Fight with my mom, abuse from past included in story

[Proud.Hijaabi]

Salamu Alaykum,

I have been to Islamic Baord for quite sometime now but I've realized that we never talk about issues that truly get to me. I mean for example, child abuse. Maybe we have and I just did not catch it. Umm what I came here to say is that as a child I was sexually abused by my father and it was from the age of 3 or 4- about 8 or 9. I understand it's not my fault and I should feel guilty but I still do. I feel especially guilty that I told my mom (they're divorced since I was 3 but I didn't say anything until he left the country when I was 11 and I was 12 when I told her)
So yesterday, I wanted advice from my mom about school. Usually she lectures me (shes my mom of course) however, all the lectures are the same. One day she saw me really depressed and stressed but she was telling me to relax. Honestly, I realized oh maybe she can give encouraging words again. So I was like mom I'm failing almost everything (not everything) but like I'm doing badly in school. To be honest I was slacking off this semester never studying and going to class occasionally. Eventually my mom had enough. She was like you never tried in the first place how do you expect me to react. And then I got angry because she started making me feel guilty about other kids who have it harder than me. But I don't know what got into me I tried to use the abuse as an excuse and she didn't like that one bit in fact she hates me for it. She even said that I'm not her daughter anymore, that she wished she never had me, that I didn't understand her pain. But to be honest I also told her that I decided to see councelling for help because I have been getting memories back lately. She went INSANE. She won't talk to me and she won't look at me it's hard to breathe And even my body is physically reacting to pain. I just did my midterm today and I didn't sleep a wink last night. I know I failed even though IO had studied since Saturday! for 5 days now. How do I handle this situation? Please help

[S.Belle]

wouldnt it kinda anger you if someone kept coming to you with the same problem and it seemed like they are not trying (not saying U didnt try but it may seem that way to your mom) and yet even after you keep encouraging and lecturing them about the problem nothing comes out of it but them coming back to you to get more lectures.
That would get kinda frustrasting maybe that is what happen in this case with your mom. People tend to say outrageous things when they are mad and im sure your mother didnt mean it she is just human and snapped. Just go to her and apologize for making her angry and tell her that you will try harder in studying and bring your grades up its something that you are going to have to work through
we can get advice from our parents but as children we have to actually follow it (which can be hard at times lol) but in the end our parents have good intentions for us so return her patience by listening to her and actually doing what she says and try your hardest to bring up your grades. You can do it inshallah

If you really need counseling tell her that it is something that you really need to do in order to move forward in your life.... maybe she can join you at the sessions im sure what you went through had some effect on her as well. Its something that the two of you can overcome together and inshallah it will strengthed your relationship with each other.

[Proud.Hijaabi]

I haven't seen her around or talked to her for more than 24 hours now. And I'm emotionally unstable. It'll be hard apologizing but if it's something I got to do then I will. Any suggestions on how?

[S.Belle]

buy her a gift...like flowers or something that she likes and tell her that you would like to apologize for making her angry.
Then sit and talk about how you plan on improving your grades, your relationship with her, etc.
Hope all goes well inshallah

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[Snowflake]

Assalamu alaykum,


My dearest sister, I’m deeply sorry for what you went through. But please, try not to let your pain and frustration get you down, mainly with feeling misunderstood by your mother. As a mother, I will tell you that, mothers, however angry/upset they become with their children, the feeling doesn’t last long – although we sometimes don’t let on that soon. That is so as to make the child really think how their actions affect us.

We expect so much from our mothers. We want them to be these perfect beings who MUST understand us, and MUST be able to handle any situation thrown at them without crumbling and showing any signs of human weakness. But that’s where we go wrong. In all our expectations we forget they are only human being with strengths, weaknesses, hopes and fears like us. So inshaAllah don’t mind, or take to heart the fact that you feel let down by your mum. She is and always will be the person who will be there for you through thick and thin, whatever the case.

No matter what our age, level of education, or experiences, some people just find it hard to say how they are feeling or thinking. I tell you, I am a mother. I’m a mature woman. Not a young girl. Yet there are times I feel like a lost child who needs a mother herself. I am sure others mums, including yours must have moments of vulnerability, where they need to feel cared for too. Your mum hasn't had the joy of a happy marriage, so she too is carrying some pain inside her.

You were honest enough to admit that you had been neglectful of your studies. It takes a strong person to admit their faults. If you possess this sort of strength masha Allah, then I don’t see why you won’t be able turn your mind away from the abuse you suffered and focus on the present and future insha Allah. No matter how much support you get from others, with Allah’s help only you can overcome your weaknesses and make your situation better inshaAllah. Nothing happens without the will of Allah, but Allah has given you a degree of control over your life situations, so your efforts are vital if you want to succeed. Efforts must also include making dua to Allah for all your needs.

Lastly, during painful times, increase remembrance of Allah in reciting al Quran, glorifying and praising Allah by words of glorification dear to Him, and making dua to Him for all your needs. Allah can turn hear whichever way He wills. Pray to Allah to mellow your mum’s heart toward you.

The Prophet (saw)used to supplicate to Allah with the words, “O Allaah! The Turner of the hearts, turn our heart towards Your obedience.” [Saheeh Muslim vol.4, p.1397, no.6418]

Patience:
“Oh you who believe! Seek help with patience, perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere." (al Quran 2:153)

Dhikr:
Allah Most High says, "Truly, it is by the Remembrance of Allah that hearts find rest." [Qur'an, 13.28].


Allah's Messenger (SAW) said: The most beloved words to Allah are four:
Subhaanallaah, Walhamdu lillaah, Wa laa 'ilaaha 'illallaah and Wallaahu 'Akbar.
See more tasbeehat here: http://www.islamawareness.net/Dua/Fortress/130.html

Allah says, "And your Lord says, 'Call on Me: and I will answer you,'"
(Quran: 40:60)

and He says, "Call on your Lord humbly and secretly. He does not love those who overstep the limits."
(Quran 7:55)

He says, "If My slaves ask you about Me, I am near. I answer the call of the caller when he calls on Me,"
(Quran 2:186)

and the Almighty says, "He Who responds to the oppressed when they call on Him and removes their distress."
(Quran 27:62)


It is not Allah Who turns away from us – But we turn away from Him

Hadith Qudsi 15:
On the authority of Abu Harayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Allah the Almighty said:
I am as My servant thinks I am (1). I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assemble better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.

It was related by al-Buhkari (also by Muslim, at-Tirmidhi and Ibn-Majah).