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tahirakhan
09-28-2010, 02:14 PM
Salam to everyone.

i am really confused and down and really don't know what to do. 8 years ago i went to Pakistan with my family and there my aunt introduced me to her boy friends brother we only met once at my older aunties house. but i really liked the guy.so when i cam back to Scotland i still kept in contact with him.

2 years later he told me if i didn't come to Pakistan his mum was going to get him engaged to someone else so i left school just before my examz and convinced my parents to send me to my grand parents.i was there for 7 months and went through a lot of humiliation and torture because i wanted to get engaged to him.

Anyway eventually we got engaged and my parents brought me back to Scotland. but they was never really happy with me getting engaged to him my mum use to call his mum and make up lies about me like i smoke and drink and go with guy when i was not involved in any of that. And my dad would always say he wasnt good for me he only wants to marry me because i am British and the rest of i.but my dad had never met the guy he only sent my brothers and my mum for my engagement to judge him like that.

i started college a year later and got involved with the wrong crowed at the time my parents were going through a rough time dad got re-married without telling us the 2nd time he had married another lady before in pak but 6 weeks after the married they were involved in a car crash and she passed away.and my dad was disabled for 2 to 3 years.this all got to much for me so i started drinking smoking and going clubbing. during that time i was raped which i dont want to go into details. but this really made me pull away from my fiance as i dint feel pure and good enough for him anymore.

so i ended our engagement even though i did not want to. i took me 45 years to tell him what had happen and he was willing to take me back but i wanted to discuss this face to face so i was going to pak this summer to talk about the issues.but before i could go his mum got him married to his cousin.

i am just really down and have given up hope i feel i have nothing to live for. he did say to me he would get married to me once he was married but he couldn't leave her. but once his wife found out he was talking to me he denied all he said n says he only said all that to make sure i don't do anything stupid to harm myself.

i really only want to get married to him so i wanted to know even though he is married now can i do an isthikara for mine and his marriage is that allowed?and if i do do the isthikara will i get a negative answer because he is already married? and my next question my sound insane but i really love this guy a lot and want to get married to him. can i make any dua's for him to turn back to me and be with me? and if i make dua's to allah to give him back to me and to be with me am i doing and asking wrong?is that sort of dua haram to ask?

thanks and i hope someone can really help answer my questions soon because im really loosing hope and will to live.
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Ummu Sufyaan
09-28-2010, 02:49 PM
:sl:
life is painful. it is full of pain. reality is bitter. but out of these thorns of pain, hurt, bitterness and sorrow comes the sweetness of iman. we get hurt but we invoke our lord for help. He is your only help and iman is your only guidance is these painful times.

we realize how insignificant of beings we are and beg Allah to heal our situation/s. these trials are good becuase they inspire you to be pious (or try to be).

we let the tears flow if they need to flow and we don't stop them...we don't try stop the pain thinking that we are irrational for feeling the way we do. we are weak humans at the end of the day, these feelings are to be expected.

having said that, that is no reason to walk around in limbo by paying no heed to improving our situation or loosing hope that we will heal and that Allah will make things better for us. believe it or not, these trials are the platform and means of improving our situation. you know the problem, now devise a solution.

we accept qadr and keep invoking our lord to heal our situation.

may allah make things easy for you.
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Snowflake
09-28-2010, 09:01 PM
i really only want to get married to him so i wanted to know even though he is married now can i do an isthikara for mine and his marriage is that allowed?and if i do do the isthikara will i get a negative answer because he is already married? and my next question my sound insane but i really love this guy a lot and want to get married to him. can i make any dua's for him to turn back to me and be with me? and if i make dua's to allah to give him back to me and to be with me am i doing and asking wrong?is that sort of dua haram to ask?
:sl: Sister,

Do you mean, you want him to divorce the other sister and marry you? If this is what you are thinking, then it is unthinkable and involves breaking up an innocent sister's marriage. I pray you didn't mean this. If you're happy to be a co-wife, there is nothing wrong with this, as it is permissible in Islam for a man to have up to four wives. But there are conditions. He must treat them equally, or he will be answerable to Allah on the Day of Judgement. As a co-wife you must also make sure you are not encouraging any behaviour in him to mistreat his first wife. A good wife would encourage her husband to do what is good for his deen, and help him avoid what is not.

If he wishes to marry you, and keep the other sister, then make istikhara. Otherwise close this chapter, and move on with your life sis. Make learning the deen you priority. Knowledge brings a person closer to Allah. It makes you aware of Allah's Might and Power. You start recognising His signs in the heavens and earth. You begin to know your Creator and feel close to Him. When you feel close to Allah you achieve khushu in salah (namaz). Your heart becomes eager to meet Him, and your love for the duniya diminishes. My sister, this world is a passing, and sooner or later we must leave. We want our final abode to be Heaven. To be with Allah in His Paradise. This is what you should strive for. And while you are striving for a better here-after, Allah Himself make your here and now better. SubhanAllah!



:wa:
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cat eyes
09-28-2010, 10:41 PM
:sl:

what i understand from your post you want to ask Allah to break up his marriage to this sister so you can have him.. as sister scents also mentioned this is unthinkable

it will more then likely earn anger of Allah because this sister whom he is married to is probably pious and religious and to think about breaking up a marriage is actually evil.

you also shouldn't be speaking to a married man sister please fear Allah and do not come in between a married couple.. this is a major sin

their is absolutely nothing wrong if you wanted to be come his second wife, but your wali will need to speak with him and not you as this is haraam.

what you have to accept now is that it was the will of Allah, imagine if you had married this man

he could have done the same to you chat with a non mehram woman behind your back also.

everything happens for a reason.

have you received any sort of counseling at all because of what happened to you??

please concentrate on becoming more close to Allah. their is somebody for everybody just have patience

but i would warn you again please finish all contact with this man and forget about him and accept this was will of Allah.

we will be questioned on judgement day for every single bad deed we did in this life.

if your intention is to become some ones second wife.. your istikhara will be accepted if your intention is good.

Allah is not going to answer a bad dua sister.

may Alllah find you a pious husband ameen
:wa:
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S_87
09-28-2010, 10:59 PM
:sl:

if he and his wife are in a happy relationship, do not break it up. if you want to consider being a second wife that is something different, but dont make some kind of condition that he has to leave his wife for you before you marry him.
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Dagless
09-28-2010, 11:27 PM
Maybe it wasn't meant to be? He doesn't sound like someone you'd want to be with anyway. He didn't wait for you - that should be all the reason you need not to speak to him. You can blame his family all you want but nobody can force someone - especially a guy - to marry someone against their will. Speaking to you behind his wife's back also reveals a lot about the type of person he is (a sister mentioned this earlier).

You wrote he does not want you, and so not really something to pray istikharah for, ie. something which is not even an option. As for what you ask in your dua... well that's up to you. Of course it is best to pray for your own happiness etc. but I don't think there are any restrictions to what you can ask for in prayer (within reason and rules) - it's between you and God. If someone has evidence that this is not the case please let me know. In fact I've read that the dua of the wronged or oppressed person carries even more weight than a normal dua.

I think your bad feelings will fade soon so try not to think about it too much; everything happens for a reason. Trust in Allah.

Originally Posted by tahirakhan
i took me 45 years to tell him what had happen
:O
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Lonely Gal
10-02-2010, 08:19 PM
I agree u cannot pray for something when it will hurt others, especially the wife who has done nothing but get married to someone.. As hard as it is, I think u have to accept he has got married now, I am sorry to hear everything that has happened to u and I hope you are OK, having dealt with all the issues. It took you years to tell the guy what had happened, but end of day he had a life to live, no-one can expect the man to sit there for the rest of his life.. At some point in life, u just end up moving on, not always in the best of ways, but I guess thats the way of life. U never know who you may come across and meet.. Maybe you could pray for someone as nice as his qualities to come your way..
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tigerkhan
10-03-2010, 04:17 AM
:sl:
ur first miastake: u had make a relation/emotional attachment with a that man b4 marriage....i dont think that there is something else more harmfull for ones deen and dunia other than this.................... so its my request to all bro and sis plzzzzzz do avoid this thing...the best way to avoid this is to follow commadment of ALLAH Swt such as parda/niqab, no free mixing, lowering ur eyes...etc etc.............
2nd: u r a girl and he is a man, y he marry to some other girl if he was loyal to u as ppl generally promise in such relations......
3rd: "no1 maary for divorce but mostly love marriages fails..............so ALLAH SWT is HAKIM and HE know which thins will be better for one and which will be not...........u ppl have heard a love story laila majnnon but i ask u a qst : if majoon got married to liala, maybe they got seperated by divorce..and there will be no such love story... in urdu we say door ka dhool suhanay...bunda ka pata tab hi chalta ha jub wasta parta ha.... so if ALLAH SWT protects u from this marrige make shukar..is ma ALLAH SWT ki koi behtary ho gi............................ mashallah u seem to be loyal but see how much u had suffered....and kitnanuqsan hoa ha tumhara....blv HE never love u at any cost bcz i know paki man....they are muccch mucch sensitive in sense that some1 has relation with her wife.....so just throw out these all things from ur mind....ALLAH SWT has given us this small life as test and soon we will be in qabar all alone, no lover,, no parent and no1 else...immagine............devote ur life for ALLAH SWT and HIS deen...insh ALLAH loves his man more than 70 mothres so if u turn to HIM, dont u think that He will choose for U who is best for u................
:wa:
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Life_Is_Short
10-05-2010, 11:08 AM
:sl:

May Allah SWT ease your affairs sister. imsad
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