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anonymous
09-26-2010, 08:58 PM
I met this muslim guy (im muslim also) and we become very great friends and really close
I knew having such relationship with someone of the opposite sex is haram but I ignored that because I really liked him. We did not do "anything" but the feeling was there so I began to kinda distance myself from him.
And during this time I got extremely lonely and realized that I really really want to get married and have a family of my own. So I told him that he and I could no longer be associated because I wanted to focus on myself and pray to Allah (swt) for forgiveness and for a pious husband.

When I did it I felt very liberated and so happy but now I feel like crap (its been like 3 weeks since we have talked and now he lives in India)....I feel like crying and I'm so tempted to email him because I really miss him ALOT and yes I may be young and these feelings will soon just be a distant dream but I feel like complete CRAP at the moment...........
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Ummu Sufyaan
09-27-2010, 01:57 PM
:sl:
pain, sorrow and all those types of emotions are really powerful and compelling. and since they are that, and despite how strong they are, do you think it is wise to act on them, or do you think its better to subdue them? (i intentionally put the word 'subdue' and 'not get rid of' becuase sometimes you cant help these feelings but you can help dealing with them) what will be the result of acting on them? you must think ahead.

these types of feelings tend not to go away (though over time they may get better) until they receive what they want. the pain that is associated with them wont go away until what is causing them, is removed. but if you do indeed act on them/remove them they wont go away until they destroy you. they will keep coming back becuase they know they have a safe home in your heart. things will be twice as bad if you act on these feelings.

what you're feeling is something normal and natural. people long for their companions, their wives, their husbands, their children, their families, their mothers, their fathers. sometimes you will only see someone once, and you'll never see them again due to death or whatever reason...sometimes people are forbidden from their loved one be it family or spouse. the pain still stay's (oh how it stays) but you have to deal with it....you learn your way around it...

what you're longing for is not this brother, but a companion and the reason why you are keen to contact this guy because best thing you can do to attain a companion, is to attain what is at hand- this brother. that's all this brother means to you- he is merely a symbol of the companionship you long for. do you think you will be doing yourself any favors if you contact him? no, you will be torturing yourself...you don't realize it, but it will sow seeds of a deeper hurt. do you know why? because you contact him, you will either
1) repent for the sin...the sin maybe wiped away, but the loneliness will remain...in fact it will be worse than it initially was.

or

2) contact him and not repent from the sin...this will lead you to contact him further. you may get married to him, but most often then not, that is rare of these types of relationships (sorry dont mean to be judgmental)...your attachment to him would have deepened with every time you talk and see one another. how is that doing you any favors if you don't get married? the pain you feel now is a ra7mah (mercy) compared to if you were to act of these feelings.

don't do whats good for you short term, grasp and hold fast to what is good for you long term.

these feelings may make you feel the way they do, but the feeling of piety, dhikr and seeking help from Allah, tastes a lot sweeter.

if you have trouble dealing with these feelings, put them to the side...we know they are painful and compelling...but weigh it up like this: what am i feeling? now, Islamically speaking, how must i deal with these feelings? what is obliged for me to do/not do?

so think of this from the shar3i perspective...even if these feelings hurt, just deal with them in the sense of what pleases and displeases Allah.


this is just another woeful trial of this even more woeful life...may Allah help you through it.

p.s sorry to be dramatic, i was just trying to drive a point home.
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cat eyes
09-27-2010, 02:48 PM
it was will of Allah sis. plenty more fish in the sea
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anonymous
09-27-2010, 05:15 PM
@ Ummu Sufyaan thanks sis lol you were not being dramatic you were just telling me what I needed to hear I appreciate it
and yea he and I can not marry but he says he wants to marry me so bad but his family wants him to marry an Indian girl......
that is one of the main reasons I wanted to end it with him bc we were heading no where....and I am so worried that I will not find husband. my mom and I converted to Islam and my step father wants me to marry his brother but I have talked to him and I do not like him at ALL well as a human being but as a husband not at all.. but my parents keep pressuring me...its so frustrating.
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Yanal
09-27-2010, 05:43 PM
:sl:
I met this muslim guy (im muslim also) and we become very great friends and really close
I knew having such relationship with someone of the opposite sex is haram but I ignored that because I really liked him. We did not do "anything" but the feeling was there so I began to kinda distance myself from him.
And during this time I got extremely lonely and realized that I really really want to get married and have a family of my own. So I told him that he and I could no longer be associated because I wanted to focus on myself and pray to Allah (swt) for forgiveness and for a pious husband.
It is good that you began to understand,Alhumdulilah.

When I did it I felt very liberated and so happy but now I feel like crap (its been like 3 weeks since we have talked and now he lives in India)....I feel like crying and I'm so tempted to email him because I really miss him ALOT and yes I may be young and these feelings will soon just be a distant dream but I feel like complete CRAP at the moment...........
Just keep your mind clear of him,and if the thought does occur in your mind,you must attempt to get rid of it with remembering Allaah. The Shaitaan will try to attempt destroying you with guilt that you did that and this etc,but do not listen,trust in Allaah,keep your mind clear and just pray for the best. Whatever happens ,happens for the best, sister.
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Ummu Sufyaan
09-28-2010, 02:38 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
@ Ummu Sufyaan thanks sis lol you were not being dramatic you were just telling me what I needed to hear I appreciate it
and yea he and I can not marry but he says he wants to marry me so bad but his family wants him to marry an Indian girl......
that is one of the main reasons I wanted to end it with him bc we were heading no where....and I am so worried that I will not find husband. my mom and I converted to Islam and my step father wants me to marry his brother but I have talked to him and I do not like him at ALL well as a human being but as a husband not at all.. but my parents keep pressuring me...its so frustrating.
first congratulations to you and your mum on reverting.

subhanallah...you don't have to marry anyone you don't want. just be firm and persistent but at the same time be kind when disagreeing with your paretns about your decision. don't let anyone force you into marriage. you are the one that has to live with him at the end of the day and if you don't like him, then its going to be difficult and may have a negative impact on your marriage. i think marriage is hard enough without having someone shoved at you :hmm:

speak to your parents and reach a compromise about the guy...try to explain to them your point of view. btw is your step-dad's brother a non-muslim? becuase if he is, you aren't allowed to marry him anyway.

don't give up on finding the right guy, be patient and make dua. it doesn't sound like your family is too fussed about marrying from your culture (?)...at-least you have some options.

inshallah everything goes good for you.
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anonymous
09-28-2010, 04:45 PM
Originally Posted by Ummu Sufyaan
first congratulations to you and your mum on reverting.

subhanallah...you don't have to marry anyone you don't want. just be firm and persistent but at the same time be kind when disagreeing with your paretns about your decision. don't let anyone force you into marriage. you are the one that has to live with him at the end of the day and if you don't like him, then its going to be difficult and may have a negative impact on your marriage. i think marriage is hard enough without having someone shoved at you :hmm:

speak to your parents and reach a compromise about the guy...try to explain to them your point of view. btw is your step-dad's brother a non-muslim? becuase if he is, you aren't allowed to marry him anyway.

don't give up on finding the right guy, be patient and make dua. it doesn't sound like your family is too fussed about marrying from your culture (?)...at-least you have some options.

inshallah everything goes good for you.
Thanks :)
yea my step-dad and his entire family are muslim
oh sis i have tried i would have better luck talking to a brick wall I love my parents but I wish they would just back off with him.
My mom says i am lucky to have this oppurtunity bc he is handsome, able to care for me financially, and his intention to marry me is genuine and a whole lot of other things but to be frank I dont care about those things he does not make me happy and i dont feel excited to talk to him I feel resentment toward him, which I shouldn't bc he has not done anything to me. And you are right even if we were to marry it would not last long at all. I have told her this and she still persists and my step-dad (I guess because it is his brother) feel offended and thinks that I think his brother is not good enough for me which isnt the case....It's just a whole lotta crap
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Cabdullahi
09-28-2010, 04:48 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Thanks :)

My mom says i am lucky to have this oppurtunity bc he is handsome, able to care for me financially, and his intention to marry me is genuine and a whole lot of other things but to be frank I dont care about those things
Shizzle what more do you want?!?....you got everything


is he religious ?
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anonymous
09-28-2010, 05:00 PM
Originally Posted by Abdullahii
Shizzle what more do you want?!?....you got everything


is he religious ?
I'd rather have happiness and love, I do not care for those things. I'd marry someone who was rather plain and unwealthy if it meant I loved them and felt happiness when I was with them.
Wealth and good looks do not last forever it could easily be gone the next day...and like I said I feel resentment towards him it would not work even if his intentions are genuine.
He is moderately religious.
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Cabdullahi
09-28-2010, 10:00 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
I'd rather have happiness and love, I do not care for those things. I'd marry someone who was rather plain and unwealthy if it meant I loved them and felt happiness when I was with them.
Wealth and good looks do not last forever it could easily be gone the next day...
Trust me this will soon change once the guy you love tells you... lets buy secondhand clothing and lets live in a cardboard box
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