How do I make my wife understand?

[mahmade]

two years ago my wife was involved in a spat with my brother and sister - in - law over a row with my mother. my father had just passed away and i had had an operation after breaking my arm. as she was keeping on arguing with my mother i ordered her to stop and go to her room which she ignored. the situation got worse and many acrid and nasty words were exchanged between them and they are no longer on speaking terms. Now my mother is no longer of this world. she has caused my sisters to stop coming by not showing hospitality to them. i have tried many times to reason with my wife to let go of the past and to forgive as Allah forgives the gravest of all sins and we are mere mortals, but she is adamant that she will not be made to seek forgiveness from my family. whenever i and my children go to visit my own she refuses to go with me. for my part i visit her family as my philosophy is that by refusing to tread the same path as her i may with the help of Allah bring about a change in her attitude and make her realise the injustice she is meting out on me even though at times i have been tempted to give her tit for tat and have said so to her. her reasoning is that come whatever she would rather forsake her own family than visit my own family. also i do not want my children to feel the distress as i want to give them a good example. whenever i try to bring up the subject we inevitably end up having a fight and the situation remains the same afterwards. she does her all her salaats. please advise me what to do as i want to see my brother and sisters come to my house as before when my parents were alive and to help my children grow up in a happy and good family atmosphere.

[mahmade]

Plz anybody help me tackle this problem! JazakAllah.

[Ansariyah]

May Allah help you with this bro ameen.

You have done all you could it seems, now all you can do is make dua that Allah softens her heart.

[Salahudeen]

I don't really know how to advise you brother, what about getting someone your wife respects to have a word with her? What are her parents like? I don't think you can do much if she refuses to obey you. :(

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[Flame of Hope]

:sl:

i have tried many times to reason with my wife to let go of the past and to forgive as Allah forgives the gravest of all sins and we are mere mortals, but she is adamant that she will not be made to seek forgiveness from my family

So you have tried to reason with her and it didn't work. You have tried to set a good example as well. That too didn't work.

I do not know the temperament of your wife, nor anything about her upbringing..... whether she is a revert to Islam or born into a Muslim family. In order to give proper advice it's necessary to understand the circumstances surrounding the given situation. I do not know what grievance your wife had with your mother. Perhaps your wife has a justified cause to be angry and hurt and therefore she is having difficulty forgiving and letting it go.

So what was the conflict between her and your mother about? Was it about something trivial or something major? Was your wife unjustly or unfairly accused by your mother or was your wife the aggressor and the accuser?

To resolve this problem, you would need to understand how your wife thinks and feels. Try to understand why she is still so angry even after your mother has died. Make an attempt to understand her.

Perhaps when she sees that you are concerned about how she feels she would open up more to you and talk about what's in her heart. And once you have identified what the grudge is, then you would be in a position to handle it. You could tell her that you understand how she feels... that you acknowledge that it isn't easy and that she has the right to be hurt and angry over what happened. And only after that.... can you offer some words of comfort to her, telling her that Allah sees all things and knows the feeling of hurt in every heart. You could tell her then that Allah is forgiving and He loves those who forgive.

Try this.... and if this still does not work, then you might want to take the aggressive approach. Show your displeasure openly to your wife. But that should be your last resort.

May Allah help you and guide your family. Ameen.

[Dagless]

I think you need to do the same when she goes to her family. She obviously doesn't understand how hurtful this is and this will show her. After that she may be willing to compromise. I don't think it will affect your kids too much since this won't be a continuous thing.

[Maryan0]

:sl:




I do not know the temperament of your wife, nor anything about her upbringing..... whether she is a revert to Islam or born into a Muslim family. In order to give proper advice it's necessary to understand the circumstances surrounding the given situation. I do not know what grievance your wife had with your mother. Perhaps your wife has a justified cause to be angry and hurt and therefore she is having difficulty forgiving and letting it go.

So what was the conflict between her and your mother about? Was it about something trivial or something major? Was your wife unjustly or unfairly accused by your mother or was your wife the aggressor and the accuser?

To resolve this problem, you would need to understand how your wife thinks and feels. Try to understand why she is still so angry even after your mother has died. Make an attempt to understand her.

I agree with this. If it is something major that has caused your wife to feel this way then I don't see how she can just forget especially if the problem is unresolved between her and the living relatives. Although I don't understand why she would hold a grudge against the dead. Perhaps you should all have a sit-down instead of sweeping it under the rug. It's not easy to forgive something that hasnt been resolved.
Salam

[Salahudeen]

salaam alaykum.

Asalaamu alaykum, may Allah make it easy for the brother. I would suggest he utilises the month of Ramadan especially to try and bring about reconciliation, albeit with wisdom and patience as ust. Here are some practical pointers if I may add insha Allah:

1. He could invite his family as well as extended family for iftar at his house, so that his wife does not feel uncomfortable being alone with them. This way his children will also be able to enjoy the guest's company and for her to get used to the idea gradually.

2. Continue to speak nicely to her, commend her on things, make du'a for her and respond to her requests and show more concern about her. In short, disprove her notion that she is being 'forsaken'.

3. Solicit advice and intervention from wise elders who are mutually close to and respected by both sides to bring about reconciliation.

4. Gifts play a major role in softening hearts and changing attitudes.

5. Some aspects of this answer may be helpful to him.

And Allah's Help is sought in rectifying all our affairs.