Marriage Difficulties....... :-(

[anonymous]

Assalam O Alaikum.

I don't quite know how to put this into words, and apologise if it is a bit incoherent.

I'm really having difficulties within myself regarding my marriage and i feel quite lost and dont know what to do.

Firstly i want to make it clear that i want my marriage to work and i do love my husband.

Im converted to Islam a few years ago and got married with a Muslim man. I was impressed with his knowledge of Islam and thought he was pious and would help me on my journey to discovering and learning of Islamic teachings and lifestyle.

I dont know if i have high expectations... but when i signed my marriage contract (nikkah) it was for a life companion.... and not to become a slave :(

i keep asking myself... am i over reacting? But then why do i feel so upset by this...

I keep telling myself... its my curse for marrying a man who had 7 sisters (doing everything for him etc)

Its really getting to the point where i am crying myself to sleep most nights...
He isnt violent, nor does he have a "nasty tongue".

I don't live in a Muslim committee and the nearest mosque is more than 1 hour bus ride away.

I have tried to talk to my mother (my family are Christian) and she tells me that all men are lazy and tells me to ask myself am i happier with him than i was alone... the answer would be yes... but now.. im even questioning that.

I have tried to talk to my husbands sisters (over phone and internet as they are abroad) about some of the issues and that i need help and my husband gets angry saying i am making him look bad... its not my intention to do this.... talking to him fails, it literary feels like it goes in one ear and out the other.

I've tried so hard to encourage my husband to increase his emaan in Islam. He does not pray and when i ask him a question about Islam (even when i know the answer and i know he knows the answer) he replies to me "Google it" .... yet if i ask him anything about politics... he can talk for hours....

Ramadhaan started and i was happy. My husband prayed and fasted.... for the first 3 days. And its now just stopped. He tells me he has back pain, so i massage his back and try to encourage him to pray sitting or laying down... but it fails. I dont understand why he wont fast as he doesnt take any medication to help his "back pain". I do feel he is exaggerating the symptoms as i see evidence to suggest otherwise... but i stay quiet because i dont want to accuse or confrontation.

Last Ramadhaan he decided not to fast when i had my period and even though i made up my missed days up... he didn't. Nor could he afford to give to charity because we are quite poor in our finances.

I feel like i do everything.... in the 2 years we have lived together he has done nothing and tells me that "housework" is beneath him and refuses to help or clean up after himself.
If he had a job... it wouldn't be so bad, i wouldn't mind doing everything... but he doesn't work. Even for that it is me who has to do all the job hunting and applying, calling, emailing etc. I have some health issues that prevent me form leaving the house so it is increasingly difficult for me to do this "task" of finding him a job.
He stays awake all night and sleeps from 8 or 9am to 5 or 6pm, and during this time all he does is smoke, watch films and eat. He complains i do not spend time with him, but with our routines being completely different i am often tired when he gets up because i have been doing housework/etc all day.
I don't smoke but i even have to make his cigarettes from rolling tobacco.

Its getting really hard for me to be intimate with him. I don't really want to go into details but it would be easy for me to let my husband "satisfy" himself if he didn't demand oral every single time... i really dislike it and if i refuse (to do oral) he gets angry and refuses to be intimate and will be grumpy and not speak to me for hours sometimes days.

I recently got a small loan, so i could decorate my home as it was in dire need of it. I thought my husband would help.... but he did nothing... it took me 2 weeks to complete 2 rooms and i was exhausted and even hurting really bad from aching muscles from lifting heavy furniture and had only the weekend to clean the house in prep for Ramadhaan. My husband got angry with me that i didnt pay him attention (intimately) during this time.

I have had an argument with him in the past and i shouted that if he didn't start to help me or get a job i wouldn't support his permanent residence visa to stay in the UK. I dont get angry often i prefer to keep Sabr and stay quiet because i don't like confrontations. He just laughed at me and told me to book his air ticket back, i think knowing that i was bluffing.

I've also tried in the past to show him how much mess he actually makes by leaving his stuff in a pile (dishes, clothes and all) and again he just laughed thinking it was funny.

This is really wearing me down..... I have on numerous occasions sat down with my husband and said to him that i cant physically do this... and then he goes on to explain that he has never done this and that he "doesnt like it" - who does like housework?


Yet despite this... there is love between us and we do get along really well.... i dont want this to drown out under the increasing negativities i am feeling...

Should i just put up with it and shut up?

What can i do to increase his emaan?
I have tried to tell him about how the Prophet pbuh lived and that he should strive to be a good Muslim... and he tells me he knows and he will.... but when?

I want to have children... but i fear what the demand will be should i get pregnant.. im struggling now and it scares me to even imagine what it will be like should i have to continue doing everything alone......

I would appreciate input from both brothers and sisters...

Waalikum Assalam.

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

wa '3alaaykum as'Salaam sis

I dont think im much of a help but i guess i understand your pain, doing housework is a lot of work and managing work at the same time ..

what if you spoke to his father? or mother? but then again he 'may' dislike that..

He needs to gain the fear of Allaah, how Allaah is severe in punishment, how he watches over everyone and how at the time of death you will not be there to do anything for him, but you will be accountable for your own actions, also by discussing this issue with him, and he accountable for his actions, and how he didnt listen and will wish on that day that he did. He needs to learn to manage life himself. how about if you showed him and make him realise how hard it is what you are doing, how you are managing each thing alone and in need of help, he needs to be made aware of how much effort you put in. He needs to realise and feel that effort so he can take steps to do things himself. show him how tired you after doing each chore, and ask him if loves you then why is he not sharing that love with you by helping you out, or being there when you need him, because you are always there when he needs you.

Should i just put up with it and shut up?

I guess when you say 'put up with it' i say be patient and continue to seek for help, i hope that another member is able to advice you, by 'shutup' you should have sabr, its agreeable that it is hard, but sabr is something that is required even in the most difficult times to overcome the hardship or to ease it..also remember in Islaam there is reward for those who are patient..i dont mean patient as stay quiet and do nothing but do as much as possible to get him to understand you in the right way ofcourse.

again i hope someone with better advice can advice you insha'Allaah

make lots of du'aa and be sure to not lose hope sis, you are also in my prayers. i hope i didnt say anything wrong, if i did please correct me.

[Yanal]

Asalam alaikum,

Like sister Jewel of Wisdom suggested,you should try to talk with one of his family members regarding this,and try to ask them to talk with him regarding the issue you are having with managing the household. You need to remain strong,insha'Allah Allah is with you,and you are in my duas.

[Salahudeen]

Very sad to hear what you're going through, can you see yourself living like this for the rest of your life and being happy with it? I think eventually you will just get so fed up and snap, I don't think you should even consider having kids untill you're happy in the marriage. The last thing you want is to be in a miserable marriage with kids because it will affect them also if you're sad. And also children need to be raised by two praticing parents, if he is not praying or fasting what kind of example will he set for his children?? So definitely don't think about kids untill he is establishing Islam in his life.

From what you told us it sounds as if you're married to a child and not a man but then again we haven't heard his side so it would be unfair of us to say this I guess.


I think you should seek advice from a scholar, I know some scholars say if the husband doesn't pray then the wife has the right to with hold herself from him, she doesn't have to be intimate with him because they say abandoning the prayer takes 1 out of Islam. and they say the marriage contract is invalidated if one abandons the salah, but this is the opinion of a few scholars and there's other opinions out there so I guess it depends on which scholars you follow.

I don't think you're over reacting at all, I get the impression you're feelings are not being heard and when you try to explain to him how you're feeling he doesn't take any notice, like how you feel means nothing and his happyness is the only thing that matters even if you are walked all over in the process.

That's the impression I got from what you said.

I know one thing is for certain, you can't go on like this as you will eventually become bitter and begin to hate him for not being the type of husband you want. I think you should take immediate action as having a spouse who doesn't pratice or pray is a serious matter, this person is going to father and raise your children and you have to ask yourself would you be happy having him as a role model for your children in the future?

I think you should get someone from the masjid to talk to him because from what you said, he isn't taking you seriously, and since you're a revert you have no family members to speak with him and put him straight so I think you should contact the masjid and maybe ask for counselling? or help.

Housework is not beneath any man, this is not a correct thing to say as the prophet (saw) would do housework so is he better than the prophet (saw) in status? This is what he's implying when he says housework is beneath me because the prophet (saw) would do housework for his wifes.

It's sad he's so lazy that he won't even find a job and makes you do it for him, he would feel really embarressed and ashamed I think if other men knew the kind of man he is, so maybe if you spoke to the imam at the masjid and he spoke with your husband, then he will feel embarressed and make an effort to change.

I'm sorry but he sounds really selfish and inconsiderate, who gets angry with their wife because she's too tired to be intimate?? Is this treating your wife with kindness and being understanding?

I don't think you should support his residence unless he fixes up and gets his act together do you really want to be lumbered with such a person for the rest of your life? Who treats u in your own words as a slave??

I mean it's his job as the husband to work and provide food,clothing and shelter for you and if he's not doing that, fulfilling your basic rights as a wife then I'm sure the question is arising in your head "Why am I baby sitting a child for"

He is not even making an effort to find a job? sleeping all day and chilling at night infront of movies?? this is a joke sorry, I think you need to start putting pressure on him to fix up and be a man. You can do this by saying you won't stand for it anymore, being treated like dirt and if things don't change then you will have to take due measures.

He gets angry when you don't fulfill his right of intimacy but how about your rights as a Muslim woman? I'm not sure if you know but one of the rights of a Muslim women is that her husband has to provide food,shelter and clothing for her and perhaps you should tell him this next time he is angry with you cos you're too tired to be intimate.

You have rights also that he has to fulfil according to Islam, it's not all one way!!

I don't think you should put up with it and shut up, if you're not happy then you're not happy and things need to be done to make you happy, try speaking with masjid for counselling, and if things dont get better then you really have to sit down and ask yourself,

"Do I want such a man raising my children who could quite possibly turn out exactly like him"

"Do I really want to be with someone who is so inconsiderate of my feelings"

"Do I really want to be with someone who is not understanding and only cares about his own happyness/needs"

You need to have a serious think I guess. Because not fasting in Ramadhan and not praying are big sins, the prophet (saw) cursed the person who did not make the most of Ramadhan. When Rasulullaah (saws) was ascending the minbar and on every step he said aameen. So when asked why he said "...Jibreel said curse be upon the one to whom Ramadhaan comes yet he does not earn forgiveness for his sins" to which Rasulullah (saws) said aameen!

Verily, between a man and Shirk and Kufr is the abandonment of prayer.

Umar bin al-Khattaab, may Allaah be please with him, said: There is no Islaam for the one who abandoned prayer.
[Ibn Abee Shaibah in Al-Iman ]

Abdullaah bin Shaqeeq, may Allaah be pleased with him, said: The Companions of the Prophet (salallaahu ýalayhi wa sallam) did not use to regard the abandonment of any deed as disbelief except prayer.
[At-Tirmidhee, Al-Haakim

As I said certain scholars hold the view that not praying and abandoning the prayer takes you out of Islam so it's very serious. And I think the scholars who said it doesn't make him a kafur said, he should be told to pray for 3 days and if he still doesn't then he should be killed. This is how serious not praying is.

Take your case to someone knowledgeable who will listen to both sides of the story because what I said might be wrong as I don't have the other side so its biased kinda and it could be incorrect.

I'm not in anyway qualified to give marriage advise and you should understand that what I said above is only my view on the matter and what I'd do if I was in your situation.

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[Hamza Asadullah]

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayran for sharing your issues with us. You gave quite a detailed account there of what life is like with your husband on a daily basis. It seems to me he has gotten into a "lazy mode" with regards to his daily patterns as in he sleeps late, wakes up late and so cannot do anything constructive with his day. He has been used to everyone tending to his needs and so he feels that he can remain this way.

Sister honestly you cannot continue to live a life like that. It is not right that your husband treats you in such a way. He is not fulfilling any of your rights and is clearly treating you like a slave. He does not provide for you or even bothered to find a job. He does not help you around the house but instead makes a complete mess where ever he goes. On top of that he does not even pray or fast which is very sad indeed. It seems like he has just lost interest in everything in life and is in his own little world where he finds comfort.

He is so comfortable right now as you do everything for him like he is a baby. But it is partly your fault for giving in to him. You should have been firm on him from the beginning.

Regarding orals then although there is a slight difference of opinion many scholars say it is haraam because the fluids are impure and also because of the fact that if a husband or wife demands it and does not get it then it may cause friction which is exactly your case.

Something needs to be done about your situation urgently as you cannot continue to live a life like that with someone who is not even concerned with wanting to fulfill his obligations unto you. On top of that him not praying or fasting has brough him into kufr(disbelief) which many scholars say is a good enough reason to divorce someone.

The thing is sister once Allah has taken away guidance then he is the only one who can guide anyone. We can only do our best to inform the person. So you should continue to make the effort to inform him by reminding him of death and the hereafter by putting on lectures in front of him or maybe leaving a death and hereafter book nearby so he picks it up in the night and starts reading. Even talking to him about it. lthough you should not pester him as pestering only makes things worse. Just give him dawah once a week max. On top of that make plenty of dua for him that Allah gives him guidance.

Regarding his behaviour then sister the best way to go about this is to SHOCK him into action somehow. I don't think telling his family will help because he will obviously find out that you have told them and he will just get angry and refuse to change. Therefore i think telling them will cause more harm than good, but i don't think theres anything wrong with getting advice from them as long as they do not mention anything to him.

I think you need to internalise the fact that you will NOT tolerate his behaviour anymore and so by internalising these thoughts you should become firm and be adament to him that you are very serious now and that he has pushed you to the edge as you are only human. Sister can you imagine how much harder it will be once you have kids? You will honestly have a break down if he remains the way he is and does not particpate or help out.

So once you have internalised the fact that you will not tolerate such behaviour anymore then you need to make sure he listens to you this time and tell him how serious you are about the fact that he must change his ways otherwise your marriage will break down. You need to make him aware of how much his behaviour is affecting you. You should cry in front of him and make him aware of your anguish and pain at his current behaviour.

Once he sees how much his behaviour has affected you then the both of you should open up the doors of communication and talk to each other about your feelings. You need to get to the bottom of why he is behaving in the way he is and why does he keep making excuses for not praying, working etc. You really need to be firm on him this time that you will NOT tolerate him being this way everyday where he sleeps late and wakes up late as that wasy he cannot get anything done. How can you apply for jobs when you sleep and wake up that late|?

You make sure he does not sleep late nor does he wake up late. Also you tell him how exhausted you are from constantly working and getting no help. He needs to realise what its like. If he does not change his lazy ways then i think it would be a good idea for you to go and live with your mother for a week or two so that he realises how much you do for him. He needs to realise that you do so much for him and that he does nothing in return nor does he even lift a finger.

Sisterr change will not be easy but it is down to you to become firm on him now. Demand changes and demand that he starts fulfilling your rights. You tell him that you will not give him orals again as it is haraam to do so. Do not tolerate his moaning because he has no right to behave the way he is behaving. Make sure he realises how much his behaviour is affecting you and if he has any heart at all he will start making the necessery changes. But if he doesnt then you should go and stay with your mother for a few days so that he realises that you are serious.

The thing is sister that he has you wrapped around his little finger. He is used to your emtpy threats. So whenever you make any threats he knows you won't follow through. So i think if you do follow through on a threat then he will realise that you really are serious. Do NOT let him wrap you around his little finger anymore. Take control and ensure he starts taking control of his own life as he has clearly lost control. He has no ambitions nor does he have any aspirations. He has no motivation nor does he have any drive.

So now it is time for action sister. if he does not change then go and live with your mother for a few days. If he still does not change then tell his family how he is behaving and that you will not tolerate it anymore. If after his family have a serious word with him he still does not change then you should consider both of you going to a counsellor as a mediator is beneficial in these circumstances and may be able to help in some way. If there is still no change then there is no alternative but to inform a learned and experienced scholar who will tell you the next steps.

These steps need to be implemented immediately. Life is short and you cannot live such a life otherwise you will do yourself harm. You must not continue tolerating such behaviour because by you letting him get away with such behaviour how will he ever change? If you need any help locating a scholar in your area then please PM.

My sister whatever happens do not let him or anything else get in your way of you making the best of this Ramadan. This is a test for you sister so continue to persevere and take appropriate action. Ask of Allah sincerely in the latter portion of the night at Tahajjud time and throughout the day after recitation and Salaah etc. Ask of Allah to help your husband change and ask of him to help you as you are in dire need of help. He will NEVER abandon you but he will do what is best for you. So put your FULL faith, trust and reliance in him.

Make the best of each second this Ramadan and strive to get even closer to Allah. Do as much worship as you can and know that Allah wants you closer to him. Each second in this most blessed month is too precious to waste. Hope i helped in someway. Please put your FULL trust in Allah and know that he is closer to you than your jugular vein. Hewill never abandon you as long as you call upon him.

Here are some threads that i wanted you to benefit from inshallah:

12 Ways to Maximise everyday in Ramadan

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...y-ramadan.html

15 Good deeds to do throughout Ramadan

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...t-ramadan.html

9 things a Women on Menses can do in Ramadan

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...o-ramadan.html


The inner dimensions of fasting

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...must-read.html


Hope these help. Please keep us updates. May Allah do what is best for you in your situation. Ameen Please do remember me in your dua's.

[aadil77]

From what you've described he doesn't seem to care for anything in life, he could be depressed. He's not much of a husband if he's not working, not helping around the house or spending time with you. He sounds like a leecher, only married you to live an easy life.

Since he sounds like a religious person keep it short and give him a simple message; In islam a husband has to support his wife and not the other way around. You shouldn't get married until you're able to look after a wife.

Also stop his visa application process and give him a deadline to find a job or tell him he's going to be shipped off back to where ever he came from, give him serious threats so he takes you seriously. :shade:

[Amat Allah]

I am sorry honey but I have to say it, this man doesn`t deserve a pure and precious jewel like you...and who is not ashamed of Allah The Creator; Whom watching us, hearing us and counting for us; will never be ashamed of His creatures...

I may sound so harsh but by Allah this is the truth...

May Allah love you my sweetheart and ease your way and fill your heart with the endless happiness and satisfaction always and forever and May Allah guide your husband for ya and if not then may Allah give you the best always and forever Ameeeeeeeeeen

[Salahudeen]

Since he sounds like a religious person keep it short and give him a simple message; In islam a husband has to support his wife and not the other way around. You shouldn't get married until you're able to look after a wife.

Also stop his visa application process and give him a deadline to find a job or tell him he's going to be shipped off back to where ever he came from, give him serious threats so he takes you seriously. :shade:

I think you should definitely do what bro adil said and stop it for now.

[Salahudeen]

Also what bro hamza said about going to your parents house for a few days, this will show you're serious and mean business I think.

[anonymous]

JazakAllahu Khair - Thank you all for replying.
It will be hard to reply to each individually so i type this to all....

I understand this is just my side of the story....

His side is probably completely different or has a different view on matters... but i cant make excuses for him as he makes it perfectly clear what he dislikes in myself.

I do not want to give up on my marriage... it was a hard and long road just to be together, the immigration process took more than 2 years before he was finally allowed to come and be here with me. I seen this as a test from Allah and that we made it through if difficulties of separation and i guess now... its again a test.

My husband is a bit depressed. He has had the odd job here or there but its always Temp or casual work. Its unfortunate for him to have come to the UK in this economic climate.
I also understand i can get on his nerves by repeating myself and over planning things (i am currently receiving treatment for OCD and Anxiety/phobias) So i understand that living with me can be difficult at times... But i am trying to correct myself and have changed a lot of these "psychological habits" in the last 6 months.
When i repeat myself... its usually because ive asked him to do something for me i.e housework. I only remind him 3 times (in a 48 hour period) before i give up... and do it myself, even when ive had 2 misscarraiges in the past ive had little or no help. :-(
I do understand his frustrations.... when he talks to me about being bored and having no job i tell him (in the light-hearted manner) come and work for me, help me with the housework or cut the grass/gardening. To which he normally replies that "its different and he doesnt like to do it" - i dont like to do it either.. who does?

I cant talk to his family... when ive talked to his sisters he gets angry... I cant speak to his father because there are "issues" between them and his mother doesnt speak English nor can i speak Urdu.
There is no "local" mosque here... as i said before its more than 1 hour bus ride away... we are the only Muslim household in the small town i live in. So speaking to an imam?.. i dont even know where to begin to find one.

He has a lot of pressure on him from his father, it concerns me that he barely makes contact these days with his family because he is alone here in the UK with no immediate family around him.
And again the pressure is concerning employment. His father expects him to send him money and that finding a job is easy... and he just doesnt seem to understand the situation when we explain it to him... the UK and Pakistan are worlds apart.....

Also going to stay with my mother is a no-go :-( She lives just up the road from me, but there are tentions with her husband, and i dont want to add to that.
Its ironic... in the last 2 years i discovered on the death of my father i had an older brother, and he has been so great, our connection has been really good and i know he would help me with this situation.... the only thing is.. he is in another country...

I really do feel alone in this.
I try so hard to keep Sabr... i dont want the love to turn into resentment :-(

Yesterday, there was a powercut for 2 hours (due to lightning storms)
While i read Quran, i asked him to translate a couple of ayats (not a test, just i guess to remind him) which he did so... so then i took opertunity to speak about some of the "rights" in Islam concerning family/husband/wife.
I was so shocked by his answer imsad
I spoke to him about the rights of the man to be intimate and then of the rights of the man to provide food,shelter, clothing for his wife.... and then to the rights of the woman... when the spouse is not praying or providing for her (as brothers mentioned in reply to my thread)
He replied to me...
"no one cares about the rights"
My mouth literary dropped open... i said to him how could he say such a thing when the words of God as set out in the Quran says so and was given to mankind as a guide, the 5 pillars, praying and fasting is what makes us Muslims. So i asked him again... if he believed in the rights as set out in the Quran and this time he replied yes and he subsequently went on to do Gusal and prayed Dhur namaz. However... did not follow up doing the other prayers... but did do Fajr and Sehri this morning.

When ive spoken to his sisters about his sleeping patterns they tell me to remind him of the ayat/surah concerning that a portion of the night was made for mankind to sleep, which i do.... but doesnt seem to make any difference...

This is becoming a mess.... i guess there are tentions on both sides, one of us lazy and the other doing too much.

i know Allah swt guideth whom he wills but surely it is my duty as a wife to remind/inform my husband about being a good Muslim and encourage hm to increase his emaan

Last year i did stop praying for a week. Astagfirullah :cry:... and asked him... how does it make you feel when i dont pray? he just replied its my choice, so that clearly didnt work and i returned back to praying.

i keep telling myself that this is petty... and housework is not someting to argue or feel resentful about... but small things keep adding on to it...

I just feel exhausted emotionally and physically and Ramadhaan sure is even more of a test fasting 17/18 hours a day.....

I really do appriciate those who were kind enough to reply to my situation, may Allah shower his blessings upon you all.

[aadil77]

I think you'll need to take away some of his comforts in order for him to realise what he's taking for granted. Just make sure you stop his visa process, he naturally pull himself together once he realises you're not messing about. Yes the economic situation is bad, but that is no excuse to give up and waste away at home, there are jobs, he just needs to put the effort in and apply everywhere and anywhere. Right now he's probably expecting to get citizenship and then claim benefits for the rest of his life - if you don't want that to happen you have to be serious about his behavior, you've got all the right to tell him what to do as he's not supporting you with anything.

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

As'Salaamu Alaaykum

"no one cares about the rights"

Allaah granted these rights, so that husband and wife would be fair with each other. From reading this it is clear his emaan level is low, perhaps he needs a emaan booster. when you listen to Qur'aan be sure he is there, when reciting Qur'aan be sure he is there, when listening to a lecture be sure he is there with you. when you do all of this, ask him always to join in with you. It may take time, just continue to do it insha'Allaah. When you decide you are going to do some cleaning, start of at a place where he is sitting or standing, ask him to join in a few times, if he declines ask again the next day. So if he declines, decline anything he asks for you to do, be firm, if he becomes angry then maybe you should change your way of doing it, maybe not cook for him for day maybe and if he asks why let him know that you follow the law of Allaah and nobody else, to be equal and fair and just is part of his law, and see how it goes, if it ends bad maybe you should change your way again. I apologise if i sound silly :s, but i guess maybe its worth a try. But keep your self in a good happy mood is what the aim should be so that it doesnt make you feel down later. Think of it as a 'fun time' maybe :S.(not the best use of words i guess so i do apologise.) but if it makes him angry then forget what i said or you may know beforehand.

Sister, you can only do what is in your ability, you cant do more than that, just dont fall short in your emaan insha'Allaah, because if it wasnt for you, who else would it be right now?

Indeed in the time of hardship a believer smiles and says alHamdulilaah! sister make yourself feel happy inside, remembering the ayah of Allaah 'Surely with hardship there is ease'..

Also regarding the financial situation, perhaps if you helped find him a job? maybe then he manages to stand up on his own feet insha'Allaah, be be firm with him.

I think the words of Allaah should comfort you inshaa'Allaah

"If you help him (Muhammad SAW) not (it does not matter), for Allah did indeed help him when the disbelievers drove him out, the second of two, when they (Muhammad SAW and Abu Bakr) were in the cave, and he (SAW) said to his companion (Abu Bakr): "Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allah is with us." Then Allah sent down His Sakinah (calmness, tranquillity, peace, etc.) upon him, and strengthened him with forces (angels) which you saw not, and made the word of those who disbelieved the lowermost, while it was the Word of Allah that became the uppermost, and Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise." [Al Qur'aan 9:40]


The time when the prophet Muhammad (Sallaahu 'Alaayhi wa Sallam) was in the time of danger, he Sallaahu Alaayhi wa sallam trusted in Allaah SWT alone "Be not sad, Surely Allaah is with us." that he Allaah sent down his peace, mercy. subhaan'Allaah

The verses below show you what abilities you have, the ability to turn to Allaah when you are down or even when you are not.

"Therefore remember Me and I will remember you…" (Qur'an 2:152)

Therefore do thou hold Patience,- a Patience of beautiful (contentment). [Al Qur'aan 70:5]

"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest." (Qur'an 13:28)

"So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief: Verily, with every difficulty there is relief." [Al Qur'aan 94:5-6]

notice how Allaah mentions 'verily with every difficulty there is relief' twice.

i apologise for the use of my words if they sounded bad or silly.

[Salahudeen]

The other day when I was on a security course to get an SIA badge, I was in a room full of foreigners who decided they needed to do something to try and get into work. The one next to me couldn't understand english that well so I let him look at my paper ;D anyway my point is people are still trying even though the climate is bad, they're still getting out there and doing stuff trying to make them self more employable, they're not just sitting in the house rotting away. Hell when I was working at mcdonalds there was lots of foreigners working there, have you tried applying for the jobs no one wants to do??

I find it strange you're applying for him :hmm: I really think you should stop his stay as adil said cos his attitude just seems wrong from what you said :hmm: I don't see him ever changing unless you shock him and show him that you're not prepared to accept it cos he's not taking you seriously it sounds like.

Why don't you buy him a book on marriage and the rights of each other? Or play a lecture and make sure he's listening with you. Is his native language Arabic?

On the link below if you scroll down there is a good series called "bed of roses" it's all about marriage maybe you could watch it together?? It's in arabic and translated into English. There's video to watch and audio if you just want to listen. To download it, right click each part and choose "save link as" then choose where on your PC you wish to save it.

If I remember correctly he gives examples from the sunnah of how the husband should be with his wife etc

http://www.kalamullah.com/videos.html

[anonymous]

I think you'll need to take away some of his comforts in order for him to realise what he's taking for granted. Just make sure you stop his visa process, he naturally pull himself together once he realises you're not messing about. Yes the economic situation is bad, but that is no excuse to give up and waste away at home, there are jobs, he just needs to put the effort in and apply everywhere and anywhere. Right now he's probably expecting to get citizenship and then claim benefits for the rest of his life - if you don't want that to happen you have to be serious about his behavior, you've got all the right to tell him what to do as he's not supporting you with anything.

stopping the visa process isnt that simple... plus.. it cost us more than £2000 just to get him spouse visa through all the legalities and appeal process which took 2 years...
All i have to do is give my signature that i support his ILR (indefinite Leave to Remain) the process for that will start early next year... ( and will cost us around £1000, :exhausted Only Allah knows where im supposed to find that sort of money with my savings rapidly running out...)

please believe me that i want my marriage to work... if i don't support his ILR then we will again need to go through the spouse visa process and i really dont want to be separated from him again imsad

I understand your point.. that there needs to be a shock factor or something to kick him into gear and start doing his part.. its just trying to find the right way of doing it...

[Riana17]

SALAM Sister, I cant continue your story, it is very sad, i hope many people will help you with this problem.
Allah is testing your patience and I hope inshallah you will pass this trials.
Insha Allah, sorry i cant be much of help, imsad

[anonymous]

As'Salaamu Alaaykum


Allaah granted these rights, so that husband and wife would be fair with each other. From reading this it is clear his emaan level is low, perhaps he needs a emaan booster. when you listen to Qur'aan be sure he is there, when reciting Qur'aan be sure he is there, when listening to a lecture be sure he is there with you. when you do all of this, ask him always to join in with you. It may take time, just continue to do it insha'Allaah. When you decide you are going to do some cleaning, start of at a place where he is sitting or standing, ask him to join in a few times, if he declines ask again the next day. So if he declines, decline anything he asks for you to do, be firm, if he becomes angry then maybe you should change your way of doing it, maybe not cook for him for day maybe and if he asks why let him know that you follow the law of Allaah and nobody else, to be equal and fair and just is part of his law, and see how it goes, if it ends bad maybe you should change your way again. I apologise if i sound silly :s, but i guess maybe its worth a try. But keep your self in a good happy mood is what the aim should be so that it doesnt make you feel down later. Think of it as a 'fun time' maybe :S.(not the best use of words i guess so i do apologise.) but if it makes him angry then forget what i said or you may know beforehand.

Sister, you can only do what is in your ability, you cant do more than that, just dont fall short in your emaan insha'Allaah, because if it wasnt for you, who else would it be right now?

Indeed in the time of hardship a believer smiles and says alHamdulilaah! sister make yourself feel happy inside, remembering the ayah of Allaah 'Surely with hardship there is ease'..

Also regarding the financial situation, perhaps if you helped find him a job? maybe then he manages to stand up on his own feet insha'Allaah, be be firm with him.

I think the words of Allaah should comfort you inshaa'Allaah

"If you help him (Muhammad SAW) not (it does not matter), for Allah did indeed help him when the disbelievers drove him out, the second of two, when they (Muhammad SAW and Abu Bakr) were in the cave, and he (SAW) said to his companion (Abu Bakr): "Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allah is with us." Then Allah sent down His Sakinah (calmness, tranquillity, peace, etc.) upon him, and strengthened him with forces (angels) which you saw not, and made the word of those who disbelieved the lowermost, while it was the Word of Allah that became the uppermost, and Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise." [Al Qur'aan 9:40]


The time when the prophet Muhammad (Sallaahu 'Alaayhi wa Sallam) was in the time of danger, he Sallaahu Alaayhi wa sallam trusted in Allaah SWT alone "Be not sad, Surely Allaah is with us." that he Allaah sent down his peace, mercy. subhaan'Allaah

The verses below show you what abilities you have, the ability to turn to Allaah when you are down or even when you are not.

"Therefore remember Me and I will remember you…" (Qur'an 2:152)

Therefore do thou hold Patience,- a Patience of beautiful (contentment). [Al Qur'aan 70:5]

"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest." (Qur'an 13:28)

"So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief: Verily, with every difficulty there is relief." [Al Qur'aan 94:5-6]

notice how Allaah mentions 'verily with every difficulty there is relief' twice.

i apologise for the use of my words if they sounded bad or silly.

Waalikum Assalam,

Thank you sister, i will try as you suggested... i do feel his emaan is low and he needs encouragement...

With regards to the job... its only me who is doing everything in trying to find him work... he wont even use the jobcenter website to do searches :hmm: Ive written up his CV's, speculative letters and even called people to enquire for work... i can tell when i speak to some employers that they find it unusual that I - the wife - is calling to apply for a job on behalf of my husband, and quite often i have to pass the phone to him and only then will he speak etc.... i really don't understand why because his English is near on perfect. People often comment on my husbands accent, stating it sounds quite American and are often surprised when he tells them he is actually from Pakistan.

It also fustrates me because he has so many skills and they are all just going to waste....

I think i need to find ways to utilize those skills and bring his confidence back up... he was talking about going to London/Birmingham for 2 months to do work staying with family friends... ive always supported this idea... even though i dont like the idea of spending time apart... i believe it would be good for him

[anonymous]

The other day when I was on a security course to get an SIA badge, I was in a room full of foreigners who decided they needed to do something to try and get into work. The one next to me couldn't understand english that well so I let him look at my paper ;D anyway my point is people are still trying even though the climate is bad, they're still getting out there and doing stuff trying to make them self more employable, they're not just sitting in the house rotting away. Hell when I was working at mcdonalds there was lots of foreigners working there, have you tried applying for the jobs no one wants to do??

I find it strange you're applying for him :hmm: I really think you should stop his stay as adil said cos his attitude just seems wrong from what you said :hmm: I don't see him ever changing unless you shock him and show him that you're not prepared to accept it cos he's not taking you seriously it sounds like.

Why don't you buy him a book on marriage and the rights of each other? Or play a lecture and make sure he's listening with you. Is his native language Arabic?

On the link below if you scroll down there is a good series called "bed of roses" it's all about marriage maybe you could watch it together?? It's in arabic and translated into English. There's video to watch and audio if you just want to listen. To download it, right click each part and choose "save link as" then choose where on your PC you wish to save it.

If I remember correctly he gives examples from the sunnah of how the husband should be with his wife etc

http://www.kalamullah.com/videos.html

His native language is Urdu/Punjabi, but he understands Arabic... but his English is perfect so there isnt any barrier really for looking for work....

Thanks for the Link i will be sure to check it out.

[Salahudeen]

Employers find it strange when the wife is ringing up because they are thinking "what's wrong with him that he can't ring him self, isn't he a motivated person that he needs his wife to do it for him" it sends the wrong signals, that he's not interested and you're just doing it for him to get him into a job and he don't care.

[anonymous]

Employers find it strange when the wife is ringing up because they are thinking "what's wrong with him that he can't ring him self, isn't he a motivated person that he needs his wife to do it for him" it sends the wrong signals, that he's not interested and you're just doing it for him to get him into a job and he don't care.

:sl:

Exactly..... This whole attitude and laziness was really wearing me down imsad

However... it has paid off.

I filled out an application for KFC and McDonalds and he got a reply from both, passing both the initial assessments.
There was then a missed call and we didnt recognize the number but i knew it would be from one of those places so i called it back and they asked to speak to my husband and he got an interview.

Interview was today and im so pleased he got the full time permanent position in KFC. He starts next week.

Things are improving... but it is still hard work trying to do everything but at least now he will also be doing "work" and earning money with it.

I did some things that members advised and he did start praying and fasting again....

Marriage can be hard work sometimes and emotionally draining... but i do believe in the power of Dua and do feel Allah SWT has helped me in this situation, now it is up to us and make it work, and inshaAllah it will.

I hope with my husband working it will increase his confidence and lessen his depression and also increase his emaan.

Thank you to all who listened and gave advise.

JAZAKALLAH

[Riana17]

:sl:

Exactly..... This whole attitude and laziness was really wearing me down imsad

However... it has paid off.

I filled out an application for KFC and McDonalds and he got a reply from both, passing both the initial assessments.
There was then a missed call and we didnt recognize the number but i knew it would be from one of those places so i called it back and they asked to speak to my husband and he got an interview.

Interview was today and im so pleased he got the full time permanent position in KFC. He starts next week.

Things are improving... but it is still hard work trying to do everything but at least now he will also be doing "work" and earning money with it.

I did some things that members advised and he did start praying and fasting again....

Marriage can be hard work sometimes and emotionally draining... but i do believe in the power of Dua and do feel Allah SWT has helped me in this situation, now it is up to us and make it work, and inshaAllah it will.

I hope with my husband working it will increase his confidence and lessen his depression and also increase his emaan.

Thank you to all who listened and gave advise.

JAZAKALLAH

Salam Alaikkum Sister,
May the Peace and blessings of Allah be with you

You are so strong Masha Allah, I am sure that Allah is pleased with you, Subhanallah what a Muslimah?
Wow i dont think I can do or pass what you've been through, its really tough but you are not giving up, what a sabr? Inshallah your hard work will paid off and your husband will continue to grow, and you both be blessed with a peaceful marriage life. Amen