Need help regarding wife...

[anonymous]

So yesterday I was talking to my wife. She told me she was talking with her friends and one of her friends talked about *ahem* her first night after marriage in details. This *censored by moderator* very much but I didn't say anything. However, during the course of our conversation she later informed me that she had also told her friends that we kissed on the phone. Now for some reason this reallllly *censored by moderator* like wheres the haya... so anyway I confronted her about this and she said its normal between girls to talk about this stuff?

So what I want to know is is it permissible for wives to talk about their intimate life to other people (its not even out of necessity but rather idle talk)? And why would anyone even do such a thing... its like you'd have to throw away your shame... so was I right in rebuking her or did I do something wrong?

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

It is not permissible for her to disclose any information about intimacy between herself and you. She must repent from these abhorrent actions. It is very shameful to reveal such things to one's friend(s); there is a reason why these things are done in privacy – so that others may not know of them!

The Prophet (:saws1:) said: "Indeed, among the people who will have the most grevious position before Allah on the day of ressurection is a man who, after he intimately approaches his wife and she intimately approaches him, he exposes her secrets." (Muslim, Abu Dawood and others)

This includes both men and women.

It is also narrated:

Abu Hurarriah (r) reported that while the Prophet (:saws1:) was once giving a khutba in the masjid, he turned toward the men and asked:

"Is there among you a man who, when he approaches his wife, closing his door, lowering his veils, and covering himself with Allah's cover, would after that sit (in a company) and say, "I have done such, I have done such?" The men remained silent. He then turned towards the women and asked them, "Is there among you a woman who speaks (about her intimate secrets)?" And they remained as well. A young girl then, kneeling on one of her legs and standing on he foot of the other leg, raised herself so that the Prophet (:saws1:) would pay attention to her, and said, "O Allah's Messenger! Indeed, the men speak of that and the women do as well!" He (:saws1:) then said:

"Do you know what that is like? It is like a she-devil who encounters a devil on the road, and he fulfils his lusts with her while the people watch him! Verily, a man's perfume is that whose smell is apparent but whose colour is not visible. And a woman's perfume is that whose colour visible but it's smell is not. Verily, a man may not be under one cover with another man, nor a woman with another woman – except if it is a child or parent." (Abu Dawood and Ahmed, authenticated by Al-Albaani)

[Snowflake]

:sl:

In addition to the above, it is not even permitted for a woman to uncover herself in front of a non muslim female lest she describes her to a man as if he is seeing her. And if she fears the same thing from a muslimah then she can choose to remain covered in front of her also. Then we can easily imagine how serious the prohibitions of describing a private act between husband and wife are.


You must show your wife this evidence and warn her against engaging in such distasteful conversations in the future.

[Abz2000]

imagine reading one of those stories on the back of a magazine while waiting in the reception at the dentists?
wouldn't you throw it down or rip out the page and chuck it in the bin?
or at the top shelf at smiths

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[جوري]

Don't be angry with her when you tell her that it's unacceptable religiously, morally and on a personal level.. but let her know how hurt you're & that you feel violated & that's frankly what it's a gross violation!.. Leveled conversation works better than confrontation but No it isn't normal for women to share such things with one another.. It's frankly appalling and breaches the sacredness and sanctity Of marriage

:w:

[tigerkhan]

:sl:
its is not allowed in islam bcz wife and husband are cover/clothes for each other. i remember there was a hadith which strictly prohibit such act. i think its more common in our asian culture so dont be much angry with ur wife, she did it bcz most probably she dont know it. so let her know in kind manner that islam dont like it and if we human also do same, what will be the diffrence btw human and animal ??? bcz animals do such openly.

[ardianto]

so anyway I confronted her about this and she said its normal between girls to talk about this stuff?

Yes, it's normal between women to talk about this stuff. However, it doesn't means everything that normal is permissible.

You cannot forbid your wife talks about you, and her relationship with you, because this is women's nature. But you can tell her, softly and not in anger, if she want to talk about you and your family matter to her friends, talk only the matters that people may know such as your favorite foods or your activities in public, and let the bedroom matters as top secret.

[جوري]

Yes, it's normal between women to talk about this stuff.

because this is women's nature.

I don't believe that to be true at all.. I kind of resent the sentiment too.. The type of women who find this normal are as prevalent as the type of men who share their conquests with their pals.

:w:

[ardianto]

I don't believe that to be true at all.. I kind of resent the sentiment too.. The type of women who find this normal are as prevalent as the type of men who share their conquests with their pals.

Many (but not all) women sometime talk about their bedroom matter with their female friends, their female relatives, their mothers, or their female Islamic teachers, in private conversation. Maybe you don't know yet about it.

[جوري]

Many (but not all) women sometime talk about their bedroom matter with their female friends, their female relatives, their mothers, or their female Islamic teachers, in private conversation. Maybe you don't know yet about it.

I doubt very much that 'Many' women engage in such intimate details of their lives as it would be expositive of their own-selves.
People do talk about the marriage problems (& that goes both ways) maybe fertility/pregnancy issues but not their sexual proclivities as you're made to believe..
I know that you don't keep company of women gatherings so you couldn't possibly know of the matter more than me!

:w:

[ardianto]

I doubt very much that 'Many' women engage in such intimate details of their lives as it would be expositive of their own-selves.
People do talk about the marriage problems (& that goes both ways) maybe fertility/pregnancy issues but not their sexual proclivities as you're made to believe..
I know that you don't keep company of women gatherings so you couldn't possibly know of the matter more than me!

:sl:
They talk about intimacy, but not in detail and not in women gathering. Like I've said, they talk about it in private conversation between two females. Usually they did it to seek an advice.

[Hamza Asadullah]

So yesterday I was talking to my wife. She told me she was talking with her friends and one of her friends talked about *ahem* her first night after marriage in details. This *censored by moderator* very much but I didn't say anything. However, during the course of our conversation she later informed me that she had also told her friends that we kissed on the phone. Now for some reason this reallllly *censored by moderator* like wheres the haya... so anyway I confronted her about this and she said its normal between girls to talk about this stuff?

So what I want to know is is it permissible for wives to talk about their intimate life to other people (its not even out of necessity but rather idle talk)? And why would anyone even do such a thing... its like you'd have to throw away your shame... so was I right in rebuking her or did I do something wrong?

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. My brother you need to sit down with your wife when you are both comfortable and not rushing around or busy and just tell her that you want to talk to her about things. Just open up to her about how you feel about her sharing marital information with others and for her to even talk about other peoples marital affairs. Make her realise how much this is upseting you and the fact that it is an abhorant act in Islam for the wife or husband to discuss their intimate affairs to others.

Share with her that you are each others and that whatever intimate, loving, caring and sweet things you do with each other then it should ONLY stay with the both of you and not be shared with anyone else. Tell her that her sharing such details with others makes you feel like an invasion of your personal privacy because whatever you do together is special and should only be between the both of you and not shared out for others to know about.

All the while be completely calm and tell her all of this in a gentle manner and it will be so much more effective than saying it in a argumentative or harsh manner. If you say it in an attacking manner then she will just get on a defensive and become rebellious and will not want to liste. But if you say it nice and calmly and open up to her sharing your inner deep feelings about the matter then she will realise how much it upsets you and how wrong it is for her to talk about such matters. Hopefully she will also realise that the friends she keeps are not good if they openly and freely discuss such matters.

As a husband you do have a right to tell your wife not to keep certain friends if you feel they are not Islamically good. But you must be very careful in your approach and it is best to tell her in such a way that she understands herself that she should not keep such friends.

And Allah knows best in all matters

[جوري]

I had unsubscribed from the thread because firstly all that needed to be said was said and secondly because I resented the accusations against our sisters, mothers, aunts, daughters etc.
I can't make you divorce a stereotype of women you're married to.. but I don't know nor have I known anyone to share such details and practically all my friends are married my own sis etc.
I think I may have seen my sister's husband about 11 times in her 7 year marriage and heard of him or from him even less and much less than that still of my friend or their spouses..

Women have better things to do than speak of you.. maybe you guys are plain paranoid? Take one singular incident and have an 'aha' 'all women' are such and such then move it to most then only Asian etc..
It's wrong.. I hope you see how equally wrong this is..

I am going to unsubscribe again so I am not going to know what you'll say.. so just don't say it....

:w:

[Dagless]

I think everyone has agreed that it was a pretty bad thing to do. You should explain why it's bad or how she'd feel if you discussed that stuff with your friends. If she doesn't think it's a big deal then she may keep doing it but just not tell you.

[Insaanah]

:sl:

As a woman, who has spent a not inconsiderable lifetime mixing with other women, from many backgrounds, cultures, and religions, I can tell you it is NOT usual to talk about such stuff, regardless of what the brothers may say, and we should not stereotype women, or women of particular cultures in that way. It may be the case that the brothers have heard a few women they know talking about such matters, but you cannot generalise that and apply it to most women, or most women of a particular culture, because it simply isn't true.

To the OP, a combination of the advice of sister ßlµêßêll's first post, brother Hamza's post, along with showing the ahadith provided by brother 'Abd-al Latif, may help inshaa'Allah.

May Allah rectify things for you, and grant you both happiness and mutual peace, love, respect and understanding, ameen.

:sl:

[Hamza Asadullah]

Let us not stereo type because there is good and bad everywhere. Men are equally as guilty talking about such matters as women are.

Let us just be the best Muslims and examples we can be towards others and if we ever come across such abhorrant acts then let us condem it in the best manner possible using wisdom and tact.