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Salahudeen
06-12-2011, 07:39 PM
So I had a proposal from a West Indian sister, I enquired if she knew how to cook Indian food as it's all I practically eat and would like a wife who cooks this type of food, she said she can't cook it and doesn't want to learn as she'd like her and her husband to eat food that she was brought up eating because that's what she's used to.

So we agreed it wouldn't work out cos we have different preferences. She also expected me to learn her language to communicate with her mother and father and I wasn't up to doing that.

What do you guys think? would we have been compatible? I can imagine myself getting frustrated at the lack of Indian food and learning a language I have no desire to learn.
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nature
06-12-2011, 08:21 PM
:sl:


maybe her negative response to the cooking, was cos you gave the impression your looking for a cook instead of a wife ?? I dont know wat nationality you are but usually in pakistani/indian cultures the first thing they ask the girl is "can she cook " like thats the only thing that matters. Sometimes it just gets taken the wrong way by the girl. make sense ??

Can you cook what you like ? Cooking shouldnt really be a barrier to a marriage, and if one cant, then usually they can teach the other. theres got to be a bit of give and take.

I dont think it was meant to be, usually little things like this can be worked out, but if you were both unwilling to make compromise then its prob for the best. the language thing would have been easy over time, but sorry if this sounds harsh, its not meant to but it sounds like you both werent prepared to put any effort in ? maybe im wrong ?

:wa:
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Salahudeen
06-12-2011, 08:30 PM
Originally Posted by nature
:sl:


maybe her negative response to the cooking, was cos you gave the impression your looking for a cook instead of a wife ?? I dont know wat nationality you are but usually in pakistani/indian cultures the first thing they ask the girl is "can she cook " like thats the only thing that matters. Sometimes it just gets taken the wrong way by the girl. make sense ??

Can you cook what you like ? Cooking shouldnt really be a barrier to a marriage, and if one cant, then usually they can teach the other. theres got to be a bit of give and take.

I dont think it was meant to be, usually little things like this can be worked out, but if you were both unwilling to make compromise then its prob for the best. the language thing would have been easy over time, but sorry if this sounds harsh, its not meant to but it sounds like you both werent prepared to put any effort in ? maybe im wrong ?

:wa:
I don't think it was that, because we exchanged other views before the issue of cooking came up. I mentioned since I'll be working all day It'd be nice if my wife handled the cooking side of things, it wasn't the first thing I asked about so I don't see how she could have got that impression but I understand what you're saying.

Unfortunately I can't cook what I like, and I doubt I'd get the time since I'd be working all day, if I was at home all day I could probably do it.

I think that's the issue we both had different preferences and didn't want to compromise on them. It's not effort, I'm just fussy, I can't live without my curries and roti. :) Also she had a problem living with mother in law.
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May Ayob
06-12-2011, 08:50 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
So I had a proposal from a West Indian sister, I enquired if she knew how to cook Indian food as it's all I practically eat and would like a wife who cooks this type of food, she said she can't cook it and doesn't want to learn as she'd like her and her husband to eat food that she was brought up eating because that's what she's used to. So we agreed it wouldn't work out cos we have different preferences. She also expected me to learn her language to communicate with her mother and father and I wasn't up to doing that. What do you guys think? would we have been compatible? I can imagine myself getting frustrated at the lack of Indian food and learning a language I have no desire to learn.
Salaam Bro , i know you might not listen to what i will say due to the other thread, but i would still like to give you my opinion
I didnt know that compatability counted on Food?? that's quite funny you rejected a human being because she doesn't know how to cook the food you like?
Well did you even consider her character?
Sorry i don't want to bug into your personal world , but i thought i would like to share my thoughts
Salaam
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May Ayob
06-12-2011, 08:52 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
I can't live without my curries and roti.
Salaam again
Are you sure about that you seem to be living without them alright.
Salaam
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Salahudeen
06-12-2011, 08:53 PM
Originally Posted by May Ayob
Salaam Bro , i know you might not listen to what i will say due to the other thread, but i would still like to give you my opinion
I didnt know that compatability counted on Food?? that's quite funny you rejected a human being because she doesn't know how to cook the food you like?
Well did you even consider her character?
Sorry i don't want to bug into your personal world , but i thought i would like to share my thoughts
Salaam
Well sis I thought to myself why shall I compromise when I can quite easily find a woman who has these things that I like. Her character was good but I can also find another woman with good character who can meet my preferences. It's not as if she is the only person in the world that I have to limit myself.
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Salahudeen
06-12-2011, 08:54 PM
Originally Posted by May Ayob
Salaam again
Are you sure about that you seem to be living without them alright.
Salaam
What do you mean sis? lol I'm eating them every day.
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May Ayob
06-12-2011, 08:55 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
Well sis I thought to myself why shall I compromise when I can quite easily find a woman who has these things that I like. Her character was good but I can also find another woman with good character who can meet my preferences. It's not as if she is the only person in the world that I have to limit myself
Salaam
Well i hope you find a good that meets your preferneces
Salaam
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Salahudeen
06-12-2011, 08:57 PM
Originally Posted by May Ayob
Salaam
Well i hope you find a good that meets your preferneces
Salaam
waslaam inshaAllah sis,
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nature
06-12-2011, 09:03 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
I don't think it was that, because we exchanged other views before the issue of cooking came up. I mentioned since I'll be working all day It'd be nice if my wife handled the cooking side of things, it wasn't the first thing I asked about so I don't see how she could have got that impression but I understand what you're saying.

Unfortunately I can't cook what I like, and I doubt I'd get the time since I'd be working all day, if I was at home all day I could probably do it.

I think that's the issue we both had different preferences and didn't want to compromise on them. It's not effort, I'm just fussy, I can't live without my curries and roti. :) Also she had a problem living with mother in law.
It sounds like it was for the best then. As long as you didnt just give her up just cos of food. Good proposals are hard to come by these days, food is always an area that can be worked on, i know how important it is 2 you blokes, but theres always beans and toast, till the missus learns how to make your favourite. btw i work all day also and i still have time to cook, + i learnt years back wen i had school and mosque and then home chores, so it is possible with a job. Roti & curries is easy, seriously.

As a general note, im not getting at you btw, but most women dont wana be stuck in the kitchen, & do all that sort of stuff themselves, altho i can see what your saying if shes at home all day, but its nice if the guy helps out too on occassions.

If she wasnt happy with the living arrangments, then i reckon it was for the best.
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Perseveranze
06-12-2011, 09:16 PM
Lol man, the first thing I would be asking is about her Deen/Islam etc. Cooking is the last thing i'd be worried about.
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Salahudeen
06-12-2011, 09:18 PM
Originally Posted by Perseveranze
Lol man, the first thing I would be asking is about her Deen/Islam etc. Cooking is the last thing i'd be worried about.
That was the first thing bro, I don't know why you assume it wasn't. However as the conversation progressed we spoke about other stuff.
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Alpha Dude
06-12-2011, 09:41 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
would we have been compatible?
You know yourself and the sister better than anybody here. We can only guess, whilst you'd be able to come up with a better answer yourself. :)

Originally Posted by nature
theres got to be a bit of give and take.
What sister nature said should be kept in mind though.
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
06-12-2011, 09:44 PM
Assalaamu Alaaykum

You mentioned you like indian food, and that the sister is west 'indian', so like doesnt that mean she also eats indian food? or maybe im just confused.

I mean if she is good in her deen then that should be priority shouldnt it? also there is a hadeeth in regards to those married couples, where one may dislike something of their spouse and the rest i dont remember as i cant remember the references..but doesnt mean they should give up on marriage.. so we should over look this little thing and remind each other of the importance of taqwa..

so like if you do get married, and then you find out stuff you dont like about each other, im sure that does happen with everyone?! Im not sure its worth giving up on marriage either..though i may be wrong, unless its an issue that is a valid reason

I agree with sis nature, its hard recieving good proposals these days..

Allaah knows best
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Salahudeen
06-12-2011, 09:48 PM
Originally Posted by Pєαяℓ σf Wιѕ∂σм
Assalaamu Alaaykum

You mentioned you like indian food, and that the sister is west 'indian', so like doesnt that mean she also eats indian food? or maybe im just confused.

I mean if she is good in her deen then that should be priority shouldnt it? also there is a hadeeth in regards to those married couples, where one may dislike something of their spouse and the rest i dont remember as i cant remember the references..but doesnt mean they should give up on marriage.. so we should over look this little thing and remind each other of the important of taqwa..

so like if you do get married, and then you find out stuff you dont like about each other, im sure that does happen with everyone?! Im not sure its worth giving up on marriage either.. though i may be wrong

I agree with sis nature, its hard recieving good proposals these days..

Allaah knows best
I agree she is good in her deen however I could easily find another sister who is good in her deen and has the traits that I as an individual like in a person, could I not? Is it wrong or haraam for me to want other additional stuff apart from good deen and taqwa?
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
06-12-2011, 09:58 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
I agree she is good in her deen however I could easily find another sister who is good in her deen and has the traits that I as an individual like in a person, could I not? Is it wrong for me to want other additional stuff apart from good deen and taqwa?
Assalaamu Alaaykum

No its not wrong..its your decision to what you choose. so if a sister who has deen but does not have the traits you like, then you do not have to accept her..at the end its your choice

But it seems you know the answer to your question

khaayr insha'Allaah
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Reflections
06-12-2011, 09:59 PM
It's sometimes hard to adapt to another persons culture. I personally would prefer staying within my own culture because it would just seem easier for me and for him..obviously deen comes first and foremost. I just believe there has to be that 'click' between two people when it comes to marriage..other things could be compromised..if you just don't feel that this sister wasn't the right one for you then don't worry..inshaAllah ...Allah will grant you both something better...

Reminds me of this quote :

"Go easy on yourself for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah's decree, if something is meant to go elsewhere it will never come your way, but if it your by destiny from you it cannot flee" (Umar ra)
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Flame of Hope
06-13-2011, 04:39 AM
:sl:

Originally Posted by Salahudeen
I agree she is good in her deen however I could easily find another sister who is good in her deen and has the traits that I as an individual like in a person, could I not? Is it wrong or haraam for me to want other additional stuff apart from good deen and taqwa?
But brother Salahudeen.........

How easy is it to find a pious girl?

If you were to really find one...... the one who is:

1. Not proud....

2. Modest...

3. Thinks of the needs of others before her own... i.e. selfless

4. Minds her speech.... stays away from gossip and idle talk....

5. Has good manners..... respects all people....

6. Not demanding......

7. Not extravagant....

8. Not materialistic.....

9. Not miserly..... but generous....

10. kind....

11. always smiling.....

12. not into complaining but is satisfied with her lot......

13. obedient......

14. not afraid of hard work..... not lazy.....

15. aware of her responsibilities as a wife.....

If you were to find a jewel of a girl like this, I'm sure you wouldn't even care if she couldn't cook. Because such a girl would learn how to cook if it makes you happy. :)

Of course! Of course! Of course! You should select a girl who is pious..... but that's kind of hard... because piety is in the heart, not in appearances.
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Who Am I?
06-13-2011, 04:55 AM
Dude, don't worry about it. There's nothing wrong with wanting a girl that speaks your language, can cook food you like, etc. You already said that the first thing you discussed was her faith. That should be the most important thing, I agree, but after that, you can move on to the more trivial things. You don't want to be stuck with someone you don't like just to be married, do you? You want to be happy and she wants to be happy. There's nothing wrong with finding out about her family either. After all, when you marry a woman, you marry her family too.

Of course, this is from the brother who is likely to remain single for a long time, perhaps even forever, so take that for what it's worth.
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tigerkhan
06-13-2011, 05:36 AM
i am sorry if it hurts someone but my personal opinion is, the reason y there is so much difficult to find a good match is "absence of islam/ahlaaq" inside ourselves. (i am included in that). all we dont have a soft corner for other. we wish our spouse should be perfect but we never try to improve ourselves. we don't compromise for others shortcoming but we wish ppl should compromise for ours. we had made this responsibility a business.
i remember of that Suhabia RA here who agreed to marry a black person just bcz prophet PBUH had sent him. she was so cute and she intend to sacrifice her feeling just bcz of sake of happiness of Prophet PBUH. now a days we dont compromise to a small thing for the sake of allah swt...such a weak eman we have... and i am not saying only of brothers, girls are also included. no1 compromise for other. our desires had lead us to a extreme selfishness....
bro i suggest u dont fall in this idealism. but ur intention should be u should accept her with all good and bads just for the sake of allah swt. obviously choose the best that match u, but i mean even after marriage never expect she should be 100%. eg u wish she should cook best and u find such, but maybe the one good in cooking had some other habit which u dont like. what would u do then, would u divorce. plz make ur intention more correct that u should marry just for sake of allah swt to mutual improvement while helping each other.
allah swt help u in this matter, my prayers are with u insh.
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Souljette
06-13-2011, 05:49 AM
Asalamualaykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatahu,

I believe your decision is already made. Deen is important but in practicality even small things matter a lot, those things can be fixed if two parties consider trying but if two parties don't then it's better not to marry each ohter. I myself don't care about marrying someone different from my nationality as long as deen is intact and the other person is willing to try because as Sister Flame has mentioned it is hard to find someone following the proper deen nowadays subhanallah following Quran and Sunnah with heart, my family would say many things against this if they could but my issue is if both parties marry each other for the deen as love for the sake of Allah(S.W.T) it is the best love but there has to be the effort and open mind ..inshallah you will find the one made for you and the sister u met earlier just wasn't meant for you maybe
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Riana17
06-13-2011, 06:48 AM
Brother Salahudeen

Food must not be an issue but the manners, that must not stop you from pursuing her
Well You see I must defend myself here lol, I am not terrible in cooking but I am lazy in cooking, kitchen is not my forte or maybe i choose not to go to kitchen,

My Arab husband loves an Asian like me, he have alot of choices to have beautiful WIFE, they are everywhere, HE is young, educated and good looks, but he marry me...., for my character (according to him lool)

so to cut this story, he eats everything from Arab, Chinese, Japanese, Filipino foods ...and during our trip to Malaysia, without expectation for 2weeks we eat Indian foods.
On daily basis we eat in the restaurant but if he feel like he wants home cook (he grow up with it with his chef mom) either he will cook or we will get food from his mom (My savior) :D,,, he is so nice not to force me or oblige me for anything

Maybe you should have an open mind (in this) and pls dont say you cant live without curry & all...

Compatibility is not given situation, it is choice, it is acceptance, it is adjustment,
you might miss a good life with her just bcoz of small thing ( i blv its minor)

P.S. About Language, you can learn the basic and you must not say no to that brother, it would be nice to please wife and learn more language.
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Ansariyah
06-13-2011, 06:59 AM
Wat kind of world do u live in? Rejecting a proposal because the girl can't cook the food you like? Are you food-obsessed? Who wants a guy who's top priority in marriage is a wife who cooks his fav food.

I think u need to start living outside 'the box'. There's more to life besides ur fav food!
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Salahudeen
06-13-2011, 07:23 AM
Originally Posted by Yanoorah
Wat kind of world do u live in? Rejecting a proposal because the girl can't cook the food you like? Are you food-obsessed? Who wants a guy who's top priority in marriage is a wife who cooks his fav food.

I think u need to start living outside 'the box'. There's more to life besides ur fav food!

Wow you people obviously didn't read the whole thread before you criticize me, I don't know why you assume it was just for food lol, very quick to pass judgement my dear sister, please ask more questions regarding the situation before you criticize. Now allow me to explain, it wasn't just food, or the fact that I didn't wanna learn another language, these were 2 factors amongst many such as the fact she wanted me to move in with her family and I wanted her to move in my house and a list of other stuff if you'd like me to mention?

Please read every post before you begin criticizing me and labelling me with stuff jazakAllah khair. And I don't know why you assume food is my top priority? my top priority was deen and charachter however I also have other traits that I like in a potential partner, is it wrong to desire other characteristics in a partner apart from deen and character? What is it with people here, they acting like deen and character is all that can exist in a person, sure it's most important thing but what's wrong with desiring other traits in a person also?

I'm sure you desire other things in your partner apart from deen and character right? maybe you'd like him to be funny? confident? talkative? quiet? shy? humble? has similar interest as you? enjoys doing the things you do?

Please don't label me as "food obsessed" or living inside a box because I have preferences that are different to yours. We are all individuals after all are we not? And if I don't think a particular person is compatible with me for the smallest of reasons that's my prerogative, it may appear small and petty to you but for me it's an entirely different story, because everyone's different and we all have different requirements and needs right?

What you need and require of a marriage partner may be totally different to another person, and for you to judge his requirements as silly then it shows you're not a very understanding of the fact that people are different and we desire different things in our partners and no two people want the same thing. This is a good time for you to learn this :)

Also I would appreciate you address me in a more kinder fashion in future jazakAllah khair. There is most certainly a nice way to advise someone and a bad way to advise someone, I suggest you read the other posts in the thread so you can see the nice and productive way to advise people as opposed to jumping in and criticizing them.
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Salahudeen
06-13-2011, 07:52 AM
Originally Posted by Flame
:sl:



But brother Salahudeen.........

How easy is it to find a pious girl?

If you were to really find one...... the one who is:

1. Not proud....

2. Modest...

3. Thinks of the needs of others before her own... i.e. selfless

4. Minds her speech.... stays away from gossip and idle talk....

5. Has good manners..... respects all people....

6. Not demanding......

7. Not extravagant....

8. Not materialistic.....

9. Not miserly..... but generous....

10. kind....

11. always smiling.....

12. not into complaining but is satisfied with her lot......

13. obedient......

14. not afraid of hard work..... not lazy.....

15. aware of her responsibilities as a wife.....

If you were to find a jewel of a girl like this, I'm sure you wouldn't even care if she couldn't cook. Because such a girl would learn how to cook if it makes you happy. :)

Of course! Of course! Of course! You should select a girl who is pious..... but that's kind of hard... because piety is in the heart, not in appearances.
^That is perfection you have just listed sister flame and it doesn't entirely exist in 1 person, there will all ways be traits in our partner that we don't like, however somethings we can deal with and compromise on, other things we can't, you see it all depends on the person involved and what he can deal with. For example I may not compromise on certain traits that I want in a partner but I can compromise on other traits that are not a big deal to me, however the traits I compromise on might be a big deal to another person.

For example, I don't mind if a girl is talkative or quiet, confident, funny, what kind of family she comes from, I'm quite happy to compromise on these things, however for another person these traits may be essential for his desired partner to have. And another person may be willing to compromise on traits that I desire in a potential spouse. Do you see my point? we all have different things that we can compromise with not everyone is the same.

What we as individuals can compromise varies from person to person, what I may be able to compromise on, another person may not be able to. For example another person may think its essential that his potential spouse has a good sense of humour however this is something I can quite easily compromise on because it's not something I require in a spouse however for him it may be vital that he finds this trait in his spouse, who am I to judge what he needs in a spouse to make his marriage successful? Surely only he is capable of deciding that, and any criticism on my behalf would be very inappropriate.

So in essense everyone has different requirements and things they are able to compromise on, it's not a big deal to me how good looking she is, what family she comes from, whether she's funny or not, whether she's talkative or quiet, these are all traits I don't require of a wife and I'm quite happy to compromise on these things, however for another man these may be essential traits that he needs, and for me to belittle them as silly would be very foolish on my part, because I'd be placing my own expections of a marriage partner on him. When quite clearly he's a different person to me.

I hope with that everyone has a better understanding of people, and refrain from passing judgement on a person for desiring certain traits. It may be that the traits you desire in a person, other people deem to be non essential in a partner, however for you they are. And that is the crux of the issue.

What you as an individual need in your partner to make your marriage successful. Not what other people deem as a good match, because lets face it, they are going to want something completely different to you.
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Ansariyah
06-13-2011, 08:06 AM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
Wow you people obviously didn't read the whole thread before you criticize me, it wasn't just food, or the fact that I didn't wanna learn another language, these were 2 factors amongst many such as the fact she wanted me to move in with her family and I wanted her to move in my house.
You've been going on and on about the 'I can't live without my indian food' song far too long. This thread is not the first I heard u talking about it. I have no interest to quote you, but its out there for all to see that. You clearly said that you would not consider marrying a girl who can't cook your fav meal. Yeah that does make me wonder if you are food obsessed. If you are not, pls explain why you keep going on n on about it.


Please read every post before you begin criticizing me and labelling me with stuff jazakAllah khair. And I don't know why you assume that's my top priority? my top priority was deen and charachter however I also have other traits that I like in a potential partner, is it wrong to desire other characteristics in a partner apart from deen and character?
I didn't mean to label you but you were starting to come across like a shallow person. You can desire all u want, but the thing you speak of the most is food. Wat kind of person worries about that?
I'm sure you desire other things in your partner apart from deen and character right? maybe you'd like him to be funny? confident? talkative? quiet? shy? humble? has similar interest as you? enjoys doing the things you do?
Yeah, I got my preferences but I would be worried if they were anything like yours.

Please don't label me as "food obsessed" or living inside a box because I have preferences that are different to yours.
Well that's how you came across to me & Believe me you tried pretty hard to put out that kind of impression of yourself. So If you don't like how you come across, change it.


We are all individuals after all are we not? And if I don't think a particular person is compatible with me for the smallest of reasons that's my prerogative, it may appear small and petty to you but for me it's an entirely different story, because everyone's different and we have different requirements right?
Everyone is not gonna have ur opinion, sometimes people have a different opinion.

Also I would appreciate you address me in a more kinder fashion in future jazakAllah khair.

Wayakum
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Salahudeen
06-13-2011, 08:24 AM
You've been going on and on about the 'I can't live without my indian food' song far too long. This thread is not the first I heard u talking about it. I have no interest to quote you, but its out there for all to see that. You clearly said that you would not consider marrying a girl who can't cook your fav meal. Yeah that does make me wonder if you are food obsessed. If you are not, pls explain why you keep going on n on about it.
If you're talking about the other thread, than that was an example of a preference that an individual has that not everyone can meet. It was only meant to be an example of areas that exist where people are incompatible. And I guess this thread is also a demonstration that individuals have different preferences and we can't expect everyone to have the same preferences as us.




I didn't mean to label you but you were starting to come across like a shallow person. You can desire all u want, but the thing you speak of the most is food. Wat kind of person worries about that
Shallow why? because I desire certain traits in a person? I don't care how she looks or what her weight is, am I still shallow? The bottom line is you can't judge anyones requirements as shallow because your requirements are different. It may be that I think your requirements in a spouse are shallow.


Yeah, I got my preferences but I would be worried if they were anything like yours.
Why woud you be worried? you obviously have not taken away the intended purpose of this thread, no two people will have the same preferences, If I read your preferences I'm quite sure I would be worried to at what you desire in a partner however this is what I am trying to explain to you, we are all different and have different requirements, what you require in a partner I can quite easily compromise on and it's non essential for me to have, however what I require you can compromise on and its no big deal for you. Do you see my point? For you judge my requirements as stupid and silly is very inappropriate because I can quite easily do the same with your requirements because we as people differ in what we require in people.


Well that's how you came across to me & Believe me you tried pretty hard to put out that kind of impression of yourself. So If you don't like how you come across, change it.
It's funny, I came across a certain way but not the way I intended, does that give you the right to talk in the manner you did? Should you not have clarified the situation first before you jumped in and criticized?


Everyone is not gonna have ur opinion, sometimes people have a different opinion.
Exactly!! now this is what I'm trying to tell you, everyones requirements in a spouse differ and for your to label my requirements as silly is stupid because everyone has their own requirements, to me your requirements may be silly, do you see my point?
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Riana17
06-13-2011, 08:41 AM
Salam to all

I think no one intended to hurt each other, I hope we all forgive and forget for Sake OF Allah

I have found many rude people here as well (and anywhere) but I always try to keep distance as soon as I give my reply... otherwise it will be never ending,,,,cnt expect good treatment all the time even with brothers and sisters in ISLAM :(

anyway,,, we all want to contribute to this thread and the decision is yours Brother Salahudeen, goodluck inshallah
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nature
06-13-2011, 10:49 AM
:sl:


It just wasnt meant to be and you've no need to justify yourself to anyone, i can see both sides of the coin, i however dont think the food thing should be a factor, but if there were other things, that you couldnt compromise on, then it was for the best. I agree with what sis bint-abi has sed.

From what i remember your still very young, as you get older this "living with curry" seriously wont be on your list of priorities. Its just really hard to get decent pious people these days, but other little things can always be worked on.

& please dont take this the wrong way, but I think you should scrub up on your culinary skills and maybe when the missus comes along you could teach her ? esp if shes not from your culture. Just dont rule out women from other cultures cos they cant make your food, cos there might be a woman out there, that has everything that your looking for, but is hopeless in the kitchen.

From a woman's point of view, if a bloke was more worried about his food than anything else, and asked me what dishes i could make, and expect me to make certain things or be his personal cook, i would find it offensive, & would be put off, but thats just me, & thats the usual Q's that get asked in our culture. Im not saying your like that, im just saying, thats how the line of questioning could be percieved.

Cooking is a joint thing isnt it ? not solely the womans, its easier if shes at home all day, but its nice for the bloke to do his fare share as well. What would you do if the wife was ill ?? not eat ? Its a reqirement for both parties, even if its not the done thing in certain culture. I hope this makes some of sense, & im sure allah has some1 better for you.

:wa:
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Riana17
06-13-2011, 10:52 AM
Originally Posted by nature
& please dont take this the wrong way,....cos there might be a woman out there, that has everything that your looking for, but is hopeless in the kitchen.
Yay! i likeeeee that lool

I hope you will be blessed with one Mr Salahudeen
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Souljette
06-13-2011, 11:29 AM
Asalamualaykum,
I don't think there is a need to comment any further on this post as the person who created has gotten his opinions from us and is now sure of his decision, instead of going on to arguments it should either be closed or not be commented on anymore
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Ansariyah
06-13-2011, 12:28 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
If you're talking about the other thread, than that was an example of a preference that an individual has that not everyone can meet. It was only meant to be an example of areas that exist where people are incompatible. And I guess this thread is also a demonstration that individuals have different preferences and we can't expect everyone to have the same preferences as us.
But people can still comment on 'your preferences'..it's a public forum after all.:muddlehea

Shallow why? because I desire certain traits in a person? I don't care how she looks or what her weight is, am I still shallow? The bottom line is you can't judge anyones requirements as shallow because your requirements are different. It may be that I think your requirements in a spouse are shallow.
Maybe I’m shallow too, who knows? But I guess u wont know unless I put it on the forum.

Why woud you be worried? you obviously have not taken away the intended purpose of this thread, no two people will have the same preferences, If I read your preferences I'm quite sure I would be worried to at what you desire in a partner however this is what I am trying to explain to you, we are all different and have different requirements, what you require in a partner I can quite easily compromise on and it's non essential for me to have, however what I require you can compromise on and its no big deal for you. Do you see my point? For you judge my requirements as stupid and silly is very inappropriate because I can quite easily do the same with your requirements because we as people differ in what we require in people.
I never judged your preferences as stupid. It’s just my opinion that placing such a huge emphasis on the food the wife makes is kinda too much. This is all new to me that’s why I think it’s strange. If a brotha asked me if I can make his traditional food I would reject him. I would feel offended and feel like this guy just needs a maid not a wife. Though I would be happy to cook, but some things don’t need to be said.
It's funny, I came across a certain way but not the way I intended, does that give you the right to talk in the manner you did? Should you not have clarified the situation first before you jumped in and criticized?
Well that makes two of us then, cause I didn’t mean to come across the way I did either.

Exactly!! now this is what I'm trying to tell you, everyones requirements in a spouse differ and for your to label my requirements as silly is stupid because everyone has their own requirements, to me your requirements may be silly, do you see my point?
You know wat? This obviously means a lot to you so go ahead do ur thang. Don’t let anything I said hinder you from watever rocks ur boat.

Peace.
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Who Am I?
06-13-2011, 02:48 PM
OK, now I want some Indian food after reading these last posts.

A pox upon you all! :p
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Ansariyah
06-13-2011, 03:05 PM
^I want Italian food!
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Salahudeen
06-13-2011, 03:48 PM
Originally Posted by Just a Guy
OK, now I want some Indian food after reading these last posts.

A pox upon you all! :p
I can make you keema bro but we'll have to buy the chapatti's :)
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Salahudeen
06-13-2011, 04:25 PM
Originally Posted by Yanoorah
[B]

But people can still comment on 'your preferences'..it's a public forum after all.:muddlehea
They can however there's a difference between commenting in a constructive way as many of the other posters did and out right criticizing. People will rarely change their views if you insult them and label them as shallow. Gentleness was never put in something except that it beautified it even further.

“Keep to gentleness and avoid harshness and coarseness. Gentleness is not found in anything without adorning it, and is not withdrawn from anything without shaming it."

Even I may be guilty of being harsh at times without realizing however if anyone felt I was harsh in my words I would immediately apologize. Harshness does nothing except drive people away from you.



Maybe I’m shallow too, who knows? But I guess u wont know unless I put it on the forum.
I don't think anyone is shallow, we all desire traits in people whether other people understand the fact as to why we require/want them is what leads them, to label us as shallow or not shallow.

If they understand why then they say "Yeah I can understand why you'd want that in a wife" if they don't understand they go "Man that is shallow why you want that in a wife for thats stupid" as is so typically done by people.

So I don't think shallowness exists, only ignorance, after all there is no official definition for shallowness is there? Is it shallow to want beauty in a wife? of course not, that is another thing that people commonly label as shallow when we know it's from the sunnah to want to marry a beautiful wife, Imam Ahmed said you should ask about a woman's beauty before you ask about her deen.

Yet you will still find people saying, "man that guys shallow all he cares about is looks". So please sister, do not label any person shallow, rather understand that they have reasons for their desires, you may not be able to comprehend why they have those choices but it doesn't give you or anyone the right to walk up to their face and go "haha that is so stupid what planet are you from get back to Earth" because as I have said so often, everyone is different and to apply what you expect in a partner on to other people will never work.

So we should show respect to people, let me give you another example, I know a brother who has a preference for a wife who is on the large side physically he just has a thing for big women, now I can't understand why he'd want this, but I don't ridicule and make fun of him for wanting this, I don't say to him "man your stupid for wanting this get back to earth" , this is just how he'd like his wife to be, it would make him happy to have a wife like this so I can't fault him for this. After all it's perfectly halal to have these preferences isn't it?

Sure they may sound strange and not make sense to us, but we should respect people and understand they're individuals who have different likes and needs to ourselves.


I never judged your preferences as stupid. It’s just my opinion that placing such a huge emphasis on the food the wife makes is kinda too much. This is all new to me that’s why I think it’s strange. If a brotha asked me if I can make his traditional food I would reject him. I would feel offended and feel like this guy just needs a maid not a wife. Though I would be happy to cook, but some things don’t need to be said.
If you had said it like you just said above then your post would have been much more pleasant to read and less offending, this is how you should say stuff you don't agree with mashaAllah :)

Well sis this is your opinion and I respect it but I will have to disagree because I was raised in a traditional way, where the man is the bread winner, he goes out and works and brings the money in, helps out around the house with cleaning etc and the wife handles the cooking side of things. I think such things should be clarified before marriage sister, because what if you get married and there's disagreements over who does the cooking? some men as myself expect the woman to do the cooking, it's just something I don't really see my self doing, as for other things such as cleaning washing dishes etc I have no problem with. So I think it's best to clarify these things before marriage as just the other day I heard a story of a brother and sister who got divorced because the brother expected her to clean the house and the wife said "I don't do cleaning" so the house was all ways a mess, the brother was Syrian and raised in such a way that he thought maintaining the cleaning/cooking was the wifes duty while the husband went out to work. Now his wife didn't agree with this mentality he had so they ended up getting divorced and he went back to Syria and got a wife who shared his traditional way of thinking. So I think everything should be clarified before hand, both people should know what the other expects of them in terms of cleaning and cooking among other things. To avoid any disagreements and arguments later on, planning is everything.






Well that makes two of us then, cause I didn’t mean to come across the way I did either.
Ok that is nice to know.

You know wat? This obviously means a lot to you so go ahead do ur thang. Don’t let anything I said hinder you from watever rocks ur boat.
Well sis as long as I put everything in the right priority I don't see anything wrong with it, first I want a wife who is pious, after all that should be number one priority, however additionally to that, I'd prefer it if she had similar interests and likes as me, such as food, personality, what she likes to do in her spare time, whether she's out going or likes to stay in, is she a good cook etc cooking is just 1 of many things that I like in a woman however it's not the most essential one and such things can easily be over come. But the reason I have these preferences is, I'd like someone similar to myself as I see the marriage being more successful then, and less arguments occurring.

We have to remember we're going to be with our marriage partner for life so it's important we find the traits in a person that would make us happy, otherwise we'll continually be fantasizing about a person with traits that would make us happy.

Peace
And unto you.
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GuestFellow
06-13-2011, 04:28 PM
Originally Posted by Yanoorah
Wat kind of world do u live in? Rejecting a proposal because the girl can't cook the food you like? Are you food-obsessed? Who wants a guy who's top priority in marriage is a wife who cooks his fav food.

I think u need to start living outside 'the box'. There's more to life besides ur fav food!
Salaam,

I think it is a reasonable requirement. I know a guy who is married and works 6am to 9pm approximately (awful job). He comes home and is very tired. His wife, lucky for him, can cook the food that he wants. I think it would be unfair if the wife did not cook the food that he wants unless there is a good reason (e.g. not healthy).

In this case, if Salahudeen learns the language, then it would be fair that she cooks the food that he likes. This way, both become familiar with each other's culture and everyone wins. *Throws confetti.*
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Salahudeen
06-13-2011, 04:47 PM
Originally Posted by Guestfellow
Salaam,

I think it is a reasonable requirement. I know a guy who is married and works 6am to 9pm approximately (awful job). He comes home and is very tired. His wife, lucky for him, can cook the food that he wants. I think it would be unfair if the wife did not cook the food that he wants unless there is a good reason (e.g. not healthy).

In this case, if Salahudeen learns the language, then it would be fair if she cooks the food that he likes. This way, both become familiar with each other's culture and everyone wins. *Throws confetti.*
hehe lucky guy your friend is, the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, as the saying goes. ;)
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nature
06-13-2011, 06:24 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen

Well sis this is your opinion and I respect it but I will have to disagree because I was raised in a traditional way, where the man is the bread winner, he goes out and works and brings the money in, helps out around the house with cleaning etc and the wife handles the cooking side of things. I think such things should be clarified before marriage sister, because what if you get married and there's disagreements over who does the cooking? some men as myself expect the woman to do the cooking, it's just something I don't really see my self doing, as for other things such as cleaning washing dishes etc
I get what your saying, and actually its no different from the culture i come from, apart from, you actually dont mind cleaning ?? Most of the housewifes i know, they get sick of the husband making demands in the kitchen and not helping out. Even wen the kids come along, shes expected to get the meals out etc, also what happens if the wife is ill ?? Think long term, theres no harm in a bloke learning to do the basics or even give his wife a break on a weekend.

personally i think its a 2 way thing, just cos its part of culture we come from, doesnt mean we cant change it does it ?? Cooking is great, but us girls dont wana be stinking of chip pan oil all the time, its nice to have a bit of help rather than get taken for granted, and c'mon is it really worth the nagging in the future ?

you know what you want, so there is nothing that any1 will say, that will change your thoughts.

good luck
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Who Am I?
06-13-2011, 06:29 PM
I can cook, but most of the time I don't because after being at work all day, I'm too tired to bother with it. I live alone, so I usually just grab something on the way home or go out to eat.

When the mood hits me though, I am a kitchen monster.
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Salahudeen
06-13-2011, 07:13 PM
Originally Posted by nature
I get what your saying, and actually its no different from the culture i come from, apart from, you actually dont mind cleaning ?? Most of the housewifes i know, they get sick of the husband making demands in the kitchen and not helping out. Even wen the kids come along, shes expected to get the meals out etc, also what happens if the wife is ill ?? Think long term, theres no harm in a bloke learning to do the basics or even give his wife a break on a weekend.

personally i think its a 2 way thing, just cos its part of culture we come from, doesnt mean we cant change it does it ?? Cooking is great, but us girls dont wana be stinking of chip pan oil all the time, its nice to have a bit of help rather than get taken for granted, and c'mon is it really worth the nagging in the future ?

you know what you want, so there is nothing that any1 will say, that will change your thoughts.

good luck
No I don't mind, cleaning is something I enjoy and find therapeutic, so I don't mind if my wife doesn't like cleaning I can handle that department, well I would be open to helping her out as working together on something even the smallest of things brings you closer together. Well when kids come along that's something totally different, she can't be expected to cook then can she, or when she's ill, I guess in such circumstances it will be take out unless I learn more dishes apart from keema.

It is a 2 way thing I guess, after all a marriage is like a partnership, and there'd be no harm in getting take outs when she don't wanna cook etc actually we have take outs on the weekend all ready in my house so the women take break from cooking.
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Riana17
06-13-2011, 07:21 PM
Wow

I'm utterly speechless, may Allah extend His kindness to all of us, seems no one wanna give up
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S_87
06-13-2011, 07:30 PM
which country in the west indies is she from? curry and roti is a big part of the culture in some West indian countries
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Salahudeen
06-13-2011, 07:38 PM
Originally Posted by S_87
which country in the west indies is she from? curry and roti is a big part of the culture in some West indian countries
I don't think it's relevant anymore since it wasn't the only issue on which we rejected each other, we mutually rejected each other based upon other issues too. However they weren't cultural in nature.
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nature
06-13-2011, 08:16 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
It is a 2 way thing I guess, after all a marriage is like a partnership,

Im glad you said that!

I know loads of blokes who never stepped inside the kitchen when single only 2 never get out of it after marriage,..who knows maybe one day your wife can teach you how to cook other dishes apart from keema. :D



may allah grant you a wife that is best for you in this life and the hereafter.
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Perseveranze
06-13-2011, 11:26 PM
You know, this is why some Muslim men (from asian backgrounds) marry from back home LOL
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ProudMuslimSis
06-14-2011, 02:38 AM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
I don't think it's relevant anymore since it wasn't the only issue on which we rejected each other, we mutually rejected each other based upon other issues too. However they weren't cultural in nature.
I was suspecting other issues were present such as in-law problems that are much more serious than cooking, cleaning, or learning a language.

I actually think you are very flexible and thoughtful with your offer to assist with household chores. Personally, I rather cook than clean any day.
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Who Am I?
06-14-2011, 02:39 AM
I have my own house and I still hate to clean it.

Which reminds me, I should really vacuum tomorrow...

..but I bet I won't. :D
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GuestFellow
06-14-2011, 05:33 AM
^ Salaam,

I hate cleaning, though I find it easy. I can clean the entire house without difficulty.
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nature
06-14-2011, 08:28 AM
Originally Posted by Perseveranze
You know, this is why some Muslim men (from asian backgrounds) marry from back home LOL
& those sisters get treated like doormats, cos they feel indebted to the bloke for a passport. ! Its sad really.
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Who Am I?
06-14-2011, 02:30 PM
Salaam, Guestfellow.

Cleaning isn't hard, as you said. It's just finding the time and motivation to do it.
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Flame of Hope
06-14-2011, 04:28 PM
:sl:

Originally Posted by nature
& those sisters get treated like doormats, cos they feel indebted to the bloke for a passport. ! Its sad really.
Ukhti, not everyone is like that. I'm sure brother Salahudeen or brother Perseveranze wouldn't treat their wives like doormats. They seem like brothers who would care for their wives actually.
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GuestFellow
06-14-2011, 04:59 PM
Originally Posted by nature
& those sisters get treated like doormats, cos they feel indebted to the bloke for a passport. ! Its sad really.
Salaam,

You speak for all of them? :p:
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GuestFellow
06-14-2011, 05:00 PM
Originally Posted by Just a Guy
Salaam, Guestfellow.

Cleaning isn't hard, as you said. It's just finding the time and motivation to do it.
Salaam,

Motivation is not hard for me either. I hate it when the house is in a mess, especially clutter. I can't study if my room is in a mess. :/
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Who Am I?
06-14-2011, 05:03 PM
Actually, brother Salahudeen reminds me a lot of myself. Except that I'm an older paler version... ;D

Guestfellow, I'm far too lazy to have any motivation to do anything resembling work. It is one of my shortcomings.

Salaam
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Salahudeen
06-14-2011, 05:06 PM
Originally Posted by Perseveranze
You know, this is why some Muslim men (from asian backgrounds) marry from back home LOL

lol bro, I think even if you marry from back home you are not guaranteed to get the type of person you want as people are individuals with varying traits
I've heard all sorts of stories from men who got married back home also, I really believe every person should be assessed on a case by case basis. and the advantages should be weighed against the disadvantages, we may have to compromise on a couple of things we desire in a wife, but there could be a whole list of other things we like in her.

And plus I don't really see it working out with a woman from back home since I was raised here, we'd have nothing in common apart from food and language. I think the environment you're raised in plays a big part on the type of people you're compatible with. Maybe if I was raised over there and I came here when I was older I'd prefer it to get married back home but that's not the case. I've never really clicked with anyone from back home also, I instantly click with people from here.

Ideally if I can find a british raised girl who is similar to me, I can see more chance of success. I'd rather compromise on things and get married to a girl from here rather than back home. Because I've been around people from back home and I do feel like an alien amongst them except for my family. Infact even around my own family sometimes, they call me the gora of the family for some reason ^o)
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Salahudeen
06-14-2011, 05:10 PM
Originally Posted by nature
& those sisters get treated like doormats, cos they feel indebted to the bloke for a passport. ! Its sad really.

Hey sis, I understand some men take it too far to the point the wife becomes a slave and nothing more, i.e they don't show much love and affection, just "Woman do this" "woman do that" however some women from over there, may believe this is the way husband and wife should be so they don't see it as them selves getting treated like doormats, they look at it as if, "this is how a wife should be". Because they were raised in such a way by their mother and father to all ways be obedient to the husband no matter what.

And I don't believe there's anything wrong with a wife having this belief, however the problem comes when the men take advantage and do not fulfill her rights. So they take, take, take and never give anything in return.
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Who Am I?
06-14-2011, 05:13 PM
Ok, I have a question now...

Is there a noticable difference between Muslims raised in Western society and Muslims raised in a traditional Islamic society? Being new to Islam, I have yet to notice the subtle differences in individuals from various backgrounds.
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Perseveranze
06-14-2011, 05:15 PM
Originally Posted by nature
& those sisters get treated like doormats, cos they feel indebted to the bloke for a passport. ! Its sad really.
Asalaamu Alaikum,

That is not true in all cases, though I can understand what you mean. It is due to a lack of understanding of Deen and more down to cultural influence.


Originally Posted by Flame
:sl:



Ukhti, not everyone is like that. I'm sure brother Salahudeen or brother Perseveranze wouldn't treat their wives like doormats. They seem like brothers who would care for their wives actually.
Asalaamu Alaikum,

I apologise if I gave the wrong impression with my statement. I meant to simply say that "some" people can be very pickey and thus settle for marrying from "home". Though much of this is also culturally influenced.

As for treating women, I'm thankful to Allah(swt) for being more influenced by the teachings of Islam than my culture and pray Inshallah that it would be the same for everyone else.
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Salahudeen
06-14-2011, 05:18 PM
Originally Posted by Just a Guy
Salaam, Guestfellow.

Cleaning isn't hard, as you said. It's just finding the time and motivation to do it.
It actually feels good and pleasing when you see the end result. When things are a mess I feel unorganized and cluttered, I end up putting things off until everything is tidy and clean cos then I feel organised and efficient. I also get depressed when the place is a mess I've noticed this, I don't feel good, however when everything is clean I feel in a good mood. Weird I know.
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Salahudeen
06-14-2011, 05:19 PM
Originally Posted by Just a Guy
Actually, brother Salahudeen reminds me a lot of myself. Except that I'm an older paler version... ;D

Guestfellow, I'm far too lazy to have any motivation to do anything resembling work. It is one of my shortcomings.

Salaam
Maybe you need a wife like Monica from friends then who is clean freak ;) that way you can just sit back hehe.
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Who Am I?
06-14-2011, 05:21 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
Maybe you need a wife like Monica from friends then who is clean freak ;) that way you can just sit back hehe.
Dude, she would throw a wobbler if she ever set foot in my house. She's far too OCD about cleaning for my tastes. I think one of us would end up dead or horribly insane before a week had passed.
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Salahudeen
06-14-2011, 05:34 PM
Originally Posted by Just a Guy
Ok, I have a question now...

Is there a noticable difference between Muslims raised in Western society and Muslims raised in a traditional Islamic society? Being new to Islam, I have yet to notice the subtle differences in individuals from various backgrounds.
A very good and interesting question bro, and I believe you will get different answers depending upon the people answering because everyone is different, what 1 person feels he is able to work with, another person may completely differ. But I'll give you myself as an example.

In my personal opinion I think there is, take myself for example, I can see myself getting on much better and being more happier with a girl raised in a western society rather than a girl raised back home. And I feel race is irrelevant in this situation, any British raised girl whether she be white, african, asian will be a better match for me rather than a girl from back home. However this is just me as an individual, another may answer in the complete opposite and say the opposite, I guess it depends on the people involved, because I can also think of a few people I know who were raised in the west and they would get on better with a girl from back home rather than here. So there's no definite answer to your question, every situation/person is different and thus it should be assessed on a case by case basis.

I have 2 uncles, one is very westernized and loves british culture, he loves having sunday dinners and he has even made an english nick name for himself, and he loves everything english. Ranging from the food to the way they talk. His mum actually had to learn english dishes when he was younger cos he didn't wanna eat asian food lol. I think this uncle would be more suited to a british raised girl.

I have another uncle who is the complete opposite, he's into his asian drama's and asian television/movies, he loves cheering for Pakistan in the cricket, he all ways talks the asian language even though he can speak english perfectly well, he also hates english food and thinks its the most boring food on the planet. I think this uncle would be more suited to a girl from back home or a girl raised in the west who is more like him.

Do you see my point? It's impossible to apply a generalization on every situation, rather I believe every situation/individual should be a case by case basis. And it's the same with women, I have aunties who are more suited to british raised people and I also have aunties who are more suited to people from back home.
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Who Am I?
06-14-2011, 05:42 PM
Yes, I think that answers that question nicely, brother.

I myself know very little about the culture and society from another country, so if I ever do decide to find a wife, she would probably have to be from a Western culture. I'm not saying that I would never marry a woman who was raised in another country, but I think a relationship with her and her family would be more difficult. I don't speak any Asian languages, for one thing. I'm not familiar with Eastern cultural nuances and subtleties for another. So for myself, I think a woman from a Western society would be best.
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Flame of Hope
06-14-2011, 05:48 PM
:sl:

Originally Posted by Salahudeen
It's impossible to apply a generalization on every situation, rather I believe every situation/individual should be a case by case basis.
Alhamdulillahir rabbil al ameen!

Well put. :) I hate generalizations.
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Salahudeen
06-14-2011, 06:03 PM
Originally Posted by Just a Guy
Yes, I think that answers that question nicely, brother.

I myself know very little about the culture and society from another country, so if I ever do decide to find a wife, she would probably have to be from a Western culture. I'm not saying that I would never marry a woman who was raised in another country, but I think a relationship with her and her family would be more difficult. I don't speak any Asian languages, for one thing. I'm not familiar with Eastern cultural nuances and subtleties for another. So for myself, I think a woman from a Western society would be best.
Well if you did marry an asian girl from the west I don't think you would have to worry about not knowing the language because there's quite a few 3rd generation families, my mum and uncles speaks english, it's only my grand parents who don't speak English.

However if you happen to meet a girl who is 2nd generation and her parents don't speak English, then they may not be happy because they won't be able to communicate with you. But again it's impossible to apply a generalization because I also know of families where the son in law can't speak the same language as the girls parents and her parents don't mind. It's great for him he loves it, no nagging mother in law :)

You know bro I think it all depends on the type of people you will meet and what they'll be happy with.
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nature
06-14-2011, 07:22 PM
Originally Posted by Flame
:sl:

Ukhti, not everyone is like that. I'm sure brother Salahudeen or brother Perseveranze wouldn't treat their wives like doormats. They seem like brothers who would care for their wives actually.
I wasnt referring to any of the men on here, i ment culturally blokes go back home cos they want some1 whose a doormat and who they know is pure. MIL's are happier with girls that know how to do all the chores and that know how to keep it zipped. Im only saying what ive seen, & I know you shouldnt generalise, but its hard not too, when you see the same thing ova and over again.


Originally Posted by Perseveranze
Asalaamu Alaikum,

That is not true in all cases, though I can understand what you mean. It is due to a lack of understanding of Deen and more down to cultural influence.




Asalaamu Alaikum,

I apologise if I gave the wrong impression with my statement. I meant to simply say that "some" people can be very pickey and thus settle for marrying from "home". Though much of this is also culturally influenced.

As for treating women, I'm thankful to Allah(swt) for being more influenced by the teachings of Islam than my culture and pray Inshallah that it would be the same for everyone else.
I agree its a culture thing, thats pushed onto kids, and they just dont know anything else. I personally dont think its pickey, its just convenient. 1 of my friends actually sed to me a while back that she wud marry from " back home " cos then the inlaws are ova there, theres no family to worry of or sticking their oars in and also that the guy wud be nice, cos of the fact that she had brought him ova to UK, so in a way he wud be indebted and not do anything wrong.



Originally Posted by Salahudeen
Hey sis, I understand some men take it too far to the point the wife becomes a slave and nothing more, i.e they don't show much love and affection, just "Woman do this" "woman do that" however some women from over there, may believe this is the way husband and wife should be so they don't see it as them selves getting treated like doormats, they look at it as if, "this is how a wife should be". Because they were raised in such a way by their mother and father to all ways be obedient to the husband no matter what.

And I don't believe there's anything wrong with a wife having this belief, however the problem comes when the men take advantage and do not fulfill her rights. So they take, take, take and never give anything in return.

The majority of them are doormats right ?? they end up getting married to some dude, then expected to cook/clean/breed forever, what about what they want out of life ? yeh ive seen some blokes take it far, but them girls are 2 scared to say anything cos of their upbringing they think they shud stay quite. I know its the way people are raised, but its like there not even given a chance to think for themselves cos of the way they are brought up. I know girls that have got married from UK to dudes over there, and again within time they end up doormats.

I agree, thats cos they dont know about deen and more importantly them girls dont know what rights we get in islam. I dont mean to generalise i just really feel sorry for them girls. Obviously if both parties had good understanding of the deen then its different, & I guess it depends on the area the person is from.
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Who Am I?
06-14-2011, 08:10 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
Well if you did marry an asian girl from the west I don't think you would have to worry about not knowing the language because there's quite a few 3rd generation families, my mum and uncles speaks english, it's only my grand parents who don't speak English.

However if you happen to meet a girl who is 2nd generation and her parents don't speak English, then they may not be happy because they won't be able to communicate with you. But again it's impossible to apply a generalization because I also know of families where the son in law can't speak the same language as the girls parents and her parents don't mind. It's great for him he loves it, no nagging mother in law :)

You know bro I think it all depends on the type of people you will meet and what they'll be happy with.
The no nagging mother in law part sounds fine with me. ;D

I'll worry about that when the time comes, though. I still have to deal with my own family's reaction to my conversion to Islam before I can even think about finding a wife...
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GuestFellow
06-14-2011, 08:23 PM
Salaam everyone.

Originally Posted by Just a Guy
Guestfellow, I'm far too lazy to have any motivation to do anything resembling work. It is one of my shortcomings.

Salaam
:/ I can be lazy too but in a different way, especially when it comes to shopping. I hate shopping....

Originally Posted by Just a Guy
Ok, I have a question now...

Is there a noticable difference between Muslims raised in Western society and Muslims raised in a traditional Islamic society? Being new to Islam, I have yet to notice the subtle differences in individuals from various backgrounds.
I'm not sure and I should know the answer to this one. :/

Originally Posted by Salahudeen
It actually feels good and pleasing when you see the end result. When things are a mess I feel unorganized and cluttered, I end up putting things off until everything is tidy and clean cos then I feel organised and efficient. I also get depressed when the place is a mess I've noticed this, I don't feel good, however when everything is clean I feel in a good mood. Weird I know.
I feel like this too. We are both weirdos. XD

Originally Posted by Just a Guy
The no nagging mother in law part sounds fine with me. ;D

I'll worry about that when the time comes, though. I still have to deal with my own family's reaction to my conversion to Islam before I can even think about finding a wife...
I find nagging people funny. My grandpa was like this:

"Why are you getting up, sit down and finish your dinner before you wander off!"
"Close the door, I said close the door PROPERLY!"
"Get the remote control and change the channel for me!"
"Put the volume down, turn the TV off, get me a pear from the fridge!"
"Why are you talking for, be quiet!"

My grandpa was the best.
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Salahudeen
06-14-2011, 10:57 PM
Originally Posted by Guestfellow
Salaam everyone.



:/ I can be lazy too but in a different way, especially when it comes to shopping. I hate shopping....
I'm the same, I don't like going round from shop to shop looking, I just go into 1 shop buy what I need, go home.







I feel like this too. We are both weirdos. XD



I find nagging people funny. My grandpa was like this:

"Why are you getting up, sit down and finish your dinner before you wander off!"
"Close the door, I said close the door PROPERLY!"
"Get the remote control and change the channel for me!"
"Put the volume down, turn the TV off, get me a pear from the fridge!"
"Why are you talking for, be quiet!"

My grandpa was the best
I don't know your grandpa but I like the sound of him also :)
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Who Am I?
06-15-2011, 02:59 AM
My granddad was a good Christian man who would probably freak out if he were still alive once he found out I converted to Islam.
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Salahudeen
06-16-2011, 04:55 PM
Originally Posted by Just a Guy
My granddad was a good Christian man who would probably freak out if he were still alive once he found out I converted to Islam.
Yeah, then once he saw that you have not changed except for the better he might have gotten used to the idea and liked it :)
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Who Am I?
06-16-2011, 05:44 PM
Originally Posted by Salahudeen
Yeah, then once he saw that you have not changed except for the better he might have gotten used to the idea and liked it :)
Brother, that is what I hope my family will see. That is what I pray every day that they will see, that I am becoming a better man. Then maybe they will accept my decision.
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