Which joke is funniest? Need opinions!

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I'm taking a public speaking class, and we are to give an informative speech about a topic of our choice, so I'm choosing the health benefits of laughter. To begin the speech, I'll be using a joke that I hope will make my audience laugh :X..so I've decided between these two:

The Blind Pilots

Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the pl ane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Which do you think is funnier? :D and if you know of something even funnier or any tips, please share! My speech is on Thursday :X
jazakum allahu khair

fi aman allah
w'salaam

[Faatin]

looool. They are both funny :D Although I got the blind pilot one after like 2 minutes which is no surprise cuz I'm usually the last one to get jokes anyway :x as for the second one it's funny but lol...i'd feel it would be awkward using some of the terminology in it like .."a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck." So i'd say go with the first one which is nice and short but that's just my opinion!

[*charisma*]

Assalamu alaikum

Since I'll be giving a speech, I'll be changing some things about the jokes to make them easier to remember and say, so they won't be told exactly the way those are written but very similar :D

[Faatin]

Wa alaikum as salaam ^_^. Oh okaay. Lol..the blind poet one is still funniest to me =)

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[elina]

i cant decide which is best as both made me laugh really hard...thanks lol :)

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam

both are funny but the 2nd one is not appropiate to say in front of mixed gathering.

Forum has a joke thread , u may visit that.

[Aprender]

Ha! I'd love to hear your speech in full. I love public speaking.

Personally I think the first one is a great because it's shorter and would fit within the time limits that you have. The 2nd joke really made me chuckle but I think of course you would narrow it down a bit to fit within the time limits. Either of these jokes would get a laugh but I must admit it took me an extra 10 seconds to get the blind pilot joke. But here it's very early in the morning so that may be why. :giggling:

[Woodrow]

I believe the pilot one is best, as it is one the most people can relate to. Nearly everybody who has ever flown has some type of mental image about what goes on in the pilot's cockpit.

[*charisma*]

i cant decide which is best as both made me laugh really hard...thanks lol :)

lool you're welcome :D

Salaam

both are funny but the 2nd one is not appropiate to say in front of mixed gathering.

Forum has a joke thread , u may visit that.

I would but there are too many jokes that I think many have heard before, and also because theres too much to look through and I'm a very indecisive person so it would be difficult for me to try to choose a few. Jazaki allahu Khair for your input :D

Ha! I'd love to hear your speech in full. I love public speaking.
Personally I think the first one is a great because it's shorter and would fit within the time limits that you have. The 2nd joke really made me chuckle but I think of course you would narrow it down a bit to fit within the time limits. Either of these jokes would get a laugh but I must admit it took me an extra 10 seconds to get the blind pilot joke. But here it's very early in the morning so that may be why. :giggling:

It took me a few seconds to get too :D but once I did I found it hilarious... so I'm going to have to edit it a little bit to make it easier to understand :D maybe emphasize a little more on the panicking and screaming and connect it with the take off a little more clearly. I told it to my sister thinking maybe if it is told it would be understood quicker since we tend to skim as we read, but nah it's the same thing lol. I'll rehearse both and see how it goes. I could use brief jokes so that there are more of them...but I don't know yet, these were the funniest I came across in my opinion and I might use both, it's going to depend on how long they'll take..and I'm thinking I can only use either one or the other (:

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

Both are funny..and I think you can do great with both. But reading is not the same as hearing it..so as long as your delivery is good, either will work!

[Beardo]

Both are equally funny but I think I laughed more on the weight-loss one lolll!

[*charisma*]

I believe the pilot one is best, as it is one the most people can relate to. Nearly everybody who has ever flown has some type of mental image about what goes on in the pilot's cockpit.

For some reason I missed your post :S but jazak allahu khair, that's a really good point! I didn't think of that, and I do think that the best jokes are those that are relatable.

Both are funny..and I think you can do great with both. But reading is not the same as hearing it..so as long as your delivery is good, either will work!

Yeh I'm guessing I'm going to have to rehearse until I'm really confident in telling either one..let my inner comedian come out :D lol. Being up there is a complete different story, very nerve wracking :X

[*charisma*]

Both are equally funny but I think I laughed more on the weight-loss one lolll!

LOL it's a tie again!

...yay me :cry:

[Beardo]

lol. Being up there is a complete different story, very nerve wracking

Oh, there'll only be dozens of eyeballs looking up at you, eager for some true beneficial knowledge. If you mess up or event hesitate once, it'll all go downhill from there. If you forget one sentence of the joke, POOF and there goes your career. Then when you lose your career... *shudders*

But no pressure.

[*charisma*]

^ LOL I'll keep you in mind when I fail at everything in life and live in a box, repeating the joke over and over again to myself wondering how it all went wrong, and shouting at random strangers asking them if they think I'm funny. :D

Every speech is recorded and we have to evaluate ourselves (It's like watching yourself in a car crash :D), I did one speech already and I must say it was one of the more interesting of the speeches because I began it with a story, but there's room for SO much improvement since I was really nervous and it was my first speech, but seeing myself I realized when you're up there, you don't look as nervous as you think you do.

[Beardo]

^ LOL I'll keep you in mind when I fail at everything in life and live in a box, repeating the joke over and over again to myself wondering how it all went wrong, and shouting at random strangers asking them if they think I'm funny.

LOLOLOLOL!!! God forbid! haha. Nahh, I keeeddd. I'm sure you'll do great inshallah! Make IB Proud!

[Re.TiReD]

I like the second one coz you don't have to be smart to get it and the first one people like me might laugh a second too late :p

[IbnAbdulHakim]

both are good and heres one for you also:


A mans wife decided to visit India. Her husband worried for her says, "Honey please dont, for if you do I fear they will worship you."

"Why am i that pretty?" she asks

"no you look like a cow" he replies



;D

[MustafaMc]

I like the first one as I actually laughed. The second one is inappropriate in any any gathering unless it is in a bar with a group of guys sitting at a table and drinking beer, but wait ... a Muslim probably wouldn't be there to hear it ;-)

[Beardo]

both are good and heres one for you also:


A mans wife decided to visit India. Her husband worried for her says, "Honey please dont, for if you do I fear they will worship you."

"Why am i that pretty?" she asks

"no you look like a cow" he replies



;D

LOLOLOL! Brother, I'm going to tell your wife on you for posting that. :statisfie

But I liked the weight loss one better. I say *charisma* should go with that one.