annoying sister, desperately seeking advice.

[_masumah]

assalamualaykum,

im new on the forum, and i just needed advice and to also share my feelings with someone as i dont really have anyone to talk with this about.

i have a younger sister who is extremely annoying and annoying is actually a nicer way to describe her.

She is in her late teens, goes out and gets drunk, comes home at any hour, she has a boyfriend, smokes, when im trying to pray or even sleep she plays music, when i buy something new i lose it and end up finding it in one of her drawers broken or completely used up so i can no longer use it and this doesnt happen once or twice it happens all the time, she will eat and leave all the rubbish next to her bed so i have to clean up after her, and on top of all this she tells her friends lies about me, one i heard recently she told them that i sleep around.

sorry for spelling everything out, but this is how im living everyday and im so sick and tired of it.

my parents have tried everything under the sun but it does not work, even once she lied and told social services that she got beaten up by my parents.

she doesnt talk with anyone in the family, therefore i thought il give dawah with my actions, for example pray infront of her, recite qur'an when shes there, or listen to a lecture when shes in the room. this however backfired on me, she now goes around telling people that i think im some sort of angel and that i think im perfect.

i cant talk to her about anything as it makes things worse, once i bought her a gift and she was happy about it then the next day she turns into my enemy again and makes up stuff that i got her a gift as i wanted something from her.

One of her friends called me and she didnt like it and started threatening her friend to not speak to me, why? i think i know why, she thought her friend would ask questions about our relationship and would understand everything from a different perspective as in their eyes im the complete evil one. her friend told me that im known as miss trunchball (the headteacher from matilda) I know i must sound evil saying all this about my sister but i dont know what to do.

when i listen to lectures about dawah, they always say start off at home, fix your own home but how am i supposed to do that? wallahi it is so difficult with someone like her. if anyone else speaks with her shes very bubbly and nice towards them but when it comes to me shes the complete opposite. for example, my older brother once told her to leave the house and not come back, she was hurt by this and he never apologised for it but she still forgave him. me on the other hand i have never said anything of this sort to her and yet im still the bad person in all of this.

before i used to feel so sad and emotional that my own sister would hate me so much but now i dont even care anymore. i know it sounds bad but i dont even see myself staying in contact with her a few years from now.

[جوري]

when she called up social services on your parents that would have been a perfect day for them to pack the bag and tell her have a nice life with your new parents. In fact I know of one Muslim lady who did that with her son bagged his bag in front of the social services people and wished him better parents, even the SS people didn't believe that he was beaten or whatever he came from an obviously good home.. he was like a dog afterward really well behaved. I often wish some sort of camp or imprisonment on people who do drugs or are like your sister, honestly getting arrested and being out on their own is the best reformation. If I were you and your parents I'd try the non-reinforcement approach. Until such a time she realizes the error in her ways and if she doesn't then know that Allah swt can't fault you for the path she has chosen for herself. From no man's sin shall another be punished nor rewarded..

I am sorry for your troubles-- may Allah swt make your affairs easy for you!

:w:

[GuestFellow]

Walikaumsalaam,

I am getting the impression that your sister is beyond repair. I think it is best to summarize the main problems:

1) Your sister smokes.
2) Your sister drinks alcohol.
3) Your sister is in a relationship outside of marriage.
4) Your sister lies.

I think a best place to start is how did she end up like this? For example, did she start behaving like this at secondary school? Have you considered a family mediator? I am not an expert but I think the drugs she is taking might be affecting her behaviour towards you. What kinds of drugs is she taking?

Your sister needs to take on a position of responsibility. Your sister should consider volunteering or getting a job or studying towards a qualification. Your sister does not listen to you or your parents, except your brother. I think you should talk to your brother and allow him to encourage your sister to changer her lifestyle.

I highly doubt your sister will change over night. It will take time for her to realize her mistakes. Until then, ignore her. She does not deserve you.

[_masumah]

this all began when she started secondary school, she had very bad friends and she was heavily influenced by them as she was never like this before. we have had countless people coming in to help, there were social services, there was an outreach worker who used to come to our house all the time to help, there was a foster mum that she used to have. even her foster mum used to call me and tell me she used to find her makeup and things in my sisters room (in the foster care home)

she doesnt take drugs, she drinks though, but when she has drunk she will go straight to bed and not speak to anyone so its not really the drink that makes her do anything to anyone, its when shes sober.

Il ask my brother i.A, problem with him is that he is not usually at home, hes either working or out playing football or what not and by the time he gets back we are sleeping.

so regarding me giving her dawah, i shouldnt as she doesnt listen?

i also wanted to ask, as im not close with her or talk to her does that mean i have broken ties of kinship?

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[GuestFellow]

this all began when she started secondary school, she had very bad friends and she was heavily influenced by them as she was never like this before. we have had countless people coming in to help, there were social services, there was an outreach worker who used to come to our house all the time to help, there was a foster mum that she used to have. even her foster mum used to call me and tell me she used to find her makeup and things in my sisters room (in the foster care home)

she doesnt take drugs, she drinks though, but when she has drunk she will go straight to bed and not speak to anyone so its not really the drink that makes her do anything to anyone, its when shes sober.

Il ask my brother i.A, problem with him is that he is not usually at home, hes either working or out playing football or what not and by the time he gets back we are sleeping.

so regarding me giving her dawah, i shouldnt as she doesnt listen?

i also wanted to ask, as im not close with her or talk to her does that mean i have broken ties of kinship?

My apologies. I thought I read she took drugs.

I suggest you try to talk to your brother when he is available. Explain to him that your sister has made friends with lawless youths who could take advantage over her and her health is at risk because she is smoking and drinking. I'm certain that your mom is upset about this? Well explain to your brother the impact your sister's behaviour is having on the family.Explain the long-term implication of this.

You have demonstrated that you taken steps to amend the relationship with your sister. From what I have read, she does not want anything to do with you. It is not your fault to begin with. She is not interested in Islam. The most you can do is pray for her.

[_masumah]

Jazakumullahu khayran,

is there anymore advice regarding on what i should do? its been a few months since i posted here but the situation has become worse. she curses me alot more under her breath that my youngest sis hears and asks about it and so many other things and we dont have a good relationship at all. I can honestly say that i really really reaaaaallyy dislike her, even just looking at her makes me feel angry. if you were here right now and you were able to hear the conversation shes having right now it would make you sick to your stomach. dispite all of this i am still really scared that Allah will ask me why i turned my back on my sister? i still feel as tho im breaking ties. I know the sahaba (Ra) left all of their family for Islam and followed islam completely and so on but thats not seen as breaing ties, obviously im not doing it to the same level but does it at all apply with me?

please help your sister in distress

assalamualaikum

[_masumah]

so, no one?????

[GuestFellow]

Jazakumullahu khayran,

is there anymore advice regarding on what i should do? its been a few months since i posted here but the situation has become worse. she curses me alot more under her breath that my youngest sis hears and asks about it and so many other things and we dont have a good relationship at all. I can honestly say that i really really reaaaaallyy dislike her, even just looking at her makes me feel angry. if you were here right now and you were able to hear the conversation shes having right now it would make you sick to your stomach. dispite all of this i am still really scared that Allah will ask me why i turned my back on my sister? i still feel as tho im breaking ties. I know the sahaba (Ra) left all of their family for Islam and followed islam completely and so on but thats not seen as breaing ties, obviously im not doing it to the same level but does it at all apply with me?

please help your sister in distress

assalamualaikum

:wa:

You are not breaking your ties with your sister. It appears that your sister does not like you and wants nothing to do with you (sorry if I sound harsh). You have every right to be angry at your sister for swearing at you but don't respond to her.

Ignore her and continue practicing Islam. One day, your sister will regret the terrible things she said to you and change for the better, Inshallah.

I'll remember you in my prayers.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Jazakumullahu khayran,

is there anymore advice regarding on what i should do? its been a few months since i posted here but the situation has become worse. she curses me alot more under her breath that my youngest sis hears and asks about it and so many other things and we dont have a good relationship at all. I can honestly say that i really really reaaaaallyy dislike her, even just looking at her makes me feel angry. if you were here right now and you were able to hear the conversation shes having right now it would make you sick to your stomach. dispite all of this i am still really scared that Allah will ask me why i turned my back on my sister? i still feel as tho im breaking ties. I know the sahaba (Ra) left all of their family for Islam and followed islam completely and so on but thats not seen as breaing ties, obviously im not doing it to the same level but does it at all apply with me?

please help your sister in distress

assalamualaikum

Asalaamu Alaikum, my sister the reason why she acts differently to you is because she has a different relationship with you than with others like your brother for example. She feels she can get away with behaving how she wants towards you than with others. You were close to her at one time before she started going to High school and was badly influenced by the wrong crowd. You need to establish that you are her elder sister and so deserve proper respect.

This is also a test for you my sister as we are tested in so many ways in life and our family is one of the biggest tests. Therefore treat this like a test and know that Allah only tests those he wants closer to him and those he wants good for. It maybe that everytime you deal with her in a good way in response to her bad behaviour then you will be rewarded if it is for the pleasure of Allah. Do it for the pleasure of Allah and you will get so much more in return than you can ever imagine.

Here are some tips for you in terms of how to deal with your sister:

1. Try to distance yourself from your sister for a while and only talk to her when it is very necessery. Ignore anything she has to say bad about you. Don't be nasty to her or say anything in response to her abuse. She is only behaving this way towards you to get the bad reaction you always give her. It may sound evil but she is not evil it is just a phase she is going through but when she matures then she will snap out of this behaviour inshallah.

2. If you don't give her any reaction to her bad behaviour or abuse then she will start to realise that it is not affecting you and will eventually stop behaving in such a way. You will have to be patient for a while but as long as you keep doing this then slowly you will notice the respect coming back. You need to give her the impression that you don't care how she behaves towards you or how abusive she is it doesn't affect you. You need to give her this impression by ignoring her abuse and bad behaviour and not acknowledging it or reacting to it in anyway. This may take a while but be patient and you will see good results eventually inshallah. Your patience is for Allah and Allah is with those who are patient and the reward of patience of Paradise.

3. When you do start to notice her respecting you more then do not go back to how you were before with her. Still maintain that distance and act like her older sister not her equal. Advise her and be there for her if she lets you and opens up to you. Give her dawah in a beautiful manner using wisdom and tact. Send her weekly reminders in texts, e mails etc. Do all of this this gradually but as soon as she starts getting back to her old ways towards you then back off again and repat the same steps.

4. When you do notice that she is sad and if you feel that she has changed towards you then you can mention to her that you are there for her anytime she needs you if she ever wants help, advice or a shoulder to cry on. After saying this then leave the room and let her think.

5. Concentrate on your own life as nothing should ever deter you from striving to worship, please and get closer to Allah. He is your goal and he is what you should desire the most to be with in the hereafter. Do not waste your youth but spend it in the worship of Allah doing everything in your day to please him and refraining from anything to displease him. So increase your worship of Allah and ask of him to help you through these trials and hardships.

6. Try to have Islamic lectures and Islamic channels on the TV so family can watch it together. Try to read even half a page to family of a beneficial Islamic book.

7. Take down any pictures of animate objects in the house and Play the Qur'an in your room. It doesn't have to be on so loud but it can also be playing quitely especially Surah Baqarah at least once a week to rid the house of the evil effects of jinn and shaythan.

8. Be patient for your patience is for the pleasure of Allah ONLY so he will reward you. It is not between you and her but you and Allah. Whenever he becomes the way she does towards you then imagine Allah watching and waiting for you to be patient and when you be patient then imagine him happy with you because he would be happy with you if you reacted in such a way in those situations.

9. Ask of Allah in every dua to help your family and to soften your sisters heart so that she gives you proper respect and for her heart to be unsealed and for her to be guided towards the straight path as he is the ONLY one who can guide any person.

10. Most of all put your faith, trust, reliance and hopes in Allah and be patient for his pleasure. Just imagine in your mind the huge rewards and how pleased Allah would be every time you be patient in such situations.

Shaythan will try to make you think that there is no way out of this and this is because he wants us to give in and lose hope. But we must realise that if we continuously strive and keep turning towards Allah and be patient then the final victory WILL be ours! We will taste the sweetness of victory but in order to taste this victory we need to fight and strive through the tests and trials that life throws at us!

If one who is going through great trials continues to turn towards Allah in humility, meekness and in humblenes then know that the reward one will gain will be unimaginable. On the day of judgement once we see the reward of being patient through great trials turning towards Allah in humility then we would want Allah to have tested us even more so that we could have wreaped the rewards of being patient and turning towards Allah through trials and hardships. It is only on the day of judgement will we truly realise how much we have missed out on and how much more we wished we were tested by Allah so that our ranks were even higher.


Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, "On the Day of Resurrection, when people who have suffered affliction are given their reward, those who are healthy will wish their skins had been cut to pieces with scissors when they were in the world." (Al-Tirmidhi #1570)

So remember: Victory, relief and ease comes with patience through distress and hardship

Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "Know that victory comes with patience, relief with distress and ease with hardship.” (Reported by Ahmad)

Therefore let us realise that the bigger trials and hardships we go through in this life then the more rewards we will gain in the hereafter as long as we are patient and are constantly turning towards Allah.

In the hereafter when we see the rewards of going through trials and hardships then we will all wish that we wen through the WORST trials possible for the longest amount of time!

Finally: " Do not detest the misfortunes that befall you, for what you detest may be the cause of your salvation and what you like may be the cause of your ruin." Al-Hasan Al-Basree

If you need anymore help, advice with anything at all then please do not hesitate to ask.

I wish you the best for this life and the next. Ameen


These articles wil help you to maximise the amount of good deeds you do everyday inshallah:



10 Steps to Increasing our Iman(Faith)



http://www.islamicboard.com/manners-...man-faith.html (10 Steps to Increasing our Iman(Faith))



30 ways the youth should spend everyday of their lives!



http://www.islamicboard.com/manners-...eir-lives.html (30 ways the youth should spend everyday of their lives!)



Easy Dhikr which is light on the tongue but heavy on the scales!



http://www.islamicboard.com/manners-...vy-scales.html (Easy Dhikr which is light on the tongue but heavy on the scales!)



My Daily Ibadah (worship) check!



http://www.islamicboard.com/manners-...hip-check.html (My Daily Ibadah (worship) check!)



10 steps to getting closer to Allah



http://www.islamicboard.com/manners-...ser-allah.html (10 steps to getting closer to Allah)



Forty Very Easy, Quick & Rewarding Good Deeds for all of us to do Everyday!



http://www.islamicboard.com/worship-...-everyday.html (Forty Very Easy, Quick & Rewarding Good Deeds for all of us to do Everyday!)



VERY Rewarding Nafl Salaahs we can Pray Everyday!



http://www.islamicboard.com/worship-...-everyday.html (VERY Rewarding Nafl Salaahs we can Pray Everyday!)



Wasting Time is worse than Death!



http://www.islamicboard.com/general/...han-death.html





The Effects of Good deeds will remain forever!!!



http://www.islamicboard.com/general/...n-forever.html



Want to see the REAL appearance of Almighty Allah everyday?



http://www.islamicboard.com/general/...-everyday.html





Here are some very beneficial lectures to increase your imaan and fear of Allah:





AMAZING short speech -"The Goodly Life"



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fugf1DcNyc





Remembrance: ask Allah for his forgiveness



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-EK9r3rMzQ



Angel of Death!!! - Sheikh Ahmed Ali



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUzRJXlB2uA



HARD HITTING Lecture on HELLFIRE & the Day of JUDGEMENT! يوم القيامة والجحيم



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O6L_fBk7VM



Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 1/3



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWTehIeCOUU



Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 2/3



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXTtk7rWx_U



Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 3/3



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmiD86w9fBc



Islam - Punishment of the Grave by Sheikh Riyadh ul Haq



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWb-hYIm2WE



Death and the Grave by Murtaza Khan



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r2nzJVecqo



How can we not appreciate what we have after watching this?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkEBUC0APMg





If you need any help, advice or anything at all then please do not hesitate to ask. Please also mention me in your duas.



And Allah knows best in all matters

[_masumah]

Jazakumullahu khayran! all of the advice and the links from bro hamza especially were extremly helpful! jazakumullahu khayran! please remember me in your dua's.

[_masumah]

assalamu alaykum warahmatullah

situation is worse after all these months! her behaviour was ignored for a long time and everyone just put up with it which actually made me very angry because she was getting away with everything. In addition to that, my little sister is picking up on everything i.e. make up, high heels etc.

after a while my parents started to confront her again about everything that shes doing, what did that lead to? her rebelling more!

whether they are really nice to her and overlook everything or when they try and make her understand it doesnt work

Allah is the turner of hearts and He turns hearts whichever way He wishes and there is always wisdom behind what Allah does

I just wanted to ask that you keep me and my family in your ad'iya. The sabr of my parents is a-maze-ing Mashallah, may Allah keep them that way.

i feel selfish for thinking that i just want to get married so i can leave this house and leave this daily headache!

please keep us in your ad'iya

wassalamu alaykum warahmatullah

[Hamza Asadullah]

assalamu alaykum warahmatullah

situation is worse after all these months! her behaviour was ignored for a long time and everyone just put up with it which actually made me very angry because she was getting away with everything. In addition to that, my little sister is picking up on everything i.e. make up, high heels etc.

after a while my parents started to confront her again about everything that shes doing, what did that lead to? her rebelling more!

whether they are really nice to her and overlook everything or when they try and make her understand it doesnt work

Allah is the turner of hearts and He turns hearts whichever way He wishes and there is always wisdom behind what Allah does

I just wanted to ask that you keep me and my family in your ad'iya. The sabr of my parents is a-maze-ing Mashallah, may Allah keep them that way.

i feel selfish for thinking that i just want to get married so i can leave this house and leave this daily headache!

please keep us in your ad'iya

wassalamu alaykum warahmatullah

Asalaamu Alaikum, you can only do your best my sister for ONLY Allah can change the state of a persons heart. It may also be an idea to get the help of a behaviour therapist because there must be some underlying issues to your sisters behaviour. Try to get a Muslim psychologist or behavorial expert if you can and see what he sees regarding her behaviour.

Continue to support your parents and also remain patient. This is a test for you and your parents so remain patient for the pleasure of Allah an you will find abundant reward you and your parents way in the hereafter so much so that you wish you would have went through MUCH more just so that you can be compensated with abundant good deeds. The pain of this world is certainly worth the abundant good deeds that await us in the hereafter!

Read the following thread:

How we can get through hardships and trials in our lives


http://www.islamicboard.com/showthread.php?t=134300956


Do NOT let her or anyone else get in your way of you remembering Allah and worshipping him as much as possible. Make the best of every second and let NOTHING distract you from the purpose of your life in wanting to please Allah.

May Allah make things easy for you and your parents and rid this behaviour from your sister. Ameen

And Allah knows best in all matters