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IbnAbdulHakim
02-28-2011, 10:46 PM
Assalamu Alaikum



For the blessings of the husband and the in-laws, would you live with your husbands family and look after them so long as they adhere to islam and arent sick or twisted?




Personally I think a mans responsibility is towards his mother moreso then his wife (although im sure many would argue that), therefore even if under different roofs a man and his wife are very likely to constantly (maybe daily) visit the mans mother and father.


Are you happy to be living with them? Looking after them? So long as they arent sick in the head, jelous, twisted ETC



Both my sisters happily agreed to live with the in-laws and live in harmony, there have been many problems but Alhamdulillaah the blessings are greater then the hardships.






What are your opinions sisters?





JazakALlah khair for sharing
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Cabdullahi
02-28-2011, 11:06 PM
you cannot live with the inlaws in a hamster house....its just not convenient

thats my opinon
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Neelofar
02-28-2011, 11:11 PM
I do agree with what Abdullahii has said because there's only so much that a person can take. You never really know what people are like until you live with them so I wouldn't mind living with my in-laws, until we could afford a place of our own or whatever but if I was suffocated Nd it was becoming a problem then I'd want to move out and would probably suggest to my husband that we go live with my mum and dad :p
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Rhubarb Tart
02-28-2011, 11:11 PM
salam

I used to live with my ex and his grandmother. I used to look after her (she was very frail).
Nope, I did not have a problem with her. In fact I loved her. I did not like it at the time because I was not used to it (not from a culture that practice this) and I valued my own personal space.

I personally don’t see anything wrong with culture that has this practice. I just think the women involved need to be given a choice on whether they can live with them and/or look after them. It should not be a must. I hate it when people make an obligation.

Kudos to those who don’t mind

Kudos to those who do mind.
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Salahudeen
02-28-2011, 11:17 PM
I think it depends on who is going to be living in the same house as the mother, take my situation for example, I am the only child so if I were to leave there would be no one to look after my mum so I would expect my wife to live with my mother, however if I had a brother or father I would prefer my own place with my wife. And there's the issue of non mehram brother living in the same house also. I think it really depends on the situation and cirumstances, you can't make a general rule for everyone because every situation is different.
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S.Belle
02-28-2011, 11:29 PM
there are pros and cons but i would only agree for like the first year of marriage and then i would want my own place because im just a very private person.
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Cabdullahi
02-28-2011, 11:34 PM
Originally Posted by Mila
there are pros and cons but i would only agree for like the first year of marriage and then i would want my own place because im just a very private person.
After the first year you are trapped!
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CosmicPathos
02-28-2011, 11:48 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
I think it depends on who is going to be living in the same house as the mother, take my situation for example, I am the only child so if I were to leave there would be no one to look after my mum so I would expect my wife to live with my mother, however if I had a brother or father I would prefer my own place with my wife. And there's the issue of non mehram brother living in the same house also. I think it really depends on the situation and cirumstances, you can't make a general rule for everyone because every situation is different.
what if your brother thought the same thing as you i.e. salahudeen should live with parents and I will move out after marriage?
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CosmicPathos
02-28-2011, 11:49 PM
Originally Posted by Mila
there are pros and cons but i would only agree for like the first year of marriage and then i would want my own place because im just a very private person.
Just out of curiosity, would you also value your husband's private nature if he did not want to share much stuff with you?
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Rabi'ya
02-28-2011, 11:51 PM
:sl:

my advice is......if you want a happy and prosperous marriage DO NOT live with in laws. Get your own place and live separately. Visit if you wish, but do not live there.
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Salahudeen
02-28-2011, 11:53 PM
Originally Posted by mad_scientist
what if your brother thought the same thing as you i.e. salahudeen should live with parents and I will move out after marriage?
I don't understand what you mean, I do not have a brother.
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CosmicPathos
03-01-2011, 12:07 AM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
I don't understand what you mean, I do not have a brother.
yes you dont. what if you did and he thought what i wrote.
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Salahudeen
03-01-2011, 12:15 AM
Originally Posted by mad_scientist
yes you dont. what if you did and he thought what i wrote.
Then I would live with my mother and get the reward of looking after her. The reason I said I would move out if I had a brother is cos I am very protective and would not like a non mehram looking and mixing with my wife, even if he is my brother. But if he moves out then I would stay there happily with my wife.
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GuestFellow
03-01-2011, 12:26 AM
Salaam,

I would not mind. I can tolerate a lot of nonsense.
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tigerkhan
03-01-2011, 02:44 AM
i dont know y but now a days i observing much hazards in combine life............................................
actually i am now a days observing how these cultural values destroy person deen and dunia.........its sooooooooooooooooooooooooo sadddd
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Amat Allah
03-01-2011, 06:19 AM
Wa Alikum Assalaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuh

I would want my own private place but if my future husband (by Allah`s Willing) would have the same situation as our respected brother Salahudeen then I won`t mind ever... we are meant to ease things for each other and understand the needs of each other and I believe that the parents come first ...and if marrying someone would make one of my parents upset then I prefer to die single just for the sake of Allah and btw that what made me single till this moment after Allah and Alhamdulillah I am happy and pleased and we have to remember that we will only have or take what Allah had written for us and what wasn`t meant to be for us then it won`t no matter what...and Alhamdulillah for all Allah`s blessings.

May Allah grant each one of you the perfect match Ameeeen
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nature
03-01-2011, 08:59 AM
:sl:

I guess it depends on what the in-laws are like ? whether there are other siblings within the household ? Ive seen marriages destroyed living with in-laws, but also some propsper. If there oldies and good deen orientated people and have no1 else to look after them, only have 1 son, then i guess it would be mean to leave them on their own, & i wouldnt have a problem. but if there capable of looking after themselves then i wud prefer to move out, after a week at the most, esp if there were other siblings in the house. In the first year of marriage you dont really wana be queing with the BIL waiting for the bathroom. It just depends on the individuals circumstances i guess.

Its difficult looking after old people, some women have more tolerance than others. from what ive seen the younger generation nowadays dont even respect their mothers let alone MIL's.

:wa:
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'Abd Al-Maajid
03-01-2011, 09:33 AM
Originally Posted by Guestfellow
Salaam,

I would not mind. I can tolerate a lot of nonsense.
the question was for sisters...:p obviously you would not have any problem cuz would would not live with your in-laws anyhow :p
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muslimsister1
03-01-2011, 09:36 AM
:sl:

Hope you are all in gud health by the grace of Almighty Allah SWT, this is a intresting topic, Alhumdolilah i am coming to 3 years of my marige this june. I live with my husband and my inlaws and Alhumdolilah we all get alng well. Wen i frst gt married my BIL was living with us but moved out after a 1-1 1/2 yers so now its just the 4 of us.

I understand that it does depned on what your inlws are like but at the same time it up to you to put jst as much effort in, weneva i feel like i need a breather i talk to my hubby and tel him ow i feel, this is the only way he can help you. Before we gt married my hubby asked me if i wanted to live with his parents or on are own, i sed wiv parents... i think i have alwys bin like dat.

I would not like the thought of taking him away frm his fam, i knw you can visit but its completey diff.. wen i feel dwn and speak to my hubby he alwys says to me that we are so lucky dat we are getting his parents daily and Alhumdollilah that is what keep me going. I always think abouit my parents, i still have one bro who has to get married and i think what if he was to move out and lev my parents i wouldnt like it so y are my inlaws any diff, their still human, stil have feelings and their are parnets too.

Parents are a blessing in every way, yeh they will get old and frail, they will need looking after more as they get older and they will get needy for attention and love but the duas u get from them is on a different level altogether, they always have ur best intrest at heart even tho it wont seem like that at the time.

Try ur best not to see your inlaws as your hubbys parents.. that is the root of the negative thinking, think of them as your own, think how you would want your parnets to be treated and looked after. Inshaallah with this think Allah will help you through difficulties and duas that you will Inshaallah get from bthe sets of parents. Most importantly if your husband is happy then Allah SWT will be happy wiv u.

:wa:
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gladTidings
03-01-2011, 09:57 AM
I guess it totally depends on the individual. The biggest issue for me would be the issue of hijab in front of brother-in-laws or other visitors, I know how difficult it is to constantly maintain the hijab in the home.. I would like to think I don't have to think about such issues within my own home. Otherwise, I have been raised in a larger than average family so I like to have other people around me...and free baby sitters =P
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GuestFellow
03-01-2011, 11:48 AM
Originally Posted by 'Abd Al-Maajid

the question was for sisters...:p obviously you would not have any problem cuz would would not live with your in-laws anyhow :p
Salaam,

Male members started posting. So I thought I might as well post. :p:

I have a big family and some of our relatives had to live with us for a long time. As long as you have your own private space, then its fine.
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Ansariyah
03-01-2011, 01:21 PM
I'm not asian so this practise is not as common as its in ur culture.

Tbh I dont understand this practise cause its just culture it doesnt have any basis in Islam, therefore I'm kind of against it. I heard some very sad stories, wife serving inlaws, getting tortured n god knows wat. I also heard that the muslims of the south-asian continent took this practise from the hindus as its widely common in their religion.

I am against favouring the husbands family over the wifes family. Which blatantly seems to be the case in this culture.

So my answer is yess!
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cat eyes
03-01-2011, 03:24 PM
i would not mind it but the house would have to be fairly big because you need privacy between married couple also
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needtorepent
03-01-2011, 03:38 PM
I would agree to live close to his parents so that we can help take care of them. I would even agree to live next door or in the same building. However, I wouldn't agree to live in the same household. Everyone needs their space and its best to live in a separate house/apartment to prevent issues. Let's face it. People are human. In-laws don't always get along great. People need their privacy. Everyone should live separately. By separately, I mean the wife should have her own kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, living room, etc. That would include a separate door for entering the house. Just my two cents.
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tw009
03-01-2011, 03:50 PM
Nah I dont mind.
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'Abd Al-Maajid
03-01-2011, 04:07 PM
I dont mind living with in-laws after marriage. :D
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Asiyah3
03-01-2011, 04:16 PM
:wa:

Living with in-laws isn't for me. I've heard many bad stories and thinking about it I see many problems. One would be would his mom interfere with our lives and what kind of an effect would she have on our relationship?

A man should take care of his responsibilities towards his wife and parents, but taking care of your parents doesn't mean you should live with them in the same house after marriage. Maybe I'm saying this because I've grown up here in the West and I'm used to the culture of moving out after marriage and living separately, with your wife&children without parents. However, I would also take things into consideration, would my husband be the only son in his family, are both of his parents alive or is one of them alone, will his other bros/sisters live with us (the sister could be okay, but his brother.......), is there any other need?
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CosmicPathos
03-01-2011, 05:10 PM
Originally Posted by Yanoorah
I'm not asian so this practise is not as common as its in ur culture.

Tbh I dont understand this practise cause its just culture it doesnt have any basis in Islam, therefore I'm kind of against it. I heard some very sad stories, wife serving inlaws, getting tortured n god knows wat. I also heard that the muslims of the south-asian continent took this practise from the hindus as its widely common in their religion.

I am against favouring the husbands family over the wifes family. Which blatantly seems to be the case in this culture.

So my answer is yess!
So isnt Arabic language, language of Quran, a part of Arabic culture? So as non-Arabs, are we being forced to adopt some parts of "Arabic culture?" Of course not but one would think that if your argument was true.

I do not think Islam is against any cultural practices as long as they dont contradict basic Islamic principles, as itself emerged among the Arabs for whole humanity which includes non-Arabs and their non-Arabic cultures. Prophet Muhammad pbuh was an Arab, spoke Arabic, dressed like Arabs, ate like Arabs, but certainly he did go against some prevalent cultural practices among Arabs which were not Islamic such as hiding satrah, performing umrah with clothes on and not naked etc
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S.Belle
03-01-2011, 05:15 PM
Originally Posted by mad_scientist
Just out of curiosity, would you also value your husband's private nature if he did not want to share much stuff with you?
In that post I didnt mean not sharing things with your spouse bc thats different you should be able to share anything with them.
I meant that I would want the relationship to be private and not have anyone unnecessarily poking their noses into it.

But if I married someone who didnt feel like sharing stuff with me I honestly wouldnt like it but I would respect it bc I have a high sense of privacy as well.
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Ghazalah
03-01-2011, 05:15 PM
Problem with living with in laws is whether there will be other males in the house which would then make the wife have to cover up most of the time. Not much quality time will be between the couple if they live with in laws, and spending quality time together is very important for married couples, it'll be easier if it was just the two of them. In most cases the wife would end up doing most of the work in the house. Some cases the wife's privacy is breeched when living with in laws. However that doesn't mean the son should neglect the parents and his family once his married, he should visit often buy his parents gifts etc...
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Ibn Abi Ahmed
03-01-2011, 05:20 PM
I think it would be very awkward.

For a number of reasons.
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Ansariyah
03-01-2011, 05:33 PM
Originally Posted by mad_scientist
So isnt Arabic language, language of Quran, a part of Arabic culture? So as non-Arabs, are we being forced to adopt some parts of "Arabic culture?" Of course not but one would think that if your argument was true.

I do not think Islam is against any cultural practices as long as they dont contradict basic Islamic principles, as itself emerged among the Arabs for whole humanity which includes non-Arabs and their non-Arabic cultures. Prophet Muhammad pbuh was an Arab, spoke Arabic, dressed like Arabs, ate like Arabs.
Ofcourse theres nothing wrong wit cultures as long they dont clash with our deen. But the reality is that sometimes it does! Thats wen u gotta tell ur culture to take the back seat.

In alot of South-Asian cultures its encouraged for the wife to live wit the inlaws n if she refuses its looked down upon, shunned etc. Where in Islam does it say that a girl must serve her inlaws? No where.

To each their own! The truth is that alot of women are mistreated in these situations. Their cultures will not come to their resque (when they're subject to abuse, but its Islam that does. Thats why in islam theres no such requirement to live with inlaws in the first place.=)
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-01-2011, 05:43 PM
ok question no.2 baring in mind that Aisha radhiallahu anha lived in a tiny room with barely enough space to sleep in at masjid an-nabawi where everyone always went to pray,


i ask this, if you decided you cant bare to live with the parents and maintain your hayaa with your in-laws (although your inlaws cant leave the house due to financial complications as much as they'd like to and your inlaws understand and obey islam and respect your hayaa' and have hayaa' themselves), if you decided to leave them and this caused them distress although they would show VERY littel distress to you, would that bother you?
What would you do in this situation? I personally think both sides parents blessings are extremely important to remaining on as-siratul mustaqeem
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-01-2011, 05:48 PM
these questions are completely and totally for my own understanding.


i appreciate your honesty.


there is absolutely no judgement intended here, to each their own and may ALlah guide us all to live according to his pleasure.


Ameen
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Ibn Abi Ahmed
03-01-2011, 05:52 PM
Originally Posted by IbnAbdulHakim
ok question no.2 baring in mind that Aisha radhiallahu anha lived in a tiny room with barely enough space to sleep in at masjid an-nabawi where everyone always went to pray,
I think that's a very wrong way to look at it and a very incorrect comparison to make. First of all, any sister that's getting married today is not marrying the Prophet (saw) and thats enough reason why that comparison doesn't work. We have to come up with solutions that befit our contemporary circumstances and we can't import cultural norms of a certain time and use that today. Yes, our mother (may Allaah be pleased with her) did live a certain way but you need to account for circumstances, context, culture and times before saying sisters that live today in a very different reality should bear that in mind and make the cultural (not religious) norms of that time, their beacon. There is an principle in Usool that states that custom is the base of judgment and that importance is given to the maqasid and purpose of the texts, not always the actual text itself, generally speaking. Most people forget this and try to import a reality from 1400 years ago that is not contemporary while they can just as easily stay within Islamic guidelines and live according to the culture of the present time.

i ask this, if you decided you cant bare to live with the parents and maintain your hayaa with your in-laws (although your inlaws cant leave the house due to financial complications as much as they'd like to and your inlaws understand and obey islam and respect your hayaa' and have hayaa' themselves), if you decided to leave them and this caused them distress although they would show VERY littel distress to you, would that bother you?
What would you do in this situation? I personally think both sides parents blessings are extremely important to remaining on as-siratul mustaqeem
It's her right to not want to live with them and have her own place and there is no blame on her if she chooses to want her own place and it is the obligation of the husband to provide her that. Nor is she obligated to take care of her husbands parents. If she does, thats goodness on her part of her own will. Both blessings are needed and important just like you say they are, but we need to be careful that in seeking them we don't violate the rights of another human being (i.e. the wife).

Unfortunately, Ive seen too many cases where the brothers try to religiously guilt trip the sister into bending to cultural norms and effectively becoming the housemaid with benefits. And I think that's very wrong.
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-01-2011, 06:16 PM
^ you call it a religious guilt trip, i call it encouragement to do what brings the reward of ALlah.


I will always use such examples, always bro. I will always look towards the best and use them as a guideline.

Every man should aim to be as good as the prophet sallallahi alaihi wasallaam anyway and every woman as pure as aisha RA.

I dont want to spend my money on something as worthless as a house in this dunya, and renting is sickeningly expensive unless we buy an extremely small place in a remote area....
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Ibn Abi Ahmed
03-01-2011, 06:34 PM
Originally Posted by IbnAbdulHakim
^ you call it a religious guilt trip, i call it encouragement to do what brings the reward of ALlah.


I will always use such examples, always bro. I will always look towards the best and use them as a guideline.

Every man should aim to be as good as the prophet sallallahi alaihi wasallaam anyway and every woman as pure as aisha RA.
You can't call something an 'encouragement towards the reward of Allaah' when you're encouraging someone towards something that's not mandated by the religion. Especially, when you're encouraging someone to do something they have no obligation to do at all. That's a religious guilt trip, regardless of what you call it, because you're using the religion to make someone do something the religion itself doesn't ask them to do.

I'm not saying don't use those examples, use them, but use them in the proper context while keeping reality in mind, not idealism.

I dont want to spend my money on something as worthless as a house in this dunya, and renting is sickeningly expensive unless we buy an extremely small place in a remote area....
And isnt this the source of the problem? That you are not willing to spend your money on your wife? So because you can't do that, she has to agree to something she is not obligated whatsoever to agree to, under the pretense of religion and 'the reward of Allah'? There's something really wrong with this picture bro. I don't know your situation so I won't comment further, but I would think twice about getting married if I can't provide my wife her rights lest my conditions on her become tantamount to dhulm. I hope otherwise that you inshaAllaah can find someone who willingly wants to make that sacrifice for you and live with your family.

Another point to mention is that buying a house is not something worthless. Zuhd isn't staying away from the dunya materially, it's being unconcerned with it in the sense that you personally aren't effected by it, but you can't force that zuhd on others by taking away from their rights. Buying a house is something praiseworthy when its being done for the right reasons. Six out of the ten promised paradise were wealthy Companions. The house you mentioned earlier that our mother (may Allaah be pleased with her) lived in? The Prophet (saw) owned it and I'm sure he spent money on buying it so as to provide his wives a good place to stay.
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purple
03-01-2011, 06:40 PM
:sl:
This type of practice only makes the husband happy in my opinion.

If we are going to follow the best in that kind of manner then I would suggest giving up the very computer you type and the car you may use.
I agree it is guilt trip and i am so happy that i am not brought up in a culture where the in laws are more important the wife.
And the wife does not have to live with the in laws to gain rewards. Simple and regular visit should be enough.
The only reason I can see why the wife must live with in-laws is if they are fragile and in need of assistance. I don’t have a problem with women who choose it. I do have a problem with those who look down upon women who do not want to live with in-laws.
:wa:
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-01-2011, 06:55 PM
^ lol subhanAllah.


may Allah save us all from the fate of Alqamah, Ameeh radhiallahu anhu
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GuestFellow
03-01-2011, 06:56 PM
:sl:

How interesting. I never knew this topic was so controversial. I like controversies... :p:

I personally believe that as long as a married women does not mind living with her in-laws, then I see no problem. I've seen marriages like this work and sometimes it does not work. I do not believe this practice is against Islam. We all have different problems and we all address them differently, depending upon our cultural background. As long as our approach to deal with these issues is acceptable within Islamic law, then I see no problem. We need to respect these differences and avoid frowning upon them. At the same time, however, we should point out the problems that might occur within certain cultural practices and those facing criticism should avoid being too defensive.

:hiding:
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'Abd Al-Maajid
03-01-2011, 07:00 PM
Originally Posted by Guestfellow
I like controversies...
and conspiracies...:p
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GuestFellow
03-01-2011, 07:01 PM
Originally Posted by 'Abd Al-Maajid

and conspiracies...:p
:sl:

We know each other too well. :skeleton:
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piXie
03-01-2011, 07:12 PM
Originally Posted by Muraad
It's her right to not want to live with them and have her own place and there is no blame on her if she chooses to want her own place and it is the obligation of the husband to provide her that. Nor is she obligated to take care of her husbands parents. If she does, thats goodness on her part of her own will. Both blessings are needed and important just like you say they are, but we need to be careful that in seeking them we don't violate the rights of another human being (i.e. the wife).
.
I agree with you that it is not the obligation of the wife to look after her husbands parents, and she has a right to want her own seperate place. However, the husband will still always have an obligation to care for his parents, whether the wife does or not, as the Prophet SAW stated

May his nose be rubbed in dust, may his nose be rubbed in dust, may his nose be rubbed in dust. So he was asked 'Who, Oh Messenger of Allaah?' He said: 'Who attains parents with him who are old, whether one of them or both of them, then does not enter the Paradise' (By taking care of them)

Many a times the husband is not in a position to leave his parents as they have attained old age and need care. If the wife still insists to live seperately and states its her right, what would you advise the brother in this case?
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Ghazalah
03-01-2011, 07:18 PM
Originally Posted by IbnAbdulHakim
I dont want to spend my money on something as worthless as a house in this dunya, and renting is sickeningly expensive unless we buy an extremely small place in a remote area....
With all due respect, why would you not want to spend money on your wife? What would you rather spend it on? Nobody is saying buy a mansion, but a house is something you need.
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Ibn Abi Ahmed
03-01-2011, 07:27 PM
Originally Posted by IbnAbdulHakim
^ lol subhanAllah.


may Allah save us all from the fate of Alqamah, Ameeh radhiallahu anhu
Originally Posted by member X
I agree with you that it is not the obligation of the wife to look after her husbands parents, and she has a right to want her own seperate place. However, the husband will still always have an obligation to care for his parents, whether the wife does or not, as the Prophet SAW stated

May his nose be rubbed in dust, may his nose be rubbed in dust, may his nose be rubbed in dust. So he was asked 'Who, Oh Messenger of Allaah?' He said: 'Who attains parents with him who are old, whether one of them or both of them, then does not enter the Paradise' (By taking care of them)

Many a times the husband is not in a position to leave his parents as they have attained old age and need care. If the wife still insists to live seperately and states its her right, what would you advise the brother in this case?
It seems that both of you are understanding that I'm saying to prefer the wife over the parents. No, what I'm saying is give both their due rights and do not oppress one's right for the sake of the other. That is injustice.

As it comes in the authentic hadeeth, 'Grant every person his due right.'

We need to have a holistic understanding of the religion, not take one hadeeth and in trying to follow that to the best of our ability, neglect other ahadeeth and the general maqasid behind them. That's a simplistic understanding of the religion that lacks dynamic and pragmatism.

Member X, that's a situation (which in addition to having a lot of variables) is where he needs to figure out whether this woman is someone that falls in line with his circumstance and make a decision whether to marry her or not. They should talk about it before the marriage contract is done. If he's wealthy enough, an option he has is that he can buy a house which has two floors and keep his wife with him in one part of the house separately and his parents in the same building in another part. The best option is that he should speak to a scholar that is knowledgeable in the Fiqh of Priorities (al-awlawiyyat) from his locality and get a suggestion from him that best suits his circumstance.
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GuestFellow
03-01-2011, 07:35 PM
Originally Posted by Ghazalah
With all due respect, why would you not want to spend money on your wife? What would you rather spend it on? Nobody is saying buy a mansion, but a house is something you need.
:sl:

Yes, because buying a house is very cheap. :p: (JK)
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Ghazalah
03-01-2011, 07:38 PM
Originally Posted by Guestfellow
Yes, because buying a house is very cheap
Who said it's not. :rolleyes:
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GuestFellow
03-01-2011, 08:11 PM
^ Salaam,

You made it sound so simple... :o
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-01-2011, 08:48 PM
Originally Posted by Ghazalah
Who said it's not. :rolleyes:
take me to your world

it sounds so nice :O
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CosmicPathos
03-01-2011, 09:21 PM
I want to meet this brother.
http://img835.imageshack.us/img835/8...4576828359.jpg
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-01-2011, 09:30 PM
Originally Posted by mad_scientist
huggable brother is huggable !!
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Ansariyah
03-01-2011, 09:34 PM
Originally Posted by mad_scientist
Thats a beautiful hadeeth mashaAllah
.
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*charisma*
03-01-2011, 09:48 PM
Assalamu Alaikum

Personally, one of the reasons I would get married is because I would feel ready to leave my family. I don't see the point in getting another set of parents when I could just remain unmarried and take care of my own. That's not to say that I wouldn't treat my in-laws with utmost respect, but at the end of the day living with your in-laws, I feel, takes away from feeling like you're in a marriage with one person to a marriage with an entire family. Another reason I wouldn't like it is because I'm an introverted person who likes to have my own space. Living with the in-laws would make me feel like it's an obligation to help out with everything and yet not have an input on the way things are to be done because I'm not living in my own place, which would really drive me crazy.

I don't think I'd mind as much if they came to live with ME, ie in my own house, but for me to live with them would be really uncomfortable.

Anything could change though..:D but for now this is how I feel speaking from a hypothetical perspective.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-01-2011, 09:50 PM
^ but if you live with them it will be YOUR house.


all of us actually told our sis - in - law its more her house then ours...
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*charisma*
03-01-2011, 10:01 PM
It's not them really, it's me. The way I am would make me feel that it's still their house and I would treat them just like I'd treat my parents if not more, because I'd feel kind of like a guest even though they may not want me to think of it that way, and like I said I need my space. It would also make me feel guilty that they have more of my attention than my own parents who I consider worth more than anyone else...so really I just don't see the point of it. It's great if there are some sisters that can do it, but it doesn't sound appealing to me.
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piXie
03-01-2011, 10:09 PM
Originally Posted by Muraad
It seems that both of you are understanding that I'm saying to prefer the wife over the parents. No, what I'm saying is give both their due rights and do not oppress one's right for the sake of the other. That is injustice.

As it comes in the authentic hadeeth, 'Grant every person his due right.'

Member X, that's a situation (which in addition to having a lot of variables) is where he needs to figure out whether this woman is someone that falls in line with his circumstance and make a decision whether to marry her or not. They should talk about it before the marriage contract is done. If he's wealthy enough, an option he has is that he can buy a house which has two floors and keep his wife with him in one part of the house separately and his parents in the same building in another part. The best option is that he should speak to a scholar that is knowledgeable in the Fiqh of Priorities (al-awlawiyyat) from his locality and get a suggestion from him that best suits his circumstance.
You are completely right that he should have discussed this with his wife before they got married, but sometimes they don’t, resulting in these problems occurring later on. Also not all brothers can afford a separate or bigger house, and the daughter in law has to share some of it with his parents. I asked you this scenario brother, because this is a dilemma which happens, and secondly I asked you because to say ‘give both their due rights and do not oppress one's right for the sake of the other ’ is one thing, but to practically implement it in various situations in life, is another thing. Sometimes, the husband can end up neglecting the rights of one party, especially when his feelings get involved i.e. some men have a tendency to feel and sympathise more with their wife, than with their parents, and vice versa. And some wives are not ready to tolerate the fact that the husband has some obligations towards his parents too, and that his parents have certain rights over him which he has to fulfil. They are only focused upon their right, their life, their space, their privacy, total freedom etc, any little bit of inconvenience, they will not tolerate it. They forget that one day they could be in the same situation as the parents. This is very common in the west especially. And in the east, especially in places like Pakistan and India, it is the total opposite. Infact, nevermind the parents not tolerating the fact that the wife has certain rights too, but even the sister in laws won’t tolerate it!, resulting in total wife neglect. And the husband, either he is totally under his mum or totally under his wife – listening to them even if they are wrong. Or he is totally following his desires and does as he pleases. All these situations happen, and they are all an imbalance resulting in oppression and the displeasure of Allaah.
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whitesoul
03-01-2011, 10:19 PM
Assalamu alaykum, Alhamdulillah i am married and well. i live with my in-laws and they are really practising muslim so my mother in law knows where her boundaries lies and so do i, but to please my husband and make him know that i am the best wife he will ever have :Evil:,i treat my mother in law not as mother in law but actually my mother. i show her gratitude,love and even bring her favourite snacks home to eat,and i don't mind living with her as she is like my own mother and treats me like her own daughter. so really it depends on the mother in law and that she is knowledgeable on that she has no rights over her daughter in law and how you treat her has a massive impact in my opinion. so either way can work but i prefer having alot of noise in the house instead of silence. so spread alot of love and smile alot too,and also avoid getting ill most of the time in my experience,its like a no-no :phew
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-01-2011, 10:19 PM
^ wise brother right there mashAllaah


a good balance is always required


May Allah give us tawfeeq to spend our lives not depending on anyone but ourselves, I hate to have to depend on the next generation for my livelihood.
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IbnAbdulHakim
03-01-2011, 10:22 PM
Originally Posted by whitesoul
Assalamu alaykum, Alhamdulillah i am married and well. i live with my in-laws and they are really practising muslim so my mother in law knows where her boundaries lies and so do i, but to please my husband and make him know that i am the best wife he will ever have :Evil:,i treat my mother in law not as mother in law but actually my mother. i show her gratitude,love and even bring her favourite snacks home to eat,and i don't mind living with her as she is like my own mother and treats me like her own daughter. so really it depends on the mother in law and that she is knowledgeable on that she has no rights over her daughter in law and how you treat her has a massive impact in my opinion. so either way can work but i prefer having alot of noise in the house instead of silence. so spread alot of love and smile alot too,and also avoid getting ill most of the time in my experience,its like a no-no :phew
You have mended a slightly wounded heart with that post.


May Allah give us understanding
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piXie
03-01-2011, 10:53 PM
Originally Posted by whitesoul
Assalamu alaykum, Alhamdulillah i am married and well. i live with my in-laws and they are really practising muslim so my mother in law knows where her boundaries lies and so do i, but to please my husband and make him know that i am the best wife he will ever have :Evil:,i treat my mother in law not as mother in law but actually my mother. i show her gratitude,love and even bring her favourite snacks home to eat,and i don't mind living with her as she is like my own mother and treats me like her own daughter. so really it depends on the mother in law and that she is knowledgeable on that she has no rights over her daughter in law and how you treat her has a massive impact in my opinion. so either way can work but i prefer having alot of noise in the house instead of silence. so spread alot of love and smile alot too,and also avoid getting ill most of the time in my experience,its like a no-no :phew
maa sha Allaah, this is the most beautiful and ideal situation imo. May Allaah give all the sisters and mothers the ability to be as caring and sharing.
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Maryan0
03-02-2011, 05:10 AM
Originally Posted by Yanoorah
I'm not asian so this practise is not as common as its in ur culture.

Tbh I dont understand this practise cause its just culture it doesnt have any basis in Islam, therefore I'm kind of against it. I heard some very sad stories, wife serving inlaws, getting tortured n god knows wat. I also heard that the muslims of the south-asian continent took this practise from the hindus as its widely common in their religion.

I am against favouring the husbands family over the wifes family. Which blatantly seems to be the case in this culture.

So my answer is yess!
]
Exactly. If I was an only child and my parents needed me would it be okay if my husband moved in with my family?^o)
If it you're okay with it than alhamdulilah if not that's okay too. I dont understand why people should be guilted into it.

Also this a cultural thing not a general thing so I dont understand why it's posed in a general manner. This is not common in my culture.
Salam
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Reflections
03-02-2011, 04:50 PM
AsSalaamu Aalaykum WarahmatAllah wabarakatuh,

This is a hot topic lol....kheir inshaAllah. From the sort of family and upbringing I've had, parents lived with all the sons and all the daughter in laws and all the grandchildren under one roof...which is a big sum of people. I lived like this for a few years of my life and then slowely slowely we all kind of dispersed from the big house..(to houses round the corner from it-literally). There's never been the mention of 'in law' in the family, its always been 'mum','dad','brother' or 'sister' etc.

Coming from that sort of background, I wouldn't mind living with my 'in laws', which I wouldn't even class them as that, I will be willing to serve them and give them the same sort of treatment I give to my own blood mother and father (including the amount of money I ask from them..jk)....I wouldn't see it a problem so long as they have deen etc...However if it goes with living with the husbands siblings-brothers, then maybe it will be an issue due to observing hijaab/niqaab ya3nee...I don't want to make it an issue like many people do saying 'omg i have to live with the monster (mother)-in-law' but ready to be getting the rewards that is waiting to be gained from serving them and more importantly making my husband happy and most importantly making my Rabb happy with me.
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Cabdullahi
03-02-2011, 05:12 PM
Originally Posted by 'Abd Al-Maajid

and conspiracies...:p
I've heard that member x and someone that goes by the codename 'charisma' are planning to escape the institution that had made them into the ladies they are, its a very complex mission..you can call it the 'great escape' but to me a better suited name would be 'chicken run'

charisma was overheard saying that Mr perfect will be waiting for her at the rendezvous point with his gateway car.

Originally Posted by *charisma*
Assalamu Alaikum

Personally, one of the reasons I would get married is because I would feel ready to leave my family. I don't see the point................... I feel speaking from a hypothetical perspective.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam
Reply

karima
03-02-2011, 06:59 PM
salam aleikum

i would love to live with my in-laws and take care of them, expecially because my mother in law is sick, may allah give her shifaa inshaallah:cry:

but my husband dont want me to, he says he want me to be a queen in my own house. But he is sooo stubborn, i hope some day he will say yes inshaallah.
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Amat Allah
03-03-2011, 12:06 PM
For all of you and me first:

at the end; the decision will be in the hand of the girl; whether she wanted to marry one who wants her to live with his family , inside a cave , under the ground, doesn`t want to buy her a house, living on a tree or wherever or someone who can buy a private place for them both ; there will be no guilt on her and similarly for the guy there will be no gult on him cause she accepted him before and took her decision upon this...

none is forcing her to marry someone whom suites her not ..she should know everything about the one who wants her as a wife and she can decide later and the same for the brother; none can force him to marry someone who doesn`t want to live with his family...

and the brother can tell his parents to find him a girl who agrees to live with him and his family and he will find milions...

there is no need to convince all of some Idea that I believe in no matter how beautiful it seems...

and I must know that some would agree and some would not and that should never be a problem cause everyone has his own opinion and free will and options as long as they are not against Allah, His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and His religion...

there is more than one female in this world and there is more than one male in this world and none forced to accpet the another ......

and again remember that you will only take what Allah written for ya and you will live as Allah written for ya...

not all females alike and the same for males ...and as long as the one is not violating Allah`s Hudud and commandments then none can open his/ her mouth and object...

and always remember to pray Al Istikharah before taking decisions cause Allah Is the all Knowing and we know not what best for us like Allah...laa ilaha illa Allah...

take care of yourselves and May Allah bless you all with the perfect person whom you will live with happily always and forever Ameeeeeen

love you all for the sake of Allah and Allah Is my witness...
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