not sure about getting married

[anonymous]

asalaamu allaikum

i need some advice and i am a brother 6 months ago i got engaged and i told my cousin to tell my dad to find me a wife and he did and asked if i wanted to get married to my uncles daughter and i said yes i was so so happy in time and there was that energy in me that i can do anything but i never saw my uncles daughter before she is back home and i am in uk after some time i spoke to her on the phone and we got along very well and its been 6 months since we got engaged and there isnt that spark between us i mean from my side i dont feel the same way i did before she sound a different person some time and some time just like when we spoke first and after some time and she says she is very clever what does that mean and she said that when we get married and on the wedding night i dont do anything what does that mean i mean is she trying to do something ? like if a girl didnt had sex before the man will know right when u get married what if she is trying to i mean after the wedding night i she is not virgin then u can give her talaaq or something but if the first night is gone i i know that she isnt virgin what will happen i wont be able to do anything bcoz every 1 will say why i didnt say it the first night so then i will be in bad possition right please help me i dont know what to do and how can i be like the first time when i got engaged i dont know if she is a good person or bad how can i find out every 1 says she is a good person

[noorseeker]

Only she can tell you see is a virgin, no one else can

[Muhaba]

i think she's just shy and it doesn't mean that she's hiding anything. so stop worrying and stop doubting. if you want, you can discuss this with your father and let them know what she wants. so that afterward, if something isn't right, they will know your situation in advance and won't think that you lied or anything. you may even have your mother discuss this with your aunt and let them talk to her. but don't tell them that you think it means that she isn't a virgin. that's just a silly assumption.

[anonymous]

maybe she just means few days of wedding she wont be doing any house-work?
you know like 'I'm a bride' i'm just guessing but make sure you pray istikhara again so that there isnt any problem or doubts and leave everything in the hands of Allaah and have faith in Him, He will surelly find you a the right direction whether this person was ment to be with you or not. inshallah

Please try to avoid much contact with her, she not your mahram yet.
you should ask someone that knows her personally like her mum and you could ask your mum what you want to ask or close family member that know her very well. this will be better for you and her.

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[anonymous]

Only she can tell you see is a virgin, no one else can

when u have sex u can tell thats what i know its not like only she knows

i think she's just shy and it doesn't mean that she's hiding anything. so stop worrying and stop doubting. if you want, you can discuss this with your father and let them know what she wants. so that afterward, if something isn't right, they will know your situation in advance and won't think that you lied or anything. you may even have your mother discuss this with your aunt and let them talk to her. but don't tell them that you think it means that she isn't a virgin. that's just a silly assumption.

we have been talking allot and i know she is not shy she is very clever i am the one who is shy she is very very clever every 1 says that and i cant talk to my dad or mom actualy my mom died when i was a kid and my dad got married so u know i dont really like talking to my step mom but every 1 says she is a good peson none said anything bad about her but its the way she talks and one minute she is a deferent person the next very good and i cant tell how she is.

maybe she just means few days of wedding she wont be doing any house-work?
you know like 'I'm a bride' i'm just guessing but make sure you pray istikhara again so that there isnt any problem or doubts and leave everything in the hands of Allaah and have faith in Him, He will surelly find you a the right direction whether this person was ment to be with you or not. inshallah

Please try to avoid much contact with her, she not your mahram yet.
you should ask someone that knows her personally like her mum and you could ask your mum what you want to ask or close family member that know her very well. this will be better for you and her.

no its not that she ment about sex not house work as said above every 1 says she is a good person but its just that feeling i have in my heart saying something maybe wrong she says she love me blah blah blah i sent my pictures to her to be honest i aint that good looking but i have a good heart and i am vrey very shy person so if i dont do anything the first night then after if she wasnt virgin my life would be destroyed and i dont know what i will do some time i think i should leave this world and i sent her a gift she didnt even say if it was good or bad i asked her then she said it was ok thats all there is still time i can let her go but i am not sure if iam right or wrong

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

when u have sex u can tell thats what i know its not like only she knows



we have been talking allot and i know she is not shy she is very clever i am the one who is shy she is very very clever every 1 says that and i cant talk to my dad or mom actualy my mom died when i was a kid and my dad got married so u know i dont really like talking to my step mom but every 1 says she is a good peson none said anything bad about her but its the way she talks and one minute she is a deferent person the next very good and i cant tell how she is.



no its not that she ment about sex not house work as said above every 1 says she is a good person but its just that feeling i have in my heart saying something maybe wrong she says she love me blah blah blah i sent my pictures to her to be honest i aint that good looking but i have a good heart and i am vrey very shy person so if i dont do anything the first night then after if she wasnt virgin my life would be destroyed and i dont know what i will do some time i think i should leave this world and i sent her a gift she didnt even say if it was good or bad i asked her then she said it was ok thats all there is still time i can let her go but i am not sure if iam right or wrong

As'Salaamu Alaaykum

Firstly, please do not feel or think you should leave this world, bear in mind it is a fact we will all leave this dunya one day, everyone and everything.

Secondly, you shouldnt be exchanging conversations with one another 'alone', try not to speak to the sister alone, rather get her to get her mahram (father, brother) along when you speak to her,

Thirdly, is she good in her deen? enquire about her through her family, does she have a intention to practice her deen? Do you want your children to be raised on the deen? deen of Allaah?

Fourthly, When you feel you are interested in her, or she is right for you, try to arrange a meeting, in which you can meet each other, but not alone, but the sister with her mahram.

Fiftly, If you are still unsure whether to go ahead or not, perform ishtikarah 'salaah, it is the prayer of guidance, through this prayer you will be shown whether you continuing with this situation is good for you in this life and the hereafter or not..

By your last few sentences, about giving gifts, you are free to do so after marriage insha'Allaah or during the marriage ceremony, but try not to get attached as she is not married to you yet.

And to add, trust in Allaah, ask him for help whenever you need it, and ask here for advice also whenever you are able to.
If I missed anything out, insha'Allaah someone can correct me ..

[Perseveranze]

when u have sex u can tell thats what i know its not like only she knows

Asalaamu Alaikum brother,

This is probably one of the biggest and common misconceptions people have about women. You can never ever tell if she is a virgin or not, unless she told you herself. This idea that "you can tell when you have sex" is false and honestly to do with messed up culture.

Read this to understand better - http://www.islamicgarden.com/mythhymen.html

And stop worrying/getting suspicious. If you feel this girl is right for you, then don't hesitate or have dumb thoughts. If you geniunly think she's not right for you, then end the engagement as soon as you can.

[Grofica]

but a doctor can tell. without being too vulgar there are specific changes that happen with the tissue "down there" if intercourse has occured.

[Riana17]

Asalam alaikkum

Prophet Muhammad's lovely 1st wife is TOP Muslimah (pbu them) & was not virgin but older and with kids too.

However you have the full rights, if virginity is so important to you, you have the right to ask her, and ask her before marriage than it will cause chaos between you two

With regards to manners, you can have a little ideas through parents and other resources but the real deal can only be found upon living on the same roof.

I had one friend who were engaged with Canadian Muslim and later he rejected her, there is one Hadith not to say no for NO REASON TO a woman, something like that, because its not good to reject

Later on he realized it was wrong, he cant justify his acts for abandoning their engagement, now they are together in Canada.Alhamdollelah

PLEASE DONT FORGET THE NIYYAH before Marriage, you will love your wife and accept her for Allah's sake...

[noorseeker]

At the end of the day she will be your wife,

You shouldnt worry too much, a lot of us who are still single, would jump at the chance of marrying

[anonymous]

hi thanks all for your comments but something happen i recieved her pictures today and i think she is not the same person i saw in the first picture my parents showed me i got fresh pictures of her today and i am not attracted to her she is not beautifull and to be honest i dont mind if she is not beautiful but what is killing me is iam not attracted to her how can i marry her if i dont like her and not attracted to her please help i think my parents tricked me but dont know for sure Allah knows better i dont know what to do know if i tell my parents that i dont want to get married then surely there will be big problem between me and my parents and every 1 else dont really know what to do i see a way is by killing my self but i am scared after i die what will happen or whats out there but if i dont do that then i have to marry her if i dont i am gona loose every 1 family relatives i will be alone and i know this bcoz it will happen so i will be on my own please [please please advice me i am lost i cant look at her pictures

[Salahudeen]

You can't choose your marriage partner based upon a picture because people look completely different in pictures depending upon the environment. You can't really know if you're attracted to someone unless you meet them, can't you back out and say you will decide if you want to marry her after you've met her and done istikhara? Can't you just say you're not prepared to agree to marry someone you've never met in person and after you've met her you will decide?

[ardianto]

You can't choose your marriage partner based upon a picture because people look completely different in pictures depending upon the environment.

I agree with you.

But in this case I think this brother is not too -excuse me- dumb to be tricked. He knows, those pictures actually pictures of two different persons. The first was someone else, the newest is that girl real picture.

[anonymous]

You can't choose your marriage partner based upon a picture because people look completely different in pictures depending upon the environment. You can't really know if you're attracted to someone unless you meet them, can't you back out and say you will decide if you want to marry her after you've met her and done istikhara? Can't you just say you're not prepared to agree to marry someone you've never met in person and after you've met her you will decide?

yes i know that and no i havent done istikhara and no i cannot say i cant marry her but if i do then hell will come loose on me we are pathans so u know if i do then every 1 i know will hate me including my parents i will have no one i am scared i dont know what i am gona do and in the first picture she is deferent i cant match both pictures is there a sister her who i can send the pictures to match both if them and tell me if i am not crazyimsad i told my cousin i talk free with him he does not tell any 1 else he said u cant back up now u have to marry her and if u do every 1 will hate me and no one will speak or say hi to me anymore including him he said its not possible they can be deferent person in the pictures so if i marry her i dont think the life we will have would be a good one i am sure on this we wont be happy so what chice do i have please i need advice ASAP the more the time passes the harder it will be end ohhh forgot something first she did not send any picture she said i cant then after 6 or 7 months wich is today i recieved pictures of her and BTW we are engaged already just not married yet

I agree with you.

But in this case I think this brother is not too -excuse me- dumb to be tricked. He knows, those pictures actually pictures of two different persons. The first was someone else, the newest is that girl real picture.

my cousin is telling me i am crazy i dont know whats going on

[Salahudeen]

I don't know what to say, it's better you back out if your not gonna be happy with her as your wife because your relatives will be even more angry if you divorce her after you married her, so I think it's best you back out before hand because if you end up divorcing her later on it will be a lot worse. Is there no way at all that you can reason with them and explain your having doubts and you need to meet first to be sure you wanna marry imsad won't your parents understand that? How about you talk with her on webcam with her wali present that way you can see a more accurate image of her. Is that possible?

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

As'Salaam Alaaykum

yes i know that and no i havent done istikhara and no i cannot say i cant marry her but if i do then hell will come loose on me we are pathans so u know if i do then every 1 i know will hate me including my parents i will have no one i am scared i dont know what i am gona do and in the first picture she is deferent i cant match both pictures is there a sister her who i can send the pictures to match both if them and tell me if i am not crazyimsad i told my cousin i talk free with him he does not tell any 1 else he said u cant back up now u have to marry her and if u do every 1 will hate me and no one will speak or say hi to me anymore including him he said its not possible they can be deferent person in the pictures so if i marry her i dont think the life we will have would be a good one i am sure on this we wont be happy so what chice do i have please i need advice ASAP the more the time passes the harder it will be end ohhh forgot something first she did not send any picture she said i cant then after 6 or 7 months wich is today i recieved pictures of her and BTW we are engaged already just not married yet

Firstly, you said you've seen pics of her? have you met her? how can you get engaged without meeting?
Also you have to let your family realise that if your not interested in her then you have a right to say no. Bro, you need to say something before you get yourself into something you dislike. Realise if you dont do something now then you will most likely regret later on in life.

Please i advice you, please also make du'aa and put your full faith and trust in Allaah, do as much as you can to make parents understand.

I hope someone better with advice replies.

[Salahudeen]

Bro it's possible it was just a really bad pic, I look like a dead person who came back to life in pictures, so I think maybe you need to meet her before you make any final decision as she could just be a person who doesn't come out good in photo's but you won't know unless you meet her. But the problem is she's in another country and if you go over there and say no they might get offended and upset so I don't know, maybe it's best if you just pull out before things get really messy. I know someone who wanted to pull out of it and they made excuse that they done istikhara and got negative feeling after and bad dream and they're not gonna go ahead with the marriage. Maybe you can do that? :hmm:

[anonymous]

As'Salaam Alaaykum



Firstly, you said you've seen pics of her? have you met her? how can you get engaged without meeting?
Also you have to let your family realise that if your not interested in her then you have a right to say no. Bro, you need to say something before you get yourself into something you dislike. Realise if you dont do something now then you will most likely regret later on in life.

Please i advice you, please also make du'aa and put your full faith and trust in Allaah, do as much as you can to make parents understand.

I hope someone better with advice replies.

wsalam sister my cousin called me few hours ago to come to there home and show me the pictures as i said they are different and he said she looks different bcoz time has past and people look different when time goes by and he said your not the beautiful and ur asking for a beautiful wife i said its not the beauty its just when u feel the love when u see some 1 i dont know how to explain it but when u see some 1 u feel it she is the one or ur atracted to her something like that another thing i noticed is she looks old to me is well 30+ and iam going to be 29 soon and she says she is 19 wot she is my uncles daughter maybe they are trying to connect us well i am from afghanistan and a pathan we just do it this way for generations and if i dont get married no one will talk to me and hate me everything thing will be bad and i live with my parents they will kick me out just imagine what else would happen i know thats why i dont want to regret it later i know i wont be happy with her so if i say no hell will break my father is a very angry and abusive father

Bro it's possible it was just a really bad pic, I look like a dead person who came back to life in pictures, so I think maybe you need to meet her before you make any final decision as she could just be a person who doesn't come out good in photo's but you won't know unless you meet her. But the problem is she's in another country and if you go over there and say no they might get offended and upset so I don't know, maybe it's best if you just pull out before things get really messy. I know someone who wanted to pull out of it and they made excuse that they done istikhara and got negative feeling after and bad dream and they're not gonna go ahead with the marriage. Maybe you can do that? :hmm:

no i got about 7 ppictures of her she looks different on the first picture they showed me it was ok but the new pictures they are not to be honest she looks like a man and when i talk to her on the phone she talks like a mature women she knows allot of things and she says she is very clever and she says she is very very beautiful,said this to me before i got her new pictures and i am know thinking about leaving this world bcoz this is the only way or just make some money and run away some were no 1 can find me but i dont have money the only way is death but i am scared not to die but after what happens

[Salahudeen]

wsalam sister my cousin called me few hours ago to come to there home and show me the pictures as i said they are different and he said she looks different bcoz time has past and people look different when time goes by and he said your not the beautiful and ur asking for a beautiful wife i said its not the beauty its just when u feel the love when u see some 1 i dont know how to explain it but when u see some 1 u feel it she is the one or ur atracted to her something like that another thing i noticed is she looks old to me is well 30+ and iam going to be 29 soon and she says she is 19 wot she is my uncles daughter maybe they are trying to connect us well i am from afghanistan and a pathan we just do it this way for generations and if i dont get married no one will talk to me and hate me everything thing will be bad and i live with my parents they will kick me out just imagine what else would happen i know thats why i dont want to regret it later i know i wont be happy with her so if i say no hell will break my father is a very angry and abusive father



no i got about 7 ppictures of her she looks different on the first picture they showed me it was ok but the new pictures they are not to be honest she looks like a man and when i talk to her on the phone she talks like a mature women she knows allot of things and she says she is very clever and she says she is very very beautiful,said this to me before i got her new pictures and i am know thinking about leaving this world bcoz this is the only way or just make some money and run away some were no 1 can find me but i dont have money the only way is death but i am scared not to die but after what happens

If worst comes to worst and you get kicked out, then you enquire about local shelters/hostels that have beds available for the night, you go and stay there, and then you find a place to rent and put in an application for housing benefit at the job centre so the government pays your rent for you, also at the job centre put in a claim for Job seekers allowance. This is what you do if they kick you out, whatever you do don't think about death. This is last resort if they kick you out. You can find a list of local shelters/hostels in your area on-line probably.

But I don't know how to advise you, why not say you done istikhara and it came out negative?

[anonymous]

If worst comes to worst and you get kicked out, then you enquire about local shelters/hostels that have beds available for the night, you go and stay there, and then you find a place to rent and put in an application for housing benefit at the job centre so the government pays your rent for you, also at the job centre put in a claim for Job seekers allowance. This is what you do if they kick you out, whatever you do don't think about death. This is last resort if they kick you out. You can find a list of local shelters/hostels in your area on-line probably.

But I don't know how to advise you, why not say you done istikhara and it came out negative?

inshAllah i will do istikhara for real and then tell them i never done it before and i dont know how to do istikhara and how it works i heard about it but never done it and if i back out and tell them i done istikhara and it came out negative then everything will be over i wont have no one no friends i dont have any friends anyway but relatives every 1 else

[Hamza Asadullah]

Asalaamu Alaikum, firstly brother you one a huge error in accepting someone you have never seen. It is your Islamic right to see, meet and even speak to the girl in front of her mahrams. This is the best way of knowing whether or not there is any attraction or spark there. I think you should see if you can have this meeting before anything progresses. ONLY after meeting her should you have taken things further.

So you must try and meet her before anything progresses. Photographs are very decieving as the person will always look very different from one photo to another. So don't rely on photos to give you any accuratew indication of how she looks and whether you are attracted to her or not. The best way of finding out is once you have seen her in person and spoken to her to see if there is any spark there or not.

You have also done huge error in speaking to her for so long over the phone without being married to her as this is forbidden in Islam and you have let shaythan into your conversations. For this you must repent to Allah and ask of him to forgive you and to also guide you in this matter and to do what is best for you.

[ardianto]

no i got about 7 ppictures of her she looks different on the first picture they showed me it was ok but the new pictures they are not to be honest she looks like a man and when i talk to her on the phone she talks like a mature women she knows allot of things and she says she is very clever and she says she is very very beautiful,said this to me before i got her new pictures and i am know thinking about leaving this world bcoz this is the only way or just make some money and run away some were no 1 can find me but i dont have money the only way is death but i am scared not to die but after what happens

From my experience, the thing that clever and beautiful people really be avoided when they propose marriage or relationship is promote themselves as clever or beautiful people. I begin to sure if she is far from her claim about herself.

Bro, have you told about it to your local imam ?. The place where Muslims shall go when they get trouble are Ulama.

[Tyrion]

Uhh, I couldn't understand the majority of the OP, but from what I gathered the engagement happened before you met or saw each other... Correct? From what I understand, that's not a very smart way to get things going (from an Islamic and a non Islamic pov...). Also, it really sounds like you're not attracted to her (for whatever reason) and if that's the case, end the engagement now. By ending it, you can avoid problems that will almost certainly arise later. Don't ruin both of your lives...

[ardianto]

If this brother can end this engagement, he must be do it. but he can't, his family and community 'press' him to accept that woman.

[anonymous]

Asalaamu Alaikum, firstly brother you one a huge error in accepting someone you have never seen. It is your Islamic right to see, meet and even speak to the girl in front of her mahrams. This is the best way of knowing whether or not there is any attraction or spark there. I think you should see if you can have this meeting before anything progresses. ONLY after meeting her should you have taken things further.

So you must try and meet her before anything progresses. Photographs are very decieving as the person will always look very different from one photo to another. So don't rely on photos to give you any accuratew indication of how she looks and whether you are attracted to her or not. The best way of finding out is once you have seen her in person and spoken to her to see if there is any spark there or not.

You have also done huge error in speaking to her for so long over the phone without being married to her as this is forbidden in Islam and you have let shaythan into your conversations. For this you must repent to Allah and ask of him to forgive you and to also guide you in this matter and to do what is best for you.

i know brother but u cant just change a persons face can u ur who u are in pictures but not all pictures one or 3 would not show u good but all 7? and yes i know i made a mistake by talking to her but its done know i will repent to Allah to forgive me for this and its not possible to meet her if i do then it will be worse then i have to marry her this is how it happens in our culture and if i say i cant marry her then this is against our culture as said iin my other comments i will lose every 1 no 1 will talk to me and hate me

From my experience, the thing that clever and beautiful people really be avoided when they propose marriage or relationship is promote themselves as clever or beautiful people. I begin to sure if she is far from her claim about herself.

Bro, have you told about it to your local imam ?. The place where Muslims shall go when they get trouble are Ulama.

i was thinking the same thing and she said the first night if the wedding dont do anything just sleep so thats why i asked about the virginity in my first post how can u not do antyhing on the first night and the first night does not come every time? and the last time i spoke to her on the phone she said i dont want children until i come to uk i asked why she said it will make it harder for me to get a visa she is worried about that, should i ask a imam about this problem for help or not?

Uhh, I couldn't understand the majority of the OP, but from what I gathered the engagement happened before you met or saw each other... Correct? From what I understand, that's not a very smart way to get things going (from an Islamic and a non Islamic pov...). Also, it really sounds like you're not attracted to her (for whatever reason) and if that's the case, end the engagement now. By ending it, you can avoid problems that will almost certainly arise later. Don't ruin both of your lives...

yes i know but how read my comments i dont see any other way then just leaving this world

[Salahudeen]

If no body talks to you because you end it then that's better than marrying someone you don't want to marry and divorcing her later on innit? If people don't talk to you for doing the right thing then you're better off with out them, who said that guidance requires there to be someone accompanying you, you should do the right thing even if it means people will dislike you and not talk to you, this is so much easier to say than do I know, but if people stop talking to you so what, they're only people, you can make new friends who will talk to you. I know you don't want to earn your families displeasure but you have to put your interests first, many people get married for their families and stick it out for the first few years and have kids, then 10 years down the line they think "Forget this I want a divorce" and they walk out cos they didn't wanna marry the person in the first place, and it's much worse situation then.

[anonymous]

If no body talks to you because you end it then that's better than marrying someone you don't want to marry and divorcing her later on innit? If people don't talk to you for doing the right thing then you're better off with out them, who said that guidance requires there to be someone accompanying you, you should do the right thing even if it means people will dislike you and not talk to you, this is so much easier to say than do I know, but if people stop talking to you so what, they're only people, you can make new friends who will talk to you. I know you don't want to earn your families displeasure but you have to put your interests first, many people get married for their families and stick it out for the first few years and have kids, then 10 years down the line they think "Forget this I want a divorce" and they walk out cos they didn't wanna marry the person in the first place, and it's much worse situation then.

i dont know if i can but i will try first i have to do istikhara then i will decide what do u think? is this a good idea

[anonymous]

and will Allah forgive me for not getting married to her how do i know i am doing the right thing

[Grofica]

this is how it happens in our culture and if i say i cant marry her then this is against our culture

The thing is that is culture not religion. Listen to the people when they say there is nothing wrong with breaking it off before marriage

i was thinking the same thing and she said the first night if the wedding dont do anything just sleep so thats why i asked about the virginity in my first post how can u not do antyhing on the first night and the first night does not come every time? and the last time i spoke to her on the phone she said i dont want children until i come to uk i asked why she said it will make it harder for me to get a visa she is worried about that, should i ask a imam about this problem for help or not?

kids dont make it harder, :exhausted it sounds more like she is only doing this cause she is being pressured. not because she wantes to be with you.

i dont see any other way then just leaving this world

"leaving this world" is haram. thats a million times worst than almost anything you could do. being an adult means making hard decisions and standing up for what you believe in. If you cant do that than your not ready to get married anyway.

If people don't talk to you for doing the right thing then you're better off with out them

Well said!!!!!

and will Allah forgive me for not getting married to her how do i know i am doing the right thing

Divorce is the worst possible thing you are allowed to do and Allah forgives us for that. If you break off the wedding before you have done anything wrong then there is no harm...

If you continue to go down this road... and continue to exchange pictures and spend time talking about things ONLY married people should talk about... well thats another story... you guys are already doing things you should not be doing. and dont get me wrong I personnaly dont see anything wrong with talking over a computer but you should not be talking about stuff that you would not say without someone there.

if her brother or father were "sitting" there listening you would never talk about the things you guys are talking about. have a little respect...

in addition i stand my what i said earlier. if you can not distinguesh culture from relgion and you can make stand up for what you believe you dont need a wife yet. you are too young. and i can tell by how you talk you are too young. i think you need to spend some time working on yourself before you do something you will regret.

you cant ever love someone if you dont love yourself and if your willing to off yourself because of some cultural norm then you dont love yourself. and thus your also not ready for marriage. :exhausted

[anonymous]

@Grofica

i understand what you mean sister and i dont know if she is pressured i dont think so my cousins are calling me telling me u cant do this if u do u will have no 1 and no 1 will stand by u and u wont be able to come to our house or talk to us and every one else will be the same he said i am destroying my life by doing this and he said no one will allow u to marry her daughter bcoz of this and u wont be able to marry again and if u do with some 1 other then our culture he said u know whats going on one day she will be with u the next with some 1 else and i am not that beautiful and i dont think any girl will like me and marry me if i break the engagment father will kick me out of the house and i gave all my money to him and wont be able to get it back so left with nothing he said what ever she is blind disabled u have to accept her so i am facing very hard time and my cousin said in our culture a husband will accept death but not breaking up the wedding so this is the only way i see and my own brother is telling me i am gone crazy i told my cousin about the istikhara he said istkihara only works for a really good deen practicing person

[Grofica]

@Grofica

i understand what you mean sister and i dont know if she is pressured i dont think so

Let me put it this way... if her concern is to tell you what she is NOT going to do then she is not excited about this... if she is not excited she is not happy and she doesnt really want this... just an opinion by a woman. a woman might have a bunch of feelings before not like that...

my cousins are calling me telling me u cant do this if u do u will have no 1 and no 1 will stand by u and u wont be able to come to our house or talk to us and every one else will be the same he said i am destroying my life by doing this and he said no one will allow u to marry her daughter bcoz of this and u wont be able to marry again and if u do with some 1 other then our culture he said u know whats going on one day she will be with u the next with some 1 else and i am not that beautiful and i dont think any girl will like me and marry me if i break the engagment father will kick me out of the house and i gave all my money to him and wont be able to get it back so left with nothing he said what ever she is blind disabled u have to accept her so i am facing very hard time and my cousin said in our culture a husband will accept death but not breaking up the wedding so this is the only way i see and my own brother is telling me i am gone crazy i told my cousin about the istikhara he said istkihara only works for a really good deen practicing person

So someone is going to talk you into something that will make you and her unhappy for your entire life and that is so much better so your cousin is happy. who cares about you or the woman your supposed to marry...

only god knows how good or bad your deen really is. no one can judge you but god. and i still think you are too young.... you should be financially responsible at the time you want to get married not just cause it will be cool.

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

@Grofica

i understand what you mean sister and i dont know if she is pressured i dont think so my cousins are calling me telling me u cant do this if u do u will have no 1 and no 1 will stand by u and u wont be able to come to our house or talk to us and every one else will be the same he said i am destroying my life by doing this and he said no one will allow u to marry her daughter bcoz of this and u wont be able to marry again and if u do with some 1 other then our culture he said u know whats going on one day she will be with u the next with some 1 else and i am not that beautiful and i dont think any girl will like me and marry me if i break the engagment father will kick me out of the house and i gave all my money to him and wont be able to get it back so left with nothing he said what ever she is blind disabled u have to accept her so i am facing very hard time and my cousin said in our culture a husband will accept death but not breaking up the wedding so this is the only way i see and my own brother is telling me i am gone crazy i told my cousin about the istikhara he said istkihara only works for a really good deen practicing person

As'Salaam Alaaykum

Brother i believe you mentioned your 29, at that age you should be able to become responsible of your own marriage, you as an individual have the right and ability to say no if you dislike her.

You are not crazy, saying no is not crazy its called making a decision or a conclusion, what they are doing is something that is 'forcing' or either way your not happy, ask them do they not want to see you unhappy? if so, then atleast ask them to listen to you and what you have to say and want, as its your life and the girls, if one person is unhappy in the marriage, the whole marriage may end up disastrous.

Ishtikarah is guidance prayer, are they saying Allaah guides only the 'practising muslims', how can they judge you or your heart? firstly, how can you even tell a person is 'practising' or not, is there some label on them?. Are they saying you have no right to guidance from Allaah? It is best to do ishtikarah as long as you aware of what your doing i.e how to perform the salaah. You are a servant of Allaah, and Allaah loves those who ask him, they trust in his decision as he knows whats best.

My advice is to ask your parents this, sit in a room with them alone and discuss this, if not both, then try atleast one insha'Allaah, if that doesnt work try someone else close to you, listen to what they have to say, and also try to get in what you want to say. Explain to them patiently, tell them about the facts , a man and women must see each other face to face in real life to know whether they like each other or not, to ask questions all infront of a mahram i.e not alone. The fact that pictures can make one look different, picture life is not real life, nor is real life a picture life, yes this is the norms in some cultures, but its not so in islam, so think about how a engagement where you havent seen each in real life could be acceptable then? Speak to them and explain how this is the way you feel comfortable. Liking a picture is not simply what it takes to become husband and wife, understanding, things in common, deen, the fact that you actually like each other etc are important, explain to them ishtikarah is for everyone as far as I know that is muslim, its a prayer for guidance and everyone needs guidance in their time of life.

At the same time try be firm, and not aggressive or angry as that may cause negativeness.

I really hope that this situation is made easy for you, you are in my du'aa, also make lots of du'aa and dont forget to perform your salaah on time and supplicate to Allaah, be sincere.

May Allaah SWT ease this situation of yours and grant you happiness in this life and the hereafter Aameen.

[anonymous]

@@Grofica
when i speak to her on the phone one minute she sounds like she likes me allot and the next not example if i say no to something she gets kinda weird and she says i love you things like that so i dont understand her and yes spoke to my cousins again today and they said dont break the engamgent if u do then it will be very bad u wont have any 1 we wont talk to u or let u in our homes and every body else is well and he said to kill my self but not do this bought of my cousins said the same thing but my cousins sister said the same thing but at the end she said dont kill ur self if ur going to then its better to cancel the engament but she said my fiances life will be destroyed and there will be big problems between the two familys and people will call my dad bad names bcoz of me either i marry her or i kill my self these are the option i see and one more thing sister i wanted to tell u when i was talking to her on the phone while back she said her breats are very small and on the picture it looks like it what can i do i have migrain and since i got her pictures i get my migrain attacks it comes when i am upset

As'Salaam Alaaykum

Brother i believe you mentioned your 29, at that age you should be able to become responsible of your own marriage, you as an individual have the right and ability to say no if you dislike her.

You are not crazy, saying no is not crazy its called making a decision or a conclusion, what they are doing is something that is 'forcing' or either way your not happy, ask them do they not want to see you unhappy? if so, then atleast ask them to listen to you and what you have to say and want, as its your life and the girls, if one person is unhappy in the marriage, the whole marriage may end up disastrous.

Ishtikarah is guidance prayer, are they saying Allaah guides only the 'practising muslims', how can they judge you or your heart? firstly, how can you even tell a person is 'practising' or not, is there some label on them?. Are they saying you have no right to guidance from Allaah? It is best to do ishtikarah as long as you aware of what your doing i.e how to perform the salaah. You are a servant of Allaah, and Allaah loves those who ask him, they trust in his decision as he knows whats best.

My advice is to ask your parents this, sit in a room with them alone and discuss this, if not both, then try atleast one insha'Allaah, if that doesnt work try someone else close to you, listen to what they have to say, and also try to get in what you want to say. Explain to them patiently, tell them about the facts , a man and women must see each other face to face in real life to know whether they like each other or not, to ask questions all infront of a mahram i.e not alone. The fact that pictures can make one look different, picture life is not real life, nor is real life a picture life, yes this is the norms in some cultures, but its not so in islam, so think about how a engagement where you havent seen each in real life could be acceptable then? Speak to them and explain how this is the way you feel comfortable. Liking a picture is not simply what it takes to become husband and wife, understanding, things in common, deen, the fact that you actually like each other etc are important, explain to them ishtikarah is for everyone as far as I know that is muslim, its a prayer for guidance and everyone needs guidance in their time of life.

At the same time try be firm, and not aggressive or angry as that may cause negativeness.

I really hope that this situation is made easy for you, you are in my du'aa, also make lots of du'aa and dont forget to perform your salaah on time and supplicate to Allaah, be sincere.

May Allaah SWT ease this situation of yours and grant you happiness in this life and the hereafter Aameen.

i cant talk to them my reall mom past away when i was a kid my step mom is not reaaly good with me and if i say anyhting to my dad hell will break on me he is a very angry man

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

[QUOTE=anonymous;1461987|
i cant talk to them my reall mom past away when i was a kid my step mom is not reaaly good with me and if i say anyhting to my dad hell will break on me he is a very angry man[/QUOTE]

As'Salaam Alaaykum

Anyone else you can speak to? What about a local imaam? maybe explain him the situation and he can maybe talk to your family?

And Please dont think about killing yourself, this situation you are dealing with right now is nothing compared to the consequences of suicide.

Is there not anyone you can speak to, to convince your father? How about the girl ends this with you? How about you ask your father that you want to meet the girl before marriage but not alone.

I hope that someone can advice you insha'Allaah

please do not give up hope though, ask Allaah and trust in Allaah!