 trips back and forth every day to take care of her dropping issue. She says that I make her sick. I honestly have not said or done anything to her eventhough I have a huge rage towards her for the way she has changed our family dynamics. If I ask her to pick up the gum that she threw on the floor, she takes it as an insult. I ask her to follow the law by wearing her seatbelt, she refuses. She takes it all as an insult and says I'm telling her what to do. I believe in being truthful and following the law/rules...my sister doesn't hear any of that and does whatever she wants to do regardless of how it harms and makes others feel. She uses so much profanity towards parents and myself that she has even influenced my 9 year old brother to be defiant and to use profanity. I don't want this cycle to continue and ruin his life.

Whatever country you live in, there are always laws and rules of civility that you have to follow. I want my sister to hopefully realize that one day. However, it's not too late for my brother, and I don't want him to be impacted/influenced by her to such a degree that he is doomed for misery.

I admit, my sister has anger issues and a very low self esteem in that she always gets paranoid about subtle things about how people will view her. She doesn't want to show her friends her parents or where she comes from. She is currently in therapy and hopefully it will shed light on the problem and yield positive results, that is my number one prayer.

It has definitely been difficult and overwhelming for me to deal with these things and I am doing my best to cope. I have been hoping and praying that things work out for the best. I have been trying to be the best person/muslim possible (by praying 5 times a day). I have even tried to convince my 9 year old bro to pray with me, though he has been showing more resistance lately due to influence from my sister.

Sorry for the long novel, lol! I just wanted to vent, again your prayers are mcuh needed and appreciated! :)

May allah bless you all,
Ehsan

[Muhaba]

May Allah help you solve your problems. What you need is a change of environment. Can't you and your sister go to live with relatives for a while? Maybe even live in a different country, have your sister study Islam a bit? That might help.

Also you need to know the underlying reason why your sister is acting the way she does. Frued (a psychologist) had noted that his patients psychological problems were related to their inability to achieve their goals. The same may be true for your sister. maybe she feels her life is going nowhere and is reacting that way. once you know the reason, you can work on fixing the problem. if she sees hope then it's possible that she improves sooner.