My Parents Have the Right to Choose Who I Marry in Islam?

[MoWin]

Assalamu Alaikum,

I'll skip straight to the question. Do parents have the right to choose who they want me to marry in Islam or is it MY right to find my wife on my own and marry? I believe Islam gives me the right to choose my own wife, BUT my parents are insisting that I marry my first cousin.

My parents were emotionally blackmailing me so I got scared and I told them fine I'll marry my cousin. I've kept quiet about this for a long time now, but it's time for me to speak up. There's no way I will be marrying my first cousin as I think of her as my sister, and I'm not even attracted to her. I want to marry my own wife with my choice, but my parents believe it's their right to choose who they want me to get married to, and that I should get married for their happiness and not mine. I think I'm going to go crazy. Someone please give me some advice! My parents don't seem to understand whatever I have to say.

[Predator]

Forced marriages is haraam in Islam

Indeed the act of forced marriages is something that is not good, nor fruitful, because its foundation is corrupt, and whatever stands upon a corrupt foundation shall eventually falter and will not have a good ending. Forced marriage is essentially the act of forcing a lady or man to marry a persom without his/her consent or will, basically he/she has no choice or say in the matter, she has to do it, whether she likes it or not. And this is not correct at all, since men/ women have their rights, and you cannot force them to love somebody.

To begin with, women in Islam have a choice as to who they want to marry; if they deem a man to be unfit for marriage for whatever reason, then she has the right to not marry him, she cannot be forced into it as the prophet Muhammad himself said:

Aa'ishah reported that a girl came to her and said, "My father married me to his brother's son in order to raise his social standing, and I did not want this marriage [I was forced into it]." ?Aa'ishah said, "Sit here until the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) comes. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came and she told him about the girl. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent for her father, then he gave the girl the choice of what to do. She said, "O Messenger of Allaah, I have accepted what my father did, but I wanted to prove something to other women." (Reported by al-Nisaa'i, 3217).

So as you can see, a lady came to Aisha informing her that her father had forced her to marry someone she did not want, Aisha called the prophet Muhammad to see what his ruling on the matter would be, and as you can see the prophet then sent for her father, and gave the girl a choice in the matter, as to whether she wanted the marriage to remain intact or get a divorce.

Hence this makes it all clear that forced marriage is not allowed, that the lady has a choice in regard to the matter. Another hadith records the prophet Muhammad saying:

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 67:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! How can we know her permission?" He said, "Her silence (indicates her permission)."
Once again the prophet Muhammad forbids forced marriages, he makes it clear that the female party must be consulted, basically informing her of the man whom they want her to marry, so then she can decide. And the prophet also makes it clear that a virgin also has a choice as to whom she wants to marry. Hence it is crystal clear that forced marriages are forbidden, and these orders from the prophet Muhammad must be followed since Allah has told us:
033.036
YUSUFALI: It is not fitting for a Believer, man or woman, when a matter has been decided by Allah and His Messenger to have any option about their decision: if any one disobeys Allah and His Messenger, he is indeed on a clearly wrong Path.

So whenever the prophet Muhammad makes a ruling on a matter, we must follow it, and we have no right to contradict it, to do so is to commit a major sin, hence any Muslim who thinks its okay to force a lady into marriage is committing a major sin since they are disobeying God because he called on us to obey the prophet.

Here is another hadith from the prophet Muhammad concerning forced marriage:

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 69:
Narrated Khansa bint Khidam Al-Ansariya:
that her father gave her in marriage when she was a matron and she disliked that marriage. So she went to Allah's Apostle and he declared that marriage invalid.

So therefore forced marriage is not allowed, it is corrupt, and a corrupt foundation does not have a fruitful ending. Last but not least, here is what Allah says concerning this matter:

004.019
YUSUFALI: O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may Take away part of the dower ye have given them,-except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.

Allah the most high forbids the act of forced marriage, so therefore this act is a sin and against God's true teachings.


You are the one who is going to spent the rest of your life with her and not your parents . So your parents should back off


Are you from the indian subcontinent like India,pakistan bangladesh ?This is where these practices are known to be common

[Ansariyah]

Tell ur parents that ur not attracted to her, thus dont see urself being married to her. Attraction is very important in marriage, there should be something between spouses that draws them to each other, a connection, chemistry. Dont mislead ur parents, cause if u say ok they will take that as a yes. Be honest with them, tell them how much this is bothering u now before they start planning.

Allah gave us free choice to select whomever we want to marry. No matter how much our parents love us, selecting our own spouse for us is a lil bit too much. They might have the best of intentions but the truth is it is u who will be sharing ur life with ur cousin everyday, not them. So if u dont want to marry her, u dont have to.=)

[Hamza Asadullah]

Assalamu Alaikum,

I'll skip straight to the question. Do parents have the right to choose who they want me to marry in Islam or is it MY right to find my wife on my own and marry? I believe Islam gives me the right to choose my own wife, BUT my parents are insisting that I marry my first cousin.

My parents were emotionally blackmailing me so I got scared and I told them fine I'll marry my cousin. I've kept quiet about this for a long time now, but it's time for me to speak up. There's no way I will be marrying my first cousin as I think of her as my sister, and I'm not even attracted to her. I want to marry my own wife with my choice, but my parents believe it's their right to choose who they want me to get married to, and that I should get married for their happiness and not mine. I think I'm going to go crazy. Someone please give me some advice! My parents don't seem to understand whatever I have to say.

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayran for sharing your issues with us as i know it is a diffuclt subject area to deal with. Unfortunatley many parents from the Indian sub-continent bring these traditions with them and it does not only affect girls but also boys. It is totally un-Islamic to the effect that it can also be called forbidden because there is no such thing as forcing anyone to marry someone they don't want to in Islam.

There is nothing wrong with parents encouraging their son or daughter to marry someone they think is pious or has a good character. It is also acceptable for them to encourage their son and daughter to marry someone related who they know would be a good wife or husband to their son or daughter. But it should stop at encouragement and not go any further. The rest should be left to the son or daughter to decide for themselves after considering the potential, finding out about their character, talking to them in front of mahrams and finding out what one wants to find out and establishing if there is any attraction or sparks there and then by doing isthikhara and asking Allah to do what is best in that particular situation.

That is how the process should be and the son or daughter should NEVER be forced or emotionally blackmailed into accepting such a marriage. Doing so would ruin the life of the son and daughter as well as the life of the person they are forced to marry. These marriages never last for long and even if they do the two people end up living lives of misery together. Some force themselves to adapt and contionue living life but it is like a sentence that the parents give to the son and daughter they have forced into marrying of their choice.

Therefore my brother the answer to your question is that you should certainly take your parents choices into consideration but if you do not feel any attraction or spark and if you have already done isthikhara and it was negative then you should tell your parents that you respect their choice but that you will not marry her. if they persist then take this up with an elder of the family or a well respected local scholar and get them to talk to your family. Whatever happens you cannot ruin your life and the life of your cousin just because your parents want you to marry her.

Whatever happens speak to your parents in a low tone and repsectable manner and do not shout or argue with them as they are worthy of your respect at all times for Allah has given our parents a very high status so we must not transgress the limits with them by increasing our tone or being rude to them. Just be polite and in a gentle manner hold your position that it is your right in islam to refuse who you don't want to marry. You need to try and get an elder who would undrstand your plight or a well respected local scholar to help your case with your parents.

Make as much dua as you can to Allah to help you in this matter and to make your parents uinderstand and to soften their hearts. Whatever is best for you will happen inshallah do not stress too much. Whatever is decreed for you will take place even if the world was to be created again and again. So put your faith, trust, hopes and reliance in Allah that he will do what is best for you.

And Allah knows best in all matters