Sibling rivalry

[anonymous]

:sl:

Ive decided to post this annonmously, cos im kinda embarassed. I'll try and keep it brief and to the point.

3 of my siblings hate me. growing up i know sibling rivalry is the norm, but the thing is im 29, my sis is 27 and we just dont get on, in fact her attitide stinks, and shes not just like that with me, but cos shes like the way she is, people just kinda take it.

she treats me like crap, esp wen we have people round. I try and stay quite, cos its hardly good hurling abuse, with guests around. just yesterday, she made me look stupid in front of family, i just sat back and tuk it cos it was eid, and i thort it takes the bigger person to walk way. I do admit its not always been the case, ive given as good as ive got but this ramadan, i feel like ive a bit more restaint/patience than wat i had b4, so i can walk away. then ysday, whilst watching telly, during an argument with our younger sibling, i decided to try and calm things, and she laughed in my face, saying that it was going to be a mission finding me a husband cos im past it and no1 wants to marry me. This hasnt been the first time shes sed this, but the issues related to a husband are nothing 2 do with her. (in my community im seen as a reject/burden what eva you wana call it, cos im passed marital age) yet at every opportunity, she can bring me down in minutes. Ive always tried to do my best by my younga siblings but all of them treat me like crap. my youngest sibling (age 11) last nite sed he wished i would die, cos i told him off for something. in fact he screamed it at me. then reconfirmed it to me 2day.

why is this happening ? & please dont say its a test, cos its always bin like this, just now its getting more nastier. Every1 says im 2 quite and people walk ova me, but the thing is wat do i do ? I dont like confrontation and i just want a quite life.

Last nite wen i thort wat both of them had sed to me, i ended up crying into my pillow, on eid day of all days. its like we cant even be nyc to each other for 1 day. only half hour before, yesterday, i was arranging to go out for a family meal, cos im trying to bridge the differences, yet it just gets chucked back in my face.

the thing is 27 isnt young. so what right has she got to treat me like this ? also shes a habit of constantly *****ing about me to rest of the extended family and even our friends. which is why i dont bother with her, im civil but thats it, i made th effort yesterday cos of eid now i wished i hadnt bothered. she always gives me constant heartache, and wen i think about what she does to me, i just cant stand her. the thing is i know shes up2 no good and a couple of times ive nearly brought the truth to the surface but i managed to hold back and let it go. shes old enuf to know shes sinning, so who am i to reveal her sins.

a few weeks ago in a conversation to my mum, we were discussing music and i mentioned how certain types werent islamic like qawali/western etc. she was sat in the same room and sed, " i dont know where she gets her information from? i wud love to know which scholar she follows cos he talks bullsh** like her.

I dont know what ive done wrong ?

any advice would be appreciated, i feel like ive put up with this for a few years, and i dont know how long i can take this for ? im a person too with feelings.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

just a few thoughts:

- a lot of people think that siblings only don't get along in their childhood and teens, but even when in their 50's some people still may have some kind of rivalry with their siblings. sometimes its due to something that has happened in childhood that hasn't properly been resolved/healed. sometimes its just a a genuine misunderstanding on both parts.

- this isn't going to be easy, but even when your siblings wrong you, you must always do good by them and never wrong them in return. you don't have to love them or agree with the wronging they do to you, but always remember that what happens to you ,and how your react to it, are 2 different things. she is responsible for her actions, and so are you. you should never give in to the person by wronging them (even if they wrong you), because believe it or not, you are left under their mercy. whereas if you just stick to your guns even in face of adversity, they cant harm you.

btw, by wronging the person, i don't mean you should be a door mat and let them do to you whatever they want to you (you should absolutely stand up for yourself). this is something different. im talking about the wronging where it is more than what they do to you. for example, if they say something bad to you, and you turn around by breaking their nose or something extreme like that...this is uncalled for.

- when dealing with family/blood ties alot of delicacy is required. again, this is hard. what i mean, is that even if they wrong you, and you have the chance and means to stand up for yourself, sometimes the best thing to do is to swallow it. it will really hurt, but you have to try think ahead of the possible consequences and that is your relationship with that person turning more bitter and sour then it is, thus risking cutting ties (if you ever want to get back at someone, try to perfect and make your better your relationship with Allah then them).

- you don't have to take heed and listen to what people say. what people say and feel about you are THEIR opinions ONLY. just because (for eg) someone tell you you are stupid, it doesn't make you stupid. just because (again for eg) someone tells you are ugly, it doesn't make you ugly. in fact, sometimes when people say these things to you, in affect all they are saying is "i think you're d bomb." i kid not, people will degrade, humiliate, and perhaps to the extent of manipulate you into thinking ill of your own self (such as that you're unintelligent, etc) not because they dislike you, but because you are their rivals and they know it and cant stand the fact that you are better then them.



pay no heed to what they say, at the end of the day, it is THEIR OPINION ONLY.

for eg this:

and she laughed in my face, saying that it was going to be a mission finding me a husband cos im past it and no1 wants to marry me.

by her judgment only. who says that married people have it better anyway? dont they go through hardships as well? doesn't love and marriage turn sour as well?

try not to be sensitive like this. it will be hard at first, but these trials are a blessing in disguise because they are character building. eventually, inshallah you will learn how to deal with them and what and what not to bother you. over time inshallah, you will realise that what they say is nothing short of rubbish and thus it wont bother you anymore.

-being inferior to someone is hard, but uit also reaps many fruits. for one, it outs you in your place and compels you to be humble. it also gives you this sincere care and understanding towards others who are in your shoes. another thing....honestly tell me, would you really like to be the opposed to the oppressor. do you think the oppressor is better? more powerful? wrong, so very wrong. its funny how oppressors think they are great, but are so oblivious to the dua that may be made against them by the one they oppress. pretty terrifying don't you think? (im not telling you make dua against your sister btw)

-continue being kind to her as your relative. you don't have to love her or agree with what she is doing, but the fact that she is your relative and you have an obligation...well just let be your light when in the dark.

-make dua when you feel weak and feel like throwing the towel in.

-when you preach to people and you don't want her to butt in, preach to them in private so that she doesn't include negative comments and thus put doubts in thier minds. firm good relationships with people (without her knowing if possible) so that they can love you adn thus love what you preach.

a few weeks ago in a conversation to my mum, we were discussing music and i mentioned how certain types werent islamic like qawali/western etc. she was sat in the same room and sed, " i dont know where she gets her information from? i wud love to know which scholar she follows cos he talks bullsh** like her.

this is why^

[Alpha Dude]

:sl:

Sister, this is just my jahil and unqualified opinion. You're older than your siblings and don't deserve their outbursts. They have no right to behave in that manner against you.

I wouldn't give a flying crap about what your 11 year old bro said to you. Kids talk nonsense anyway. Be strong and put him in his place. Same with your sister.

To be honest, I think you should stop being a victim and don't let them give you stupid nonsense. You're older than them and should have the authority to control them.

If they say something you don't like, you put them straight and you have no need to go crying or worrying later whether what you did was correct or not. Some people need a firm hand before they can take heed.

[anonymous]

:sl:

just a few thoughts:

- a lot of people think that siblings only don't get along in their childhood and teens, but even when in their 50's some people still may have some kind of rivalry with their siblings. sometimes its due to something that has happened in childhood that hasn't properly been resolved/healed. sometimes its just a a genuine misunderstanding on both parts.

we've just never got on, wen i think back, i think it was at the time she started uni, she just changed, was really horrible to every1 at home, maybe stress ? I dont know but now shes money in the bank, good job, and she looks down on others, and in a way thinks shes better than every1 else, and no doubt me 2. Im not gona lie there has been times wen ive wanted to slap her silly. Again ysday, something minor turned in2 an argument, and i get hurled abuse at, my new found interest in islam, seems to be an issue ? i dont know why, cos she knows heaps more than me, pity she doesnt follow it. the argument cud be something silly, yet in retaliation she comes out with " oh i 4got she knows everything shes gone all islamic " ? wat i cant understand is why she does wat she does, ok within our 4 walls is differnt but to ***** about me, to extended family, its just not on. Last year i shouted at her in an argument, and she walked out home, she later told every1 that i had kicked her out of the house ? which was so far from untrue, cos i sent out ppl looking for her. There was an incident a couple of years ago, where a guy was interested in me, & i declined but she was interested in him, but cos of her stinking attitude, they looked past her and asked for me. Maybe thats one reason ? I dont know, she was horrible way before that though, although that could have added to the hate.

- this isn't going to be easy, but even when your siblings wrong you, you must always do good by them and never wrong them in return. you don't have to love them or agree with the wronging they do to you, but always remember that what happens to you ,and how your react to it, are 2 different things. she is responsible for her actions, and so are you. you should never give in to the person by wronging them (even if they wrong you), because believe it or not, you are left under their mercy. whereas if you just stick to your guns even in face of adversity, they cant harm you.

btw, by wronging the person, i don't mean you should be a door mat and let them do to you whatever they want to you (you should absolutely stand up for yourself). this is something different. im talking about the wronging where it is more than what they do to you. for example, if they say something bad to you, and you turn around by breaking their nose or something extreme like that...this is uncalled for.

I try to be nyc, but theres only so much a person can handle. Doesnt my hurt count ? You know wat its bin happening that long, that i am a door mat. and all 3 of them realise that. my younger sis, just uses me 4 money, still i give it to her, on the basis that i always try and teach her to pay her debts back, etc. I do try and see the good in people, & give ppl chances.

pay no heed to what they say, at the end of the day, it is THEIR OPINION ONLY. .

for eg this:

by her judgment only. who says that married people have it better anyway? dont they go through hardships as well? doesn't love and marriage turn sour as well?

I think the way she looks as it is, that i dont have anything to offer anyone. Im not loaded with couple of grand in the bank, and my job isnt as good as hers, also i dont spend on stupid things whereas shes always buying designer things. Stupid things like that dont bother me, i dont have thrive on money etc. Ive always bin ded simple like that, and im glad i am, cos money and high status screws you up in the long run.

try not to be sensitive like this. it will be hard at first, but these trials are a blessing in disguise because they are character building. eventually, inshallah you will learn how to deal with them and what and what not to bother you. over time inshallah, you will realise that what they say is nothing short of rubbish and thus it wont bother you anymore.

-being inferior to someone is hard, but uit also reaps many fruits. for one, it outs you in your place and compels you to be humble. it also gives you this sincere care and understanding towards others who are in your shoes. another thing....honestly tell me, would you really like to be the opposed to the oppressor. do you think the oppressor is better? more powerful? wrong, so very wrong. its funny how oppressors think they are great, but are so oblivious to the dua that may be made against them by the one they oppress. pretty terrifying don't you think? (im not telling you make dua against your sister btw)

My sensitvity has always bin a problem, but i'd rathat be like this and have a concious then act like she does to me and not realise wen shes hurt sum1. Wat do you do, wen older auties start saying horrible things ? you cant always smile and think gud of sum1. Earlier, today a relative came round, and started saying how shes going to rename me and just call me the old spinster, i just ignored her, and continued doing wat i was doing. but still she made me listen to her conversation. Why am i suddenly the butt of every1's jokes.? I can be civil, not sure about the kind bit, even so im good at ignoring people, ive learnt to do that past few years.

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[anonymous]

:sl:

Sister, this is just my jahil and unqualified opinion. You're older than your siblings and don't deserve their outbursts. They have no right to behave in that manner against you.

I wouldn't give a flying crap about what your 11 year old bro said to you. Kids talk nonsense anyway. Be strong and put him in his place. Same with your sister.

To be honest, I think you should stop being a victim and don't let them give you stupid nonsense. You're older than them and should have the authority to control them.

If they say something you don't like, you put them straight and you have no need to go crying or worrying later whether what you did was correct or not. Some people need a firm hand before they can take heed.

I try to put them straight, but the problem extends and I just stay quite, and cos ive done it for so long, they know they can get away with treating me the way they do. I just feel stupid wen they do it in front of others either family or outsiders, i dont know how to handle it, cos if i say sumthing, then they just argue/hurl abuse back, so i stay quite and let it stop at me and not retaliate.

[Asiyah3]

:sl:
Sadly, some people enjoy annoying and hurting others. Pity they can't gain satisfaction and be content with themselves in any other ways than putting others down.

Don't let her behaviour affect you sister. She may say and do what she likes, but ignore it and show her that you don't care. She may stop once she sees she gains nothing by this.

Why do you care what people think about you? I wouldn't care at all even if people thought the worst of me. I know myself and I know who I am. Live your life and improve yourself in acts and faith. What can their talks do? Nothing unless YOU let them! Is your aim to please others (and they'll never be pleased with you) or your Lord?

[Cabdullahi]

sister you gotta be strong! and 29 is young plenty of time to get married

there is no such things as being past it

[anonymous]

sister you gotta be strong! and 29 is young plenty of time to get married

there is no such things as being past it

as a man thats so easy for you to say, but not everyone has the same mentality. Stupid "traditional" politics will always rule in some cases.

[cat eyes]

what the hell man is this culture fasination?? 29 is young man.. get out of that retarded village and move to a place where people don't judge everyone.

my gosh, such ignorance:heated: i don't know whats wrong with your siblings but can honestly say im proud of you for not giving in to your sisters behaviour during eid. i probably would have lost it.

i can't stand when people walk over me.. i shall keep you and your family in my dua.

and keep chin up.. theres no age limit for women to get married in islam..

[Cabdullahi]

as a man thats so easy for you to say, but not everyone has the same mentality. Stupid "traditional" politics will always rule in some cases.

I only tried to encourage you i know its hard but You either sit and weep or you get up to put things straight , you cannot be a pessimist.

and

[Hamza Asadullah]

:sl:

Ive decided to post this annonmously, cos im kinda embarassed. I'll try and keep it brief and to the point.

3 of my siblings hate me. growing up i know sibling rivalry is the norm, but the thing is im 29, my sis is 27 and we just dont get on, in fact her attitide stinks, and shes not just like that with me, but cos shes like the way she is, people just kinda take it.

she treats me like crap, esp wen we have people round. I try and stay quite, cos its hardly good hurling abuse, with guests around. just yesterday, she made me look stupid in front of family, i just sat back and tuk it cos it was eid, and i thort it takes the bigger person to walk way. I do admit its not always been the case, ive given as good as ive got but this ramadan, i feel like ive a bit more restaint/patience than wat i had b4, so i can walk away. then ysday, whilst watching telly, during an argument with our younger sibling, i decided to try and calm things, and she laughed in my face, saying that it was going to be a mission finding me a husband cos im past it and no1 wants to marry me. This hasnt been the first time shes sed this, but the issues related to a husband are nothing 2 do with her. (in my community im seen as a reject/burden what eva you wana call it, cos im passed marital age) yet at every opportunity, she can bring me down in minutes. Ive always tried to do my best by my younga siblings but all of them treat me like crap. my youngest sibling (age 11) last nite sed he wished i would die, cos i told him off for something. in fact he screamed it at me. then reconfirmed it to me 2day.

why is this happening ? & please dont say its a test, cos its always bin like this, just now its getting more nastier. Every1 says im 2 quite and people walk ova me, but the thing is wat do i do ? I dont like confrontation and i just want a quite life.

Last nite wen i thort wat both of them had sed to me, i ended up crying into my pillow, on eid day of all days. its like we cant even be nyc to each other for 1 day. only half hour before, yesterday, i was arranging to go out for a family meal, cos im trying to bridge the differences, yet it just gets chucked back in my face.

the thing is 27 isnt young. so what right has she got to treat me like this ? also shes a habit of constantly *****ing about me to rest of the extended family and even our friends. which is why i dont bother with her, im civil but thats it, i made th effort yesterday cos of eid now i wished i hadnt bothered. she always gives me constant heartache, and wen i think about what she does to me, i just cant stand her. the thing is i know shes up2 no good and a couple of times ive nearly brought the truth to the surface but i managed to hold back and let it go. shes old enuf to know shes sinning, so who am i to reveal her sins.

a few weeks ago in a conversation to my mum, we were discussing music and i mentioned how certain types werent islamic like qawali/western etc. she was sat in the same room and sed, " i dont know where she gets her information from? i wud love to know which scholar she follows cos he talks bullsh** like her.

I dont know what ive done wrong ?

any advice would be appreciated, i feel like ive put up with this for a few years, and i dont know how long i can take this for ? im a person too with feelings.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallahu khayran for sharing your sensative issue with us. My sister what we have to realise is that sometimes the kettle boils for too long and the steam is trapped and the steam needs to get out for things to cool down and get better.

Therefore in the case of you and your sister it is clear that things have been boiling away for a while and the steam just needs to be let out. Therefore the BEST way of doing this is for you and her to go for a nice walk somewhere maybe in the park and to talk properly and openly about how you both feel.

This will give you a chance of explaining exactley how you feel and even cry if you want to so that she can realise the damage she is doing to you. If you are always quite then how will she know how you are really feeling? When you share your real feelings with her then she will be shocked and also hurt that she was so evil to you and caused you so much pain for so long.

You need to let her know that her actions are causing a rift between both of you and that you do not want to end up hating her as you love her because she is your sister. You need to tell her that you are trying to find a husband but when she puts you down then it really hurts you. You need to also explain to her that you are trying to go towards deen but when she mocks you about going towards deen then it really hurts you.

Obviously attacking her and shouting and arguing with her will never work and wil only make things worse so the best thing for you to do is to share how you feel and do it when you are both alone together and it is best to go for a walk outside and talk when there is no one around just so that you can clear the air.

You should also ask her to share her feelings with you as to why she behaves the way she does. The KEY to solving your issue is communication. So open the doors of communication between both of you and this way you will both get closer to each other or at least realise why both of you behave the way you do and you will also learn a lot about each other by sharing your feelings together.

You should tell her that Islam does not allow one to break the ties of kinship and that both of you should resolve your issues like adults and talk to each other about how you feel and why you are behaving how you are behaving. Tell her you want to get closer to her and not further from her.

She is obviously putting on a front maybe she has experienced pain in some way or another and her way of dealing with the world is to put up this front. Get to the bottom of it and the only way you will is to talk to her and ask her to be open with you about her feelings and experiences.

This way you can also advise her that she must stop having haraam relations immediatley as it is forbidden and she will only get hurt. You should also tell her that it is a major sin and that she should fear Allah and that Allah will not put blessings into such haraam relationships. Tell her to go about it the right way as she is old enough to get married now and she should not be wasting time having relationships and gaining major sins at the same time. Get her to open up and she will then feel comfortable telling you things and she will change the way she is towards you.

Also my sister know that your siblings don't hate you and you must'nt think this for it is shaythan who is wanting to create this feeling of enmity in your heart for your siblings by first telling you that they hate you so that eventually you can also hate them. It is just the way they have become towards you but they do not hate you and you should not think that they do so.

You should also try your best to continue to find the right partner. Look for piety and someone who has a good character and is practising. Ask more of your good and close friends and also the local Masjids that you are wanting to find a pious and practising man.

In regards to your family then the best thing you can do is ignore what your family members and others say about you and just think they are just joking and not wanting to put you down. Be the best towards others but be firm when it comes to stopping evil and sin.

If your younger brother and sisters commit any wrong doing and sin then you must not let it pass but be firm and make sure they do not do it again. Little ones will say all sorts so disregard what abuse they throw at you but they must know that they will not get away with wrong doing or sin around you.

My sister be the best towards your parents and family and open up the doors for communication with your siblings. Talk to your brother about how he is and how his day is etc and offer him help and advice with whatever problems he may come across in life.

You have to keep a balance when it comes to the way people be towards you in life. Do not let others walk all over you but also do not be too harsh. Strike a balance and be firm when it comes to enjoining good and forbidding evil.

Learn more about Islam by joining a sisters circle and involve yourself with helping local sisters for the pleasure of Allah. This way you can also learn Islamic knowledge, arabic and how to recite Qur'an properly. It will also enable you to find cood comapny because keeping good company is extremely important because we are who our friends are.

Most importantly do not let ANYTHING deter you from the worship of Allah. Know that our time is short and we do not have long left so make the best of every second for we will regret the time we wasted in our lives.

Recite more Qur'an, learn the meanings of the Qur'an, read good Islamic books, do dhikr (remembrance) of Allah and pray ALL of your Salaah. Do as much dua as you can to Allah that he helps you through these difficult times and that he puts love into your hearts for each other. Ask of him to guide you and bring you closer to him. Ask him to enable you to do everything in your life to please him. Live your life for worshipping Allah and ask of him to enable you to marry as soon as is possible to a good and pious man.



Here are some very beneficial lectures which you and your siblings should listen to, to increase your imaan and fear of Allah:

Remembrance: ask Allah for his forgiveness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-EK9r3rMzQ


Angel of Death!!! - Sheikh Ahmed Ali

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUzRJXlB2uA

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 1/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieX7ZQtHl0s

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 2/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KK_2sVGMW08

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 3/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpmzA2hk1Bo

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - Death (The Destroyer of Pleasures) [part 4/4]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km39GfL62TQ

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki - The Journey of the Soul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAwHEXE3-n0


HARD HITTING Lecture on HELLFIRE & the Day of JUDGEMENT! يوم القيامة والجحيم

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O6L_fBk7VM

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 1/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWTehIeCOUU

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 2/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXTtk7rWx_U

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 3/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmiD86w9fBc


Islam - Punishment of the Grave by Sheikh Riyadh ul Haq

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWb-hYIm2WE

Death and the Grave by Murtaza Khan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r2nzJVecqo

How can we not appreciate what we have after watching this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkEBUC0APMg[/QUOTE]

AMAZING short speech -"The Goodly Life"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fugf1DcNyc




Here are some very beneficial articles for you to help you on your journey to Jannah and to make best use of every second of your life in this world:



10 Steps to Increasing our Iman(Faith)

http://www.islamicboard.com/showthre...our-Iman(Faith)

30 ways the youth should spend everyday of their lives!

http://www.islamicboard.com/showthre...of-their-lives!

Easy Dhikr which is light on the tongue but heavy on the scales!

http://www.islamicboard.com/showthre...-on-the-scales!

My Daily Ibadah (worship) check!

http://www.islamicboard.com/showthre...worship)-check!

10 steps to getting closer to Allah

http://www.islamicboard.com/showthre...loser-to-Allah

Forty Very Easy, Quick & Rewarding Good Deeds for all of us to do Everyday!

http://www.islamicboard.com/showthre...to-do-Everyday!

Not praying Salaah 5 times a day? Here's the solution!

http://www.islamicboard.com/showthre...s-the-solution!

VERY Rewarding Nafl Salaahs we can Pray Everyday!

http://www.islamicboard.com/showthre...-Pray-Everyday!


Please remember me in your dua's.

and Allah knows best in all matters

[anonymous]

what the hell man is this culture fasination?? 29 is young man.. get out of that retarded village and move to a place where people don't judge everyone.

my gosh, such ignorance:heated: i don't know whats wrong with your siblings but can honestly say im proud of you for not giving in to your sisters behaviour during eid. i probably would have lost it.

i can't stand when people walk over me.. i shall keep you and your family in my dua.

and keep chin up.. theres no age limit for women to get married in islam..

LOL im in uk, altho sometimes i think im in a backward village. It didnt take long for me to give in and crack, and i did lose it ova the w.end.

I ended up trying to break up something physical between the other two (20 & 27). this isnt normal. look at us, were flamin adults, & luk at how we behave ? I tried to calm things, yet get injured in the process ? out of pure frustration and anger I kinda exposed her, although there was a lot of shouting and i dont know if any1 else heard although i know she did, cos she just saw red, and went for me. I got called all the names imaginable, and yet a day later, she started talking normally to me like this stupid event never even took place. As a muslim woman, scrapping is hardly something that i would want to admit. Even though i was purely trying to stop something, i find this whole saga, deeply embarassing.

this shouldnt be happening.

[anonymous]

I only tried to encourage you i know its hard but You either sit and weep or you get up to put things straight , you cannot be a pessimist.

and

I know. Im just really frustrated, this has gone on for years. I think i just need to remind myself of what you and others have said everytime i feel like i cant take anymore.

thanks

[anonymous]

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallahu khayran for sharing your sensative issue with us. My sister what we have to realise is that sometimes the kettle boils for too long and the steam is trapped and the steam needs to get out for things to cool down and get better.

Therefore in the case of you and your sister it is clear that things have been boiling away for a while and the steam just needs to be let out. Therefore the BEST way of doing this is for you and her to go for a nice walk somewhere maybe in the park and to talk properly and openly about how you both feel.


you dont understand. Is not that simple where im gona have a chat over a coffee and everything is gona be ok ? that happens in soaps. Ive only put half the info down, on what shes really like. If i put down everything, I would end thinking about things and making myself down, i dont want that. Im trying to remain positive. & trust me if i spent a lot of time with her, we would nearly be killing each other. If were out at social gatherings, or wen people come round, and if something kicks off, I let her just say what she wants. I dont like attracting attention like that, esp wen outsiders are around. What would they think ? I know when to keep my gob shut.

This will give you a chance of explaining exactley how you feel and even cry if you want to so that she can realise the damage she is doing to you. If you are always quite then how will she know how you are really feeling? When you share your real feelings with her then she will be shocked and also hurt that she was so evil to you and caused you so much pain for so long.

& if i cried in front of her she would be on the floor laughin her head off. I know that, ive seen her do it. she finds it funny. in fact some of the girls in the family think its a big joke.

You need to let her know that her actions are causing a rift between both of you and that you do not want to end up hating her as you love her because she is your sister. You need to tell her that you are trying to find a husband but when she puts you down then it really hurts you. You need to also explain to her that you are trying to go towards deen but when she mocks you about going towards deen then it really hurts you.

I do hate her though. I really do. there is no love what so ever. I can honestly say that if she dropped dead 2mrw, i probably wouldnt be she gets off on hurting others, she talks to everyone like their a piece of crap. Im not bothered about the rift, I just want to find an easier way of coping, and not let her get to me like she does. she makes things up, and often paints a horrible picture of me to others, esp family and the odd friend, and i know people look at me differently, if i had done something then fine, but i havent.bothered. Course i would cry, but not for her, just merely cos others around me would be upset.

You should tell her that Islam does not allow one to break the ties of kinship and that both of you should resolve your issues like adults and talk to each other about how you feel and why you are behaving how you are behaving. Tell her you want to get closer to her and not further from her.

I do not need to tell her about islam, shes studied it herself, and had strict islamic schooling. she knows it all.

This way you can also advise her that she must stop having haraam relations immediatley as it is forbidden and she will only get hurt. You should also tell her that it is a major sin and that she should fear Allah and that Allah will not put blessings into such haraam relationships.

It was actually an elder that told me about this relationship, I dont know anything concrete. shes old enough to make her own mistakes, shes being a stupid cow, and to be honest i hope she does get hurt. It'll serve her right.

In regards to your family then the best thing you can do is ignore what your family members and others say about you and just think they are just joking and not wanting to put you down. Be the best towards others but be firm when it comes to stopping evil and sin.

A joke has its limits too. Im a person too, or do i just sit back and take every little insult. ? patience wears thin sometimes. I do try, and when i know im going to get offended, i just walk away. that way, i dont put my mouth into gear and remove myself from the situation.

Do as much dua as you can to Allah that he helps you through these difficult times and that he puts love into your hearts for each other.

When i make dua, i never ask of this, cos im not bothered about her.I dont need people like that in my life.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb,

[QUOTE=anonymous;1369068] & if i cried in front of her she would be on the floor laughin her head off. I know that, ive seen her do it. she finds it funny. in fact some of the girls in the family think its a big joke.

My sister you should at least try what i suggested in that go for a walk somewhere together and share your true feelings with her. Don't assume what will happen at least try it. You should continue to strive to establish a bond with your sister even if she does the opposite for your reward is with Allah not with your sister. Be the best towards your family and know that your doing it for Allah and your reward is with him.

I do hate her though. I really do. there is no love what so ever. I can honestly say that if she dropped dead 2mrw, i probably wouldnt be she gets off on hurting others, she talks to everyone like their a piece of crap. Im not bothered about the rift, I just want to find an easier way of coping, and not let her get to me like she does. she makes things up, and often paints a horrible picture of me to others, esp family and the odd friend, and i know people look at me differently, if i had done something then fine, but i havent.bothered. Course i would cry, but not for her, just merely cos others around me would be upset.

Shaythan is clearly creating enmity in your heart for your sister but you should disregard your sworn enemy and continue to try and hold on to the ties of kinship. Do the opposite of what she does. She is not inheritently evil but this is just a front. You should try establish why she is like this towards you and the only way this can be done is to try and get her to open up.

By you feeling like this towards her you will never recitfy this situation but only make it worse. If she wants to create a rift then you should do the opposite and try and hold on to the ties of kinship and get her to open up. Once you do then you will know what the real reasons are why she has this front with you and the world. Then she will be different towards you inshallah.

I do not need to tell her about islam, shes studied it herself, and had strict islamic schooling. she knows it all.

That does not mean that you cannot enjoin good and forbid evil as it is yours, min and all of our duty to do so regardless of how much knowledge we think someone has. This should be done in a gentle manner using wisdom and tact not in an attacking manner as this will never achieve positive results.

It was actually an elder that told me about this relationship, I dont know anything concrete. shes old enough to make her own mistakes, shes being a stupid cow, and to be honest i hope she does get hurt. It'll serve her right.

Though sometimes it is the case that a person learns the hard way we should still advise a fellow Muslim if we know they are committing sin. That is not the right attitude to have to want someone to continue making mistakes and to sin. After you have got her to open up then it will be easier for you to advise her on these matters inshallah

A joke has its limits too. Im a person too, or do i just sit back and take every little insult. ? patience wears thin sometimes. I do try, and when i know im going to get offended, i just walk away. that way, i dont put my mouth into gear and remove myself from the situation.

I think you should speak one on one to those individuals in your family who you feel are insulting you. Just take them to the side and share your feelings with them in that you feel hurt by their insults etc and this way they will realise that their actions are not acceptable and will feel guilty and stop being like that towards you.

When i make dua, i never ask of this, cos im not bothered about her.I dont need people like that in my life.

I know she has hurt you a lot of because of the pain you have gone through you have now got enmity in your heart for your sister. But you should know that this is all a front she has put up for the world. She is not like this as a person. Once you crack into the front she is putting on then you can get her to share what she is feeling. Shaythan does not want you to do this because he knews as long as you feel this hatred towards her the you would not want to bother trying to rectify these issues that you are having with her. So disregard your sworn enemy shaythan and strive to try and get her to open up. The best way to do this is to take her to the side maybe go for a drive with her or a walk and try and get her to open up. Try it and don't just assume what will happen.