11-26-2011, 05:04 AM
Lately, I've been wanting death. I want it, and I pray for it that my life is taken from me really soon so that I may not have to suffer any more, so that I can escape this misery and self neglect that I face everyday. I am not suicidal, I just want to die and meet my lord. On the surface I appear normal, and no one can tell that anything is wrong or out of the ordinary, except for my mother. She asks me daily, "Is everything okay?" I tell her what every introverted man would say, "No, everything is fine".. Yet, it is far from it..Reply
Every night when I'm in my room behind closed doors, when its dark, I shed tears, silently. I don't know why but everything that has gone wrong, or isn't going right it overwhelms me, and I pray to God to make it better. I wake up in the middle of the night to offer extra prayers and ask god with sincerity that he heal me of my sickness, that he pave the way for me to see better days. Afters all the supplications are said and done, I know he can sense that what I truly want is death. My time is already appointed for me, I know. So my obsession with seeking death immediately is an act exercised in futility.
But then there are days, rather moments like today which make my life seem worth living. Seeing the joy on my brothers face or hearing my fathers laughter makes me feel at peace. It makes me feel that amidst all the hardships and struggle that my family faces, that we can still churn out a few smiles or laughs once in a while, and that's what keeps me going..
The future is scaring me however... My brother will be departing soon out of the country and once again my house will settle down and the screams of joy and laughter will slowly begin to fade. Happiness only lasts for a few moments and I am truly scared of what's to come. I am not a child any more yet I fear being alone. When I am alone in my room, I wait for my little sister to come home from school, and quite honestly when she arrives home a lot of my fear disappears for when she is in my presence I feel a sense of comfort/joy. But she's not around all the time either, so most of my time is spent in solitude. It didn't use to be like this, I had friends, I have friends. But I choose to stay confined within these 4 walls, and within my own mind. Maybe its poor choice on my part, but I've seen how the outside world can change you, in fact, I was greatly influenced by it.
Now I decided I want change, I want to be a better person and leave this life of sin. So I decided to come towards religion. "verily, in the Remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest" is what I tell my self every night while I cry my self to sleep. I have to say, I would not go back to my old habits for any reason, even though my experience from deviating from a life of sin to a more respected form of living has not been too pleasant..
I ask my self why this is at times. When I was indulged in a life of sin, fornicating, smoking weed and partying, pursuing my lust and desires, I found my self, Happy. They say it is a mere illusion that life is providing.. but is it or was it? I was genuinely happy before. My mother could sense it to, the smile on my face from reading a text message from a lover, my mother would ask, why are you so happy. And I'd giggle and say its nothing ammi. Lately, my mother asks the opposite question, why do you seem so sad, what's wrong? Yet I am trying to live a life of piety and refraining from engaging in immoral acts.
Perhaps this is only temporary? Maybe it will change one day Inshallah and I can find true happiness? For the moment though, I want death, to me, logically it is literally the solution to all my problems.. I wish for death, I dream of it. But I won't lie, I am scared of death to for I know not what it will bring. I am not convinced I am a true muslim in the Eyes of Allah SWT, although I am trying. I wish to die in a mosque so I spend as much time in their as I can. When I am older if I live to witness such a day, I want to spend my days at the masjid. TBH, at the masjid I find peace and tranquillity. Usually After Dhur salat, I read the quran for a bit and then lie down near the book shelf and close my eyes for a bit. People come in and out and offer their salat but after a point when it is really late for zhur and to early for asr, people stop coming and I am completely alone in there. That is when I feel at peace but at the same time I feel lonely and scared, but I try to remember God as much as I can so I invoke his many names and attributes. Al wadud- all loving, the most compassionate the most merciful, and I try to close my eyes and imagine that he is close to me that he can hear my cries for help. I have no doubt that he can hear me and I wait patiently for him to answer my prayers.
Death will come soon enough for all of us.. life is the exception.. you can walk away from everything and not be bound to your family or life or country or even religion.. you had a different life before than the one you've now, you can have an even different one still..Reply
your purpose here on this world isn't fame or fortune or recognition or a Jessica rabbit wife, your purpose is to worship your creator.. you're going to think this is all so silly when paupers and kings alike stand before God.. think of what you want to bring with you on that day.. idle hands are a tool of the devil, fill your time with something useful .. happiness is an elusive thing born of our own imagination from the purpose we seek for ourselves and the milestones we'd like to have crossed out at a particular point in time..
11-26-2011, 08:52 PM
no matter how "soon" it will come, in this life, 5 years, or 10 years 40 years still seems like a pretty long time. Although, I must admit, it does feel like time is moving faster as I get older. The problem then is how to bear the remain years in such an ill state.Reply
11-27-2011, 07:52 AM
If you will be alive you can ask Allah for forgiveness and do righteous deeds. Bro read these. I hope you will feel better :). Also read the one in my signature :D
Whatever you have will end, but what Allah has is lasting. And We will surely give those who were patient their reward according to the best of what they used to do.
(Surah Taha 20:96)
"Truly in the heart there is a void that can not be removed except with the company of Allah. And in it there is a sadness that can not be removed except with the happiness of knowing Allah and being true to Him. And in it there is an emptiness that can not be filled except with love for Him and by turning to Him and always remembering Him. And if a person were given all of the world and what is in it, it would not fill this emptiness."
— Ibn al-Qayyim
Allah is the Protector of those who have faith: from the depths of darkness He will lead them forth into light. Of those who reject faith the patrons are the evil ones: from light they will lead them forth into the depths of darkness. They will be companions of the fire, to dwell therein (For ever).
(Surah Baqarah 2:257)
"It doesn't mean that one shouldn't enjoy life, but that when one understands that the 'complete happiness' they are looking for in this dunya doesn't exist here, then it becomes easier to go through trials and to work for your akhirah."
--- Sh. Muhammad Alshareef
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