format_quote Originally Posted by
sully
Salams everyone.
Yep, I know it's Ramadhan but I couldn't help but ask my bros/sis for a lil bit of advice. I'm kinda at wits end with this problem.
The thing is I'm not a practicising Muslim per se and erm I've been with my erm can i call him my male friend? Well, I've been with him for almost 3yrs. After 3 months of knowing him, I decided that one of us is gotta make it halal so I kinda proposed to him (And no!, I'm not desperate, I was trying to please Allah and still am trying to)
He accepted (wohoo!) and I met his parents after constant nagging him to get them to meet me. They said no, naturally because of the classic tribal racism - I'm Bengali, he's Pakistani. We decided to wait for a bit but a 'bit' turned to almost 3yrs. I'm still waiting as i type. I'm still banging on about Nikah but he doesnt seem to be that bothered. He keeps giving excuses about 'being finanically stable' but I dunno anymore.
I'm not brave enough to leave, I dont really want to because of erm the 'love' thing. (Darn that feeling!) We've been through alot and I do care about him alot but I want him to 'man up' and stick up to his parents against this prejudice.
I dont know what to do....
The End (Yep, it went on for a bit, I know):p
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallahu khayran for sharing your issue with us. Firstly my sister we must realise that this is the reality of haraam relationships where a couple first befriend one another and eventually they develop feelings for one another and end up having a haraam relationship.
It always starts off with an innocent friendship. At that age its the "norm" to be-friend someone from the opposite sex. Then inevitabley the friendship turns into feelings being developed and then turns into a relationship.
What we have to realise is my sister that this is the way shaythan gets two people to committ haram with one another. He makes it out like its ok to be friends with the opposite sex and "normal" and that nothing will happen but what we have to realise is that a man and a women CANNOT be friends only because a man and a women are created to be attraced to one another so chemical reactions and feelings will always gradually and inevitably develop.
Shaythan tricks men and women into so called 'innocent' friendships and they end up committing haram and getting hurt and scarred as is with your case.
My sister your case is a typical example why men and women should NEVER be-friend one another. Everything Islam teaches us is the best for us. Islam teaches us that we should not be-friend the opposite sex at all and that we should not intermingle or mix freely with the opposite sex because that is how haraam relationships develop and result. This is ALWAYS the case. The majority of relationships result from school, colleges, universities and the work place and those are the places where men and women mix freely so inevitabley those are the places that breed haraam relationships.
I think deep down you know what you have to do but you can't get yourself to do it because you feel you can't be without him but that is just a deception.
A relationship is NOT a guarantee for marriage. A lot of the times the guy or the girl give false dreams and hopes to one another but reality is very different to that. They talk about what it will be like when their married and together and the guy and girl have these dreamz and wishes throughout the duration of their relationship and when it does'nt work out for one reason or another then inevitabley the person gets terribly hurt and scarred because they gave their heart to the person and only ever imagined being with them and no one else. They dreamed a life with that person and when the dream ends it is too hard to take.
This dream is only a dream and not reality and what better time than any to get back to reality again. Almighty Allah is giving you inclinations to go towards him and end this haraam so end it so that you may get closer to Allah.
You know the guy is the right person if he says to you that he does not want to committ haraam and that he wants to do things in the right way and so asks for your Wali straight away instead of interacting with you alone. That is when you know he is the right guy.
It is clear this guy is not even bothered about wanting to marry you or convince his parents that he wants to marry you. He is just treating you as a pass time because he may have some hope that he might find someone better that his parents may approve of. But in the mean time he does not want to let go of you because he knows he has someone there who is committed to him. Knowing this sister you must leave him immediatley and not lower yourself to have a relationship with someone that you have no future with.
There is no point continuing to tell him what you want from him because he has not done anything about it so what makes you think he will now? He is just leading you on until he thinks he has found better. End this immediatley and do not wait a second more. You have angered Allah enough and what have you gained from this relationship but pain and sorrow?
My sister whatever has happened has happened now, so theres no point looking back to the past anymore. You can't change whats happened and you can't get that time back but you have learnt your lesson now that a man and a women can NEVER be friends only!
You have learnt now the hard way and sometimes one needs to learn the hard way to truly realise our mistakes. We learn from our failures and not our successes! If we did'nt make mistakes then how would we learn? If we did'nt sin then how would we turn to Allah? If we don't turn to Allah then how will Allah forgive us?
My sister you have to move on no matter how hard it is. It's all in the head and you have to get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of him first and foremost then after that let time be the healer because it will take time but if you go towards Allah and abide by his commandments wholeheartedly and put your FULL hopes,trust,reliance and faith in him then you will get over this in no time because you will then realise that you have not a second to waste and that you have already wasted enough time and that you have to make the best use of EVERY second of your life because your time is up and your time can come at ANY second!
My sister it just was'nt meant to be that is why it hasn't gone anywhere for 3 years. If something is not meant to be then no matter what any of us do it will never happen. Maybe you would have had a miserable life with him if you did marry him so whatever happens happens for the best as you would not want to regret it for life.
My sister we ONLY get one chance in this life so we need the right partner that will guide us to the right path so look for a pious and practising brother and i guarantee you that when you look back you will realise that your glad that you never married this person because Allah has a MUCH better partner in store for you!
My sister NOW is the time to go towards Allah. There is NO time to waste. Allah is the one who find ours partners for us we can't find them for ourselves, so if we please Allah and go towards him then will he not find us the BEST partners that we can lead a content life with pleasing Allah and who we can spend eternity with in the hereafter?
The way to heal oneself is to first accept what has happened and accept that Allah did'nt want this to happen and he did'nt will this for me and that he has something better for me. Then go towards Allah and worship him wholeheartedly and know that he will find you the perfect one for you and marry as soon as you can to a pious brother who will lead you towards Jannah which is our ultimate goal.
Know that it will take time and let time be the healer but my sister know that whatever has happened we can learn from it and take good things from it and lessons from it and become better people and do things better now and the future!
From now on sister its a new and fresh start for you. Mys sister repent and turn to Allah and ask him to forgive you for having this relationship and ask him to help you through this because ONLY he can help you and bring peace and tranquility to your heart.
Make intention of going towards Allah wholheartedly and i would recommend that you join a sisters circle, halaqa, meetings and talks because thre is ALWAYS one in most areas. It is important that you involve yourself with good and pious friends who will lead you towards Jannnah because we are who our friends are.
Keep your mind busy and don't sit around where you would be more likely to think because an idle mind is the playground of shaythan.
Spend this blessed month wisely and pray your Fard and Nafil Salaah. Recite the Qur'an also with its meanings so that you know what Allah is telling us in the Qur'an. It is very important to occupy your time doing good deeds and also help and serve your parents etc and do EVERYTHING for the pleasure of Allah and it will become reward for you!
If you spend your time trying to please Allah by doing good deeds and worshipping him then surely Allah will bring back the peace and tranquility in your heart but give it time and your heart will heal inshallah.
Ask of Allah to help you through this and he will not let your dua go unanswered. Realise that any pain you do go through is what you have caused yourself because you chose to get into this relationship but in life we all learn from our failures not our successes so accept it as a big mistake that ou have now learnt from.
Go towards Allah and find the right pious partner in the right way and NEVER get to know any male without your wali present again. If we do things the right way then do you doubt that Allah will find you the right partner?
Waste not a second more and end this relationship immediatley. Imagine if death came to you then how will you answer Allah? Repent sincerely with the intention of never repeating such an act. I would also advise you to change your number/s and e mail as this will be a new fresh start for you.
Thank Allah for helping you to get the strength to end this.
and Allah knows best in all matters