Money

[anonymous]

Salaam,

I just need to get some anger released.
I am engaged to a man who sometimes doesn't treat me right and extremely badly.
He has a problem with money in the sense that he pays so much interest he cannot save.

Long story cut short, I lent some money at the start if the month and now he owed some money to his sister and if he never gave It to she wouldn't been able to buy a house. We got into an argument after I transferred the money and he broke up with me as usual as I kept asking how much debt he is in and this is a sensitive topic to him clearly! Anyways he still had he nerve to give his sister my money after breaking up with me And telling me to get out of his life!!!! And it is a great amount of money. I offered to kind him the money but I feel betrayed that he has the nerve to tell me to get out of his life and still use my money.... And he's a practicing muslim brother !!!

[Salahudeen]

Sounds like a kid :hmm: Since you're engaged your family must know about him right? Can't you tell them to speak with his family and sort it out for you so you get your money back?

[ardianto]

I agree with bro Salahudeen.

You should tell your family to speak with his family.

[anonymous]

I did offer him the money but to be told to f of and leave him alone and get out of his life as I wanted to know how much debt he's in isn't an excuse, he says I talk about money all the time, well I need to know so I can help him budget and manage his fiannces.

If I tell my dad, he would call his father n never allow me to marry this guy. I'm so hurt because it is a lot of money and to be told to f off after doing someone a favour is so disheartening

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[tigerkhan]

And he's a practicing muslim brother !!!

never think that all practicing ppl are perfect and angel. we need to be more realsitic. and about the issue, i say sometime difference is attitude toward a problem make clashes btw ppl. u seem to be more concerned about his issues but maybe he dont like ur much involvement and curiousity. so he is getting fed up and saying u to get out of his life. so alongwith ur good intention u also need hikmat to deal the matter. anyway my prayers are with u, allah swt ease all the matter 4 u.

[ardianto]

I did offer him the money but to be told to f of and leave him alone and get out of his life as I wanted to know how much debt he's in isn't an excuse, he says I talk about money all the time, well I need to know so I can help him budget and manage his fiannces.

If I tell my dad, he would call his father n never allow me to marry this guy. I'm so hurt because it is a lot of money and to be told to f off after doing someone a favour is so disheartening

Do you still want to marry that guy ?. If I am your dad, I would forbid you to marry him. He is not a good person as a husband.

'kill' your feeling to him, forget your intention to marry him. Tell your dad everything what that guy has done to you, and let your dad speak with his family.

Sis, I know what is broken heart. Yes, that was really hurt me. But not again. I have married another woman and now I am happy with my wife. Like people say, medicine for love hurt is the new love. And like people in my place say, the world is not as small as a leaf, there are many other guys in the world, not only that guy.

May Allah give you a better guy as your husband in the future.

[Salahudeen]

Ardianto is right, if he is like this before marriage then how will he treat you after marriage, he may get angry one day and say I divorce you, if he's all ready telling you to get out of his life, ultimately the decision is yours but based upon what he's done and how he's treated you thus far do you really want such a person as your husband.

You should tell your father cos he has your best interests at heart, and if he does something like break it off, it's cos he knows it's good for your future.

[anonymous]

I text him today saying do want mymoney back n how I found it disgusting he can tell me to get out of his life and still use ny money. He said I'll get it back as soon as possible but he definatley knows he doesn't want me and subanallah has been shown a sign from Allah he doesnt wantme. I think he must be fed up as we argue quite a bit.

What doesn't make sense is that istikhara came out positive and everytime we have huge problem I always pray to Allah to help us and only help us of we r good for each other and Allah always brings him back to me.

What I don't get is why Allah has shown him something and doesn't want me anymorw

[Salahudeen]

I text him today saying do want mymoney back n how I found it disgusting he can tell me to get out of his life and still use ny money. He said I'll get it back as soon as possible but he definatley knows he doesn't want me and subanallah has been shown a sign from Allah he doesnt wantme. I think he must be fed up as we argue quite a bit.

What doesn't make sense is that istikhara came out positive and everytime we have huge problem I always pray to Allah to help us and only help us of we r good for each other and Allah always brings him back to me.

What I don't get is why Allah has shown him something and doesn't want me anymorw

How do you know it came out positive? You had a dream and found someone to interpret it for you?

[anonymous]

HIs mother did it and he has had a previous engagement Broken previosly so she did it to seek guidenxe and it came out positive. She obv wants the best for her son as his first engagement went downhill

Even so when I pray to Allah he always comes back in my life

[Salahudeen]

HIs mother did it and he has had a previous engagement Broken previosly so she did it to seek guidenxe and it came out positive. She obv wants the best for her son as his first engagement went downhill

Even so when I pray to Allah he always comes back in my life

I didn't know istikhara could be done on another persons half, learn something new every day, anyway I think you should do it yourself if you're still set on marrying him as you can never be sure of peoples motives. Also how does his mother know it came out positive?

[anonymous]

The father never knew the mother was doing it. After even night of performing it nothing came out of it. After the seven nights the father said to the family so when are we going down for hand in marriage .... That was the positive sign.

[Salahudeen]

The father never knew the mother was doing it. After even night of performing it nothing came out of it. After the seven nights the father said to the family so when are we going down for hand in marriage .... That was the positive sign.

The boys mother did istikhara for 7 nights then the boys father decided to come down and ask for your hand in marriage? is this correct? if so I fail to understand how that's a positive sign, the father just made a choice, what if they're just saying that to convince you to go ahead with the marriage because they know their son isn't a great catch.

I remember hearing a lecture that, if after istkhara hardships are placed between you and the thing you're trying to achieve then it's a negative sign. I think this lecture will help you greatly, it's all about istikhara. Listen to it, it will clear confusion maybe.

http://www.kalamullah.com/Abdul%20Ba...ompass_web.mp3

[anonymous]

How do you know it isn't a positive sign to me it is and istikhara was done two years ago!
But also, when things are so bad between us I pray to Allah so much when I feel that it can't be worked out and he always comes back to me after prayer always

[Snowflake]

assalamu alaykum,

I''m not judging you ukhti. But I get the impression that you are talking to this man in private which has lead you to give him a large amount of money as I think your parents wouldn't have allowed you to do this if they'd known about it?

A man and woman aren't allowed to talk in private (via telephone, internet etc) even if they are engaged ukhti. Yesterday, I learnt that they cannot even be alone to study al Quran even from behind a screen. If being alone in the company of a non mahram, is forbidden for such a noble cause then think how it is permissible to be talking to someone you have feelings for? It's a clear road to fitnah and did bring you harm.

As for istikhara. If we look at the translation of the istikhara dua, we can see it begins with, "O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with Your Power (and Might) I seek strength and I ask from You Your Great Blessings, because You have the Power and I do not have the power..."

To me this means the person seeking guidance should themselves make istikhara. I don't know if doing istikhara is allowed on behalf of others, but surely it's better if we ourselves ask Allah to fulfill our needs. Ask yourself what advice would you give to a friend if she was in the same situation as you? Then apply it to yourself. It's easy to overlook serious faults in someone when you like them. But that is exactly what harms us afterwards.

So please sis, look at the cold hard facts and put away the lovey dovey emotions for this man. Such emotions only mislead you into a false sense of security when non exists. Only focus on his character and how he has treated you and ask yourself if these are the things you want from your husband. Do you, really?? My own opinion is that you could do better. I'd hate to see my sister make a mistake she'll regret just for the sake of a few emotions.


The hardest thing would be to tell your parents what's happened, but it would also be the right thing. They will only do what is in your best interest. Please let them handle this, and stop talking to this man immediately. May Allah protect you from harm. Ameen

[Alpha Dude]

I second the above post.

From what you have described, the brother has issues with the way he uses money (either his own or other peoples) which if left unresolved, would give you a hefty dose of emotional trauma a few years down the line. Keep in mind, a lot of marital discord occurs over financial matters.

His mother's istikharah result is not binding on you. It is always better to perform it for yourself too. In fact, it's foolish not to in this case - marriage is a major thing that can alter your course of life for better or for worse. Seek the guidance of Allah.

[anonymous]

I feel hurt and betrayed. I know I offered the money but to be told to f off and get out of his life and still use it is shameful.

[Alpha Dude]

It is a shameful act.

What will you do about it though? Ranting about him alone isn't going to solve anything. Take Dying Rose's advice and tell your parents and get them to break off the engagement officially.

[anonymous]

Sorry for the rant, I've had to let it out somewhere otherwise I would of gone mental and it would of ate me alive!

I jus have a broken heart at the moment, I know he will return the money, but even if it was the smallest amount it's the principal not to do what he did.

I'm going to pray to Allah for guidance, as Allah ALWAYS answers my prayers and guides me subanallah

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salaam,

I just need to get some anger released.
I am engaged to a man who sometimes doesn't treat me right and extremely badly.
He has a problem with money in the sense that he pays so much interest he cannot save.

Long story cut short, I lent some money at the start if the month and now he owed some money to his sister and if he never gave It to she wouldn't been able to buy a house. We got into an argument after I transferred the money and he broke up with me as usual as I kept asking how much debt he is in and this is a sensitive topic to him clearly! Anyways he still had he nerve to give his sister my money after breaking up with me And telling me to get out of his life!!!! And it is a great amount of money. I offered to kind him the money but I feel betrayed that he has the nerve to tell me to get out of his life and still use my money.... And he's a practicing muslim brother !!!

Asalaamu Alaikum sister and jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. Firstly sister a couple being engaged does not give them a right to freely interact with one another. By doing so they are committing major sin and losing peace and blessings. Shaythan is third party to such interactions. So much of this stems from the fact that you freely interact before marriage.

So sister you must take action immediately and ONLY interact with him through your mahram. That means from now on let your mahram be CC'd to your e mail conversations or listen in to your phone conversations or be present when you meet up. By doing this you are safeguarding yourself from haraam as well as keeping within the boundaries of acceptable interactions between an unmarried couple.

Regarding your situation with lending him money then he may have reacted in that way because of the fact that you are attacking him about his financial situation. If a person is atacked then their guard goes up and they will obviously react to the attack. He obviously felt like you were having a go at him about his financial situation when he is already feeling so stressed about it.

Him reacting to you telling you to "get out of his life" and then you mention "as usual" is a clear indication that you are in a relationship with him and have been for sometime. When a couple have been with each other without being married for so long then may say things like that to each other but doesnt mean they actually mean it afterwards but they said it out of anger at the time. I think if you wanted to lend him the money then you should have done so without attacking him about his personal finances especially since he will get defensive about it. You said it yourself he will pay you back so you should not have attacked him like that. If you want to advise him then you should do so in a calm manner getting him to open up to you abd being supportive. But obviously not before marriage as it is already clear you are ruining your chances of marriage by your interactions.

I think you really need to think deeply about whether or not you really want to marry him. You know him by now and understand him to a certain extent at least and you have to establish whether or not the both of you are compatible and whether or not you can accept each others bad habits and attitude and behaviour etc. You should not marry him because you "love him", but you should marry him if it is best for the both of you. You know what he is like and you know how you are so you have to decide what is best for the both of you but you must ONLY interact with him through your mahram lest you ruin things to the extent that they go no further.

I recommend that you both take time out and think about things properly and deeply for a while and then make sincere isthikhara and dua for Allah to do what is best. After that if you are both happy then get nikah done immediately. If you both or one of you are not happy then you should not take it any further and accept that Allah has someone better in store for you because it maybe that you marry each other and things go wrong and you end up divorcing for that would scar you for life and make things so much more difficult for you.

So take time out to think about things and make dua and isthikhara. Dont look at the fact that you have feelings for him but whether the both of you will live happily and are compatible and best for each other because if you have such serious issues before marriage let me tell you things get a WHOLE lot harder after marriage.

May Allah do what is the best for the both of you. Ameen