format_quote Originally Posted by
ardianto
Asslamualaikum.
Sis, that's happened to you, or to your mother?. If that's happened to your mother, have you married or still unmarried?.
Wa alaykum assalaam.
That happened and is happening to my mother, though it's similar with all of us, though me and my sister (their only children) are starting to speak up where necessary.
We are unmarried, I'm nearly 40, and my sister is nearly 45.
My dad cannot discuss marriage without losing his temper, so it's better if we don't discuss it at home. He is old now, we cannot replace him as wali, as that would split our family and cause more explosions of anger, we just have to be patient and make dua I guess.
Sometimes, if somebody tells him of an unsuitable match, he, even though in his heart he knows it's not right, will come home and explode at us in anger so that we might come under his pressure and say yes, and the only reason is because outside the home he is weak, he cannot say "no" to people, so it is easier for him to have us say yes even though he knows the match not right, simply so that he does not have to say "no" to someone outside.
But he always accuses my mother for us not being married. Sometimes me and my sister would go shopping together, and come home and find my mum crying, and it's because when my dad saw that we were not at home, he would check that all the rooms were empty, and there was no one that might stand up for her, he would explode at her in anger, and accuse her that "You never wanted to get our daughters married off, you are an obstacle, you have been deceiving me for the past 25 years, people outside say you never wanted to get them married off and that you are deceiving me, and they are right, etc etc".
After that time, for the past four years, me and my sister do not leave the house together, unless my dad has also gone out, and even then, we hurry so that we are back before he comes home, so that he does not see my mum alone and take the opportunity. So, after that time, when he loses his temper, it's in front of us. Now he is also accusing me and my sister of never wanting to get married, even though this is not true. He accuses my mum of brainwashing us into monacticism/celibacy, even though I so desperately want to be married. And I say to him, very politely, that if you do not calm down and discuss things rationally, how can we ever progress the matter. But he will not admit that his anger is the problem. He seems to harbour hate for us in his heart, and has even stopped talking to us twice in the past few years, for no reason at all, for three months the first time and one month the second time, staying in the same house but not talking to us, and cooking his own food and not touching anything we had cooked, and each time it is us who have practically forced him and physically pushed him into talking to us.
Even though he is religious as far as aqeedah and worship is concerned, he wants to falsely blame my mother for us not being married, rather than accepting that Allah did not will that to happen, or rather in seeing if there is any fault with him.
It's hard to change a lifetime's habit.