father distressed about seperation from 18 month old daughter

[perfectstranger]

Assalamu Alaikum. I am in a terrible situation in life where i have seperated with my wife who also has my 18 month old daughter with her. i have tried very hard to make things work but somehow it looks like we are just not compatible. And maybe it is because of how our relationship started off. I was married to a girl from my own country and while being married to her i got married to my second wife and she got pregnant. and only because of my unborn child i had decided to break off ties with my first wife as i felt she would not understand the situation.But now after trying to make things work and spending 2years doing so, things have become so bad that my second wife was abusive, physically hitting me and many other torments. I feel bad for my daughter who i miss so much and is now with her mother in indonesia. But i really feel now that Allah has taught me a valuable lesson. i didnt appreciate the qualities of my first wife and after being with my second wife i realized how bad a husband i was to my first wife. and now i want to go back to her because i feel my happiness is with her. i need to be healthy and mentally well to earn a living and continue my life normally, which is never possible with my second wife. I would appreciate your kind advise on the islamic perspective on what should be done and if i do decide to divorce my second wife, what will be my rights as a father. Will i be doing wrong if i go back to my first wife?Is this wrong in islam?am i being selfish, and does this make me a bad person?Kindly advise.

[Snowflake]

Assalamu alaykum Brother,

If your first wife is still in your nikah, or the divorce is revocable, then make every effort for a reconciliation inshaAllah. InshaAllah your new found appreciation of your first wife's qualities will strengthen your marriage (if you are still married that is). Allah subhana wa ta 'ala has made the women soft-hearted, and I am sure if you are sincere in showing your first wife, how much regret you feel of your previous treatment of her, and that you want to undo all the wrong you have done, she will inshaAllah give you another chance.

Unfortunately brother, if your divorce is irrevocable, then you cannot remarry your first wife unless she married/marries another man and he leaves her by death or divorce, and the marriage had been consummated. It is haram to conduct a marriage contract with the intention of divorce in order for a woman to return to her first husband. This is not from islam and is an evil innovation.

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/109245

A man is not required to tell his wife he is going to marry another woman. But if he proceeds with the marriage then he must tell her:

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/91962


There is no reason why you cannot be a part of your daughter's life. May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen.

[Muhaba]

just to clarify this: an irrevocable divorce is where a man divorces his wife three times, whether he did it separately or in one occasion. divorcing the wife thrice at one time without allowing the iddah period in between is unislamic but it does make the woman irrevocabaly divorced.

a revocable divorce is where a husband divorced the wife once or twice and then the woman completed her iddah without the husband doing rajoo (taking her back) and so she was fully divorced from him and is free to marry another man but if she wants she can remarry the exhusband.

[perfectstranger]

Dear Sisters , thank you for your responses. i know about the divorce process. i only issued 1 divorce for my first wife and therefore we can get back together by just doing our nikah again. What is bothering me inside is that i am putting my happiness first and therefore putting my daughter in a position where she will grow up without me. i feel the guilt inside and i dont know what is right and wrong. i know for sure that my second marriage wont last no matter what i do. i have tried to be the best husband that i could and thinking of my daughter i carried on but i hurt my first wife who i love. if it wasnt for my second wife conceiving i probably wouldnt have left my first wife in the first place. But i feel that i am putting so many people thru misery only because i am seeking my happiness. i will always have to live with this guilt that i made my daughter's life miserable in order to make mine better. But in reality i will never be able to be completely happy as i will always have my daughters thoughts with me. I am lost! i just dont know what to do. its like either way i chose i will lose someone, if i chose to be with my second wife i will have my daughter with me but will live in uncertainty as my second wife and my relationship is and was always turbulent. If i chose my first wife then i lose my daughter forever.

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[perfectstranger]

no advise from my brothers here?

[perfectstranger]

145 views and no responses?Am i doing something wrong here? Would really appreciate some more responses from various angles please.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Assalamu Alaikum. I am in a terrible situation in life where i have seperated with my wife who also has my 18 month old daughter with her. i have tried very hard to make things work but somehow it looks like we are just not compatible. And maybe it is because of how our relationship started off. I was married to a girl from my own country and while being married to her i got married to my second wife and she got pregnant. and only because of my unborn child i had decided to break off ties with my first wife as i felt she would not understand the situation.But now after trying to make things work and spending 2years doing so, things have become so bad that my second wife was abusive, physically hitting me and many other torments. I feel bad for my daughter who i miss so much and is now with her mother in indonesia. But i really feel now that Allah has taught me a valuable lesson. i didnt appreciate the qualities of my first wife and after being with my second wife i realized how bad a husband i was to my first wife. and now i want to go back to her because i feel my happiness is with her. i need to be healthy and mentally well to earn a living and continue my life normally, which is never possible with my second wife. I would appreciate your kind advise on the islamic perspective on what should be done and if i do decide to divorce my second wife, what will be my rights as a father. Will i be doing wrong if i go back to my first wife?Is this wrong in islam?am i being selfish, and does this make me a bad person?Kindly advise.

Asalaamu Alaikum, My brother i do apologise for the lack of responses you have been getting but this is a complicated issue which us as lay people cannot advise you on.

You must contact a scholar immediately regarding your issue. Here the contacts of three Mufti's (Very learned scholars of Islam) who will be able to help you regarding your issue inshallah:

1. Click on the following link to contact Sheikh Mufti Zubair Dudha:

http://www.islamictarbiyah.com/

E mail address: info@islamictarbiyah.com

2. Contact Mufti Abdur Rahman

You can Contact me using the methods below:-

Email any time: imam@masjidequba.org.uk

Telephone: 07402 329 770 during 11-12pm Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays

3. Contact Sheikh Mufti Muhammad Ibn Adam Al Kawthari:

http://www.daruliftaa.com/contactus.asp

I pray whatever happens for you is the best for you. Ameen


And Allah knows best in all matters