Rant.....am I wrong or right?

[anonymous]

Salaam,

I have been married for A few months now. I left my family friends and a good job to live into another city with my husband. He isn't financially stable and has a huge spending problem.. He can't save. We live with his aunty as I agreed to this short term solution so we could be stable, and I didn't want to live with in-laws as there are way too many people there and no privacy.

Now firstly my husband cannot save money he is always spending it, he tries to support me but has a spending problem. Secodnly he is always out in the name of Allah, meaning he goes to namaaz and stays there then gets a lift back with his friends and stays in the car chit chatting away. It's not like he doesn't speak to his friends he speaks on the phone to them everyday!!!! Top it up he sits in the car chatting away when be could be with me. He then wants to go to his parents house every single day!!!! He doesn't make much time for me I'm so dependent on him yet he doesn't see that even tho I explain time and time again. He feels he neglects his family and needs to spend time with friends as soon as he gives me anytime!!!

Im in verge of leaving him as he doesn't meet my emotional needs and doesn't support me as he has a spending problem. This rate we will never get our own place and I'm limited to seeing my family as it costs a lot of money to travel so I see them once a month!!!

[Asiyah3]

Salaam,

I have been married for A few months now. I left my family friends and a good job to live into another city with my husband. He isn't financially stable and has a huge spending problem.. He can't save. We live with his aunty as I agreed to this short term solution so we could be stable, and I didn't want to live with in-laws as there are way too many people there and no privacy.

Now firstly my husband cannot save money he is always spending it, he tries to support me but has a spending problem.

:sl:

Firstly, does your husband acknowledge he has a spending problem?

If he can't save money in his hands, perhaps he can leave it with you? Or his parents, aunt or whomever he trusts.

[Ansariyah]

Walaikuma salam Sista

Tell him that this is seriously bothering you a lot and that you feel neglected. Sometimes when people argue fight etc no one really hears the other. So tell him this when you are both calm, maybe he'll hear it better. (The reason I said this, is cause I watched a funny video on youtube about the difference between men & women psychology, apparently when a woman goes off and starts talking angrily the man doesn't hear her properly or least not everything nor the right way lol. Sista you've only been married a couple of months I think these disagreements are normal and inshaAllah in the long run you will both learn better the likes & dislikes of the other.

You have to talk to him about his mad spending, maybe he needs your help. His top priority now should be to get himself his own place.

You live in the same country with your parents, consider yourself lucky. I know sisters who married and moved to other countries i'm sure they got it a lot harder. Trust me they would love to see their parents once a month!

May Allah send his mercy & love to ur household ameen.

[tigerkhan]

^ i agreed. the pbm is, he is not taking the things as problem which u feel a problem...u will need time to understand each other. some ppl are good in it, they feel if others are distubing bcz of them but mostly no1 cares. so first u make him understand that u r feeling suffered or hurt by his habits. then see whats his reponse, either he try to change or not ?
and always remember n01 in world is perfect. dont think u will find some1 other for which u will have not to comprmise to some extent.

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[Danah]

:wa:

Let me ask you this first, did you know about that before you married him? Or this was discovered later after you got married?

You need to sit with him and discuss your problem calmly and seriously. Many men tend to be less responsible in their early marriage months because of the changes they are going through and because they feel like they have a big responsibility by having a family all of a sudden.

As members said above, you need to discuss this matter with him before it gets any worse for you.

May Allah ease your affairs sister.

[Salahudeen]

Divorce is all ways the last resort, try to resolve your problems with him first even if you have to go to counselling. It is possible for people to change sister, he might do it if he understands how you feel and realizes you're not happy and contemplating leaving.

[anonymous]

We had a love marriage so I knew he was like this. He told me that he will stop all this after marriage and wont neglect me!

and I should have patience for him to save. I do look after his money but he requests it back after we argue and I hand it back as it's his money.

[anonymous]

So in all fairness he knows how I feel but doesn't change.

[Danah]

Can't you ask someone else to help? like his aunt you are living with, how is your relation with her, do you think she can help? Maybe she can offer advice to him in general like talking about marriage responsibilities and then include the spending money issue.

[S_87]

hmm

does he expect that when he is home youre at his service or does he expect you to be equally social?

[anonymous]

She is unwell and disabled so I won't troubled her.

I have no friends or family as I left them all to be with him so I'm not socialable.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salaam,

I have been married for A few months now. I left my family friends and a good job to live into another city with my husband. He isn't financially stable and has a huge spending problem.. He can't save. We live with his aunty as I agreed to this short term solution so we could be stable, and I didn't want to live with in-laws as there are way too many people there and no privacy.

Now firstly my husband cannot save money he is always spending it, he tries to support me but has a spending problem. Secodnly he is always out in the name of Allah, meaning he goes to namaaz and stays there then gets a lift back with his friends and stays in the car chit chatting away. It's not like he doesn't speak to his friends he speaks on the phone to them everyday!!!! Top it up he sits in the car chatting away when be could be with me. He then wants to go to his parents house every single day!!!! He doesn't make much time for me I'm so dependent on him yet he doesn't see that even tho I explain time and time again. He feels he neglects his family and needs to spend time with friends as soon as he gives me anytime!!!

Im in verge of leaving him as he doesn't meet my emotional needs and doesn't support me as he has a spending problem. This rate we will never get our own place and I'm limited to seeing my family as it costs a lot of money to travel so I see them once a month!!!

:sl:

Jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. Divorce should always be the very last option. I would suggest the following steps:

1. Tell him that you need a very serious word with him. But do not be angry or shout at hime but be firm so that he knows you are very serious.

Tell him that the way he is behaving is troubling you so much that you are even considering leaving him and divorce has also come across your mind.

You should tell him this so that he realises that the way he has treated you has even made you consider divorce. Once he realises this then he should start to get very serious. Tell him that you are not going to mess around and that your rights as a wife are not being fulfilled and that he will have to answer for that to Allah unless he changes his ways immediatley.

You need to make him open up about why he is neglecting you in such a way and why he does not spend more time with you. Both of you really need to talk about these things openly and be honest to each other. Without communication being established your marriage will crumble.

This will ONLY work if the BOTH of you are willing to make this work. If only you are willing to make this work and not him then things will not work out.

So you need to get him on board with regards to sorting out the issues the both of you have. You need to make him realise how much his behaviour is affecting you and your marriage.

2. If this does not work then the both of you should certainly consider counselling. In this way you will have an impartial mediator who can get to the bottom of the issues both of you have in your marriage and work things out from there. Again both of you are going to need to want to sort your issues out. Both of you are going to have to really work as a team for marriage is a team effort and if one of the team members is not willing to put in the effort then the partnership will crumble.

3. Your last option is to see an experienced and reliable scholar of Islam. Once you have tried both the above options then you must consult with the scholar who will give you the best course of action thereafter.

Also make much dua to Allah and beg of him to help you with regards to your marriage. Pray to him in the latter portions of the night and put your FULL reliance and trust in Allah. Ask him to do what is best for you.

May Allah do what is best for you with regards to your marriage. Ameen

And Allah knows best in all matters

[Mayana]

:sl:

My humble 2 cents:
As many, I'd suggest talking this through with him.. and I realize it's much easier said than done. But just go in with the attitude that you want to help him overcome his problems rather than the attitude of "I wanna save my marriage." Let him know that you are doing this as the caring and loving wife he chose to marry and that it is only in both of your best interest. Additionally, you could start/continue looking for a job as well, it would help you save up and network with others in the community. But most importantly, it may make him realize his faults. If his wife is leaving to work every day while he's in his car chit-chatting, this will take a serious toll on him - and a positive one at that. It might make him realize his shortcomings and motivate him to start putting effort in this as well.
I can only imagine how difficult it is.. but just try and stay calm and patient. Allah swt loves those who are patient. I firmly believe that your patience and strength will motivate him and bring out the best in him, inshAllah.

All the best! =)

[aadil77]

Did you not know before marrying him that he's financially unstable and that you'd be living with his aunty?

[cat eyes]

how horrible for you! hes being selfish. tell him if he don't cop on to himself then you will leave its as simple as that. i dont think your wrong. that might wake him up a bit