Marriage

[anonymous]

I'll try and keep this short and sweet..

I've always wanted to marry but fell in the trap of pre martial relationships only because my family haven't ever looked for me but I've kept them as halaal as possible and when I wanted family involvement the men use to run a mile.
I've always met the wrong men, cheats, liars, drug dealers etc!

In 2009 I had my heart broken and That Ramadan I prayer so much, changed, and asked for the guy to come back if not replaced with better! I met a good guy on a matrimonial site and he told his family fr
Day one. We met a few times and his mother did istikhara and it apparently was good! He wants the greatest of people use to always blame me and I felt like rubbish. I delayed family involvement my side as we kept striking really badly.

Two years down the line families have met! Now it's all gone well except the living arrangements. They feel I am demanding as I want my own place. Now this guy is swearing at me as usually and has changed his number sayig he does t want me!

All I've ever wanted was to marry and be happy... Feels like such a challenge. I always make dua if we will w happy please come back and he always has after arguments.

Just feel low.

[Cabdullahi]

Dont worry, just make dua and try to communicate with your husband and tell him that you have a right to your own place

[Rhubarb Tart]

Why did you marry this guy when he swears at you?
AND why didn’t you sort out the living arrangement before you married him? They? You mean his family right? Who are they to decide something that is between you and your husband?

[anonymous]

I'm not married yet, our families have just met! But they hate the fact I want to live seperatley, they feel me living with the aunty is sufficient. Now I did agree to this before but then realised uncles and cousins go there so I just feel it may not be enough space. But this has gone down bad and his father has said I need to compromise....

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[Reflections]

I say this on a general note, not directed at the op, in marriage you will have to make compromises, its give and take..so remember that, and even if you please your husband by 'just giving in', remember to do it for Allah's sake for that will be more fulfilling and satisfactory.

At the OP: I think both families should sit down and discuss all the issues, especially your husband to be who for some reason doesn't want to keep in contact. May Allah help you through your troubles and make it easy for you to make you fulfill half your deen. Allahoma ameen.

[ardianto]

Asalamualaikum,

The important criteria of ideal husband is not who rich, or handsome, or comes from specific ethnic, but a man who stand on his own feet. It's means an independent person who can takes his own decision and not under control by anyone.

As the leader of the family, husband has a duty to lead the family and make the best decision for his family. Only independent person who can bear this duty.

The problem in your case is, he is not an independent man, but a boy who is under control of his family. You were in relationship with him for two years, but now after you are disagreeing with his family about where you will living after get married, suddenly he becomes a 'different' person who cut his contact with you. It's indicated he is in confusion because he cannot make a decision.

Where to live after get married is a problem that should be solved by man who want to get married. Living with the aunty probably is the good choice for new married couple who have not been able to buy or rent house. But only until the husband able to buy or rent the house. However, this decision should be taken by the husband or the man who will get married himself, after he discuss about it with the wife or the woman who he intend to marry. This decision should not be taken by someone else, even his parents. Other people role is only give input that can be followed, can be not.

My question, what he has done to solve this problem. Did he discuss with you? Did he try to make win-win solution? or he let his family push you to follow what they want?.

If he did not try to make a decision and he only follow what his family want although you disagree, ..... I am sorry, sister. I must tell my honest opinion, he is not an ideal man for your husband because he is not the independent person.

Now, is depend on you. Will you still marry him although he has try to cut contact with you? or you will wait for another man.

But remember. Choose only an independent person as your husband.

[Salahudeen]

If you do end up living separately you should also discuss with him how often he expects you to go to your in laws house, because this can cause problem also. Check this thread

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...life-hell.html

[ardianto]

If you do end up living separately you should also discuss with him how often he expects you to go to your in laws house, because this can cause problem also. Check this thread

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...life-hell.html (My husband is making my life hell)

Similar 'root of problem', men who are not independent. It made these sisters difficult to discuss with them because they cannot make a decision.

[Riana17]

Asalam Sis,

Yes I agree with Brother, a man should stand at his own feet and makes decision of his own.

[Rhubarb Tart]

Sorry, I thought you were married. I don’t think asking to live separately from his family is demanding!

It is your right to have an accommodation of your own. I don’t understand people like him or his family? Compromise starts after marriage, stick to your gun if having an accommodation of your own is what you want.


OR you can say I live with your family a year or so after that you have to find me accommodation.


http://www.islamicboard.com/general/...arriage-3.html

[anonymous]

Exactly it's my right and I really want to live independently.
If he is "religious" he will give me my right. His father said I do expect her to do some work around their house ESP if guests are round she can't just sit on the sofa...

[anonymous]

I asked the brother let's marry in a years time so we can be table and it led to a huge argument has he wanted to marry in 6 months! Yet his sister said marry in a year and he agreed.

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

To the anon user: do you live in the UK?

[anonymous]

Yes In the uk.

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

Im going to be very frank with what I'm going to say.

First, since you have a habit of choosing the wrong men for marriage (perhaps not intentionally), you must recognise that you are still following in this pattern; this man you are engaged to isn't exactly the choicest fruit of the basket. He swears at you, argues with you and seems to have a temperament problem – how is he so different from the other men who were "bad choices"? Speaking to your parents after two years doesn't exactly make someone marriage material. You must recognise that you have this pattern and change it. Look for those qualities in a husband that you will cherish forever. Remember that you will be living with this man for the rest of your life but already you two are having disagreements and arguments. You have to ask yourself: does he knows the rights over him as a husband? Does he fear Allah enough to fulfil them to the best of his ability? Are the qualities he possess now really what makes him an ideal husband?

Second, correct me if I am wrong here but I have an inkling that you haven't recovered fully from your past relationship. You see his character before your eyes yet you still want a permanent relationship with him: he disagrees with you stubbornly, he listens to his sister over you on important matters (how soon to get married) and seems like a difficult person to get along with. I'd recommend you not use someone as a "band aid" because of the hurt the last person has left on you. Being fully recovered means you are ready to love and be loved in return, you are comfortable being alone and the past doesn't affect you or dictate your thoughts anymore. Whoever you marry should be the right person and the experience of loving him and being loved in return will be much richer if you get into a relationship being whole.

And finally – without having to seem as though I am taking sides – don't be so demanding when it comes to accommodation and helping the in-laws. Yes it's your right to ask for it but if you've seen the rent prices nowadays then you'll know that it costs an arm and a leg to live out! Marriage isn't about demanding your own rights, you have to think as a couple now and do that which will bring harmony in your marriage. And ask yourself this: do you know your rights as a wife? Are you ready to fulfil all what a wife has to fulfil Islamically for her husband? If you are and culturally you are expected live with the in-laws and do the same things you would normally be doing as a wife in your own home anyway, what's the big deal? It's going to be your family soon. Go easy and understand one anothers' difficulties.

[anonymous]

I don't feel it's being demanding, ive even said I'll pay one years rent upfront as I have savings.

['Abd-al Latif]

I don't feel it's being demanding, ive even said I'll pay one years rent upfront as I have savings.

Ah, that's different then. It's good that you are willing to contribute but still bear in mind the overall expense of living out is a lot. Especially in London (I don't know if you are in the same city) rent prices are sky high: about £250 a week for a single bedroom flat!

[anonymous]

Hes up north so looking at around £100 a week so I can cough up a year upfront. I even said I'll buy us a car and that he uses his income to support me. I don't eat much and even said we can do a nikkha and feed the poor so so weddings cost will be incurred.

[anonymous]

But obviously I'm not good enough for their culturally inclined family....
I'm stuck and just making dua for the best. I feel so unhappy at the moment.

['Abd-al Latif]

But obviously I'm not good enough for their culturally inclined family....
I'm stuck and just making dua for the best. I feel so unhappy at the moment.

Don't let it get you down. From a man's point of view, a husband would deeply appreciate the financial help that you are offering and if this doesn't work then he looses out. But speaking according to what you've mentioned of your circumstances, it's best you marry someone who financially stands on his feet, it'll offer you a lot of stability in your life. Can imagine the financial difficulty you two would be facing if some years down the line you still live on income support? It is a must upon the man to feed his wife, shelter her and provide for her Islamically and he isn't doing this now but wants to get married in six months! Not to the mention the best of husbands are those who are best to their wives (in terms of character, treatment etc).

I can sympathise with him wanting to get married sooner but he seriously needs to consider his financial options. Income support is hardly sufficient for a family, especially when a new bundle of joy is born and becomes the cherished centre of your life. It's easy to make self-sacrifices, but not when it comes to your children.

[anonymous]

I feel at my lowest.
Thing is he told me his aunty will be short term for a few months so I said why don't we just delay the wedding up until then so we can move out. He was visualising us livin in these apartments and even told me to look at them on the Internet.

However I don't think he told his parents this, so when my parents mentione it they said she needs to make a compromise and said the aunties house. After the visit hea just sworn at me, called me foul names, and even said he's changing his number, for 3 hours I called and text and asked why and in the end he told me I'm demanding cos of what mine and his parents discussed in private and said he will not meet my demand and he wishes I drop dead.

[Rhubarb Tart]

If a person has low income job and he rents out, he or she can get financial support from the government anyways.

Most people on housing benefits are low income workers. Plus, she can work part time to help out. It does not have to cost an arm and leg in London.

And for other essential, you have now shops that sell necessities in low prices like pound store, pound land, Iceland, etc etc.

[anonymous]

He's making me emotionally drained and unwell.

['Abd-al Latif]

I feel at my lowest.
Thing is he told me his aunty will be short term for a few months so I said why don't we just delay the wedding up until then so we can move out. He was visualising us livin in these apartments and even told me to look at them on the Internet.

However I don't think he told his parents this, so when my parents mentione it they said she needs to make a compromise and said the aunties house. After the visit hea just sworn at me, called me foul names, and even said he's changing his number, for 3 hours I called and text and asked why and in the end he told me I'm demanding cos of what mine and his parents discussed in private and said he will not meet my demand and he wishes I drop dead.

He's making me emotionally drained and unwell.

Sister why are you chasing after him when he's shown his true colours?

Thanks to Allah that He has shown you his true self before marriage!

['Abd-al Latif]

If a person has low income job and he rents out, he or she can get financial support from the government anyways.

Most people on housing benefits are low income workers. Plus, she can work part time to help out. It does not have to cost an arm and leg in London.

And for other essential, you have now shops that sell necessities in low prices like pound store, pound land, Iceland, etc etc.

I'm saying from what I've seen, it's not so easy. I know people who are in the mentioned situations and life is hard for them.

[anonymous]

Co I can't do this anymore. I'm so upset and crying whilst writing this reply.
I'll never find a good man to marry I have true to hard to complete half my deen properly. He's a good man islamically and I want to become a good Muslim. I just want to settle down with a good man who will look after me.

[Ali_008]

:sl:

Firstly, offer Istikhara salaah (if you haven't already).

Secondly, let the guy go. He seems like a mixed character. You say he's religious but uses foul language as well. So he's not the ideal man and trust me there are literally thousands of righteous men who are single today because they can't find a dedicated Muslimah. So don't give up hope. Allah gives solution to every problem. And He will inshAllah send a true Muslim for you.

I'd highly recommend you to get yourself out of this relationship. You are not married to this guy and so whatever relationship you have with him now will be considered haraam and the time you're wasting on him will be totally written off against you in your records. As a matter of fact, it seems like he's toying with you. Blatant abuse of authority. As you are desperately trying to save this marriage, he's pushing you to limits just for his own pleasure. I've first hand experience with such matters where multiple friends of mine have fallen victims to such demeaning and challenging relationships. The best decision and I mean the ABSOLUTE BEST decision right now for you will be breaking up with him. There's an old saying, "if you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were".

Have faith in Allah and take this step. InshAllah this old saying will help you make the decision of your life. It will be extremely difficult for you as you seem to be insanely in love with this guy and dying to get married to him but trust me, the pain will be worth the result. Better suffer now and evaluate whether he even wants you or not than marrying him and having the regret of a lifetime. Fortune favors the brave. Stay strong and righteous and Allah won't let you suffer inshAllah.

[syilla]

salams ukhti, to be happy is not by giving up hope. You should remember how did our prophet exapmble nabi yunus was trapped in a whale for a few years but he did never gave up. and how our nabi zakaria make lots of dua to have child and he did when he is already 100 years old.

If you are not married here in this world its ok because inshaAllah your dua is being kept for the hereafter where you will be married to 100x better than the one here in this world.

Let him go, open up your options and remember your intentions. If our intention is solely for the sake of Allah swt inshaAllah everything will be better and sort out. inshaAllah

[anonymous]

I thought marriage is easy, I was wrong


it is very challenging and sometimes almost making me crazy
nomatter how good the spouse, there is alwys challege :(

regards
anonymousxxxx

[syilla]

salams ukhti marriage is never been easy. life is never easy that is why paradise/ jannah created in the first place. To justify for all the hardwork.

even those in marriage is not easy. sometimes you see others as if they are happy but sometimes you can be deceived by it. just believe in yourself, believe in Allah, believe in miracle and have faith. Everything happen is for a reason.

and remember marriage won't solve all your problem.

[Hamza Asadullah]

I thought marriage is easy, I was wrong


it is very challenging and sometimes almost making me crazy
nomatter how good the spouse, there is alwys challege :(

regards
anonymousxxxx

Asalaamu Alaikum, finding the right partner and one who is compatiable as well as having the same criterea is never easy. That is why once we have found our life partners then we will appareciate them so much more. Life is never always so straight forward.

That is the problem with pre-marital relationships because they drag on for so long and there is never usually a happy ending. This is because shaythan is present in such relationships from the beginning. Such a relationship is also the cause of zina and other major sins. Such sins anger Allah and cause his wrath. That is why it is best to go about marriage in the right manner in order to get peace and blessings from Allah in our pursuit of marriage.

You have learnt from your mistakes now and from now on you know never to get into any relationship before marriage but to go about marriage in the way that will please Allah and not in the way they will anger or displease him which will only end up causing pain, misery and grief for all involved. Just see this as a learning experience. See it as he was not meant for you that is why things turned out the way they did. Maybe it was for the best because if you did end up with him then things could have been very bad and you could have ended up divorcing him. Hence why you saw his true colours when he swore at you and kept calling you such nasty words. Do you think he would not have done worse after marriage?

Please read the following article which may help you to get over your pre-marital relationship:

How to get through the pain of a pre-marital relationship

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...ationship.html


So go about marriage in the right manner through your mahram. If you find someone you like or your family or friends find someone for you then go about it through your mahram as going about it alone will only end up putting oneself in a dangerous situation. If a guy tells you he wants to get to know you and meet you etc before marriage then disregard such a person as they are clearly wanting to have relations before marriage. Rather find someone who wants to go about marriage in the right manner through your mahram.

Also It is best to tell the potential ones main criterea from the beginning. In your case you should tell them what you are looking for like your own house etc. Making the potential aware of your main criterea from the beginning will avoid any problems later on and save a lot of time and grief.

Ask of Allah to help you find the right partner who will help you with your deen and in your journey to the hereafter.

May Allah find you the best partner for you. Ameen