Heartbroken, overwhelmed. Please help.

[Ukti]

Asalaamu alaykum dear brothers and sisters

I really need your help. I am going crazy.

I wil try to cut the story as short as I can. I was engaged to a brother. We had the right intentions and were doing things in the correct way. No private contact, no private meetings. we both had very difficult parents, esp mine. alhamdulilah somehow they all agreed and we were engaged.

Since the engagement, we started to get too friendly. i was going through a bad time as my mum was really against it. at first he just wanted to help and support me. we never intended to even exchange numbers, the first time i called him he said it was his brothers number, even though it was his. The first time we met alone, we both tried to get a third party, but were unable to, and i was leaving the city. so we ended up meeting alone. since then the boundaries were broke and we would meet occasionally and talk regularly. prior to this, everything we knew about each other was spot on. we both were very happy and had asked all the right questions to determine that we were a good match.

since we gave into shaytaan things went downhill. i would start to feel insecure, we would have minor misunderstandings. there was frustration as we were not halal for each other. the smallest of things were being blown out of proportion. we still got on really well. but all these small things were getting to him, so much that he started having doubts.

he never really opened up about them. just my insecurities got to him. i was distraught as he wanted to call it off, and he was acting all strange. everytime i would talk to him, he would be like i dont know what is wrong with me. im fearful that if we are like this now, how will it get better when we are married. i explained that its because we are not married, and shaytaan is trying to destroy us. as we were really good together, helped each other to progress in dawah, everything was falling into place. but then we got into a non physical bf/gf relationship.

i recommended we both have ruqya, as everyone knew about us and said we made a perfect match. The Raqe told me that I have the evil eye. maybe even magic done. so i have started ruqya properly.

going back, 3 weeks ago he called it off. and he completely cut contact with me as his parents made him promise he wouldnt contact me. they disliked the fact we had gone behind their backs and had been meeting. he had been to my sisters house, when they havent been there.

i was so so distraught wallahi, because he told me he loved me, nothing could come in between us, and then 2/3 days he called it off and didnt even give me an explanation

i tried to get in touch with him a few times but he wouldnt get back to me.

last week i did a terrible thing. i pretended to be my friend and emailed him. i said something had happened to me. it was supposed to be a 1 min joke but it got really really out of hand. his whole family found out. and i had to tell lie upon lie to cover it up. they dont know that it was me. but he knows.

he contacted me a few days ago, because he felt bad. he wanted us to use ramadhan to make istikhara and dua. and put our full trust in Allaah. he asked about the email and i lied. i said it had nothing to do with me. but he knew the friend i pretended to be, and found out it was me

suprisingly he was really understanding. gave me the opportunity to be honest and tell him everything. at first he said this means that we can no longer use ramadhan to think about it, but as he goes he forgives me, and understands i was in an extreme state, we can use ramadhan.

but i feel sick brothers and sisters. i feel sick and disgusted with myself. i cannot stop hating myself for what i have done. he said he wouldnt tell anyone and told me not to tell anyone either. but i feel terribly burdened with guilt and hatred for myself. how could i be so sick, so snidey, so deceiving.

his family are put off from me now anyway, because im too independent, because they know we have been meeting up, they are disappointed and cannot understand how i could go behind my parents back, and talk to him without them knowing etc. i feel sick.

i really really care about him. so much. we had something so great, and we messed it up. i messed it up more.

its been four weeks now. im such a mess. i feel a huge physical pain in my chest. i have lost so much weight subhan'allah. now that its ramadhan i have no energy whatsover to do anything. im a huge mess.

i cannot concentrate on anything. i cannot sleep properly because i am heartbroken, and then overwhelmed with myself.

i cannot stop crying. feel disgusted with myself.

i miss him too. i did istkhara for 6 months before he came to my house. everything was right between us, everything was working out. i always felt right about him, and inclined towards it.

at first i thought it was completely over. but he said we should use ramadhan. he said we would need a miracle to sort this out, as we need Allaah to change our families hearts too, as so much has happened and everyone being disappointed.

but i am so scared. i cannot stop feeling guilty for a start. i want to make things right but dont know how.

i feel hurt by him too.

please someone help me :(

[May Ayob]

Salaam dear sis and Welcome to the Forum :)

Ramadan Mubarak :)


If you are engaged then please tell him to get married to you as soon as possible.Also, If he forgave you for what you did , Ask Allah forgiveness and forgive yourself, A sin that brings remorse is better than a "good" deed that brings ego. How to make things better?:
First you have to realize it is crucial now to build trust that you have to become an honest person because if you received Forgiveness the first time it is not garunteed you will receive it again. You have to become a more honest and frank person tell him the truth from the beginning and tell the reason and take full responsibilty of what you have done Insha'Allah with self-improvement and God's help you will gain a stronger trust.

Stop interacting with him : I know I just said to say the full Truth but after you do it try your best to not speak to him or take this any further you must be careful in order not to get into other unpleasant circumstances.

Be kind to yourself: you are a Human being we all fall into mistakes, there are some people out there who fell into deeper traps You must never loose hope,with sincere Repentance and a positive outlook insha'Allah God will make things happen in the best way. Work on self-improvement and also try to focus on how to become a better wife and a better mother ( for the future with him God willing).

As he said: Use Ramadan but be sincere in you approach try to do as much good deeds ( especially for other) such a helping people, or giving and participating in Charity.


There's one thing though I have to say regarding the below:

i recommended we both have ruqya, as everyone knew about us and said we made a perfect match. The Raqe told me that I have the evil eye. maybe even magic done. so i have started ruqya properly.

I'm terribly sorry if this may be harsh or a little unpleasant. But, It's not fair to blame others for our actions, Both of you did this willingly no one forced you both to get into anything unpleasant so it's not fair to say that maybe someone gave us the evil eye because ; 1. It's an excuse for us not to take responsibility of our actions. 2.We are accusing people of evil with no proof. 3. It represents evil opinion about others.
Look we all fall into mistakes;It's okay but two wrongs don't make a right; The action done is wrong and blaming others or accusing people of envy because we fell into a mistake is also wrong.

Here's a good Hadeeth:

Anas b. Malik reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Allah is more pleased with the repentance of a servant as he turns towards Him for repentance than this that one amongst you is upon the camel in a waterless desert and there is upon (that camel) his provision of food and drink also and it is lost by him, and he having lost all hope (to get that) lies down in the shadow and is disappointed about his camel and there he finds that camel standing before him. He takes hold of his nose string and then out of boundless joy says: 0 Lord, Thou art my servant and I am Thine Lord. He commits this mistake out of extreme delight.

Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: Had you not committed sins, Allah would have brought into existence a creation that would have committed sin (and Allah) would have forgiven them.


Don't loose hope in the Mercy of The Lord

I'm sorry if I was mean, I'm often wrong so I hope you get better advice from members in this Forum
May God bless you with Eternal Happiness in this World and the Hereafter.

Salaam

[Alpha Dude]

:sl: Sister, if your wali is against it, then there isn't much you can do but accept and move on. If they are and his parents aren't accepting, then he needs to man up and be "firm" with them or leave you altogether.

Forget about all the stuff you've done. They were mistakes. Don't dwell on them.

[Soulja Girl]

:sl:

Love makes you do stupid, crazy stuff that you regret later on.. But everyone makes mistakes.. Just use this blessed month to repent to Allah.. & stop talkin to each other.. If its meant to be, Allah will make a way for you. no one can stop that.. If not, then Allah has someone better for you in store.. :)

:wa:

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[Ukti]

Jazak'Allaah khayr for your replies. May Allaah reward you all ameen.

my wali did agree. he was really happy, until the brother called it all off. His dad said, lets use ramadhan and make lots of dua.. if this is good for them it will get sorted. My dad agreed. but obviously he doesnt feel the same way about it.

He said he forgave me. and i believe Allaah will forgive me too. but i cannot seem to forgive myself. everything i did keeps running through my head, and the lies and the lengths i went to, to cover it up. i feel like such a deceitful sick person.

how do i get his trust back now??

i am going for umrah on the 16th insha'Allaah (alhamdulilah), we are not in touch anymore, because of ramadhan, and plus because we have already done things the wrong way so dont want to go behind our parents backs again. but.. if he decides to continue with this, he will need to use all the time i am away to start convincing his parents again.. but how can he decide to go ahead with it, without me showing him that i am truthful, that i made a huge mistake, and that all his doubts about me being insecure are being worked on etc.

i feel like we both need to kind of know a little bit about what we want, so whilst im there with my family i can do dua and work on them, and whilst he is here, he can do the same. he did say leave it until after ramadhan, but surely he needs to decide or atleast tell me what he is most likely wanting to do. i say this because if we discuss it after i am back, we will then need time to convince our parents again- my dad is thinking of going to pakistan and wants to me go with him. so if his family are happy to progress they will need to come soon after we are back?

i struggle to sleep because i feel so burdened and in so much pain. i am not able to enjoy ramadhan. this whole thing has just drained everything out of me.

[Ukti]

I feel like i need to keep ringing him or texting him (i havent dont worry) to express how sorry and regretful i am, for playing with him and putting him through that! but i cant..

one problem is, before he called it off, he never ever opened up to me. he said he had doubts and was stressed, and because i keep asking him to talk to me, rather than giving him space, he just shut down and called it all over.

after speaking to him the other day, after 3 weeks, he was talking so calmly, and it was the first time he opened up and i got to see what his worries and concerns were. but thats after all the mess of the families now knowing..

[aadil77]

This is what happens when you have these ridiculously long 'engagements' - shaytaan gets engaged too, if your parents were ok with you two getting engaged why didn't you just go ahead and get married?

Delaying the whole marriage process only leads to problems.

[Ukti]

i know, we wanted to have the nikah done as soon as possible to protect ourselves, but my side were like lets just do it all together. you are totally right.. shaytaan got engaged with us too :(

what to do now?

[Ukti]

together.. as in nikah and walima together. at the end of this year..

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

As'Salaamu Alaaykum

It seems that everything was going well, but i guess shaytaan wasnt pleased so he decided to mess things up.

My advice is that you should stop speaking to him either way things seems to get worse, reasons why doubt occurs. as long as their is a third party, insha'Allaah you are to ask whatever you wish to know..

Firstly, you need to get yourself closer to Allaah, this is the month of forgiveness and to increase oneself in goodness. We should forget about everything and focus on our creator. This month should give us the chance to improve ourselves, in patience, trust and hope and to learn to fear our creator the most wise. This is a chance in which we if we focus on and increase our love and emaan, we will be soo strong we will continue to be this way after the month leaves, and how upsetting that is when ramadhaan leaves, dont lose this opportunity.

You should prepare yourself for every salaah, be ready because you will be standing infront of Allaah the most high in full submission, if your going to think about something that just makes you want to hurry the salaah, get it over with, then thats not very good, you should make sincere du'aa after salaah, it will make you fall apart, depressed, cry to Allaah and ask him for forgiveness and seek refuge with him from the shaytaan with sincerety when you feel your about to give in to your desires.

One must discipline themselves, to do things the right way, Allaah puts barakah in it for you, subhaan'Allaah he blesses you because you have obeyed him, how can Allaah bless that which he is displeased with? know that he is the most mercyful.

i apologise but I didnt like when you said your going 'to use ramadhaan' for your situation, yes even Allaah wants whats good for you, ofcourse the month is a blessing a time to gain reward, forgiveness from Allaah, use it for Allaah, for his pleasure, he will then remember you, ask him for what you want but at the same time do what is pleasing to him, be sincere and devoted.

Dont be sad and be strong sis and learn to trust your creator and ask him. For your sins you mentioned, you feel disatisfied and guilty, ask Allaah to hide your sins and ask for forgivness and try not to do the same again and try not to mention your sins to anyone..

you are my du'aa, please also keep me in your du'aa.

[May Ayob]

how do i get his trust back now??

what to do now?

Salaam
Okay , you want to build trust? Then you have to become an honest person ( not that I'm saying you're not please don't get me wrong; I'm probably worst than anyone especially when it comes to honesty) But Honesty as said is the best policy ever. Change and let people around you ( your Parents and Family) notice this positive change.
If you speak to him right now, he'll probably figure that you are in desperate state which is not good for the situation nor for your Marriage; What to do would be doing the right thing no matter how hard it seems to be ask God help and He will help you. You just need to say it right away say the truth what you did and why you did it; because this is the only way you will build trust if you don't confess he will start having doubts and therefore not trust you and the shaytan will give him bad idea's about you, so you need to speak in sincere honesty and make a promise to God and to this person that you will not ( within your best ability) return into doing what you did.

And Have Hope, Smile Insha' Allah everything will turn Good. Just pray and follow the advice sister Jewel of Wisdom gave you, Enhance your relationship with Allah because He is the controller of the hearts and He is the only One who can make you Fiance ( may I say?) trust you again.

Best wishes, Ramadan Mubarak :)

[Salahudeen]

You're in the worst place at the moment, but it gets better after a while, the addiction starts to wear off and the intense emotions become lighter, people are sometimes like drugs, the more time you spend talking/mixing with them the harder it is to break away from them and when you do you feel really sick and all you want to do is get back in touch with them so you can get your daily dosage of them, but you have to fight it I guess and like all addictions it wears off and you feel better with time.

I think you should just go through your parents from now on when it comes to corresponding with potential marriage partners because then you protect yourself emotionally, relationships can be devastating and cause you to age alot from stress and worry, try to relax and just look to the future and not dwell on what's happened. and for this situation you're in leave it on Allah,


do istikhara and if things don't work out then it wasn't meant to be for whatever reason only Allah knows. Maybe he would have made you miserable in marriage allah hu alam but Allah would only do what's best for you so don't worry and think you've lost the 1 person who you was meant to be with cos that isn't the case.

[Ukti]

He said he has forgiven me for what I did, because he knows I was in an extreme state. but how can i be sure? how can i make sure this doesnt affect his decision going forward?

he said he looks at the whole year we have known one another and see's the good in me. although he has doubts about certain things, but what is keeping him is that last year and how good we were and could be.

why do i feel like i still need to make amends. what if this situation is in the back of his head, nagging him, and i need to show him that i made a huge mistake and i accept what i did, and it was wrong.. explain how hurt i was and what led me to do it..

[Yanal]

Asalam alaikum,

First off,Ramadhan Mubarak to you and your family.In this holy month of ramadhaan we should try our very best to try to connect with Allaah in all regards and that to with the best of our abilities. We should utilize this month in doing as many good deeds as we possibly can.For now,both of you should concentrate on the month of Ramadhan and try to put this issue aside for a little while. Let the situation calm down,let both of you think about what occured and why it occured. Then perhaps after Ramadhan you could try to resolve the situation of crisis that you are in. Regarding the matter of trust,it in my opinion was wrong to lie to him even after you knew that he had the knowledge of the email being sent by yourself...however theres no use in crying over spilt milk,insha'Allaah as Allaah permits you will regain his trust over time,be patient however and honest at the same time in order to acheive the best results for yourself. This could very well be a test from Allaah,a testimony to your emaan. Allaah only tests the people he wants to test,just be patient and honest and insha'Allaah everything will be alright.

May Allaah help all of us,and forgive us for the wrongdoing that we have committed throughout our lives.ameen.

[Hamza Asadullah]

He said he has forgiven me for what I did, because he knows I was in an extreme state. but how can i be sure? how can i make sure this doesnt affect his decision going forward?

he said he looks at the whole year we have known one another and see's the good in me. although he has doubts about certain things, but what is keeping him is that last year and how good we were and could be.

why do i feel like i still need to make amends. what if this situation is in the back of his head, nagging him, and i need to show him that i made a huge mistake and i accept what i did, and it was wrong.. explain how hurt i was and what led me to do it..

Asalaamu Alaikum, sister you really need to stop blaming yourself. its not like you are the only one to be blamed for this. Firstly as you know you let shaythan into your interactions. From there it is always going to be chaos.

You were driven to do what you did because of the fact that he lost interest in you after you got into a relationship with him. Obviously if you are so close to someone in that way and they start ignoring you then it will drive you to do something crazy. So you are both to blame not just you. He clearly lost interest in you and started having doubts in his heart about your relationship together.

It is clear that you are still not thinking straight. You do not need to go to desperate lengths to try and prove anything to him. Just leave things as they are. You will only make things worse if you try to contact him. Have you not done enough damage by having haraam interactions?

So sister just leave it be. Just because you got engaged to someone it does not mean that they are destined for you. That is why there is no such thing as engagement in Islam there is only nikah. It is clear that it maybe destiny that the both of you are not meant to be. You need to start accepting that you and him may never get to marriage. You need to also accept that whatever Allah decides will happen and it maybe that if you do marry him things will get worse and your marriage will end in divorce as is the case with most marriages which start off in a haraam way.

Therefore you need to start looking after your heart now and start accepting the fact that it may never happen and if it does then it was best for you but if it was'nt then Allah has someone better in store for you. You are not helping yourself by wanting to contact him in desperation. You must wake up into reality now. The dreams you had with him were just dreams and may never become reality. Reality is very different. It maybe that there is someone better for you out there.

So you must astop blaming yourself because things went wrong a long time before you caused that incident. It was not just your dojng but his aswell. So the steps you must take is to ask of Allah sincerely to do what is best for you. Do not ask him to marry him to you but ask him to marry him to you if it is best for the both of you. After that leave your trust with Allah. Surely he will do what is best for you.

Sister don't let this or anything else ruin your Ramadan. This month is too important to waste for anyone or anything. Therefore make the best of each precious second of this most blessed month. Use this precious month to get closer to Allah. Subhaanallah you are so blessed that Allah has given you the opportunity to go to his house in Makkah. Not many get that chance especially in this blessed month of Ramadan. So see that as a true blessing.

The past is the past. We learn from our failures not our succeses. Whatever has happened has happened now. Repent sincerely with remorse and intention never to repeat such an act again and you will find Allah most merciful. Look forward now not back. Tomorrow is another day and yesterday is long gone.

Just put your FULL faith, reliance, trust and hopes in Allah and leave everything to him. If you leave all of your affairs to him then you will accept the outcome as the best thing for you.

May Allah do what is best for you. Ameen

[Ukti]

I am really hurting today. my heart really really hurts!

so many thoughts, questions, things i want to say/know running through my head.

i feel a huge physical void in my chest.

im unable to leave the house in fear of someone asking me how my 'engagement' is going. friends are calling/texting me and i dont have it in my to reply.

my family are all broken too- mum and dad never have got on. all my life they have fought one another. my family dont talk to my sister who got married. my brother and his wife seperated from us.

i have no peace at home.

i was sexually abused as a child by my cousin. my dad physically and verbally abused us all

my mum is still so volatile.

im just a mess. messed up. broken. lost.

[Ukti]

Im mentally tired and worn out.

[Ukti]

I have decided I want to do umrah on his behalf. because i feel that bad and feel its the only way i can make up for my bad deed. insha'Allaah he will get the reward of doing umrah in the month of ramadhan.

is this ok, does anyone know?

[Hamza Asadullah]

I have decided I want to do umrah on his behalf. because i feel that bad and feel its the only way i can make up for my bad deed. insha'Allaah he will get the reward of doing umrah in the month of ramadhan.

is this ok, does anyone know?

Sister he is nothing to you. You and him are not even legal for each other right now so why would you do that? What have you dfone to him so great that you are feeling this way? You are just feeling lost right now and i think Umrah would be perfect for you to go and clear your head. Do Umrah not for anyone else but for the pleasure of Allah. You own him NOTHING. You and him had a haraam relationship and now its over. Everything happens for the best.

You should accept that whatever is destined for you will be the best for you. Do you not trust in Allah's decisions and his decree>? Does he not know what is best for you? Therefore put your FULL trust in him and stop blaming yourself for the both of you are to blame for getting into a haraam relationship in the first place. It is NOT your fault what is happening but it is what was meant to happen.

My sister please come back into reality now and realise that you are wasting your time thinking about him and what has happened because nothing from the past can change but what you should be concentrating on is NOW - The present. That is what matters. Repent sincerely to Allah and strive to get closer to him in this precious month. He is giving you an amazing gift by inviting you to his house in Makkah so thank him and thank him also for whatever has happened in this situation because it may be that he has saved you from getting even more hurt and ruining your life if you were to end up with him.

So my sister put your FULL trust in Allah and accept whatever happens as being the best for you. Do not waste anymore seconds of this precious month for it could be your last. This time is too important to waste. So let no more time be wasted now for these seconds that we waste in this month will be a cause for utter regret in the hereafter.

[Salahudeen]

@ the op stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself, it takes two to tango as the saying goes. :hmm:

[Ukti]

Yes it does.. But I'm the one that played a sick game with him. And said something had happened to me, and then went to great lengths to cover it up. I am consumed with guilt and self hatred :(

[Salahudeen]

Yes it does.. But I'm the one that played a sick game with him. And said something had happened to me, and then went to great lengths to cover it up. I am consumed with guilt and self hatred :(

Emotions make us do crazy things that we would never usually do, I know in the past I've said something based upon emotions and I've regretted it later and would never had said it had my emotions not been going crazy.

The point is we all do stuff we wouldn't normally do when our emotions get the better of us so don't beat yourself up, yeah you did something wrong but he isn't exactly free of blame also, one could argue that, had he stopped himself from getting into the relationship with you then you would never have had the opportunity to play the "sick game" in the first place.

So it's not completely your fault, women do crazy things for men because they have such strong feelings of love.

[Salahudeen]

Yes it does.. But I'm the one that played a sick game with him. And said something had happened to me, and then went to great lengths to cover it up. I am consumed with guilt and self hatred :(

I know how you feel when you mention guilt, but use that guilt as your motivation to live a righteous life and a constant reminder to never get involved in something like this again. Use the guilt to make repentance, it's very good you feel guilty as repentance is remorse, if you didn't care then it would be worrying but the fact you feel guilt is good because it shows you have emaan alhamdulilah.

You learn to live with the guilt, it never really leaves you and you never stop feeling sick when you think about it however it serves as a constant reminder and you never let yourself fall into the same situation again because of it. Without guilt there'd be nothing stopping you from doing it all again so it's good.

If the guilt reduces you to tears it's very good time to ask Allah for forgiveness, even in the future when you look back and think "How could I have done that, how did I let that happen" use moments like that to repent to Allah again for your short comings.

The trials we go through shape us as individuals and if we never went through them we wouldn't be the person we are today, maybe this sin will take you to paradise because you feel so guilty that you will all ways live a righteous life from here on in.

And for the heartache maybe you could make du'a to Allah to heal your heart and remove the pain you're feeling.

Trust me when I say you'll learn to cope with the guilt you just have to give it time and make lots of repentance, I once felt so much guilt I started to get grey hairs and age, I would think to myself, "this guilt will never ever leave me" but I learned to live with it eventually and you will also inshaAllah.

And after a while it won't have any impact upon you when you think back, you'll just know that what you done was wrong but the feelings of guilt won't be as strong as they are now so it gets better believe me.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Yes it does.. But I'm the one that played a sick game with him. And said something had happened to me, and then went to great lengths to cover it up. I am consumed with guilt and self hatred :(

Sister as i mentioned in my previous post you were driven to do it because he started ignoring you. If are couple are so far in their relationship and suddenly one person starts ignoring the other then obviously it will drive the other person to desperation. That is why he does not blame you because he is the one who started ignoring you. You need to wake up and see that.

You should be more guilty about the fact that you had a haraam relationship and so you should resolve never to do such a thing again. Thats what you should be guilty about not the fact that you were driven to do something out of character.

So sister ask of Allah for forgiveness and thank him for getting you out of such a relationship. Surely he has done the best for you in this situation and you should really thank him for that and use this opportunity in Ramadan to get closer to him. You own that guy NOTHING. You owe Allah everything. So devote yourself to Allah and put your FULL trust in him. He will do what is best for you.

[Ukti]

Salaam

I need your help. Im really worried,

I think i have no taqwa or emaan. I say this because although i verbally pray, do dhikr, nothing happens to me. i am unable to cry out of fear for my sins. i have lost tawakul. why cant i trust in Allaah?

do i really want paradise? if so, why am i not striving for it? or is it because i dont really believe in it!

what the hell is wrong with me.

im such a hypocrite.

[Salahudeen]

Salaam

I need your help. Im really worried,

I think i have no taqwa or emaan. I say this because although i verbally pray, do dhikr, nothing happens to me. i am unable to cry out of fear for my sins. i have lost tawakul. why cant i trust in Allaah?

do i really want paradise? if so, why am i not striving for it? or is it because i dont really believe in it!

what the hell is wrong with me.

im such a hypocrite.

The very fact you're worried shows you have taqwa and emaan, if you had none you wouldn't be worried about it. You're not a hypocrite, a hypocrite in Islam is someone who conceals their disbelieve and pretends to be a believer but really they laugh at the Muslims for believing and try to misguide them. This isn't you so don't worry.

I think the problem is you're just really stressed out atm and you need to take it easy, relax and stop worrying so much. When you're really stressed you can't do anything properly so just try to relax and make a fresh start.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salaam

I need your help. Im really worried,

I think i have no taqwa or emaan. I say this because although i verbally pray, do dhikr, nothing happens to me. i am unable to cry out of fear for my sins. i have lost tawakul. why cant i trust in Allaah?

do i really want paradise? if so, why am i not striving for it? or is it because i dont really believe in it!

what the hell is wrong with me.

im such a hypocrite.

My sister you have gone through trauma recently and so that is why you are feeling this way. But you must internalise in your mind that NOTHING can happen without the will of Allah. EVERYTHING happens by his permission. So you should look at what happened to you as a blessing. Allah helped you. He did not abandon you. So return to him and strive to get closer to him. Ask of Allah in your dua's sincerely for forgiveness and for Allah to help you get through this.

You should look at this as it was not meant to be. it is easy to say move on but let time do the healing. Time will heal your heart but you just have to give your heart time for it to sink in what has happened.

You know that have done a very big error in getting into a relationship because you and i both know that a relationship is NOT a guarantee for marriage. We should not give our love, affection and our all to a relationship partner but ONLY to our marriage partner. Unfortunatley in life we all have to learn from our errors and mistakes and this is what you are going to have to do.

Whatever has happened has happened now and you cannot turn back time. We all want to go back and do things differently but life is such that we make mistakes and we learn from them. We learn from our failures NOT our successes. If we all succeeded in life then how will we ever become better people? How will we ever grow as individuals if we never made mistakes. You need to think of this relationship as a mistake that you have made because it was just that. You should ONLY have ever fallen for your marriage partner and falling for a guy outside of marriage is a grave sin and you only have yourself to blame so we cannot sugar coat this for you. Many go through what you are going through and it is all because they chose to get into relationships outside of marriage.

You need to think to yourself that if you followed Islam and obeyed Allah none of this would have happened so therefore see this as a big error that you have made in your life in that you fell for someone outside of marriage. Look at it as you tried your best but that it was just not meant to be in your kismat because whatever is decreed for us will happen and the fact that you tried evrything but it did not go through proves that it was just not meant to be.

As humans we all think that we know what is best for us in life. A person falls into a relationship, they create false hopes and dreams together imagining and talking about a life together forever and having babies etc. But this is just a bubble and a world that the couple create with each other which usually ends up being just a dream and the bubble bursts when reality hits. We as humans think we know what is best for us but the fact is we don't! ONLY Allah knows what is best so therefore we must do EVERYTHING to please him and refrain from EVERYTHING that displeases him and causes his wrath and anger!

We need to accept that because something is not meant for us that maybe it is because it is not best for us. I have heard of SO many stories of couples who were together in a relationship long before marriage and when they got married things just went so wrong and they ended up either miserable or divorced. This is because such marriage started off in a haraam way so they have NO peace or blessings in them. If we want the help of Allah and if we want Allah to put peace and blessings into whatever we do in life then we MUST do things in the right way in order to please him otherwise we will end up being miserable and unhappy. So maybe if you did marry him then reality would have hit you and you would have ended up having a terribley miserable marriage which would have ended bitterly in divorce. If children are involved then it is all the more nastier.

So i think you should thank Allah that he has done what is best for you even though it is difficult because you have been with him for so long but you must accept that Allah knows best and maybe Allah saved you from a potentially miserable life! Whatever is not meant for us then it is always the case that Allah has soemthing better in store for us.

I do know of MANY who have had relationships and break ups before marriage and after they got married they realised that they were only living in a dream world with that person and that in reality they are so thank ful to Allah that Allah found them the best partner. The love before marriage and after marriage is very different. Once you are married inshallah you will realise what true love is. You will also realise that you were only ever living in a dream world and that you have now woken up.

Here is what you can do to get over what has happened:

1. Accept what has happened and accept that it has happened because you disobeyed Allah and decided to have a relationship outside of marriage even though you knew it was wrong. Accept that you were in the wrong but that you have fallen into error and that you have learnt from this mistake and have become a MUCH better and wiser person out of this. Accept that we learn from our failures and NOT our successes!

2. Once you have accepted that it was your own fault and that you could easily have decided not to get into it then you must also accept that you did try your best but whatever will happen in your life will happen if it is decreed. It is clear that it was not decreed so it did not happen. Therefore accept that whatever Allah decrees is the best for you whether you like it or not because we as humans know not what is best for us. Maybe Allah saved you from a life of misery.

3. Once you have accepted that this was the consequances of your own choices that you made and that it was not in your decree to be with him and that whatever is decreed in our lives is the best for us then you must try to move forward with your life because death will not wait for anyone and wasting more time and more of your precious seconds that you have left will ONLY be of detriment to you because we ONLY have one chance which is our life and our once chance can end at ANY second. If you continuously waste more time on something which was never decreed for you then surely you will regret it forever if not in this life then definatley the next!

4. Make the necessery mental changes in having a fresh new start to your life and you can do this by firstly changing your number/s. Change your e mail address/es. Get rid of any social networks that you are on. Get rid of any pictures of him or present of gifts that he gave to you or anything that reminds you of him. Inernalise that you want to make a fresh start with your life and that you want to move on and progress. realise that death is near and that you cannot waste anymore time on that which was not meant for you. Accept that Allah has something better in store for you!

5. Time is the best healer. Once you have taken all these steps then let time heal your heart. The way you think will affect the speed of your recovery. You need to get your heart to accept the above 4 steps and once you have then recovery will be quicker.

6. You need to focus your mind on the purpose of your life. Allah did not create you to follow your own desires in life but he created you for one purpose and ONLY one purpose and that is to worship him. This should be your new focus in life which is to please Allah and you should strive to do EVERYTHING you can to get closer to him and to please him. You should also realise that Allah ONLY wants what is best for you and he took you out of this because he has something better in store for you!

Hope my advice has helped in some way. Know that Allah is wanting you to be close to him so will you not take a small step towards Allah that he may take a huge step towards you? Desire to be closer to Allah and to do EVERYTHING to please him. Continue to repent for what you have done and ask of Allah to help you through this hard time. Always share how you feel with Allah for your heart will feel MUCH better in doing so. Strive to be closer to Allah in established all of your fard obligations to him.

Also do much nafils and recite the Qur'an along with its meanings to understand what Allah is telling us in the Qur'an. Learn as much about Islam as possible and most of all ALWAYS busy yourself with the remembrance of Allah in glorifying and praising him as well as pondering and contemplating over his creations. The more you remember Allah the quicker your heart will heal!

Join a local sisters Islamic circle and involve yourself with Islamic events, activities and be with good and pious sisters. Serve your parents as much as possible for they ONLY want the best for you and serving ones parents is of the BEST of ALL deeds. NEVER even raise your voice to your parents for they have been given the highest status by Allah, The way we treat our parents is how our parents will treat us. Therefore treat your parents the best and if shaythan tries to create enmity in your heart that seek refuge with Allah for shaythan is your eternal enemy and only wants you to be destroyed. He wants you to waste your time and life over the past and does NOT want you to move on. He wants to prevent you from progressing in life and in your deen. He does not want you to go towards Allah so will you not reject your sworn enemy?

Therefore my sister let now be the start of a whole new chapter in your life where you can progress and move forward gradually. There is no time to waste my sister and there will be times where you will find it hard but with Allah you will find peace and contentment but with shaythan all you will find is misery and discontent. Therefore if you want to get healed then go towards Allah and strive to please him and make him the happiest. Ask of him to help you through this and in every aspect of your life. Repent to him always and ask of him to heal your heart. If you put your FULL faith, trust, reliance and hopes in Allah then you will find this is enough for you and your heart will heal and be replaced with the love for Allah and his messenger.

So do not feel that you are a hypocrite sister and make the best of each precious second in this most blessed month to get closer to Allah because he wants you closer to him. Subhaanallah! He is giving you this opportunity to be closer to him so will you not take it? Will you not grab this opportunity? So trust in him and put your FULL reliance in him. Know that he listens to your prayers and is closer to you than your jugular vein.

I pray that Allah heals your heart and makes you of his close servants. I pray he finds you the best partner that will lead you towards success in this life and the next and i pray he helps you through this and every aspect of your life. Please also remember me in your dua's.

Here are some very beneficial lectures to help you get closer to Allah and realise your purpose in life:

This Could Change Your Life Forever!

http://www.gawaher.com/index.php?showtopic=731837.html&

Here are some very beneficial lectures which you and your siblings should listen to, to increase your imaan and fear of Allah:

Remembrance: ask Allah for his forgiveness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-EK9r3rMzQ


Angel of Death!!! - Sheikh Ahmed Ali

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUzRJXlB2uA

HARD HITTING Lecture on HELLFIRE & the Day of JUDGEMENT! يوم القيامة والجحيم

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O6L_fBk7VM

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 1/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWTehIeCOUU

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 2/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXTtk7rWx_U

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 3/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmiD86w9fBc


Islam - Punishment of the Grave by Sheikh Riyadh ul Haq

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWb-hYIm2WE

Death and the Grave by Murtaza Khan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r2nzJVecqo

How can we not appreciate what we have after watching this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkEBUC0APMg[/QUOTE]

AMAZING short speech -"The Goodly Life"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fugf1DcNyc

[Ukti]

Jazak'Allaah khayr for your reply brother. Your reward is with Allaah, and may He reward you abundantly, may He reward you with jannatul firdous. AMEEN.

The thing is brother, it actually hasn't been called off between us yet. So im kind of in limbo. His father said to mine, we will talk after ramadhan and your umrah trip, just make lots of dua over there.

And last week the brother said the same thing to me... he said he's not 100%, and we need Allaah to change the hearts of our families (because alot has happened), he said we would need a miracle but only Allaah can make it happen.

He basically said lets just put our full trust in Allaah.. if its meant to be, He will make it easy, and if it isnt, we'll both have to walk away..

[Ukti]

Can you advise me now please?

:(

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Can you advise me now please?

:(

As'Salaamu Alaaykum

sure sis! reading from your last post i understand that you now need to continue to seek the pleasure of Allaah from this blessed month, to have patience. Sabarun Jameel-beautiful patience.

i tried searching for the thread 'beautiful patience', i cant seem to find it, insha'Allaah if someone does please do post it here..

[Hamza Asadullah]

Jazak'Allaah khayr for your reply brother. Your reward is with Allaah, and may He reward you abundantly, may He reward you with jannatul firdous. AMEEN.

The thing is brother, it actually hasn't been called off between us yet. So im kind of in limbo. His father said to mine, we will talk after ramadhan and your umrah trip, just make lots of dua over there.

And last week the brother said the same thing to me... he said he's not 100%, and we need Allaah to change the hearts of our families (because alot has happened), he said we would need a miracle but only Allaah can make it happen.

He basically said lets just put our full trust in Allaah.. if its meant to be, He will make it easy, and if it isnt, we'll both have to walk away..

Asalaamu Alaikum, My sister surely you came here for a reason and that is for you to know that you should put your FULL trust in Allah no matter what the outcome. Sister i know you had a relationship with him before marriage and because of that you developed feelings for him etc but surely the signs that things were not working out were already there. But it is just that you did not want to see it. You were blind at the time and hopefully now your eyes will open.

Sister you admitted that things were going so wrong before marriage so how could they improve after marriage? Things get much harder after marriage sister. You can see the signs now which is a blessing but many do not see the signs and when they get married they find out when it is too late. The signs that this relationship was never going to work out were apparent early on sister theres no denying that.

Just because you were engaged and had a relationship then it does not mean that you are destined for each other and it also does not mean that you are best for each other. Is it not a blessing from Allah that he may possibly save you from a potentially terrible marriage? How many people are lucky enough to be saved from such a marriage? Not many because many learn the hard way but you are possibly being saved from such a marriage. So thank Allah.

Do NOT ask Allah for both of you to marry because as i said it may be that you will have a terrible marriage together because all the signs are there but ask Allah to do what is best for the both of you. Then leave your affairs with Allah. Who else can we trust in this world but Allah? Who is better to be trusted than the one who created us? The one who gave us everything we can imagine.

The Almighty says, "Put your trust in the Living who does not, die" (25:58) and the Almighty says, "So let the believers put their trust in Allah," (W14:14; H14:11)


Surely he is the BEST one to trust all of our affairs to. If we put our trust in a human then there is always a chance they may break that trust because they are human and they have their flaws, but Allah has NO flaws and he CANNOT break a trust. So put your FULKL trust in him of all of your affairs in your life. Rely upon him for he will do what is best for you.

The Almighty says, "Whoever puts his trust in Allah; He will be enough for him." (65:3)

The Almighty says, "The believers are those whose hearts tremble when Allah is mentioned, whose faith is increased when His Signs are mentioned to them, and who put their trust in their Lord." (8:2)

NOTHING can happen without the will of Allah and those who trust in him accept his decree no matter what because they know that his decision is the best decision. Surely we do not know what is best for us but the one who created us knows what is best for us in every aspect of our lives from borth until death.

'Umar (RA) said, "I heard the Messenger of Allah, (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) say, "If you were to rely on Allah as He should be relied on, He would provide for you as He provides for the birds. They go out in the morning hungry and return in the evening full." [at-Tirmidhi]

So my sister put your full trust in Allah and knows that his decision will not only be the right decision but the BEST decision for the both of you.

You are so lucky you are going Umrah. Im very jealous lol. Even after everything that has happened Allah has blessed you to invite you to heaven on Earth. Subhaaanallah you should be so thankful and excited. You should make the best of now and every second of this precious month and prepare for this amazing journey. Do you know how much reward it is to do Umra in Ramadan?

Ibn Abbaas said: The Messenger of Allaah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said to a woman from among the Ansaar – Ibn Abbaas mentioned her name but I forgot it – “What kept you from performing Hajj with us?” She said: We only have two camels and the father of her son and her son had gone for Hajj on one camel, and he left us the other camel so that we could carry water on it. He said: “When Ramadan comes, go for Umrah, for Umrah in (that month) is equivalent to Hajj.”[/COLOR] (Al-Bukhari: 1782, Muslim: 1256)

Subhaanallah, you will gain the reward of Hajj for doing Umrah in Ramadan. What a blessing and how lucky you are.

So my sister you can ease your mind now because all of your affairs are with Allah and he will decide the best outcome. If you do end up marrying him then it was the best for you but if you do not then Allah has someone better in store for you.

But you must not waste a second more of this blessed month. It is far too precious to waste. This may well be our last Ramadan for life is so uncertain and death can strike at any second for each one of us. Therefore you must make every effort to get closer to Allah by worshipping him as much as possible. This is our opprtunity to increase our imaan and fear of Allah and to gain his pleasure. So remember Allah no matter what you do and focus on your goal which is to make the best of your precious seconds in this month and for te rest of your life until death.

Here are some Ramadan threads that will help you to maximise every second in this precious month inshallah:

12 Ways to Maximise everyday in Ramadan

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...y-ramadan.html

15 Good deeds to do throughout Ramadan

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...t-ramadan.html

9 things a Women on Menses can do in Ramadan

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...o-ramadan.html

The inner dimensions of fasting

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...must-read.html


If you need anymore help or advice then please do not hesitate to ask. Please do remember me in your dua's. Ma'asalaam

[Ukti]

Brothers and sisters please help me! I feel like contacting him. I want to say sorry. I want to clarify things. but i know i cannot... im struggling. nothing is making me feel better. i dont know what to do :(

[Alpha Dude]

He'll probably be annoyed if you do contact him. Just leave it. Concentrate on preparing for Umrah.

[Yanal]

Brothers and sisters please help me! I feel like contacting him. I want to say sorry. I want to clarify things. but i know i cannot... im struggling. nothing is making me feel better. i dont know what to do :(

Asalam alaikum sister,

You may feel the urge of that temptation but I advise you to try to think about something else,such as Ramadhan. Instead of grieving over this relationship,you should try to slowly forget about him and keep up in your ibaadath towards Allah. Allah has blessed us with this holy month upon us once aagain,we don't know if it will be our last,so please treat it like your last,and try to concentrate on this and the fact that you will be going on Umrah soon,may Allah accept it. I know it will be hard at first,but once your mind dwells on other things in reality,you will slowly forget about him,insha'Allaah.

Try not to stress your mind with the thoughts of how you could've been,the brother you were with is now gone. You thought he was the right man for you at that time of your life but you were wrong,as previously stated on this thread,Allah knows whats best for you,and perhaps he has the best in store for you in the hereafter.Allah will bring a better pious brother for you,insha'Allaah in the future as he wills and as time permits.Its okay to feel like you may have been the one to mess up,your showing the responsibility for your mistakes,but you also must accept the fact that your not the only one at fault and that your a good person.

Insha'Allaah ,just remember after a hardship comes ease,you are in my duas sister,and I hope im in yours.

[Ukti]

Jazak'Allaah khayr for your reply brothers.

Thats the thing though.. he hasnt gone. yet. it hasnt been called off. So thats why i feel in this state, because i know there is still a chance, and I want to make up for my actions.

I dont feel like i am a good person anymore

[Yanal]

Jazak'Allaah khayr for your reply brothers.

Thats the thing though.. he hasnt gone. yet. it hasnt been called off. So thats why i feel in this state, because i know there is still a chance, and I want to make up for my actions.

I dont feel like i am a good person anymore

Ahh,but dwelling on the guilt won't help you,it will only mentally depreieve you,if it is to be then Allah will make it to be,Allah knows what is best for each one of his believers,and whatever he wills will happen,eventually. You must put your faith in him,he will not let you down as he knows what is good for you and what isn't,insha'Allaah just keep that in mind and things will eventually start to get better before you know it.

[Ukti]

Ramadhan is supposed to make me strong. i am trying and making so much dua, but i still feel so weak.

i want ramadhan to be my strength, i want it to make me strong and bring me closer to Allaah- so i can put my full trust in Him.

but i feel so weak. a huge void in my heart. i cant do anything wholeheartedly. i really dont want to be like this when i visit Allaahs house!

[Ukti]

Im so incredibly hurt. Does he know see how hurt I am?

[ardianto]

Im so incredibly hurt. Does he know see how hurt I am?

He knows you hurt.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Im so incredibly hurt. Does he know see how hurt I am?

My sister the both of you are hurt and it is because you gave your hearts to each other before marriage. We are only destined to be with our marriage partners and getting into relationships is not only a major sin but a huge risk as a relationship is not a guarantee that both will marry.

Sister whatever has happened in the past has happened now and you must accept that you were in great error to ever get into such a relationship before marriage and that is why you are in so much pain right now. But you must learn from this and ask of Allah to ease the pain in your heart. Time is the best healer but it can be quickened by putting your FULL trust in Allah and knowing that he will do what is best for you.

Put your trust in him and know that he knows best in all matters. If he created you then he knows what is best for his creations. Larn from the past and take lessons from it.

Please read my post again where i give you advice of how to get through this. I hope you find comfort from the words of Almighty Allah:

Verily, with the hardship,
there is relief
(i.e. there is one hardship with two reliefs, so one hardship cannot overcome two reliefs). [ Al-Inshirah 94:6]

"Peace unto you for that ye persevered in patience! Now how excellent is the final home!"
Excellent indeed is the final home!" [ Ar-Rad 13:24]

"...Do not regard it an evil to you;
nay, it is good for you...." [An- Nuur 24:11]

"...So put your trust (in Allaah)
if ye are indeed believers." [Al-Maida 5:23]

"O ye who believe!
Seek help in steadfastness
and prayer.
Lo! Allaah is with the steadfast." [Al-Baqarah 2:153]

"And certainly,
We shall test you with something
of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits,
but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).
Who, when afflicted with calamity,
say: "Truly! To Allaah we belong
and truly, to Him we shall return." [ Al-Baqara 2: 155~156]

"And He will provide him
from (sources)
He never could imagine.
And whosoever puts his trust in Allaah,
then HE will suffice him.
Verily, Allaah will accomplish his purpose.
Indeed Allaah has set a measure for all things." [ At-Talaq 65:3]

"Verily We have created man
into toil and struggle." [ Al-Balad 90:4]

Know that when you have problems or in difficulty, then it is by Allaah's permission for HE says:

"Say: "Nothing shall ever happen to us
except what Allaah has ordained for us.
He is our Maula (Lord, Helper and Protector)."
And in Allaah
let the believers put their trust." [At-Taubah 9:51]

"No kind of calamity can occur,
except by the leave of Allaah
And if any one believes in Allaah,
{Allaah} guides his heart (aright):
for Allaah knows all things." [At-Taghabun 64:11]

"...There did Allaah give you one distress after another
by way of requital
to teach you not to grieve
for that which had escaped you,
nor for that which had befallen you.
And Allaah is Well Aware of all that you do." [Al-Imran 3:153]