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anonymous
08-02-2011, 09:54 PM
There is a brother I kno who wants to marry. He prays 5 times a day and had good knowledge. Only problem is he doesn't have much money as he just spends his money. he can't seem to save. He cannot afford a place of his own to rent but can offer me live with his aunty until he is stable. We are not married but he refuses to give me his money to look after or even his family members. Before becoming pious he took a loan which he is still paying off.
He gives a lot of dawah and helps people come towards Islam.

But he told me he would like to go see his parents everyday and he plays a lot of sport and goes Islamic classes. Even on weekend he wants to see his family in evenings. I think this is excessive as it seems he can't support me nor make the time I want from a husband. Shall I decline this proposal or an I demanding?
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Alpha Dude
08-03-2011, 07:06 AM
I don't think it's demanding to want some sort of security. However, nobody can answer for you. Pray Salatul Istikarah.
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aadil77
08-03-2011, 03:16 PM
Character wise he sounds like a pious brother, but I can only advise you to be wary about this offer to live with his aunty. As a man he should not be depending on others for support, living in his aunties home will put you in situation where you'll be in debt to her and she might have high expectations from you in terms of doing work for her.

Also from what you've described he sounds like a brother who occupies a lot of his time in islamic work and other activities, which is not a problem, but there are such people who spend excessive time in daw'ah and islamic classes but instead of finding work they choose live off benefits and govt support. Just take these factors into account when making your decision sis, all depends on what lifestyle you'd like to live and how much you can adjust.
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 03:46 PM
Do I have the right to my own house? Please use quotes from Quran or Hadith.
He wanted me to live with his parents, a younger brother lives there and his sister comes round everyday with her two children. It's a bit much so he said his aunties which is better than his parents house.

Also he has a full time job so he won't live off benefits but I'm afraid that him going to Islamic classes and giving dawah he will neglect me. I tell him he shouldn't go so much when married but then he accuses me of taking him away from Islam!!!

Isitkahra from his side (someone else did it) came out positive. So what shall I do?
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aadil77
08-03-2011, 04:07 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
Do I have the right to my own house? Please use quotes from Quran or Hadith.
He wanted me to live with his parents, a younger brother lives there and his sister comes round everyday with her two children. It's a bit much so he said his aunties which is better than his parents house.

Also he has a full time job so he won't live off benefits but I'm afraid that him going to Islamic classes and giving dawah he will neglect me. I tell him he shouldn't go so much when married but then he accuses me of taking him away from Islam!!!

Isitkahra from his side (someone else did it) came out positive. So what shall I do?

If he has a stable income and you think he'll eventually be able to provide you with a home then I'd say go for it. Try not to worry about his other activities, he'll learn to balance things out once you're married.

Make sure you do your own istikhara too
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aadil77
08-03-2011, 04:16 PM
Here's a link about the right to having your own accomodation:

http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/144557
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Alpha Dude
08-03-2011, 04:18 PM
Also he has a full time job so he won't live off benefits but I'm afraid that him going to Islamic classes and giving dawah he will neglect me. I tell him he shouldn't go so much when married but then he accuses me of taking him away from Islam!!!
Giving dawah and going to classes are obviously reward-worthy but it is also important to set the family affairs in order.

From hadith, we are told that the best of men are those who are kindest to their wives. Spending quality time with wife is an act of kindness. He should be told that InshaAllah he'd earn reward if he were to spend time with you, over other commitments (he can cut back on non-deeni stuff, at least).

Isitkahra from his side (someone else did it) came out positive. So what shall I do?
You're the one who is in confusion here, it would be better if you did it yourself or got someone pious you know to do it on your behalf.
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 04:18 PM
It's a big step as I'll be moving 3 hours away from
Family and friends.
In the past two years I have known him he has never saved and his family are slight interferers!!
He also says his friends and family are his priority over me.
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 04:21 PM
What Hadith does it say beat reward comes from spending time with wife. Please quote.
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Alpha Dude
08-03-2011, 04:22 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
It's a big step as I'll be moving 3 hours away from
Family and friends.
In the past two years I have known him he has never saved and his family are slight interferers!!
He also says his friends and family are his priority over me.
What do you want people to say here, sister? It's your choice, at the end of the day. Nobody can decide for you. It actually seems you already dislike the idea of marrying him. Possibly want us to confirm this for you so you've listed out some of what you think are his negative attributes?

Like I said, do istikhara and go from there.
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 04:26 PM
Yea I guess so.
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Alpha Dude
08-03-2011, 04:47 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
What Hadith does it say beat reward comes from spending time with wife. Please quote.
I didn't say best reward comes from spending time with wife. I said best amongst men is the one who is kindest to his wife. :)

Hadhrat Aisha (R.A.) reports that Rasulullah (saw) said, “One of those Iman is the most complete is he whose behavior is best towards his wife and who is most compassionate.” (Mishkat pg. 282)

Hadhrat Aisha (R.A.) narrates that Nabi (sallahllahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “The best of you is he who is the best towards his wife, and I am the best towards my wives.” (Mishkaat pg.281)
Quoted here.
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
08-03-2011, 04:55 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
What Hadith does it say beat reward comes from spending time with wife. Please quote.
As'Salaamu Alaaykum

There is a hadeeth where the Prophet (Sallaahu 'Alaayhi wa Salam) said :"The best amongst you are those who are best to your wives"

Sister, he has to realise your a priority also, taking care of wife and giving time to her is part of the deen, as da'wah is important, and so should the family i.e. wife,his family, even your family.

The criteria should be you respecting your family and he should respect yours, not giving anyone priority over the other if this is done properly, one is practising their deen properly. You should respect another even if they dont respect you. i hope i make sense insha'Allaah.

perform Ishtikarah as adviced already.

I hope everything goes well for you sis, i understand it is a difficult situation to be in.
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May Ayob
08-03-2011, 05:27 PM
Salaam dear sis,
I certainly agree with all the sentiments sister Jewel of Wisdom brought up; If you are not a priority to him then I don't know why he wants to marry you in first place' God said that the Marriage should ensure : Mercy and Tranquility I'm not sure if that would be available so I can't speak for you I don't know what traits you would like in a Husband but Do Istikhara and the Prophet Peace and blessings be upon him said: One should leave Doubts for Certain. If you have doubts don't take a decision that you might regret later.

May Allah Protect you and give you that which is best

Salaam
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Salahudeen
08-03-2011, 06:48 PM
Having your own accomodation is expensive and if he is young and just starting out in life there's no way he's gonna be able to afford it, alot of women don't want to live in the same house of the in laws but realistically is there another solution? I doubt he wants to take a mortgage out and renting is just dead money that he could be saving for a house. I would rather live with my parents and pocket £500 every month or however much rent is, and save it for a house instead of paying it in rent.

Maybe if you looked for an older man he would be able to provide you with your own accomodation, or you could meet his parents and family to see how they are and if you get on with them, maybe they will become like your mum and dad and you'll learn to love them as much as he does and actually enjoy living under the same roof as them.

In my culture it's common for the wife to move in with the in laws because not many men want to be burdended with a mortgage that might take them to hell and they see rent as dead money.
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 06:51 PM
Yes i do understand.
i am just scared - my parents have not found me anyone and do not know anyone and i met this brother but im afraid of the commitment because of his negative. i am scared he will neglect me for his friends as they mean everything to him (religious brothers) an he always wants to go see his family everyday so i am just afraid he will not give me my time. i always wanted a lifestyle where i lived with my husband seperatley and where we both can increase deen together and respect both families and visit frequently but obviously give each other more time. but it seems i want something that most people dont or i certainly cannot find it.

i think an earlier poster made a valid point - i think maybe i am picking on negative things so i know if i say no its the right decision. i dont know.
i have the last week off in ramdhan and next week inshallah i will perform istikhara and see what the outcome is.
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 06:54 PM
i dont mind renting or living with his aunty - but his house there are way too many people and we will never have our own space and privacy. and his family interfere a lot. i am also willing to work so i will help but i have given him over 18 months to save and he didnt save a penny but got into more debt by spending 2k of his friends money that he asked him to look after so now he is paying that off.
i said for me to look after the money but he gave me the money once and took it back again.
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Salahudeen
08-03-2011, 07:02 PM
:s I thought he wanted to live with them?? He will see them everyday if you're living with them won't he?

I guess you have to find out if he's the kind of person who would rather be with his friends than his wife, or if he would rather be with his wife than his friends then maybe you'll know if he'll neglect you or not.

Have you told him that you expect him to spend a certain amount of time with you on a daily basis? Tell him and see what he says but be cautious because he may just say what you want to hear so that you'll marry him and then after marriage he'll break his promises, some men have done this.

I guess only you can decide at the end of the day

It's not that you want something that many people don't want, it's just not practical unless a person takes out a mortgage that he will spend all his life paying off, if there was a halal way to buy a house then I'm sure you would find many guys who would be willing to stay in seperate accomodation.
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Salahudeen
08-03-2011, 07:07 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
i dont mind renting or living with his aunty - but his house there are way too many people and we will never have our own space and privacy. and his family interfere a lot. i am also willing to work so i will help but i have given him over 18 months to save and he didnt save a penny but got into more debt by spending 2k of his friends money that he asked him to look after so now he is paying that off.
i said for me to look after the money but he gave me the money once and took it back again.
That is understandable, well from what you have told me above, he does not sound very responsible and good with money but there's 2 sides to every coin :hmm: If he can't save maybe he will take your money when you're married to him and this will be wrong because it's his duty to provide food,shelter and clothing for you. Your money is your own, it's not your duty to provide for your husband etc.
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
08-03-2011, 07:11 PM
........................
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 07:52 PM
He says I should look for deen like our prophet taught us not money so I'm wrong. But I don't want money I just want to be stable which y I waited two years for him to save and he didn't save a penny but got into more debt. I mashallah saved a bit and brought a car which he doesn't have, so we can see my family when I like as well as performed umrah. I've said before that we get our own place and I will work and we save the money I earn and eventually buy a house in full. His sister husband doesn't earn much but is able to pay all bills and mortgage and so can I if he let me budget his money 4 him. I have money saved and after marriage I wanted to clear his credit card so that he doesn't pay harmful interest. Maybe it's me I put a lot of pressure on him 2 save.

No he wants to live with inlaws as he loves his mum too much - but with his younger brothr who will marry soon and his sister who comes round everyday with her two children i feel is too much i need my space -which why i agreed to live with his aunty who is disbaled but its better than living with his family.

he says im too concerned about money which is not true i just want to be stable for a future i also want a decent husband who has deen and where i can become a better muslim.

when looking for a partner should we also look at financial stability or is deen enough?

i will perform isitkhara next week inshallah
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Alpha Dude
08-03-2011, 08:35 PM
What does he spend all his money on?
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Alpha Dude
08-03-2011, 08:40 PM
Sister, in light of your last couple of posts, I would be inclined to say don't marry him. That is just my opinion.

It's not against Islam to want stability. A person who spends his own friend's money when he is asked to save it, is foolish and selfish (not to mention acting against Islam). Honestly? I'd say that is a red flag.
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 08:41 PM
1/4 goes towards loans and credit cards - so debt basically
1/4 goes for househould billls and phone bills etc.
he also gives around £50 to islamic charity. rest he just spends on take away food or buys his little neice something just useless things.
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 08:44 PM
he spent his friends money before he became religious. i would like to say he didnt steal it but just spent some here and there with the intention to obviously put it back, but it got out of control how much he spent. in no way is he a theif. he then had to borrow money from family members and is still paying them back. again i would like to state it was more of a foolish silly mistake rather then him stealing as he would never do that.
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Alpha Dude
08-03-2011, 08:46 PM
In that case he is sort of constrained in terms of saving anyway? 1/2 on bills and debt repayment which is understandable. Charity is good.

Hmm. Do make plenty of dua this month to guide you to the best decision in terms of deen and dunya.
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Alpha Dude
08-03-2011, 08:48 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
he spent his friends money before he became religious. i would like to say he didnt steal it but just spent some here and there with the intention to obviously put it back, but it got out of control how much he spent. in no way is he a theif. he then had to borrow money from family members and is still paying them back. again i would like to state it was more of a foolish silly mistake rather then him stealing as he would never do that.
Stealing, no. Breaking trust, yes. However, as you said, that was his past.
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 09:08 PM
putting debt a side and bills - he can still save 400-500 easily and still have money to spend on bits n bobs n general things.
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 09:10 PM
i save majority of my salary and still give saqa each month. im even willin to work so we both have enough finances to get by and im educated and mashallah can get a well paid job. i dont earn much more than him and after marriage i have the intention to clear his credit card in one go.
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May Ayob
08-03-2011, 09:13 PM
putting debt a side and bills - he can still save 400-500 easily and still have money to spend on bits n bobs n general things.
Salaam
It seems that money is also and issue you might be facing; Sis there really is no way to get you out of this except by praying istikhara, If he isn't financially stable and you are happy then May Allah bless your marriage but if not you don;t want to have children and end this marriage with a Divorce that not only you have to carry the burden on but also kids * if you do marry him*

I honestly think you know what you have to do; you have to discuss these issues with him because a one-sided negotation isn't really going to work. Both of you must sit down discuss these issue come up with plans and put an agreement.
Pray Salat alIstikharah

May Allah make it easy for both of you

Salaam
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Maryan0
08-03-2011, 09:31 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
i save majority of my salary and still give saqa each month. im even willin to work so we both have enough finances to get by and im educated and mashallah can get a well paid job. i dont earn much more than him and after marriage i have the intention to clear his credit card in one go.
I think you already know what you want to do but are looking for some sort of validation in your decision? If you're having so many second thoughts and you're not even married to the brother than perhaps you should part ways. Marriage wont make you see eye to eye.
Salam
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 09:34 PM
well i just want to feel loved and special but i dont feel tht way. i just want to marry be happy and spend most of my time with my husband whislt looking after both parents. is that a bad thing?

if i do istikhara and it is positve should i go with it even tho we have difference such as financials? will istikhra consider all that (if that makes sensse)
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Maryan0
08-03-2011, 09:42 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
well i just want to feel loved and special but i dont feel tht way. i just want to marry be happy and spend most of my time with my husband whislt looking after both parents. is that a bad thing?

if i do istikhara and it is positve should i go with it even tho we have difference such as financials? will istikhra consider all that (if that makes sensse)
No it isnt. You don't see eye to eye financially. You don't agree on accommodation, you don't agree with him spending most of his time with his friends.
I do think you should do Istikhara but I don't see what it'll tell you that isnt already plain to see. It's your decison sister.
Salam
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 09:47 PM
istikhara came out positive for him so i now need to try.
but with all the differences you pointed out @ maryan which are 100% spot on....if i i do istikhara n its a positive does that mean we will en dup seeing eye to eye once married? does istikhara take all this into account?
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Maryan0
08-03-2011, 09:53 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
istikhara came out positive for him so i now need to try.
but with all the differences you pointed out @ maryan which are 100% spot on....if i i do istikhara n its a positive does that mean we will en dup seeing eye to eye once married? does istikhara take all this into account?
I have no idea what to make of the Istikhara coming out positive but your interactions on the future negative. I think someone more knowledgeable will have to answer your question. :hmm:
Salam
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anonymous
08-03-2011, 10:05 PM
yes it always throws me too.
best i do istikhara next week when i can.
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Hamza Asadullah
08-04-2011, 04:23 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
There is a brother I kno who wants to marry. He prays 5 times a day and had good knowledge. Only problem is he doesn't have much money as he just spends his money. he can't seem to save. He cannot afford a place of his own to rent but can offer me live with his aunty until he is stable. We are not married but he refuses to give me his money to look after or even his family members. Before becoming pious he took a loan which he is still paying off.
He gives a lot of dawah and helps people come towards Islam.

But he told me he would like to go see his parents everyday and he plays a lot of sport and goes Islamic classes. Even on weekend he wants to see his family in evenings. I think this is excessive as it seems he can't support me nor make the time I want from a husband. Shall I decline this proposal or an I demanding?
Asalaamu Alaikum, unfortunately nowadays there are many Muslims who use the deen as an excuse to do what they want. There is no doubt that a man must fulfill the rights of his wife and it is clear sister that you have been given his answer before marriage. Just because a person prays and does religious acts it does not make them pious or someone who will be the best towards their partner.

Some people are hard to change as they are set in their ways. They think the deen will justify their actions and so they can continue doing what they are doing even if it means that the rights of certain people are not fulfilled.

So sister have a serious think about this. I think you know deep down what the answer is. If he is telling you now what the reality will be during marriage then will you not save yourself from such a miserable life?

I have come across a few of such cases and the actions of such people towards their partners is a cause of great misery. At least your lucky enough to know the reality of what it may be like during marriage now. Most others were unfortunate enough to find out after marriage when it was too late.

Ask of Allah sincerely espexcially in the latter part of the night and trust in his decree. He will do what is best for you inshallah. Do not let this or anything else deter you from making the best of this precious month. Put your FULL trust, faith and reliance in Allah and whatever happens will be the best for you.

And Allah knows best in all matters
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anonymous
08-04-2011, 08:28 PM
So am I being unreasonable in thinking seeing his parents everyday is excessive
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Salahudeen
08-05-2011, 03:21 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
So am I being unreasonable in thinking seeing his parents everyday is excessive
I don't think anyone can give you one straight answer, it's what you are able to handle as an individual, some women would be able to handle that other women wouldn't. I think it's excessive if he expects you to travel down there every day with him but if he plans on going on his own then I don't see the problem. But thats my opinion and what matters most is how you feel and what you can cope with.

If you think you wouldn't be able to cope with that then don't get involved in the first place just walk away.
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anonymous
08-05-2011, 06:53 PM
Then I get scared if he's always at his mum what about him spending time with me?
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anonymous
08-05-2011, 09:42 PM
I feel so empty and so low. Waited two years and he didn't save a penny, maybe I'm at fault for accepting these things as I thought I was being unreasonable. Two years ago I prayedmy heart out to Allah to marry and this brother came into my life. I don't understand life I just don't know what to do anymore
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
08-05-2011, 09:58 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
I feel so empty and so low. Waited two years and he didn't save a penny, maybe I'm at fault for accepting these things as I thought I was being unreasonable. Two years ago I prayedmy heart out to Allah to marry and this brother came into my life. I don't understand life I just don't know what to do anymore
As'Salaamu Alaaykum

follow brother Hamza's advice.

Yes it is true we all make mistakes, but remember it may be a test from Allaah to let you realise that you must accept what has happened and that if its not for you, you then must trust in him and move on.

Think about it, has anything of this gotten you closer to Allaah? you say you feel empty, this is the month of ramadhaan, most importantly you should be thinking about the forgiveness and mercy of Allaah.

If insha'Allaah when the blessed month (ramadhaan) is over, speak to your parents to speak to his and then see how it goes, if hes interested and so on. but untill then trust in Allaah and use your time to gain emaan.

Wake up for tahajjad salaah and ask Allaah for what ever you want, be sincere, but also have trust in him that whatever happens is for the best. And if you dont recieve what you want in this life, he may give you what you need instead, and may grant you it in the next life, he may also be testing your patience, testing you. but try not to give up.
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anonymous
08-05-2011, 10:16 PM
My parents have never even looked for me for marriage as they don't know anyone. An Allah is really testing me he really is. I know Allah tests those he loves but I'm struggling.
I have taken a week unpaid off @ work for Allah last ten days so I an concentrate on Islam but is all getting too much for me
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anonymous
08-05-2011, 10:17 PM
I just feel hurt and I just cry myself to sleep now. Too much.
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Salahudeen
08-06-2011, 02:09 AM
Sister, why don't you try the website pure matrimony, it only has practising men on there who pray etc this is what I heard. It wouldn't hurt if you check it out, just make sure your family know and put your wali's contact details down. http://www.purematrimony.com/
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anonymous
08-06-2011, 12:47 PM
All men are the same. Even on martrimonial sites. They have wrong intentions and privacy talking to about ten girls at the same time. I give up.
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
08-06-2011, 12:57 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
All men are the same. Even on martrimonial sites. They have wrong intentions and privacy talking to about ten girls at the same time. I give up.
As'Salaamu Alaaykum

I disagree, not all men are that way. In a big world there are bound to be good brothers and sisters out there who are worth being married to, we cannot make a judgement based on a past experience. Along with bad people there are good in every society. If you think like that imagine the brothers who think all sisters are like that, all the same, fact is not everyone is the same, keep in mind Allaah says he gives hidayah to whom he wills, so when they are guided by Allaah they will never astray, then you as a muslim have to trust in him, the most wise, the most loving, the all-knower. If you dont put trust in Allaah and ask him to grant you good out of something, how are you going get something like that? How do you just pass an exam without revising for it? you have to work hard, either you pass or fail. this dunya is like a big short exam, Allaah says if you follow his guidance you will never astray.

I agree with brother Salahudeen because he mentioned its a good site, you should maybe try out the site, and its not like your not going to meet the person, or if you dont like him or if hes a bad person you have to marry him, the decision is entirely up to you, and ofcourse in the right way with a wali involved.

I dont want to sound harsh but ive said it in my previous posts, one who gives up is a loser. If you want this, work hard for it, if you want a loving husband who fears Allaah and obeys him then do your part in finding such a brother, follow the steps that Allaah commands you, Allaah places barakah in the good steps you take.
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Salahudeen
08-06-2011, 03:20 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
All men are the same. Even on martrimonial sites. They have wrong intentions and privacy talking to about ten girls at the same time. I give up.
Ok how about marriage services that masjid's offer? I know here the masjid has marriage events, you could turn up with your father or brother maybe?
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anonymous
08-06-2011, 04:05 PM
my family do not care about me. my brother is so concerned in his own marriage forgets he has a sister in her mid twenties and not married! my father also doesnt care if he did he would of sorted some thing out but he hasnt. so lets just say its down to me and i want to keep it halal which i was so keen on this brother as i prayed my heart out to allah two years back and he came into my life and he lives a few hours away from me. only thing is istikhara came out positive on his side (i shall do mine next week) but we seem to have so much differences.

allah knows best.
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anonymous
08-06-2011, 04:09 PM
me and brother live in the same house and we never speak to each other. we have never ever seen eye to eye ever so we just never speak to each other. shame.
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Salahudeen
08-06-2011, 05:43 PM
Well you need to get out there and start looking in places that are made for marriage, it won't happen by itself, you have to get out there and make it happen and make du'a at the same time.

The site I gave you has got practising men on there who also want to keep things halal, it's affiliated with Al Kauthar, it wouldn't hurt if you just checked it out would it? They make you swear by Allah that you're praying etc.
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anonymous
08-06-2011, 06:18 PM
yeah but u need your father's details dont u. he wont know im on it so i dont want to lie.
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Salahudeen
08-07-2011, 02:11 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
yeah but u need your father's details dont u. he wont know im on it so i dont want to lie.
You don't need your fathers details but I recommend you inform them that you're looking because the brothers will want to talk with your wali at some stage, It's free to register and search on there in Ramadhan so why don't you register and check a few of the profiles to see if you see any compatible people.
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