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Ummu Sufyaan
11-14-2010, 01:25 PM
:sl:
i need some male input.

as a husband, how important is it that you are able to speak to your wife. some people are hard to approach and you get all nervous and sacred of/around them <---think along the lines of that. i mean, from the wifes side, how important is it that she is the type of person that you can go up to and speak about anything, without her being critical? im not talking about a mere disagreement here, but the fact that she is a hard person to approach, she may naturally be negative about certain things.

what if you needed her opinion on something and she said no/disagreed with it? is the fact that she disagreed with it be more offensive to you, or would it be the fact that she cant seem to understand your point of view/understand you be more offensive. so in other words, the fact that she is sort of building "walls" around her and she isn't really the type of person that is easy to approach, would that be more hurtful than her disagreeing to whatever it is you wanted to speak to her about?

would the lack of her understanding offend you? how important is it to a husband/male that he feels that his wife understands him?

if she listened but still said disagreed about this great idea you may have, would it make you feel good that she at-least listened (even though she disagreed).

serious questions and i want honest answers. no unrealistic replies.
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YusufNoor
11-14-2010, 02:47 PM
Originally Posted by Ummu Sufyaan
:sl:
i need some male input.

as a husband, how important is it that you are able to speak to your wife. some people are hard to approach and you get all nervous and sacred of/around them <---think along the lines of that. i mean, from the wifes side, how important is it that she is the type of person that you can go up to and speak about anything, without her being critical? im not talking about a mere disagreement here, but the fact that she is a hard person to approach, she may naturally be negative about certain things.

i would caution her at first, but if she decided it was cool with her to openly critical of me [for no good reason], i would pack up her things and return her to her family.

what if you needed her opinion on something and she said no/disagreed with it? is the fact that she disagreed with it be more offensive to you, or would it be the fact that she cant seem to understand your point of view/understand you be more offensive. so in other words, the fact that she is sort of building "walls" around her and she isn't really the type of person that is easy to approach, would that be more hurtful than her disagreeing to whatever it is you wanted to speak to her about?

easy to approach? women in bars are easy to approach. if she wants "walls," divorce her and let her pay for her own walls.

would the lack of her understanding offend you? how important is it to a husband/male that he feels that his wife understands him?

we may never understand the opposite sex, but there are common grounds and we TRY. if she exhibits NO DESIRE to understand, then i have NO DESIRE to support her.

if she listened but still said disagreed about this great idea you may have, would it make you feel good that she at-least listened (even though she disagreed).

depends...

serious questions and i want honest answers. no unrealistic replies.
:sl:

so what happened?

"great ideas" about dunya crap can mitigated, negotiated or put in the recycling bin. items that fall under the Shariah are more serious and might prohibit or retard flexibility.

IF you only have 1 spouse, ISSUES can be a problem, cuz who else are you gonna turn to. if you have 2 wives and 1 wants "some time to herself," at least you have some place to go!

hopefully ;D

:wa:
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Ummu Sufyaan
11-15-2010, 03:04 AM
nothing happened :hmm:

i think we are thinking of 2 different things :hmm:

i would caution her at first, but if she decided it was cool with her to openly critical of me [for no good reason], i would pack up her things and return her to her family.
critical was probably the wrong word to use. try disagreement (strong disagreement). what if she had a point in strongly disagreeing with you. for some people they cant control their emotion and some things are sensitive to them so naturally they react badly which makes them not very approachable about certain things.

easy to approach? women in bars are easy to approach. if she wants "walls," divorce her and let her pay for her own walls.
i dont mean intentionally build walls...its just becuase the issue maybe sensitive that "building walls" happens without realizing.


we may never understand the opposite sex, but there are common grounds and we TRY. if she exhibits NO DESIRE to understand, then i have NO DESIRE to support her.
support her in what?


i think this thread's going to go haywire =(
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Tyrion
11-15-2010, 05:30 AM
Originally Posted by Ummu Sufyaan
:sl:
i need some male input.

as a husband, how important is it that you are able to speak to your wife. some people are hard to approach and you get all nervous and sacred of/around them <---think along the lines of that. i mean, from the wifes side, how important is it that she is the type of person that you can go up to and speak about anything, without her being critical? im not talking about a mere disagreement here, but the fact that she is a hard person to approach, she may naturally be negative about certain things.
I'm not totally sure what you mean here, but... I'll give it a go. If my (future) wife was critical of certain things I said, then that's fine... As long as it's not.. Rude. :p As for her being the type of person I can easily go up to and talk to about anything, I think that would be ideal... Being hard to approach is one thing, but too much negativity might be... bad.

Not sure if I actually answered what you were asking in that paragraph... Let me know if I misunderstood you. :p

what if you needed her opinion on something and she said no/disagreed with it? is the fact that she disagreed with it be more offensive to you, or would it be the fact that she cant seem to understand your point of view/understand you be more offensive. so in other words, the fact that she is sort of building "walls" around her and she isn't really the type of person that is easy to approach, would that be more hurtful than her disagreeing to whatever it is you wanted to speak to her about?

would the lack of her understanding offend you? how important is it to a husband/male that he feels that his wife understands him?
I think understanding each other to a certain degree is important in any relationship... You mentioned something about a wife disagreeing with her husband... Disagreements are to be expected, and I don't think it's realistic to expect a couple to agree on everything. For me, disagreements would be fine as long as the other person isn't being a prick.

As for the building walls thing... If I was married, and my wife was really unwilling to talk to me about anything.. Then that might be weird. Me being me though, I'd probably try to "break down" those walls. :p Idunno, but I just think the two people in a marriage should be comfortable enough with each other to talk about most things. Although that doesn't mean all the walls have to come down...

Again, I'm not totally sure what you're asking here, so please lemme know if I'm completely off. :p

if she listened but still said disagreed about this great idea you may have, would it make you feel good that she at-least listened (even though she disagreed).

serious questions and i want honest answers. no unrealistic replies.
Listening is always good. :) If my future wife, or anyone for that matter, listened to what I had to say and still disagreed, that's totally fine. Especially if the other person is really nice about it, as opposed to being mean and condescending...


But yeah, I'm not married so my answers probably don't mean much. Still, I hope that helped a little... =)
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tango92
11-15-2010, 06:20 AM
im not really a normal person so ill give you a snippet of what a freind told me. we were talking about marriage and he was like " i want my wife to be someone who, you know, you can talk to about anything. you know what i mean haha" then again he was fairly talkative himself.

i guess a more sociable husband would want a more approachable wife.

personally, i dont even know what id want from a future wife (in those terms) anyway. if i really loved her then i guess i would want to share everything with her. as a person im always open to criticism and always wish someone would advise me the opposite of what i want to hear. but if my wife didnt understand what im trying to tell her id consider it a fault on my part. if she disagreed with everything i said i wouldnt be offended rather id try to take it on board and better myself.

if i understand correctly i think you might just be going through an introverted phase. perhaps Allah has a purpose by it.
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jimbo123
11-15-2010, 10:05 AM
I'm not married. If I were married I would want to be able to talk to her about things. Not everything that's going on in my head but certainly deep thoughts that I wouldn't feel comfortable telling anyone else. If I'm not mistaken Allah intended marriage for couples to dwell in peace and tranquility. If you can't talk to your spouse, who can you talk to?!

So yeah I would feel offended if she criticized me - unless I said something un-Islamic.
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M.I.A.
11-15-2010, 01:18 PM
when i got married it was arranged by my parents, there was a definate honymoon period where everything is new and spontaneous...thats the easy part.
its only when you start really spending time and getting to know one another that real relationships develope.
the realisation that i am a deeply competative person when she shatters the illusion of my own piety.. which she does regularly lol.
to be truthful i wouldnt have it any other way, i respect her as an individual before being my wife. the challenge of being with someone that will bring critiscism rather than just give in on every matter is not the way to live a peacefull life but it helps me learn new things.

as for being able to talk to her about everything, well she has different views on most things and i tend not to tell her things that may change her view of life for the worse.. she's perfect the way she is.

aaawwwww:nervous:
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jimbo123
11-15-2010, 03:40 PM
I am very happy that your marriage is going well M.I.A.

Sorry. Criticism is the wrong word I used, constructive criticism is a good thing. I meant it's not nice for someone to constantly be pessimistic and belittle all your ideas/actions.
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Beardo
11-15-2010, 04:23 PM
I would find a spouse based on her communication skills with everyone, but primarily with me. We have to be comfortable with each other for a blissful marriage, right? All the decisions should be made together, every single one of'em.

Threads like these only increase my desire to get married. =/
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- Qatada -
11-15-2010, 05:53 PM
:salamext:


If you want to be a good wife, it would be better if you agreed with your husband, even if you don't fully agree with him. Why? Because a guy wants a wife who supports his goals and feelings.


Remember the hadith about Allah's Messenger when he came back after the first revelation of Iqra'! And he was scared, so Khadija said that Allah will never betray you because you care for the weak and orphans and needy. This reassured him and made him feel calm and relaxed. This is something which a man friend cannot achieve. Only a woman can achieve that.

Also remember the hadith about a husband or wife being allowed to lie to please a husband/wife. This is done to strengthen their marriage. So you might not like something, but you might say you like it to make your marriage stronger. There can be moments when you tell how you feel about things, but say it in a positive way without putting your husband down.



So Remember; Husbands love a wife who is supporting, not someone who is like a competitor to him. [otherwise he feels he's married to a man.]



I know this because i'm married, but also because there is alot of studies to show that; Man wants a wife who Respects him, and a Woman wants a man who Cares for her.
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Ummu Sufyaan
11-16-2010, 12:45 PM
:wasalamex

im going to reply to everyone else's posts in the following, even though i havnt quoted them.

Originally Posted by - Qatada -
:salamext:
If you want to be a good wife, it would be better if you agreed with your husband, even if you don't fully agree with him. Why? Because a guy wants a wife who supports his goals and feelings.
Even if it is at her own expense? a husband would understand why a wife would disagree with him if it were at her own expense and where she was getting the "bad end" of the stick.

That’s what this thread is about. that if a wife isn't too keen on certain ideas he may have and so naturally she will build "walls" around her, be intimidating, scary, not very easy to approach, flat out disagree etc, which will cause her husband to be cautious about certain issues to the extent that he can’t talk to her about them.

Yes that...how would it make him feel that he cant talk to her about everything he wanted to. would that bother the husband that he can’t talk to her? would it frustrate him more that she disagreed with him orwould it bother him more that he cant seem to talk to her (as talking to her would be something he feels he needs to do...he needs to know that he can talk to his wife without being scared, etc).

Remember the hadith about Allah's Messenger when he came back after the first revelation of Iqra'! And he was scared, so Khadija said that Allah will never betray you because you care for the weak and orphans and needy. This reassured him and made him feel calm and relaxed. This is something which a man friend cannot achieve. Only a woman can achieve that.
(Slightly off topic here) so what’s wrong if it goes the other way then? why do so many brothers put an emphasis on their wives caring for them when 1) they don’t seem to understand and acknowledge that it's also important that it goes the other way around (and the argument about supporting her financially is something different). 2) Despite the fact that many men are happy to acknowledge that women are emotional/crooked/deficient, for some strange reason, they dont really care to attend to this. You would think one who is emotional/crooked/deficit would need abit of emotional support and what not, no?

Are we really considered to be that demanding and seen as such a burden?

Also remember the hadith about a husband or wife being allowed to lie to please a husband/wife. This is done to strengthen their marriage. So you might not like something, but you might say you like it to make your marriage stronger. There can be moments when you tell how you feel about things, but say it in a positive way without putting your husband down.
What if it something he mentions does something that you dont like which is sensitive to you and you can’t control your emotion...so in this case your emotion overpowers you...generally with some people their emotion at times can be overwhelming/compelling that they can’t avoid acting on it. some people are like this...once they get frustrated, they need to get it out. it just has to come out.

So Remember; Husbands love a wife who is supporting, not someone who is like a competitor to him. [otherwise he feels he's married to a man.]
1. When you say supporting, does that mean/imply that he doesn't/shouldn't support her? not financially (which is one way he may feel is sufficient for supporting her), but in the way she needs, such as emotionally.

And respect is another thing I hear alot as well. i don’t get. It’s almost as if respect (and support) towards the wife isn’t necessary...or even the other way i.e that males don’t need care.

Im not sure that I understand what you are implying?

2. what's wrong with being competitive (other than the reason you mentioned). What if she competes with him in jest? What if it’s her way of showing affection towards him?

Are there certain things that he would feel that she is competing with him? What type of things would a husband feel like his wife is competing with him in? I hear that alot of brothers don’t want their wives work because he would feel that he isn't really fulfilling his role as a provider, would that be the only thing he would feel his wife is competing with him.

I know this because i'm married, but also because there is alot of studies to show that; Man wants a wife who Respects him, and a Woman wants a man who Cares for her.
Again, I’m not sure that i understand what you are implying here. Are you meaning to say that women don’t want/need respect? Or are you implying that they do, but perhaps in a different way to what would apply to the husband.


p.s it’s good that married people are replying because alot of un-married people seem to have this airy fairy idea of marriage which I don’t really believe that marriage is. So keep the realistic replies coming.

maybe some sister input would be beneficial as well.
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- Qatada -
11-16-2010, 01:02 PM
:salamext:


This article is amazing and i think it will clear alot of misunderstandings and answer your questions insha' Allah;

http://www.islamicboard.com/family-s...s-success.html

[its a transcribed talk of Shaikh Haitham al Haddad.]
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tigerkhan
11-16-2010, 01:07 PM
Originally Posted by Ummu Sufyaan
would the lack of her understanding offend you? how important is it to a husband/male that he feels that his wife understands him?
this things is much important for me. i want she should be wise, atleast if i need some opinion, she can give a good advice. i want she should be mature enough that we can do important decision by mutual understanding and mashwara.
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Dagless
11-16-2010, 01:24 PM
Originally Posted by Ummu Sufyaan
critical was probably the wrong word to use. try disagreement (strong disagreement). what if she had a point in strongly disagreeing with you. for some people they cant control their emotion and some things are sensitive to them so naturally they react badly which makes them not very approachable about certain things.
In my opinion you shouldn't have "strong disagreement" with something your other half has passionate or strong ideas about. The exception is if they want you to denounce your religion or jump off a cliff with them or something. That even goes for friends, but for spouses it's more important. If you have someone with a strong opinion and you go in with a strong opinion in the other direction then of course you're going to argue/make them feel bad. At the end of the day if you've explained your reasons for thinking the way you do and why you maybe wouldn't agree with their ideas then personally I think the wife should be nothing but supportive. If you can't count on your wife then it's not a great marriage imo.
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Ummu Sufyaan
11-16-2010, 01:27 PM
^ okay but this:

Even if it is at her own expense? a husband would understand why a wife would disagree with him if it were at her own expense and where she was getting the "bad end" of the stick.
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- Qatada -
11-16-2010, 02:13 PM
Originally Posted by Ummu Sufyaan
^ okay but this:

Marriage requires sacrifice, so it depends on the circumstances. How desperate is the husbands desire for that? If you advised him in a kind way, would he be willing to listen to what you said with an open heart? Or should he learn from his own experiences?

Remember, a person can only know by understanding their partner. If they are stubborn, it might be better to make your point when they are more open to your feelings. Or maybe just to learn from their mistakes?


Why is this important? Simply because expressing anger - from either side - does not make anything better, because you will still be with them after the argument is over anyway.


About the other points; A males main priority is to want respect, and a woman's priority is to be cared for and have positive attention. So a woman can advise her opinion by saying something like; "You have alot of good ideas! Can we try mine this time?"

A wife can make her point and opinion, in a womanly way - and it will have great impact on her husband.
But if she shouts at him, he will feel humiliated and not want to obey her advice.
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Dagless
11-16-2010, 09:19 PM
Originally Posted by Ummu Sufyaan
^ okay but this:
If he has understood what she has said but still decides to go forward then yes even if what you've written is the case. I don't know what the bad end of the stick is though. I mean obviously if there is any real danger to her life or family, or someone going to jail etc. then the answer would be different. Being afraid to give in or compromise because she'll lose face or some kind of leverage in the relationship isn't a reason (imho).
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Alpha Dude
11-16-2010, 09:32 PM
what if you needed her opinion on something and she said no/disagreed with it? is the fact that she disagreed with it be more offensive to you, or would it be the fact that she cant seem to understand your point of view/understand you be more offensive. so in other words, the fact that she is sort of building "walls" around her and she isn't really the type of person that is easy to approach, would that be more hurtful than her disagreeing to whatever it is you wanted to speak to her about?
If I wanted an opinion, I'd ask for it in the hope that she will give a genuine reply with genuine sincere reasons. If she doesn't like my idea, that's fine, as long as she gives her reasons. Nothing wrong with that. It's only when she would deliberately say "bad idea" to everything for no other reason but to be competitive/annoying that I would hate.
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jimbo123
11-17-2010, 09:23 PM
Originally Posted by Ummu Sufyaan
p.s it's good that married people are replying because alot of un-married people seem to have this airy fairy idea of marriage which I don’t really believe that marriage is. So keep the realistic replies coming.
I'm not making any more comments until I get married! Insha Allah!
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