This also goes for the third issue. I have an idea of what you are on about but need a bit more detail on this question to.
i'll leave that for now :-[ but i have other issues regarding my iman.
1. my prayers. it feels heartbreaking sometimes when i think back at how i used to be pious and strict with my prayers. now i delay them imsad. there are some days where i delay them late, and i feel bad for a few days, but then something goes haywire again. i just want to snap out of this. even with my non-obligatory prayers i dont perform anymore, expect witr :(
im not sure what went wrong, but i suspect it has something to do with some type of whispering from the shaytaan i experienced a few years ago until it made me reach a point where it made me feel lazy in prayers. i feel they are such a struggle sometimes and i fight as much as i can not to have that feeling. i just cant seem to get rid of the wiswaas :(. its good now compared to a few years ago, but the problem is, is that its become like second nature where i dont know actually realize that it is affecting me. but i none-the-less know that its still there.
i want to be a good Muslim and i want to reach higher levels with my iman than where i am now, but i also think to myself how am i ever gna reach my aspirations when i cant even perform prayer properly. good Muslims sin, but they dont neglect their prayers, do they?
i know ur going to tell me that i should fear allah, etc. i know this, but for some odd reason i cant seem to implement it. i really do know how to fix my problem up, im just not sure why i cant put it into practice. thats what need help with more. what makes my lapse again after feeling bad. it like i sense there is something wrong i just dont seem to have the iman to change it.
other aspects of my iman is my quran recitation. i like to think that i can read atleast 1 page a day, (i used to read like 6 pages a day) but for some reason, i cant seem to discipline myself in that either. i have the time, im not sure why im lazy though.
2. my parents. i feel really ungrateful (which i am). i dont know what happens to me sometimes, but i dont feel like i have the energy/committed to look after my parents. i just feel like giving up and really looking at it (becuase i feel like this towards other aspects of my life aswell), i feel it has something to do with the commitment and energy i dont have. i feel extremely guilty and maybe its just shytaan whispering to me, but this is how i feel unfortunately. i dislike it and pray to Allah that allah helps me to look after my parents. if i were normal person i wouldn't have to resort to such dua. but unfortunate, this is the state im in. i dont feel like im a good daughter, or perhaps iam and dont really realize it...perhaps the fact hat i feel bad for these feelings means that there is something still there. ugh! who am i kidding :heated:
i just want to repsct them and love and care for them, even if they do wrong me. i guess i just want to do so for the sake of Allah and to avoid major sinning. i figured even if i did turn my back on them (god forbid) and even if it is difficult then maybe my piety and love and fear of allah will pull me through. and thats what i feel i need to work on. is it a bad thing to love your parents out of love for allah as opposed to your noraml parent/child love :-[ is it a bad thing that your iman has sunken so low that you cant seem to be motivated to care for them as they did for you so you have resorted to loving them through the love of allah.
sometimes my mum says hurtful things and it makes me feel sour towards her. i think she's just really sick of me. she doesnt even get that angry with me anymore, so i suppose she's just given up on me :( i dont feel like she really cares for me.
i wrote her a letter on eid and told her to be patient with me as it isnt easy to change. she believes it is and doesn't understand how difficult it is for me to become a better person :(
sometimes i blame myself for this as i reflect on the daughter i've been sometimes i reflect on how she acts towards me and what she says and figure that it isn't my fault. maybe we just dont understand one another.
even if she has wronged me, it isnt an excuse to do injustice to her so how do i fear Allah in regards to her. how do i get over myself and stop being so arrogant.
another thing aswell kinda related is u know how they say that however u treat ur parents then ur kids r gna do teh same to you? well, can dua avert this? cos she thinks she has hurt her own mum and i dont want to her hurt in return and i wouldnt want that for my siblings either. this is what scares me the most :( is there some way my mum can atone for her sins towards her mum :( i see her sometimes and the guilt she has :(. if you repent, do your kids treat you well? or is the damage already done?