10-03-2010, 05:39 PM
I have never been very marriage minded, as such have let go of many offers along the way and never looked back. There are also several things in my past which have deterred me really, one being that the man I loved and hoped to marry died some five years ago. Since in fact my life has been taking a dive for the worse. I have concentrated all my efforts on my work and that really hasn't paid off.
I have so much anger and resentment in me but try to suppress it, I suspect since Allah knows what is in our hearts, to be the reason behind why my du'a isn't granted. During my early nubile years I considered myself quite the catch, and to be quite honest no one that proposed I had deemed worthy. I felt in my heart that they had proposed for the wrong reasons. It is a woman's instincts. If I'd known good in them, true religiosity I might have considered it although it would have meant a change to my lifestyle since I was raised a certain way and my inclinations and beliefs were always at odds with those that choose one or the other, I have learned to espouse them beautifully. I believed that they wanted to marry either for looks, or good breeding, or higher education, all which I was blessed with as appeared on the surface, though the back story was quite different. I was plagued with a disease for many years that was very difficult for me to rid of. And I was struggling in every which way.
Where ever I went there was a man who wanted to marry me, but I had no desire to marry. Because I always knew there would be some man when I was ready. Some of them were very affluent but there was always something missing. Always something that I deemed essential. I don't know what it is, I suspect it had to do with my first love, but regardless my heart was never in it.
I have been praying for God to free me from the bondage that so has me chained. And yesterday I received another proposal (though that wasn't at all the essence of my du'a), I don't know anything about him, other than he is a pharmacist, I still have a better education than him and wonder if he can sustain my lifestyle which even though I construe as minimalistic, its minimalism is deceptively so. I can't deal with weddings and families, holidays, visits, or cooking, believe me I wouldn't make a man a good wife the state of mind I am in, however, I have a painful desire to have children before it is too late I was thinking and this is so dishonest that I'd marry him just to have children and then divorce him. Please don't hate me for sharing my thoughts. As it is honestly driven at the moment by instinct. I feel that if I don't have a child now my chances will be smaller with each passing year and I think there are so few years now for a viable pregnancy. I can't do the life long thing, and I am so embittered by the events in my life. I can't deal with a husband. I don't want this sharing back and forth, cooking for him, doing his laundry, I can't humanize a man to the level of a husband at the moment, I don't know that this fellow is into these things but I mean I suppose they are expected from a wife including sleeping with him and I have no desire for that either.
Please advise me, should I wait a couple more years in hopes these difficulties dissipate, and see what other parking spot I can settle into? Should I see this guy and not tell him my intentions, or feelings, which I am pretty sure can be felt, I mean no one is that dense. Should I simply sponsor a child when things in my life are better (God knows if that day will ever come) and satisfy this maternal desire without having it be a genetic child?
I am comfortable in my state and I think given the level of misery I have experienced of late it wouldn't be fair to both bring a person into it, be dishonest about my intention. I mean everyone deserves someone who loves them dearly. But I have no love left in me, I just have the desire to be a mother..
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