Parents wishes vs My wish

[ibrahim316]

Asalamualaikum

Recently my sister has asked me to go Umrah with her in order to be a mahram for her. I have no problem with this myself.

However, my mother and father may try and stop me from going because they think my sister is disobedient to them. She is attempting to get married without her parents consent and is only seeking apparent guidance from Allah.

How should I approach this matter, should I go to Umrah as it is my personal wish or should I refrain and go with my parents at a later date due to their unhappiness in going with my sister?

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam
imo, you should guide your sister. since you wish to take her to umrah, can it be assumed that you have a good relationship with her? if yes, i think you should advise her about marrying against your parents wishes. if your parents are not allowing her to marry for no (Islamically) legitimate reason, you need to advise them as-well.

about the umrah, either try convince your parents or dont take her. i wouldn't go if my parents didnt want me to.

[ibrahim316]

wa alaykum us-Salaam
imo, you should guide your sister. since you wish to take her to umrah, can it be assumed that you have a good relationship with her? if yes, i think you should advise her about marrying against your parents wishes. if your parents are not allowing her to marry for no (Islamically) legitimate reason, you need to advise them as-well.

about the umrah, either try convince your parents or dont take her. i wouldn't go if my parents didnt want me to.

Jazakallah for the response. I have a good relationship with her. My parents are saying to her not to marry this man as this man is not a nice person but she seems blind to it...To my whole family, it seems like he will use her to gain a passport to the country and then leave her. She has been advised this.

But I have told her I will not be going Umrah without my parents.

[Ansariyah]

Invite your sista home, bring ur parents talk things out. They cant keep on avoiding each other, they need to sort things out. No matter how hard it is this needs to happen first. After that u guys can talk about umrah.

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[ibrahim316]

Invite your sista home, bring ur parents talk things out. They cant keep on avoiding each other, they need to sort things out. No matter how hard it is this needs to happen first. After that u guys can talk about umrah.

Inshallah, I hope they will sort things out, I say this to all my family but they insist "it is no point" as my father will not accept their separated way of life, which then leads to them doing bad things and making wrong decisions.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Jazakallah for the response. I have a good relationship with her. My parents are saying to her not to marry this man as this man is not a nice person but she seems blind to it...To my whole family, it seems like he will use her to gain a passport to the country and then leave her. She has been advised this.

But I have told her I will not be going Umrah without my parents.

as a female, i cannot tell you how much we need for our men-folk to understand and protect us. proper understanding that is, not "you're my cook and cleaner." which it seems like you have a good relationship with her, but im wondering if your sister is in a permissible relationship, what kind of relationship does she have at home with her men-folk? im not saying this is your fault or anything, but none-the-less is there a relationship of "friendship" with you, as her brother. reason being is that if there is no real relationship with the men at home, than this could be a cause of falling easily for ill minded men.

do you talk and joke around with her on a personal level? does she know that you feel gheerah/jealous over her? i mean real gheerah/jealously, not culturally inclined strange ideas about "jealously."

have you explained to her in a genuine brotherly way that you really care for her/her safety and that for this reason you dont want her with this person. does she know the pain you are going through as her brother to see her with this person?

if the evil intents of this person was shown to her, would she listen? i dont mean just telling her that he isnt good for her, but actually explain to her why. like for example, he may only tells her that he loves her when she seems to be making a move to get him so logically explanation alike this may help. but dont actually tell her that per se, just gently direct her in that way where it will make her think about it and come to her own conclusions. so if you mentioned something she would think "hmm yeah that is true come to think of it." im not sure what the best way to go about it is, you know you sister best...so just come up with some kind of plan that she will respond positively to.


also, its a bit late now, but i would have used Umrah as a bargaining chip with her. So you should have told her that you will only go to umrah with her, if she leaves this man.

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

If your sister is following Hanafi fiqh, then she does not need the consent of her wali in order to get married. In which case your parents would be behaving out of line in outcasting her over her decision.

However, it's understandable that they are concerned about the choice she has made. There could be concerns about him just using her so that he can gain entry to the country etc. Unfortunately, it is the nature of a person in 'love' to be blinded to rational thought and the (wise) counsel of others. Sometimes people need to learn lessons themselves the hard way.

I would advise your parents to let her marry him and let her bear any negative consequences of her decision. At the same time, however, they should wish her the best and make dua for her marriage. She's grown up and should be responsible for her actions.

As to your situation bro, pray Istikharah salah and go with what you feel, inshaAllah there will be good in whatever you decide.

[ibrahim316]

as a female, i cannot tell you how much we need for our men-folk to understand and protect us. proper understanding that is, not "you're my cook and cleaner." which it seems like you have a good relationship with her, but im wondering if your sister is in a permissible relationship, what kind of relationship does she have at home with her men-folk? im not saying this is your fault or anything, but none-the-less is there a relationship of "friendship" with you, as her brother. reason being is that if there is no real relationship with the men at home, than this could be a cause of falling easily for ill minded men.

I am not sure, she has met this man through the Internet and there is only meetings rather than anything more going on. She lives in her own house after coming out of a 10 year marriage and she has one son. She will argue with her mother over things but has some respect for her dad. Her older brother is distant somewhat but will get involved if situations get serious. Generally, there isnt a close relationship between her and her brothers.

do you talk and joke around with her on a personal level? does she know that you feel gheerah/jealous over her? i mean real gheerah/jealously, not culturally inclined strange ideas about "jealously."

I joke with her yes, I am not jealous over her at all, not sure how you got this idea! I am just worried she is making the wrong decision in her life even after all our warnings.

have you explained to her in a genuine brotherly way that you really care for her/her safety and that for this reason you dont want her with this person. does she know the pain you are going through as her brother to see her with this person?

My older brother has explained it all to her and she knows we are all against this relationship she wants with this man.

if the evil intents of this person was shown to her, would she listen? i dont mean just telling her that he isnt good for her, but actually explain to her why. like for example, he may only tells her that he loves her when she seems to be making a move to get him so logically explanation alike this may help. but dont actually tell her that per se, just gently direct her in that way where it will make her think about it and come to her own conclusions. so if you mentioned something she would think "hmm yeah that is true come to think of it." im not sure what the best way to go about it is, you know you sister best...so just come up with some kind of plan that she will respond positively to.

The issue is, is that she believes that our family is cursed and she wants to do this by herself for some reason. She said she did an Istikhara to ask guidance from Allah but we dont really know what she dreamed or felt from this. My older siblings have all attempted to make her see sense and that without her family's consent, her relationship with this man will isolate her.

[ibrahim316]

Wa alaykum salam,
If your sister is following Hanafi fiqh, then she does not need the consent of her wali in order to get married. In which case your parents would be behaving out of line in outcasting her over her decision.

I am unsure about the method of Hanafi Fiqh that you've mentioned, what would this involve? She prays namaaz, keeps fast, pays zakat and has been Umrah. And she follows Sunni ways, as we are all from Saudi Arabia. My parents do not wish to outcast her ultimatelly, but they feel that if she is not listening to even her own parents and family, then what chance does she have against other people who will see this an exploit it?