Extra-marital affair

[Bint Haneef]

My brother-in-law is having an extra-marital affair with a supposedly convert lady but when confronted with the fact, he keeps denying it. We have tried ways to get the truth from him but he is very stubborn though everyone in the vicinty knows that the lady meets him regularly at his workplace. However, no one in the family has been able to catch him 'hand in the bag'. So he keeps asking arrogantly to his wife ' tell the person who informed you to tell it to me face to face'. In fact, he is very intimidating and since his wife stays at home, he knows she will not easily find a tangible proof. We have sought advice asking my sister to gently ask him if he wants to do a second Nikah etc but he is very stubborn and doesn't want to listen to any advice. We do not know what to do.

Do anyone know of any strategy we can use to get them both out of this situation?

May Allah reward you with the best.

[Adem Al-Albani]

Have Husnu Dhun for the brother.

Maybe he already married the convert sister and is afraid to tell everyone he has a second wife.

[Caller الداعي]

i think the best thing to do would be to contact a friend of his to talk to him who knows of the situation otherwise it will only aggrovate the situation more if ur family says something

[Dagless]

If you have no real evidence I think you should concentrate on catching him in the act. If she is meeting him regularly then try to meet him when they are together. It also doesn't make sense that she is only meeting him at his work. I mean what can they do at work? If he is returning home after work and doesn't go missing at weekends then I don't think it's a very exciting affair.

However, no one in the family has been able to catch him 'hand in the bag'.

:O

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[S.Belle]

My brother-in-law is having an extra-marital affair with a supposedly convert lady but when confronted with the fact, he keeps denying it. We have tried ways to get the truth from him but he is very stubborn though everyone in the vicinty knows that the lady meets him regularly at his workplace.

If you have no clear proof that he is cheating on his wife then you shouldnt make accusations.
He could in fact be telling you the truth that he is not cheating.
If she is showing up only at his work place then most likey it is work related. I think you should leave him alone about it if he is cheating he will get caught someday and if he does not then he will be punished for his actions by Allah.

[GuestFellow]

My brother-in-law is having an extra-marital affair with a supposedly convert lady but when confronted with the fact, he keeps denying it. We have tried ways to get the truth from him but he is very stubborn though everyone in the vicinty knows that the lady meets him regularly at his workplace. However, no one in the family has been able to catch him 'hand in the bag'. So he keeps asking arrogantly to his wife ' tell the person who informed you to tell it to me face to face'. In fact, he is very intimidating and since his wife stays at home, he knows she will not easily find a tangible proof. We have sought advice asking my sister to gently ask him if he wants to do a second Nikah etc but he is very stubborn and doesn't want to listen to any advice. We do not know what to do.

Do anyone know of any strategy we can use to get them both out of this situation?

May Allah reward you with the best.

:sl:

There is no evidence. Therefore, you should not be making such accusations. It is as simple as that.

Please state where your brother-in-law works. Does he work in a coffee shop, supermarket, post office etc? It is common to have regular customers. He is going to be upset when there are rumours about him. It is best not to get involved or spread rumours. It is complicating the situation.

[Bint Haneef]

Assalamualaikum all,

Well, Jazakalllah Khairan for all your replies. I can understand everyone's point of views as I have tried several timesto assess the situation from different angles. It's true, there is no evidence we cannot make accusation. Also I know we should not spy one another.To clarify things, he is a shop-keeper and they meet in the store...

Anyway here's the update. In fact, I took a taxi today and went to wait for my sister. When my niece goes to tuition, after he has dropped her, he usually goes to meet the lady and then comes back to the shop. We waited for him near the lady's place, the taximan was very nervous as he is a very good friend to my brother-in-law (in fact, that is the problem, he is so helpful no one dares to say anything in front of him and reveal the truth.). So eventually we found him going there, my sister followed him and when he saw her, he asked her in a loud tone: What's up, what are you doing here? When he saw me, he got really embarassed and asked that we go away. We refused to go back with him, in the mean time we asked the owner of the building (he rents a floor for that lady there) more information which confirms his extra-marital life. So we returned home while he is in the shop. At present, I'm at my sister's place typing this reply, but I don't know what Allah has reserved next. Make Dua for me. I think I should ask representatives from both families to meet plus a neutral referee to discuss the matter.

Baarakallahu Feekum

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam

so sorry to hear the update. So , they married secretly ?

What ur sis wants to do ? Tell her to offer Istekhara before taking any major decision.

May Allah grants what is best for your sis & the family.

[Yanal]

:sl:

Brother when discussing this issue/matter with your family, keep in mind that he has acted like this even with your several reminders of how he was doing a wrong thing,and how he has a duty to his wife. Ponder on about if this is the right man for your sister,insha'Allaah Allaah will help you.

[Adem Al-Albani]

There is no reason for the sister to make Istakhara on the situation or even consider divorce...the brother got a second wife.

Nothing wrong with that.

[Asiyah3]

There is no reason for the sister to make Istakhara on the situation or even consider divorce...the brother got a second wife.

Nothing wrong with that.

How do you know? You know extramarital means outside of marriage, which is zina.

[CosmicPathos]

How do you know? You know extramarital means outside of marriage, which is zina.

what is the proof that he is committing zina? just your whims and desires? have you seen him physically doing zina with her? sorry for being blunt but that is the proof required in Islam. What if he married her? We dont know anything. Dont assume stupid stuff.

[S.Belle]

Anyway here's the update. In fact, I took a taxi today and went to wait for my sister. When my niece goes to tuition, after he has dropped her, he usually goes to meet the lady and then comes back to the shop. We waited for him near the lady's place, the taximan was very nervous as he is a very good friend to my brother-in-law (in fact, that is the problem, he is so helpful no one dares to say anything in front of him and reveal the truth.). So eventually we found him going there, my sister followed him and when he saw her, he asked her in a loud tone: What's up, what are you doing here? When he saw me, he got really embarassed and asked that we go away. We refused to go back with him, in the mean time we asked the owner of the building (he rents a floor for that lady there) more information which confirms his extra-marital life. So we returned home while he is in the shop. At present, I'm at my sister's place typing this reply, but I don't know what Allah has reserved next. Make Dua for me. I think I should ask representatives from both families to meet plus a neutral referee to discuss the matter.

goodness gracious i think you should leave the man alone if he is doing something Allah will bring him to account for his actions dont worry about it.

If he is innocent then you may be causing another problem on your sister's head by you and her saying these things about him and playing Nancy Drew with this whole situation is not a good idea he might get fed up with it.
And if he did marry another sis then that is a right that was given to him by Allah.
Your sis and husband should just discuss this within themselves and if the problem is not resolved or explained then seek help from a father or someone who is married and has sound judgement to help and just pray about this whole situation and leave it to Allah.

I apologize if I have come across as being harsh

[GuestFellow]

Assalamualaikum all,

Well, Jazakalllah Khairan for all your replies. I can understand everyone's point of views as I have tried several timesto assess the situation from different angles. It's true, there is no evidence we cannot make accusation. Also I know we should not spy one another.To clarify things, he is a shop-keeper and they meet in the store...

Anyway here's the update. In fact, I took a taxi today and went to wait for my sister. When my niece goes to tuition, after he has dropped her, he usually goes to meet the lady and then comes back to the shop. We waited for him near the lady's place, the taximan was very nervous as he is a very good friend to my brother-in-law (in fact, that is the problem, he is so helpful no one dares to say anything in front of him and reveal the truth.). So eventually we found him going there, my sister followed him and when he saw her, he asked her in a loud tone: What's up, what are you doing here? When he saw me, he got really embarassed and asked that we go away. We refused to go back with him, in the mean time we asked the owner of the building (he rents a floor for that lady there) more information which confirms his extra-marital life. So we returned home while he is in the shop. At present, I'm at my sister's place typing this reply, but I don't know what Allah has reserved next. Make Dua for me. I think I should ask representatives from both families to meet plus a neutral referee to discuss the matter.

Baarakallahu Feekum

:sl:

I think you should stop following him. You mentioned earlier he is intimidating and he might respond violently next time if followed. Find a family mediator to resolve this problem. He should not be meeting this women in the first place.

[gladTidings]

Can we just put ourselves in the shoes of the married sister, or to think of her as our own sister for a moment. If we see our sister distressed about a situation like this I dont think we would automatically defend the rights of her husband. Ofcourse, no one is denying the fact that the husband is allowed to marry again but really where are the etiquettes of approaching such issues. It seems no one really knows what is going on and thats probably the biggest issue here.... the lack of communication between the husband and wife has made this quite ugly with suspiciousness and sneaky behaviour. Communication should be encouraged between both parties until there is some sort of resolution.

Meanwhile the rest of us should probably not let gender bias influence our take on this and just show some support to the sister.
InshAllah we hope that this issue is resolved soon sister x

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam

a Muslim man can marry upto 4 but in many cases they don't fulfill the conditions. They first have extra maritcal affair , then get married secretly , lie to wife and kids etc.

If one wants re-marry , he should do it according to Shariah ....not to cheat wife ....that's a sin.

I am not saying these about this specific cases , but heard/ know of some cases when married men had affair with another married woman ...Astagferullah. Many Muslims are becoming so shameless ....may Allah guide us all.

[Asiyah3]

what is the proof that he is committing zina? just your whims and desires? have you seen him physically doing zina with her? sorry for being blunt but that is the proof required in Islam.

I never said he committed zina. I asked how do you know he married her.

What if he married her? We dont know anything. Dont assume stupid stuff.

Was it me who assumed things?

There is no reason for the sister to make Istakhara on the situation or even consider divorce...the brother got a second wife.

Nothing wrong with that.

[Adem Al-Albani]

I never said he committed zina. I asked how do you know he married her.


Was it me who assumed things?

From Islam, we should have Husnu Dhun about Muslim brothers and sisters. I'm just trying to have just that, hopefully he married the sister and they aren't messing around.

Also, from the Shari'ah, you need 4 witnesses to say someone has acted in Zina, so if there isn't, we shouldn' accuse another Muslim of something this ill and wicked.

[أحمد]

:sl:

Islam allows place for accusations, only if they're based on real evidence. If something can't be proven; don't waste your time on it. Maybe it'll cause more harm, than any goodness.

As for assuming the man to have remarried; there's no such thing as a "secret marriage" in Islam.

:wa:

[purple]

:sl:

If he did remarry another woman, what kind of husband is he for not telling his wife! Islam may have given men rights to marry four women. But Islam certainly did not give men rights to disregard their wives feelings.
I have been in exact same position, if I were to be back to the situation again, I would seek divorce immediately.

I also think admins should close this thread. I don’t think we can give beneficial advice as we do not know the full story. It is between the husband and wife.
:wa:

[Adem Al-Albani]

As for assuming the man to have remarried; there's no such thing as a "secret marriage" in Islam.

What is your proof? If both parties agree, a secret marriage is perfectly fine.

[Ansariyah]

What is your proof? If both parties agree, a secret marriage is perfectly fine.

How is that 'perfectly fine' it just goes to show that a man like that isn't really man enuff to take responsibility for his own actions. Secret marriage is nothing to glorify, it might be Halal but is it encouraged? How about the feelings of those who are being kept in the dark about all of this?

[MohammedSP]

I can understand your situation sister because i have been through something like this before.
Try getting hold of that lady and talk to her. Maybe she does not know he is married.
I hope for the best for your sister.

[Adem Al-Albani]

How is that 'perfectly fine' it just goes to show that a man like that isn't really man enuff to take responsibility for his own actions. Secret marriage is nothing to glorify, it might be Halal but is it encouraged? How about the feelings of those who are being kept in the dark about all of this?

Of course, all that counts and is taken into consideration. They are allowed, but is it smart or the best thing in the world to do? Doesn't seem so.

Just because it may hurt someone's feelings, doesn't make it Haraam.

[~Raindrop~]

I think I should ask representatives from both families to meet plus a neutral referee to discuss the matter.

This would be the best thing to do under the circumstances.

Fun's over, people. Were we to dive into the subject of second marriages, we'd be here for weeks on end. Not to mention that it's off-topic.

[Bint Haneef]

Assalamualaikum,

I just didn't wish to open a new thread thinking it's a waste but unfortunately mine was closed one hour ago. I respect the decision of the moderators. It was not a debate on polygamy as such but I think the most important part was that if a first / second Nikah is done, it should be proclaimed.

Well, Allah Is definitely All-Powerful. After we found my brother-in-law at the lady's place, after his afternoon rest, we met and his wife asked him for explanations. Surprisingly, he admitted his extra-marital affair (unfortunately no Nikah was performed) and he openly said that he feels attracted to this lady. I was just there as a witness, the children also had their say, it got heated up at times so I had to calm down the situation. It was particularly harsh for my sister as she was very upset. Anyway since my sister didn't want her as a co-spouse (she is supposedly a convert, but she doesn't pray, covers her hair and doesn't want to learn about Islam, and is still called by her Hindu name). so my brother-in-law had to choose. He agrees to keep his legitimate wife while he will inform the lady that he wants to stop their relationship straight away. I told him to think over it very well as it is not easy to forget someone whom one feels attracted overnight. He told me: Vouloir c'est pouvoir (i.e. if you want something, you should be able to do it...along these lines)

So, we went to meet the lady, the lights were on but she didn't open the door. We shall try some other day. I advised my sister to help him overcome this situation by 'spoiling' him. He even confided to me how he tried to get out from this situation before and how at times he feels weak. After his confessoin, he feels very much relieved and that it seems he has just got married!

He also agrees that a Deeni brother comes to advise both following this problem, reviewing their duties and rights. So it may be scheduled for Saturday InshaAllah.

Alhamdulillah the situation is much better, Allah only knows about the sincerity of the person. We have not been sent to look into the hearts of people so we leave the future to Allah. The children seem much happier and we pray that Allah guides them adn helps them.

Wassalamualaikum

[~Raindrop~]

Threads merged.