Help needed.... Being blackmailed

[Milad10]

As salamualikum

I've made a huge mistake in my life and I don't know what to do.

Astagfirullah; I committed zina. I have no excuses; and I am repenting every day. I am ashamed to say for both, it was 'fooling around; no strings'.

My parents have agreed to an arranged marriage; and I have cut all contact with the girl.

She know tells me she is love with me etc. She has threatened to tell my family - and I know it is the least you think I deserve. I was her first 'partner' which makes things worse...

I don't understand how the girl thinks I would marry her.

[May Ayob]

Salaam Brother

First of all, i am happy that you have repented say al hamdulilah because the satan may have gotten into more relationships, that would make the situations even worse, so its a good sign from Allah that you still have a living conscience, which make you feel bad and makes you feel remorsefull.

Keep your repentance and cut any tie with this "partner" because it is obvious that she is trying to weaken you down by her telling you that she is in love with you and all that but i do advise you something , it is very important to realise that if it is true that you are her first partner then you have to make things better by declining this arranged marriage that your parents are planning , and because the fact that you are a male then i think it is much easier you can persuade your parents into leaving this marriage and i honestly think it would be better if you married this girl because you have already taken her innocence and it will make up for the zina, if she's a good girl indirectly try to convince your parents that she will be a very good wife for you and will be a good mother,

[Milad10]

Jzk for your reply sister.

To be honest, I just want her to move on. I could never love this girl; I had no respect for her and did what I did. I can't help but change the way I feel.

I don't believe a good girl would blackmail someone into marriage. We both made mistakes, why can't she just move on.

I really don't know what to do in regards to my family. She will tell them, and I cannot risk that.

I have started to hate her now; which I know is against Islam, she is making me feel this way.

I am hoping she will go away but she is like a ticking time bomb.

I am scared, but parents will be broken hearted and it would ruin my family. .


I know I sound like a coward, I just do know what to say to make her move on. I can just imagine her knocking on my mother's door just out of spite

Salaam Brother



First of all, i am happy that you have repented say al hamdulilah because the satan may have gotten into more relationships, that would make the situations even worse, so its a good sign from Allah that you still have a living conscience, which make you feel bad and makes you feel remorsefull.

Keep your repentance and cut any tie with this "partner" because it is obvious that she is trying to weaken you down by her telling you that she is in love with you and all that but i do advise you something , it is very important to realise that if it is true that you are her first partner then you have to make things better by declining this arranged marriage that your parents are planning , and because the fact that you are a male then i think it is much easier you can persuade your parents into leaving this marriage and i honestly think it would be better if you married this girl because you have already taken her innocence and it will make up for the zina, if she's a good girl indirectly try to convince your parents that she will be a very good wife for you and will be a good mother,

[aadil77]

You don't have many options: try and convince her to not do it, marry her if she's muslim or just accept the fact that the truth will come out

Make sure you do plenty of dua and repentance, ask Allah to conceal your sins

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[Milad10]

Jzk.... I have a lot of thinking to do.

[Asiyah3]

:wa:

I wouldn't really advice marrying her, especially if she hasn't repented and she's not a good girl.

[Milad10]

She has given me an ultimatum for Thurs 5pm. I guess I'll have to tell my family. I just don't know how / what to say. Why can she not see she will ruin both her and my life. Any ideas how / what do say to family. I feel sick thinking of it.

[Milad10]

As far as she's concerned she has repented - She wants to turn something haraam into halal.

[Cabdullahi]

She has given me an ultimatum for Thurs 5pm. I guess I'll have to tell my family. I just don't know how / what to say. Why can she not see she will ruin both her and my life. Any ideas how / what do say to family. I feel sick thinking of it.

just talk to her and convince her in a nice manner

[Cabdullahi]

As far as she's concerned she has repented - She wants to turn something haraam into halal.

then just marry her bro....if she shows signs that she's improving and wanting to practice Islam

[Dagless]

She has given me an ultimatum for Thurs 5pm. I guess I'll have to tell my family. I just don't know how / what to say. Why can she not see she will ruin both her and my life. Any ideas how / what do say to family. I feel sick thinking of it.

Nobody likes to be pressured into something but if she's Muslim and willing to repent, why not give her a chance? If you really don't want to marry her then avoid all contact. To be honest I doubt she'll tell your parents so soon, it seems to be the only hold she has over you. Call her bluff I say. Even if she does tell them, who cares? Everyone makes mistakes.

[in-the-shadows]

i'm sorry but i don't see why exactly people are saying you are a good person for having repented and actually giving you advice on how to "get away" especially blackmailing her in return, i mean wow you people are just outrageous. what you did was a horrible thing, you took her virginity, if you were so eager to engage in zina, why didn't you pick someone who you knew was a known zaaniyah and do it with her? you had to pick a poor innocent girl and fool her into being a relationship with you and take advantage of her trust? yes, what she did was stupid, but if you had not been there to do it, she would not have done it either. everyone makes mistakes, you did too, so how can you judge her as being immoral and have no respect for her when YOU yourself did the same thing? in fact she is much better than you because at least she wants to fix this and get married now. what is she supposed to do, go marry someone else? and how easy it is for you to say now "oh i have no respect for her and what i did" well grow up and be a man, own up to the responsibilities of your actions. she is doing well by telling your parents and if you have an ounce of shame you yourself would have said i'm really sorry for what i did to you, i want to marry you and make this halal. you make it sound like you are so innocent and she is a bad girl and you have no respect for her, you were her first partner and i'm sure you were just as much to blame in this, so therefore you become the person who spoilt her innocence, so now don't just walk away like it's so easy to do that. it's a huge freaking deal what you did, it's not as easy as you repenting and just getting away. can you return her virginity and her innocence to her? NO. so marry her now. tell your parents you would like to marry her before she reveals it to your family that you have committed this sin. if she has repented, she is clear of sins inshaAllah, and this is not blackmail, it's her being reasonable and treating you how you should be treated. i do feel sorry for her though, because now she will have to marry a complete idiot like you. just wow. what a coward. have some shame.

[Milad10]

Brother; you are a good guy. I am deeply sorry. Your post is full of anger and it is all because of my actions. I am ashamed. I repent every minute of the day. I did not realise she was so pure; her attitude everything was so westernised as if she did not care; I only realised when it was too late.

[S.Belle]

what you did was a horrible thing, you took her virginity, if you were so eager to engage in zina, why didn't you pick someone who you knew was a known zaaniyah and do it with her? you had to pick a poor innocent girl and fool her into being a relationship with you and take advantage of her trust? yes, what she did was stupid, but if you had not been there to do it, she would not have done it either. everyone makes mistakes, you did too, so how can you judge her as being immoral and have no respect for her when YOU yourself did the same thing? in fact she is much better than you because at least she wants to fix this and get married now. what is she supposed to do, go marry someone else? and how easy it is for you to say now "oh i have no respect for her and what i did" well grow up and be a man, own up to the responsibilities of your actions. she is doing well by telling your parents and if you have an ounce of shame you yourself would have said i'm really sorry for what i did to you, i want to marry you and make this halal. you make it sound like you are so innocent and she is a bad girl and you have no respect for her, you were her first partner and i'm sure you were just as much to blame in this, so therefore you become the person who spoilt her innocence, so now don't just walk away like it's so easy to do that. it's a huge freaking deal what you did, it's not as easy as you repenting and just getting away. can you return her virginity and her innocence to her? NO. so marry her now. tell your parents you would like to marry her before she reveals it to your family that you have committed this sin. if she has repented, she is clear of sins inshaAllah, and this is not blackmail, it's her being reasonable and treating you how you should be treated. i do feel sorry for her though, because now she will have to marry a complete idiot like you. just wow. what a coward. have some shame.

I agree with this except for the part about her being better than you simply bc you two are in the same boat.
Please forgive me if I offend but you are potraying yourself as being very selfish you have sex with this girl ( its just as much her fault as yours) and you dont want to face the reality of what you have done (yes you repented alhamdulliah) but you still have her to deal with.
You took her innocence so she prob has strong feelings for you.
And your way of handling it is to simply brush her off your shoulder and move on bc you had your fun. That's not right.
You need to talk with her bc if you just up and told her you wanted nothing to do with her or ignored her. She prob has no sense of closure and maybe doesnt even understand why you are treating her this way. So in reture she is black mailing you into being with her bc she has not closure....or simply wants to make a wrong into a right by marrying you.
I'm not agreeing with the way she is handling this situation (by blackmailing you) but can you blame her?

[in-the-shadows]

i am sorry too if i hurt your feelings. i know you are deeply ashamed and sorry for what you did, may Allah make it easy for you, but the guilt you have in your heart is a sign that you still have imaan, so it is a good thing. it is a bad situation that you are in, and i hope that you can find some remedy for it inshaAllah. the girl who you did this to, yes she may have seemed of a very loose character etc. but that doesn't mean it was ok to go that far with her. think about it, if you had a sister and someone did that to her, would you not want to kill that guy and drag him to the imam and make him marry her somehow? what if God forbid this ever happens to your own daughter? how would you feel? and girls think differently, to you it may have been no strings attached but to her eyes it was you wanting to be with her forever, then only were you going that far with her. would you be fair to the person who you are marrying via arranged marriage? you obviously did like this girl in some sense which is why you decided to have a relationship with her. you have to understand that she is not deserving of hate for what she is doing, she is obviously panicked and sees you are marrying someone else and she is a good girl because she wants to marry you and be with you instead of saying oh well whatever, i will go on and marry some other guy. she could have done that too, but she did not, means she is not a bad person. you can learn to love her too can't you? she obviously have a conscience because she cannot see herself marrying someone else after what happened between you two. she sees this as the last straw to somehow make you marry her. it is still not too late, don't let this mess get worse.

[Salahudeen]

i'm sorry but i don't see why exactly people are saying you are a good person for having repented and actually giving you advice on how to "get away" especially blackmailing her in return, i mean wow you people are just outrageous. what you did was a horrible thing, you took her virginity, if you were so eager to engage in zina, why didn't you pick someone who you knew was a known zaaniyah and do it with her? you had to pick a poor innocent girl and fool her into being a relationship with you and take advantage of her trust? yes, what she did was stupid, but if you had not been there to do it, she would not have done it either. everyone makes mistakes, you did too, so how can you judge her as being immoral and have no respect for her when YOU yourself did the same thing? in fact she is much better than you because at least she wants to fix this and get married now. what is she supposed to do, go marry someone else? and how easy it is for you to say now "oh i have no respect for her and what i did" well grow up and be a man, own up to the responsibilities of your actions. she is doing well by telling your parents and if you have an ounce of shame you yourself would have said i'm really sorry for what i did to you, i want to marry you and make this halal. you make it sound like you are so innocent and she is a bad girl and you have no respect for her, you were her first partner and i'm sure you were just as much to blame in this, so therefore you become the person who spoilt her innocence, so now don't just walk away like it's so easy to do that. it's a huge freaking deal what you did, it's not as easy as you repenting and just getting away. can you return her virginity and her innocence to her? NO. so marry her now. tell your parents you would like to marry her before she reveals it to your family that you have committed this sin. if she has repented, she is clear of sins inshaAllah, and this is not blackmail, it's her being reasonable and treating you how you should be treated. i do feel sorry for her though, because now she will have to marry a complete idiot like you. just wow. what a coward. have some shame.

I agree with what the sister said above, you have ruined this girl's life, you think another man is gonna have her after he realizes she's not a virgin and she's never been married? You've condemmed her to an eternity alone, the right thing to do is become a man and take responsibility for your actions and marry her with the condition that you both become pious together.

You shouldn't think low of her cos of what she done with you, cos you're the same. If not worse, cos for her, she thought you were the 1 that she'd probably marry, she really believed you would marry her and that you loved her, thats why she sacrificed her honour for you. I bet she never dreamed that you have such a low opinion of her, she probably thought you worshipped the ground she walked on and really loved you. But for you it was just a bit of play and fun. For her, it was her whole life.

I think she's actually doing the right thing, and if you don't do the honourable thing and marry her, I do hope your family find out because that's minor compared to what she's going to have to face for the rest of her life.

[Milad10]

The date for my wedding is more or less set - We are now looking for a venue. I am practically married. This is such a huge mess. The girl I am meant to marry - she is such an innocent girl, MA she is hijabi / jilbab ; perfect. How can I hurt her now. I ask ; please all pray for me.

[aadil77]

She has given me an ultimatum for Thurs 5pm. I guess I'll have to tell my family. I just don't know how / what to say. Why can she not see she will ruin both her and my life. Any ideas how / what do say to family. I feel sick thinking of it.

Don't tell your family, you never know Allah may choose to hide your sins, so keep repenting till then

[Cabdullahi]

I agree with what the sister said above, you have ruined this girl's life.

I believe it was consensual, he didnt rape her but nonetheless he messed up and the best he could do now is marry her after they repent and get back on track with their faith.

it may not be easy as it sounds so May Allah guide them both and help them

[aadil77]

The date for my wedding is more or less set - We are now looking for a venue. I am practically married. This is such a huge mess. The girl I am meant to marry - she is such an innocent girl, MA she is hijabi / jilbab ; perfect. How can I hurt her now. I ask ; please all pray for me.

Thats the worst part of it, Allah says in the Qur'an:

The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator or a polytheist, and that has been made unlawful to the believers. 24:3

[Alpha Dude]

i'm sorry but i don't see why exactly people are saying you are a good person for having repented and actually giving you advice on how to "get away" especially blackmailing her in return, i mean wow you people are just outrageous. what you did was a horrible thing, you took her virginity, if you were so eager to engage in zina, why didn't you pick someone who you knew was a known zaaniyah and do it with her? you had to pick a poor innocent girl and fool her into being a relationship with you and take advantage of her trust? yes, what she did was stupid, but if you had not been there to do it, she would not have done it either. everyone makes mistakes, you did too, so how can you judge her as being immoral and have no respect for her when YOU yourself did the same thing? in fact she is much better than you because at least she wants to fix this and get married now. what is she supposed to do, go marry someone else? and how easy it is for you to say now "oh i have no respect for her and what i did" well grow up and be a man, own up to the responsibilities of your actions. she is doing well by telling your parents and if you have an ounce of shame you yourself would have said i'm really sorry for what i did to you, i want to marry you and make this halal. you make it sound like you are so innocent and she is a bad girl and you have no respect for her, you were her first partner and i'm sure you were just as much to blame in this, so therefore you become the person who spoilt her innocence, so now don't just walk away like it's so easy to do that. it's a huge freaking deal what you did, it's not as easy as you repenting and just getting away. can you return her virginity and her innocence to her? NO. so marry her now. tell your parents you would like to marry her before she reveals it to your family that you have committed this sin. if she has repented, she is clear of sins inshaAllah, and this is not blackmail, it's her being reasonable and treating you how you should be treated. i do feel sorry for her though, because now she will have to marry a complete idiot like you. just wow. what a coward. have some shame.

I have to agree with this, bro Milad. You have to take responsibility for your actions now that the deed has been done.

It seems the best thing for all parties would be for you to marry this girl. This way, you two who have both indulged in zina end up together and the girl who your marriage is arranged to doesn't have to suffer by having a person who comitted zina as her husband.

[Alpha Dude]

The date for my wedding is more or less set - We are now looking for a venue. I am practically married. This is such a huge mess. The girl I am meant to marry - she is such an innocent girl, MA she is hijabi / jilbab ; perfect. How can I hurt her now. I ask ; please all pray for me.

Ask yourself bro, based on your action, do you deserve this person?

Does she deserve you?

You'd be hurting her more by marrying her, imo.

[جوري]

Nobody likes to be pressured into something but if she's Muslim and willing to repent, why not give her a chance? If you really don't want to marry her then avoid all contact. To be honest I doubt she'll tell your parents so soon, it seems to be the only hold she has over you. Call her bluff I say. Even if she does tell them, who cares? Everyone makes mistakes.

I have to agree with this and the subsequent posts!
you have lost your virginity and repented and it is all fine and well..
she has lost her virginity and repented .. will all be fine and well?

losing your virginity without marriage in a society that highly values that in a girl is practically a death sentence.
She's probably more desperate than you're.. Do you think it would be OK for her to expose herself as an adulterous to her folks and yours unless she was that desperate? You say you have no respect for her, but have you renewed respect for yourself? You were a willing participant you had your fun and trying to put your life together? How will she put her life together.. I am sorry I can't sympathize with you .. repenting is all nice and good and may Allah swt accept both your repentance but you also have to pay for your crime.. I think at least being known as an adulterer would give any potential mate you might deceive in the future a fair chance to turn you down as I am sure she will be turned down for losing the most valuable thing.. the very citadel that deems her a chaste woman!

:w:

[Milad10]

It was a moment of weakness. I've always lowered by gaze, never looked at a girl before, nothing. Even with her, I stopped, and she time and time emotionally blackmailed me - I was weak and I went back to her. She promised time and time again it did not mean anything and both reiterated the no strings. I will look after my wife, that's all Ive ever wanted, a chance to look after my family.

I do deserve this girl, I will love her, respect her, honour her , everything. I see why you think I do not deserve her, but this was my past; a silly school boy error.

[جوري]

I agree with what the sister said above, you have ruined this girl's life, you think another man is gonna have her after he realizes she's not a virgin and she's never been married? You've condemmed her to an eternity alone, the right thing to do is become a man and take responsibility for your actions and marry her with the condition that you both become pious together.

You shouldn't think low of her cos of what she done with you, cos you're the same. If not worse, cos for her, she thought you were the 1 that she'd probably marry, she really believed you would marry her and that you loved her, thats why she sacrificed her honour for you. I bet she never dreamed that you have such a low opinion of her, she probably thought you worshipped the ground she walked on and really loved you. But for you it was just a bit of play and fun. For her, it was her whole life.

I think she's actually doing the right thing, and if you don't do the honourable thing and marry her, I do hope your family find out because that's minor compared to what she's going to have to face for the rest of her life.

I am so proud of you for writing this.. I was rather upset with the first few responses but I am so glad Muslim men from our midst know what it means to be noble, honorable and keep your word.. Sob7an Allah.. What a grievous sin and a grievous thing to do thereafter..

Also I am aware and Allah swt knows best that punishment for a sin is expiation for it.. If his punishment is in the form of people knowing so he's equally tainted then so be it!
This thread isn't about the blackmail this thread is about adultery .. it isn't all fine and well I have repented and why can't she leave me alone!

ugh..

[جوري]

It was a moment of weakness. I've always lowered by gaze, never looked at a girl before, nothing. Even with her, I stopped, and she time and time emotionally blackmailed me - I was weak and I went back to her. She promised time and time again it did not mean anything and both reiterated the no strings. I will look after my wife, that's all Ive ever wanted, a chance to look after my family.

I do deserve this girl, I will love her, respect her, honour her , everything. I see why you think I do not deserve her, but this was my past; a silly school boy error.

let me tell you something about girls, women in general.. there is no such a thing as 'no strings attached' when it comes to relationships with men, she was probably doing it (I can't for the life of me imagine why) but probably with thoughts that you might fall in love with her if she gives you herself and have a family with you.. Every girl thinks the first guy she meets is the one.. believe me they all do myself included and I like to think of myself as wise and reasoning. If you're not mature enough to think of this past a school boy fling, what makes you think that she is mature enough to have her fun move on and call it a school girl fling? What is wrong with you?

When you propose to a girl will you tell her you were once a fornicator and let her decide whether or not she wants to be with you?

because with her everyone will know, naturally, I think people should know with you too!

[CosmicPathos]

tough situation for the girl, not for you though as your new wife wont know that you were a zaani unless you tell her. Not that the membrane is a litmus test for virginity but I guess our societies think it is a very specific test to see membrane for zina. But I dont know if she will be gaining Allah's favors by telling more people that she has committed zina just so they can force you to marry her, especially when Allah swt has hidden your and her sin. Got no other advise really, God help her n yu.

[Alpha Dude]

It was a moment of weakness. I've always lowered by gaze, never looked at a girl before, nothing. Even with her, I stopped, and she time and time emotionally blackmailed me - I was weak and I went back to her. She promised time and time again it did not mean anything and both reiterated the no strings. I will look after my wife, that's all Ive ever wanted, a chance to look after my family.

I do deserve this girl, I will love her, respect her, honour her , everything. I see why you think I do not deserve her, but this was my past; a silly school boy error.

We all have moments of weakness and nobody is above making mistakes. However, after realising the error of our ways we should attempt to set right and make ammends for them.

Allah knows best, but it seems the best thing in your case is to marry the girl of your past, in order to set right the wrong that was done. Together, you two can repent and seek to be better muslims.

As for this new girl, if she knew about the other girl, she would likely feel betrayed and no amount of love, respect and honour you give her could make up for that. Just to give you some perspective, bro - would you personally want to marry a girl who slept with another guy, even though she may have repented and promised to love, honour and respect you?

[جوري]

tough situation for the girl, not for you though as your new wife wont know that you were a zaani unless you tell her. Not that the membrane is a litmus test for virginity but I guess our societies think it is a very specific test to see membrane for zina. But I dont know if she will be gaining Allah's favors by telling more people that she has committed zina just so they can force you to marry her, especially when Allah swt has hidden your and her sin. Got no other advise really, Godspeed.

indeed many born again virgins even after marriage and especially in the west (not an eastern society thing solely) just to recapture the magic of earlier days. It was the most requested cosmetic surgery in my Ob/Gyne rotation ..

be that as it may, sin indeed shouldn't be displayed, but I think it is highly unfair that he'd drop her like last night's garbage and start fresh because his repentance is well so sincere and hers is questionable at best?

I am willing to go so far to say our OP is from Egypt.. the story almost repeats itself daily..Why these girls think they can land themselves a guy by doing this is beyond me, but what is even more disgusting is that I haven't come across one not a single one that has done the honorable thing after committing such a sin!

:w:

[جوري]

The date for my wedding is more or less set - We are now looking for a venue. I am practically married. This is such a huge mess. The girl I am meant to marry - she is such an innocent girl, MA she is hijabi / jilbab ; perfect. How can I hurt her now. I ask ; please all pray for me.

the hijabi/jilbab wearing girl deserves a pious husband with no past. You're not it!
you'd be hurting her once you marry her not if you leave her by being forth coming!

[Maryan0]

indeed many born again virgins even after marriage and especially in the west (not an eastern society thing solely) just to recapture the magic of earlier days. It was the most requested cosmetic surgery in my Ob/Gyne rotation ..

be that as it may, sin indeed shouldn't be displayed, but I think it is highly unfair that he'd drop her like last night's garbage and start fresh because his repentance is well so sincere and hers is questionable at best?

I am willing to go so far to say our OP is from Egypt.. the story almost repeats itself daily..Why these girls think they can land themselves a guy by doing this is beyond me, but what is even more disgusting is that I haven't come across one not a single one that has done the honorable thing after committing such a sin!

:w:

"born again virgins" I don't know if that wording was meant to be funny but lol. I agree with many of the posts but if the brother is about to get married to another lady it's a little too late, unless he's exposed and the other sister chooses to leave him.
Salam

[Lonely Gal]

i think u need to talk to her but dont show her how afraid u are of this secret coming out. U cant really tell ur own family especially as u dony want her to be ur wife. There is no point giving into her threats, it will only cause heartache later down the line. She must feel like ur her world and ur destroying it by walking away, hence the action she is willing to take but deep down she's just desprate for u not to leave her, she knows how much shame it will bring to her and her family, tread carefully consider her feelings buy dont show fear... Nor should u be heartless towards her...

[جوري]

"born again virgins" I don't know if that wording was meant to be funny but lol. I agree with many of the posts but if the brother is about to get married to another lady it's a little too late, unless he's exposed and the other sister chooses to leave him.
Salam

I think the Hijabi jilbab wearing sister should know about this and the choice to leave or stay would be up to her..it would take care of many things all at once and there would be no deception going into this marriage. I believe that to enter a marriage based on deception will do only the innocent party harm..
Does she deserve this? would you marry a repentant fornicator who left another girl in such a fashion? Let me answer that for you because I once got proposed to by a fornicator and I wasn't supposed to know of the other girl but I did and al7mdlillah I said no.. you'd be also sad to know that the other girl had killed herself!

I am sorry but I have no respect for these repentant types, they mess with people's lives and think they deserve the best!

[Lonely Gal]

If the secret doea comes out im sure everyone will see how much u regret it

[CosmicPathos]

yes, i dont think that you deserve this really nice hijabi/jilbabi girl that you passionately talk of since you have not really earned her through your deeds. Even if Allah swt has accepted your repentance, it does not mean you are at the same level of emaan (since you are starting anew after repentance) as this new girl you are supposed to marry. But I guess this is the dilemma of our societies, your parents might have convinced her parents that their son (you) is one gem of a person in this whole universe. And i doubt that you slept with her not knowing that she wants to marry you ....

[جوري]

yes, i dont think that you deserve this really nice hijabi/jilbabi girl that you passionately talk of since you have not really earned her through your deeds. Even if Allah swt has accepted your repentance, it does not mean you are at the same level of emaan (since you are starting anew after repentance) as this new girl you are supposed to marry. But I guess this is the dilemma of our societies, your parents might have convinced her parents that their son (you) is one gem of a person in this whole universe.

lol your post really offered me my first hearty laugh of the day Jazaka Allah khyran..
here is to the gems and nuggets of our world and the parents who love them..

[Tyrion]

I think the Hijabi jilbab wearing sister should know about this and the choice to leave or stay would be up to her..it would take care of many things all at once and there would be no deception going into this marriage. I believe that to enter a marriage based on deception will do only the innocent party harm..
Does she deserve this? would you marry a repentant fornicator who left another girl in such a fashion? Let me answer that for you because I once got proposed to by a fornicator and I wasn't supposed to know of the other girl but I did and al7mdlillah I said no.. you'd be also sad to know that the other girl had killed herself!

This. If you want to go through with this new arranged marriage, you need to tell her and see if she's still willing to go through with it.

[Maryan0]

I think the Hijabi jilbab wearing sister should know about this and the choice to leave or stay would be up to her..it would take care of many things all at once and there would be no deception going into this marriage. I believe that to enter a marriage based on deception will do only the innocent party harm..

I agree

Does she deserve this? would you marry a repentant fornicator who left another girl in such a fashion? Let me answer that for you because I once got proposed to by a fornicator and I wasn't supposed to know of the other girl but I did and al7mdlillah I said no.. you'd be also sad to know that the other girl had killed herself!

Subhanallah that is very sad may Allah have mercy on the sister.

I am sorry but I have no respect for these repentant types, they mess with people's lives and think they deserve the best!

I can't help but feel bad for this brother everyone deserves a second chance... but he should face the consequences for his actions not necessarily marrying this girl but the one he wants to marry should know that he is a zani.

Salam

[Nájlá]

Subhanallah your running away from your mess? Be a man and go and clean your mess up... I don't get players these days :/

Its a good thing you've repented but shes repented too, you don't deserve this hijaabi girl. Marry her and start a new page if you can't carry on with ur life with her then get a divorce at least this way the girl can move on without having to fear anything and you can also move on too. Afterall the truth will come out if you don't do the right choice to hide your sins. Speak to this hijaabi girl and tell her everything and she will refuse you. end it this way without having to let your parents know.

[جوري]

I agree

muwaaaa

Subhanallah that is very sad may Allah have mercy on the sister.

I know I felt terrible that she killed herself.. she lost everything sob7an Allah..

I can't help but feel bad for this brother everyone deserves a second chance... but he should face the consequences for his actions not necessarily marrying this girl but the one he wants to marry should know that he is a zani.

Salam

the one who proposed to me after a series of turn downs especially after her death actually ended up marrying a pretty nice girl and I think he sincerely repented too.. I don't know though why in my heart I can't forgive what became of that other girl especially that she was 17 and he was 23.. much too young and I know she couldn't think of a way out..

sob7an Allah

[Maryan0]

muwaaaa

I know I felt terrible that she killed herself.. she lost everything sob7an Allah..



the one who proposed to me after a series of turn downs especially after her death actually ended up marrying a pretty nice girl and I think he sincerely repented too.. I don't know though why in my heart I can't forgive what became of that other girl especially that she was 17 and he was 23.. much too young and I know she couldn't think of a way out..

sob7an Allah

I don't blame you I don't think I would be able to forgive either. I wouldnt be able to forgive myself if I were him.
Salam

[Milad10]

Her family asked for my hand in marriage...

[جوري]

Her family asked for my hand in marriage...

I think you need to sit down with yourself and assess the situation.. it is in your hand solely .. you could potentially ruin two people's lives here.. one who loves you and one who trusts you.. of the two I think the one who trusts you at least deserves your complete honesty.. and the one who loves deserves that you reciprocate and do the right thing!


And Allah swt knows best

:w:

[Ghazalah]

If you want to go through with this new arranged marriage, you need to tell her and see if she's still willing to go through with it.

Hmmm, if Allah is concealing our sins then shouldn't we also? :hmm: I do understand the idea that you should tell her as there should be no deception when entering a marriage, however say for example the first girl does leave you alone, you have moved on with your life, telling the wife of your past will only build insecurities, no? Or am I just seeing this in a whole different way? :mmokay:

[جوري]

Hmmm, if Allah is concealing our sins then shouldn't we also? :hmm: I do understand the idea that you should tell her as there should be no deception when entering a marriage, however say for example the first girl does leave you alone, you have moved on with your life, telling the wife of your past will only build insecurities, no? Or am I just seeing this in a whole different way? :mmokay:

you're seeing it in the form that we should conceal our sins and I agree.. except in this case there is a whole other being that we're not considering.. Maybe he moved on with his life but she clearly hasn't .. doesn't every repentant life deserve a chance? If he doesn't want her, he should at least secure as he has for himself that she has moved on found someone and is able to marry.. but the reality is he can potentially walk away from this untainted whereas she will be for life, the mere fact that she wants to expose such a sin knowing full well it will be known to the world denotes that she really feels she doesn't have much to lose at this stage..

and Allah swt knows best

:w:

[Ansariyah]

:wa:

I wouldn't really advice marrying her, especially if she hasn't repented and she's not a good girl.

Wat does that make him? Just as Bad! Open ur eyes, stop laying the blame only on the girl!

As far as she's concerned she has repented - She wants to turn something haraam into halal.

So? Wat is wrong with that? That requires courage, but u trying to sneak away now u had ur fun makes u a messed up Coward!

[aadil77]

I am willing to go so far to say our OP is from Egypt.. the story almost repeats itself daily..Why these girls think they can land themselves a guy by doing this is beyond me, but what is even more disgusting is that I haven't come across one not a single one that has done the honorable thing after committing such a sin!

:w:

I'm pretty sure his origins are pakistani, his wife to be is probably from pakistan, everything is probably arranged and the girl probably doesn't have much of a choice but to accept her parents wishes. Sad, but this is how it goes with a lot of pakistani families in this country

[Maryan0]

^ Coward is kind of harsh. I'm really feeling bad for the brother he's being berated quite harshly on this topic.
Salam

[Milad10]

We are of both south asian desent, both UK.

[جوري]

I agree that I am harsh too.. I just feel really bad for the other girl, especially that she's not here to give us her side of things and as I said once I was in a situation where I learned the other party killed herself.. She is a human being too who's being tossed aside like garbage.. and I feel that even if he did the right thing and married her he'd treat her badly on several accounts.
1- he's already professed he neither has love nor respect for her
2- she has threatened a tender thing that is blossoming no one wants to leave the concept of perfection for something tainted even if they have contributed to it
3- something between them is obviously broken..

but in the end where does all this leave the other girl? and the what of the girl who is about to be deceived that her chastity is met with the same?


:w:

[Milad10]

Believe me, I know

Wat does that make him? Just as Bad! Open ur eyes, stop laying the blame only on the girl!



So? Wat is wrong with that? That requires courage, but u trying to sneak away now u had ur fun makes u a messed up Coward!

[Tyrion]

^ Coward is kind of harsh. I'm really feeling bad for the brother he's being berated quite harshly on this topic.

Yeah, I think you have a point. He understands that he did something wrong, so maybe we should focus on giving him advice without making him feel worse...

[Cabdullahi]

A tale of two frogs


A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them
fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit
was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The
two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit
with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop,
that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took
heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down
and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again,
the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He
jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the
other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to
them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the
entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it
through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes
to kill them.

Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your
path. The power of words... it is sometimes hard to understand
that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak
words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in
difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time
to encourage another.

Author Unknown

[Ansariyah]

Believe me, I know

As my brother in Islam, I owe you truth. I am not trying to kick you when your down. I am trying to help!

Allah can forgive you both if you sincerely repent. InshaAllah continue sincerely repenting. Allah is most mercyfull Most forgiving.

I'm not saying you have to marry her. That choice is entirely upto you. But is it a good way to start marriage with another girl when one has bad feelings for you in her heart?
You need to try and resolve these issues. So that watever you do with your life, you wont have someone somewhere out there who wishes you unhappiness.

[جوري]

A tale of two frogs


A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them
fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit
was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The
two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit
with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop,
that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took
heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down
and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again,
the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He
jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the
other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to
them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the
entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it
through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes
to kill them.

Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your
path. The power of words... it is sometimes hard to understand
that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak
words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in
difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time
to encourage another.

Author Unknown

I really liked this story Jazaka Allah khyran..

[Asiyah3]

Wat does that make him? Just as Bad! Open ur eyes, stop laying the blame only on the girl!

I said I can't advice marrying her if she hasn't repented and if she isn't a good girl. At this time we didn't know yet that the girl had repented. Then, the brother informed us she had.

Since she has repented and wants to make things halal, I agree with you the brother should definitely take responsibility for his deed and marry the girl he was with.

[Abu Zainab]

Brother Milad10 I can tell from your posts and the way you handled all the thrashing you got on this thread that you are a good guy with a good heart.

In my humble opinion there are two scenarios to this situation:

1. From one of your post it could be understood that you were just being a friend to this girl and she practically lured you into committing this sin in order to blackmail you (which really seems to be a far-fetched assumption). If this is true, we all know what your future actions should be.

2. But if what happened between you two happened because of carelessness and being alone (which is haram in itself) then you should really sit down and think with a cool mind. Would you really want to destroy this girl's life? I mean you liked her enough to be with her for so long so what's wrong with her now.

And if you two DO get married, treat her fairly and start a new pious life as if nothing has happened.

[nature]

:sl:

you've been given good advice, up2 you, what you do with it. I think you should at least tell the potential wife, in confidence. Its up2 her then isnt it ? she mite still wana go ahead, if shes knows you've repented every1 makes mistakes. if you stay quite what if this other girl comes and spoil things after the wedding ?? think how hurt your wife/family would be ?? its a massive thing 4 a girl to be decieved, & you dont really wana start your marriage off in a bad way. Its easy for guys to move on, but not 4 girls. Rather than announce it to the whole world, you can fix this.

what are your inclinations ?? what do you wana do ?? who do you wana marry ? is there chance with the first one ?? shes obviously hurting, so nip that in the bud, if there isnt.

Just dont expect to sit back and do nothing and everything to be ok, cos it wont.

:wa:

[ghost]

My understanding is that in regards to marriage, one is not allowed to ask the other about their past - marriage is supposed to be a new start, a new life for the couple. The replies in this thread are based on their own personal feelings and not from Quran and sunnah.

If the guy has repented then it is for Allah, and Allah alone to judge him, not you lot. Similarly if the woman in question has repented then it is for Allah to judge her and Allah alone. The very fact that you all are judging him and telling him what to do proves that you lot think best. Marriage is a blessing and if Allah Wills that a man who has committed zina 1000 times is to marry the most pious woman on the planet then so be it.

Thirdly, the woman in this scenario is not innocent. Just because the guy may appear to be more in wrong does not exonerate the woman from sin. It takes two to commit zina and she was a willing participant. It speaks to her character that she is willing to destroy the guy's relationship with his family in order to get what she wants. Sure he should take some responsibility for his actions but so should she! They both need to accept what they've done is wrong and repent to Allah - and that is what they both have (apparently) done. Don't you see that this is the most important thing?

This life is a test, and a temporary one at that. These two have failed a test and have committed zina. Similarly us lot who are looking in from the outside are being tested on how we react to such news. You're all feeling sorry for the wife-to-be, have I missed something? Do you all suddenly possess the power to see the future? This guy may turn out to be the best possibly husband for this woman, who are you to deny that? Allah knows best, not you. Also just because she wears a piece of cloth over her head doesn't make her Miss Religious. And if it turns out that she is pious then she would know about Isthikaar (oh and by the way, what is Isthikaar, ah yes, asking Allah for guidance).

The act of zina is haraam, it is a great sin no doubt. The act of repentance however is a greater good and Allah loves those who repent - this isn't an excuse to sin but rather one who sins then repents is doing so due to fear of Allah. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying what the guy should or shouldn't do, he should seek someone knowledgable in Islam to answer that, someone who can guide him using examples from the Quran and sunnah, not some personal feelings from angry elitist women (and for some reason, guys) on an internet forum.

My Islamic advice to you - guy - is to perform Isthikaar and to tell your wife-to-be to do the same. Seek a Sheikh or a Scholar in Islam regarding your initial query.

[aadil77]

My understanding is that in regards to marriage, one is not allowed to ask the other about their past - marriage is supposed to be a new start, a new life for the couple. The replies in this thread (which are mostly from women surprise, surprise), are based on their own personal feelings and not from Quran and sunnah. How does it feel sitting on your high horses, kicking a guy when he is down? Especially since he is (apparently) repenting for the sin he committed.

Your understanding is wrong. There are two scholarly opinions on this subject based upon the following Qur'an verse:

The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator or a polytheist, and that has been made unlawful to the believers. 24:3

Some scholars say that the fornicator should tell the spouse-to-be that he is unchaste in order to prevent future problems in the marriage if he has any decency in him. For all we know the guy could go and marry a woman with a 'newstart', deceive her into thinking he was a good chaste boy, a couple years down the line the woman he slept with may decide to come a ruin his life, this does happen only for the marriage to fall apart, you can read a few cases on this forum.
[QUOTE]

This life is a test, and a temporary one at that. These two have failed a test and have committed zina. Similarly us lot who are looking in from the outside are being tested on how we react to such news. You're all feeling sorry for the wife-to-be, have I missed something? Do you all suddenly possess the power to see the future? This guy may turn out to be the best possibly husband for this woman, who are you to deny that? Allah knows best, not you. Also just because she wears a piece of cloth over her head doesn't make her Religious. And if it turns out that she is pious then she would know about Isthikaar (oh and by the way, what is Isthikaar, ah yes, asking Allah for guidance).

Yeh and if by some chance the woman finds out his past and her life becomes ruined are you going to come running to save their marriage? She has to live with a man who slept with other women for the rest of her life.

The act of zina is haraam, it is a great sin no doubt. The act of repentance however is a greater good and Allah loves those who repent - this isn't an excuse to sin but rather one who sins then repents is doing so due to fear of Allah. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying what the guy should or shouldn't do, he should seek someone knowledgable in Islam to answer that, someone who can guide him using examples from the Quran and sunnah, not some personal feelings from angry elitist women (and for some reason, guys) on an internet forum.

Zina is no ordinary sin like taking drugs etc, this is the one of the few sins that cause permanent damage - losing your chastity. Repenting or not he can never gain his chastity back.

[Ali Mujahidin]

:sl:

Two wrongs, I am sad to say, does not ever make a right. So what happened with the first girl, I think everyone's agreed on this, is a wrong. Marrying this second girl, in my personal opinion, is also a wrong.

Seriously, I would not call what that first girl is doing, blackmail. If what she really wanted to do is ruin you, then she need only to wait until you are married, then threaten to tell your wife about what you did, unless you agree to whatever she demands at that time.

I think it's time to perform two rakaat salaah sunat, then ask yourself whether you are man enough to take responsibility for your own actions. Really, whatever the circumstances, you did what you did with the first girl, fully conscious and therefore you are fully conscionable for what you have done.

Let's not confuse the issue by saying you do not love the first girl. The fact of the matter is, you do not even know this second girl so let's not pretend that you can love her more than the first girl or even love her at all.

btw, as far as I have found out, love is not a requisite for a Muslim marriage.

Whether or not you and the first girl will make a good marriage is all up to your own efforts and Allah's will. WaLLahu aklam.

[ghost]

There are two scholarly opinions on this subject based upon the following Qur'an verse:

The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator or a polytheist, and that has been made unlawful to the believers. 24:3

Some scholars say that the fornicator should tell the spouse-to-be that he is unchaste in order to prevent future problems in the marriage if he has any decency in him. For all we know the guy could go and marry a woman with a 'newstart', deceive her into thinking he was a good chaste boy, a couple years down the line the woman he slept with may decide to come a ruin his life, this does happen only for the marriage to fall apart, you can read a few cases on this forum.


Yeh and if by some chance the woman finds out his past and her life becomes ruined are you going to come running to save their marriage? She has to live with a man who slept with other women for the rest of her life. Use your brain fella


Zina is no ordinary sin like taking drugs etc, this is the one of the few sins that cause permanent damage - losing your chastity. Repenting or not he can never gain his chastity back.

The adulterer shall not marry save an adulteress or an idolatress, and the adulteress none shall marry save an adulterer or an idolater. All that is forbidden unto believers. (Pickthal)

The adulterer marries not but an adulteress or a Mushrikah and the adulteress none marries her except an adulterer or a Muskrik [and that means that the man who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan or idolatress) or a prostitute, then surely he is either an adulterer, or a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater) And the woman who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater) or an adulterer, then she is either a prostitute or a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan, or idolatress)]. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers (of Islâmic Monotheism). (Dr Mohsin)

The adulterer weddeth not but an adulteress or an associatoress: and the adulteress! --none weddeth her save an adulterer or an associator; and that is forbidden unto the believers. (Abdul Daryabadi)

These three translations mention nothing about fornication, but rather only about adulterers and polytheists.

He came to you for advice, you are supposed to give your answers in accordance with Quran and sunnah, not of your own opinions. That is the only thing I told you lot regarding what to do.

Your scenario posted is very specific, you paint the guy in the scenario as someone who fornicated and then deceived his wife-to-be into marrying him. You've worsened the sins of the theoretical guy just to try to make him seem more evil so that you can attempt to justify your point. Nice try. Also you sort of prove my point on women by saying that the (original) theoretical-woman might come back to ruin the marriage. A theoretical woman no less, not even a real one.

Drugs also cause permanent damage, thought I'd let you know.

[May Ayob]

Well brother i think , you should ask yourself many questions, um if you were a girl that lives in the uk and you had a relationship with a guy like of which yourself, i'm thinking from her point of view, that she really trusted you and deeply beleived that you will marry i'm even thinking that she only gave you her chastity because she thought it would be a bigger motivation to marry her, you have to care about her feelings as well she is also a human being i know you think she is blackmailing you but belive me it isn't easy for a girl to give her chastity to a man , if she commits suicide you will be responsible for that, and i know it is hard but you have to be sincere it isn't that matter of the other girl deserving you or not , God has blessed us with many things we don't deserve whether we are pious or not and no matter how much we say thankyou God it will never fullfil it , so please think carefully about your actions and think about the children you will have how will they feel if they knew that their own father has done this and never even thought about looking back at his actions, as far as i am concerned no offence but how will you expect her to trust while you are saying that you have no respect , or love for a humanbeing you have slept with sleeping with someone isn't and easy you only do it with someone special to your heart , i am not trying to judge you or hurt you but everyone has a good and bad side into them , so think about the good things about the former girl that made you in first place want to have a relationship with her, after all if she has repented i am sure that she deeply loves you and it is heartbreaking to know that you are very confident enough to leave her this way, i'm sure that if you forgave her , she will apreciate it and will be a very devoted wife.


i'm sorry Bros and Sis in the thread but honestly i think it was a bit cruel to critisice him in such a harsh manner, you never know may be one day may God forbid that you fall into the same sin and won't find someone to help you out, we should be very carefull about how we handle the problems of other people, not that i'm saying i'm innocent but i just thought that was cruel i wouldnt like it if someone did this to me , i'd be like what's the point anyways, we are supposed to help each other not scoff at each other for falling into mistakes we all do mistakes no one is perfect maybe there is some sin you might see as great right now , but you might fall into that mistake in the future...Surely Gos is All'Forgiving , All-Merciful


Salaam i hope i helped.

[IslamicRevival]

Ive just skimmed through the comments and some of the replies have been judgmental and way too harsh, Honestly some of you need to re read your posts before submitting them :/

Brother Milad10, You've made a mistake and you've repented..Its now between you and Allah Azzawajal and its not for me to comment.
Move on with life and do what your heart tells you

May Allah Azzawajal forgive us all
Ameen

[aadil77]

These three translations mention nothing about fornication, but rather only about adulterers and polytheists.

Here you go:

Sahih International
The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator or a polytheist, and that has been made unlawful to the believers.
Yusuf Ali
Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry and but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.

The arabic word for adulterer and fornicator is the same word = zani

And who is abdul daryabadi, try using trusted translations

He came to you for advice, you are supposed to give your answers in accordance with Quran and sunnah, not of your own opinions. That is the only thing I told you lot regarding what to do, maybe if you read my post you would actually see this.

Where is your Qur'an and Sunnah, I gave mine

Your scenario posted is very specific, you paint the guy in the scenario as someone who fornicated and then deceived his wife-to-be into marrying him. You've worsened the sins of the theoretical guy just to try to make him seem more evil so that you can attempt to justify your point. Nice try. Also you sort of prove my point on women by saying that the (original) theoretical-woman might come back to ruin the marriage. A theoretical woman no less, not even a real one.

His family arranged the marriage, its typical of families to make their children look like good boys and girls, when in many cases they're not - this is called deception. What is exactly is your point on women?

Drugs also cause permanent damage, thought I'd let you know.

What part of 'this is the one of the few sins that cause permanent damage' do you not understand ? Better luck next time

[Ghazalah]

My understanding is that in regards to marriage, one is not allowed to ask the other about their past - marriage is supposed to be a new start, a new life for the couple. The replies in this thread are based on their own personal feelings and not from Quran and sunnah.

If the guy has repented then it is for Allah, and Allah alone to judge him, not you lot. Similarly if the woman in question has repented then it is for Allah to judge her and Allah alone. The very fact that you all are judging him and telling him what to do proves that you lot think best. Marriage is a blessing and if Allah Wills that a man who has committed zina 1000 times is to marry the most pious woman on the planet then so be it.

Thirdly, the woman in this scenario is not innocent. Just because the guy may appear to be more in wrong does not exonerate the woman from sin. It takes two to commit zina and she was a willing participant. It speaks to her character that she is willing to destroy the guy's relationship with his family in order to get what she wants. Sure he should take some responsibility for his actions but so should she! They both need to accept what they've done is wrong and repent to Allah - and that is what they both have (apparently) done. Don't you see that this is the most important thing?

This life is a test, and a temporary one at that. These two have failed a test and have committed zina. Similarly us lot who are looking in from the outside are being tested on how we react to such news. You're all feeling sorry for the wife-to-be, have I missed something? Do you all suddenly possess the power to see the future? This guy may turn out to be the best possibly husband for this woman, who are you to deny that? Allah knows best, not you. Also just because she wears a piece of cloth over her head doesn't make her Miss Religious. And if it turns out that she is pious then she would know about Isthikaar (oh and by the way, what is Isthikaar, ah yes, asking Allah for guidance).

The act of zina is haraam, it is a great sin no doubt. The act of repentance however is a greater good and Allah loves those who repent - this isn't an excuse to sin but rather one who sins then repents is doing so due to fear of Allah. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying what the guy should or shouldn't do, he should seek someone knowledgable in Islam to answer that, someone who can guide him using examples from the Quran and sunnah, not some personal feelings from angry elitist women (and for some reason, guys) on an internet forum.

My Islamic advice to you - guy - is to perform Isthikaar and to tell your wife-to-be to do the same. Seek a Sheikh or a Scholar in Islam regarding your initial query.

What a sick twisted post.

He asked for our advice we gave it. Your understanding of marriage is clearly WRONG! Not to mention women. You seriously need to educate yourself on having some respect for women, I think you'll find that in the Sunnah. :)

[جوري]

What a sick twisted post. He asked for our advice we gave it. Your understanding of marriage is clearly WRONG! Not to mention women. You seriously need to educate yourself on having some respect for women, I think you'll find that in the Sunnah.

And the Quran.. to hate women means one hates ones mother.. I am not sure a person can attain paradise or God's pleasure harboring those kind of feelings..

:w:

[Alpha Dude]

The very fact that you all are judging him and telling him what to do proves that you lot think best.

Not really. You should have husn al dhaan (a good opinion). Just because they are telling him what to do, as you say, doesn't mean they think they know best. It's just an advice that's being given and doesn't necessarily mean they are judging him. You gave him an advice yourself and you judged the people who posted in this thread as being judgemental people. Should we conclude from your action that you think you know best?

Thirdly, the woman in this scenario is not innocent. Just because the guy may appear to be more in wrong does not exonerate the woman from sin. It takes two to commit zina and she was a willing participant.

Nobody believes she is innocent.

Sure he should take some responsibility for his actions but so should she!

The girl said she wants to make halal the haram that they have done. So that is her taking responsibility. Which leaves the guy.

They both need to accept what they've done is wrong and repent to Allah - and that is what they both have (apparently) done. Don't you see that this is the most important thing?

Of course that's important. However, there are repercussions to our actions that need to be corrected too.

Take this really rough analogy:

Say two people steal something together and they later repent for it. Now, their repentance doesn't change the fact that something that belongs to an innocent third party has gone missing. The only way to make it right is to give it back (despite how difficult it might be to do).

To apply this to our case, we can correctly assume that the 'right to have a chaste partner' was stolen from any potential future partners of both the OP and the girl he fornicated with.

They can repent, but what's stolen remains stolen. Also, unlike with the example of theft, this is an intangible thing that cannot simply be given back.

So what remains the best option in order to minimise the repercussions of their wrong doing? Allah knows best, but what comes to mind as a solution is that they can marry each other. At least this way, innocent people are not paying the consequences of the wrong doings of other people.

It's a simple and logical way of taking responsibility and just because people advise him to do this, does not mean they are judging him and condemning him or casting doubt on his repentance.

Ask any muslim this following question: Would you, as a person who kept chaste, feel betrayed if you found out you got married to someone with a past? and you'll find that the answer would be yes. Doesn't matter if the person has repented (and not even casting doubt on the repentance), they'd still find it hard to swallow. It's just a natural reaction.

I'm pretty sure the OP himself would not like it if his wife-to-be was herself unchaste. Which is why it is advised for him to marry the first girl (despite how difficult it might be for him to do), so as to avoid unsuspecting people being punished in this way unnecessarily.

That's just my opinion and Allah knows best.

As for the advice given on him telling the wife-to-be what he did, I don't agree with that myself.

[Salahudeen]

Some of us may come across harsh, but the reason is, we apply the situation to our own personal lifes and thats why we become harsh.

Imagine your blood sister has just lost her virginity to a guy who was fooling around with her and then ran off and just used your sister for a bit of fun. Are you still gonna be all sweet with this guy after what he done to your sister? Imagine the girl was your daughter, and some guy had done this with her, are you gonna be all sweet with him and go "awww its ok these things happen run along now everythings fine, you ruined my daughters innocence but thats ok :)"

The point I'm trying to make is that, when it's some1 elses daughter it's easy to say we shouldn't be harsh, but when it happens to our own daughter and sister we're the first ones to wanna kill the guy. I think we should have this same feeling for all of our sisters in Islam, not just the one's in our house.

Perhaps this guy is talking about one of your female relatives and you don't even know this has happened to her, allah hu alam it's a small world, are you still gonna be all sweet with him and go, "hey don't worry about what you done to my relative, you run off now and go live a happy life"

I think you should imagine the girl he is talking about is your blood sister, this will help you to gain the perspective of those of us who are harsh.

[Ali Mujahidin]

I think you should imagine the girl he is talking about is your blood sister, this will help you to gain the perspective of those of us who are harsh.

:sl:

Well put, brother Salahudeen. That puts the whole issue in the right perspective. I beg Allah to give the OP the spiritual strength to view the entire case in this perspective, too. Let the OP ask himself what he would have done if the first girl had been his blood sister violated by some other person. Ameen.

[Cabdullahi]

you will understand these harsh replies only when you understand that unfaithfulness and trickery is something that nobody wants to experience....especially not delicate beings...our sisters

[Getoffmyback]

I think that your problem will only be solved if you tell your parents cos i'm sure beyond all doubts that they are the cause of your narcissism . I'm sure they will understand and will help you in this situation cos your mentality is not reliable and too complicated to deal with it by yourself. Let the grown ups deal with it.

[Rhubarb Tart]

i'm sorry but i don't see why exactly people are saying you are a good person for having repented and actually giving you advice on how to "get away" especially blackmailing her in return, i mean wow you people are just outrageous. what you did was a horrible thing, you took her virginity, if you were so eager to engage in zina, why didn't you pick someone who you knew was a known zaaniyah and do it with her? you had to pick a poor innocent girl and fool her into being a relationship with you and take advantage of her trust? yes, what she did was stupid, but if you had not been there to do it, she would not have done it either. everyone makes mistakes, you did too, so how can you judge her as being immoral and have no respect for her when YOU yourself did the same thing? in fact she is much better than you because at least she wants to fix this and get married now. what is she supposed to do, go marry someone else? and how easy it is for you to say now "oh i have no respect for her and what i did" well grow up and be a man, own up to the responsibilities of your actions. she is doing well by telling your parents and if you have an ounce of shame you yourself would have said i'm really sorry for what i did to you, i want to marry you and make this halal. you make it sound like you are so innocent and she is a bad girl and you have no respect for her, you were her first partner and i'm sure you were just as much to blame in this, so therefore you become the person who spoilt her innocence, so now don't just walk away like it's so easy to do that. it's a huge freaking deal what you did, it's not as easy as you repenting and just getting away. can you return her virginity and her innocence to her? NO. so marry her now. tell your parents you would like to marry her before she reveals it to your family that you have committed this sin. if she has repented, she is clear of sins inshaAllah, and this is not blackmail, it's her being reasonable and treating you how you should be treated. i do feel sorry for her though, because now she will have to marry a complete idiot like you. just wow. what a coward. have some shame.

:sl:

I agree with you!

[CosmicPathos]

Some of us may come across harsh, but the reason is, we apply the situation to our own personal lifes and thats why we become harsh.

Imagine your blood sister has just lost her virginity to a guy who was fooling around with her and then ran off and just used your sister for a bit of fun. Are you still gonna be all sweet with this guy after what he done to your sister? Imagine the girl was your daughter, and some guy had done this with her, are you gonna be all sweet with him and go "awww its ok these things happen run along now everythings fine, you ruined my daughters innocence but thats ok :)"

The point I'm trying to make is that, when it's some1 elses daughter it's easy to say we shouldn't be harsh, but when it happens to our own daughter and sister we're the first ones to wanna kill the guy. I think we should have this same feeling for all of our sisters in Islam, not just the one's in our house.

Perhaps this guy is talking about one of your female relatives and you don't even know this has happened to her, allah hu alam it's a small world, are you still gonna be all sweet with him and go, "hey don't worry about what you done to my relative, you run off now and go live a happy life"

I think you should imagine the girl he is talking about is your blood sister, this will help you to gain the perspective of those of us who are harsh.

we cant use this analogy. If it was your blood sister, you would be as angry at her as at him. Blood sister equally gave consent of fornication. So its not like she was stolen of her "innocence" by some Joe. Both are culprits equally.

Just wanted to clarify that as that might lead to emotional thinking of just blaming the male fornicator and not the female.

[Ali Mujahidin]

Just wanted to clarify that as that might lead to emotional thinking of just blaming the male fornicator and not the female.

:sl:

Personally, I do not think that we are just blaming the male partner and leaving out the female. It so happens that it is the male who is the OP. And he asked for advice. He didn't say that he only wanted advice that sounded sweet to his ears. So he got an earful alright.

btw what happened in the end? Perhaps the OP can update us on the latest developments.

[ProudMuslimSis]

Well said "in-the-shadows." You covered it all.
She feels used and tossed aside. Marrying her is the best possible option.

[kingkong]

I'd like to ask the question to this man, what if he's marrying a virgin now? Does that virgin wife deserve a used man like him?

Marry the girl you had sex outside marriage with, you both are on the same level and in my opinion, you deserve each other.

[Riana17]

Salam everyone

I am new here, sorry for the delay but I feel I should tell my opinion. I think this is very important.

I do not think that the girl is bad one when Mr "milad10" is her first man, am I right?

I think Mr Milad10 is mostly responsible for this, I understand you are confuse and you didnt plan to marry anyone. But things happened already and I must say that, her position and feelings etc is worst than yours.

Maybe it sound that she is forcing or blackmailing you. but to me it is completely normal reaction.she is trying to find solution and you must not leave her like that

inshallah things will calm down and you two can discuss this without heated argument.

I didnt read the other's comment+replies, and so if I am missing anything, my advance apology.
May you see the light Mr Milad coz your reaction as well is completely normal but dont run away, BE A MAN