Problem with a girl... PLEASE HELP!

[anonymous]

Salaam everyone,

I have a very big problem. I have started university, I am in my second year (of three total) and in my first year I fell in love with a girl. She drinks but otherwise she is a good Muslim. I know this sounds stupid but she has had a lot of family problems etc. I know this is still not an excuse but she said she will stop slowly and I am helping her. Now the thing is she goes clubbing sometimes. Now I have never been a bad Muslim and NEVER had intimacy with girls. No kissing (hugging good friends yes but that is due to society etc - I know its still considered wrong but I have time to fix that, it is not my biggest problem - still, advice is welcome).

I have gone clubbing with her because I fear for what she will do and her safety when she is drunk. On a few occasions she danced with me as in physical contact and arms around my neck and she grind on me. It obviously aroused me but it did not lead to anything. Once she was safely home I went straight home. The next time we went out after that we ended up kissing. French kissed.

And I have been feeling the utmost disgrace and disgust at what I did. When I came to uni I promised myself I would not get into a relationship or girl problems and NEVER kiss a girl because that is my motto. I have disgraced myself. Ruined my integrity and everything. The thing is she was slightly drunk and afterwards we spoke about it because I was concerned and she tells me that if she wasn't drunk she wouldn't have done it. Now I feel even more bad because I Should have had the control but I didn't... I feel like I have made her sin.

Now I also know she has a boyfriend who she doesn't want to be with any more and doesn't consider her boyfriend for reasons which I do not wish to go into on here (she may also go on this forum for all I know and it is all personal). She has never done anything other than kissed him. I don't judge her, never have judged anyone.

Now here is the other problem. I am Pakistani and she is not (she is still asian though) and she is also a few years older than me. Now my parents always thought I'd marry a younger Pakistani girl but I really love this girl a lot and I want to marry her but I do not know what to do... I have mildly discussed marriage issues with parents and my mum thinks I'm being stupid to ever want to marry an older girl especially one who is not Pakistani. (I suggested it as a hypothetical scenario - she doesn't know what has happened).

I am very confused brothers and sisters. I feel alone, depressed, scared. I kick myself everyday for what I have done, kissed her. I always believed my first intimacy would be AFTER marriage with my one and only wife. But now I fear for what if I do not marry her. I have disgraced my future wife... I am very scared and lonely... :exhausted

Thank you for reading.:exhausted

[tango92]

your love for Allah swt must win out over your love for this girl. if you really fear zina then get married soon at least to another girl that you like.

i dont know much about drinking but imagine a few yrs down the line where she still wont give up drinking and she is being unfaithful to her boyfreind why should you be any different?

is it really love brother or just lust?

as for serious advice id say wait for a while. dont come into contact with her. inshallah youll come to your senses

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

What your feeling isn't love, it's sexual lust over a woman who you know is easy.

How can you call her a 'good Muslim' when she drinks? A good Muslim is one who obeys Allah. "They ask you (O Muhammad) concerning alcoholic drink and gambling. Say: In them is a great sin, and (some) benefits for men, but the sin of them is greater than their benefit" [al-Baqarah 2:219]

“O you who believe! Intoxicants (all kinds of alcoholic drinks), and gambling, and Al‑Ansaab (stone altars for sacrifices to idols, jinn, etc), and Al‑Azlaam (arrows for seeking luck or decision) are an abomination of Satan’s handiwork. So avoid (strictly all) that (abomination) in order that you may be successful.

Satan wants only to excite enmity and hatred between you with intoxicants (alcoholic drinks) and gambling, and hinder you from the remembrance of Allaah and from the prayer. So, will you not then abstain?” [al-Maa’idah 5:90-91]


Get a grip of yourself. You want to marry a woman who has a boyfriend and behind his back she's sliding her tongue down your throat, drinks and goes clubbing? Are really sure she hasn't done 'anything' that usually leads drinkers to do when drunk?

This woman has no respect for herself, her dignity nor her religion. What do you think she will do behind your back as your wife if she is already French kissing another man while having a partner outside of marriage? And finally don't fool yourself to think that a haram relationship between a man and woman is mere 'holding hands' and 'kissing and hugging'.

Marry a woman who values her worth, self respect and her religion.

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

Far be it from me to judge this girl unfairly (I hope she finds guidance, inshaAllah) but from your description, it does not seem she is (currently) good wife material at all.

Don't let your emotions guide or misguide you brother. Infatuation is a game of the shaytan.

Having ex-boyfriends and kissing them is no small deal. It's a huge red flag. Likewise clubbing. Likewise the alcohol. So you have three blatant red-flags staring you in the face.

Just look at the negative influence she has already had on you. She's dragged you toward clubbing and led you to kiss her.

If I were your parent, I would not give you my blessing to marry this girl. Again, nothing to do with judgements or condemnations of her but rather due to practicality issues. She, despite what it seems like to you, currently (and I wish her all the success in future inshaAllah) is NOT a good muslim sister at all. Stop looking at her through rose tinted glasses brother.

Still, I appreciate the difficulty in seperating from a love interest and if you still wish to pursue her, I advise you to make some demands of her.

FORCE her to stop clubbing.
FORCE her to stop drinking.

Don't baby around these issues (i.e. 'she'll do it in her own time', 'give her space' etc etc). Sounds harsh, but you seem like a good brother who has his head screwed on correctly. I'd hate to see you end up with someone unsuitable and for you to only realise it when it's too late.

Imagine you get married and you guys both go clubbing as a husband and wife activity? How stupid is that? If you insist on this marriage, you have to get her off all this haram as forcefully and sternly as possible.

Don't marry her if she is still doing these things, it's likely to only bring distress. Make sure she also prays salah at the very least.

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[Alpha Dude]

Marry a woman who values her worth, self respect and her religion.

I agree. This is a very heavy statement and something to seriously think about brother.

[anonymous]

your love for Allah swt must win out over your love for this girl. if you really fear zina then get married soon at least to another girl that you like.

i dont know much about drinking but imagine a few yrs down the line where she still wont give up drinking and she is being unfaithful to her boyfreind why should you be any different?

is it really love brother or just lust?

as for serious advice id say wait for a while. dont come into contact with her. inshallah youll come to your senses

I agree that I must love Allah SWT more than this girl, and I do (although it may not appear that way at present). She has told me and I sincerely believe that she will give up drinking. And with regards to her being unfaithful to her boyfriend, you are referring to the 'once a thief, always a thief' concept? Well what does that say for me considering I kissed her? Will I always kiss girls outside of marriage? No. I will not. I will keep to my faith and stay away from what is bad. I am not going to go clubbing anymore. It is a stupid concept only there to meet the opposite sex and commit sin...

What if she regrets what she has done and repents?

I am sure it is love for the love came before everything that happened. I love her for her personality, not her looks. I appreciate the beauty within.

I have thought about not coming into contact but we have the same friends circle, same classes, we literally see each other all the time. But never alone, always in groups for when a man and a woman are alone the third person is always Shaytaan...

:salamext:

What your feeling isn't love, it's sexual lust over a woman who you know is easy.

How can you call her a 'good Muslim' when she drinks? A good Muslim is one who obeys Allah. "They ask you (O Muhammad) concerning alcoholic drink and gambling. Say: In them is a great sin, and (some) benefits for men, but the sin of them is greater than their benefit" [al-Baqarah 2:219]

“O you who believe! Intoxicants (all kinds of alcoholic drinks), and gambling, and Al‑Ansaab (stone altars for sacrifices to idols, jinn, etc), and Al‑Azlaam (arrows for seeking luck or decision) are an abomination of Satan’s handiwork. So avoid (strictly all) that (abomination) in order that you may be successful.

Satan wants only to excite enmity and hatred between you with intoxicants (alcoholic drinks) and gambling, and hinder you from the remembrance of Allaah and from the prayer. So, will you not then abstain?” [al-Maa’idah 5:90-91]


Get a grip of yourself. You want to marry a woman who has a boyfriend and behind his back she's sliding her tongue down your throat, drinks and goes clubbing? Are really sure she hasn't done 'anything' that usually leads drinkers to do when drunk?

This woman has no respect for herself, her dignity nor her religion. What do you think she will do behind your back as your wife if she is already French kissing another man while having a partner outside of marriage? And finally don't fool yourself to think that a haram relationship between a man and woman is mere 'holding hands' and 'kissing and hugging'.

Marry a woman who values her worth, self respect and her religion.

It is not sexual lust, I do not desire to kiss her or touch her or anything more out of wedlock. I merely love her company and personality.

Everyone can be misguided. OK so she's not a 'good Muslim' right now but she is trying to give up alcohol and I am helping her and guiding her to the right path.

Yes she 'slid her tongue down my throat' and all behind her boyfriends back but people can be misguided and do wrong. If we repent and learn from them that is what matters? (Apart from not doing wrong in the first place). And she did it because she was drunk. That makes her act not as she would do sober. Therefore although she is accountable she is not being 'herself' no?

What did you mean by: "And finally don't fool yourself to think that a haram relationship between a man and woman is mere 'holding hands' and 'kissing and hugging'."

Wa alaykum salam,

Far be it from me to judge this girl unfairly (I hope she finds guidance, inshaAllah) but from your description, it does not seem she is (currently) good wife material at all.

Don't let your emotions guide or misguide you brother. Infatuation is a game of the shaytan.

Having ex-boyfriends and kissing them is no small deal. It's a huge red flag. Likewise clubbing. Likewise the alcohol. So you have three blatant red-flags staring you in the face.

Just look at the negative influence she has already had on you. She's dragged you toward clubbing and led you to kiss her.

If I were your parent, I would not give you my blessing to marry this girl. Again, nothing to do with judgements or condemnations of her but rather due to practicality issues. She, despite what it seems like to you, currently (and I wish her all the success in future inshaAllah) is NOT a good muslim sister at all. Stop looking at her through rose tinted glasses brother.

Still, I appreciate the difficulty in seperating from a love interest and if you still wish to pursue her, I advise you to make some demands of her.

FORCE her to stop clubbing.
FORCE her to stop drinking.

Don't baby around these issues (i.e. 'she'll do it in her own time', 'give her space' etc etc). Sounds harsh, but you seem like a good brother who has his head screwed on correctly. I'd hate to see you end up with someone unsuitable and for you to only realise it when it's too late.

Imagine you get married and you guys both go clubbing as a husband and wife activity? How stupid is that? If you insist on this marriage, you have to get her off all this haram as forcefully and sternly as possible.

Don't marry her if she is still doing these things, it's likely to only bring distress. Make sure she also prays salah at the very least.

The rose tinted glasses really hinder my judgement. I have considered telling her if she wishes to purse this further (i.e. marriage) I shall not be there unless she stops clubbing and drinking. Thank you for seeing me as a good brother. I do try to be pious and I am not 'misguided'. But I feel like I am in trouble and I do not wish to commit sin. And she does pray salah almost everyday (sometimes university schedule doesn't permit - I know this isn't an excuse but what can I say?).

I think a future with this girl will just end in tears and will not end well. I know what I have to do but it will be very hard and I ask Allah SWT for strength.

Thank you very much for all your answers. They have been infinitely helpful for me.

P.S.I just wanted to know how you would feel if you met a man (or woman) who you wished to marry but knew they had previously kissed someone? I feel like I have jeopardized myself in this respect by what has happened... Would I be obliged to reveal my past? Or is that only between myself and Allah? And should I tell my parents what has happened? I feel a desire to do so but I feel I will lose their trust and I do not wish to burden them either.

Thank you again brothers and sisters.

[Cabdullahi]

I'm sure there was a thread like this posted before? I remember the clubbing...drinking and so on, maybe its a deja vu

Maybe you can ask a female relative to help this girl to get back on track and to stop drinking

[anonymous]

I'm sure there was a thread like this posted before? I remember the clubbing...drinking and so on

Maybe you can ask a female relative to help this girl to get back on track and to stop drinking

I wouldn't be surprised if this is quite common in western society between Muslims. You're signature is very true.

OK so lets say I do ask a female relative to help this girl stop etc.

What about the marriage aspect of it?

"Now here is the other problem. I am Pakistani and she is not (she is still Asian though) and she is also a few years older than me. Now my parents always thought I'd marry a younger Pakistani girl but I really love this girl a lot and I want to marry her but I do not know what to do... I have mildly discussed marriage issues with parents and my mum thinks I'm being stupid to ever want to marry an older girl especially one who is not Pakistani. (I suggested it as a hypothetical scenario - she doesn't know what has happened)."

My parents are unaware I like a girl and unaware of what has happened etc so it'd pretty much be like hello mother, father. I like this girl, she is older than me and not Pakistani. I want to marry her. *slap* (exaggerated scenario but you get the idea). I'm sure my parents would accept her if I loved her that much but I still am confused about everything. I don't know if I want to marry her now because I kissed her and I always thought I'd never be that intimate with anyone other than my wife, after marriage... I am very confused still... imsad

Thanks.

[anonymous]

By "I don't know if I want to marry her now because I kissed her and I always thought I'd never be that intimate with anyone other than my wife, after marriage..." I mean that maybe the only reason I want to marry her now is because I kissed her.

['Abd-al Latif]

It is not sexual lust, I do not desire to kiss her or touch her or anything more out of wedlock. I merely love her company and personality.

Everyone can be misguided. OK so she's not a 'good Muslim' right now but she is trying to give up alcohol and I am helping her and guiding her to the right path.

Yes she 'slid her tongue down my throat' and all behind her boyfriends back but people can be misguided and do wrong. If we repent and learn from them that is what matters? (Apart from not doing wrong in the first place). And she did it because she was drunk. That makes her act not as she would do sober. Therefore although she is accountable she is not being 'herself' no?

What did you mean by: "And finally don't fool yourself to think that a haram relationship between a man and woman is mere 'holding hands' and 'kissing and hugging'."

It's sexual lust because it was obviously an enjoyable experience dancing with her and kissing her, all of this with only the desire to have sexual relations in mind. This is why Allah commands us not to even walk towards zina. If it was sincere love you wouldn't touch a drinker with a 10 foot pole.

For you as a male to help her come to the right path should only be done through advice. if you want more than that then you should speak to other sisters and ask them to look after her because it is not permissible for you to go to a club with her, follow her around or do anything more what you have already done. If this happened to you while she was drunk then what in the world were you doing there with her!? She is already blameworthy enough to touch and tease a man to the point of sexual arousal but what about you? Did all of this 'just happen' and you felt no urge to stop her and walk away? If you've sincerely learnt from your mistake then don't ever go back to her, a sign of sincere repentance and it's acceptance is that one does not fall into the sin that lead him to repent.

This woman is fully aware of what she could get up to with other men while she is drunk so obviously she gets drunk for a reason! What man or woman would get drink knowingly if he or she was fully aware of it's harmful effects and what it could lead them to?

Worry about yourself and the shameful image you are painting of yourself while claiming to help a drunken, lost woman.

[anonymous]

It's sexual lust because it was obviously an enjoyable experience dancing with her and kissing her, all of this with only the desire to have sexual relations in mind. This is why Allah commands us not to even walk towards zina. If it was sincere love you wouldn't touch a drinker with a 10 foot pole.

For you as a male to help her come to the right path should only be done through advice. if you want more than that then you should speak to other sisters and ask them to look after her because it is not permissible for you to go to a club with her, follow her around or do anything more what you have already done. If this happened to you while she was drunk than what in the world were you doing there with her!? She is already blameworthy enough to touch and tease a man to the point of sexual arousal but what about you? Did all of this 'just happen' and you felt no urge to stop her and walk away? If you've sincerely learnt from your mistake then don't ever go back to her, a sign of sincere repentance and it's acceptance is that one does not fall into the sin that lead him to repent.

This woman is fully aware of what she could get up to with other men while she is drunk so obviously she gets drunk for a reason! What man or woman would get drink knowingly if he or she was fully aware of it's harmful effects and what it could lead them to?

Worry about yourself and the shameful image you are painting of yourself while claiming to help a drunken, lost woman.

I wanted to speak to other sisters to ask them to help her but she does not want to tell anyone she drinks because she fears for her reputation.

And long story short, yes it did 'just happen' I did not say how long we kissed for or anything. (I stopped her within seconds of it starting).

You have talked sense into me. I was being naive. Thank you for this: "This woman is fully aware of what she could get up to with other men while she is drunk so obviously she gets drunk for a reason! What man or woman would get drink knowingly if he or she was fully aware of it's harmful effects and what it could lead them to?"

It reminded me of something she said to me when we spoke about what happened. She said she wished it happened with someone else like a random person so there would be none of this hassle. I brushed it off at the time and forgot she said that but I think I was blind and did not see the truth that I was used. Thank you for helping me see the way brother.

And you are right about the shameful image I am painting myself. I shall worry about my reputation first.

[Alpha Dude]

Be strong brother. I seriously would advise you to stay away from her. She is not good news. Seek refuge in Allah and don't get more involved than you are further. Imagine yourself stuck in a web, the longer you stay with her, the more you'll become tangled and the harder it will be to escape.

P.S.I just wanted to know how you would feel if you met a man (or woman) who you wished to marry but knew they had previously kissed someone? I feel like I have jeopardized myself in this respect by what has happened... Would I be obliged to reveal my past? Or is that only between myself and Allah? And should I tell my parents what has happened? I feel a desire to do so but I feel I will lose their trust and I do not wish to burden them either.

Well, personally, I'd feel disgusted and I think many men (+woman) would feel disgusted to know their spouse had kissed another before. I do see myself being able to 'forgive' it out of mercy and seeing sincere repentance but the thought is one that does not vanish from the minds.

However, you are not obliged to reveal your past sins. It is a sin to expose what Allah has kept hidden regarding your sins in and of itself. So no need to expose it to all for some vague 'peace of mind'. Keep it between yourself and Allah.

[Cabdullahi]

You have talked sense into me. I was being naive. Thank you for this: "This woman is fully aware of what she could get up to with other men while she is drunk so obviously she gets drunk for a reason! What man or woman would get drink knowingly if he or she was fully aware of it's harmful effects and what it could lead them to?"

Addiction........they find it hard to stop and they're fully aware its bad for them, their inability to stop doesn't mean that they are a bad person.

Maybe she isnt good for you(for marriage) because of her psychological state you dont want to marry an alcoholic...what you have to do tho as a muslim is to offer her help but make a female relative an intermediary someone you can trust.

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

There is no point in being with someone that will lower your iman as you are trying to increase theirs. I know your intentions were not to commit the things that you have already committed, but let this NOW be your wakeup call because if you let this continue, your iman will surely be ruined, and then what are you going to do? It's difficult to return to that place of humility when you're too humiliated and black hearted to do so...

If this girl sincerly wants to give up drinking and her sinful life, she will do it with or without your help, but with your "help" you causing her and yourself to sin, and as you already know in the heat of passion anything can happen and you may not be able to control yourself every time...it's like playing with fire, eventually you will get burned..badly. You are falling for this girl simply because you are spending too much time with her and because at this moment there are reasons why you cannot have her, which makes her even more desireable. I swear to you it's not worth it. Forcing something to work when Allah has clearly made it an obstacle to help you STRAY away from it will not just harm your iman, but your life as well. Think if you go further with this girl? I'm sure before you even started talking to her you never intended to become involved with a girl...but you did. Then, after spending time with her, you must've still felt guilty about it, yet you continued. Then, shaitan gave you more reasons to stay around her, such as to "protect" her, yet you were entangled with lust and eventually ended up kissing her. If you compare the way you felt when you knew you did something wrong the first time with the last time, the guilt is exactly the same, but you probably don't feel as bad for the first one as much as you do for the last one anymore..and that's shaitan working on you...the first guilt should've pushed you away, but some excuse/reason/desire made you continue and this process will continue til you don't feel bad about sinning anymore. Nothing is worth this sacrifice. If you die in sin what will that bring you?

Be patient, Allah is with the patient, and the best thing you can do for this girl at this moment, is LEAVE and pray for her guidance because only Allah will guide and you're not doing a very good job even if you had intended to do so.

Forgive me if I said anything wrong or have wronged you.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

[anonymous]

Be strong brother. I seriously would advise you to stay away from her. She is not good news. Seek refuge in Allah and don't get more involved than you are further. Imagine yourself stuck in a web, the longer you stay with her, the more you'll become tangled and the harder it will be to escape.

Well, personally, I'd feel disgusted and I think many men (+woman) would feel disgusted to know their spouse had kissed another before. I do see myself being able to 'forgive' it out of mercy and seeing sincere repentance but the thought is one that does not vanish from the minds.

However, you are not obliged to reveal your past sins. It is a sin to expose what Allah has kept hidden regarding your sins in and of itself. So no need to expose it to all for some vague 'peace of mind'. Keep it between yourself and Allah.

OK I'm not required to 'expose' but what if they ask? You can't exactly lie to their face...

Addiction........they find it hard to stop and they're fully aware its bad for them, their inability to stop doesn't mean that they are a bad person.

Maybe she isnt good for you(for marriage) because of her psychological state you dont want to marry an alcoholic...what you have to do tho as a muslim is to offer her help but make a female relative an intermediary someone you can trust.

I think the best thing is to leave her be. She knows how and where to get help, and it is not good for me to stay around.

Assalamu Alaikum

There is no point in being with someone that will lower your iman as you are trying to increase theirs. I know your intentions were not to commit the things that you have already committed, but let this NOW be your wakeup call because if you let this continue, your iman will surely be ruined, and then what are you going to do? It's difficult to return to that place of humility when you're too humiliated and black hearted to do so...

If this girl sincerly wants to give up drinking and her sinful life, she will do it with or without your help, but with your "help" you causing her and yourself to sin, and as you already know in the heat of passion anything can happen and you may not be able to control yourself every time...it's like playing with fire, eventually you will get burned..badly. You are falling for this girl simply because you are spending too much time with her and because at this moment there are reasons why you cannot have her, which makes her even more desireable. I swear to you it's not worth it. Forcing something to work when Allah has clearly made it an obstacle to help you STRAY away from it will not just harm your iman, but your life as well. Think if you go further with this girl? I'm sure before you even started talking to her you never intended to become involved with a girl...but you did. Then, after spending time with her, you must've still felt guilty about it, yet you continued. Then, shaitan gave you more reasons to stay around her, such as to "protect" her, yet you were entangled with lust and eventually ended up kissing her. If you compare the way you felt when you knew you did something wrong the first time with the last time, the guilt is exactly the same, but you probably don't feel as bad for the first one as much as you do for the last one anymore..and that's shaitan working on you...the first guilt should've pushed you away, but some excuse/reason/desire made you continue and this process will continue til you don't feel bad about sinning anymore. Nothing is worth this sacrifice. If you die in sin what will that bring you?

Be patient, Allah is with the patient, and the best thing you can do for this girl at this moment, is LEAVE and pray for her guidance because only Allah will guide and you're not doing a very good job even if you had intended to do so.

Forgive me if I said anything wrong or have wronged you.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

Sister, this was a very good post. I do not wish to ruin my iman and I feel I have done things and felt the utmost regret.

"You are falling for this girl simply because you are spending too much time with her and because at this moment there are reasons why you cannot have her, which makes her even more desireable." - SO many people have said this to me, especially one of my good friends. I was in denial at the time. I need to spend less time with her and do it now before I get myself in too deep.

You are correct, before I started talking to this girl I said I will never get involved with a girl. Then when I got involved everything else was a slippery slope. The guilt the first time (and only time) I kissed her was so intense I feel it even now, months down the line. I thought it would go away. That I would repent and live on with my life. I even spent around 3-4 months AWAY from her. No contact. But still, when we saw each other again at university, nothing had changed... I do not understand this... I cannot avoid her all the time because we are in the same class groups etc. I will pray to Allah.

[Snowflake]

I have gone clubbing with her because I fear for what she will do and her safety when she is drunk.

Assalamu alaykum,

Everyone makes mistakes, but despite yours, you seem like a humble person brother. You have a conscience mashaAllah. That is why you regret what happened. In hindsight you probably realise that that need you felt to protect her was the shaytaan’s ploy to lead you to temptation. Give stern advice to this sister before she totally destroys her life. Tell her if a pious person like you could do something you never imagined, then imagine how easy it would be for the shaytaan to lead her into worse than she is already doing. Then please turn around and walk out of her life for good. You cannot save her, if she can’t save herself from her own self.

P.S.I just wanted to know how you would feel if you met a man (or woman) who you wished to marry but knew they had previously kissed someone?

Provided the person had repented and regretted their actions, then inshaAllah I’d treat them the same as any other pious person. But at the same time, I wouldn’t look at a club-going brother and think ‘Oh I’ll help him to stop drinking and become pious inshaAllah.’

I feel like I have jeopardized myself in this respect by what has happened... Would I be obliged to reveal my past? Or is that only between myself and Allah? And should I tell my parents what has happened?

Make lots of tawbah Brother and inshaAllah learn to be more thick skinned when it comes to feeling sorry for people who can bring you down with them. As for the second part of your question, I will let the scholars answer that inshaAllah..

Question
I'm a 22 year old married woman, I love my husband very much. I had a realtion with one boy earlier which lasted only for a month, in that time he had approached me sexually, but still i was a virgin, it repeated 5 times. then I overcomed that and i ended up that relation, after sometime i got a proposal and got married, i was happily living with my husband, but after 10 months of marriage i started finding guilty and wanted to tell my past to my husband, i started but it ended up in a lie, now i know that if i say the truth , i'll loose my husband. I had to take a false oath on Allah too. I did Tawbah, but what all should i do for rependence, Now i'm in a way to become a true muslim, and i don't want any sin to come to my husband as he is thinking that i gave him a true promise in the name of allah. I don't want to disclose this truth as it'll ruin my family, I'm helpless, i want my husband. Please advise, May Allah bless all Thank You

Answer
You do not have to divulge your past to your husband. You will not be sinful for that.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai (AskImaam)

I came across a similar reply regarding disclosing one’s sins on Islamqa, but I’m having trouble finding it now.

I feel a desire to do so but I feel I will lose their trust and I do not wish to burden them either.

Channel that desire toward making astaghfaar, and doing good deeds brother. Don't reveal anything that Allah has hidden for you inshaAllah.






:wa:

[cat eyes]

a pious man looks for a pious woman and not some astray asian girl who drinks her life away and goes to club. on top of that you kissed her.. these intimate moments are made for after marriage not before it.

this is such a big risk to take marrying some one with this type of lifestyle. are you forgetting that marriage is not some kind of a joke??

after marriage, the kids will come along. THE MOTHER will have to be a god fearing PRACTICING WOMAN who will raise her kids to keep away from things like this

and id imagine by the time you slap the ring on her finger, she'd have herself pregnant before you know it to trap you so it will be difficult for you to divorce her. PLEASE DON'T RUIN YOUR LIFE. why don't you ring the local imam and see how many mens life have been ruined over women like this...the man is left to raise the children while they're wife has been sleeping around behind they're backs and the stories that i have heard from imams are just endless.. subhanAllah may Allah protect us from such trials. please do not be so foolish to believe this woman can change..

Allah is her protector not YOU. why on earth do you feel you have to protect her for... these are all her own choices she is making and she will have to suffer the consequences of these decisions.

she sounds dangerous so keep away. you could die tomorrow. Allah is watching you and the angel of death can come to you at any second. are you going to say to Allah when the time comes when he takes your soul while your in bed with her GOD FORBID IT '' i was just protecting her''

please do not make me laugh. you should feel shame, you should feel guilty now stop this nonsense and wake up and smell reality.

this is nothing but lust. this IS NOT LOVE.

LOVE COMES AFTER MARRIAGE

when both of you go through trials and struggles together when your wife goes through child birth, raising children, growing old together being their for each other through thick and thin.

this post might be harsh to make you realise you are not alice in wonderland.. everything seems like a fairytale now. but it will not last if you proceed with this girl.

[Alpha Dude]

OK I'm not required to 'expose' but what if they ask? You can't exactly lie to their face...

Well, you can choose your words carefully in such a way that you are able to give the questioner a satisfying answer yet not go to the extent of revealing your sins.

This is not considered lying nor deception.

For example, if someone asks 'have you ever drunk alcohol' you can say 'It is not from the characteristics of a muslim to drink alcohol'. You can probably think of better things to say but you get the drift.

[*charisma*]

Sister, this was a very good post. I do not wish to ruin my iman and I feel I have done things and felt the utmost regret.

"You are falling for this girl simply because you are spending too much time with her and because at this moment there are reasons why you cannot have her, which makes her even more desireable." - SO many people have said this to me, especially one of my good friends. I was in denial at the time. I need to spend less time with her and do it now before I get myself in too deep.

You are correct, before I started talking to this girl I said I will never get involved with a girl. Then when I got involved everything else was a slippery slope. The guilt the first time (and only time) I kissed her was so intense I feel it even now, months down the line. I thought it would go away. That I would repent and live on with my life. I even spent around 3-4 months AWAY from her. No contact. But still, when we saw each other again at university, nothing had changed... I do not understand this... I cannot avoid her all the time because we are in the same class groups etc. I will pray to Allah.

Kissing her is going to be memorable, especially if it was your first time, you just shouldn't attach so much emotional meaning to it because she didn't do it out of emotion, she did it because she was drunk which is the sad thing about it because you got the short end of the stick and kissed a girl who didn't even deserve it (not that kissing a girl that did would be better) and had no emotion attached to it to feel as much remorse as you do.

As for not being able to avoid her 100%, you have to look within your heart and know that your love for Allah should be above all things and you need to think about the blessings Allah will grant you for your patience. Don't think about this girl, I know you have some emotional attachment to her but attach yourself to an idea that's better than her until that idea reaches you physically through halaal means. Try not to look at her either, I know that's weird to suggest, but if it's away from the eyes it's away from the mind. You will get through this eventually, you just have to want it badly enough and work towards getting over it, and bi'dhnillah allah will bring you to which is better for you, and the next time you have feelings for someone, pray istikhara and ask for her hand in a respectable manner. Don't be worried about your past affecting your future spouse because your past is your past, if Allah can forgive us and we have sincerely repented never returning to our sin, then there's no reason for that person or any other person to judge you in any negative way. Allah doesn't love the sinners, but He loves his REPENTING slave.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

[anonymous]

Assalamu alaykum,

Everyone makes mistakes, but despite yours, you seem like a humble person brother. You have a conscience mashaAllah. That is why you regret what happened. In hindsight you probably realise that that need you felt to protect her was the shaytaan’s ploy to lead you to temptation. Give stern advice to this sister before she totally destroys her life. Tell her if a pious person like you could do something you never imagined, then imagine how easy it would be for the shaytaan to lead her into worse than she is already doing. Then please turn around and walk out of her life for good. You cannot save her, if she can’t save herself from her own self.

I shall tell her exactly what you said: "if a pious person like you could do something you never imagined, then imagine how easy it would be for the shaytaan to lead her into worse than she is already doing." don't think she will listen. I think its one of those things where you think of yourself as strong minded and willed etc thinking NOTHING will phase you. I used to be one of those people until the events I have described happened. She says she's "living in the moment" (a lot of the things she does and the way she is is due to a bad childhood and family problems - I feel bad for her whenever I think about it...).

a pious man looks for a pious woman and not some astray asian girl who drinks her life away and goes to club. on top of that you kissed her.. these intimate moments are made for after marriage not before it.

What is done is done, I cannot change that. I regret it every day of my life and I repent for it. But it was never my intention for any of this to happen. I never looked at her with lust or desire. I think the problem was that we got to know each other too well and fell for each other. Albeit it was in a group of people but we often spoke exclusively.

I am curious hoy niyyat comes into this? I mean it was never my intention to go clubbing for the purpose of seeing a girl or drinking or committing haram acts etc. I went for the purpose of protecting her for fear of her being in harms way.

this is such a big risk to take marrying some one with this type of lifestyle. are you forgetting that marriage is not some kind of a joke??

after marriage, the kids will come along. THE MOTHER will have to be a god fearing PRACTICING WOMAN who will raise her kids to keep away from things like this

You raise an interesting point here. I shall heed your words but is it not usually the man who lays down the rules and enforces them? (I am going based on how my family is and what I have seen etc)

and id imagine by the time you slap the ring on her finger, she'd have herself pregnant before you know it to trap you so it will be difficult for you to divorce her. PLEASE DON'T RUIN YOUR LIFE. why don't you ring the local imam and see how many mens life have been ruined over women like this...the man is left to raise the children while they're wife has been sleeping around behind they're backs and the stories that i have heard from imams are just endless.. subhanAllah may Allah protect us from such trials. please do not be so foolish to believe this woman can change..

Why would I marry her to divorce her? I would marry her because I want to would I not? She is not the kind of person who sleeps around. Despite the fact that she drinks, she still has morals and is a good person (maybe not as a Muslim but...). Just because you drink does not mean you sleep around etc. She drinks to get away from her childhood and history. I know this is wrong and she should pray salat (which she does also) but we are not perfect people...

Allah is her protector not YOU. why on earth do you feel you have to protect her for... these are all her own choices she is making and she will have to suffer the consequences of these decisions.

Allah may be the protector but if I walk onto a road and hope not to get hit by a car and say Allah will protect me that is stupid. Allah gives us the knowledge and capability, the wisdom to do what is right and know how to protect ourselves and others?

this post might be harsh to make you realise you are not alice in wonderland.. everything seems like a fairytale now. but it will not last if you proceed with this girl.

So lust comes before love? So in order for me to find a wife or someone I like I must lust for them before I love them? This does not sound right to me... Forgive me if I misinterpreted what you said. The post was harsh but I understand the reality (or am trying to at all costs) but what I do not understand is not every marriage is doomed for failure just because one of the partners was not always pious?

Thank you as always for taking the time to reply.

[anonymous]

Kissing her is going to be memorable, especially if it was your first time, you just shouldn't attach so much emotional meaning to it because she didn't do it out of emotion, she did it because she was drunk which is the sad thing about it because you got the short end of the stick and kissed a girl who didn't even deserve it (not that kissing a girl that did would be better) and had no emotion attached to it to feel as much remorse as you do.

As for not being able to avoid her 100%, you have to look within your heart and know that your love for Allah should be above all things and you need to think about the blessings Allah will grant you for your patience. Don't think about this girl, I know you have some emotional attachment to her but attach yourself to an idea that's better than her until that idea reaches you physically through halaal means. Try not to look at her either, I know that's weird to suggest, but if it's away from the eyes it's away from the mind. You will get through this eventually, you just have to want it badly enough and work towards getting over it, and bi'dhnillah allah will bring you to which is better for you, and the next time you have feelings for someone, pray istikhara and ask for her hand in a respectable manner. Don't be worried about your past affecting your future spouse because your past is your past, if Allah can forgive us and we have sincerely repented never returning to our sin, then there's no reason for that person or any other person to judge you in any negative way. Allah doesn't love the sinners, but He loves his REPENTING slave.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

This was a very useful post sister, thank you. I understand what you mean when you say that I have an emotional attachment due to the events that transpired. Whereas she "doesn't really remember the night well". You are very right about not looking at her. I saw her today (at uni) and when I looked at her I did feel a slight emotional twinge but I refrained from looking or talking to her and it was very helpful.

[cat eyes]

I shall tell her exactly what you said: "if a pious person like you could do something you never imagined, then imagine how easy it would be for the shaytaan to lead her into worse than she is already doing." don't think she will listen. I think its one of those things where you think of yourself as strong minded and willed etc thinking NOTHING will phase you. I used to be one of those people until the events I have described happened. She says she's "living in the moment" (a lot of the things she does and the way she is is due to a bad childhood and family problems - I feel bad for her whenever I think about it...).



What is done is done, I cannot change that. I regret it every day of my life and I repent for it. But it was never my intention for any of this to happen. I never looked at her with lust or desire. I think the problem was that we got to know each other too well and fell for each other. Albeit it was in a group of people but we often spoke exclusively.

I am curious hoy niyyat comes into this? I mean it was never my intention to go clubbing for the purpose of seeing a girl or drinking or committing haram acts etc. I went for the purpose of protecting her for fear of her being in harms way.


You raise an interesting point here. I shall heed your words but is it not usually the man who lays down the rules and enforces them? (I am going based on how my family is and what I have seen etc)



Why would I marry her to divorce her? I would marry her because I want to would I not? She is not the kind of person who sleeps around. Despite the fact that she drinks, she still has morals and is a good person (maybe not as a Muslim but...). Just because you drink does not mean you sleep around etc. She drinks to get away from her childhood and history. I know this is wrong and she should pray salat (which she does also) but we are not perfect people...



Allah may be the protector but if I walk onto a road and hope not to get hit by a car and say Allah will protect me that is stupid. Allah gives us the knowledge and capability, the wisdom to do what is right and know how to protect ourselves and others?



So lust comes before love? So in order for me to find a wife or someone I like I must lust for them before I love them? This does not sound right to me... Forgive me if I misinterpreted what you said. The post was harsh but I understand the reality (or am trying to at all costs) but what I do not understand is not every marriage is doomed for failure just because one of the partners was not always pious?

Thank you as always for taking the time to reply.

how on earth can you possibly know that she is not sleeping around also ?? i think you mentioned in your post she has also had a boyfriend.

your utterly deluded:hmm:

i think the problem is here.. your more concerned about how this women looks to you. she is pleasing

to the eyes and you do not give a **** about her deen.

good luck with this junky.

[anonymous]

how on earth can you possibly know that she is not sleeping around also ?? i think you mentioned in your post she has also had a boyfriend.

your utterly deluded:hmm:

i think the problem is here.. your more concerned about how this women looks to you. she is pleasing

to the eyes and you do not give a **** about her deen.

good luck with this junky.

Well she has made it quite clear to me early on when we met that she does not do sex before marriage (I was like ok... Did not understand why she was telling me this). How can you assume she DOES sleep around? That is judgemental no?

It is NOT about her LOOKS. I DO NOT desire her because of her looks. It is her PERSONALITY that appeals to me.

Of course I give a **** about her deen (and my deen). I appreciate you are trying to help and that I may be completely deluded in your eyes but I am confused. But I do know I no longer want her in my life. She is nothing but trouble.

Thanks for the luck but I do not need it. I ask Allah for guidance and I am distancing myself from this girl as much as possible.

[Asiyah3]

how on earth can you possibly know that she is not sleeping around also ?? i think you mentioned in your post she has also had a boyfriend.

:sl:
Sister, I think it's better to refrain from judging and assuming things about people we don't know.

[Asiyah3]

You raise an interesting point here. I shall heed your words but is it not usually the man who lays down the rules and enforces them? (I am going based on how my family is and what I have seen etc)

:sl:

Laying down rules won't influence your children's character, brother. Children tend to take example of the people around them. And the mom in particular is the closest to them, she is the one that takes care of them day and night and teaches them manners and morals when the father is at work.


Would you expect a daughter to wear the Hijab when her own mom doesn't?

It's not rare I've heard the statement "You've done so yourself at my age"

[cat eyes]

i apologise for my harsh tone

but you can get way better..

[Cabdullahi]

Come on brother just let her go you dont want no smelly alcoholic....just give her a brief note of how she can get herself back on track and run out of there

[أحمد]

:sl:

Seek refuge with Allah against Shayateen and stay away from people who lead you towards evil. Islam guides towards paradise, while Iblees and his friends work very hard to direct people towards hell.

The matter of helping the drunkard woman is out of your hands; referring her to an Alcohol support unit would be more advisable.

:wa:

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:

my thoughts:

if you find her too much of a fitnah think of it like this:

weigh up your emotions and weigh up how you feel? is she that much of a fitnah? yes, the fact has been established that she is

now

weigh up what what is obligatory for you to do and what is necessary for you to avoid.

escaping emotion is difficult. escaping Allah, death and the aakhira is impossible.

its your call.