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anonymous
12-21-2011, 12:05 PM
I am happily married, I have no complain about husband's attitude except two
I just need an advise, I hope you wont judge him because no one is perfect

My questions are as follows:

I am 2nd wife, he is long time separated with his wife & they have a kid. They didnt see each other for long time because mother take the kid away. I didnt knew that she is back in our area (although he mentioned she's here) but missed to tell me kid is with her and they met. I asked this so I found out they met. I dont have doubt whether they will get back coz he absolutely disgust her (manner)

I dont have issue over that but I'll just link it to 1st question, he is okay after work we spend time daily etc but after 8pm he will go out sometimes 2-3hours without telling me where he goes, and he hate when I ask because he said he dont need a controlling wife. I just need to know, but he dont understand.

2nd thing is that when we are in heated arguments, he could hurt me. Squeeze my arms or use his hand one way or another, I guess I dont have patience and I am teasing him more, I am not used to go down or cool down when he is mad, whereas he has huge patience


I dont know, i just feel bad, i guess the mistakes are more on my side,, i dont know perhaps i want you to give me little advise and listen, perhapss...
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SFatima
12-21-2011, 03:17 PM
It is your right to know and his responsibility to tell you where he goes and why. probably his secrecy is causing you to suspect him. You must not stop him from meeting his first wife, or the kid, he has rights towards them too. Say it to him that he can meet them without fearing you, and then maybe he wont hide it from you and would respect you more InshAllah.
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GuestFellow
12-21-2011, 05:38 PM
Salaam,

Just ask him casually where your going. Try to be as casual as possible and not as though you are about to interrogate him. :/

Does he actually hurt you? O____O
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tigerkhan
12-22-2011, 02:56 PM
:sl:
i know women need trust. but in ur case, if he is not telling u, dont suspect him. maybe he use this time in some good activity and he dont want to disclose it.
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Rhubarb Tart
12-22-2011, 03:57 PM
:sl:
Tell him to stop hurting you when you have heated arguments. The fact that he squeezes your arm and uses his hands illustrates that he does not have patience! Couples are bound to have some disagreements and I don’t dispute this. But he should not use his hands and get angry like that. Next time, it may be punch in the face, and are you willing to say oh it IS you that has no patience?
You have legitimate concerns because he may have an accident. He should at least tell you where he is going and when he is coming back. And if he coming later than usual then he should at least call you.
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anonymous
01-13-2012, 07:31 PM
Hi all
actually if ever he squeeze my arm its allmy fault becaus i will scream to him and put him like a piece of sh***t
I am a woman after all

but I am strong personality and when I am mad i need to throw everything and 90% of time he let me express my anger


thanks all for your attention
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GuestFellow
01-13-2012, 10:47 PM
Getting angry is not good.
Reply

Huzzy_786
01-13-2012, 11:04 PM
Assalamualaykum,

I think both of you should watch this video, You will be able to sort this matter out via the sunnah inshallah.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxPrCqNvu70&amp;feature=related" target="_blank">
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syilla
01-14-2012, 09:23 AM
:sl:

Appreciate for every little things that he has done to you sis. Give him time to communicate for the action (where he is going) that he is doing. Remember anger would not solve anything and actually anger is the root of all problems. In islam, when one in anger they should avoid any action that cause by anger like scolding, hitting, shouting and etc to the other person. let yourself cool down first then try to communicate again. warn your hubby that you might do something foolish when you are angry.
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Hamza Asadullah
01-16-2012, 01:57 AM
Originally Posted by anonymous
I am happily married, I have no complain about husband's attitude except two
I just need an advise, I hope you wont judge him because no one is perfect

My questions are as follows:

I am 2nd wife, he is long time separated with his wife & they have a kid. They didnt see each other for long time because mother take the kid away. I didnt knew that she is back in our area (although he mentioned she's here) but missed to tell me kid is with her and they met. I asked this so I found out they met. I dont have doubt whether they will get back coz he absolutely disgust her (manner)

I dont have issue over that but I'll just link it to 1st question, he is okay after work we spend time daily etc but after 8pm he will go out sometimes 2-3hours without telling me where he goes, and he hate when I ask because he said he dont need a controlling wife. I just need to know, but he dont understand.

2nd thing is that when we are in heated arguments, he could hurt me. Squeeze my arms or use his hand one way or another, I guess I dont have patience and I am teasing him more, I am not used to go down or cool down when he is mad, whereas he has huge patience


I dont know, i just feel bad, i guess the mistakes are more on my side,, i dont know perhaps i want you to give me little advise and listen, perhapss...
Asalaamu Alaikum, My sister try not to suffocate him too much. Just sit down with him when you are both comfortable and relaxed and try to get him to open up about what he is doing in a nice and gentle manner. By shouting or getting into a tantrum will only make the situation worse and he will not want to tell you anything. He will only feel comfortable once you are calm and not having a go at him all the time.

Patience is extremely important in a marriage and many marriages have been ruined and broken because of a lack of patience. If one person is all fired up then one should not throw oil into the fire and make things worse. Instead one should try to calm down, or walk away and calm onself and breathe deeply. One should try to see sense and not speak when angry as that may make the situation worse and cause more friction and tension.

So you need to try and be calm and not shout or get into tantrums. Try to communicate with him and share each others feelings. Tell him how you feel in a gentle manner. Cry if you want to so he sees how hurt you are. Do not pressure him or suffocate him and he may even tell you once he is comfortable. He will not want to tell you whe you are fired up or if he knows you will just get fired up.

Ask of Allah to help you and your husband overcome your issues and ask of Allah to help you with your anger. If you get angry then according to Islam you should first lay down. If you are still angry then go and make wudu Make a dua (supplication to Allah), saying, A'udhu billahi minashaythanirajeem "Oh, Allah. I seek refuge from the accursed Shaitan (Satan)." It is also a good idea to ask for Allah's forgiveness for your anger, anything you did to contribute to the confrontation, and anything you did or said in anger. Now, pray two rakahs.

Many people find peace and comfort in reading the Quran. So read some Qur'an or do some dhikr. Maybe go for a walk in a natural place like a park. Try to deal with every situation in a calm and peaceful way. If nothing works then thee is nothing wrong with getting some help with anger management froma professional. If it will help you and your marriage then is it not worth it?

May Allah help you and your marriage become successful. Ameen
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