My materialistic parents

[anonymous]

:sl:

My parents have spent a lot of money on me and my brother's education and they keep reminding us of it every now and then. They have indeed provided us with privileged education which does not come at a cheap price and even had extravagant weddings for both of us. So whenever there is a disagreement in the house between our parents and me or my brother, they bring this money factor in each and every time. My father even clearly mentions many times that I didn't pay those fees out of love, it is an investment and I want every penny back.

I am unemployed and involved right now in setting up my own business on the internet. In short, they keep reminding us all the time that we are their dependents. And it really hurts. And they say that even in front of our wives. My brother is working but he doesn't that much either. It makes me wanna earn all that money really quick and throw it on my parents' face and leave the house. My wife is pregnant now and it causing high stress for her as well. And like any typical mother-in-law, my mom hates her daughters-in-law. Always backbiting about them to even strangers.

I know parents hold a very high status in Islam but what about situations like these where parents provoke their kids to very high levels. It really gets very ugly at times leading to very big fights in the house. My father seems to just enjoy insulting me and my brother as he leaves no chance of it. We do retaliate alike but I later regret it so much but it really is very frustrating. I wouldn't say my parents don't love me but they get very rude when things don't go their way. I know I should be caring my parents all my life. But most of the time, I just wanna give back their "debt" and leave the house. What do you suggest?

:w:

[aadil77]

This is one of the problems with getting married before having a steady income.

Don't mind your parents, yes they will expect something in return because they feel they've put a lot of time, money and effort into you. I personally believe if you give something it should be given out of your own good will and not because you expect something in return.

Only thing you can do now is hold your head down, keep quiet and take it all until you've started earning enough to move out.

[tigerkhan]

:sl:
brother i feel ur pain. i was also too sensitive in that matter from very begining. so i always try to benefit from their money as much less as possible and i struggle on my own.
anyway islam is solution to all problem, that i had firm believe. but the pbm is we dont follow d true islam. so islamically what ur father had spent on u was ur right. bcz children has right on their parents and parents will be rewrded for what they had spent of their children. so dont think that its like u had borrowed that money and u r obliged to pay same amount back and then u r free.
islamically, ur parents had rights over u and u have over them. so we need to fullfil that BUT just for the sake of Allah swt. islam is basically just Haqooq ul allah and haqooq ul ebad and we need to act uopn it. so what i say; u need to know more what they had right over u, try to fullfil them, be kind, obidient, patient to them, ignore their shortcommings, discrimination or misbehaving. Spent of them as much u can bcz now they are old and they had right over u.
i hope u got. actually we r doing much things in traditionalism and culturism but we need to follow islam so that we should be in peace and success in both worlds.

[tigerkhan]

:sl:

This is one of the problems with getting married before having a steady income.

to arrange marrige for their children is d right of children over their parents. so i dont see this is pbm bcz of marriage b4 having steady income but it lack of islamic knowledge, emaan and ekhlas that create pbm in out day to day dealing and attitide to treat ppl.

Only thing you can do now is hold your head down, keep quiet and take it all until you've started earning enough to move out.

islam dont like that u move out when ur old parents need u. they didnot leave u when u are much more annoying in childhood.

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[anonymous]

children has right on their parents and parents will be rewrded for what they had spent of their children. so dont think that its like u had borrowed that money and u r obliged to pay same amount back and then u r free.

My father keeps reminding me every now and then I spent such-and-such amount on you. They keep nagging and complaining about me and my brother and our wives. They keep asserting that we raised you, spent so much on you and they think that they are expressing love but honestly all their negativity towards is only inciting hatred. Now, I don't even think they love me. They love hurting me, insulting me, backbiting about my wife who despite being pregnant tries her best to keep up with the house chores. I can't share any problems with them. They are turning into villains all by themselves and I hate it because I'm jeopardizing my aakheerah because of all this. :'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(

[Maryan0]

:sl:

My parents have spent a lot of money on me and my brother's education and they keep reminding us of it every now and then. They have indeed provided us with privileged education which does not come at a cheap price and even had extravagant weddings for both of us. So whenever there is a disagreement in the house between our parents and me or my brother, they bring this money factor in each and every time. My father even clearly mentions many times that I didn't pay those fees out of love, it is an investment and I want every penny back.

I am unemployed and involved right now in setting up my own business on the internet. In short, they keep reminding us all the time that we are their dependents. And it really hurts. And they say that even in front of our wives. My brother is working but he doesn't that much either. It makes me wanna earn all that money really quick and throw it on my parents' face and leave the house. My wife is pregnant now and it causing high stress for her as well. And like any typical mother-in-law, my mom hates her daughters-in-law. Always backbiting about them to even strangers.

I know parents hold a very high status in Islam but what about situations like these where parents provoke their kids to very high levels. It really gets very ugly at times leading to very big fights in the house. My father seems to just enjoy insulting me and my brother as he leaves no chance of it. We do retaliate alike but I later regret it so much but it really is very frustrating. I wouldn't say my parents don't love me but they
get very rude when things don't go their way. I know I should be caring my parents all my life. But most of the time, I just wanna give back their "debt" and leave the house. What do you suggest? [/B]

:w:

No amount of money can give back the debt you owe your parents. Period. As to investments one of the main reasons people have children is because they are investments in your old age. That's not a bad thing. I think you should move out. I don't see how you can expect respect if youre still living on your parents dime in the house they bought with their money. If i'm wrong in my assumptions then I apologize.
Salam

[tigerkhan]

My father keeps reminding me every now and then I spent such-and-such amount on you. They keep nagging and complaining about me and my brother and our wives. They keep asserting that we raised you, spent so much on you and they think that they are expressing love but honestly all their negativity towards is only inciting hatred. Now, I don't even think they love me. They love hurting me, insulting me, backbiting about my wife who despite being pregnant tries her best to keep up with the house chores. I can't share any problems with them. They are turning into villains all by themselves and I hate it because I'm jeopardizing my aakheerah because of all this.

:sl:
i say patience is d key. as allah swt said seek His help with salat/pray and patience. and remember allah swt is with those who are patient.
but iff its out of ur control, then islam has much flexibity so its is allowed to have seperate accomodation. but in that case u need to be financially independent. and i suggest keep this as a last last option. i also said u may seek guidance from some shiek.

[Snowflake]

:sl:

My father even clearly mentions many times that I didn't pay those fees out of love, it is an investment and I want every penny back.

I'm sure your father loves you both and what he meant was that he didn't spend all that money merely out of affection but to raise two capable sons who will look after them in their old age like they looked after you and your brother when you were little. Even millionaire fathers expect their sons to work. Your father does has the right to take from your earnings because:

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “You and your wealth belong to your father” (reported by the five and classed as saheeh by al-Tirmidhi) and “The best of what you consume is what you earn, and your children are part of your earnings” (reported by al-Tirmidhi, al-Nisaa'i and Ibn Maajah from ‘Aa’ishah). There are conditions however. Please see here



Be kind to your parents and offer them the reassurance that you have no intention of leaving them to fend for themselves (even if you move out). And explain that once you start your business, things will improve insha Allah. Use your wife's pregnancy as a reminder of your own arrival in the world and how your parents cared for you.



The Qur'an says, Thy Lord hath decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to parents. If one or both of them attain old age with thee, do not say a word of annoyance (Literally, "Do not say Uff! (an expression of annoyance) to them." (Trans.)) to them nor repulse them, but speak to them in gracious words and in mercy lower to them the wing of humility and say, My Lord, bestow Thy mercy on them, as they cherished me when I was little....(17:23-24)

***

And We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents. His mother carries him in pain and she gives birth to him in pain, and (the period) of carrying him and weaning him is thirty months....(46:15)

***

Once a man came to the Prophet (peace be on him) and asked, 'Who is most deserving of my good companionship?' 'Your mother,' replied the Prophet (peace be on him). 'Who next?' the man asked. 'Your mother,' replied the Prophet (peace be on him). 'Who next?' he asked. 'Your mother,' replied the Prophet (peace be on him). 'Who next?' asked the man. 'Your father,' replied the Prophet.(Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim.)

***



The Prophet (peace be on him) declared disobedience to parents to be a major sin, second only to ascribing partners to Allah, as has been stated in the Qur'an. Al-Bukhari and Muslim report his saying, 'Shall I not inform you about the three major sins?' Those who were present replied, 'Yes, O Messenger of Allah.' He said 'Associating partners with Allah and disobedience to parents,' and sitting up from the reclining position, he continued, 'and telling lies and false testimony; beware of it.'

***


He also said, "Three persons shall not enter the Garden: the one who is disobedient to his parents, the pimp, and the woman who imitates men.'' (Reported by al-Nisai, al-Bazzar on the authority of excellent transmitters, and al-Hakim) and, "Allah defers (the punishment of) all sins to the Day of Resurrection excepting disobedience to parents, for which Allah punishes the sinner in this life before his death."(Reported by al-Hakim, on the authority of sound transmitters.)


***



:wa:

[transition?]

As salamu alaikum,

Perhaps you should take a more indirect way and spend more time with your father and start speaking to him more. If you show patience and show kindness through ways outside of giving back money. Strengthen your relationship. And tell him you love him. And that are you grateful. TALK to him about your situation. Or build your relationship so you can get to a point where you can talk with him. I think your parents just want you to be grateful. Don't be afraid to share your gratitude. Cry, if you have to. Parents do understand if you share. Don't directly attack him with how much the negativity hurts you. But on a more calm day, approach your father and mother and get a conversation going about your life, their life and health, how grateful you are, how you're working hard, and how much you really love your parents.

Take advantage of much calmer settings and times. Stress and money issues get to everyone, especially parents. they are just worried. But even if you can't assuage their worries about money. Explain how you'll always be there for them =)