Compromising deen for marriage

[nature]

:sl:

If marriage is half our deen and following the sunnah...

would it be a sin to compromise on the deen bit, when choosing a spouse ? just for the sake of having children & following the sunnah ?

Is it better to marry, bear children with some1 who has no deen what so ever. OR stay single, and not complete the deen ? are any of these classed as lesser sins ?

Would any of the sisters on here commit to anyone who has nil deen what so ever in the hope that they would be able to change that person. ?

Would you rather teach someone deen or learn from them ?


:wa:

[Revert 2010]

Salaam sister, my advice would be to guide him more to the deen if you're interested in marrying him Insha'Allah. Then maybe he will take it upon himself to start practicing more with a bit of encouragement and support. Allah knows best : )

[Perseveranze]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

You can try to open their hearts but only Allah(swt) that can guide them, remember that Sister.

['Abd-al Latif]

:sl:

If marriage is half our deen and following the sunnah...

would it be a sin to compromise on the deen bit, when choosing a spouse ? just for the sake of having children & following the sunnah ?

Is it better to marry, bear children with some1 who has no deen what so ever. OR stay single, and not complete the deen ? are any of these classed as lesser sins ?

Would any of the sisters on here commit to anyone who has nil deen what so ever in the hope that they would be able to change that person. ?

Would you rather teach someone deen or learn from them ?


:wa:

Never compromise in religion, it'll be the biggest mistake of your life.

A spouse can be either a source of inspiration and encouragement who will aid you to excel in all religious affairs or he/she can be the anchor that drags your faith downhill, eventually hitting rock bottom.

"...Choose the one who is religiously committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e. may your prosper)." [Narrated by al-Bukhari, 5090; Muslim, 1466.]

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[tigerkhan]

i think if some-one is muslim, and weak in ammal/good deed, so no matter, one may compromise to ammal/deed. bcz its not obligation for marriage that both should be practicing. everyone has to answer his/her deeds in ahra and no1 is asked for his/her spouse deeds. yes one should try her/his best to motivate his/her spouse to learn and practice islam more and more.
i am saying this bcz let suppose, if a girl live in an area where are no much practicing muslim. should she live all her alone ???? i think its better to have children, teach them islam so that they would be strength for u in this world and way of favors in aahra by their good deeds.

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

:sl:

If marriage is half our deen and following the sunnah...

would it be a sin to compromise on the deen bit, when choosing a spouse ? just for the sake of having children & following the sunnah ?

Is it better to marry, bear children with some1 who has no deen what so ever. OR stay single, and not complete the deen ? are any of these classed as lesser sins ?

Would any of the sisters on here commit to anyone who has nil deen what so ever in the hope that they would be able to change that person. ?

Would you rather teach someone deen or learn from them ?


:wa:

:w:

If you remove the deen for the sake of completing a portion of the deen (that is worth half the deen itself), how will you ever complete your deen when the half of the deen you're bringing into your life is devoid of any deen? Do you follow the logic? Meaning that, if you get remove religiosity from your spouse, how will they ever help you complete half of your deen when they themselves don't have any deen to begin with? Does that make sense?

Marriage - the act of entering into a relationship with someone lawfully - is half the deen only when the one you enter into it with will be someone who helps you become a better slave of Allaah by mutual support in life, practicing your ibaadah and raising practicing children. One of the posts above mention the hadeeth in this regard too.

Preservation of your deen and relationship with Allaah etc is a wajib whereas marriage is a great sunnah (that only becomes wajib in certain special circumstances), and as such generally does NOT take priority over maintaining your deen etc. How can you expect to do that if the person you're going to be spending the rest of your life with does not care about that at all?

Lastly, there are many good balanced people you can find to marry insha'Allaah. Just don't be hasty and make lots of dua'.

[nature]

my advice would be to guide him more to the deen if you're interested in marrying him

What if you dont get chance to meet that person ? or you only get one meeting ? thats hardly enuf to convince someone to guide them to religion ? what if the person is more culture driven then you've no chance really ?

Never compromise in religion, it'll be the biggest mistake of your life.

Thats what i was thinking. but everyone wants to have children right, would it be wrong, to compromise in the hope that you would eventually be able to change that person, even if it took you years ?

[nature]

:sl:

i think if some-one is muslim, and weak in ammal/good deed, so no matter, one may compromise to ammal/deed. bcz its not obligation for marriage that both should be practicing.

I thort both husband and wife had to be practising, otherwise the deeds of one arent accepted ?

i am saying this bcz let suppose, if a girl live in an area where are no much practicing muslim. should she live all her alone ???? i think its better to have children, teach them islam so that they would be strength for u in this world and way of favors in aahra by their good deeds.

I was thinking this also, esp if the mother has islam, then she wud be the one that is more responsible of the upbringing of the children. although i can see it a problem if the father had no interest esp wen it was ramadan.

@ B.Muraad It makes perfect sense, I understand, but what if there is literally no chance of anyone "deen related" then is the woman expected to live a life alone? even if she has the option of marrying someone else?
:wa:

[Hossam Al-Deen]

Firstly, and most importantly, a women can only marry a Muslim man; she cannot marry a disbeliever, a Jew, or a Christian, or a Hindu, Buddhist and so on. A women does have the power, however, over a man to the extent to which he would change his religion for her (this in and of itself is an indication of what religion means to this person). The question now is, even though he comes to Islam: What type of Muslim is he?

This is something that you need to think about deeply, and think about how it would affect you in the future. Because yeah he could convert, but would he be hanging out with other women? Would he drink alcohol? Would he miss his prayers? Would he not go to Friday prayer? Would he deal with your children poorly?

These are all potential possibilities for someone who converts to Islam but doesn't have it in their hearts. So beware of this, it's a serious issue.

[nature]

:sl:


the man would be muslim, but not a practising one. Thats the only 1 thing i have on my list of criteria, but ive been told theres no chance, and i need to compromise somewhere, how can i though ? seen as though deen is important to me. most of the men are culture driven,so they prob would hang out with women/socialise/get involved in biddah things.

I dont know if im being too optimistic thinking i can change someone ? thats so deep rooted in culture.

:wa:

[Hossam Al-Deen]

There are no other men in the area? Only this one man? No Muslim men at all, no families at all you can get into contact with?

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

@ B.Muraad It makes perfect sense, I understand, but what if there is literally no chance of anyone "deen related" then is the woman expected to live a life alone? even if she has the option of marrying someone else?
:wa:

I don't know, I find it hard to believe that there is no chance what so ever to find someone practicing, sure it might take a while and require much patience but altogether not impossible insha Allaah..where do you live if you don't mind me asking? You don't have to answer..but maybe you can use certain legitimate internet tools to help you find a spouse? Look up Practimate, HalfOurDeen.com - legitimate Muslim matrimonial sites run with proper care and observance of Islamic values. And I say that because I know who started them and runs them (Sh. Yaser Birjas and Baba Ali).

May Allaah make it easy for you. Ameen.

[Alpha Dude]

I thort both husband and wife had to be practising, otherwise the deeds of one arent accepted ?

I don't believe this is true sister.

[nature]

:sl:

I don't know, I find it hard to believe that there is no chance what so ever to find someone practicing, sure it might take a while and require much patience but altogether not impossible insha Allaah..where do you live if you don't mind me asking? You don't have to answer..but maybe you can use certain legitimate internet tools to help you find a spouse? Look up Practimate, HalfOurDeen.com - legitimate Muslim matrimonial sites run with proper care and observance of Islamic values. And I say that because I know who started them and runs them (Sh. Yaser Birjas and Baba Ali).

Where i am everyone is so culture driven, its hard to find anyone thats not. Personally i wud never trust anythin online, but each to their own. a muslim in our area is someone who is pakistani and maybe goes occassionally in the mosque, free mixes and does what he wants basically, also theres a lot of biddah stuff. I myself have broken away from lots, and i this sort of stuff confused the crap out of me, wen i was younger, i dont wana do that to my children.

I don't believe this is true sister.

so if the wife is practising and the husband doesnt thats ok ? I read somewhere, that marriage is void, and children illegitimate, if the husband isnt praying. ? ultimately the goal is jannah right ? and you would wana be with your spouse that uve shared a life with in this world so if only 1 of you practises thats not gona happen is it ?

also i thought good deeds only counted if both husband and wife were praying.

:wa:

[kingkong]

I know of a man who was not religious at all, he wasn't a bad man, he was a decent human being, but did not practise Islam properly. He got married and everything changed. I don't know what exactly, but there is no doubt that his wife had an influence on him. He now encourages others to pray and attend Islamic sermons. So why not marry someone and guide them back to where they should be.

Religion should be a factor when deciding on who to marry, but bear in mind you can help someone re-discover their faith.

[S.Belle]

Would any of the sisters on here commit to anyone who has nil deen what so ever in the hope that they would be able to change that person. ?

if he has none whatsoever no simple as that yes people can change but I personally would not marry someone who has nil deen bc it just wouldnt seem like they would be a good muslim husband to me so id pass.

would it be a sin to compromise on the deen bit, when choosing a spouse ? just for the sake of having children & following the sunnah ?

I know someone who doesn't pray, I asked them why and they said bc my father doesnt pray so why should I.....you get what I'm saying those nonreligious actions might rub off on your children so then you will be stuck with a nonreligious husband and nonreligious children.

See if that person can change before u marry them so u want be in a pickle or marry someone who has strong faith someone who you would want to be a great example in life for your children to take after and someone who can help you to become stronger in faith and bring you closer to Allah.

Would you rather teach someone deen or learn from them ?

you should teach and learn from each other.

[mwaraitch]

The question (s) seem mostly dealing theoretical situation.
I assume the criteria for marriage for men and women are laid in Islam ie to whom one can marry to with whom one cannot. As long as we adopt to the laid down parameters, there is nothing wrong with marrying anyone.

[Ummshareef]

Assalaamu Aleykum,

In the situation described in the original post, I would not marry someone in the hope that they would change their ways. I would recommend waiting to find a nice practicing brother with the help of your wali, and then get married. If it takes a little longer than you would like then be patient insha'allah, but it is better to wait until a poius brother comes along then to marry someone in the hope that you can change them.

[Aprender]

Sister,

You would be taking a huge risk in marrying someone who is not particularly faithful to the deen. It's a common misconception that you can change another person. He will only change if he wants to change himself. It could be difficult for him to make all of those re-adjustments in his life to fit it in the way that is proper. It's a similar story told here in the U.S. culture. A lot of women like to like to date "bad guys" in hopes that they can change them into a good guy and it usually doesn't work out. I have an aunt who was in a situation like this and it ended badly for her.

I think that it's good if you want to help him try and rediscover his faith but it could take a while and may not be the best use of your time within a marriage. I believe if you wait a little bit longer and keep it in your prayers, you will find a pious man who will and follow the deen, inshallah.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

would you take a bit of hell?


strange question but thats how i view compromise


all unislamic matters make life a living hell


and then we die, guess what happns next?

[nature]

:sl:

Jazakhallah for the input. Wen i put the thread up, i was just forward thinking, cos i knew the probability was a cultural person.

I know of a man who was not religious at all, he wasn't a bad man, he was a decent human being, but did not practise Islam properly. He got married and everything changed.

Im sure all of us have been there, where weve not practised. I have. but the thing is it takes a strong woman, esp in their imaan to guide someone else, especially a man. and no offense, but its harder for a woman to teach a man and put up with his tantrums.

See if that person can change before u marry them so u want be in a pickle or marry someone who has strong faith someone who you would want to be a great example in life for your children to take after and someone who can help you to become stronger in faith and bring you closer to Allah.

Your right, ive seen marriages fail where women think they can change their husbands. I think wen the person doesnt have deen instilled within them, then they get a wife whos forcing him to pray etc, then it makes the person resentful of religion and it shouldnt be like that.

In the situation described in the original post, I would not marry someone in the hope that they would change their ways. I would recommend waiting to find a nice practicing brother with the help of your wali, and then get married. If it takes a little longer than you would like then be patient insha'allah, but it is better to wait until a poius brother comes along then to marry someone in the hope that you can change them.

I actually did get a proposal few weeks back, I refused straightaway, hes not practising. Wats even more disgusting, is wen the family found out that this was an important thing to me, all of a sudden he does pray and fasts ? Some people will lie, & are not bothered about the truth or even have fear of allah, wen lying about something so important. This guy would have potentially ruined my life, cos they were being false over something so important to me. It really disgusts me that nowadays, people treat marriage as a joke.

Sister, You would be taking a huge risk in marrying someone who is not particularly faithful to the deen. It's a common misconception that you can change another person. He will only change if he wants to change himself. It could be difficult for him to make all of those re-adjustments in his life to fit it in the way that is proper. It's a similar story told here in the U.S. culture. A lot of women like to like to date "bad guys" in hopes that they can change them into a good guy and it usually doesn't work out. I have an aunt who was in a situation like this and it ended badly for her. I think that it's good if you want to help him try and rediscover his faith but it could take a while and may not be the best use of your time within a marriage. I believe if you wait a little bit longer and keep it in your prayers, you will find a pious man who will and follow the deen, inshallah.

Im all for helping people, but deen needs to be there in the first place. from wat ive seen cultural people dont really care for religion. & thinking back i dont think anyone wants to be lectured, that person should want to follow islam cos they believe and want to not be forced too. Sorry to hear of what your aunt went through, sadly it happens, i know a lot of young girls that have been through the same. Anyway no1 could see why it was such a big deal that he doesnt do salah or anything,but allah is the best of planners, and im sure he has a plan for us all.

would you take a bit of hell? strange question but thats how i view compromise all unislamic matters make life a living hell and then we die, guess what happns next?

Straight to the point! Ive made a mental note of this, and im gona use it as my answer, next time some1 tells me religion doesnt matter-jazakhallah.

:wa:

[innocent]

Salam sister. I would not compromise on deen. I am actually married but if I wasnt married I would definitely try and find someone who was practising. I know how difficult it is living with a spouse that does not practice the deen and I wouldn't want anyone to go through that. Its not nice especially for the children.

[Banu_Hashim]

Hmm... tough one. What about a person who is religious but their aqeedah is dodgy... like they believe staunchly in celebrating mawlid un nabi and other issues like that.

[nature]

:sl:

Salam sister. I would not compromise on deen. I am actually married but if I wasnt married I would definitely try and find someone who was practising. I know how difficult it is living with a spouse that does not practice the deen and I wouldn't want anyone to go through that. Its not nice especially for the children.

Your right, a cultural marriage wud kill me, every1 else cant see the big deal, but if hes not committed to fajr then how is he goin 2 be committed to me ? if there is no deen, there is no fear of allah, so i'd ratha just leave it.

Hmm... tough one. What about a person who is religious but their aqeedah is dodgy... like they believe staunchly in celebrating mawlid un nabi and other issues like that.

if they were religious, and followed the quran/sunnah, then they wud know such practises are forbidden right ? I got in2 a discussion with an auntie about this, and i got called a wahabi, cos i called these practises biddah, if i sed that to a husband, I dont think he wud take it well, being lectured on religious issues.

:wa:

[malaka]

I would say do not do it. Prior to me reverting to Islam I was Christian and married to non-Christian/non-Muslim (non-believer). He allowed me to go to church and practice my religion, but had no interest in my religion whatsoever. Actually at times would make fun of it. We had children, who went to church with me until they were preteen in which at that time, they said dad does not go to church, dad does not pray, dad does not read the Bible, dad does not believe in God and they quit going to church. Dad did not make them go to church and his views and beliefs rubbed off on them. They believe in no religion at all not, Christianity and not Islam or even the Jewish religion. Rather they are now unbelievers too.

Your children if you have boys and perhaps even girls will see what their father does and may imitate that. Can you afford to bring children into this kind of environment. It is up to Allah to guide us, but Allah also tells us in the Quran not to marry non-blievers and for the Muslim woman not to marry a non-Muslim. There must be a reason for this (Allah knows best).

I am now a Muslim and I am deeply saddened that I have a spouse that is non-Mulsim and non-believer and that my children are non-believers as well. All I can do is pray for them that Allah will have mercy on them and guide them, only Allah knows if they will ever embrace Islam and again all I can do is pray for them now. It is a very sad thing to be a mom to children who do not beleive in Allah and it is very hard for me to live with, but it is to Allah I belong and to Allah that I shall return to. This is true for all of us, we will all answer to Allah in the end.

Do yourself a favor and find a good Muslim husband to have your children with. Not only will this benefit you, but it will benefit your spouse and your offspring, insha'Allah. Allah knows best.

[Little_Lion]

I too am married to a non-Muslim. I reverted after marriage, and Allah in His wisdom at least gave me a husband who is very, VERY supportive of my conversion, as he is a good Christian. He is nothing but respectful toward Islam, the Qur'an, the Prophets (saw), and other Muslims. This is not to say it is not easy, however. To make my reversion easier on the household I have been introducing Allah's ways gradually (my prayer rug and qibla compass should arive tomorrow, insha'Allah, YAY! :D ), but it's the little things you don't think about that can give a non-practicing husband pause. Nope, sorry hon, I need a plain pizza because the meat-lovers has pork! I know it's the weekend, but my first prayer is at 6 AM, s yes, I must set the alarm. I know it's very nice out today, but yes, I must cover my head. Things like that.

One who has the option should always marry a good, practicing Muslim, IMHO. I definitely will not divorce mine, as I truly believe Allah brought us together . . . if it was not for him, I may not have come to the Truth at all, as circumstances occurred! But I make da'wah to him every day and show him by example how beautiful an Islamic life is, and insha'Allah someday he may come to the Truth as well.