Parents against marriage

[anonymous]

:sl:

A girl loves a guy, but her parents won't let her marry him, only because he's from a different nationality and culture, and for what people would say. She tries to kindly win her parents' consent, but they keep disregarding her and won't agree. She hasn't done anything haraam with the guy as they're both religiously committed al-hamdulillah.

What options does she have?

1. Move on, marry someone else and stay patient.

2. Cut the ties of kinship and marry the man she wants to be with. I know that according to many Hadiths the marriage is invalid without the wali's consent. However, in this case the reasons for her parents' disapproval aren't legitimate.

Does she have any other options left?

[anonymous]

1. Move on, marry someone else and stay patient.

If I weren't to marry this brother, I would still have to marry someone whom my parents would be pleased with, which is very hard. Having grown up in the West and adopted the Western culture, I'm so different from my parents (like my mom used to say I'm like Europeans). That's why I couldn't get along with my mom in the past (our relationship is very good now al-hamdulillah. :)) It's also not unlikely I'd face similar cultural clashes with the kind of brothers my parents prefer..

[Muhaba]

speak to a scholar regarding the situation. I read somewhere that parents /wali don't have the right to refuse marriage when they don't have a religious reason. The girl and the man she wants to marry can also go to another one of the girl's relatives, an uncle for example.

[Strzelecki]

^ Dingdingding.
We have a winner. :)

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[tigerkhan]

:sl:
to me it seem that basically u r from east and setteled in europe.......if its so dont neglect ur parents in such imp decion of life.
Although islam says their is no power of WALI to stop marrying if the girl and boy are "baligh"/mature are they both are agreed.....BUT wallah islamically v.less ppl i have seen "mature"....mostly young ppl take wrong decion in this time...thats y there is high ratio of falure of love marriges.
:wa:

[anonymous]

Jazakumullah for the replies.

speak to a scholar regarding the situation.

Okay insha'Allah. I understand that it's hard for anyone to comment in such matters.

I read somewhere that parents /wali don't have the right to refuse marriage when they don't have a religious reason.

In this case they prefer to follow their own cultural way of thinking.

The girl and the man she wants to marry can also go to another one of the girl's relatives, an uncle for example.

None of my uncles pray. Besides, they'd side with my parents. Not that they'd anyway want to get involved in this, let alone go against my parents' will.

[sabr*]

As-Salāmu `Alaykum (السلام عليكم):


The acceptance sought by mature children from their parents for marriage evolves from the protection of the females rights (Wali,etc) and also cultural, tribal, and status reasons. When any thread isn't answered with Quran and Sunnah when providing guidance start doing your research.

The Nabi Muhammad (

) asked for Aisha hand in marriage because she was underage from Abu Bakr (RA).

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 18:

Narrated 'Ursa:

The Prophet asked Abu Bakr for 'Aisha's hand in marriage. Abu Bakr said "But I am your brother." The Prophet said, "You are my brother in Allah's religion and His Book, but she (Aisha) is lawful for me to marry."

What Nabi Muhammad (

) said the four things a woman is married for:


Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.

The Marriage Process thread:

http://www.islamicboard.com/family-s...e-process.html

[S_87]

been there...all i can say is be patient, make dua that if he is the right one for you, your parents accept but dont cut ties with them. they are your PARENTS

pm me for details if u want

[Cabdullahi]

^Someone Pm the sister.....so she can have an excuse to delve into memory lane

[sabr*]

As-Salāmu `Alaykum (السلام عليكم):

This is the exact reason I dislike this section. 99% opinion. When Quran and Sunna is cited they still find excuses to maintain the soap opera. If they eliiminate this section it would be a positive.

Strange how no one is able to go directly to the Masjid or locate a Scholar that has been trained in the Islamic sciences.

REREAD the Dalil (Evidence) posted. Stop this soap opera!

[Hamza Asadullah]

As-Salāmu `Alaykum (السلام عليكم):

This is the exact reason I dislike this section. 99% opinion. When Quran and Sunna is cited they still find excuses to maintain the soap opera. If they eliiminate this section it would be a positive.

Strange how no one is able to go directly to the Masjid or locate a Scholar that has been trained in the Islamic sciences.

REREAD the Dalil (Evidence) posted. Stop this soap opera!

Asalaamu Alaikum, Would you prefer instead that our Muslim brothers and sisters go to Yahoo answers instead and get advice from the kufaar on Muslim issues? If this section is a means of our brothers and sisters getting advice then we should give them the best advice we can in accordanceto the Qur'an and Sunnah with the guidance of reliable scholarly fatwas and opinions or at least try to direct them towards a possible solution to their problem as best we can.

This approach of yours of attacking our brothers and sisters who are in dire need of help and have no where else to go is not acceptable and if you do not have anything useful to say then you should refrain from saying anything at all. If you have so much hatred for this section which helps so many Muslims out there who have no where else to turn then you should not take part in the advice section at all. For all you have done in your last few posts in this section is complain and have attack those who ask for help.

These people are in desperate need of help and advice most of whom are disillusioned and lost and the last thing they need is your constant attacks and ranting on. So please show some empathy and respect and use wisdom and tact in your approach and if you do not like this section then do not take part in it. Look at this as naseeha. Ma'asalaam

[Muhaba]

Jazakumullah for the replies.


Okay insha'Allah. I understand that it's hard for anyone to comment in such matters.

No, i meant talk to a scholar regarding the situation. Not only will he be able to guide you better but may also be able to talk to your parents. Additionally, he'll be an unbiased party so will be able to give you proper advice, if he talks to and gets to know the man you want to marry. If the man is really good, and your parents are being unreasonable not accepting him, then the scholar might be able to convince them. I know this is easier said than done. If you can't directly consult a scholar or imam, then maybe the man you want to marry can talk to a scholar and have him talk to your family.

In this case they prefer to follow their own cultural way of thinking.


None of my uncles pray. Besides, they'd side with my parents. Not that they'd anyway want to get involved in this, let alone go against my parents' will.

Sometimes parents may be right in rejecting someone. As the saying goes, love is blind, so you may be blinded to the truth about the man you want to marry. Just pray and do isthikhaara and if it's good for you, who knows, your parents might actually change their minds.

[anonymous]

As-Salāmu `Alaykum (السلام عليكم):

This is the exact reason I dislike this section. 99% opinion. When Quran and Sunna is cited they still find excuses to maintain the soap opera. If they eliiminate this section it would be a positive.

Strange how no one is able to go directly to the Masjid or locate a Scholar that has been trained in the Islamic sciences.

REREAD the Dalil (Evidence) posted. Stop this soap opera!

Jazak-Allah. I'm sure your intention isn't bad, but none of that dalil has anything to do with my situation. People's problems are much more complicated than you think. It's not put a dalil which doesn't even have anything to do with my situation and there problem solved.


I'm angry at my parents. Do you know how I feel when they put people's stupid thoughts above my, their daughter's happiness? You know what I would normally do? I wouldn't give a **** what my parents think. It's my life, my choice. I'm the one who'll be living with my husband, not them.

I'm sick of this. May Allah forgive me for saying this, but I feel like my parents are very ungrateful. You should see what other girls from my country are doing here. Unlike them, I've never entered a club or dressed the way they do or had a relationship with anyone or done anything else my parents would disapprove {I didn't stay away from haraam for my parents, I did it because of my morals}. Funny, their parents support them more than mine.

I'm sorry... I don't plan on acting upon my anger inshaAllah, but it's very unfair.

[anonymous]

been there...all i can say is be patient, make dua that if he is the right one for you, your parents accept but dont cut ties with them. they are your PARENTS

pm me for details if u want

JzkiAllah sister. I truly appreciate it, and I'll try to have patience inshaAllah.

These people are in desperate need of help and advice most of whom are disillusioned and lost and the last thing they need is your constant attacks and ranting on. So please show some empathy and respect and use wisdom and tact in your approach and if you do not like this section then do not take part in it. Look at this as naseeha. Ma'asalaam

JzkAllah for your understanding.

[Alpha Dude]

Think of the consequences of running off with this guy:

- in the case that it does not work out, who would you go to for help? Would your family be so welcoming after you intentionally broke the ties of kinship?

- Allah accepts the duas parents make for their children. Imagine going on to fulfill half the deen without this heartfelt blessing.

- your children would be kept away from their grandparents.

I'm not persuading you either way (it's a delicate situation) but just some points you need to think about before taking any rash decisions.

How would your parents react if you told them that you would run away?

See, your parents have two ways of 'losing face' amongst friends/family.

The first is where you are amicably allowed to marry outside of the culture.

The second, which would be far worse, would be to have their daughter run off with someone.

If you are as serious as you are about wanting to run away (I wouldn't advise it), at least give them this 'choice' of which manner they would like to be 'shamed' in. Perhaps that might give them a good incentive to reconsider. It's a kind of blackmail on your part and it would be pretty nasty of you too but I would think that is better than to simply run off.

What about getting some imams etc to chime in with some proper advice to your parents?

[أحمد]

:sl:

Jazak-Allah. I'm sure your intention isn't bad, but none of that dalil has anything to do with my situation. People's problems are much more complicated than you think. It's not put a dalil which doesn't even have anything to do with my situation and there problem solved.


I'm angry at my parents. Do you know how I feel when they put people's stupid thoughts above my, their daughter's happiness? You know what I would normally do? I wouldn't give a **** what my parents think. It's my life, my choice. I'm the one who'll be living with my husband, not them.

I'm sick of this. May Allah forgive me for saying this, but I feel like my parents are very ungrateful. You should see what other girls from my country are doing here. Unlike them, I've never entered a club or dressed the way they do or had a relationship with anyone or done anything else my parents would disapprove {I didn't stay away from haraam for my parents, I did it because of my morals}. Funny, their parents support them more than mine.

I'm sorry... I don't plan on acting upon my anger inshaAllah, but it's very unfair.

You should try not to be angry at your parents over a matter which doesn't revolve around certainty; neither you, nor they know what is to come. Prayer and patience are given a special place in all situations. Jabir bin Abdullah (RA) reports the Istikhaarah as a beneficial prayer for anyone wishing to seek advice from Allah. The Istikhaarah is more than advice; it is also a means of asking Allah to make the right choice easier for you.

As for your parents; they have every right to advise you in any matter about your life, although this doesn't mean they have the right to force any decision upon you; you still have to respect that they are your parents. You may disagree with them, but it doesn't need to involve anger.

Whatever haram other girls maybe participating in; their parents maybe supporting them more than yours support you. This dunyah is a trial. Those who chose this dunyah; Allah gives it to them, but they have nothing in the Aakhirah. Don't be disappointed or angry over such matters, if the dunyah was meant to be a place of ease for the mu-min; the most pious mu-min would have the least troubles in life. Of course we know this isn't the case; Rasoolullah :saws1: faced much hardship throughout his life.

After reading several posts in this thread, I understand the point being made by sabr*; rather than answering from an Islamic advice, some people resort to their own philosophies. Sabr* has rightly pointed out this problem. Maybe this matter about philosophies should be addressed to the adminmistration team to consider if a rule ammendment may make some improvement. I've seen people using their own philosophies several times; attributing them to Islam.

:wa:

[Muhaba]

What you said about dunya being a trial etc is good advice. May Allah reward you for good intentions.

However, this is an advice section not an "islamic advice" section. People will give their advice which may not be the islamic ruling in some matter, as many aren't scholars, but i haven't seen anyone giving incorrect advice and attributing it to Islam (in this thread). or do you want evidence to be provided everytime something is said?. Please don't accuse people of attributing their advice/opinions to Islam. If you do, then quote the exact sentence where someone provided unislamic advice and attributed it to Islam.

[Muhaba]

Think of the consequences of running off with this guy:

- in the case that it does not work out, who would you go to for help? Would your family be so welcoming after you intentionally broke the ties of kinship?

- Allah accepts the duas parents make for their children. Imagine going on to fulfill half the deen without this heartfelt blessing.

- your children would be kept away from their grandparents.

I'm not persuading you either way (it's a delicate situation) but just some points you need to think about before taking any rash decisions.

How would your parents react if you told them that you would run away?

See, your parents have two ways of 'losing face' amongst friends/family.

The first is where you are amicably allowed to marry outside of the culture.

The second, which would be far worse, would be to have their daughter run off with someone.

If you are as serious as you are about wanting to run away (I wouldn't advise it), at least give them this 'choice' of which manner they would like to be 'shamed' in. Perhaps that might give them a good incentive to reconsider. It's a kind of blackmail on your part and it would be pretty nasty of you too but I would think that is better than to simply run off.

What about getting some imams etc to chime in with some proper advice to your parents?

Who said anything about running away?

Sister anonymous, do not even consider running away as you will put yourself in serious danger.

[أحمد]

:sl:

What you said about dunya being a trial etc is good advice. May Allah reward you for good intentions.

However, this is an advice section not an "islamic advice" section. People will give their advice which may not be the islamic ruling in some matter, as many aren't scholars, but i haven't seen anyone giving incorrect advice and attributing it to Islam (in this thread). or do you want evidence to be provided everytime something is said?. Please don't accuse people of attributing their advice/opinions to Islam. If you do, then quote the exact sentence where someone provided unislamic advice and attributed it to Islam.

My reply was in context to Islamic advise; read sabr*'s posts, then read mine. It may prevent much misinterpretation.

:wa:

[Alpha Dude]

Muhaba, I assumed running away (i.e. away from the family) from this:

2. Cut the ties of kinship and marry the man she wants to be with. I know that according to many Hadiths the marriage is invalid without the wali's consent. However, in this case the reasons for her parents' disapproval aren't legitimate.

[anonymous]

[I][B]:sl:

You should try not to be angry at your parents over a matter which doesn't revolve around certainty; neither you, nor they know what is to come. Prayer and patience are given a special place in all situations. Jabir bin Abdullah (RA) reports the Istikhaarah as a beneficial prayer for anyone wishing to seek advice from Allah. The Istikhaarah is more than advice; it is also a means of asking Allah to make the right choice easier for you.

As for your parents; they have every right to advise you in any matter about your life, although this doesn't mean they have the right to force any decision upon you; you still have to respect that they are your parents. You may disagree with them, but it doesn't need to involve anger.

Whatever haram other girls maybe participating in; their parents maybe supporting them more than yours support you. This dunyah is a trial. Those who chose this dunyah; Allah gives it to them, but they have nothing in the Aakhirah. Don't be disappointed or angry over such matters, if the dunyah was meant to be a place of ease for the mu-min; the most pious mu-min would have the least troubles in life. Of course we know this isn't the case; Rasoolullah :saws1: faced much hardship throughout his life.

I regret a lot making that post. It was very stupid of me to mention what my friends do. It's none of my business what they do and to everyone their deeds. I should be dead grateful that Allah guided me and protected me.

Astaghfirullah for what I said about my parents too. I'm so sorry for being so arrogant. I could never compensate them for what they've done for me, not even a tiny bit. I can't believe that my hands wrote such words. Just in one second I forgot everything they did and suffered for our sake.

[anonymous]

Muhaba, I assumed running away (i.e. away from the family) from this:

Yes, I saw that as one of the possible options (not in a serious manner). Your suggestion was good by the way. Jazakallah.

I think I will do what I can and leave the rest in the hands of Allah insha'Allah. JzkAllah everyone.

Do you think I should ask for this thread to be deleted? I'm afraid it'd be a cause of fitnah for younger sisters.

[Hamza Asadullah]

:sl:

A girl loves a guy, but her parents won't let her marry him, only because he's from a different nationality and culture, and for what people would say. She tries to kindly win her parents' consent, but they keep disregarding her and won't agree. She hasn't done anything haraam with the guy as they're both religiously committed al-hamdulillah.

What options does she have?

1. Move on, marry someone else and stay patient.

2. Cut the ties of kinship and marry the man she wants to be with. I know that according to many Hadiths the marriage is invalid without the wali's consent. However, in this case the reasons for her parents' disapproval aren't legitimate.

Does she have any other options left?

Asalaamu Alaikum, my sister jazakallahu khayran for sharing your issue with us. This is an issue that is growing especially in the west where more and more Muslims are marrying into other cultures and nationalities and at the same time the first generation who came to this country ie our parents do not agree with it due to their cultural views about how it will be seen by others or them wanting their children to marry those of the same caste or culture or even within the family etc. Islamically if a potential partner is Islamically sound then they should not be rejected without a valid reason and cultural differences is certainly not a valid reason to reject someone.

You should cut off all contact with the brother as staying in touch with a non mahram is not permissable and it will not help your situation. By talking to him in the first place then your feelings and bond will get stronger towards him hence it would be harder to let go and at the same time you will incur sin for staying in touch with a non mahram. Therefore all contact should be cut off and you should firstly ask of Allah to do what is best for you and at the same time go to a reliable and experiened scholar of Islam and ask for his advice on the matter.

My sister you should put your full reliance, trust and faith in Allah that whatever happens in this situation will happen for the best so if you do end up marrying him then it would be the best for you but if you don't then that is also the best for you but whatever you do in life never cut off the ties of kinship as this will be something you will regret forever and if things go wrong then you will lose everything.

Whatever happens in life and no matter how much we disagree with our parents we should NEVER even raise our voice above theirs as Allah has given our parents the highest of status. We must always treat them with the utmost respect and reject and disregard the evil whispers of Satan who is just wanting to create enmity in our hearts for our parents especially if they give us a hard time. Serving ones parents is better than Jihad so serve your parents whilst they are alive for on the day of judgement when we realise the reward we could have gained and how much we could have pleased Allah by serving our parents then we will wish that we spent every second serving our parents in the world.

So my sister treat your parents the best and put your full faith and reliance in Allah and he will certainly do what is best for you and never doubt that. If you do not end up with this guy then it may be that Allah has someone better for you you who would be the best for you in this life and the next.

And Allah knows best in all matters

[S_87]

sister is it possible to discuss this in sisters section?

[tigerkhan]

I'm angry at my parents. Do you know how I feel when they put people's stupid thoughts above my, their daughter's happiness? You know what I would normally do? I wouldn't give a **** what my parents think. It's my life, my choice. I'm the one who'll be living with my husband, not them.

I'm sick of this. May Allah forgive me for saying this, but I feel like my parents are very ungrateful. You should see what other girls from my country are doing here. Unlike them, I've never entered a club or dressed the way they do or had a relationship with anyone or done anything else my parents would disapprove {I didn't stay away from haraam for my parents, I did it because of my morals}. Funny, their parents support them more than mine.

ALLAH SWT reward u for this purity and piouty....